Category Archives: Romance

Like Magnets: What is it that draws us to our romantic partner?

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By Jillian

What is it that draws us to another person romantically?

Attraction and body chemistry?

Value resonance about the domains of life that are most important: spirituality, family/friendships, professional passion expression, money, etc?

Friendship and companionship?

Soul resonance and perhaps past life history;  the couple is drawn to each other to complete a sacred contract from the past?

These all may be the more conscious factors that draw two people together to explore their “usness”- the third alchemical energy that is created when two souls come together in relationship.

The more unconscious factors (and often deeply buried reasons) that draw two people together can be childhood wounding resonances and parental projections/imprints (the other person energetically and emotionally “matches” the parent of the other for which there is a hook up/need to heal from past wounding); mutual need for safety/predictability and fear of being alone; and unspoken agreement that neither partner will change the dynamic of the usness.

Often people are drawn together because of the mirror that they see in the other- the potential to feel and see themselves more clearly and at more depth due to being in relationship. And others are drawn to mates who seem to be the opposite of them- this too can be felt to be an opportunity for them to experience themselves in contrast to their mate. There may be limits to the depth that is possible from this relationship, however, because a relationship based on contrast may just have too many non-resonant feelings, values, experiences, motivations, and desires to really sustain lasting love.

Our defenses seem to be most afraid for us to draw a relationship with a mate that would mirror to us how qualified we are, how big we are, and that we are beloved children of our Divine parents. If we embodied our own bigness in this way, we risk drawing to ourselves risky, challenging, and even harmful experiences. We risk losing that love someday and potentially facing great pain which our defenses would like to help us avoid. And so, our defensive protectors prefer for us to settle into safety, into security, and often into a silent agreement between partners that neither will change nor grow too much so that the bond would have to change too.

Journaling with our defenses and healing childhood wounding/parental imprints can help us to feel the unconscious reasons that we are in a relationship, especially one that seems more toxic than healthy or is resulting in a looping pattern of suffering and push/pull.

I engaged for years in a self-to-self healing process with an outside person to facilitate this process to uncover these reasons in myself that were keeping me drawn to relationships that caused more suffering and reflecting my lack of self worth. People around me could so easily see that I deserved more and to be with men who really wanted me physically and emotionally, yet I continued to be compelled (it seemed beyond my control!) to be with men who struggled to want me after an initially intense mutual desire and attraction. Through my own internal discoveries and being felt by my facilitator, I felt how this pattern was a reflection of my childhood experience in which I had been abandoned by my birth father and later two step-fathers. My defenses/ego/guardian part were providing me with more of the same experience (men who couldn’t commit) because it was known and less risky and because I needed to heal this wounding in myself. Going through this pattern and connecting with my defenses around it and advocating that I was ready and wanting a committed relationship with a man who really wanted me was what I feel led me to draw my soul mate in Wayne.

Additionally this push-pull pattern with previous relationships also reflected my push-pull relationship with the “male God” and my soul’s history with patriarchal religions and wounding from persecutions. I was able to feel the dual applications of this life wounding from my childhood and soul wounding from multiple lifetimes. This dual application allowed my defenses to rest even more and allow the relationship with Wayne, our usness, to offer healing to me.

Powerful questions to ask yourself if you find yourself drawn to a relationship that isn’t as nourishing as you want can be: What is good about the “bad” things in this relationship? How is my partner similar to my mother? My father? How is a pattern of suffering in relationship familiar and, therefore, safe? Why are you (my defenses) helping me to draw this relationship rather than helping me to draw one that will nourish me? This last question is essentially: What are you afraid will happen if I draw a truly nourishing relationship?

The sacredness of relationship is the mirroring potential that it offers us to deepen our intimacy with ourselves and others, develop our strengths, and heal our wounds.
This sacredness can  be most experienced and leveraged by engaging actively in a healing process where our defenses and parts can be felt, negotiated with, and through this process learn to trust us as we navigate the risky yet nourishing waters of romantic relationship.

Exploring Femininity In Relationship: Responding versus Charging Ahead

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By Jillian

Desire can be an ember. It can be slow burning. It can be tentative and hesitant; cautious and unsure. Desire can be provisional and exploratory; unsettled and indefinite. Desire can be open to consideration; speculative about how it will be ultimately fulfilled. Yet, always hungry and eager to be fed.

My desire has been ravenous at times; eating up greedily, swallowing up, galloping ahead, making hasty choices and rushing in, eager to finally feel satisfied. This hustling, mad dash to the finish line, has led to rushed decisions at times and hurried commitment to situations that were more frustrating than fulfilling.

This rush to gratify my own desires impacted my marriage by creating a dynamic between me and my husband Wayne where I was leading, charging ahead, and he often felt that his desires, concerns, and leadership didn’t have much room to be expressed. It was if the fire of my desire and my vision would consume us both. While I loved feeling that passionate surge inside of me, what I came to realize was that what I really desired was to collaboratively create, and lead with Wayne as an expression of our intimacy and closeness with each other.

I’ve experienced that intimacy invites us to heal by offering a ground of deepening familiarity and closeness with another person that also provides us with a powerful mirror in which to see ourselves. As the saying goes…Into-me-I-see through intimacy. Through my relationship with Wayne, I was able to see that the way I related to my own desire was more masculine in nature than feminine. I feel that the invitation to a woman in intimacy with a man is to respond to male leadership with her own desires and leadership. Responding this way allows a woman to rest in her heart, in her trust, and in her yin power.

Female Yin power, to me, is not so much about creating results and taking action (although of course we do!), as it is about feeling the emotional truth of a situation, leading with our heart, supporting our mate, and trusting that where he is leading is where we need to go next. This does not mean we are blindly following along or being subservient to our mate.

I had been a single woman and mother for many years before my marriage and was used to following my own desires to the exclusion of any one else. I was my own mate in this way, married to myself, and got used to not having to collaborate with anyone around major life decisions or choices related to following my passions. Yet, I also ached for that mirror of Intimacy to offer me a deeper look at myself; and I desired for a mate that I could collaborate with, be inspired by, and co-lead with.

Three years into my marriage, I am now in a phase where I feel that what I most deeply desire is to feel that my desire can heat up, it can be a seed or a flicker. And, most of all, that it can be fanned by, inspired by, and ultimately gets fulfilled by the beautiful union of my husband’s desires with mine.