by Kalayna Solais
I am still in SO much glow this morning after celebrating my birthday with my beloveds yesterday. Actually, it wasn’t JUST with my beloveds here in the flesh… it was also with all of you who wished me a happy day from your hearts. ❤
Every year, my birthday tends to bring with it a birth canal or even a series of birth canals, in the plural, for me to move through in order to keep becoming the being that I most desire to be, in the relationships I most desire to hold dear, and in the purest energy of service of love possible. Last year, my marriage and longterm relationship with my dearest soulmate so far completed and that whole process was bringing up SO much for me to feel every single day. This year was actually the most celebratory for me, as I wasn’t moving through ‘loss’ so much as deep inner ‘gain’ and feeling how much more capacity I now have to let that IN.
Jelelle reflected to me yesterday that in previous years, it felt like no matter what they ‘gave’ me, for parts of me it was never quite enough. Entitlement on some level was covering over deep unworthiness to let in love. And that’s true. Yet I never felt it as ‘not enough’ coming toward me. I actually distinctly remember feeling that I couldn’t let it in, especially the positive reflections of who I am that my beloveds tried to share with me. Their love couldn’t land because I couldn’t land inside of myself and my parts could barely, even after years of working with them, let ME in, let alone my nearest and dearest.
This year… I’ve been moving more into a flow of letting go and letting be while also letting in. I’ve still needed to set boundaries with others, letting go of explorations and connections so that they can arise again anew someday if they’re meant to, yet the sadness of this is flowing alongside a new sense of inner peace with myself, as I am now, even in all of my learning curves and imperfections. There’s a new conviction about who I am and what I’m here to offer, yet also a softness in my heart that though healthfully protected, remains open and in self-love overflow and compassion towards others that seems to grow every day.
This is new. And while I’m letting in such deep appreciation for myself and my own journey that has led me here, I’m letting in those who I can exchange deep and meaningful love and resonance with more than ever before, knowing that this is really all I need. It’s a tall order relationally to show up for on all sides, but it’s worth it to be in the journey of letting it in, not settling for what isn’t this (yet) and trusting that everything and everyone you need right NOW is with you and within you too. ❤
Thank you to everyone who celebrated with me/us yesterday, in person and in energy. Your hearts all land in mine in big ways.
SO much love,
Kalayna Solais is a Love Ambassador, SoulFullHeart Women’s Facilitator & collaborator, soul scribe, and poetess. Visit https://www.soulfullheart.org for more information about space holding sessions, group calls, videos, community, etc.