By Jelelle Awen
“I’m not sure that I fit in your world. I am too ‘low’. I am at times too ‘negative’. I still have pains from the past and wounds too. I still ache in deep places. I struggle to forgive at times. I struggle to feel compassion for myself and for others. I chase ghosts and shadows too. How can I find a place in your bright world? It feels like sunshine after so much darkness to me. I really need the love but I don’t know if I am worthy of it. I don’t know if I fit in.” These words are from the aching hearts of the parts of us that suffer, live in shadow, have journeyed so far and so long in this 3D experiment. They are wanting to be in the ‘world’ of our growing and awakening 4D/5D self, yet feel a deep unworthiness around how they can possibly fit into this high vibration. Inner Punisher energies inside just ‘reinforce’ this message and waves of shame shut down and suppress the desires for love.
I heard and felt this in myself the last couple of days as I am BEing with a part of me that has taken in much, been through much, many death and rebirths as my soul/higher self continues to come into my body through the awakening process. Many tears came up as I felt this energy inside myself. This part has textures of my 4D self…..this part of me is named Jillian, which is my birth name and the name I choose to go by when I began my awakening journey through parts work in earnest about 15 years ago. I was called Jill before then, who I now feel was more my 3D self. These distinctions of 3D from 4D matter much less than just BEing open to feeling all there is to feel with these aspects of ourselves.
Jillian ‘came up’ strongly yesterday in response to conflict energies flushing out between Raphael and I as we move into a deeper co-leadership phase together offering our service of love through SoulFullHeart and as we are also feeling a geographic shift from Mexico to the United States as a community. We are being called to deeper, wider, bigger service together and this new ground and call is bringing up ‘older’ frequencies in our relationship for us to feel. Raphael and I have been together for nine years…..years marked by much change, transition, letting go, healing of gender wounding, and awakening. Our process together (held by a deep love and respect for each other) is to feel where parts of us have fixed into ‘work arounds’ with each other rather than arising into the new. This is can be challenging to navigate together and parts work is a huge heart line, life line for us, along with the loving support of our community and our Metasoul aspects/guides.
We feel a part often comes up as it is ‘triggered’ or ‘constellated’ (as Carl Jung called it) by an outside source or mirror (especially in romantic relationship.) When I felt ‘old’ reactivity come up in me with Raphael, I went in and felt Jillian, who I had not connected with consciously in a while. The frequencies of Jelelle/soul self coming into my body have been the strongest energy over the last year and I have made much space for this integration of them into my BEing in order to step more fully into my service of love here. Inviting Jillian back into my space did not mean that I was ‘going backwards’ or suddenly ‘falling behind’, yet rather that there was enough love and light in my heart and soul to hold her and make space for her now.
In my experience, no aspects of us can really be suppressed or avoided. If they need us, their energies will flood our field when our emotional bodies are triggered to release them and push them up. If we are open to feeling and BEing with these energies and NOT suppress them or transcend them with bliss/higher frequencies (which is very tempting to do), then we get the gift of integration. THIS integration is what I feel is the ultimate reason and purpose of ascension…to become sacred human, to bring our humanity and the most trailing edge expressions of it into the love light of our Divinity.
In SoulFullHeart, we support you in this up and down integration/bridging through sessions, group calls, retreats, community, and a process that we have spent many years living out as our daily reality. This integration process is very challenging at times and it feels to me nearly impossible to do by yourself. More information here about what we offer if you are drawn to go on this journey with us at your side and you at ours:soulfullheartwayoflife.com/services
Ascension is not just about upward movements…..not about a grand sweeping ‘moment’ of deliverance where ALL we experience from then on is bliss. It is an integration of the tough and the painful with the healed…… the difficult and the barely recovered from with the moved beyond. It is the going down in order to let in more UP. The loving of what we have been with ALL of our hearts in order to invite it into something new and beyond. Bridging to our emotional body WITH our soul frequencies and receiving of the gifts of our heart in the process of this. Making room for these parts of ourselves in our ‘higher’ world brings us in touch with the core of our humanity, which is what we came here with Gaia to experience in this now of ascension where we experience more and more our essence as Infinite Love in sacred human form!
Raphael and I are hosting a group call on Sunday, August 27th about sacred union where we will share more about our experience together of parts work/differentiation inside and with each other:https://www.facebook.com/events/254241058395276/
Jelelle Awen is an Emoto-Spiritual Teacher, Soul Scribe, waySHOWer, and co-creator and teacher of the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life. She is author of Sacred Human, Arising Wonder: Ascension Through Integration Of Your Emotional Body With Your Spirituality and Keep Waking Up! Awakening Journeys To Avalon And Beyond . Visit soulfullheartwayoflife.com for more information about space holding sessions with SoulFullHeart Facilitators, group calls, videos, community, etc. Visit our patreon page to offer a money donation to support our offerings at https://www.patreon.com/soulfullheart.