Healing Our Hijacked Masculinity: Sacred Masculinity Blog Series

By Raphael Awen


Let’s dive into some more big picture stuff.

I offered in a previous post that you can call it the sacred masculine or divine masculine if you want to, but masculinity itself (like femininity itself) needs no such adjective. Adding the reverential is for you. It offers a way to expand your consciousness to a higher plane. Awe, wonder, and reverence are the result of coming out of the locked-down state of normal waking consciousness and being allowed to see depths of reality that are normally screened out of awareness by powerful parts of ourselves. Worship doesn’t effect divinity, it effects you. It effects you into your own divinity.

I am a man, male in gender, showing up in this 3rd dimension of reality currently as a 55 year old, with a name and a back story (a his-story). I have dreams for my future (a her-story) yet to play out in this time dimension phenomenon of past, present and future thing that we all dance with.

But all of this is just how I show up. What I am is actually an energy flow of infinite love. My true being and my higher self is ethereal. The manifestation of this energy here in 3D land is what is showing up as Raphael with enough continuity and distinction that this ‘me’ energy gets to participate in many things, one of which is masculinity. Another is femininity. I am a manifestation of both gender expression energies with a polarity that is weighted around the masculine, evidenced in my physical and emotional body. I am energy dancing in polarity. I sit here in this thing called a moment, using my thumbs on a thing called an IPad, using another phenomenal invention of linguistics to convey another phenomenon of thought and directable heart energy to convey meaning! My god, that any of us don’t just explode in any and every moment is an energy/miracle/management phenomenon itself of stunning proportions.

Instead we find ourselves bored and needing something called entertainment.

What happened?

How could life itself have become so tamed?

The other day, Jelelle Awen and I stepped into a large touristy store on the Malecon seawall asking about sunglasses, and the clerk about my age wanted to show me the ‘farmacia’ section, taking me over there, pointing out the various medications and pausing on the Viagra. ‘No necesito’ I replied. He looked at me persistently with one eye brow raised while glancing and nodding over in Jelelle’s direction. I had to again reassure him that I didn’t need or want his offer. Jelelle said later I should maybe have asked the guy if he had a pill that could do the opposite.

Today, we need a drug to stiffen the cock, an app to have a relationship and a movie to draw a tear. We have been hijacked from the essence of life itself and have been offered the cheapest and most degrading and demoralizing substitutes. We’ve been robbed off life, and robbed of awareness of the crime and blindly offered fixes.

Who we really are and what we really are hasn’t gone away. It’s still here and available. The only thing holding it back from awareness is powerful parts of you who became convinced that raw life is too risky unless life is heavily medicated and managed with these deep dimming effects upon your perception and experience of reality.

Getting to know, feel and heal these parts of ourselves is the path into our masculinity. It is also the path into the sacred marriage of our inner femininity with our masculinity inside of ourselves. Only this inward journey can truly change anything in our outer expression.

Joining a spiritual men’s group can afford you some ground for the masculine to have reflection and drama, but until that translates into deep inner self discovery, you are only fused with the parts of you posturing around as a stiff cock or a limp cock, while the true energy of you is capped off upstream and left mostly unavailable to you, remaining a deep mystery to be explored is a later life.

Real manhood is about this inward journey. The true Shamans of our time are those who know this journey and can guide others into their own sacred journey. Ayahuasca can show you a vista or two, but it cannot take you to that reality as your waking reality. It takes a man living a real life, identifying what he really wants and finding the courage to choose that at any cost to know this manifestation of his infinite love energy essence firing on all cylinders in this earthly domain.

Raphael Awen is co-creator, teacher, and facilitator of the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life. Visit soulfullheartwayoflife.com for more information.

Moving Beyond Mediocre Manhood: Sacred Masculinity Blog Series

By Raphael Awen


Mediocre manhood. Those two words don’t really belong in the same sentence. Sadly though, we can’t escape the reality as it exists today…..or can we?

Escaping mediocre manhood will require awareness of how you are showing up as man, what isn’t working for you, the humility to admit it and the choice to seek something more.

How each of us as men have become the man we are has so much to do with the patterns of manhood that we were shown. These patterns were ingrained into us on so much more than a cognitive level going to the very heart of our being.

The word ‘pattern’ is from the same original word for the words; father; pater; papa and patriarch. Our father is literally our pattern, our ‘patron’ Saint, our admission into the ‘patriarchy’. Each of us as men is running a kind of emotional operating system that came to us via our fathers. Our father got it from his father, and so on and on. It may not be our father, or even a man in the role of our father, but all of us as men received intense male patterning and templating for every boy and man around us.

It is only as the contents of this,…let’s call it our EOS (emotional operating system) become conscious and brought up into our awareness, that we can even begin to move out of mediocrity in our manhood.

Here alone is a big step. Most men have a codependent relationship with all men and especially their fathers whereby they agree not to speak any ‘negativity’ towards their fathers. What this really is, is an agreement to keep the patriarchy intact from generation to generation. Only as you refuse to participate in the insanity will you find any ground to leave the insanity. This means you’re going to have get critical about dad and his pattern as it lives in you. I don’t know how else to say it. You don’t need to be a superiorizing asshole about it, but you can’t escape critique. Your critique will need to be vocal enough to exit the insanity. Being critical beyond that is just cycling in an enmeshed relationship men, dads, and male friends.

Unless you are willing to say no to every man, you can’t actually find your deepest version of your truest manhood. You may not need to say no to every man, but you will need to be willing to say no if your goal is your highest expression of your manhood. You don’t owe your dad a thing, and a healthy self realized dad doesn’t expect a thing in return for his role and years as a father. Actually, the greatest gift a dad can receive from their son is their ‘fuck you dad!’ of individuation, which ideally should come around 18 years old. Now, after this healthy completion of the childhood phase, dad and son can go on to forge a totally new relationship with the old one having truly died and been reborn.

Only now, after this death and rebirth, can new patterns be explored and come to be a part of a new EOS. This is the real initiation into manhood that is not only missing in our culture, but so missing from all of the manhood groups I have encountered this far.

Men want more. It’s in them at their very core. No amount of conditioning can erase that. Conditioning can and does try to manage and suppress this wanting of more which is in itself is a testimony to this essence in a man.

Exploring this ‘more’ will be finding and feeling and healing all the aspects of your EOS that no longer serve your most authentic version of yourself arising. The way this is done in SoulFullHeart is through getting to know the parts of you that makeup your ‘you’ stream. You are far from a single personality. This is probably no more evident than in relation to your masculinity. Our parts can and do respond very differently in different situations. You are not insane. You are multi-dimensional. You have more than one you, several more in fact.

Until you come to discover your parts or subpersonalities, some part of you is posing as you, working so much harder than is healthy to keep your ‘you’ show running uncontrollably on the mediocre default patterns that are in the male collective.

More about the SoulFullHeart Subpersonality Healing Process Here:http://www.soulfullheartwayoflife.com/soulfullheart-subpers…

Raphael Awen is co-creator, teacher, and facilitator of the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life. Visit soulfullheartwayoflife.com for more information.

Venturing Into The Unknown: Sacred Masculine Blog Series

By Raphael Awen



So what is this thing out there called ‘the sacred masculine’ or, as it’s equally referred to, ‘the divine masculine’?

The sacred masculine, like the sacred feminine, isn’t easily defined or contained in words, because they are both an energy, a force, a wave form of a specific bandwidth of frequency. They are an awareness of something more than what is in your current consciousness around the masculine or the feminine. It’s a humble admission of ‘I know that I don’t know.’ Herein lies its qualification to be referred to as the divine, or sacred,….it’s in the humility to be in wonder, and to have a reverence for something more that you want, but don’t currently have.

The masculine, however, is by itself sacred. Masculinity itself doesn’t really need the words sacred or divine to designate it as anything more than it already is. In a profound way, two guys sharing beers in a bar, checking out women and watching football is a form of the masculine out seeking to know itself. Even Donald Trump’s recently much maligned words about women is a form of the masculine out trying to know itself. Admittedly, there isn’t any awareness or consciousness around wanting more, or anything touching on an expression of what we’d call the ‘reverent’ to be found here, but even in this unconsciousness, masculinity is out seeking to know itself.

Masculinity itself, like femininity, is the reverent thing. It can’t be made any more or less reverent than it already is. The only thing there is to change is your relationship to it. It’s the ground of your relationship to the thing, not the thing itself that either lets in or holds at bay the reverence factor. To feel this is the beginning of reverence. It’s the beginning of making space for the sacred inside of you.

What is it that you want in relationship to the masculine? What is it that you feel is lacking or missing in your relationship to the masculine? This wanting and willingness to admit a missing piece is what is the essence of your relationship to the masculine. It is making space for desire. It is making space for longing.

That’s just about all for the moment, except that I welcome working with you personally and directly in dedicated session space man to man if what I offer and the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life offers calls to you. Our sessions page is here: soulfullheartwayoflife.com/sessions

Stay tuned for more on the sacred masculine!

Raphael Awen is co-creator, facilitator and teacher of the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life. Visit soulfullheartwayoflife.com for more information about healing sessions with Raphael.

The Epic Journey Is Inward Toward Self Love

By Raphael Awen

The Beginning

If life is anything, it’s a journey. An exciting and epic journey.

But why doesn’t it feel that way so much of the time for so many of us?

It’s because parts of us have worked so hard to isolate us from the journey that life is, working to tame it and make it manageable, predictable and safe. These parts of us can’t remove us from the movements of birth, childhood, young adult and middle age and old age, but if they can just keep it the safest possible within these uncontrollables, they will gladly settle for that.

But, these aren’t the only parts of us. There are others longing for change and adventure, who feel like they are dying on the vine in the small carefully arranged life we’ve set up, that feels so set in stone.

Fused to these very different parts of us, we are managing a civil war inside of us, all the while seeking to remain functional on the outside and holding a self image intact to our world around us. A longing dream comes up to take a couple years and travel, and we end up settling for a 2 week all inclusive vacation paid for on a credit card. ‘How was it?’ our friends ask when we return, expecting nothing more than a polite answer to their polite question.

Why can’t we seem to access anything different? Well, if you are genuinely asking that question, you need to get ready, because you are beginning to access something different. If you are willing to hold that question as a quest, you will make conscious the journey that your life is.

Getting to know these very different parts inside of us and why they are disposed the way they are is an incredible journey in itself. It is in fact, the real journey. It is a journey that will require a journal for sure to digest and record the experience. This journey inward to deep self-love and self-reconciliation is the way of life that SoulFullHeart offers.

I’d like to take you to feeling one more piece today. You as a soul ARE a journey. You aren’t actually seeking a journey like you may think you are. You are on an epic journey right now. Even if part of you manages to keep you isolated and involved in as little change as possible for your entire life, you are still in and on this epic journey. If you are willing to feel this, that feeling space that you create and the intensity of feeling it will create in you the guidance you seek and need to feel, as to what path to take to undo the set-in-stone life you’ve set up for yourself so far.

The bigger context of life for all of us collectively is changing at lightning speeds in these recent years. People feeling this tend to either attempt hunkering down deeper into their set-in-stone approach, or they see that this tsunami of change must be flowed with. They make it a conscious feeling to feel all there is to feel around life change, desire and the internal unresolved conflicts coming from each of the beloved parts of themselves.

You don’t need to be in control. You don’t need a bullet proof plan. You don’t need another self-help program. You only need to be willing to feel.

I’d like to help you with that if that is something that calls deeply to you, if you know that feeling is the journey you are on. Hang around, get to know and reach out to us here in the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life.

Raphael Awen is co-creator, facilitator, and teacher of the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life. Visit soulfullheartwayoflife.com for more information. 

It’s our relationship to Desire that matters, not suppressing it

By Raphael Awen


Possibly the single most difficult challenge in life is dealing with desire.

Think about it for a moment. Without desire, there wouldn’t be such things as addictions, no need for medications or drugs of any kind. No need for anything really. Sex, food, a new iphone, you name it, all of it no longer sought after. There wouldn’t be any conflict, as that’s all based on desire, so there’s the whole ‘world peace’ issue solved. No more internal conflicts either, so no more need for any spiritual teachers like myself offering ‘more’ in some form or another. There wouldn’t be any possibility of being taken advantage of, nor sold anything, because all that too begins and ends with desire.

What comes up for many of us in feeling this burden of desire that we carry is a desire to return to the place of no desire, to return to source. We can feel a realm of bliss and contentment where we were free from the tyranny of desire. But, to enter this place, we feel a desire to unburden ourselves of this seeming plague of desire that overwhelms us. Did you get that? Desire to exit desire? Argh! Give it an inch and it takes a mile.

The other day, in the evening, I walked down the hill to the beach seawall and stopped in for some ice-cream. It was chocolate mint with crunchy chocolate chunks in it. It tasted out of this world. I knew it was a sugar bomb and of no food value whatsoever, but it was just too good and too satisfying to say no too. Then, the next evening, the idea came back again, and guess what? More chocolate mint. That night at around 3 am, there was a sugar bomb explosion that gave me a headache. Now the chocolate mint wasn’t so much my friend anymore. Lesson learned right? Well, actually, no, because the idea came back around on the third night in a row and guess what? MORE Chocolate Mint, and yet another early morning hangover. Talk about addicted, I couldn’t even try a different flavour.

So, what’s the solution? The idea of some ‘self control’ comes up first with a bit of a punishing energy. “Once in a blue moon as a treat, is fine, but….”. But this too is the voice of another desire, desire wanting to control desire.

When you stop to feel through it, there isn’t a single problem that you have in any area that can’t be traced back directly to the issue of desire.

So, let’s leave this plagued world of desire then, right? To hell with desire. Let’s kill off all desire. What’s left could only be total bliss.

But we’d have to exit nature for sure, because even trees have desire. We’d have to shed the body, because it too is a demon of desire, food, sex, nikes and all. And then what we’re left with is being disembodied spirits who live in the bliss of escape from the pain of all desire. If this is true, then suicide is the greatest virtue.

But, think a bit further here. The question comes up if I would really be free of all desire after death. If I’m still existing, but outside of the body, I won’t be at the ice-cream shop any time soon, but wouldn’t I still be in some realm of desire?

It feels to me like the oneness source that we were birthed out of, the one that we can feel a longing to return to, is actually an energy of discontentment within its contentment. If God, or oneness, or non-duality was so blissfully fulfilled (filled to the full), why did it create outside of itself, beings who would be dependent upon desire?

The answer I can feel around this one and humbly offer as a ‘near as I can tell’ is that God had desire. I know that sounds blasphemous to our conditioned minds, but God wasn’t filled to the full. And God isn’t filled to the full. And God is out ‘godding’ around through you and me in this utter cacophony of desire that has been unleashed upon us.


Because God in its utter and total fulfillment, felt a need to step outside of itself, which it actually can’t do, but decided to try anyway and provide the illusion of separation from God as a learning and discovery ground seeking to come to know more of its infinite nature.

God is in the 18 year old out trying to get laid. God was in my ice-cream binge. God is in my desire to write this morning. God is in you as you read this.

Here’s the secret though. The separation you feel between you and God isn’t real. It just needed to feel real enough for the experiment to work. What happens to infinite love when it ventures outside of itself, when it lets itself feel the wanting of something more than the most it already has?

We don’t actually know and neither does God, but desire was again found utterly unstoppable here. God couldn’t self discipline itself to stay inside of any kind of safe boundaries. Love left itself up to love. If love is anything, it is free of control. “But, how can that work” we all ask, including the part of me afraid of my next ice-cream binge?

How about this as a solution? What if instead of killing desire, what I actually need is to go deeper into desire? What is it that I really want? What did the ice cream represent that it was capable of representing but not fulfilling? It takes as many ice-cream binges as it takes to figure this out, and love itself can hold every one of them. Even self destruction is held in love, because every destruction cannot escape the love that you are and that you never ever actually left.


To kill desire, you’d have to kill God.The word for this is ‘deicide.’ That’s why suicide is so offensive, it’s actually deicide and suppressing desire is actually fighting God.

You can embrace the utter contentment that you are and bask in its fullness, just don’t think that you won’t have desires inside of that. It’s a crazy thing, but there isn’t any fulfillment in fulfillment in an infinite world. ‘Full’ isn’t ultimately real, only ‘full for now’ is real.

Love wants to explore through you and it can also feel you in this burden it thrust upon you of offloading it’s very desire nature into you. Like a crack addicted mother passing off its craving into an unborn fetus, it can be seen as a tragedy, or it can be seen as love itself being utterly and uncontrollably addicted to love.

We are in a love experiment. Nothing more or less. Even hatred is contained by love.

In SoulFullHeart, we offer a way to get to know and explore the many parts of ourselves or subpersonalities. Here is where your overall relationship to desire can be felt through. Here, we can begin to differentiate each part of us and their relationship to desire. Without this, we remain fused to this civil war of desire inside of us. Check out SoulFullHeartwayoflife.com for more.

Raphael Awen is co-creator, teacher, and facilitator of the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life. Visit soulfullheartwayoflife.com for more information and Raphael’s facebook page for more writing. 


A Daemon’s Plea

By Leena Colibri

Could you love me…
if I showed you the scars,
the wings that aren’t pretty?


…maybe they never were…
but I can’t tell anymore.
I’ve forgotten what they look like.
I’ve forgotten how to see them.
I’ve forgotten that there is a mirror
and that that mirror can exist in an open human heart.


Can you see tears on my face?
I can’t feel them anymore.
My cheeks are numb.


Has life smacked me down or have I?
Has it all been as violent as it feels to me? Who is ultimately responsible? Am I? Are you? Is God?


Am I a product of my own faults? If I am, will I ever feel remorse? Could I ever feel remorse?


Did the war end or just ebb?
Why am I able to talk to you?
Why are you able to feel me?
Am I dying?


Did the soldier I was give way to an angel of peace?
Am I acting out of what was and is no longer?
Or is it all just beginning again and this is the calm before the storm?
I certainly don’t feel calm.
And I certainly do feel the storm…
In fact it is all I can think about.


Why can I suddenly see you?
Do you see me?
Are you pretending, as you have before?


Are you ready to believe that I am wounded?
Are you ready to believe that something beyond “me” is wounded?


All I am is questions,
a quester on an unending quest,
finding no answers, just more questions…
but for the first time,
I am asking them out loud and I am not afraid to let them fall from my lips and drift over to you, and into an unknown love that I no longer fully trust…
but want to…but want to again…as I did before.
As I did before the war. As I did before the battles I was partly responsible for starting.


Where am I?
How can you hear me?
Why do you even want to?


I could be your essence.
I could be that spark inside you.
I could be a part of all you are outside and inside your body.
I could be a part of everything in the world while also only a speck of dust on this great plane of existence.
I want to be with your essence…
I want to be with the you that could lead me Home.


take me Home.

*Find out more about connecting with your daemon/soul guardian here*
** Leena Colibri is an apprentice facilitator of the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life. Please visit soulfullheartwayoflife.com for more information.

The Rearview Mirror




So this is how it goes…
You let go
and you trust
and you realize what you let go of
and what you are letting go into.


Never have I had such a trampoline inside
where I can leap and know no bounds
where the sky inside is the limitless one
and the gravity of the fall is into nothing at all.


You were a mirror of a different colour
a different density
and I expected you to work differently
…and not mostly in hindsight.
But here I go into a retrospective reflective surface
where I realize
not only could you not see me
but holy shit…
I didn’t see myself.


In a big way
I couldn’t, didn’t, wasn’t planning to.
Not while I had your eyes
your promise
your mouth, hands, lips, body, touch
and heart.


I poured water on my feathers
but the Pheonix fire didn’t cease
and my maniac heart
bent on healing
kept on beating it’s drumbeat tone with steady, thumping steps.


The thrumming goes on
even as you and I don’t
and you and I don’t
and you and I don’t either.


Love. I am your channel.
I am your healer.
I am your student.
Make and give me more me
so I may be
more of the me I couldn’t see
until I realized I am what I was missing all along.



Leena Colibri is an apprentice facilitator of the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life. Please visit soulfullheartwayoflife.com for more information.





I’m somewhere inside the in-between.


What do I like, again? What am I like, again?


My skin erupts into a fiery red spread
crawling through the cavities and crevices
of what was once intact and clear.
A skin that hasn’t been comfortable
yet I have always worn it.


I’m malting and melting
scrambling for the ground
of what is coming.


The corner to turn is up ahead.


But how far?
I can’t see…
My depth perception is altered.


I feel a million miles away
yet the hot breath of change is on my neck.


No more enabled
In fact
I am disabled
in a really good way.
In a really scary way.
In a way I haven’t felt before
and I don’t know if I like it…
Yet somehow…
it could be…
that I secretly love it all.


If this wasn’t what I wanted
the path beneath my angry yet tired feet would change state
and I would change course.
But I don’t.
And I don’t want to.


So if this is what’s next
I will wedge myself here for you.
All of you.
And my eventual freedom
will change the snow to raindrops
and nourish all
and be with all
and surrender to my own All That Is
All That Was
All That Will Ever Be
There I will find you
and me
and them…yes even them.
Because we can never be disconnected. Not really.


And maybe that is all I ever need to know
and could ever need to truly surrender to.

Leena Colibri is an apprentice facilitator of the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life. Please visit soulfullheartwayoflife.com for more information.

Coming To Terms With Our Light And Our Dark


By Raphael Awen

Coming to terms with the fact that I am both light and dark may be the single most growthful thing for me this life.

Like the cruise ship that I just watched enter the bay in the predawn light, I just discovered something of monumental proportions about my life.

I’ve always had a love for God, a desire to be in awe, and in reverence. This is something known about myself and that others around me can attest to. It’s part of my light.

But in a recent flow of tension and feeling into it, I felt into an aspect of a part of me feeling entitled to have and know power. The 30 year long career I left 2 years ago was a lot about having a sense of power in the face of life’s powerlessness and indefinability. While most wouldn’t call me materialistic, there was something about the things that money could buy that afforded me (and still do) a way to assuage this pain of powerlessness. Feeling deeper into this need for power hidden in my shadow, I find something very different to the reverence for God that I’ve always known in my light. Underneath the entitlement and need for power is actually an impulse to dethrone God.

Surrender to a higher or greater power leaves part of me in some ‘lesser than’ place struggling to see it as any more than that. So where else would I, or part of me, place this competition with God, but to hide it in my shadow.

What a pretzel! To have both love and hate for God in the same vessel, to revere God on one hand and to need to dethrone God on the other.

The more I come to know (also a kind of quest for power), the more I must surrender to that I don’t know.

It feels to me like the Divine itself is learning the same lessons I am learning. It too has darkness and light. None of it is bad. All of it is a quest to feel, heal, learn and grow in the only true reality there is of infinite love.

Raphael Awen is co-creator, teacher, and facilitator of the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life. Visit soulfullheartwayoflife.com for more information. 

From the Realm of the Watchers



It’s okay if you don’t remember.
We aren’t going to leave you.


It’s okay if you don’t know.
There’s not much to know,
just to experience over and over again
until experience turns into the page love is written on,
not the words of love themselves.


It’s okay if you don’t know who you are.
We don’t care how many carousels you ride,
how many spins you take,
you will still have your essence in the end.
In the end, the only path that matters,
is the path you chose in every moment.
And no… we don’t care how you were or weren’t,
just how your experiments end.
The inconclusive conclusions you come to
along your way back to




The only Ground Zero.
The only ground from where you rose,
and the only ground on which you fall.
The place where seeds are scattered,
and growth happens no matter what.


Yes. All else is an illusion.
It’s the illusion you need.


That holographic something isn’t nothing.
It’s the most important thing
right now
right now
right now.


So… walk, run, fly, dream, make love, make war, make peace, get messy, clean up, climb up, and fall down.
Your sacredness won’t break, for it is not porcelain.
Your birthright to live into all realities remains intact.


Here we sit.
Here we watch.
Here we wait for you to remember
that the path is love,
the game is love,
and the light, dark, hard, easy stories
are the love you are learning
and remembering that you are.

Leena Colibri is an apprentice facilitator of the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life. Please visit soulfullheartwayoflife.com for more information.