By Raphael Awen
(This is Day 6 of an ongoing series, to begin at day 1, go here: https://goo.gl/CgrWXZ)
Raphael: Hello again, Wow, Day 6 all. Upward and onward to the Demiurge, Shall we?
Metatron: We shall.
Raphael: Any check ins, anyone?
Jim: I’ll go.
Jim: I was listening and taking in deeply the sharing of your story, Raphael, over the last few days. At times, I was just so overcome with a deep sadness for what I wasn’t able to begin to see or feel with you as it was happening, as you were growing up, or entering adulthood, while I was the one you called ‘dad’. I can so feel now how your draw to the Demiurge came in as a placeholder for what you and I couldn’t find together, and for what your heart needed. I need to say again how deep that sorrow feeling goes. I am so, so sorry, Raphael. You deserved more, and I so short changed myself as well with what I could have known and experienced with you.
Raphael: Thank you, Jim. That goes in, again. Must still be some pieces for us to feel there together. Infinite healing, I guess we could call it. Aside from any labels though, I feel the genuine heart chord you are vibrating at right now and it feels so good. Marvin gets now that I chose all of this on a soul level, but it still touches deeply the wounds felt in 3D. And it opens the heart more too, to feel any and all remorse as often as it comes up, till it’s done, if it’s ever done.
Jim: When I grow up, I want to be like you, Raphael. Thank you everyone for feeling me this morning. I hope I’m not too much, it’s just a bit of a task helping out from the other side.
Raphael: You are never too much, Jim. I’m glad you checked in. Who else is feeling something?
Rhodes: I’m feeling something…
Raphael: Please, Rhodes…
Rhodes: I guess… I’ll just recap what we felt together earlier today, Raphael?
Raphael: I know I’d love to hear it in your words, Rhodes, and it feels so important to this journey we are all undertaking. And to those still catching up with our story, Rhodes is my personal Gatekeeper, who resonates at a much higher frequency than 3D, and holds access to other dimensions. We all have one, or more maybe, and I’m very glad to have Rhodes!
Rhodes: Okay, so, yesterday, what was really coming up for me was a despair, of not feeling that excited about the next evolution in Raphael’s life. This was hard to admit, and I don’t think I’ve ever really let myself feel that before. Anything to try and stay positive. I wasn’t able to hide that feeling though this morning as it got really pushed up while Raphael shared about his journey this life. I can call it ‘his’ journey now, but that’s another recent development too. It has felt like my journey for as long as I can remember up till recently. As I was saying, this despair came up strong and Raphael asked me to just feel it together. I was able to feel, and to even admit that the next big discovery, or realization, which I’ve always been attached to in the past, just felt aimless to me now.
I know we have a God hunger, or a divine hunger, I should call it, that still lives inside, well on the other side of the Demiurge variety that is so much more alive, and so much more meaningful, but I just wasn’t into it somehow. I couldn’t quite feel why, when Raphael said, ‘Maybe, being with me in the way you have been isn’t where or how you’re supposed to be?’. He meant that I’m to be vibrating at a higher, more native frequency, not so invested this intensely in what’s happening or not happening in Raphael’s life. I just let out a great big bunch of heartache tears about then. I’ve been a bit jealous feeling Wayne and Andy take up residence in Golden Earth, coming back and forth as they please, and I know I’m meant to be there and beyond too. It landed in me that there has been a big mission accomplished here that I couldn’t see.
I hope I’m not taking up too much space with all this.
Raphael: We can take up the next four years with this, if we want to Rhodes. The Demiurge has been around a long time and isn’t going anywhere. And what we feel and heal together rumbles all the way, even to the big old pain the Demiurge is carrying around.
Rhodes: That feels good to feel…
Raphael: Actually,.. or maybe I should ask Metatron for input here, instead of trying to channel him. Metatron?
Metatron: Actually…, I was feeling a rumble, Raphael, and Rhodes, what an epic movement and celebration, wow! This is the real deal. This is the quantum healing we’ve been waiting for. My goodness, so many directions to go in at once. Let me take a moment….
The Demiurge has been born of consciousness, as were all of us, you, me, each and every part of us going through an awakening process, being re-membered back to love as you like to say Raphael. Before the awakening and remembering though was a separation, or what felt like a separation, an unavoidable soul birth trauma as Divine allness or oneness became two. All fear has its roots in this experience of what could only be felt at the time as separation from the Divine. All the world’s religions and every spirituality to this day exist in an attempt to address these fears one way or the other, some legitimately, many questionably.
Consciousness expanded itself into duality, from oneness into twoness. Prior to that, there was no such thing as ‘other’. What we are learning now however, and taking all the time we need to in that learning, is that though we were given individuality, or as we were ‘otherized’ into existence, you could say, there still is nothing that is ‘other’ to the divine. Not even the Demiurge for that matter. There is only that which is still awakening to the oneness that was retained in the separation. It’s separation without losing oneness if you can grok that somehow.
Okay, I’m going a bit ‘meta’ here I realize, but that’s my name, Meta-tron. Rhodes, how’s this landing in you? Is it bridging to what you are feeling?
Rhodes: It does, Metatron, on a high level bridging for sure. As I dial it down a few levels, I feel how all of our life dramas are connected to this soul birth trauma as you are calling it, as well as the subsequent awakening and remembering processes. I’ve already been able to feel some pretty big aches in the Metasoul that were bleeding into my reality, and I’m feeling that some of this despair is about wanting to be in my native frequency as I said, but other pieces of it are about unfelt despair in some of my and Raphael’s Metasoul brothers too. It’s going to get interesting feeling and distinguishing all that. So, the situation report for the moment is that I don’t think I am, or necessarily need to be as disinterested in Raphael’s life as I said I was feeling, AND, I still want to spread my wings to much more of my multidimensionality going forward.
Raphael: I’m feeling you have a perspective on all this Merlin…
Merlin: I do, a really nice warm and fuzzy one, that has enough clarity for my liking at the same time. I’m feeling this process for you, Rhodes, is perfectly on time with the journey at hand.
The Demiurge long ago took to reigning in these lower dimensions, but it so doesn’t feel like he is having fun doing it, or that he is in his native frequency being here. I mean, beings that are having fun don’t need that much control, or duty and obligation to keep their deal afloat. It’s so obvious that we are dealing with an unhappy camper who doesn’t know anything different, but wants to, possibly,… at least, I’m hoping that ‘want to’ is dawning on him; that a new deal is possible and his own deeper desires are coming into his awareness. If that’s true, then your awakening, Rhodes, mirrors his, and is just what’s wanting to move through consciousness now.
Raphael: Wow, like even the Demiurge is going through an Ascension process…?
Merlin: …like even the Demiurge is ascending, yes, or being offered Ascension is actually more accurate. Nothing happens outside of free will, but the window for it is ripening big time.
Raphael: Then, I’m feeling how we can’t offer anything that we aren’t deeply experiencing ourselves.
Merlin: Bingo! And if we are picking up on the bigger rumble, that the Demiurge is getting close to being done with his Heavenly Father persona, that’s the only way this ambassadorship will achieve anything. Timing is everything as they say, for us to approach him while we are in possession of something he longs for. Ambassadorships work through beneficial mutual exchange. We can only expect to gain audience with him if we possess something he wants. Your journey, Rhodes, is an excellent example of coming free, breaking ancient chains, smelling very fresh air, outside the prison doors, overlooking the beautiful inviting valley.
Raphael: Okay, well that expands the picture here again this morning. We’re inviting the Demiurge out of his prison for the first time…. Holeeee!
I know this is all pure blasphemy of the highest order to those still under the Demiurge’s reign, but hopefully, we won’t encounter too much of their resistance. We can just quietly sneak up, unlock their prison doors too, and split. Let them figure it out when they’re ready and we don’t take any buckshot in the process.
I think all this could use some settling and baking time inside all of us, and assuming the Demiurge has us on speed dial now, and is listening and up to speed with everything we’re up to, then I’ll bet, he could use a bit of acclimation time too, right?
Andy: So let’s take out the Merkabah for a Galactic spin then. There’s some galaxies we could visit that are not too far out of our own solar system. There’s major cool stuff there, and no Demiurge.
Raphael: Andy, we so need all that and more, but I’m wondering how that could jive with me taking the time to share more today of our this-life, this-dimension story in Christianity?
Andy: Okay, How about if we all pile into the Merkabah and I can dial up some scenery then as we do?
Raphael: Sounds Perfect, Andy. I know I can use some higher Starseed frequencies to help going back to reliving some of this stuff. I’ll bet there still is some undigested pieces to feel, or I wouldn’t be drawn to retell the story.
Where was I?
Jim: You said that wasn’t the end of the airport coincidences that day in the airport.
Raphael: Right, let me launch back in there then.
So, Mar-yam and I and our two daughters are making our way across the Pacific at 35,000 feet digesting this wild coincidence, or in our books, a miracle, that happened just before boarding. I didn’t know the word ‘synchronicity’ at the time, or relate to them the way I do now. It gave us a warm feeling to digest an obvious ‘supernatural’ sign of God’s blessing or approval on the mission ahead, and on ourselves if we could feel it as that.
We landed for our short stopover in Tokyo, where we have to switch planes. Seats are in short supply when we check in, so I end up sitting one row ahead with Mar-yam and the girls just behind me on this final leg with a four or five hour flight into Manila.
My desired window seat is a great place to be alone with my thoughts and feel a whole dimension of something that I so rarely get to feel, so I settle into my own cocoon. As the flight begins its descent into Manila, the people on board naturally begin to stir, and I make a motion to greet my seat mate for the first time on my left, a middle-aged Asian man. We did the usual by asking where each other was headed after landing in the capital. I again recited the name of the province we were very soon to be headed by bus. He smiles and says, ‘Oh, that’s where my family is from, but we live in Manila now.’ He of course asks, ‘What city?’, I tell him, and his smile grows wider, he responds, ‘That’s where my family is from.’ I don’t know if I could take this anymore at this point, and luckily, he didn’t personally know of the Pastor I was going to visit, but he did know the family name.
Wow, I was just digesting one coincidence and got another one stacked on top of it. The question of ‘what are the chances…?’ didn’t even enter my mind as I so felt this was outside of the realm of mere chance. It was a personal confirmation of God being in this.
We landed and crowded our way off the plane as I shared this story with Mar-yam, without much time to digest it, making our way through the luggage and customs gauntlet. If I didn’t get the message with the first coincidence, I was given another to make sure I got it. I did get the message, yet I struggled to know what it’s deeper meanings might be.
Within a day of arriving, after another long ride, this one by bus, we met with Marben and Amy, the Pastor couple, along with their family and very welcoming congregation.
Given their esteem for us; along with all of our cultural and logistical bridging needs in a very foreign country; in an out-of-the-way town; our daily travels etc.; we formed a tight knit feeling of bond and community together that we all hoped would naturally extend well into the future with many comings and goings between us as well as our churches.
A few days after arriving, I did meet Marben’s brother and gave him the note I had for him from the Filipino man I had sat beside while boarding in Seattle. He smiled lightly at the coincidence, and simply read the note and stuck it in his shirt pocket. I recall feeling a bit disappointed that it wasn’t somehow anything more significant, or supernatural.
One day, I recall disappointing Marben badly by wearing my overseas footwear of choice; flip flops; while setting out to speak with a large group at a city wide gathering. We found our way through the cultural differences sufficiently to grow deeper and deeper over the short period of time, with a mostly natural ease.
Nearing the end of our time together however, a troubling growing awareness of some huge disintegrities arose that Marben seemed to be keeping well under wraps. It appeared that he was involved sexually somehow with the pretty and vulnerable Bible School students that the church led; that he was also not detached from the local communist party like he claimed he was; and also that church finances were going sideways off the books.
The other leaders from our church group had left a week earlier and had chickened out from addressing any of this, hoping I would surrender to the usual default same face-saving charade and just ‘cool off Marben’s way’ after a ‘nice’ church send-off service. Voila.
I knew all that Marben and we had talked about in regards to ongoing deeper involvement and being overseas ‘sister churches’ was off the table. There was no way we could go home and support any of that now, with what we suspected.
What I couldn’t bring myself to do though was to play the charade card. I knew an extra special send-off service was planned for us the following weekend and so the pressure to keep nice was about as strong as it could get.
The next day, when Marben dropped by as usual, I found my courage and told him about the 3 questions about him that had arose, which left unresolved would hinder all that we had hoped to share together going forward. I made it as easy as possible on myself and rolled it all into one sentence. He let me finish, pierced his eyes like daggers along with his forefinger and said, ‘That’s right, you don’t know’, and headed for the door. Our next time to see him was him smiling warmly as usual for the send off service where the locals piled us high with flowers and even received a love offering to help send us on our way.
The last thing I did before boarding the return flight home was to find a mailbox in the airport to mail him a letter I wrote him confirming that we would not be continuing with any of the plans we had made until when and if things got resolved.
It was a tough one to digest going from feeling all of this ‘supernatural confirmation from God’ through the coincidences at the outset of this trip to this kind of a death on the way out the door.
Returning back home to our church, the fellow Elders and Pastor weren’t interested in debriefing any of this in any kind of a relational way as it was just an embarrassment, and ‘a bit of spiritual warfare to put behind us’ so the real work of God could go on unhindered.
The again default pattern of not facing and feeling real relational issues inside of our personal and leadership relationships was reaching a boiling point in me. Mar-yam and I had lamented it ongoingly now for years. I knew I wasn’t about to rip anyone’s head off, but I sure as hell couldn’t remain in this kind of a charade forever.
I sadly gave myself to the finding and diving into the next painting contract. In the world of contracting, we made a promise and kept it, and that somehow felt like a balm of integrity in the face of the game playing we did in church, that more and more and more, I was on the edge of losing my stomach for. I wasn’t aware of any misgivings towards God, but we, as his people, were sure a sad pathetic sight is how I felt about it at the time.
Metatron: Wow, Raphael, what a universe!
Raphael: I know, huh. It’s like I’m right back there at the moment, feeling myself as Marvin so looking for a way through the jungle, while being afraid to feel how much of a jungle it was at the same time. What do you make of it all, Metatron?
Metatron: I get it, Raphael. As being part of the church, you were all fired up to take God’s truth to the far flung places on the planet. You had thee instruction guide for meaningful relationships, and this was the best you were able to come up with. That has got to be maddening.
Raphael: That was maddening for sure. But what was even more maddening was the unwillingness to admit any of it. Truth was, and this took me some more years inside of all this to feel, is that there was a lot inside of myself I wasn’t willing to face, that I needed to keep hidden. It wasn’t as glaringly obvious as chasing women, or dipping into church finances, but it was stuff I was subconsciously very geared to not feel or face.
Part of me was using God and the hopeful focus of really making my life ‘count for God’ as a way to not feel what this part of me so wanted to escape feeling, believing that feeling that would be the end of me. At the time however, I couldn’t feel any of that hidden subconscious stuff. I could however feel very clearly that the key to finding our way through the jungle was to get real, to get real with each other, to get real with God, with whatever we could feel as real.
The admission I made in the elders circle, and resignation letter that I mentioned last day, came within months of returning home from this trip. I needed to take my own medicine and get real with myself. Mar-yam and I soon left our beloved all-in church behind, and went on to join one where we had no knowledge of the inner workings. I simply didn’t want to know, and feared that if I did, I wouldn’t be able to hang out there either.
I see now, that it was at this point that my belief and intense focus on the Bible as ‘thee deal’ lightened some, even if I couldn’t admit that either at the time. I opened myself back up to non-Christian music and reading, which I had been conditioned deeply to feel as backsliding. Who’d have guessed, for instance, that a Mormon, a decidedly deceived person, in our particular staunch Christian mindset that is, like Stephen Covey, could write such a grounded and genuinely helpful book like 7 Habits Of Highly Successful People without threatening hell, or sounding like a street preacher?
I knew two things instinctively at the time. One was that ‘God was for us’ and the other was that ‘He needed us to reach for the help we sought.’ I reached for the self-help aisle in the local bookstores and checked in from time to time to see if any Christian authors in the Christian bookstore had got real in the meantime.
It was a journey from this point over the course of the next 14 years, of slowly, but surely, thinning out one ‘pillar of the faith’ after the other. I did come across a small group claiming to still be true Christians, but had dispensed with many of the popular Evangelical claims, teaching a very alternative message. I dove deeply into two particular teachers in that movement for a good while. Mar-yam found it a breath of such fresh air as well, and we were even surprised to find two couples in our circle of long standing friends that were ready and hungry for a similar shift in focus. It allowed us some personal quiet breathing room, to feel into more of what we believed and why, while not jeopardizing our claim to being Christian, at least to ourselves.
A big one came around the halfway point of that stretch coming to the conclusion, as well as to the admission, the latter being the harder part, that I no longer held the Bible as the ‘inerrant, inspired, God-breathed, Word of God’. My intuition was pinging on all cylinders telling me that the only point of an ‘inerrant book’ was simply control, and that any ‘God’ out for control, was no ‘God’ at all. I had to adjust my picture of God and the Bible to a more progressive one in order to continue for the time being and that’s what I did.
This was the point though where Mar-yam became quite uncomfortable with where I was going, realizing that without that conviction, as liberating as it admittedly felt on one level, there also was no guarantee on anything, including our marriage. Our close friends interest in this new message and movement dried up at this time too.
Andy, I’m thinking a break-point is in order soon, can you dial us in an address to park this Merkabah for a bit?
Andy: Got the perfect spot in mind, Raphael. There’s a black hole super portal in our vicinity, and then just a mere 12 million light years from there, so we’re good. I’ll have us with our feet up in no time. Hold tight everyone, you might feel a bump or two.
Raphael: You are thee best, Andy! I’m thinking there’s some more digesting we need to do, but I’m a bit tired from the reliving of all this, and I know there’s more to feel, that I’ll need a nights sleep or two along with Andy’s galactic stay to digest this all, and what we’re fixing to do, from an elevated perspective, we could call it…
Anyone have anything they need to share before we take a pause?
Merlin: Pausing’s good.
Rhodes: I’ll say…
Raphael: Until next day then, everyone. What a day’s Journey this was. Many, many thanks again!
Raphael Awen is co-creator, teacher, and facilitator of the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life. Visit www.soulfullheartwayoflife.com for more information about Weekly Sessions, Live Streams, Videos, and Community.