90 Days With Yeshua- Day 95: Message For 2014: Letting In Your Grand Adventure

yeshua

 Day 95

The advent of the adventure is coming, and in most people’s life structures and especially relationships, they have literally engineered their lives to control and minimize change and newness. The craving for adventure though remains because at heart, they are human, and the human being in all of it’s levels, body, soul and spirit, if it is anything at it’s essence, it is adventure. Risk, unknown, desire, curiosity, experimentation, trial, error, discovery, pleasure beyond your wildest imagination, but not without pain.

Wayne – Happy New Year, Yeshua!

Yeshua – Amen brother!

W – We don’t sound all that convincing. I was in bed by 8 last night.

Y – With all you’ve got going on, I get that. How is it going?

W – Well, I’ve been up and down and all over the place most days the past few weeks, but I always seem to come back around to feeling supported, loved and guided, usually all in the course of the same day.

Y – And you can’t buy that anywhere or new year’s resolute your way there either.

W – Buy what?

Y – The adventure.

W – That feels like it might be a big word for 2014 on a lot of levels. Can you say more about it?

Y – The advent of the adventure is coming, and in most people’s life structures and especially relationships, they have literally engineered their lives to control and minimize change and newness. The craving for adventure though remains because at heart, they are human, and the human being in all of its levels, body, soul and spirit, if it is anything at its essence, it is adventure. Risk, unknown, desire, curiosity, experimentation, trial, error, discovery, pleasure beyond your wildest imagination, but not without pain.

W – Yeshua, why would we cheat ourselves of our own birthright, our own essence? This feels so tragic when you lay it out there like that.

Y – The fuel that the human being cannot be without is love. Real love that is experienced, known and felt in the heart. Only love in this way can give the being enough heart juice to naturally let go into the spring loaded essence of adventure that life is. Without it, there is a dialing back of the adventure to a safety level where it feels manageable and digestible.

W – So all of us have a backed up store of unexplored adventure that we haven’t negotiated our way into yet?

Y – Pretty different from the ‘get a life’ picture, huh? It’s not ‘get a life,’ it’s ‘let in the life you are.’

W – Wow, so you’re saying that the nuts and bolts of my life is infused with adventure and ‘godness’ as it is. That includes all of my emotional reactions; that includes all of my current relationships and what is or isn’t happening in them; that embraces my history; that honours my aches and desires for the future; Wow, what did I miss?

Y – It includes EVERYTHING, man. It’s all sacred, even the shit and especially the shit someone is trudging through. It’s all YOUR GRAND ADVENTURE that you CAME here to live and love into.

W – When we pry the crusty lid off how we normally feel about life to look at from your angle, it seems so surreal. It feels like an alter reality.

Y – I get that. Feel for a moment though how all reality is created. Some realities are closer and more resonant with natural reality. The reality you create can be closer or further away from natural reality. Just because a reality is everywhere around you and looks to have the upper hand doesn’t mean it’s rooted in essence or heart.

W – So there’s like a war of realities going on?

Y – Oh, god, NO. Let’s don’t start another pretext for control and empire and canonized deadness with that war language. There isn’t anything to fight here. Fighting is what people use to ensure that the perception of a war holds it’s place as another control dial on their own sacred adventure that they aren’t ready for yet, even though they are, I would add.

W – So the ‘hereby resolve’ stuff of new year’s is what?

Y – A great way to address your unfulfilled longings and desires while still at the same time planning on changing nothing.

W – Yeshua, that still feels like we’re pretty fucked. Not?

Y – Old systems are fucked, not people, they’re running out of the fossil fuels that they used to run impressively on. They used to work, but ADVENT is here, like it or not. If it wasn’t for the heart, yes, you’d be fucked, and I’d call it a day too. BUT, with the heart, and its need for security grounded in felt love, you will be so surprised by what adventure keeps on rolling out of your sacred life.

W – Jillian and I are moving into our 24’ long 1983 RV tomorrow after selling off our household. It still feels some surreal, but I’ve been amazed how guided and held we have felt. And that didn’t preclude feeling anxious or frustrated in the process. I might in fact be feeling tight and contracted an hour after writing this.

Y – And…

W – And I feel so grateful for my life, that it has an internal guidance system, that it has the ability to draw and digest all the love I need, that it’s anything but meaningless. Meaninglessness is only something I’ve toyed within the past to manage my comfort zone with the ADVENTURE.

Y – This is the real ‘getting into shape’ that wants to be the forefront. All other concerns about body health, or financial health, or social health, all come back to this relationship with yourself. It’s time to pop the hood and feel the condition of the heart, and let its spring loaded essence unfold aliveness back into your life.

W – Man, I’ve missed you the last few weeks!

Y – A little hide and seek just keeps it all alive…MAN. You just keep finding your way back to you.

W – I want to do this with more people, Yeshua. I’m so happy to be doing it with the few people I am doing it with, but I want it to unfold.

Y – Your heart knows this and nothing can stop it really.

W – Well, it sure seems like it gets pause buttoned a lot though…

Y – The good news is that it’s going to keep taking more and more falseness and deadness to keep the heart from naturally arising.

W – Kind of like how computer chips halve in price and double in capacity every two years?

Y – Exactly, this is the force of the heart. It’s an unstoppable momentum that is being so dialed up in this time. Embrace it with everything in you!

W – Yeshua. You’ve given me so much in these 95 days. The fire and passion still feels like the most of it is on the ‘to be digested’ list, and yet maybe that is just my mind trying to track and analyze something so unexplainable and powerful that has changed and is changing the trajectory yet again of my life.

Y – And mine as well. Who knew, huh? I‘m having a big heart orgasm of so much too in this moment. Thank you is only part of it.

W – I love feeling how in this moment, our eyes, eye to eye, our hearts, heart to heart, our tears so natural completes a project we agreed to, and yet, it is a completion and big opening in the same moment. Thank you, Yeshua.

Y – Couldn’t have said it or energized it any better…

W – I feel Marvin, and Luther, and Reuben in my heart who want a hug and feel sooo much gratitude for this all too. They are feeling a lot about the ADVENT-ure.

Y – Marvin, Luther, and Reuben. You taught me so much, and I am forever changed by YOU. There are things in me that I know I can never heal any other way than by getting heart to heart and intimate with parts of myself. You held my hand through that and even let me feel you. It was me who was really being helped. It’s going to take life for me to walk out and digest what you gave to me. Thank you. And Flamethrower, who I feel in the moment inside of me wants to also say a big thank you.

W – Flamethrower. Wow. Thank you for your arising, and for your burning down the house, but mostly for your heart and feeling.

Y – Wayne, I feel the intense changes that are coming in 2014. It’s only the heart that can truly prepare. It’s only the heart that can make any sense of it. The heart is able to navigate it. You’ve shown me that.

W – Yumm, I was thinking a couple weeks back that I’d like to do a series with you about money. I think we started in on that a few days back, didn’t we?

Y – Feels like that’s what’s coming next for us. We are having too much fun to leave this alone for too long huh?

W – My funometer and phenomumeter are giving me a big yes.

Y – Well, let’s do it then.

W – Isn’t there a closing hymn or doxology or something?

Y – There’s millions of them and more being written everyday!

W – Endings mixed with beginnings.

Y – Arrivals and departures.

W – Till we meet Yeshua.

Y – Till we meet Wayne.

In this blog series, 90 Days With Yeshua, I share my daily, unedited, journal conversation between myself, Wayne Vriend, and Yeshua. Yeshua is the hebrew and native name for Jesus. The journals cover my journey this life in Christianity, leaving it, and beyond. I left Christianity as a religion several years ago but my ache and desire for a connection with Yeshua remained. How the blog series came about is explained in this first post. The first 30 days of entries in the 90 Days With Yeshua series are now available to read in a compiled format, as are days 31-60Visit www.soulfullheart.com for more about the SoulFullHeart Way of Life.

90 Days With Yeshua- Day 94: The Joy Of Feeling Loved

yeshua

 Day 94

My biggest fear…is that I end up living in only a small portion of my true domain, where my gifts and callings are only experienced as distant wishes, where there is a great gulf between who I feel myself to be in life and who I feel I was meant to be.

Wayne – Yeshua, are you in? Today felt like the day to connect again. I see we have 2 more days to go.

Yeshua – I’m in. Let’s wrap this up.

W – Wrap this up?

Y – It was and is a big deal. We need to put a bow on it and call it done for now.

W – Really, I thought I was all caught up in production mode lately with all the moving and stuff.

Y – Inactivity and rest isn’t any more sacred than its counterparts. It’s all about feeling the connection that you are. You are divinely connected. You are in the Christ. And the divine can be extremely productive when it wants to and when it needs to.

W – Okay, I like that, because I’m in plenty of activity this past month and it’s gonna be a bit yet.

Y – How’s the move coming?

W – What a movement it is, Yeshua. It dawned on Jillian and I five weeks ago to give up our place, sell our stuff, purchase an RV, and live in it. It’s on track for next week. Wow.

Y – What have you been feeling in it all?

W – Tons every day it feels like. ‘Tons’ sounds a bit heavy I know. For parts of me, It has been a heavier feeling than a joyous excitement feeling I must admit. I can feel an adventuresome feeling mixed in this all, but mostly there has been feelings of letting go.

Y – Letting go of what?

W – Well, on the outside, it’s letting go of stuff and a really well furnished and decorated home. But what makes that hard is what that’s tied to on the inside. On the inside, there’s been a lot of self image stuff to feel letting go.

Y – What does feeling self image stuff look like?

W – Well, it comes up as anxiety. Anxiety over having the money we need for shifts happening right now and the near future. Food, RV park rental, a storage locker for some painting gear and summer stuff. But it feels like what’s underneath all of that anxiety is really a resistance to letting go of a self image whose time is done and letting in a new one that wants to takes its place. I keep getting the picture of being pressed through a birth canal, and me at times trying to slow it down. It feels like anxiety is a hand brake part of me uses to try and manage.

Y – Oh Wayne, the anxiety flare ups feel so perfectly understandable. From where I’m sitting, I feel so much compassion and joy in your and Jillian’s unfolding journey. That you were willing to lead and choose and respond to the circumstances you found yourselves in; that you were willing to feel all there was to feel; that you were willing to let go of what you can feel is concluding in your life; that you were willing to do it all out loud in real time to support others who need and want to make similar transitions….wow!

W – Thank you, Yeshua. Thank you so much. It’s crazy isn’t it, just to get to be on this journey. It feels so natural and normal in one way, that I maybe take it for granted. It’s just what is.

Y – It is natural and normal. Being in tune with the divine, being guided, feeling all there is to feel as you go – that’s divine. That’s natural. That’s normal. It’s when the self that is overdue to let go, but can’t let go, and is still hanging on because its needs haven’t been felt, that things get really unnatural and abnormal. Change isn’t meant to be torture, or debilitating. Scary, yes. Torture, never.

W – It seems most days there is a fresh batch of things to feel. I’ve found that feeling a big movement of joy or gratitude in the morning can be followed by a big fresh piece of anxiety sometimes on the very same day.

Y – See what I mean about the divine being in production mode?

W – It’s what I signed up for, isn’t it?

Y – And longed for too, right?

W – Totally Yeshua. My biggest fear, says a part of me, probably several parts of me…is that I end up living in only a small portion of my true domain, where my gifts and callings are only experienced as distant wishes, where there is a great gulf between who I feel myself to be in life and who I feel I was more meant to be in my life.

Y – That divide, that gulf, is the divide that has felt like the no man’s land, that the divine wants to now take men and women and couples through. It has been likened to a physical hell and eternal torment, all in an effort to keep people away from the feared place. The feared place is their own bigness unfolding in the world. Anxiety is a big one that is used as a moment by moment feeling prod to keep people in line, subject to the old ways. And self image too. Losing self image is a big threat and another big prod to keep people in line.

W – So what is it about self image? Why is it such a big deal for us?

Y – You were meant to have a self image anchored in being loved. If you received love and feel supported by love, then you have a feeling based self image, that requires no external attachment to bolster it up. It’s all the externals of self image constructing that people have rightly wanted to get beyond and let go of. But having a true self image, a feeling one based in the heart is meant to be part of your essence as a human being. Sacred humanity requires a healthy and heart based self image.

W – I’m meant to feel loved and anchored and supported by love. I’m meant to have that just won the lottery feeling when it comes to love.

Y – Yes, you are. That whatever comes, nothing can touch the love you have and are.

W – I want that more than anything.

Y – You’re living in it right now.

W – But plenty of the time, I, or parts of me still have feelings of not wanting what I have right now.

Y – And both are true. Births occur in tension between opposing forces. Here is where true and grounded soul growth occurs. This is the territory you are called to walk through and guide others through. It sure as hell isn’t about denying what you feel and coming to some much more attractive to collective unconsciousness bullshit place of enlightenment that transcends you out of human life.

W – You said ‘sure as hell’…

Y – Hell is real, just not the fake hell theologians created as a way to not feel the hell they were in. Hell, there’s that anxiety piece being used again, where anxiety over an imagined thing is used to not feel what needs to be felt as a true and grounded anxiety in the here and now. Anxiety is meant to move you, not get you stuck in a dogma. And anxiety is just the counterpart to joy really. That’s all it is. It’s your need for joy calling to you.

W – The joy of feeling loved.

Y – That’s it.

W – Interesting note to come to today. It’s christmas morning….

Y – You said it Wayne. The only thing worth celebrating here is the joy of feeling loved.

W – I don’t want to add another word really…

Y – Well, then don’t.

W – :)

In this blog series, 90 Days With Yeshua, I share my daily, unedited, journal conversation between myself, Wayne Vriend, and Yeshua. Yeshua is the hebrew and native name for Jesus. The journals cover my journey this life in Christianity, leaving it, and beyond. I left Christianity as a religion several years ago but my ache and desire for a connection with Yeshua remained. How the blog series came about is explained in this first post. The first 30 days of entries in the 90 Days With Yeshua series are now available to read in a compiled format, as are days 31-60Visit www.soulfullheart.com for more about the SoulFullHeart Way of Life.

90 Days With Yeshua- Day 93: Letting Love In

yeshua

 Day 93

The whole point is letting in love, and it’s the hardest thing of all too. What if all the life experiences and settings and phases that we all go through are really about coming home to ourselves in this way of letting in self love?

Wayne – Good Morning Yeshua. I feel a desire to connect with you again today.

Yeshua – I’d like to connect with you too. What’s brewing today?

W – This feels a lot like Luther’s energy wafting through me actually, but the past few days, I have been feeling a lot about the difference between offering to people a new way of life vs. some ways to become more spiritual. A new way of life is so much more than most people are bargaining for.

Y – Yes, let’s go there. I can feel Luther in that. I can feel you and I in that too. It feels important too for our now 95 days together to say and feel some things together around this, for sure. Start us off will you?

W – Well, let’s see, where to start? I start it off by going to a nostalgia of a whole era of my life where I felt gaining in spirituality would somehow be about escaping my humanity. I would feel my god connection in everything I was doing and that would somehow make me very different from who I felt myself to be in that moment. I didn’t use the word enlightenment as that wasn’t part of my cults vocabulary, but that word carries the energy. The energy being some big transformation where I related to life differently. I realize as I’m writing this though that I still hold that picture of pursuing a deeper depth, a deeper realization. So that part is still the same in this way.

Y – So what’s new or different now?

W – Good question. I set out a moment ago to make a comparative difference and I ended up saying nothing has changed. Help Yeshua.

Y – Seeking the divine is a constant, always wanting more. You instinctively know that where you live and feel in any moment is coming from where you are at. You know that that will shift and feel different when you enter another phase or point in your life. It’s natural to hunger and use your imagination for what’s ahead. It’s natural for our Daemons to be invested big time here. I can feel Luther architecting out where he’d like to go, and maybe fretting over where he may never go, or fretting over repeating history. In all of this big picture though, what makes the biggest difference for me and I feel it dawning in you is an awareness that longing for the future and what it holds can be used as a way to not be present in your humanity now.

W – And with that left unfelt, then I’m guaranteed that whatever future shifts in my spirituality; whatever ‘attainments of enlightenment;’ that all of us seem to wired to pursue; will fall deeply short somehow. There won’t be a grounded me there to feel and appreciate who I am and what I am, just as I am.

Y – What if all the life experiences and settings and phases that we all go through are really about coming home to ourselves in this way of letting in self love?

W – That’s such a powerful ‘what if’ question. As I feel it, I can’t think of a single rebuttal.

Y – The whole point is letting in love, and it’s the hardest thing of all too.

W – Wow, I get that. I just parted with boxes of old journals because of the huge downsizing and moving into an RV next month, and what I felt was the point of these journals that never got handled or read much was a part of me wanting to harvest at some point in the future a deep ‘ahah’ about my life, some deep feeling of reward. It was like l had a sense that life is slipping by and there’s something I should be feeling, or seeing, but I can’t seem to put my finger on it, so I’ll write and save these journals so that in the future I may be able to decipher what was missing.

Y- The only thing that was missing is the love that you could have felt in those moments but were prevented from feeling.

W – Love that was available, just not…not what?

Y – Not let in.

W – Wow, that’s so hard to feel, because in all the activity of my life, and the attachments to my way of life, all the time money and energy was about getting something in return. There was a lot of passion put in.

Y – And the point of so much of that passion was to effort obtaining love and attainment which precluded you from feeling the love that you are suspended in.

W – Wow again! So I resist love by seeking it? Why would any sane person do that?

Y – Who said you were sane?

W – heheheehe, I so get that. I had a mutual consensus claim on sanity though. People liked me Yesh, I was hot stuff.

Y – Letting go of all the false pursuits of love that are designed to hide your resistance to love is the phase of life that you are now entering. This is true for you personally and for humanity collectively.

W – Ok, That right there…that says what I was feeling when we started today about leading a new way of life. Jillian and I were so bold as to name Soulfullheart the Soulfullheart Way Of Life, because we so wanted to capture that reality. It isn’t a revised, repaired or improved way of life. It’s a departure from an old way of life and accepting entirely new premises about the point of life. That’s a bit mental for sure to describe it that way, but most folks need some mental scaffold to be able to track. The point beyond the mental definition is to let in new feeling reality experiences of self love, love with others and love with the divine, period! Let that in, and then see what that’s about and what’s next from that point.

Y – And how’s that working so far?

W – That’s a big question. Mixed results. Big personal results, but not so many ready takers yet. Seems folks are heavily invested in their current way of life that precludes them from embracing a new one. I know I couldn’t have been sold the package I’m offering 10 years ago.

Y – What if people’s current disinterest is necessary for this time for you to deepen into this planting in the earth with the few souls and hearts you have while others are passionately completing their current way of life investments with blinders on.

W – That feels true when I feel it. I’m again asked if letting in love that is here for me now is enough. I feel how I could be charged about people not getting this and that really being about my own resistance to love. I so don’t want to be in a phase in the near future where others are embracing Soulfullheart and I’m still stuck in an old resistance to love pattern.

Y – Back to filling up journals for future digestion.

W – Fuck that! I want love now.

Y – Luther said fuck. Awesome!

W – Yeah, this is so Luther’s angst and desire. Interesting that he let me talk it out with you today.

Y – The future that you are stepping out into Wayne is yours. I feel Luther surrendering to you and your choices, as he can feel your spine and holding. Luther’s still Luther though of course.

W – Of course. The course of history is at stake.

Y – Well, that’s true. It is. It’s wake up time.

W – So we know that letting in love is the big deal, and letting go of all of our resistances to love, what comes after that?

Y – Who knows?

W – I’d like to know.

Y – Keep going then and you will know when you know.

W – Thanks again Yeshua.

Y – No, thank you!

W – Okay. I’ll let that in!

In this blog series, 90 Days With Yeshua, I share my daily, unedited, journal conversation between myself, Wayne Vriend, and Yeshua. Yeshua is the hebrew and native name for Jesus. The journals cover my journey this life in Christianity, leaving it, and beyond. I left Christianity as a religion several years ago but my ache and desire for a connection with Yeshua remained. How the blog series came about is explained in this first post. The first 30 days of entries in the 90 Days With Yeshua series are now available to read in a compiled format, as are days 31-60Visit www.soulfullheart.com for more about the SoulFullHeart Way of Life.

90 Days With Yeshua- Day 92: Navigating The Aliveness While Being Afraid Of Your Own Bigness

yeshua

 Day 92

I want you to look on the face of God right now Wayne, and each of your parts as well, and see what I see. I see the Divine looking at you with so much pleasure, with tears streaming down it’s face, tears of such joy and pleasure. It has waited, it has risked, it has mourned, and been in travail for this arising. Can you see that?

Wayne – I want to ask your help again, Yeshua. Can we do Day 92 today?

Yeshua – For sure, I miss you and us these days.

W – Thank you. I’ve missed you too, and yet there’s been this feeling of a need to go out and take into life what we opened out together to ground it all and test drive it all somehow.

Y – I get that. I so get that. Spiritual theory that doesn’t work or relate to real life is useless, other than for creating a false impression.

W – Maybe that’s the gift of doing this exploration with such a small following, there’s no one around gullible enough to impress with false spirituality, leaving it to find something much more authentic.

Y – That is so true. What you and I opened out together is waiting to be test drove by whomever wants to. It wasn’t revised or canonized. It will speak for itself in the powerful movements it creates in people’s lives by those who simply let it resonate their own truth to them.

W – I feel how our time together put me on a full speed ahead course. I’m still very much responding to trying to integrate it and be with it. I’ve written for years about change and letting go of the deadness of the status quo, and sometimes, I still feel like I’ve offended the ‘status quo’ gods.

Y – What do you mean?

W – Just waking up this morning and laying on my back and letting my mind wander over the things I want to do today, I got this sharp internal pain, not physical, but a fear pain that the world I’m preparing to enter will somehow be the end of me. I know I have parts of me going through deep change, so part of this feeling is of course rooted in those parts of me, but I also feel a soul aspect, a being aspect that feels this fear.

Y – Keep going.

W – Well, on the surface, today, the feeling pops up around doing all the repairs to the RV that I need to get done in the next 3 weeks, the time and money and energy budget for those repairs. This pain arising feeling is like a too large dab of wasabi in with your Sushi, it takes over everything. The feeling is that everything is going to fail and fall apart and it’s only going to get more and more difficult as I step into this change. It’s message seems to be ‘turn back, turn back.’ I’ve felt this feeling many times especially in the past 8 years since I chose to let go of keeping my life the same as much as possible. The intensity is though that there is no viable turn back option. The only turn back is to shut down and not feel, go into deadness.

Y – And…

W – Thanks for letting me talk this out. Part of me is self conscious about not making sense and not being able to containerize or perspectivize these feelings. But this isn’t about getting space from these feelings right now. It is about letting them be what they are, letting them be felt, letting them have time and air. This fear pain thing I can feel has been with me my entire incarnation this life. It was unfelt underneath previous life arrangements that I embraced in relationships and work endeavours, but there I can feel it was about managing this ‘monster,’ keeping it at bay. Now, it feels like life has given me the space to let this pain arise and be felt.

Y – Don’t stop now.

W – I can so feel why keeping life the same gets big press and huge sales when I compare it  to facing this ‘demon’ inside, this fear of annihilation. I can so feel though to continue to structure my life in any way that attempts to not feel this is futile for me at this point in my life. I’m amazed by how choosing a deep soul mate bond and claiming myself and Jillian and our bond so pushes up this pace of change and any unfelt feelings and fears can’t survive the safe containers I kept them in. It’s like a failing nuclear containment vessel.

Y – I’m so fucking touched Wayne that you can just say this as it arises, your own words, your own deep feelings, not trying to solve or fix. The fear is real. The risk is real. Life as you know it, and parts of you know it, is again about to irreversibly change. There is no guarantee that it will be better than what you gave up to embrace this change.

W – So then, why do I choose what I choose?

Y – You tell me.

W – I knew you were going to say that. Why do I choose it? I choose it because I actually fear the alternative of remaining medicated and dead will be a much deeper regret in the end. Any one of us can choose to enter our own bigness and allow life and the divine to loving and persistently deconstruct our false securities. I’m called to lead that, and the only way that’s in any way real is to let it continue to unfold in my own life. My words and message have zero power and value if I turn back, except to counsel people on staying stuck and navigating the deadness. I want to learn how to navigate the aliveness. Most of all, I can feel I want to get to know myself, to get to know love and to honour everything I feel.

Y – I want you to look on the face of God right now Wayne, and each of your parts as well, and see what I see. I see the Divine looking at you with so much pleasure, with tears streaming down its face, tears of such joy and pleasure. It has waited, it has risked, it has mourned, and been in travail for this arising. Can you see that?

W – Yes, I can. It’s hard to look upon in one way and so easy in another. The tears go sooo deep. I so want real love and real security. Why would I ever settle for anything less?

Y – This is the deeper initiation, my friend. In the beginning, God. If you resisted feeling this feeling, you would be choosing an abortion. You’ve done that enough times to find your courage. This is the climax you and the divine have waited for and wanted for so long.

W – And somehow I won’t lose any of this repairing my RV today?

Y – You will lose it if you don’t repair your RV today. :)

W – Again, you’re the best. Thank you. I so feel Luther looking at you with such a warm glow. He wants a hug.

Y – A hug he gets! Wow, so much of this today was him, I know. Thank you, Wayne. Thank you, Luther.

W – Till we meet again.

In this blog series, 90 Days With Yeshua, I share my daily, unedited, journal conversation between myself, Wayne Vriend, and Yeshua. Yeshua is the hebrew and native name for Jesus. The journals cover my journey this life in Christianity, leaving it, and beyond. I left Christianity as a religion several years ago but my ache and desire for a connection with Yeshua remained. How the blog series came about is explained in this first post. The first 30 days of entries in the 90 Days With Yeshua series are now available to read in a compiled format, as are days 31-60Visit www.soulfullheart.com for more about the SoulFullHeart Way of Life.

90 Days With Yeshua- Day 91 Healthy, Grounded Anxiety In The Unknown

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Day 91-

This is the terror of profound change. The divine itself feels this terror. So then why wouldn’t it follow that for a healthy spiritual and emotional life, as part of the divine, there will be arising anxiety to feel and digest simply as a result of taking in more love.

Wayne – Good Morning, Yeshua.

Yeshua – Good Morning, Wayne.

W – It’s been a full week since we completed our 90 days together and I thought we should do one of our promised extra 5 last days together.

Y – Sounds good. Where to, my man?

W – Well, It’s again my personal process that I always digest with you, but I feel a call to be transparent and vulnerable personally  to see where that fits in the larger shifts for our world right now.

Y – That’s been our pattern. What good is a teaching that isn’t being transparently lived out by the teacher? That’s playing games with other people’s lives where the leader is afraid to live into an unknown reality, and using the followers as guinea pigs. Leaders by definition lead into the unknown. If the leader has already made known the unknowns, they are no longer leading, but merely guiding, still necessary and good work, but not to be confused with real leading.

W – Thank you, Yeshua. I heard a compliment in there.

Y – For sure you did. You are leading an edge that hasn’t ever been led before that I know of.

W – I feel how all of my life I was seeking and even demanding this kind of leader to be there for me, to learn from and follow, and now it feels strange when I feel called to be this kind of leader. Part of me is balking at my preparedness and credibility for the task.

Y – The turning point Wayne is realizing that you aching out that desire and seeking so intensely in your life pushed up your soul’s passion to see that in the world, and volunteered you for the job. I know this one, to some degree. :-)

W – There always feels like such an expansive presence in connecting with you, where we could go in so many tempting directions, but I feel to open out something that I really want help on for myself, and that I feel will be of the most help for others choosing their own unknowns, and leading themselves out of status quo life camps, I’d call them.

Y – Yeah, let’s go there. I so feel how all of us are so prone to status quo. It’s stifling for sure, but we all are challenged by its gravitational pulls from our needs and desires. Need and desire and fear is underneath our camping out in persistent life patterns that are brittle and unchanging. However, fear, desire and need are not the culprit, but rather our unwillingness to feel those unpleasant feelings. Finding the courage to feel the underlying feelings is what allows change and flow to return to its natural state and undo gridlocks in a soul’s growth. So that’s the deeper deal for sure, but there’s even a deeper deal under that one. The soul knows that first one quite well, even though it chooses to play forget and play victim. What the soul really knows and tries to hide from is that if it chooses to feel its fears, it lets in profound change, not just relief from stuckness. So it’s really a choice between unpleasant stuckness or what it feels as the terror of profound change.

W – I like it when you get long winded. :-) If I found you in a real life setting, I’d have taken out a lifelong membership of that regardless of the name on the door.

Y – I feel the same about you, so probably life would have to have blown that one up for us to actually not get looped into another monk’s life around all of this. The divine is aching to plant this one in everyday garden variety life and culture. It wants to test it out, in the unknown.

W – Which brings me back to my dilemma. I feel how it’s a good dilemma in the moment and not one that I want to play victim too, though I do try an escape it plenty of the time. Yeshua, I feel how that i don’t hardly go a few hours really and there is some layer of anxiety that arises as an effluent to living into all of the changes Jillian and I are choosing in our life right now and leading in Soulfullheart. I feel it first as a man, then as a couple, then as a leader. If I don’t find a space to feel myself, there comes up a louder and louder tinny feeling in my responses to life, that when I stop to feel, there is unfelt anxiety asking for some love and attention. This has taken some getting over for me, with my old ideas that ‘enlightenment’ would end my human struggle with anxiety.

Y – Keep in mind though that we are not talking about crippling, backed up, anxiety that has people frozen at 3 am in the morning and acting out that unfelt anxiety in all kinds of behaviours. We’re talking about the healthy off gassing of anxiety that arises when you are leading your life into the unknown.

W – I feel so touched by your clarification point, like I got my money’s worth and I could go home now. Wow. Healthy off gassing of anxiety that arises when you are leading your life into the unknown. Wow. Then Yeshua, I have been not only making big changes personally, I’ve also been reading up on and feeling an intensity of collective change just around the corner for us. The can we’ve been kicking down the road is setting up a huge reality check. There is a lot to feel and digest when we choose to feel what is being rejected, not honored, in the collective.

Y – Very much so. You only want to take this stuff in to the degree you can feel yourself as you go. But for most people of course, that means not taking it in at all. Denial though is a funny thing, because on one hand it allows one to postpone an unpleasant feeling, which only in turn sets up that thing to punch through eventually with a popping force. So it’s really a souls’ choice to dial up how they’d like their profound change. You are choosing the manage it as you go route, feel all there is to feel. This means making friends with anxiety, certainly not transcending it through some spiritual attainment.

W – Let’s talk for a moment though about what it looks and feels like to feel arising anxiety.

Y – Please.

W – Well, I feel it as a small contracted feeling that can manifest in an inner tightness. It changes the tenor of whatever I was involved with, whether that was a conversation or something I’m tasking on.

Y – But wait, that’s not the feeling of the anxiety, that’s the arising of an unfelt anxiety. What comes next is the actual feeling of the anxiety. Anxiety gets the bad rap here. If people felt their anxiety, instead of just becoming anxious, they’d feel a universe of difference here.

W – Yeah, you’re right. The anxious state is calling for my attention and awareness and ultimately, my love.

Y – And then we’re right back to as a sacred human, you need and function on real love. You are not transcended from this need. You are rather faced squarely with this need. Anxiety calls you back to your essence. Then when you feel your vulnerability and need, instead of transcending it or medicating it down with any drug of choice, then you enter a new alchemy.

W – That I’d like to hear more about…

Y – Well, necessity is the mother of invention. Feeling deeper needs leads to new inventions. If you are willing to feel deeper need, you will invent new ways of being that will be a path cleared for many. You’re gonna have to live your way into that curiosity and find your answer to that technology question.

I’d like to say again that this is the terror of profound change. The divine itself feels this terror. So then why wouldn’t it follow that for a healthy spiritual and emotional life, as part of the divine, there will be arising anxiety to feel and digest simply as a result of taking in more love. This is the divine exploration that you are on by simply following your desire.

W – I read somewhere the other day a brilliant writer saying that desire was part of our problem because it was based in wanting what we don’t have, which meant we are relating to the universe out of a scarcity approach. If we were really letting in abundance, then we wouldn’t have desire.

Y – Tell that to his limp cock.

W – What?

Y – I’d like his cock to test that theory. Cocks don’t lie. They just want what they want. That’s all transcend your humanity bullshit. It’s porous angel souls wanting to sell you on a disembodiment plan. The divine is looking for takers on the embodiment plan that are willing to live a real life. Wanting what you want is what the divine wants to live through you.

W – The lord is my shepherd, I shall want and want and want.

Y – Yes, and find and find and find, and be found completely again and again and again in love.

W – Orgasmic love.

Y – You had enough sex lately?

W – Me?

Y – Get on with your day, my man.

W – Thanks again, Yeshua.

Y – You’re welcome again.

In this blog series, 90 Days With Yeshua, I share my daily, unedited, journal conversation between myself, Wayne Vriend, and Yeshua. Yeshua is the hebrew and native name for Jesus. The journals will cover my journey this life in Christianity, leaving it, and beyond. I left Christianity as a religion several years ago but my ache and desire for a connection with Yeshua remained. How the blog series came about is explained in this first post. The first 30 days of entries in the 90 Days With Yeshua series are now available to read in a compiled format, as are days 31-60Visit www.soulfullheart.com for more about the SoulFullHeart Way of Life.

90 Days With Yeshua- Day 90! Laying Down Your Life

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Wayne, this brings up the price of this. I told a man who thought he had done everything according to the laws of Moses to be as near perfect as he could be, that the only thing he yet lacked was to go and sell all that he had and to follow me. This is the price. It can be done in stages, but it has to be done.

Day 90 -

Wayne – Whoa Yeshua, Day 90!

Yeshua – We so have done it Wayne.

W – I so recall your energy at the beginning when you said ‘let’s dialogue for 90 consecutive days, no pissing around’

Y – Thank you so much for doing just that. I so wanted this platform to be felt in relationship, to show people a feeling theatre for heart and soul and journey and passion and pain too.

W  – You’ve got me in tears already. I feel so irreversibly changed by this and it is my desire that those who take this in will also have that signature feeling of radically choosing themselves and unhooking from the status quo, and reviving their soul journey from whatever state of disconnect it’s in between the person and the soul.

Y – It will have that effect Wayne on those that are ready to. If they’ve read this far, something is shifting in their being and they are more than okay with it, they are choosing their own heart and growth. They will just need to keep choosing it.

W – I sat at lunch with a man yesterday who said outright to me, referring to how I feel to him in the world “I crave what you have.” I could feel his soul journey in many ways and yet, I could feel a lack of a desperation in him too, still seeking fixes and adjustments and even therapy to manage the disconnect between his big soul and himself. I was of course touched by his words, but I also could feel the internal violence going on inside of him to himself. It actually frightened Reuben to be around that, fearing that he and I might return to that kind of internal disconnect.  Not sure in the moment why I am sharing this story with you. I just wanted to feel it together with you to find out.

Y – This is the ground that you are now entering with men, Wayne. I promised to make you a fisher of men. Men craving what you have makes you really awesome bait. Now it’s up to you to how you want to manage that.

W – That feels like a big transition, to let myself be seen, to offer myself and what I have.

Y – What you’ve earned, Wayne. I want you to feel that. Not just what you have. You earned this. You’ve paid for it with your guts, and your own blood and your own tears. You laid down your life. Again and again and again. You have earned the gold that can never be taken from you. It is treasure laid up in heaven where moth and rust does not corrupt.

W – Whoa Yeshua, pause, that’s a lot to feel.

Y – Yes, pause to feel it. Don’t pause on the feeling.

Wayne, this brings up the price of this. I told a man who thought he had done everything according to the laws of Moses to be as near perfect as he could be, that the only thing he yet lacked was to go and sell all that he had and to follow me. This is the price. It can be done in stages, but it has to be done. You’ve crossed this time and time again and you continue to cross it. It is this in your being that makes you a teacher. Following a teacher who hasn’t deconstructed their false self world is of course by definition a false teaching, a teaching on how to be false.

W – I and Jillian too, have felt plenty of apprehension about finding people who really want this path. Christopher and Kathleen are our only two disciples at the moment.

Y – If you could only see the ones in your field all around you who are so getting ready to cross the space, while you are crossing the space to be ready for them, your apprehension would completely melt away. You are a leader of all men, Wayne. Your journey has been and continues to be in man-hood. Then you and Jillian are leading what coupleship is about. The four of you are leading what relationality is about. You will soon enough have a feeling of casting your net on the other side of the boat and having your nets break under the pressure. This 90 days was so needed to prepare you and them.

W – When you vibe to me my bigness like this, I like it. I take it in, but I also feel a part of me that is still uncomfortable with it too, and slow to let it in. It asks ‘how is this not putting ourselves on another plane and being unrelatable or unreachable to the people I want and feel called to serve?’

Y – That’s just it, Wayne. It is in fact another plane. There’s no way around that. This is leaving the resonance ground of the false self world. You will be unrelatable to many until they take ownership of a choice to begin to let go of their false self construct. You’d be wise to feel when they are making that shift, and don’t mistake anything less, even words of acknowledgment or praise as the essential shift and choice needed.

W – So it’s sell everything or go home?

Y – You’d be lying if you suggested anything else by your words or actions.

W – That’s sobering.

Y – It so is and it is so meant to be.

W – I’m really letting that land in me.

Y – It’s really critical, Wayne.

W – Thank you.

Y – You’re welcome.

W – Ahh, I don’t want to stop this conversation Yeshua. I’m grasping for some more things to go over with you.

Y – Wayne, It’s been so great, and I feel so full. It’s time now to digest this all, to let it root in you and in the world. Our connection goes no where. We’re just pausing on the public download together to breathe and feel.

W – Yeah, you are so right. We did agree on connecting the 5 more days to conclude this, but they will arise as they do.

Y – They will arise when they do. Yes.

W – I love you Yeshua. My heart and my soul loves you as much as in me is.

Y – I love you Wayne. I love you with an everlasting love.

Now go and feed my sheep with all that in you is.

In this blog series, 90 Days With Yeshua, I share my daily, unedited, journal conversation between myself, Wayne Vriend, and Yeshua. Yeshua is the hebrew and native name for Jesus. The journals will cover my journey this life in Christianity, leaving it, and beyond. I left Christianity as a religion several years ago but my ache and desire for a connection with Yeshua remained. How the blog series came about is explained in this first post. The first 30 days of entries in the 90 Days With Yeshua series are now available to read in a compiled format, as are days 31-60Visit www.soulfullheart.com for more about the SoulFullHeart Way of Life.

90 Days With Yeshua- Day 89 Living Your Way Into It

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 Spiritual theory only has value to the degree people can feel it genuinely living in you. It’s what is broadcasting from your being.

Day 89

Wayne – Good Morning, Yeshua.

Yeshua – Good Morning, Wayne.

W – I’m feeling a lot lighter than yesterday. I connected with the part of me we were feeling yesterday all day and it feels so good to connect with a part of me buried for so long. It is so amazing to feel that essences and dimensions of our being are buried and seemingly dead, but then come back to life in a painful birth, seeking love and expression.

Y – This is off the charts, Wayne. I’ve been feeling you yesterday and this morning and I feel this striking shift in you from deep pain to arising desire and a feeling of creative opportunity. Inside of 24 hours no less.

W – Kind of cool huh?

Y – Crazy cool.

W – One of the things I did and felt this part of me joining in yesterday, I call him Reuben, was to go through an old stamp collection of mine from when I was 14, carried along all these years. It was like a fossil imprint of that time in my life that somehow that part of me wanted to gather information from and find love for in the future. Then there was a box of journals that I wanted to let go of from 1990 onwards. Tons of writing and internal processing. Again, I felt a desire in me to have an ‘other’ digest it with me, make some heart sense out of it, draw meaning from it, and really, I could feel Reuben in it all just wanting to feel loved and held in an unsafe world. We read some pieces together, took some deep breaths and now the paper is off to the recycle, I’ve offered the stamp collection as a free give away, and all the feelings are held in my heart.

Y – That all feels big.

W – It so feels like a hanging on to the past to keep it any longer. There is a new life wanting to arise and holding onto these things feels like a resistance to what is naturally wanting to come. It’s a valid resistance if a part is feeling and saying it isn’t ready for change because the past isn’t digested yet, for sure, but I’ve been finding my way through all of that. These 90 Days have been so catalytic to say the least!

Y – Wayne, I just want to feel this moment with you as the moment between two phases of your life. I want to honour it and witness it with you.

W – How do we do that?

Y – We just close our eyes and feel and share whatever comes.

W – Okay, I’m in. What comes for me is feeling the me from 10 years ago, entering mid life, aching for more and wondering about the divergence in my first marriage, some 21 years in, the divergence in my faith, some 28 years in, my ache for relief from the busyness of painting contracting and financial juggling, all keeping a self image as intact as possible. Then feeling the journey and choices in these last 10 years. Then what comes is a feeling of anticipation and desire to enter as genuinely and heartfully into a new emerging life, but this time with a huge heart ability to feel what was really wanting to find love and be felt in all of those years. I’m a new creation, I’m a brand new man. As we used to sing in church.

Y – Yeah, all of it, needs to be honoured and baptized as sacred. Your childhood, your marriage, your daughters, your forays into self employment, your decision to end your marriage and pursue healing. Your discovery with Jillian that is arising again anew. Yes!

W – If I was granted one wish by a genie in a bottle in this moment, I think I would say I want to be more accepting of life on its own terms somehow. I’d like to be surrendered to the reality that life is about healing and life itself is given to us to facilitate that. I’d like to suffer less with any resistance to these movements of life.

Y – Wayne, you just named your tradesman’s alchemy we mentioned yesterday. I mean this ability to feel the desire of the heart in others and yourself, this unfelt ache that men and women know is there, but can’t get underneath it. You, by the essence of your being, will pop this ache and desire in people. When men either draw close to you or recede away from you, I want you to feel this as dance between you and them. Your skills will increase rapidly to navigate this dance with men and women. You and Jillian will team up and do this with couples too of course. I also want to tell you that this is why you needed to be in hiding up till now in painting contracting and not get sidetracked into counselling where you could have really stayed stuck. You are so much more than any counsellor. Counsellors are aching to find the pearl of great price that you have. You are ready to let that be your truth without hubris.

W – I so feel and accept your words and prophetic picture. Thank you. My leading edge accepts it fully and even my trailing edge is wanting the adventure of the changes to come. Reuben feels like 18 and itchy to find his way, and I must say, I do too.

Y – Wayne, you have the entire universe wanting to get in on helping you. I feel that way. I know the divine father and mother does. You are being watched and supported my friend. You are finally fluent in your needs for love and support where it can go into your heart and life and take root in a depth and way it hasn’t up till now.

W – That sounds adventurous.

Y – Everything we’ve spoken about Wayne over these days together needs to find its root in your real lived-in life. You know as well as I do the hype and tinny feeling there is to people pumping up spiritual theories that aren’t grounded in real life. It’s the life that’s sacred over the teaching.

W – I so get that. I can hardly read anyone’s spiritual teaching for lack of a connection to their real life. It’s like we are nearing the end of spiritual theory being relevant somehow.

Y – Spiritual theory only has value to the degree people can feel it genuinely living in you. What you’ve genuinely lived through is what is broadcasting from your being. That’s true for anyone actually. What’s changing is the deep realization that any spirituality is useless to the degree that it doesn’t reconcile one to life. This awareness is dispersing now out into consciousness. This is the great shift that you are witnessing in your day. What a time to be alive.

W – I feel some sadness over the nearing the end of our 90 days together, more sadness now that I just mentioned it.

Y – Sacred beginnings, endings and tears.

W – I so want to live into everything I’ve received from you. I feel so grateful. I’m so touched to feel my life washing up on your shore.

Y – Something about your analogies are so freeing to me. I love you. Oh my god. I have been so changed as well by these days together, and now the universe beckons us on to go out and let this all root into our sacred beings.

W – Well, we’re not done yet. There’s still day 90 tomorrow and then I’d like to do 5 more individual days in the days ahead to add to this to make it 95 in honor of Luther. He had his 95 theses in that life and now he will have it in this life. I have 3 hammers to my name and plenty of nails.

Y – That sounds so good. And you know Wayne, we’ll never be done in another way. That’s the cool thing. Heart adventures rest, but they’re never done as near as I can tell.

W – As near as I can tell, I love that.

Y – I love you.

W – I love you too, so much. My god.

In this blog series, 90 Days With Yeshua, I share my daily, unedited, journal conversation between myself, Wayne Vriend, and Yeshua. Yeshua is the hebrew and native name for Jesus. The journals will cover my journey this life in Christianity, leaving it, and beyond. I left Christianity as a religion several years ago but my ache and desire for a connection with Yeshua remained. How the blog series came about is explained in this first post. The first 30 days of entries in the 90 Days With Yeshua series are now available to read in a compiled format, as are days 31-60Visit www.soulfullheart.com for more about the SoulFullHeart Way of Life.

90 Days With Yeshua- Day 88 Deepening Your Vulnerability To Love

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 The meltdown is the melting down of the pure gold that is in you and separating out the ‘what isn’t you’ anymore. You needed the level and flavour of the self image you had up till now to arrive here. It is no longer needed to where you are now and where you are headed. You lived your way to this meltdown. You earned it.

Day 88

Wayne – Can’t say Good Morning this morning, Yeshua.

Yeshua – What’s up, Wayne?

W – I’m attempting to connect with you this morning between waves of a meltdown.

Y – I’m honoured.

W – Quite the difference from where I was at yesterday with all the General Patton humour. Wow.

Y – It takes what it takes. What are you melting down?

W – That’s an interesting way to put it. hmmm…….I got home from our day of purchasing our RV as our next home and I felt so many feelings competing to get up for air. This is all a part of me’s reactions, but for this moment, I will just use ‘I’ as it helps feel the strain of it. ‘I’ felt the RV was in need of a lot of repair, was below my standard of buying new or near new, or at least in really good shape. I felt my dad’s judgment around his pride of his RV, and how that man I knew would have felt kicked in the gut by my choices.

Y – Wow.

W – Yeshua, some deep layer of old relationship to people and money and self image in the world is falling apart through this. I got home after being quite composed and functional and even a little bit excited, and then a dam broke. It subsided, and then another wave came through this morning before connecting with you now.

Y – I honour you Wayne and this part of you.

W – Your waves of love are landing so deeply as I type through tears to let that in.

I felt how just accepting Christopher’s resources and loan to make the purchase is a huge shift for me. This part of me has so liked the anonymity of money and the self reliance and self image that earned money affords. All of that ground is trembling as we speak.

Y – Holy ground, Wayne. The meltdown is the melting down of the pure gold that is in you and separating out the ‘what isn’t you’ anymore. You needed the level and flavour of the self image you had up till now to arrive here. It is no longer needed to where you are now and where you are headed. You lived your way to this meltdown. You earned it.

W – Yeshua, that is touching something so deeply right now. I feel this overwhelming desire to feel held and loved and cared for. Some of that is the part of me who couldn’t feel my dad’s preference for me as a boy over his RV, and some of that is my souls’ ache to heal a scarcity relationship to love that feels several lifetimes long.

Y – This is the deepening of your vulnerability to love. It generally only comes in meltdowns. You are called to feel this and let the love you need be found in you, let it hold and soothe and pacify and comfort. Not the love of money power, or the love of impressive status objects, but love that comes from within and without.

W – I so feel how much of my attachment to my familiar lifestyle is actually a dance to avoid these meltdowns. It’s like I could feel them rumbling below the surface, but was efforting and and negotiating a safe distance from them. I feared being swallowed by them. In the moment, I can feel a lifetime where I went into a fugue state with a meltdown and didn’t ever come out.

Y – If Christianity could let themselves feel this one, they’d have a big insight into all their hyper teaching on demonic this and demonic that. The demons are the lords of the unfelt and unloved darkness. Nothing more.

W – Yeshua, why has it taken soo long and so much pain to come here to be finally able to feel this from this new love place?

Y – This is the journey of the soul. It is now emerging from the cold of winter. And when you feel it arising in the springtime of your life and experience, I can only tell you that question and it’s very real pain will be washed away in the brightness and warmth of a love so wide and so deep and so secure. The pain was great, and is great, but only to make a way for the arrival of an unknown till now love.

W – I feel how the the effort of every cell in my body and every synapse of my brain is an aching for that love to be more real. It’s the Christians dream of heaven, the Buddhists dream of enlightenment, the businessmans dream of profit, the beggars hope of a coin. I’m here for that love. Everything else is a set up and a divinely directed stage play to learn that.

Y – And the divine feels the exact same way about you, Wayne. You project your divinity out onto the divine and it does the same thing with you. All in an effort to land in more and more love that fills the aching heart, and returns it to rest and deep trust.

W – Wow, I feel some reaction to that like if how can the divine be my support if it is looking to me for its support, especially when I feel this raw?

Y – This is another mystery now being revealed. Up till now, we’ve needed the picture of a parent god, so much bigger than us to surrender to in order to feel secure. Now we are being offered to feel this from a new place in consciousness of the grown up child, the adult child of the divine. Here we find that the parent who fed us and clothed us is also in need of love and support. Here we find that the love even our divine parent desperately needs is available and in abundance. The love is wanting to be drawn upon to know itself and to feel itself landing in needy hearts. Both yours and the even the divine’s heart.

W – Whoa, that’s a new picture alright.

Y – Yes it is. Love itself is looking for a landing pad. It looks for real time transactions between hearts in a myriad of ways and cultural settings.

W – Sounds like the divine has had its own meltdowns in this journey to love.

Y – It has and it’s taken the maiden voyage through these waters to hold you and guide you through, but also to in turn be nourished by you and your choices and your power. It gave you something because it desires something in return. It needs and wants love.

W – How do I give the divine that something in return?

Y – You let in more love. You follow your heart and where it leads and surrender to the pain and the joy. You travel with it to more of your and its transmutations into more and more vulnerability to love. You become a larger container and canon for love in the world.

W – I would so like to be that for the divine. I can’t think in this moment of anything else I’d like to be.

Y – This is the marriage of hearts, Wayne, that is coming now. This feeling. This ache.

W – Yeshua, I know my false self, or old self, or strategic self or whatever we call it, you are saying is to also be treasured for where it’s brought me. I will do that. It has brought me to this place. Can you speak to how to be with this dichotomy of the me who needs and wants love and the me who tries desperately to avoid love?

Y – Wayne, your false self and its surrender to love is the pathway to your true knowing and feeling love, security and abundance. Were it not for your false self, you would not ever know this vulnerability to love that wants to arise now in your life and world. This is your living message. This is your new tradesman’s alchemy in the world. You will trade this love for all you need, following the divine as your example.

W – I so feel what we called the passion of the Christ in a new way talking with you.

Y – This is a universal ache. I felt it in deep racking sobs in the garden of gethsemane. You are feeling it now. You are introducing others to it. When you’ve felt it, you can assist others back to their own vital connection to love.

W – I’m just a love plumber.

Y – 2 more days.

W – My god, I know. Thank you Yeshua. I invite your help today holding this all.

Y – You know you have it.

W – I do.

In this blog series, 90 Days With Yeshua, I share my daily, unedited, journal conversation between myself, Wayne Vriend, and Yeshua. Yeshua is the hebrew and native name for Jesus. The journals will cover my journey this life in Christianity, leaving it, and beyond. I left Christianity as a religion several years ago but my ache and desire for a connection with Yeshua remained. How the blog series came about is explained in this first post. The first 30 days of entries in the 90 Days With Yeshua series are now available to read in a compiled format, as are days 31-60Visit www.soulfullheart.com for more about the SoulFullHeart Way of Life.

90 Days With Yeshua- Day 87 “Mimicry Is The Goddamned Thing, Sir”

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 Complicated plans are smoke screens for the terror in men of being themselves without the mimicry. Attainment pictures spare men from being in their enlightenment now. You want this, take it now.

 Day 87

Wayne – Yeshua, Good Morning.

Yeshua – Good Morning Wayne.

W – Where to today, Sir?

Y – Sir?

W – Just finished watching a war movie, Sir. Patton, Sir.

Y – Knock it off.

W – Yes, Sir. I mean Yes. I think I can find our connection. It seems I needed or wanted a little distraction to help the spiritual and emotional digestion. The movie seemed to call me wanting to get a bearing on where we’ve come from and where we yet want to go.

Y – And where is it we want to go?

W – I feel how there is not planted in the collective psyche yet a realization of how utterly bankrupt of the heart the male consciousness is. Men don’t have a deeper driving passion than mimicry it seems and a few vices to deal with the resulting disconnect. Something old still needs to exit the stage of our consciousness before a new ground can take root. We ache for a deeper, heart-based passion, and the one for god and country isn’t going to fill the current gap. It must be the sovereignty of the individual that is the new commitment and the new loyalty.

Y – And how do you propose we get there?

W – I have no clue, sir.

Y – Well, I need you to have a clue. Why do you think you’re my running buddy? Come up with a goddamn plan.

W – I just got a plan, sir.

Y – That was quick!

W – No time to waste.

Y – Let’s hear it.

W – I propose I set out with every man I meet and every interaction I have with any man over and around anything in my interaction with that man, to be utterly transparent, to be myself, to let go of any remaining mimicry bullshit energy, tell that man what I want with him, what I’m not getting and await his reply.

Y – And why do you think this is the best plan?

W – For several reasons. First is this has never been done before. We know we need a new approach because all prior approaches have failed. Second, If it cannot begin with one man and be real between 2 men, it cannot ever be real with all men. Third, preaching this to the masses has become a way to hide something in plain sight in this 21st century of 4 second attention spans. It must be relational rather than informational. Fourth, Any deficiency among men is always about a heart deficiency of only 1 man. If one changes and crosses the divide, all men change in that man. This is the Christ consciousness. Only through the illusion of separation has this secret been kept secret. Fifth, nothing less than full blooded heart and soul passion is worthy of us, and anything less will not summon the guts required to take us where we ache to go. Sixth,…

Y – Whoa, Okay, I get it, you had me at 3.

W – There’s one more, sir.

Y – What’s that?

W – Everything else is just plain fucking boring. Sir. It’s dead. Out of gas. Now is the opportune time.

Y – And do you think you are up to be this man?

W – I hope so.

Y – You hope so?

W – Yes, sir, I hope so.

Y – All this hangs on a hope.

W – And a prayer.

Y – Ohhh, a prayer too.

W – Yes Sir.

Y – heheheheheh….. ahhh, Wayne.

W – hehe…..Yeshua.

Y – You may be just one man, but the truth is, it only takes one. You don’t need to provide the power or the desire to shift this in men. That already is hardwired in the universe. The universe just needs a man to test drive it. And yes, the universe is doing this on a wing and a prayer.

W – And a hope.

Y – An inextinguishable hope. It will want what it wants forever. If not you, then another. If not now, then soon.

W – Might as well be me here and now.

Y – Awesome answer.

W – Do you really think I’m your man, Yeshua?

Y – You keep feeling and wanting, non stop, out loud. I don’t know of any other criteria needed actually. Yes, you’re my man.

W – Wait, I don’t really want to be the only one.

Y – You won’t. One changes, they all change.

W – Right. Hmmm, okay. This really needs the reality check of just being lived into, doesn’t it?

Y – And that’s all it needs. Your six point plan is the best I’ve seen.

W – And if it doesn’t work?

Y – Then we do what gods do. We dream up another plan.

W – Simple as that.

Y – Complicated plans are smoke screens for the terror in men of being themselves without the mimicry. Attainment pictures spare men from being in their enlightenment now. You want this, take it now. If not, wait for someone to bring it to you. Mimicry will eventually get you where you want to go. It will just take a while longer and you’ll miss out on leading the adventure.

W – Like Paul said ‘Imitate me as I imitate Christ’

Y – Like Yeshua said ‘Imitate me as I imitate Wayne’

W – King of Blasphemy.

Y – Ouch, now that fucking hurt.

W – Sorry. I am. Ouch. Sorry. That’s still the reaction that I can feel in so many.

Y – Fuck the so many! What does the reaction of so many have to do with your 6 points?

W – Nothing, Sir.

Y – Not one goddamned thing.

W – Mimicry is the goddamned thing, Sir.

Y – And the god blessed thing.

W – We win, either way.

Y – We win, either way.

In this blog series, 90 Days With Yeshua, I share my daily, unedited, journal conversation between myself, Wayne Vriend, and Yeshua. Yeshua is the hebrew and native name for Jesus. The journals will cover my journey this life in Christianity, leaving it, and beyond. I left Christianity as a religion several years ago but my ache and desire for a connection with Yeshua remained. How the blog series came about is explained in this first post. The first 30 days of entries in the 90 Days With Yeshua series are now available to read in a compiled format, as are days 31-60Visit www.soulfullheart.com for more about the SoulFullHeart Way of Life.

90 Days With Yeshua- Day 86: Response-ability: Full Blooded, Heartful, Alive, Passionate

yeshua

Teaching something that hasn’t been seeded into consciousness by a heart choosing and feeling isn’t a teaching at all. That’s asking someone else to pay the price for the consciousness that you hope to one day find and inhabit.

Day 86

Wayne – Good Morning Yeshua.

Yeshua – Good Morning Wayne.

W – Wow, only 5 days to go. Then what, Yesh?

Y – What would you like it to be?

W – I would like it to be a deepening into living from my own heart and soul. I think that says it all plainly. The rest is all words about what I mean by that, and you and I both know what I mean by that. And in another way, I have no clue what I mean by that. That’s why I’m living my way there.

Y – Wayne, you haven’t stopped much in these 85 days we’ve been going to feel how much you have changed.

W – ….Okay, that just went into me like a wave of heart and love. Thank you, Yeshua. The tears reflect a deep rooted fear I’ve had this life of staying the same, of not growing, of exploring only a tiny piece of my potential. I know I’ve changed a lot and grown a lot, and yet there is a way that the place I grow to becomes a new normal, from which I again have some fear of staying stuck.

Y – I love you. Wow. And you say that as you and Jillian are dismantling life as you know it again to let in and find what you sense ahead of you.

W – Again, thank you for feeling me. I’m surprised we are actually able to trust this much unknown. Then on the heels of that feeling is a part of me wondering if some essential survival mechanism is on the blink for me not to have the anxiety that maybe I should have. There is plenty of the old and new flowing through me at the same time. I wanted to get your help on this actually. We are shapeshifting into a new way of living, including residence, geography, how we exchange value, what we eat and how we prepare food is sure to change. Any advice?

Y – Wayne, I feel you are going to navigate it like a pro. You’ve waited your whole life for this. You wanted so desperately to be a true blue missionary in your early Christian days. This mission, the one you are setting out on now, needed to be founded in your own heart and autonomy, rather than an authorization from an organization or group of people. But in reality, it’s connected to all people because it is arising from autonomy and sovereignty, which is the essence of man. I want to go on record saying that your deepest fulfillments and deepest personal changes are beautifully just ahead of you. The deepest gifts you have to give are the ones you live. Any teaching that lacks lifestyle resonance is a false teaching. It is dis-integrating.

W – So if it all feels like a great big mistake in 6 months, can I come and debrief with you where it went awry?

Y – Hey, I get this new ground of pursuing what you want and letting go of guarantees is new and fearful, but it so full of response-ability. Full blooded, heart full, alive passionate response to what is true in you and what matters most to you. You’re doing that right now in letting painting go as your highest offering in the world. It’s less effort than holding on to it actually. You are feeling your heart and responding. This is the birthing of the new sacred human consciousness.

W – And that needs to be lived into the grids before it can ever be taught?

Y – They go hand in hand actually, and you’re right, teaching something that hasn’t been seeded into consciousness by a heart choosing and feeling isn’t a teaching at all. That’s asking someone else to pay the price for the consciousness that you hope to one day find and inhabit. To teach truly is to prepare a way, live in that way, and then offering that way is something very natural.

W – And I’m getting as you’re talking that that’s where my deepest value offer is in the world.

Y – Yeah. Which raises the question ‘why is it right for you to expect that the earth and the mother sustain you and your needs when you demand to give a lesser version of yourself to the world in return?’

W – That ain’t right. That’s a child and his tantrum.

Y – Hopefully a really good tantrum that pops something.

W – Yeshua, it feels like we are on the verge of something so epic.

Y – You are. Both personally and collectively. What this shift needs is people feeling and navigating from their hearts to assist in its birth.

W – I’d so like to be one of those.

Y – Then keep doing what you’re doing.

W – I like how you are just giving me the feeling space to let this settle into me. You and I know that there is a million questions that also feel true, but I get you want to answer them all from a higher feeling place, and then see what questions remain.

Y – Yeah, there is a lot of activity choices for you today. Prompts to do this and that. I’d so love you to begin to feel a deeper heart ground and guidance underneath all of that. That is your light that all men will be drawn to.

W – All men?

Y – All men and women, sorry.

W – I meant the all part, not the gender thing.

Y – I know you did.

W – So how am I drawing all?

Y – Because if you can’t draw all, you can’t draw one. You are not separate.

W – I’d like to let some more of that in as I feel parts of me fretting about ‘my’ this and ‘my’ that.

Y – Well, if you can feel yourself giving to all, and living for all in this way, then you’ll be able to be supported by the same all.

W – I like that. Whoa, I’ve so got old scarcity ground and new abundance ground inside of me competing for space it feels like.

Y – And noticing that is fine, but you don’t need to give it much beyond that, because when you are living from your heart, you are activating the new ground and it is busy sorting through what needs to be moved and felt. It’s like you and Jillian putting your hands on everything you are selling and feeling it shift in you as you go. It moves on its own.

W – Thanks Yeshua. Any Idea what to title today?

Y – None whatsoever.

W – Don’t we need a flashy title to draw people?

Y – Only if your heart is covered over.

W – Thanks again, Yeshua. 4 more days to go.

In this blog series, 90 Days With Yeshua, I share my daily, unedited, journal conversation between myself, Wayne Vriend, and Yeshua. Yeshua is the hebrew and native name for Jesus. The journals will cover my journey this life in Christianity, leaving it, and beyond. I left Christianity as a religion several years ago but my ache and desire for a connection with Yeshua remained. How the blog series came about is explained in this first post. The first 30 days of entries in the 90 Days With Yeshua series are now available to read in a compiled format, as are days 31-60Visit www.soulfullheart.com for more about the SoulFullHeart Way of Life.