Day 13 – 90 days with Yeshua 7:25 am
Yeshua – Wayne, let’s talk more about men, and specifically their inability to be real.
Wayne – Sounds real.
Y – Men are so afraid. They are actually initiated by their fathers, by the culture, and by their past lives in the fear of being real rather than the courage to be transparent with their feelings. So much so, that not even they know what they are actually feeling in a given moment most of the time.
W – Can you give me your take on what ‘being real’ is?
Y – ‘Being real’ is essentially not using a cover emotion to hide a deeper truer emotion underneath.
W – Because…
Y – Because the more real emotion that the man doesn’t want to feel is what actually gets the man in touch with what he is really feeling, one layer at a time. But he has learned that emotional exploration is not welcome at all because the group consensus has agreed that they will use the social connection in order to validate each others’ hiding their real feelings.
W – And then we all subscribe to the cult of hiding in plain sight, the biggest full blown cult, complete with all the bells and whistles. This common denominator of hiding whatever you are really feeling, of resisting your actual truth so tenaciously even when circumstance throws it in your face, is so pervasive. I’ve seen mostly nothing but this in work settings, family settings, church settings, and spiritual group settings.
Y – Have you ever been in its absence?
W – Yes, in a few moments, poignant moments, and also in a group setting I was a part of that was consciously about truth telling. The group had a really brilliant leader that could see and describe this dynamic, but ultimately couldn’t stand the heat in the kitchen, and where it may take him personally in intimacy with other men.
Y – Do you think you are ready for it…..this kind of realness with men?
W – My quick answer to that is a big ‘Yes.’ But, I so get that time and the process of intimacy itself will show up any weak links. I feel so done with the present social cultures and structures though, I have felt this way since I was a teenager and it has remained with me.
Y – There are some popular men’s groups that say they are all about this out there right now, one in the Christian camp called Promise Keepers and one called Mankind Project. What do you make of them?
W – I’m sure they are a good place to start for a lot of men, but I personally totally gag on them.
Y – Strong reaction…
W – No doubt. It feels like a veneer of realness and honesty and being accountable to one another is such a breath of fresh air, and no doubt it is, given our current pervasive social hiding, that men are drawn to these groups. As part of their journey, it’s a valid thing. But seeing men camping out there indefinitely, without rocking the boat, makes me want to puke.
Y – Why’s that?
W – Because not far beneath the surface are strong messages and penalties for non-compliance, built in by the unhealed wounds of the founders that push conformity and control. That can turn nice guys into assholes, but not into real men.
That’s my truth.
Y – Boom!
W – Boom.
Y – So, what would the intimacy you want with men look like, if not that?
W – Social connection can so be used to either stay small, and medicate our suffering around that, or it can be used to move through and into our real and true bigness that is actually spring loaded inside of us. The only way that moves with men is through them getting real with themselves and then getting real with others where there is a container space of enough trust and safety to do that. But in a real way, what I want with men, I can only attempt to describe or imagine. I can’t really know it until I am moved and confronted and changed and challenged by it. I know it will test me. But I say now that I want it deeply and that desire has a lot to do with feeling so done with the boredom and emptiness of anything less than being in deepening realness with men.
Y – And what do you know of that could actually move them there?
W – I feel you pressing me to out my truth.
Y – What made you think it would be any different?
W – Hmmm, I guess I felt that if I could apply and discover your truth, Yeshua’s truth, then I could sidestep the journey and process of discovering my own.
Y – Glad you caught that. So back to my question. What prescription do you have for men?
W – OK, out loud, here goes. I’m going to call this my mountaintop yell instead of my elevator pitch. I have found that nothing could touch my own healing like parts work has. Parts Work is getting to know specific parts of ourselves and the wounds, charges, desires and feelings they hold. Parts of us, because they have not been felt by a heart open other – either an us that can show up for them or a caregiver in our childhood or an openhearted space holder – are stuck in their growth, unable to get space from their traumas, and so are unable to go on. SoulFullHeart is a lot about parts work and it has real results.
Y – I would choose your parts work in a heartbeat if I was with you in the flesh. I know I have some parts that still feel stuck from my Yeshua life, what has come of it and they still feel responsible for it.
W – Yeshua, you coming to me for help totally turns around my idea of where our conversations might go. I was wanting to get in on some exquisite input and guidance from you.
Y – But that’s the whole point of realness. No one gets to be outside of the circle of being changed and having more of their soul growth to inhabit, not even me. And one big way people stay stuck and un-real is by projecting their bigness onto another person, so they don’t have to take responsibility for it, to feel it, to seek it, to find it, and apply it. I want brotherhood.
W – OK, that’s a lot to digest.
Y – All right, I get that, but please feel into being willing to feel me, the real me, and continue to let go of some elevated god kind of perception that excludes you and I from intimacy.
W – in-to-me-see,… yes. Thank you, Yeshua.
In this blog series, 90 Days With Yeshua, I share my daily, unedited, journal conversation between myself, Wayne Vriend, and Yeshua. Yeshua is the hebrew and native name for Jesus. The journals will cover my journey this life in Christianity, leaving it, and beyond. I left Christianity as a religion several years ago but my ache and desire for a connection with Yeshua remained. How the blog series came about is explained in this first post. I will be posting daily and am open to comments. Visit www.soulfullheart.com for more about the SoulFullHeart Way of Life.