By Jillian

How do you write from stillness? From stillness that asks you to communicate nothing; that requests nothing of you; that is indefinable? How do you write about nothing and the invitation of the ever arising moment that is both nothing and everything? How do you write about the invitation to be and not to do?

The words I’ve written in the past (many which are no longer published) have tried: the effort was in every syllable and every sentence. The effort was in the collaboration of them into a book form; the effort was in needing others’ to read them in order for them to feel real; the effort was in the need to inspire and to influence without being fully authentic to how I was really feeling about the people I was serving.

How do you write of process without the alluring promise of attainment and enlightenment? How do you write of the process that is being with the feminine aspect of God in the moment where the future is unknown and the past is being asked to be let go of? And beyond writing about it, how do you offer this process to others as it is; as it is a state of being and not doing? There is nothing to attain here; nothing to gain as an achievement. How do you offer something that promises nothing and yet asks for so much to be given up? How do you offer the divine feminine aspect of God to a world which is so dominated by patriarchal male god frequencies?

These have all been pressing questions for me. Yet, lately, the question for me is deeply personal: What is BEING with her? This is new, it feels like, being with this question in a way that is not about doing anything, defining anything, making a paradigm out of anything, needing to prove anything or give up anything, teach others anything, or attain anything.

She is made of veils; She is mystery. Her face is shifting, arising, and familiar all at the same time. I can’t stand in absolute truth behind what I’ve written before about Her in the past. I can’t state definitely that she appears only in four faces and which of those faces is associated with which season. She will not be paradigmed or systemized; this is all I can seem to know about Her. She is like ash slipping through any fingers that try to contain or hold Her.

I thought I was to light incense; I was to pray; I was to learn and receive and give “Reiki”; I was to write about Her and how to be with Her and Her four faces; I was to hold circles and “workshops”; and I was to hold other people in this process too. As much as I resisted a paradigm, I felt pressured and compelled to make one out of her. I have no desire for doing any of that in the same way. I cannot find or experience her in any of those things or in any doing other than responding in the moment to what is offered without needing to carry out a ritual or to wrap my experience of Her into a mental bubble of understanding.

I cannot define anything beyond calling it, “love” that She is holding the possibility for in every single moment. A “love” that is organic, natural, real, and not as separate as it once felt to me to be. A “love” that moves between the wondrous man called Wayne who has linked his life and journey with mine. I feel her hold the container for the exploration of this love in every moment.

As I let go of understanding and defining her, I have surprisingly begun feeling her lately in people drawn to our meaningful connections group. Her essence flows in their association with Her, in their past experiences in other lifetimes, in their religious conditioning. I felt her in the tender relationship of a young girl part raised Catholic living inside of a vibrantly intuitive and spiritual woman. I felt her in the powerful energetic frequencies of a sensitive and beautiful man. I felt her catalytic force rumbling possibility through the defended layers of a marriage. And, I feel her in the steady invitation to Wayne and me to transparently lead with our hearts open, our boundaries set, and our desires flowing.

She is the canvas that holds the picture of life and the womb out of which life is created. I accept her without a name or a story or a creed or a cult or a gospel or a paradigm. I accept her as a feeling, as a deeply personal experience, as related to intimately by every soul whether they are conscious of it or not. I accept Her as the invitation to love.