My biggest fear…is that I end up living in only a small portion of my true domain, where my gifts and callings are only experienced as distant wishes, where there is a great gulf between who I feel myself to be in life and who I feel I was meant to be.
Wayne – Yeshua, are you in? Today felt like the day to connect again. I see we have 2 more days to go.
Yeshua – I’m in. Let’s wrap this up.
W – Wrap this up?
Y – It was and is a big deal. We need to put a bow on it and call it done for now.
W – Really, I thought I was all caught up in production mode lately with all the moving and stuff.
Y – Inactivity and rest isn’t any more sacred than its counterparts. It’s all about feeling the connection that you are. You are divinely connected. You are in the Christ. And the divine can be extremely productive when it wants to and when it needs to.
W – Okay, I like that, because I’m in plenty of activity this past month and it’s gonna be a bit yet.
Y – How’s the move coming?
W – What a movement it is, Yeshua. It dawned on Jillian and I five weeks ago to give up our place, sell our stuff, purchase an RV, and live in it. It’s on track for next week. Wow.
Y – What have you been feeling in it all?
W – Tons every day it feels like. ‘Tons’ sounds a bit heavy I know. For parts of me, It has been a heavier feeling than a joyous excitement feeling I must admit. I can feel an adventuresome feeling mixed in this all, but mostly there has been feelings of letting go.
Y – Letting go of what?
W – Well, on the outside, it’s letting go of stuff and a really well furnished and decorated home. But what makes that hard is what that’s tied to on the inside. On the inside, there’s been a lot of self image stuff to feel letting go.
Y – What does feeling self image stuff look like?
W – Well, it comes up as anxiety. Anxiety over having the money we need for shifts happening right now and the near future. Food, RV park rental, a storage locker for some painting gear and summer stuff. But it feels like what’s underneath all of that anxiety is really a resistance to letting go of a self image whose time is done and letting in a new one that wants to takes its place. I keep getting the picture of being pressed through a birth canal, and me at times trying to slow it down. It feels like anxiety is a hand brake part of me uses to try and manage.
Y – Oh Wayne, the anxiety flare ups feel so perfectly understandable. From where I’m sitting, I feel so much compassion and joy in your and Jillian’s unfolding journey. That you were willing to lead and choose and respond to the circumstances you found yourselves in; that you were willing to feel all there was to feel; that you were willing to let go of what you can feel is concluding in your life; that you were willing to do it all out loud in real time to support others who need and want to make similar transitions….wow!
W – Thank you, Yeshua. Thank you so much. It’s crazy isn’t it, just to get to be on this journey. It feels so natural and normal in one way, that I maybe take it for granted. It’s just what is.
Y – It is natural and normal. Being in tune with the divine, being guided, feeling all there is to feel as you go – that’s divine. That’s natural. That’s normal. It’s when the self that is overdue to let go, but can’t let go, and is still hanging on because its needs haven’t been felt, that things get really unnatural and abnormal. Change isn’t meant to be torture, or debilitating. Scary, yes. Torture, never.
W – It seems most days there is a fresh batch of things to feel. I’ve found that feeling a big movement of joy or gratitude in the morning can be followed by a big fresh piece of anxiety sometimes on the very same day.
Y – See what I mean about the divine being in production mode?
W – It’s what I signed up for, isn’t it?
Y – And longed for too, right?
W – Totally Yeshua. My biggest fear, says a part of me, probably several parts of me…is that I end up living in only a small portion of my true domain, where my gifts and callings are only experienced as distant wishes, where there is a great gulf between who I feel myself to be in life and who I feel I was more meant to be in my life.
Y – That divide, that gulf, is the divide that has felt like the no man’s land, that the divine wants to now take men and women and couples through. It has been likened to a physical hell and eternal torment, all in an effort to keep people away from the feared place. The feared place is their own bigness unfolding in the world. Anxiety is a big one that is used as a moment by moment feeling prod to keep people in line, subject to the old ways. And self image too. Losing self image is a big threat and another big prod to keep people in line.
W – So what is it about self image? Why is it such a big deal for us?
Y – You were meant to have a self image anchored in being loved. If you received love and feel supported by love, then you have a feeling based self image, that requires no external attachment to bolster it up. It’s all the externals of self image constructing that people have rightly wanted to get beyond and let go of. But having a true self image, a feeling one based in the heart is meant to be part of your essence as a human being. Sacred humanity requires a healthy and heart based self image.
W – I’m meant to feel loved and anchored and supported by love. I’m meant to have that just won the lottery feeling when it comes to love.
Y – Yes, you are. That whatever comes, nothing can touch the love you have and are.
W – I want that more than anything.
Y – You’re living in it right now.
W – But plenty of the time, I, or parts of me still have feelings of not wanting what I have right now.
Y – And both are true. Births occur in tension between opposing forces. Here is where true and grounded soul growth occurs. This is the territory you are called to walk through and guide others through. It sure as hell isn’t about denying what you feel and coming to some much more attractive to collective unconsciousness bullshit place of enlightenment that transcends you out of human life.
W – You said ‘sure as hell’…
Y – Hell is real, just not the fake hell theologians created as a way to not feel the hell they were in. Hell, there’s that anxiety piece being used again, where anxiety over an imagined thing is used to not feel what needs to be felt as a true and grounded anxiety in the here and now. Anxiety is meant to move you, not get you stuck in a dogma. And anxiety is just the counterpart to joy really. That’s all it is. It’s your need for joy calling to you.
W – The joy of feeling loved.
Y – That’s it.
W – Interesting note to come to today. It’s christmas morning….
Y – You said it Wayne. The only thing worth celebrating here is the joy of feeling loved.
W – I don’t want to add another word really…
Y – Well, then don’t.
W – :)
In this blog series, 90 Days With Yeshua, I share my daily, unedited, journal conversation between myself, Wayne Vriend, and Yeshua. Yeshua is the hebrew and native name for Jesus. The journals cover my journey this life in Christianity, leaving it, and beyond. I left Christianity as a religion several years ago but my ache and desire for a connection with Yeshua remained. How the blog series came about is explained in this first post. The first 30 days of entries in the 90 Days With Yeshua series are now available to read in a compiled format, as are days 31-60. Visit www.soulfullheart.com for more about the SoulFullHeart Way of Life.