Every step you’ve taken, every thing you’ve experienced in your journey has been a sacred one, Jillian. There are no ‘wrong’ steps. You might feel or realize or feel something in retrospect about the choices you’ve made, yet it’s all discovery and data. Not about regrets or embarrassment.
Jillian: Good morning, Mother. I wanted to continue the conversation we had yesterday about the need to “prove” that you are real and where that is coming from.
Divine Mother: Good morning, Jillian. Ok, we can talk about that. Is something else in your heart as well?
J: I was awake in the middle of the night digesting our decision to settle in at the RV park, get storage, and reconciling to a dwindling bank account. I woke up this morning with some anxiety about money and a worry that we can’t offer SoulFullHeart if we are constantly worried about money.
DM: What is at the heart of your worry about money?
J: Well, on one level it feels like from past trauma five years ago when I had such a hard time finding a job, had maxed out a credit card, and was living off of borrowed funds from a friend of mine. This was at the end of my time in my previous spiritual healing group and right as I was dating Wayne. I remember feeling consumed by worry about money, it came in waves but was pretty strong most of the time. That was the closest I came to being on the edge financially.
DM: So, a trauma from the past that is being triggered and pushed up to be felt now, as we talked about before?
J: It feels that way. When Wayne and I started dating, we made some fast decisions about livelihood, where to live, and we decided to leave our spiritual group after being told that we couldn’t be together for a year. We were in a lot of pain around that, no longer being in contact with our friends in the group because they wouldn’t talk with us. It was such a hard time emotionally and I was so relieved to be with a man who had a steady and good income from his painting business.
DM: You decided to lean into his income rather than find a job of your own at that time?
J: Yes. It was difficult to work because we were traveling between Canada and California, yet I could have gotten a job. And then eventually, I had to move to Canada because Wayne was barred for five years from living in the U.S., so then I couldn’t work until I became a permanent resident. By that time, I was helping Wayne with the painting business, doing the bookkeeping, web and marketing stuff, occasionally helping on jobs. We wanted to be together and me having a separate job didn’t fit that desire.
DM: Does it feel vulnerable to part of you to be sharing all of this past history?
J: I guess I feel a part of me that feels a judgement or imagines that someone reading this would judge my choices related to earning a livelihood. I had spent many years supporting myself and my daughter, worked hard and in an office too, and when I left my coaching manager job at E-Myth, I really felt I would be a facilitator full time. That didn’t manifest and I was left with a reality of trying to find a job in a city that I didn’t really want to be in. That whole time was about an old life “hitting bottom”, as you’ve said before.
DM: It feels good for you to share your background story, Jillian. You went through an intense time back then and I feel how part of you might be concerned about judgement from others. Yet, your desire to serve others never left you, did it?
J: No! I was creating a website offering a facilitating service just a month after leaving the other spiritual group called Emotional Body Enlightenment (EBE.) I wanted to serve others, I wanted to help them connect with parts of themselves and with you, especially as I became closer to you. The next few years, I had waves of wanting to serve, serving a bit, and then retracting again. But, the last two years have consistently been about offering SoulFullHeart and serving others through it as a new way of life. The last two years have been about aligning our livelihood with that passion purpose.
DM: Hmmm…I felt your energy change at the end there. I felt you come forward, claim what you are here to offer without shame or embarrassment.
J: And it seems like the sun came from behind the clouds at that moment, Mother.
DM: Yes, I like orchestrating movements in the sky with emotional movements.:) Every step you’ve taken, every thing you’ve experienced in your journey has been a sacred one, Jillian. There are no ‘wrong’ steps. You might feel or realize or feel something in retrospect about the choices you’ve made, yet it’s all discovery and data. Not about regrets or embarrassment.
J: I feel that most of the time about the past. It just feels like this feeling is being pushed up by the choices we are making and what life is bringing us right now. I could feel a sense of being humbled by living in that RV campground. Yet, at the same time, I felt enlivened by the possibilities of every moment that become freed up somehow by not being tied to our old life that was mostly dependent on painting income.
DM: You are moving into my flow. A flow where you are trusting life and the Divine to provide for you….through opportunities and synchronicities which not only provide for you, they allow you to experience and serve love.
J: My old picture of what service looks like is being shifted around and collapsing.
DM: Yes, and your previous experience of how you were being provided for is changing too from what you or Wayne could earn to what you are being offered to respond to.
J: I feel how you are offering to come from a place of self worth and trust rather than embarrassment and a feeling of not being cared and provided for by life.
DM: Yes, this is a shift inside of you and a shift that is being offered the world as well.
J: We didn’t cover the ‘real’ question today but maybe tomorrow?
DM: Unless something else comes up, of course. And, Jillian….I love you.
J: Ah, Mother, that goes in. Thank you. I love you too. And I feel your love as we navigate this situation, a love made even more available by the choices we are making.
DM; Yes. The choices being made together.
In this blog series, 90 Days With Divine Mother, I share my daily, unedited, journal conversation between myself, Jillian Vriend,and the Divine Mother. The Divine Mother is the feminine aspect of the Divine or female God, a consciousness which is easily accessible to connect with, especially during these troubled times of transition and urgent need for awakening consciousness. The Divine Mother appears in different faces and energies, including the face of Kuan Yin, Dark Mother, Magdalene, Mother Mary, and others. For more about the Divine Mother, you can also read Jillian Vriend’s book In The Arms of Mother: Healing Through Conscious Connection With The Divine Mother and Introducing The SoulFullHeart Way Of Life on soulfullheartbooks.com, Visit www.soulfullheart.com for more about the SoulFullHeart Way of Life.