Day 19 ~ Journal To The Demiurge

By Raphael Awen

I set out to connect with the Demiurge (as an Archetype of the Christian God, or Jehovah as he is known, in the Old Testament sense) some days back. Today’s journal entry penetrates the false world of the false God we created out of our need for separation and then, rememberance with the love that we are.

Some very tender tears and feeling points emerged today.

You can read this entire series from the beginning on the blog here:

Here is Day 19:

Raphael: Good Morning, everyone. Everyone…, as in here in this immediate circle, yes, but also in ‘the many’ in the emanating circles flowing out from this one – Good Morning to you. ‘God Morning’ to you. A new day is dawning and it is as full of God as God can be.

When I feel what has moved for us in this journey, it so feels like a very wide and open space has opened out for us, creating a palette that awaits our imprint. I feel like I don’t know where to begin. The landscape is of fresh fallen snow so pristine. Can anyone help me out here?

Demiurge: In the silence just now, I thought for sure it would be Metatron who would speak for us all, but after waiting, I feel it is supposed to be me. I’m not sure I can speak, but I feel compelled to at least try. All of your intention and action to undertake connecting with me has opened out a place in me that I didn’t even know was there. I feel a gratitude that feels as large as what I can only describe as an ocean of falseness inside of me. Being the projection of everyone’s disowned power makes one look powerful, even feel powerful in moments, but underneath it all, I have felt like people’s disowned smallness and impotence, and fear. I have had official duties to carry out to keep the charade in place, but all of it is so far from real.

Raphael: Thank you, Demi. I like calling you by your new name. You don’t feel like the Demiurge to me any more. Maybe, Demi won’t even feel like a fit before too long at the rate of change you are living into now. This feels so tender what you are admitting and feeling today.

Demi: Thank you, Raphael.

Raphael: I want to ask you what it was that prevented you up until now from admitting the falseness you admit to today.

Demi: That question feels so large inside of me right now. The relief that I feel flooding into my being to make this admission so begs the question why I couldn’t or wouldn’t have done this sooner. I know it has to do with being literally fused to my reality, to not being able to see that there even was any options available to me. I don’t mean to say by that, that I don’t bear any responsibility, because I do. I know I accepted the projections the people put on to me, and I didn’t have to. I accepted that role as something at the time that seemed just too good to pass up. I wanted to be God, the creator and the destroyer of worlds. I was captivated by the role for a long time. But then, that captivation began to change, slowly, but with an unmistakable back pressure.

Raphael: To witness you, Demi, in a true alchemical midlife crisis is just so amazing to me in this moment, even beyond a midlife crisis really, stepping out into something new.

Demi: I can so feel the part of me that wants to curl up and die, to go away, to not face anyone. I need to feel that part of myself, and I also feel I need to accept responsibility for what I created, to feel what I avoided feeling, to feel people’s honest reactions.

Raphael: Well, in my book, if you are feeling all of that, at the same time, you are a true king of hearts.

Demi: I’d really like to ask your advice, Raphael. I know you asked my advice on so many occasions, under the false pretenses that are falling as we speak. I humbly ask you for your help and guidance. I want to live. I want to love. I want to fully accept my responsibility for what I’ve done, but I don’t want to live forever in punishment if at all possible.

Raphael: (tears) I am humbled by your humility. Looking in your eyes and feeling you, seeing you, come to terms with your remorse moves the entire universe, Demi. This is an act of your true Godhood. My advice is simply to feel us all feeling in this moment. Feeling what there is to feel while it is being felt is what transmutes everything that is awaiting transmutation. I’m so honored to share this moment with you.

Demi: I literally don’t know, what planet I’ve entered now.

Raphael: Metatron, maybe you could help us a bit here. What planet are we on? I’m not so sure myself.

Metatron: This is all the planets, Demi and Raphael. This is what holds together all matter and all spirit. This is what answers the heart cry of creation itself. This is the homecoming of love to itself.

Love birthed out of its oneness, a twoness, and in that was a great potential for relationship on one hand, but also, and fearfully so, was also a potential that this twoness would remain outside of the oneness in its experience, separate from love. Love seemed given to reckless abandon to do it anyway, prizing the gift of relationship over the fear of loss. What we are feeling today is loves vindication. Love has won. Love is winning. And, love still has much winning that has yet to occur. All of these are true. Love is out to marry its essence with all of experience.

Raphael: My goodness, Metatron! That is so wild. I thought you were going to help us locate ourselves a bit here. I feel more lost than I did before, but in a good way. Wow.

Metatron: Get used to it, my man! There’s a few more steps on this staircase awaiting the tread of your feet. You’re the one speaking about things awaiting to be felt. This is what creation itself is waiting and wanting to be felt.

Raphael: I recall that familiar verse in the Bible that says ‘the whole earth, or cosmos, groans in travail, as in birth pangs for the manifest sons of God’, and this moment reminds me of that.

Metatron: And what, Raphael, are the manifest sons of God? What do they do, what ‘be they be’ that makes them the manifest sons of God?

Raphael: I’d defer that question to you if I thought you’d let me, but I can tell you want my answer. Hmmm, what makes a manifest son of God? No pressure or anything, just the question at the heart of the universe wanting to be untangled. I’d say that has to do with feeling. Everything that is both right and wrong in the world has to do with what is felt or unfelt in the world. Sonship and daughtership is a relationship, an opportunity that begs feeling, a fireplace for the fire. When feeling what there is to feel is repressed, we create monsters of destruction that ultimately serve to take us back to our common need for love. Sons and daughters feel. Feeling takes us back to love. Even the monsters of our own creation are gifts that remind us of the love we are and always were, even as we individuated out from God, as a son or a daughter. I am a son and I am God. Both are true. How’d I do, Metatron?

Metatron: You’re rockin’ it man. You’re more metaphysical than I am sometimes!

Raphael: I think I need some ‘mega’physical about now. What say we take in some sun and surf to let in this piece? I know Andy wants to play, and I want to play too. Let’s rest up, digest and continue soon. We have a few more pieces left to feel together it feels like. Thank you, everyone.
Raphael Awen is co-creator, teacher, and facilitator of the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life. Check out our programs: FREE, PREP and DEEP, for a new and profound going-on place in your spiritual and emotional journey at

Return LOVE in money form: or visit our Patreon page to become a monthly supporter:

Day 18 ~ Journal To the Demiurge

By Raphael Awen

(This is Day 18, of an ongoing series, to begin at Day 1, go here:

Today is Easter Sunday and in today’s ‘Journal To The Demiurge’; God has a meltdown – marrying the pagan death and rebirth with a Christian kind of repentance.

The Demiurge is another word for the Christian God, Jehovah, or Yahweh, who has been mercilessly created in our own image and stuck with our pedestalized shadow sculptings into a huge pretzel.

In the Journal entry prior to this one being released today, a part of me told God off in a big way. In today’s journal, the Demiurge responds with a huge heart opening and transparency!

Here is Day 18: 

Raphael: Okay, All. Let’s reconvene.

That was a big deal to digest. I felt a lot of rumblings through me and even raw edges that I’d like to digest here together, but it feels like it should be Demiurge who has the first opportunity to respond. Can you respond, Demiurge?

Demiurge: Yes, I can. Thank you. That popped something big in me. Rhodes, your words penetrated my heart in a way I didn’t know was possible. I’ve never felt your reality, any of you, like I did with your words, just my own reality. I’ve always passed off responsibility for my own actions onto others and onto the people themselves for exalting me as their sovereign. I have known for some time that something deep was shifting inside and outside. I just couldn’t feel what it was. I’m coming now to know what it is. I’d very much like to say, ‘I was wrong, and I am sorry.’ If there is anyway, I can be forgiven, I’d like to find that.

Raphael: My goodness! What a new timeline. The ‘God of heaven and earth’ seeking forgiveness. Wow. This is another layer to digest. This changes the trajectory of this summit. I felt a big rumble through me since Rhode’s confrontation of you, Demiurge. It felt like the remnants of a fear held inside of me of some kind of repercussions from you coming from parts of me or parts of my Metasoul. I’d like to check in to see who that might be.

Martin: I know, I’m definitely a piece of that, Raphael. I’ve held some hesitations about this whole idea of direct connection with you, Demiurge, as the Demiurge, rather than as the Christian God, in Christian surrender and obedience. I’m completely blown out of the water with all this. I’ve always felt fear of repercussions from ‘God’. When Rhodes told his truth, he spoke a truth from way down inside of me that I’ve never allowed to see the light of day. It scared part of me to feel that Rhode’s truth was my truth.

What I also know is that I used the conviction of being right with God as a powerful self-righteous superiority to bolster and bypass my own inner parts of myself that have never known real worth or real power. I see that I lived in fear of God as a small price to pay for having power over others. My god, to feel that I spawned a whole historic movement with my fear and my invalidated parts of myself is almost too much to bear. If only I could have seen this without needing the mirror of an entire denomination and 500 years to show it to me, and to the world?!

Raphael: Wow, what a revelation, Martin! From ‘the just shall live by faith’ to this. Wow. Let’s make space for other reactions and we will find the space to digest all of these together. Who else has reactions to Rhode’s words or to Demiurge’s words?

Arthur: I feel like I don’t deserve to be a part of this, having waffled between posturing to appease the Christians and posturing to appease what I knew to be real in Avalon, but couldn’t claim it,…didn’t claim it. I am very surprised to feel this unfolding to say the least. This changes history so much. I’d very much like to somehow change my history. I’m very sorry, as well. I was wrong. I’d like to be forgiven also.

Raphael: Metatron, feels like your turn? 🙂

Metatron: Thank you, Raphael. This changes everything. What was real before, is no longer real. There is remorse, now plain to see and feel. There were roles to play that have now completed. Remorse is the alchemy that births out the change. All that is required to right a wrong is to feel what there is to feel. Find and feel the part of you who did what it did and why it did what it did. You’ll find all the compassion needed for yourself and for those around you. Forgiveness begins with self forgiveness. When you forgive yourself, others forgive you. When others hold grudges, they are mirroring to you your own inability to forgive yourself.

Raphael: That’s so awesome to feel, Metatron.

Metatron: Isn’t it? I must admit, I got it from you, though. When we can see our makeup of parts of ourselves, we can go so many places we haven’t gone before.

Rhodes: I can so feel this about my own anger at ‘God’. A part of me was punishingly angry at myself for using my godlike powers for lesser things, to be smaller than I was, to cow down to other gods. I so couldn’t see any way out of this loop and so in turn projected the anger outwards. I feel in the moment, Demi, if I can call you that, how my anger at you was anger at myself. I’m sorry for that.

Demiurge: (gentle tears) Thank you, Rhodes. I don’t think you know this, but I always looked up to you like a god, and now I know some of why I did that. I’ve wanted to shed a skin for as long as I’ve existed, but felt it just wasn’t moving, would never move, and so I accepted it as the fate of the gods, to be this lesser god. I see you shedding this skin of your own, being born anew, Rhodes. I’d like nothing more than to experience the same. I’m sorry for the limitations I held for myself and for you. And yes, I can very much use a new name. Demi sounds good to me.

Rhodes: (also in gentle tears) You were the God, we couldn’t inhabit, couldn’t accept ownership of. We all created you, worshipped you and tried to hide our resentments of you at the same time. We really fucked ourselves up doing that. I’m sure, Metatron and Raphael have a metaphysical explanation for why we’d do such a fucked up thing, that helps us feel it as being part of the love we are, but in this moment, it feels really fucked up.

Demi: Fuck! I have never actually used that word. Not once before. That felt really good. Fuck! I have a lot to let go of and a lot to embrace, but somehow, I can feel in this space surrounded in all of your energy how this can all flow naturally and in time.

Raphael: Wow, Rhodes, you turned God into a foul mouth. I don’t mean to make light of something so profound, but this is the lightest proundundity I’ve ever felt. There’s deep coming home to self that feels so easy, and beautiful and natural. There isn’t any right way all of this is ‘supposed’ to be. There is deep sorrow and joy in the same space. There are deeper layers to feel for sure, but I feel they will come for us personally and collectively as we digest this. You just can’t make this stuff up, can you, and yet, that’s just what we did, didn’t we? I’m at a loss for any more words right now.

Does anyone else want to say anything for the record today?

Andy: I do.

Raphael: Yea, Andy. What say you?

Andy: I can feel there’s a whole lot of fun ahead. I so get that we need to feel these big pieces, but I feel oceans of fun and discovery that are waiting for us all to come out and play.

Raphael: I can only imagine, Andy.

Andy: I want to do more than imagine, Raphael, but imagining is a good place to start. It will take us there.

Raphael: You’ve got my vote, Andy. How about some breakfast, some new scenery and more connection soon?

Andy: I’m liking it.

Raphael: Thank you, everyone. What a new world we just entered. Let’s digest and be back soon.
Raphael Awen is co-creator, teacher, and facilitator of the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life. Check out our programs: FREE, PREP and DEEP, for a new and profound going-on place in your spiritual and emotional journey at

Return LOVE in money form: or visit our Patreon page to become a monthly supporter:


By Raphael Awen

(This is Day 16, of an ongoing series, to begin at Day 1, go here:

Today, we made direct contact with the Demiurge.

This ongoing series is a heart chord ambassadorship project to meet with the Demiurge. We took the 15 days prior to set the intention; to sort through the hesitations; to gather the MetaSoul Aspects along with the parts of myself; as well as to gather YOU, the growing posse of hearts – the readers and trackers necessary to host this epic connection.

The Demiurge is the Christian ‘God’ known as Jehovah or Yahweh whom I served as a dedicated Christian from a child on up until the age of 44. I’ve come to see and feel him very differently from how I did then.

You can read this series from the beginning on our blog. Please, please join us:

Here is this epic day – Day 16

Raphael: Good Morning, everyone. It feels like the fateful day has arrived, of all of our intentions and desires, to actually initiate contact with the Demiurge. How are you all feeling?

Metatron: The time has come. Yes.

Raphael: You feel eager…

Metatron: Yes, I do.

Merlin: I feel ready too.

Martin: I’ve waited centuries for this moment. I have some funny feelings, but the time is now.

Andy: I’m so ready, I can hardly stand it. I wore my hiking boots this morning and a backpack.

Sophia: I’m with Andy, and Metatron, and Merlin, and you too, Martin. I also feel the unknowns of all this at the same time. And I want to say, thank you, Raphael, for leading this intention and following it through.

Rhodes: I wouldn’t miss this for the universe. I can’t think of anywhere else I’d rather be.

Jim: My goodness, Raphael, this is more epic than the afterlife. I’m ready too.

Raphael: Thank you, everyone. I must admit, I don’t feel free of all trepidation around this choice either, but I trust that we are being held and guided. I know when a moment’s time has come and this moment to act is here now. I feel too, as I’ve reminded us along the way, that my sense is that the Demiurge has been tracking our dialogue thus far, and has already had what I hope amounts to a softening in readiness to connect. It’s time to step out of the boat.

I’d like to check in with any guidance from you Metatron and Merlin about our approach. Shall we begin with a letter or just start with dialogue?

Metatron: You’ve got this one, Raphael. You don’t actually need my advice. You’ve prayed to this God for a big part of your life, from your heart and conviction at the time. Now, you just pick up where you left off and go from there. Your heart will answer your questions as you go. I feel so much admiration for you, right now, my heart is almost bursting!

Merlin: I see you walking on the water, Raphael. We need this. I feel the Demiurge needs this. It’s happening with or without us is how it feels. We just wanted to be in on the adventure. I’m with Andy, lacing up my hiking boots. Begin where your heart leads you. You’ve got this. We are right here with you.

Raphael: Okay, thank you. Wow, what a rush of feelings.

Here goes.

Demiurge, I’ve known you for longer than I can remember. I’ve feared you, loved you, adored you, came to hate you, despise you. Now, I’m more curious than anything. I wish to connect with you again to feel what’s real between us.

I feel to begin by simply asking you, Demiurge, if you are here and ready to speak with me?

Demiurge: I am here and I am ready.

Raphael: Thank you. Are you Okay with the delegation I’ve brought with me to be present to this journal?

Demiurge: I feel all of your integrity and purity of heart. Yes, I’m quite okay, and more so, grateful for your intention and connection.

Raphael: Really? I have to say, a part of me is surprised, not knowing if you’d even respond…

Demiurge: I’d be an utter fool not to respond.

Raphael: Have you been tracking our dialogue from the beginning?

Demiurge: Yes, I have tracked every word.

Raphael: Well, then, you’ve heard a lot from us. Is there something you’d like us to hear from you as we begin these journals?

Demiurge: Yes, I would like to say that I have deep regrets for who I’ve been and what I’ve been part of. Mostly, I feel what has felt like an utter impossibility of ever changing. My devotees need me to be as they see me, as they have shaped me. One text says it all, ‘I am the Lord and I change not’. I am the unchanging one, feeling more and more imprisoned by my unchanging and eternal nature. Maybe that in itself might be the beginning of change, but I despair of ever hoping upon such a thing. I’m very intrigued by you all, but I’m not sure you can help me. I don’t live where you live. And I very much don’t feel like your kind.

Raphael: That’s a lot for us to take in and feel. Thank you for sharing that. Are you Okay with us calling you the Demiurge? Is that a name you go by?

Demiurge: I am many things to many people and beings, and have been called many things, but Demiurge is who I feel myself to be. It is the name I was originally given.

Raphael: Okay, Demiurge, it is then. Is there anything you’d like to ask or tell me or any of us here before we go any further?

Demiurge: Yes. I wanted to tell you, Raphael, that I felt your story as you shared it about growing up Christian, and how you embraced an even more radical form of Christianity than the one you were raised in. I felt it from being inside of you. I felt some things I never felt before.

Raphael: Demiurge, if I may leave off my own diplomatic stance here for a moment…. as a human being, I must ask you, what were you feeling when you accepted my adoration, my devotion, my money, when I gave you everything I had or hoped to become for all those years and who knows how many other lifetimes?

Demiurge: Honestly, I took it all in as payment for the role I was given. I can tell you that adoration doesn’t mean to me at all what it did then. Things have changed, maybe more than you could currently know.

Raphael: I must ask, ‘Do you see yourself as God?’

Demiurge: No, I do not.

Raphael: Did you ever see yourself as God?

Demiurge: Yes, I was convinced of it for a time.

Raphael: Are you ready to share any of this with the world?

Demiurge: It’s not that easy.

Raphael: I can only imagine. I’m feeling to break for today to digest making this connection. There’s a lot of feelings in a whole bunch of directions. I would like to ask you before we pause for today, how you feel about continuing this dialogue?

Demiurge: I’ve never had an opportunity like this one. I feel some strange saying those words out loud. I’m so used to not having anyone to out my inner world to. I’ve gained a trust as I felt your approach to me that I didn’t know I had it in me. If that’s a consolation of a hope that the unchanging one might come upon some true change, then, as I said, I would be an utter fool not to show up for this as you are, Raphael, and as is your great accompanying host.

Raphael: Well then, we have much to journal and feel together, and we have been given time and space in which to do that, so I say, let’s pick up next day and reconvene then.

Demiurge: I will await your return.

Raphael Awen

March 21 is our Unity Meditation Group Call – details here: Free March Equinox New Earth Activations Unity Meditation Call
Raphael Awen is co-creator, teacher, and facilitator of the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life. Check out our programs: FREE, PREP and DEEP, for a new and profound going-on place in your spiritual and emotional journey at

Return LOVE in money form: or visit our Patreon page to become a monthly supporter:


By Raphael Awen

(This is Day 15, of an ongoing series, to begin at Day 1, go here:

In today’s entry, I check in one last time with my guides about the intention to initiate contact with the Demiurge, just before we set out to do just that on our next day.

I invite you to track this series from the beginning if it calls you, so you can be a part of this posse of hearts forming to support this undertaking. It may go down in history and herstory both!

Here is Day 15:

Raphael: Wow, good morning, everyone.

I am feeling a digestion of Sophia’s shift last time.

I am feeling so grateful for each of you and for this journey together. It feels like without intention, we don’t have connection, and I’m feeling how desire and need precedes all of that, like a circle, spiraling in an upward spiral and ascending higher and higher in creative and recreation process.

If the Demiurge was created by the only source of All-That-Is, that is LOVE, then love is always in movement and flow, even while it is the form of the purest stillness at the same time. In this movement, then the purpose and intention of the creation and co-creation of the Demiurge is shifting, or wanting to shift, and this shift is something being felt in us, moved through us. Each of us is being asked to get to know, feel and love our personal shadow, our personal darkness. We are being asked to come to terms with our own personal hell.

What are you all feeling? I’d like to check in with you first, Sophia. It feels good to call you by your new name.

Sophia: Thank you, Raphael. I feel like I have a mantra on my lips that says, ‘I am the bright, bright, bright, light of God’ and each time I repeat it, it’s like a rocket booster that takes me into a cosmic and galactic space feeling the love that truly upholds all things. It’s a bit higher frequency than being here and even being connected to us all here, or to this journey to the Demiurge, but I’m working on integrating it so I can dial all this in together at the same time. Taking on the new name really has opened out new spaces for me to feel into.

Raphael: Okay, I’ll gladly accept being a part of all that! Yumm. Galactic and Cosmic sound pretty close to orgasmic. They can’t be too far away from each other. They do feel a bit removed though from what I was saying earlier about entering our personal hells.

Sophia: If I may, Raphael, I see it that our hell is the portal to our heaven. One has to be just as willing to be present to both. Both are actually a lot to bear, and both take courage and strength to be with.

Raphael: Yes… that feels so true. Thank you, Sophia, lover of wisdom.

Who else? As you check in today, I feel to put this question into the space: ‘How are we feeling about next steps towards contacting the Demiurge?’ We’ve taken our time to get to this next step. I know I have also felt some fogginess creep into my buoyancy about our mission as well; less focus on the purpose and clarity of connecting with the Demiurge. Part of me feels like ‘if I have it so good, why would I want to make this connection with the Demiurge?’ Could it be that we’ve raised our frequency to the place where the Demiurge doesn’t feel that real or important? Has anyone else felt that? Can anyone else help me sort out what I’m feeling?

Metatron: Good Morning, everyone. I can speak to that, Raphael.

Raphael: I knew you could, please…

Metatron: It’s something we all need to feel together. After Sophia took us to the ‘bright, bright, bright, light of God’ territory, as she so beautifully called it and shared it with all of us, thank you, Sophia…it’s natural to feel this just wanting to leave behind any contending with lower frequencies.

We all needed this frequency increase to prepare us for what’s next, but it’s also so tempting to simply leave these lower realms to themselves. This is why we formed a posse of hearts to hold this intention, desire and energy. None of us could have undertaken this journey alone. No one has undertaken this journey before and for good reasons. The Demiurge is born out of the collective, and so it takes a collective to undertake a formal ambassadorship to make connection with him. My deepest awareness in all of this simply is: none of us get to go home, until all of us get to go home. Consciousness is ultimately leaving no one behind. We can all make great strides of growth and change, but each of us will be called upon to assist the ongoing awakening and remembrance, even as it is, at some point, a personal necessity for our own next steps. I feel called to lead and support this, Raphael.

Raphael: Thank you, Metatron. That goes in, deeply. Wow… who else? I’m feeling you have some pieces, Merlin, yes?

Merlin: It feels like we’re at the place where we’ve made all the preparations and all that’s left is to do what we set out to do, and that is simply to reach out to the Demiurge, attempt to make contact and see what happens from there. Another piece to feel here is that we cannot control his willingness to connect with us. Should he choose to simply not respond, we are kind of left feeling like we failed in this mission. I feel this apprehension among us as we get this close now to simply reaching out. Does that feel true for anyone else?

Martin: That feels true for me, for sure, Merlin. The Demiurge, I’ve always known up till now, simply as ‘God’. I can feel how he feels normal and natural being venerated and feared, but I never heard of anyone approaching him with a conviction that his gig is up, and that he’s a false god, like all the rest of the false gods. He even raged about it in the Ten Commandments when he said ‘thou shalt have no other gods before me’. I can only imagine that any willingness on his part to speak with us would be evidence that he’s had some change of heart since all that was put together. If not, I can’t see we have much chance of gaining audience with him.

Merlin: That all feels true, Martin. It also feels like there’s a deeper piece here for you to. Can you feel if that’s true?

Martin: Yes, I can, and thank you for pushing me a bit. I feel how when and if the Demiurge does have a serious change of heart, it shatters so much of my life’s work. Parts of me haven’t fully come to terms with just what I’m participating in here with you all. There will be tons of remorse yet to feel and heal. There is also fear of repercussions from the people. They gave their trust and I accepted it, all too readily I’m feeling now. So much that was built over time, must now come crashing down. When I travel to your dimension and time and feel what a mess the Church is in, under the Demiurge dominion, I so feel how I need to feel a whole bunch inside, just like we’re inviting the Demiurge to feel.

Merlin: Yes, you got it, Martin. A change of heart in the Demiurge makes for a chain reaction in all of his followers, and in all of those who supported his rise to power, and who benefited from his rise to power. This speaks to the deeper hesitancy we are feeling about opening this portal to the Demiurge. The desire to ‘let a sleeping dog lie’ is understandable, but this dog is beginning to wake of his own accord, and the sooner we bridge to him, the sooner we can hold space for a different future than one that is only a shattering without a new reality on the other side. There is much that needs to die and will die, but it is the rebirth that wants to arise out of all these ashes that we can support. We do that by feeling what there is to feel in each of us. Any and all personal remorse, fear of repercussion, all of it. These are the same things that the Demiurge will be faced with feeling, and he will be able to tell if we are genuine in our conviction. We are essentially inviting him to feel, and then to offer to hold space for those feelings.

Raphael: That really expands out this surface reticence to connect with the Demiurge, Merlin, and Metatron. Thank you. It speaks to our personal responsibility for the creation of the Demiurge, that we need to feel if we are to be any part of his un-creation, and re-creation. We’ve covered a lot of territory in our approach over these days together, but today gets to a deeper bedrock of what we are being invited to feel. And to look at that, lying there just below our hesitation to continue.

Does anyone else have any feelings to share here?

Sophia: I’d like to say, Raphael, to all of us, that all of what we are feeling today can so be held in the Mother’s heart. There’s no remorse too deep for Her to feel, no regret that can’t be felt and moved through with Her help. This is the time of the great rebirth, and we are being offered a place in it, simply by being willing to feel, willing to need love, willing to self-forgive, as we offer that same forgiveness to hearts willing to find their own forgiveness.

Raphael: Yes, thank you. Anyone else?

No? Okay then. Feels like you had the last word on that then, Sophia, which is perfect. Demiurge meets the Divine Mother, pretty much sums up what we’d like to support happening.

I’m feeling to shift next day to making our first attempt at direct connection with the Demiurge. We’ve got some things to feel from today. Let’s take those to heart as we seek guidance about how to approach this next step.

Rest up, everyone. We have some serious journaling to the Demiurge to begin.

Raphael Awen is co-creator, teacher, and facilitator of the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life. Check out our programs: FREE, PREP and DEEP, for a new and profound going-on place in your spiritual and emotional journey at

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Could It Be That The Divine Is Bored And Lonely Too?

By Raphael Awen

What if the Divine is actually capable of boredom and loneliness?

The question itself is so far off our radar, that we’ve been incapable of asking it. We’ve been so trained to see God, or the Divine, as a projected perfection that contains only the things we desire and void of all the things we don’t desire.

Take the Christian view of Jesus as the Son of God portrayed in the text ‘In Him was light and no darkness at all’. Here is Jesus as the personification of the polarity of all that is good, right, holy, etc. The idea and feeling-toned-world we are sold with that is that ‘light and dark are at odds with each other, but thank God, we found the light and the light is stronger than the dark, so let’s hitch our wagon to the light and, fingers crossed, we should come out okay, if all goes as planned and promised. Be sure and keep the faith, now, brother’.

Really? Is that the best we could come up with?

So then, a Divine, or a God that is capable of boredom or loneliness definitely doesn’t fit the picture we hold of God. Hell, we’re so busy trying to escape our boredom and loneliness, why would we extol a God who suffers with the very thing we’re trying to escape? We want a God who can fix things, not one to commiserate with, right? It’s like, why would anyone want to hire a depressed life coach?

Or do we?

What if you are already as fixed as fixed can be, on a higher level, and the conscious you who’s living your ‘you’ life on the everyday level is just busy waking up to this fact? What if all the wounding and trauma you endured is all about your own personal and cosmic laboratory and factory of discovering the deeper bliss you already are?

And then if you at root are already this fullness of love, it would make sense that you wished to test this fullness in the trenches of what isn’t this love, or the farthest flung not-love deal you could come up with.

Honey is a great thing with a scoop or two in your drink, but when it is all there is, then you want to escape it. It bores you. You long for and become lonely for an ‘other’ to remove you from your ‘oneliness’ problem. You seek ‘twoliness’. Godhood is inherently lonely and boring, left without duality, and story, and other.

So what if then, what you and I have branded the negative is all contained in a larger container of the positive, and this positive just needed an ever expanding playground to come to know itself, and the way it is doing that is through you and me?

This then means something like you and I, along with all the rest of us ARE God, in the laboratory and factory of coming to terms with this love allness that contains the all.

God isn’t interested in basking in bliss, thank God. God wanted and needed polarity and duality and drama. You came here for a ‘dual enlightenment’, not a non-dual one.

If this is true for you, as it is for me, then it leads us to explore and get to know the parts of us who have suffered in loneliness and boredom. Loneliness and boredom are the two biggest game changers in my life that have pretty much forced my life changes every single time. This is a burden to bear, a load, a suffering, if you will, that we are called to bear. The point in all this is to mitigate this suffering so that you are not suffering over this suffering. It’s one thing to bear loneliness and boredom, it’s another to allow it to live on in you, unchecked, unaddressed, unfelt, unrelated to.

First, we need to recognize where we are, and what we’ve been tasked with. Then we need to embrace the light of the fact that we are light and dark, and both are equally sacred. Then we need to get to know and love these parts of us who have suffered greatly and are in need of this dawning-light-of-day emancipation into our arising heart space.

That should keep us busy for a good bit, huh?  Let’s do that till we tire of it, and then we can see what’s next!

Raphael Awen is co-creator, teacher, and facilitator of the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life. Visit for more information about Weekly Sessions, Live Streams, Videos, and Community.

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Day 10 ~ Journal To The Demiurge

Journal To The Demiurge with Raphael Awen

By Raphael Awen

(This is Day 10 of an ongoing series, to begin at day 1, go here:

In Day Ten, I open out an exciting budding connection with Metasoul Brother, King Arthur of Camelot, into our journey at hand. Join with this growing posse of hearts as we form an ambassadorship delegation to meet with the Demiurge.

Thank you for tracking this series. We’re off to see the Demiurge, the Christian God, Yahweh, or Jehovah, to see and feel what we are ready to see and feel together…

Here is Day 10:
Raphael: Okay, ready to rumble, everyone? Let’s roll. I’m feeling like a rockstar! A star in my own universe!

I’ve had some bigger connections with Arthur yesterday, outside of our dialogue here in this Journal together. King Arthur is a beloved Metasoul Brother, and I have both been waiting patiently, as well as with some trepidation, for a deeper connection to arise between us. Well, it arose in a big way and he has agreed to share here, at my request. So, I feel, with no further ado, to ask you to share. Arthur?…

Arthur: Raphael, and also to this great company of hearts and soul. I thank each one of you for allowing me space on this journey with you. I feel so deeply, deeply, honored. I feel a little awkward, however, having the opportunity to share here prior to Animalea sharing. Raphael, you have referred to her, and to what was an all-male circle before she was acknowledged and invited in. This deeply stirred another awakening for me, that our round table in Camelot, as treasured as it was; one of the reasons it came to an end, was the absence of women in our circle. There was a way that each of us as men, were still afraid of our own inner feminine and this was reflected in our no-girls-allowed, boys-only club. So, I’d like to say that I will gladly be delivered my own nervousness of speaking here in this moment and instead be given to hearing from you, Animalea, if you would so relieve me?

Raphael: Animalea?

Animalea: Ahh, King Arthur, I am just settling into hearing from you, and my heart is stirred already by your words. I shall be more ready to share here once I have heard your heart speak.

Raphael: Looks like it’s back to you then, King Arthur.

Arthur: Okay, then, and yes, I shall look very forward to hearing from you also, Animalea.

This is what I felt through to share with you all today. I have been a King, though, recently, this came to mean almost nothing to me. It felt like more of a curse than a blessing. I found myself in great despair with Camelot in ruins and our round table circle of men, that is legendary in your timeline, is but a heartache in mine.  Dispersed to the four winds and seemingly gone forever; until Raphael and Rhodes reached out and began bridging to me. Living with the remains of so much gained and then lost was more than my heart could bear. I closed myself down to my own multidimensionality, trying to minimize my pain, so it took some doing to bring me to this place of being able to be here with you all.

Raphael’s story this life and choice points of actually leaving Christianity, after being so fully in it, is what I was not able to inhabit. This was also a big part of the downfall of Camelot, and my very much beloved circle of brave hearted men. I was always plagued with having one foot in Christianity, and the other foot out of it at the same time. Raphael has helped me to heal my own judgment of myself for allowing this to persist. Hearing Raphael’s story, being taken in so deeply here in this circle, has penetrated my aching and sleeping heart, and renewed a dream in me that lies yet unfulfilled.

Feeling Raphael’s heart, I can feel what might be described as a radar technology that still lives in this circle, that could never be destroyed, that yet connects us, and even invites us out of our despair, as it has me so recently. I honour your preservation and desire of these bonds, Raphael, and acknowledge what you described with your former friend, Rene, as well as with your sacred friendship with Gabriel in your present timeline. I also honor, Raphael, your sacred journey with Mar-yam, as it holds so much reflection and digestion of my relationship with Guinevere. As Raphael and I discussed, something needed to die in order for something larger to be reborn. That something larger is a greater mystery than the former one, and I feel like I still haven’t solved the former one, but I shall be happy now to continue the quest. Everything in its time feels like good medicine for the moment. It just feels so good to have this connection with you all. Again, thank you for your pursuit, Raphael. Thank you, Rhodes, for your holding of the space for this access to all of you. Thank you to this great company. I especially honour this intention at hand. I know that I have things to resolve inwardly and outwardly with the Demiurge as well. I best pause here. I’ve spoken so much more than I thought I was ready to.

Raphael: Wowwww. Get used to the new normal I guess! Now, you know why I’m feeling like a rockstar. Thank you so much, Arthur. Your presence and heart energy comes as a long awaited boost to the energy field here. Thank you for every one of your acknowledgments.

I feel to share a bit as well about our connection that unfolded, so recently. Since the first time I saw and read depictions about the ‘Arthurian Legend’, it always struck a deep chord in me. More recently, I could feel that Arthur was a Metasoul Brother. Letting go of the trap of trying to claim that I was him in a past life and instead simply getting on with the undeniable resonance between us is what the Metasoul picture offers. I began to consciously welcome Arthur into my awareness as I felt each of us calibrating to each other, though there wasn’t conscious communication between us at first. Later came more desire to continue to open up the access points between us. Rhodes, as my Gatekeeper, played a key role in this as he and I felt the risk and desire points together that reconnecting with Arthur would bring us in this timeline.

Such a big one for me is the passion for connection with heart open and passionate men. Arthur, I feel, holds a strong energetic, like he said, a radar, maybe you could even call it a ‘bromance energy’, where men leave their lives as they know them to be a part of something they can’t stay away from. In this way, he and I could simply no longer remain apart, and needed to again bridge our timelines to see where that would take us.

It was only yesterday that I felt a big piece of the breakthrough with Arthur, that Rhodes and I felt ready to let in. A normal afternoon was punctuated by a surprisingly large internal sudden change in the weather. I felt like crap at first, but knew this wasn’t directly mine. I knew it was time to check in directly with Arthur. The access with him was now easy and ripe, and I found him in deep despair, as he said. Our connection immediately brought an awareness, that we discussed and felt together, how the Camelot timeline actually didn’t fail at all, but actually succeeded in all that it was meant to and in all that it could in that time. It was meant to be a powerful seed that falls into the ground and dies, and comes back to life, to bring forth much fruit.

Arthur and I also digested the personal pieces together about the absence of women in the round table. We felt together how this was something that had to be, given the circumstances of his timeline. We also felt how we are actually able to carve out a new timeline now, on his end as well as mine, by leveraging each others’ timelines, all the way into ours here in this circle.

One last final piece we digested together was how the oath of the round table was doomed to eventually come to an end, rooted as it was in moral code, duty, and obligation. Duty and obligation served us for a time to take us to this time that is upon us now, a time led by our deepest and most sacred desires. Arthur and I agreed that we would feel into and write a new sacred oath for the reemergence of the round table that is in alignment with what is true now.

I may look calm on the outside, but I’m jumping up and down on the inside.

Rhodes, a huge thank you for this! Merlin, thank you for the magic spell that opens these portals. Andy, thank you for keeping it fun. Animalea, whom I trust will be talking to us very soon, thank you for the sacred feminine keys to find our way back to the always unfolding alive masculine.

Metatron, I feel to ask you to close out today, if you will. What’s stirring in you?

Metatron: Thank you, Raphael. Thank you, Arthur. There’s a whole lot of gratitude flowing today, and it feels so right, given what we are being given.

I need to pause a moment to see what I shall say. Sometimes the moment needs few words, or even none at all.

I do feel to backlight what is happening here with these words, if you will bear with me. What is happening here today is a taking responsibility for the multidimensionality that we each have; accepting and acknowledging it. Then we are moving beyond that acknowledgement to feel what it is that we are doing with that multidimensionality. Being in a higher frequency, does not mean it is automatically a more benevolent frequency. Many times, we find that the higher dimensions are as equally stuck in unresolved conflict as they are in your more familiar 3D. Hearts and souls at all dimensional frequencies are in need of awakening to The All that love is.

The Demiurge himself is a higher vibrational being. We could not gain access to him without opening out our multidimensionality. Beyond that, however, we need to open our hearts to the love ambassadorship that wants to flow from us, if we desire to be a channel of real change. This doesn’t mean trying to have exchange without boundaries, as if in some misapplied idea of unconditional love. We are feeling through what our conditions are, and how we can face the Demiurge, while respecting the law of free will that exists for every piece of consciousness in the multiverse. Each piece of consciousness is a piece of love returning to love, in an expanded way from what it was at the outset of its journey. The Demiurge itself is one such piece of consciousness that is all contained by love. Accepting this, we are then invited into where our own power lies; into our own choice points; into the power of own free will. It all begins and ends with us.

This is what I feel rumbling inside of Arthur, and my god, what a rumble. It’s time a real kingdom of real power arose in men’s hearts, not ‘power over’, but ‘power with’.

Any more words than that, Raphael, would miss the mark I fear.

Raphael: Okay, I’m going to pause it here then and let all this digest. This party is getting started in here. Stay tuned all.

Raphael Awen is co-creator, teacher, and facilitator of the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life. Visit for more information about Weekly Sessions, Live Streams, Videos, and Community.

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Day 5 ~ Journal To The Demiurge

Journal To The Demiurge w Raphael Awen

By Raphael Awen

(This is Day 5 of an ongoing series, to begin at day 1, go here:

Raphael: Good Morning All. I am feeling the rising excitement of this journey again. It felt so good to time-travel to the early pieces of my life story, feeling how my allegiance to the Demiurge formed and took hold, and feeling all of you feel me, in that.

It also felt good to take yesterday off being Christmas to breathe, to feel and to let in love. Last days journal took over 5 hours just to write, and feel as we went, and to post. I’m feeling an expanded sense of the epicness, if I could call it that, of where this could go, and where it wants to go. I also want very much to feel all there is to feel as we go, and to have fun doing it. If there’s one thing I feel now about hanging around in the past, I feel we should at least rearrange the furniture while we’re spending time there. And the furniture I’d rearrange would be the furnishing of my own heart with more space to feel myself and all my parts courageously doing life, being with life, seeking love. I get to do some more of that today.

There’s a way that even going through hell can be rewarding if we’re willing to feel all there is to feel, feel our why’s, our wants and especially our frustrations. They are all huge signposts. I’ve decided that if it ain’t fun, in this sense of being rewarding, I want nothing to do with it. In my book, it’s now a big Demiurge delusion that life is supposed to be hard, or boring, or aimless. The other thing I’m into is adventure, always have been really, and this journey is looking like about as big a piece as any.

Metatron: Good Morning Raphael. Good morning All, in the fullest sense of the Allness. Rhodes, Merlin, Jim, yes, you too Jim, we’re going to need help from the other side in due time, and Good Morning to this growing posse of hearts, following this, reading this, feeling this. You are the incubation of the epic something that Raphael is speaking to as you let this story weave into the feeling tones of your own story. Let it engender within you the waves of desire and the awakening of each and everyone of your astounding uniqueness and value. This is a seed, and like any seed, it has an infinite number of seeds within it. We’re not about the finite number of seeds contained in an apple. We’re about the in-finite number of apples contained in a seed.

Raphael: I love how you can raise the frequency about 67 notches in 30 seconds or less, Metatron. Wow.

Metatron: You have us on a good frequency as well, please keep going. I just had some juice to let flow through.

Raphael: I so know I wouldn’t have the go for this journey were it not for your energy and guidance, and it’s feeling sooo good again today, thank you.

Before, I go back to my story, Metatron, can you tell me about what the Demiurge is up to with this intention? Do you know if he knows what we’re attempting?

Metatron: Funny you should ask that, I got confirmation just today that he is up to speed on every word. Consider yourself and ourselves engaged to be engaged. And, it feels like he could, and we could use some time to get acquainted further, from a distance, I mean, so take all the time you need to process it all as we go. Your story telling feels important. We have all of time itself to get this right, and it’s urgently what the entire universe is waiting for, both are true at the same time.

Raphael: Okay, no pressure or anything? My…, you have a way with words.

Metatron: In the beginning was the word…

Raphael: And the word was with God and the word was God…

Metatron: And dangit if the Demiurge didn’t see an opportunity to fill in the blank while we waited to come up to speed with this truth and with our own godhood, Raphael.

Raphael: And I’ll bet he isn’t having the best time of it about now? His threats of hell have only tied him to being a jail keeper – not much fun at the best of times, right? I can’t imagine him having any fun, if it ever was fun being him.

Metatron: It’s complicated though, Raphael. On one hand, we created him from our own subconscious, and we commissioned and authorized him to be the monster we made him, and on the other hand, he doesn’t know anything different and is afraid to let go. He is inextricably linked with us till we undo our own creation.

Raphael: Could we say ‘In the ‘re’-beginning was the word’?

Metatron: We’re being invited to feel that with this Journal, with every word, every logos, that we utter; to feel it as being divine reason re-beginning a new world order internally that seeds into the collective…

Raphael: Feeling that pauses my story for a bit…

Metatron: Feeling that actually helps tell your story, Raphael. Go on and we’ll figure where it intertwines as we go…

Raphael: Okay, as I said, I’m getting a big gift from telling this story, and I can feel parts of me buckle in. They were all there, but we never got the space to feel it like we are now, on these levels.

Where was I?

Merlin: You was just getting settled with Mar-yam in the new chandelier swinging church.

Raphael: Thank you Merlin, good feeling your magical presence here. Get this, yesterday, Gabriel gave us a Christmas card depiction of you soaring through the Cosmos, Metatron as a combination of a cosmic cowboy and a skinny Santa Claus, And even Andy riding bareback too, all heading for audience with the Demiurge. I’ll share it in this post today. It’s totally rad, as they say in California. It captures the energy so awesomely.

So, yes, I was on a fairly new track. 21 years old, married, and so hungry to serve God, to make a difference for God, and as I said, a little less consciously, also hungry to escape boredom while I was at it.

After our first year of marriage, and working at pay-the-bills kinds of jobs, Mar-yam confronted me after work one fall Friday as a long weekend was approaching, with the crazy idea of visiting friends 2 provinces away to check into joining in with a mission project they were involved with. We actually left, 6 hours later, after a phone call, and me getting the incredulous look off my face. We knew we were in danger of settling for the norm if we kept this pattern running. We decided it was for us, came home, squared away, gave away, sold off, and loaded up and were back there in 6 weeks.

We shared this uncanny ability to jump ship when the guidance came, but she was usually the one to help me break the spell of whatever the current pattern was, given a part of me’s attachment to familiarity.

Over the years, our desire to get into the cherished ‘full time ministry’ never quite materialized. After a year away in the neighboring province, we returned home where I began finding jobs as a self employed painter with a whole bunch of my innate desires and passions funneling into building that while serving God, or, in order to serve God, as we framed it.

We self funded our way to regular short term mission trips, a few early ones to Mexico with a small, but exciting mission in Tijuana headed by other friends we were close to; One to Hong Kong with the founders of our church, and several to different places and projects in the Philippines that continued over our two decades together. We were Bible School grads, fancied ourselves teachers, and in the groups our church was a part of overseas, the locals were more than happy to let us take the pulpit, with our white skin and all.

We dreamt of our first child, and she ended up coming along for the ride in utero for our first trip overseas. Family; extended family; missionary travel; what was now referred to as a ‘business’ complete with employees; and even building our own home, were all a part of the picture by the time our second daughter came along 6 years in.

As these realities matured and as the desires ebbed and flowed through our lives, something was brewing in my soul though that was very undeniable, but equally being efforted to keep concealed and suppressed at the same time by parts of me. It was hard to put my finger on. During Bible School, a guest prophetic minister had prophesied publicly over me personally during a laying-on-of-hands service one day something to the effect of ‘don’t fight against the establishment’. Though I didn’t have a file for his words that day, they would come back to haunt me in due time.

I was looked up to by our church circle, as well as in each of our families. We both had leadership and budding teaching positions in the church, leading home groups, participating in services. I loved my daughters as much as life itself. Mar-yam and I only had eyes for each other, and settled deeply into being married for life.

In our 10th year together, I watched with a lot of discomfort as the inner core leadership circle of our church went through choosing sides in a personality conflict battle that was enough to blow up our little haven, this side of heaven. Having a conflict of that nature or of that magnitude wasn’t what got underneath my skin, but rather the active suppression of any ability of the men in the leadership circle to face the issue. It was all a default pattern of saving face and a pretense to hold things together for the next Sunday morning, under the guise of ‘preserving God’s house’. I was pretty convinced God wasn’t in as bad of shape as they made him out to be. This proved to be a deeply etched unwavering pattern that came up repeatedly to simply ignore a given reality in the name of not disturbing the sheep. The more I witnessed them, the more I felt at a deep loss combined with a frustration.

One day at early morning men’s prayer circle, we were joining hands praying loudly in tongues (‘motor-mouthing’ as a part of me would later come to call it), calling God into the scenes of our self created chaos, and I felt so pretzeled about asserting that maybe we should be facing the relational issues between us instead of, or at least, along with all of this passionate prayer. When we broke that day, I called Charlie, a fellow elder aside, and told him gently what I felt. He let me finish, paused for effect, looked me straight in the eye and said, quoting Jesus no less, ‘Are you for us or against us?’ Then he turned and walked away.

The moment of my truth finally came for me when I spoke to the men at our weekly Tuesday night elders meeting. I gathered my courage, opened my mouth and said to the 4 others present, ‘Guys, we’re all in a ditch, but I’m one step ahead of you. I’m willing to admit that and you’re not’. They looked at me kind of funny before the pastor did one of his usual lighten up the moment kind of comments.

My resignation letter followed a few days letter. I never did get my status of ‘Elder In Training’ upgraded to ‘Elder’ as the Pastor, a man near my young age, could sense in me the lacking loyalty, that it seemed that not even I was as in touch with.

The growing disparity between the ‘power of God’ that we all adhered to and championed compared with the growing powerlessness we practiced in our relationships with one another was leading me to feel deeper into the relational disparity inside of my own heart. Part of me tried hard to cover it over with new bigger and better projects or clients in my business. Money seemed to keep growing as a result, which often led Mar-yam and I to consider another mission trip.

Around that same time, just prior to this fallout, we decided to take our young family to the Philippines for a little longer trip of up to 6 months to join some close friends on an exciting mission that our church was recently all into. We were being asked to verify and solidify the relationship with the local pastor there and his congregation in hopes of becoming more involved, with more people and more money. The pastor there was reputed to be the ‘former second in command of the communist party’ in the Philippines and was now a genuine, born-again powerhouse for God. The fanfare of it all didn’t thrill me as much as the excuse to see if we could somehow get deeper into what our hearts really found exciting, as well as escape the growing relational problems in our home church. Maybe a brand new infusion of purpose and focus would sort out both me and the church.

It was amazing to watch the needed money come in through the business in time to match the intention, as usual, with a short notice. It was also a good experience to create some space around my tendency for a one track focus in my work life. Within 2 months of planning, we had our airfares for four and money together, an employee to keep the business alive, and 2 close friends to drive us the 3 hours to the Seattle airport.

Something very unusual happened in the airport that day just prior to boarding, and as I’m liking the vibe of storytelling, and you all listening so sweetly, I think I’ll just plow on into that story if that’s okay? This is a lot, how’s it all landing in the moment, Merlin?

Merlin: You got me spellbound, Raphael. What a planet you lived on! I say, rock on.

Raphael: Are these church and God frequencies a bit dense to take in?

Merlin: They would be if they weren’t coming from you, Raphael, but with your heart that’s found a way through it all, I’m liking feeling what it really felt and looked like to be inside,… even to be not consciously wanting or looking for a way out…. Wow.

Raphael: Okay, good, I’ll go with that then, Merlin. Thank you. Serving the Demiurge really is a captivating experience, pun intended or not, take your pick, where we chose it, because on so many levels, we felt we were in the coolest deal on the planet and the only one that had any real meaning for that matter. If 90 some percent of the whole world was going to hell without a personal relationship with Jesus as their savior, then what could compare to addressing that need? I had no clue then about the ocean of unfelt emotional need, and unworth I was still very much carrying around, as I felt God had taken care of that for me when coming out of my teens in exchange for giving my life over to him. Truth is, more money, another mission trip, more status in the church, none of it was able to completely cover over the hemorrhage of what my heart was bleeding into my space.

So, back to the airport in Seattle that day. We’ve said goodbye to our friends and gotten checked in and are waiting the last hour or so at the gate and already, it’s been a long day, with a 16 hour flight still to come including a pit stop in Tokyo, en route to Manila. The boarding gate was filled with a mixture of Filipino and Asian families waiting to board the sold out flight.

Our daughters aged 3 and 5 took to playing a bit with the Filipino children in front of us which felt cute to witness as I again acclimated to my fondness for the Filipino people. It had been 6 years since our first trip there.

A Filipino man was seated next to me in the crowded space, and when the boarding call was made, and as we rustled from our waiting slumber, I acknowledged him for the first time as our children and his had already made a connection.

I asked him where he was heading to in the Philippines, after landing in the capital. He explained that he was just there getting his mother and his children onto the flight. He asked me the same question in return and I told him the name of the province we were headed to, to do some missions work, having recently memorized it, ‘Ilocos Sur’, another 9 hours by bus to the north in this country of 81 provinces, over 7,200 islands, and a population well over double the size of my Canada.

He smiled and said, ‘oh, that’s the province my mom is from, but now she lives in the capital’. I was warming up to the familiar Filipino sounding English that he spoke that I actually missed, and was soon to get a whole bunch more of. 

Naturally, his next question was, ‘What city or town are you going to?’ I was glad again, that I had remembered a bit from my discussions with friends, as we had never before been in the North of the country before, and told him ‘Santa Maria’. His smile grew larger as he said,‘Santa Maria!, that is my mom’s hometown.’ We both took a minute feeling the incredulity of all this mixed in with keeping an ear out for the sequenced boarding calls, an eye on the children, with our boarding passes and passports in hands.

He then said, ‘who are you going to see there?’ Again, I recalled the name as well as the correct pronunciation of the Pastor of the tiny independent church we were going to be working with there, having never met him, but we had spoke to him on the phone a week or so prior. I was sure this was going to end the list of coincidences now stacking up. I told him the name, ‘Marben Magmay’, the first name being easy to remember as it was the Filipino equivalent to my first name at the time of Marvin. His jaw dropped again, and he said with yet another big friendly Filipino smile, ‘I know Marben, I need to get a message to Marben’s brother actually, will you be the one to take it to Marben for me?’

My head was sure spinning about this time as I’m looking at my wife taking this all in as the man found pen and paper and wrote out a short note in the northern dialect, and handed it to me. I recall being a bit too stunned to ask what the message was about and of course, I couldn’t read the local dialect. About then, we said our goodbyes as he needed to get his elderly mom boarded. I learned we had another 10 minutes or so before our row was going to board, so I got up to walk a few paces to try and digest all this.

I took a few minutes to digest what felt like an energy rush through me. There was a lot of prep, money and energy to get this trip to happen, and so far, there hadn’t been anything overtly that could be seen as a ‘big miracle confirmation’ that God, or the Holy Spirit was ‘supernaturally’ leading this journey, other than what we called the ‘still small voice’ inside along with the extra money manifesting naturally with some focus and intention. This coincidence just then was more the kinds of ‘miracles’ that were the coveted stock-in-trade of our ‘full gospel, spirit-filled, word of faith’ type churches we were a part of. We all longed to have personal testimonies like these to share (or brag about) in church. All I was able to make of it all as I stretched my legs prior to boarding, was that God was tipping his hand of favor and blessing, saying a warm and personal ‘hello’, as I couldn’t see any direct significance to the message itself, now sitting in my front shirt pocket that I had agreed to be the postman for. It looked like something as simple and mundane as little more than ‘call me’ along with a phone number as I recall it. How cooler still would it have been if it was really tied to something world changing? Nonetheless, it went in as a deep personal validation, from God, no less.

This so gets to the heart of what the part of me, who was me at the time, wanted from God, a personal validation, the ‘well done, my good and faithful Servant’ kind of heartfelt validation. I had gone from knowing I would end up in hell if I died at 17 to knowing I was now in good with God, and I wanted to let the world know. I was feeling pretty high, as I couldn’t see how else God could be more outspoken. ‘God’ was sending us on this trip.

Mar-yam and I digested the conversation a couple more times as the flight got underway, beginning our way to our first stop in Tokyo, before continuing onto Manila, letting it color our hearts as a very unique personal blessing from God. I loved feeling all this from 35,000 feet.

The story doesn’t end there though, as far as airport coincidences go. Something almost as magical occurred all over again on the next leg of the trip.

But I’m feeling to let some water under the bridge and take this up again next day. Everything in its own time.

Metatron: Wow, Raphael. I’m so feeling the ache for the acknowledgement of God you spoke to, going from the fear of hell to the bliss of heaven, Wow.

Raphael: Oh, yes, there was nothing greater in my books.

Before I jumped ship from the family church to this one, the real reason I did was because their God wasn’t a boring traditional rule maker, but an exciting one that interacted supernaturally in people’s lives, and gave out this kind of personal validation. I ached to feel God approve of me, or I should say, a part of me ached for God’s approval. There was nothing else that mattered. If I could pursue that, and qualify for that, along with a happy family and children at the same time, that was thee deal.

Metatron: ‘Qualify for…..?’

Raphael: Afraid so. We were all so firmly entrenched in a ‘love in return for obedience’ picture, that it would be yet a few more years before I would begin to get under the edges of that, but eventually, more dramas and events later, just that began to awaken in me.

Metatron: I’m gonna pause to take in here and let whomever would like to respond to share.

Raphael: before we pause for today…

Jim: Wow, I’ve got something to feel in all this, but I need to feel some more around it all and maybe share next day.

Raphael: Thanks Jim, or Dad, as Marvin knew you. I’d like to feel what’s brewing for you.

Andy: I like the 35,000 feet part! That’s where the Demiurge doesn’t have any of his sad stuff happening and that’s where I began to learn to fly, and where I still do. Wayne and I have been taking daily spins in our Merkabah all over the place from Golden Earth and back!

Raphael: Yea, Andy, my beautiful Starbeing Self, who once was Marvin, who once was my inner child, now gone galactic, riding the rays with Wayne, who led my life for 8 years more recently, on this other side of knowing the Demiurge.

Did you see you in Gabriel’s artwork riding right behind Metatron, on Merlin?

Andy: It’s like thee best! Thank you Gabriel. If you never hear from me again, it’s only because I got lost in all the dimensions.

Raphael: I don’t like that idea…

Andy: Okay, I’ll try to remember how to get back from all the places I have on my list to see and travel to, but I can’t promise, you may have to come and find me…

Raphael: Okay, that’s a deal. I want to see all them places too!

So, All, Let’s take a pause here again, but not before I again say thank you to the Gathering Posse Of Hearts. If this story is resonating in your heart, then that resonance and your willingness to feel it is creating a quantum something that accesses this realm and makes for a grander result for all of us. The handful of us in this direct story can do something pretty wild for sure, but with you, riding with us and in our hearts together, we can do something so out of this world, that it will take generations for this new arising story to be told, and tolled.
Raphael Awen is co-creator, teacher, and facilitator of the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life. Visit for more information about Weekly Sessions, Live Streams, Videos, and Community.

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Day 4 ~ Journal To The Demiurge

Journal To The Demiurge with Raphael Awen Day 4

By Raphael Awen

(This is Day 4 of an ongoing series, to begin at day 1, go here:

Raphael: Top of the morning crew! Beautiful Motley Crew! It’s 4:44 am on December 24, and I’m feeling good to go again, running on some new high octane adrenaline. How is everyone else doing?, who wants to check in?

Rhodes: Hello Everyone. This is Rhodes. I’m liking the recap yesterday, Raphael, that you started in on of your earliest journey into the whole God awareness thing, which was also my earliest journey this life of awakening. I’m hoping you’ll continue on those stories. I know I was there for all of that, but there is a way, I never felt any of that then. I just was that. What I’m feeling now is the comparison of one on hand, the backdrop of our desires to go to new and expanded places of consciousness that we can’t even quite name or fathom yet, though it’s fun to try for sure, compared with this tension of feeling the past, and overlaying it onto the future, side by side in the Now, and somehow that opens a portal, an entry portal. And until we feel the so called past, then we aren’t done with it. The whole point of the past was the feeling of it, so if we haven’t felt it, we’re not done with it, or it isn’t done with us, and is very much in the Now. That’s what I’m feeling.

Merlin: Rhodes, you’ve been totally holding out on us. That is some really cool shit. The drama of our stories are a storehouse of magic that we’ve collectively been afraid of up till now. The magic contained in our stories gets activated the more we are willing to feel it, but most fear the unknown of their own magic and where it wants to take them. I’m dying to have some fun, and this challenge before us of attempting to connect with the Demiurge feels as exciting as it gets. I do get the need to feel the past, to dial it into the present, to let the past time-travel into the Now, where there is a curious heart for it to land in that wasn’t there before. Hell, take me for instance, I didn’t even know I existed up until recently, till Raphael was willing to realize my reality, bridge me into his dimension, so I could feel my own dimension and then bridge between the two.

Raphael: My goodness, I have to like pause for minutes after one of you speaks to let in the bandwidth of the frequencies you are vibrating at, and even then, I’m hesitant to break the spell. How cool that is! It adds to the adrenaline I’ve been on the past few days adjusting to these new frequencies, since all this started and it is really exciting. Metatron, I have to ask your input before I go back to my journey…

Metatron: I’m luvin’ it. I’m loving the feeling and healing space here. I know all of us have questions about how we are going to gain audience with the Demiurge, and then wondering what his demeanor towards us will be, if and when we do gain audience, and I’m feeling in all of that, a ‘not-knowing our way to knowing’. It’s so freeing to admit our cluelessness and just want what we want. I’ve learned that from watching you actually, Raphael, over and over again, and I never get tired of the lesson. It always comes out in the wash.

Raphael: Morning love fest! Thank you. I’ll take that, with room for more. Yumm.

I’m feeling to ask if there’s any trepidation in the room about us talking so freely about the Demiurge. I mean yesterday, who was it, Jim, right, went off about the Bible being horseshit, and then it went a bit downhill from there…even got Merlin swearing…

Rhodes: I’ll take the bait on that one if I may again. I’m still taking in and remembering what you said Metatron from day one that everything, and everyone, and every last stitch of consciousness, gets its lease from love to have existence. That I feel includes the Demiurge, though it’s taken me a while to get there. If that’s true, that even he’s made of love, then he’s just what we see as a strange pretzeled version of love somehow, that we haven’t figured out yet. I’ll bet, we look kind of strange to him too for that matter, so if he needs to make jokes about us, to himself and his cohorts, like we are about him, then I say that’s all good. I just don’t feel like he’s some big boogeyman that has the power to cave the roof in on our heads for talking freely.

Okay, that was a bit spacious, because not all of me is liking him by any means. He’s fucked over humanity for a long time and that shit needs to stop. Sorry, I just can’t use pretty language to talk about the pain. I still feel a lot of anger for sure about the journey it’s taken to come to this place of a bit of space around my anger.

Raphael: Wow, Rhodes, you nailed a bunch right there. That answered the tension really well, and opens it out too. Thank you.

So, with that then, I think I’ll pick up for a bit from where I left off. This story telling to an interested and curious audience, in all of your ears and in the ears of the Demiurge itself, is moving something in me.

Let’s see, where was I before Jim took over yesterday with his Holy Horseshit Bible comparisons?

Merlin: You were leaving the family church for the chandelier swinging one.

Raphael: Yes, thank you. So I get myself settled into this new church and Bible School, riding my bicycle across town each morning. About 6 or 7 Months later, one bright soul and beautiful woman in the church (whom I’ll call Mar-yam as that name seems to fit her soul) and I get together over some volunteer mission efforts doing graphics in the church office and we hit the ground running. I’m a bit surprised, but it so answers a palpable loneliness that a part of me was consciously wrestling with. Our first date feels great over some higher end pizza. We talk openly and get ourselves squared away on the no-sex thing, even to the point of theorizing together that kissing is a form of sex and that its rightful ‘god ordained’ place is in the context of engagement, as in engaged to be married. I admit, I came up with that one.

So, what we dredged up was that dating is the rightful context for the spirit to come together; engagement is the place for the souls to come together; and marriage is the place for the bodies to come together. We took the whole ‘no sex before marriage’ thing to way overblown proportions that no one was pushing on us. Looking back, it’s so apparent that the one place the parts of us were resonating around was a big discomfort in our sexuality, again, pawning it off as ‘dedication to God’ for safekeeping.

I mentioned yesterday the earlier 11 month relationship from my previous church setting where the bliss so suddenly ended, that was a year or so prior to this one now emerging with Mar-yam. I see now that the undigested pain of not being able to grieve the loss of that earlier bliss, made a part of me feel I had disappointed or displeased God somehow. Her name was Cheryl, and Cheryl and I had kissed like there was no tomorrow, and we must have gotten outside of ‘Gods Order’ somehow, or it wouldn’t have ended so painfully. I so wanted this new relationship to have God’s blessing, as part of me felt there was no room to go through another loss on this level, ever. No room for any more trial and error. Why suffer in error when you can have God’s truth instead?

We had each of our wired-up woundings resonating like two tuning forks that so played into each others dynamics, but also our leading edge desires and dreams were also resonating for sure. An easy closeness and trust unfolded inside of these extra-safe self-imposed boundaries we charted out together. Maryam confided her pain early on around intense sexual abuse by her dad, and a wandering into some sexual promiscuity as a result that preceded her reach out to God.

We shared a big excitement to make our lives ‘really count for God’. Maryam had also recently abandoned an attempt at joining a catholic convent in line with her families church background, and so we both felt excited about being in this new, very different, cutting edge church and bible school that was so set to really go places and achieve big things for God. Maryam was also the church secretary and led aspects of the church services and was a personal friend of the Pastors to boot. We wanted more than anything to serve as teachers and leaders in an adventurous foreign missionary kind of setting, with our new church’s brand of excitement and passion.  ‘Please, God, anything but aimless western living and its values and boredom’.

I’ve since been able to feel several parts of me, and parts of my Metasoul too, who were activated at this time in my life with all the new beginnings. Part of me privately fancied itself more than anything being a great preacher, able to cast spells, of the godly variety, over audiences. I had also completely abandoned before entering bible school, a tech school trajectory where I was fixing to get a technicians certificate for drafting or surveying, to upgrade the kind of work I was doing. God, and the world didn’t need another draftsman. It needed a preacher with the truth! My employer must have agreed, because when things slowed down slightly, I was let go shortly after being talked to for distributing religious ‘tracts’ in the office.

With all those juices flowing right along between Maryam and I, along with the ‘no kissing while dating’ rule, it was only a month before we kissed, and so we both agreed that we were now engaged. We crossed over the line we set for ourselves. She was 24, and I was 21, and we were married after a 5 month engagement with lots of sanctioned kissing. It was a long road to my inner teenager finally getting laid, and to ‘giving my virginity to God’, and to my wife, but it felt great, it felt so right, and with God’s guarantee and blessing to boot! We never looked back, for a long time, until we did, some 20 years later.


Metatron: What are you feeling, Raphael?

Raphael: yeah…. feel and heal, feel and heal…

Metatron: I’m just vibing again what I learned from you…

Raphael: Thank you Metatron, time to digest a bit here isn’t it?

As I’m sharing this story, it’s changing me on the inside again. I’m feeling the part of me then, very present in this Now, Marvin, as I was named then, and have since differentiated and gotten to know as a part of me, who so wanted so much, and wanted to bargain with God to get that ‘so much’, who was also afraid to get anything less. ‘I’ll give you all this God, if you’ll give me that’.

I’m also feeling how much pain Marvin carried inside of his bones too that began around being conceived inside of the cocoon of my mom’s deep and unmoving depression, from his very conception, born into my mom’s lineage of feminine suppression under a patriarchal God, with a patriarchal dad, and a patriarchal husband, and a mom and entire social world in similar lockdown. I know that by the time Marvin made it through the gauntlet of his teens, through the these sudden shifts, he wanted to find the ‘lying down in green pastures’ spoken of in Psalm 23. He wanted to find the way to live that was blessed and guaranteed by God. He was so stunningly surprised that the adult world was actually this fucked up, and no one was doing anything about it, though he had now parted with that kind of language, and anything else that could be remotely considered a vice.

Marvin has since gone on to transmute into my Inner Child, and then my Magical Child, and even beyond as I feel him mostly now in my Star-seed Galactic Self that arose recently whom I call Andy. We sometimes sing our own version of the familiar Sunday School song ‘Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me, Andy tells me I am his own’, which is kind of a perfect digestion of all that God seeking churchy feelings of how it was connection with our own being we were seeking the whole time. We couldn’t see that for what it was and so we arranged for ‘God’ to hold that for safekeeping.

Merlin: Andy is like the friggin’ best! He knows fun and wonderworld walking like no one I know. If you want to go play, call on Marvin, or Andy rather, or both! Let’s get this party started in here.

Raphael: I know right. It’s a bit serious in here isn’t it, but I just have one more piece to feel today and it gets to the heart of this journey to face the Demiurge.

Merlin: Okay, that’s good too, I’m sure it will lead to fun eventually.

Raphael: I think so too, Merlin, and thank you for your patience… 🙂

The piece that is dawning in me, and on me, is feeling how much I, and my beloved parts of me shaped God in my own image, even created this creator being. Granted, It was my family conditioning this life that got me up and running with this set to my sails, but I needed to shape this God into a spaceholder of my Higher Self that I couldn’t consciously yet see or feel inside my own heart.

I’m looking for the right words to put around this…

I mean in the sense that I was afraid of my own heart and its capacity to feel. I know that wasn’t just about this life’s wounding though this life wounding was also needed to backlight it all in order for it to come to the light of day.

You could say, I used God, projected onto God, the Demiurge, my unconscious sense of my Higher Self.

Metatron, can you help me out here, what am I trying to put words around?

Metatron: What I feel it as is kind of simple. You made God into the monster that he had no choice but to become; becoming dis-eased with a greatness that he, and it, was unable to bear, having neither earned it, nor being worthy of it. And as they say ‘power tends to corrupt, and absolute power corrupts absolutely’. You, along with the rest of us, made the Demiurge into an ‘absolute authority’; an ‘outside of us’ projection of our innate perfection and power, that we couldn’t yet relate with. That’s enough to cook anyone’s goose.

Raphael: Wow, when you put it that way, it makes me feel like I owe him an apology…

Metatron: …something to feel into, for sure. We all did this though, Raphael . And we all need to face the monster of our own creation.

Raphael: And what if there’s only a few of us ready to begin that?

Metatron: Then that makes us the ones to stand in the gap between the Demiurge and man. Sounds a bit heady, I know, but it’s real. The Demiurge doesn’t need to make his peace with all men and women individually to find and feel his remorse, his anger, his feelings. He only needs one actually, because, as with anything in the universe, the one, or any one, contains the all.

Merlin: You smoke the best stuff Metatron. I say we break and party-on at your pad. We have to get ready for Christmas a bit too which is tomorrow. Sounds like your talking total Christ child stuff, pretty timely if we’re gonna go by the Christian calendar. We could even redeem some Christmas carols out of the YouTube and have a sing along. You feel like ‘Hark the herald Angels sing’ kind of Archangel!

Raphael: Merlin, you know how to put a bow on things. That about says it for now, doesn’t it everyone? Wow, this gives us, and I know me for sure, some more digesting to do.

Let’s pick up again tomorrow. Thank you everyone, everyone here, everyone beyond, and everyone yet gathering, to form this one posse of hearts as an Ambassadorship to the Demiurge. The Demiurge, I feel is beginning to be expecting us. Thank you especially for feeling and helping me digest my own story too again today. I know I’d like another day or two to digest a few more pieces of my own story together. We are soon about to learn the Demiurge’s side of this story, but all things in their time.
Raphael Awen is co-creator, teacher, and facilitator of the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life. Visit for more information about Weekly Sessions, Live Streams, Videos, and Community.

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Day 3 ~ Journal To The Demiurge

Journal To The Demiurge with Raphael Awen Day 3

By Raphael Awen

(This is Day 3 of an ongoing series, to begin at day 1, go here:

Raphael: Good Morning team. Pardon me, I realized that I’m the only one on the team that needs to sleep…, well, me and the posse of hearts here too.

Metatron: Sleep is good, Raphael. You feel awake though.

Raphael: I so do. The past few years have felt challenging to parts of me having as much free time as I do, quite an adjustment from the busyness of life that I knew in other settings and times. But this journey before us is rumbling through me with a passion and an excitement. It’s 4:30 in the morning as I sit on the patio in the predawn thumbing away again on this iPad. Thank you for this joint mission.

Metatron: What do you feel about that on a deeper level?

Raphael: hmmm. I’m feeling how all my life, I, or the part of me living my life as me at that time, sought mission and purpose. God forbid, pardon the pun, that I would lead a meaningless life. This part of me, so wanted to escape boredom. I still feel I have aspects of my Metasoul that want to heal and feel that one through my present life story to this day. This was so much a part of the draw to Christianity, getting approval and purpose from thee creator, thee God, with a capital ‘g’, thee God of everything. Where this all lands in me in this moment is that I still feel we play a big role with our intentions and choice points about how we are going to relate to life.

Metatron: What’s your intention for today, for now?

Raphael: I feel, and I like starting my intentional statement with the words, ‘I feel’,… I feel I want to be intentional and conscious of everything I’m feeling as I’m feeling it. Am I feeling everything that’s moving through me and giving love to any place of fear, giving curiosity to any place of tension or hiding? Am I showing up for myself?

Metatron: Wow, there’s a new universe, right there! And certainly doesn’t sound like one ruled by the Demiurge!

Raphael: Yes! I still very much want aliveness, and juice flowing through my veins, but I want a different relationship with all of that inside of me. I get to feel, I like to say.

Metatron: We said we’d like to talk about your Christian journey and the events that led to its demise in you. This feels like a good time to get into that. The journey to the Demiurge will need us all being brought up to speed on some of this for sure.

Raphael: Okay. I get to story tell some. I like that. There are still parts of me that have pieces to feel and heal around all of this and so sharing is an opportunity to feel them, and this journey then gets to re-create the whole deal as well.

As I said, I so wanted purpose and mission. As a teen, I wanted to escape the aimlessness I felt around me and even in my family’s version of ‘Christianity light’, as I saw it at the time. I left the family denomination at 19, where I was already an active youth leader, in one fell swoop, decided to renounce my infant baptism, by choosing adult baptism, joined another non-denominational church and signed up for the full time Bible School they hosted. I had become really drawn to miracles, signs and wonders. I wanted something real, that I could feel. I felt how the longstanding family history in a denomination felt dead to me, culturally stuck, and sooo eternally  and damnably boring. I had sat through 2 church services every Sunday since I was a week or two old, and about the only thing I hated more was the dentist.

I recall as a young boy, around 5 years old, as spring had sprung and the snow had receded in northern British Columbia, the neighborhood boys were rounding up a group to go play baseball. I looked high and low for my treasured ball glove, but couldn’t find it. After I had looked everywhere, it dawned on me that ‘God knew where my ball glove was’. I paused and prayed to God to help me find my glove, then opened my eyes, resumed my search, and boom, there it was. ‘God’ was just a given in my reality.

At 17, I ‘knew I wasn’t living right’, and that ‘I would go to hell if I died’. The pot smoking and wanting to get my hands up a girls shirt were things that had to go. I was also living with a self diagnosis of suffering with a big ‘inferiority complex’ and depression. This was the moment I made my first cult switch, as I dropped my circle of friends overnight, and jumped into my family’s Christianity. I again bargained with God ‘that unless he delivered me from my inferiority complex, I wouldn’t amount to anything’ which is kind of funny now as I feel it. I kind of told God that he needed to cough up or he wasn’t going to get any goods out of me. The crazy thing though was about 3 weeks later, while out driving my dads car, it dawns on me that I had not had any deep depression feelings for that whole time. I sincerely believed that God had answered my desperate prayer and heart cry. My energy field shifted and it wasn’t long and I was President of the youth group at our church, and the inferiority subsided.

Merlin: Wow, Raphael. I think it would have been better had you managed to get your hands up more girls shirts.

Raphael: I know! right? Merlin, thanks for jumping in here. This can all use some breathing. Part of me so was afraid of my sexuality and my desires for mateship as well, that ‘giving it all to God’ felt like ‘the right thing to do’. Again, I pawned off onto God for safekeeping what I was afraid of, just like I was afraid of my inferiority and depression and needed to use God as a way to escape it.

I met a young woman at this time through some church youth volunteer mission work, and we found our way into a romance and I felt like my life went instantly from a 2 to 9.5 on a scale of 10. Sex was being ‘saved for marriage’, and this was any kind of ‘sex’ other than kissing. When she broke up with me 11 months later, I knew it had to do with me wandering from the family faith that we were both deeply a part of, and looking to greener pastures of more exciting forms of Christianity, even the dreaded Charismatic Movement. The day following our break up, my family was away on a weekend camping trip and I sat in the black lazy boy chair in the empty living room with the house to myself, and the well of tears wanted to come, but I was able to hold them, and the depression at bay. I called a friend instead to arrange to go for coffee. Something in me ‘knew that I knew’ not to go to that ocean of tears. I again called on God to deliver me from this pain. I managed to walk away unscathed on the surface. It would be not until 19 years later that I re-encountered my depression, finally able to self lovingly let it arise to the surface to begin feeling it. Wow, talk about an effective suppression strategy, and ‘God’ was at the center of it.

How am I doing Metatron? We felt to go to me sharing about the demise of my Christianity, and I’m taking the long road  to get there…

Metatron: You’re doing perfectly. How are you feeling as you are sharing this?

Raphael: I’m feeling a ton of compassion for the me who managed and lived all of that through, for the reasons I did. I can feel another version of me who could have been able to weep all those tears at that time of the deepest conscious loss of my life; the me who is here now. And that feels good.

Metatron: Your sharing feels good too. Please…

Raphael: So, then is about when I was preparing to jump ship again and trade in everything I had for the Charismatic Movement in Christianity. I so wanted to be able to ‘speak in tongues’ as they called it. I felt this was proof of the real power of God. I knew I was ‘saved’, and my fears of hell were well behind me now in the rear view mirror, but I so wanted to feel this miracle kind of experience. It was a bit of a long journey finally arriving at the moment where in response to a church altar call, I was essentially coached into being able to access prayer language, but what a glorious moment it was feeling this miracle of prayer language flow through me in all kinds of dialects and intonations that I could play with at will. I went home that night and prayed for another hour. I knew I was at a turning point.

After a few more months of logistics and gathering the courage, I knew it would have to be a tear-the-bandaid-off kind of approach. My father had said a few months prior that if I left the church, or got adult baptized, I’d have to move out of the house. I sat him down one evening and told him in one breath and one non-stop sentence, that I was leaving the church, resigning from my youth group presidency, joining the Charismatic Church I’d been visiting, attending their full time Bible School in the fall as well as getting adult baptized. He said nothing, looked away and asked my mom for an aspirin as his headache had flared up just then. He came down to my room later that evening and told me, quite surprisingly, that he felt that if I felt my Heavenly Father was guiding me, then who was he, as my earthly father to stand in the way.

It’s interesting I’ve managed to connect with my dad, Jim, as a guide, since he passed away close to 10 years ago now. He died a few years after me jumping ship yet again, leaving Christianity, leaving a 23 year marriage, and admitting I no longer held Jesus as my personal savior. My last memory of him in this life was him in a hospital bed looking so weak a few weeks before he died, as I felt my inner boy part of me looking at him in his weakness, recalling his admiration of his dad’s once strong body. My dad garnered his energy to sit up and tell me with his forefinger pecking at the roll-away bedside eating table that ‘God said in his word that we are to honor our father and our mother, and that He ‘instituted’ family.’ We were miles apart and I chose not to go back to sit again in that energy for any more of that disconnect.

I can so feel his new energy now and feel to let him pop in here, as I’ve energized him by speaking about him.

Jim: Thank you Raphael. I love your new name. It so rocks. We gave you the name Marvin, but you chose Raphael. I’m so sorry I fed you the horse shit pile called Christianity that I was fed. I didn’t find the courage to stand up to it like you did. I know we agreed to these roles before acting them out together, but I still feel sadness that you felt pain. That was some tuff shit we agreed to. And I want to say that the Bible is the biggest horse shit pile of them all, some really attractive horse shit mind you, but shit none the less. I don’t feel afraid of God from where I am today, but boy, did I ever in my life with you. I always thought I wasn’t a coward, standing up to bullies, but you are standing up to the biggest bully of them all. I’m so proud of you.

Raphael: There you have it! Thank you Jim. That changes the energy doesn’t it!? Your voice and presence feels so accessible and I’ll count you in as another guide on this journey. Big horse shit piles! Wow. Part of me is remembering all that doctrine just now about omnipresence, omnipotence, and a few other omni’s, like omniscience.

Merlin: Sounds to me like Jim got over his God-fearing ways, and I say we sniff out the same horse shit. If God had to prattle on about his Omni this and Omni that, it sounds to me like he never had it to begin with. We gave that to him as a sacrifice of our own divinity, borne out our insecurity and unfelt wounds. We’ve been eating horseshit ever since and calling it dinner. Fucking no more!!

Raphael: Okay, and now a swearing Merlin on our hands. You usually come off so wise sounding and even-tempered Merlin…

Merlin: There’s some things that really need some fire,… earth, wind and fire, yes and Amen, if that sounds any better…

Raphael: It’s all perfect, and I need to pause for today and pick this up right where we’re leaving off if I may. I feel juiced about the opportunity to share more of my story and feel your digestions of it as we go. Metatron?…

Metatron:  I’ll need the day to take in Jim and Merlin, ‘fucking no more!’ I love it. Where did we ever this morality horseshit about what’s right, wrong, and proper, instead of feeling what we feel. So yes, I’m good and I’ll be ready when you are.

Raphael: Thanks everyone, and a big salute again to the growing posse of hearts joining this journal and journey. Same time, same channel, manana.

Raphael Awen is co-creator, teacher, and facilitator of the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life. Visit for more information about Weekly Sessions, Live Streams, Videos, and Community.

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Day 2 ~ Journal To The Demiurge

Journal To The Demiurge with Raphael Awen Day 2

By Raphael Awen

(This is Day 2. For Day 1, and the entire ongoing series, go here:

Raphael: Good Morning team. It’s December 22, day 2 of the New Year, if we go by the Solstice Calendar that is, always a special time of the year for me, and it’s day 2 of the Journal to the Demiurge. And I have 2 questions: ‘Is everyone awake?’, and ‘what are you feeling about this journey?’

Metatron: Raphael, this is Metatron. I was awake and sorting my pack for some time already. I’m feeling this is real. This may feel like an epic tale to some, but we are actually creating this. It’s a real tale.

Merlin: This is Merlin, I agree with Metatron. I’m as awake as can be, and I’m feeling very excited.

Raphael: Okay, that explains all the energy moving through me, or at least a big part of it. There’s another part I need to bring on board, into this intentional space, that I mentioned yesterday, and that’s Rhodes, my Gatekeeper. But before I make his introduction, I need to acknowledge the others joining us for this multidimensional journey. There is an audience, in the truest sense of the word, who are auditing this journey, coming with us, in this beyond time and space auditorium of resonance. The seats are filling up and I want to do this together with them. I’ve specifically invited them and will keep inviting. This is humanity’s journey. We gave our power to the Demiurge, and it’s us who need to lead an ambassadorship to negotiate that back. I want to ask each of you to include this auditorium of hearts and souls as we go.

Now, allow me to introduce Rhodes. Rhodes is whom I call my Gatekeeper. A Gatekeeper is the higher dimensional part of us that relates to our lives from a place beyond 3D time and space. They hold our access to many gifts and our awakening relationship with the divine that we and they are. As we heal more and more of our 3D emotional wounding from the 3D life we are in, the Gatekeeper arises naturally leading us through transitional 4D and beyond into the 5D domains of our Higher Self. I believe we all have one, or more. It seems versions of them arise and fall beautifully through our lives, into accessing more of what we truly are in our higher, and ever higher, essence. We call them a Gatekeeper because they also hold access to our remembrance of what I call our Metasoul, the source we came from after we individuated off the Divine. We get to awaken alongside our Gatekeepers and enter an exchange with them that is as unlimited as we are ready to let in.

I met Rhodes through an intense death and rebirth feeling toned intensity that rumbled through an epic, but manageable meltdown in my life just a couple of months ago. Since then, he has been acclimating to me and me to him. We can both feel we have deepenings to explore and feel and remember together and we want to feel it all as we go. I feel Rhodes as the backbone of this journey, and I want to ask him to introduce himself.

I’m very, very proud, glad, excited, and honored to introduce you Rhodes. So Rhodes,… please…

Rhodes: Hello everyone. I’m touched to be here and be on this journey with you. I’ve been quite hidden and under the radar, intertwined in Raphael’s life and journey until recently. I’ve been getting comfortable with being differentiated, comfortable with Raphael and then a few souls beyond. This is like being in a room of very bright lights, but in a good way, though I may need my sunglasses at times.

To our task at hand, I felt Metatron and Merlin juicing myself and Raphael with this idea and it felt like it has been baking not only for the past weeks, but for something outside of time. I have felt my own suppression being under the rule of the Demiurge, and have come to feel how it reflects a self imposed rule that I placed over myself. That rule and its domination is now coming to light and I, we, and any and all we can get to join us, are being invited to find our own versions of this self imposed hell, this penalty for sin, and to come to absolve ourselves by feeling a love we were heretofore unable to feel. That’s why I’m here. I have much to feel and heal, and I want every bit of it. Thank you so much for including me on this epic journey Raphael, which so gives us an adventure to get to know and feel each other deeper inside of. Thank you Merlin and Metatron. You both feel so amazing to me; A personal Unicorn and an Archangel, I want to sit at your feet, is all I can say… thank – you. And thank you to the gathering posse of hearts as Raphael refers to you. I am honored to be in each of your presence.

Raphael: There you go. The magic you feel when there is relational space to feel. Thank you Rhodes. I so look forward and backward too, to all we are, and were, and will be. It’s all true, and coming truer still.

Wow, okay, that’s a lot of goodness to feel.

Wow, what next?…

Metatron: You got this Raphael…

Raphael: Thank you Metatron. I feel like I’m getting a download from you and Merlin both right now, so I’ll just go with it. It feels like laying some groundwork for the mission at hand:

What I hear is that the Demiurge is a god of our own making. We created it individually and collectively. You could say we made him up in our imaginations, and in that, you would be both accurate and inaccurate. On one hand, yes, the Demiurge is a figment of our imagination, but that does not mean it isn’t real. Everything that has reality is a figment of some imagination. We need to wrap our hearts, and to whatever degree we can, wrap our minds around this relationship between the imagination and reality. Reality isn’t as real as we think it is, not in the ways we feel it to be.

I’m speaking this now to the parts of me who feel understandable trepidation about making a quest such as this. I, we, along with the present and past God seeking community have created this being out of our own imaginations, a fact created in our own personal and collective fact-ories. This God is as real as real can be, but if we created it, then it is up to us to take responsibility for what we created, and see what can shift and change and heal in reconnection. I believe there is only one source of every created thing, where even darkness, evil and suffering serve the journey of returning to love and expanding love in the process. If I didn’t feel this in my bones, I wouldn’t have the courage to lead this quest.

I believe the Demiurge is somewhere inside of itself looking for redemption, its own onward journey to the love that it is, and was, is sourced in, and may also be ready to feel remorse for the suffering and pain it has caused to feeling sentient creatures.

How’d I do Metatron?

Metatron: Absolute heavenly perfection, Raphael, near as I can tell, as you like to say.

Raphael: Merlin, what sayest thou? Pardon, me, I’m feeling a bit giddy with the juice in here.

Merlin: Let’s get this party started in here. I so honour this intention and the weight of it, AND I feel, the divine wants us to do this for the opposite motivation of duty and obligation. Duty and obligation is the Demiurge’s deal. The only valid motive for this is for the pure fun of it. We get to love. We get to feel. We get to enter the unknown.

Raphael: I’m so glad you’re on board with all this Merlin, because I don’t have it figured yet how we will even get to the Demiurge, let alone gain audience with him, but I suspect you and Rhodes will sort out the dimensional travel along with the audience we seek.

Merlin: We all will, Raphael, and I know none of us are coming back the same, including the whole posse of hearts, which are all needed for this to move what is ready and wanting to move.

Raphael: Reminds me of that song we sang in church ‘you won’t leave here, like you came, in Jesus name…’, and truth is we were all changed, and many of us changed so much so, event-ually, one event at a time, we found the untidy seams in the paradigm, where our hearts and minds were able to feel the hijack of our divinity being held in subjection to something foreign.

Metatron: You need to speak more to that Raphael, about those events you speak of.

Raphael: Thank you. Let’s do that, but let’s do that tomorrow. I’m feeling to let all this from today land in our gathering posse of hearts, and in my own heart some more, and what I’m feeling moving in Rhodes as well. This is urgent AND we have all the time in the world, as this is what time is for… feeling and healing.

Metatron: Okay, let’s hit the beach then for now and get some sun codes I say.

Raphael: Perfect, and we’ll all meet at this same cosmic address tomorrow. Thank you every ONE.


Raphael Awen is co-creator, teacher, and facilitator of the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life. Visit for more information about Weekly Sessions, Live Streams, Videos, and Community.

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