By Kathleen Calder
There have been many articles circulating around Amanda Todd’s suicide – a catastrophic (and very catalytic) incident that recently received lots of media attention.
To summarize, the story of Amanda Todd is about a teenage girl who was bullied by both men and women, to the point where she could no longer bare it all and in one last outcry for help, posted a video of herself. Here’s the link, if you wish to see it for yourself: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ej7afkypUsc
I just watched it for the first time and to say that my heart broke for her is a tragic understatement. I wanted nothing more than to reach out and hold her hand…not try to give her advice or tell her everything would be ok, but to just hold her and let her cry, or scream, or any outburst she needed in the moment. I would have sat with her for hours. I would have turned off my cell phone and bring every part of myself forward to meet her. To coax her own parts out to be felt. To just be with her.
It makes me wonder if she had anybody at all who could have done that for her. It feels as if no one around her knew how to offer her that. Or even worse…that they were afraid to even try.
On a personal note, Amanda’s situation could have easily happened to myself or any of my friends that I had in my pre-teen and teen years. Even when I was in university it could have happened to me. As women we sometimes become so fused with a part(s) of ourselves when a man showers us with “you’re beautiful”-s that the voice and feeling of our real, authentic, self-loving hearts becomes drowned out. Many a compromising situation could be avoided if we didn’t pounce on any ounce of male approval that comes our way.
I’m still working through this, namely with two of my emerged parts, Maria and Karrie. Maria was once known as my “seductress” part, while Karrie represents aspects of my teenaged self. They both have their own ideas and feelings around romance and attraction – how to attract and what they want to attract. I was never taught how to properly be loved by a man and what to look for. My parents themselves did not have a very loving relationship and I can actually count on one hand the number of times I heard “I love you” from my own father. My older sister never had relationships that could model for me either, but how could she when we were both raised with the same relationship model in place?
I feel this may be the root of Amanda’s own parts having caused so many issues with men and making so many poor decisions. Her real, Sovereign (aka SFH) self got lost in the shuffle while her parts called the shots based on what they themselves had been taught. I feel she may have experienced a similar past life to the one I recalled a week ago today, about having been persecuted as a witch a few centuries ago. It seems she may have unconsciously set herself up for similar persecution in this life…and when no one would do the killing for her, she did it herself…still attached to any guilt she may have had in that previous life around her gifts, feeling as if it really was all her fault that things turned out the way they did.
Amanda Todd’s suicide has caused a tidal wave of emotion and a resurgence of “anti-bullying” messages. Her story pushes beyond bullying and enters well into the realm of the relationship between men and women. The story of the “Burning Times”, as the witch-hunts are called, is one that is still present today, though I would argue that it it’s remnants are felt not so much in a literal sense as they are embedded in the female psyche. The majority, if not all of us, were so barbarically persecuted that it left a branding on our souls forever. We unconsciously fear being hunted again and feel guilt for putting our sexuality and our gifts out into the world, reclaiming what is ours, feeling as if it is our own fault if we are persecuted for doing so and we have brought it all on ourselves.
History, even long-buried, will repeat itself again and again until it has been felt through those parts of ours that it remains with. If only Amanda had been given this gift…but you know what? Despite her tragic and heartbreaking story, she has given woman-kind a huge gift herself. She has highlighted the need to repair our relationship with men once and for all.
A pattern must be brought forward and healed. And I for one am jumping on board with all my heart.
Thank you, Amanda.
May you rest and find healing in the arms of the Divine.