By Jelelle Awen The pain comes from being small. From learning to act small and conform to the smallness around you. The suffering comes from their projection of smallness onto you and the acceptance of… More
Your Unhappiness Is Key To Your Happiness
By Raphael Awen
If you’re not unhappy, you’ll never come to know true happiness.
Twenty years ago, I had ten big desires brewing inside of me, that all felt so out of reach. Today, I’m actually living in the fulfillment of all ten.
In some ways, at 62 years old, I’m happier than I ever imagined I’d be and in some ways, I’m not.
If you’re curious and drawn to some real transparency, please allow me to explain, but only if you’re truly wanting to dare to own your own sacred journey, as well as your deeper desires.
If you’re here and reading this, I feel it’s safe to assume that you’re connected to a deep common denominator in each of us to grow and expand. That’s why I’m writing and reflecting on this, actually, to keep on growing.
A quick list of the 10 really big desires I had brewing back in 2004 were as follows:
To escape the world I had created in a profitable niche world in my 30 year long painting contracting business. It was too easy and felt like a trap in many ways.
I wanted to leave the city I had spent the last 40 years in, but that felt so far out of reach.
I wanted to get out of debt financially.
I wanted to express my soul purpose and live in a much deeper sense of mission in my life, with more influence and connection with my world around me.
I wanted to be really intimately connected with a soul mate romantic bond inside of that mission.
I wanted to travel and live somewhat nomadically, and be in a much deeper connection with nature inside of that romance and soul purpose.
I wanted to get beyond a very limited sexual expression and repertoire which was all I’d ever known.
I wanted out of a 23 year marriage as well as my lifelong relationship with Christianity, both of which were reaching the end of their natural life cycle inside.
I wanted to learn how to live inside of the superabundance of the universe where I didn’t ‘work to earn a living’.
Each of these desires spoke to something really true of my soul. Looking back, it’s quite striking to feel how each one of these desires has been fulfilled when 20 years ago, each one only felt like a dream, where the entire self-help Tony Robbins like phase of my consciousness where ‘You can manifest the life of your dreams’ was no longer anything I had much steam for inside of me.
The dreams felt more and more taunting to me as I couldn’t see where and how I could move towards them. All I could feel was a sense of my life powering down in many ways, and my impulses to protect what I didn’t want to lose kept making me feel more trapped and more in despair of ever realizing these elusive dreams.
It’s an even stranger thing to realize that from the vantage point of 20 years ago, I’m both more fulfilled today than I’d ever imagined and I’m also not.
All of these desires were quite external to my internal world, which wasn’t nearly as in focus at the time. Many of the desires were strategic hopes of not having to enter my personal internal hells to find this imagined external heaven. What life and my soul gave me was a mission much deeper than the one I was superficially, externally, dreamily focused on, and that was to begin to truly feel and heal long avoided terrains inside of me.
Parts of me back then imagined in all those dreams, if I were somehow ever to make them more than dreams, if I actually realized them, that I’d be guaranteed to be outside of a world of deep challenge, of any experience of fears and insecurities, that I’d have life by the tail somehow, at least on my terms. I would be in expansive heart and soul fulfillment somehow. The dreams were like an imaginary world to cycle in, to escape into. In many ways, they felt so safely impossible, that parts of me didn’t actually worry about what it would be like to actually move my life from where I was then to where I wanted to be.
I didn’t really have a travel plan or a relocation plan because I didn’t see myself traversing that gap between my reality and my desires, until I began unavoidably falling into that gap.
I feel many men and women are right there now, falling into that gap, into that primordial void space. We are in deep cycles of death and rebirth, where not only individuals, but also entire cultures and ways of being in the world are reaching the end of their intended life cycles. We’ve received a sobering terminal illness diagnosis that feels quite unavoidable and convincing. Change is coming. Time to prepare, but how?
Where my unhappiness lives in me today is realizing this expectation or even demand that I’d be happier than I actually am was some kind of expectation of being saved or removed from life itself. My soul, and your soul never actually expected that life here in physical form would be free of deep challenges, or immune to unhappiness.
Your and my soul knew then and knows now that the propulsion system and digestive system of our growth always includes a ‘wanter’. No wants, no appetites, no unhappiness…; no real life.
Your and my present ‘skin in the game’ of carrying unfulfilled desires is what makes us interesting, useful and capable of deep joy, reverence and meaning. Without new desires showing up on the shores of your deepest fulfillments to date, you are withdrawn from life and love itself.
The biggest purpose at the core of the universe may be love itself wanting to come to know and feel itself, to unveil itself to itself. If that’s accurate, then you and I, as manifestations and expressions of that love itself, best gear up and ‘fear up’ (in a healthy way) of giving ourselves over to love’s cycle of despair, turning to yearning and then fulfillment and preparing to do it all over again. If love ever decides it has come to the end of its infinite learning and growth and to rest on its laurels, then we can be sure that heaven will be somehow beyond the risks of boredom and atrophy, that have and would surely plague and haunt us at this and previous phases of our consciousness.
I want more. You want more. This connects us like nothing else does. Your and my rewards and fulfillments can’t actually be kept to ourselves. My big piece of the pie doesn’t mean a smaller piece for you. If one of us figures it out, it’s actually figured out and plainly available for each of us. There’s no patent office to file your proprietary and personal claim on your fulfillment, or your ‘life hack’. This is because there is on a deeper level, only one of us in this illusory game of the ever appearing separate self.
Love needed the staging of the sovereign individual, the separate self, a birthing of its own image, likeness and stature, billions of times over, to prove its point that the whole show is a love show, including the deepest polarities and ‘evils’ and ‘devils’ we are faced with.
The despairs, the evils and the devils are all wanting nothing more than reconciliation with love. Every trauma and despair within you is a portal to the more that you are self-assigned here to seek.
The separation fears and traumas are all vital to learning and growth. The happinesses turning to more wanting needs to be factored in. You are this big of a being.
I want it all. I want it for me. I want it for you. I want it for love.
That’s my new desire and dream. I’m looking for more connection with more dreamers. Let’s get transparent with one another. What hasn’t worked? How can that inform what’s wanting to take form now?
What new ways of life and love want to express in this reunion side of the separation equation?
Are you willing to get honest and real? Because until you do, while you’re still part of the game, and love’s game and ever worthy, wherever you are, you’re just kind of boring and uninteresting to me. I’m not really drawn to you. On a higher level, I’m in awe of you, that you’re soul would take on such levels of disconnect and unfulfillment to transmute for love in time, but until this soul turn of reunion turns a corner in you, there’s just not a lot of any kind of a personally interesting game to play with you.
We both ever and only have equal worth and intrinsic value, but we’re just not on the same page. The game of separation and difference and polarity is still here, but only really to stage more reunions, and more learning.
I want to be a part of your despairs and your dreams, because when I’m allowed into that, I’m allowed into more of me, more of love itself, more of the divine’s sacred evolution.
Much love,
Raphael 
For more on my journey from those 20 years ago, check out Jelelle and I’s book: ‘Under The Bloated Banyan – Our Sacred Union Journey From False Light To True Love’ You can read more about it here: soulfullheart.org/underthebloatedbanyan
I’m also posting some longer writings like this one on Medium.com if you’d like to connect with me there. This post can be found here: https://medium.com/…/if-youre-not-unhappy-you-ll-never…
Raphael Awen is co-creator, teacher, and facilitator of the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life. Visit soulfullheart.org for more information about sessions, events, videos, etc.
4:4:4:4 Portal Energy Update: Recognition of Home Frequencies & Patterns/Cycles In Your Life
By Jelelle Awen
4/4/4/4 Energy Update: It is the 4:4:4:4 (4/4/2+2/4) portal today (THAT is a lot of four energy!) and there is really something so affirming of the bigger picture and yet also grounding into the NOW about 4 energies…as represented by the four seasons and four elements (well, and the fifth of spirit).
Four codes can be about following Divine guidance, your intuition/soul wisdom, and then making progress/choices toward that, resolving practical and relationship matters with loving negotiation inside and out.
I also feel there was an invitation with these 4:4 energies to be direct with care, transparent with yourself and others to deepen the sense of trust in your higher heart intuition and Divine guidance as well. Being direct with care is possible as you heal from trauma responses/reactions/projections/triggers that lead to hiding your truth, being indirect, manipulation, passive aggression, keeping secrets, lying, etc. Feeling parts of yourself and soul aspects to heal these grounds allows for transparency inside and out.
4:4 is also about recognizing the patterns and cycles in your life and in your awakening journey…the beginnings, the harvest, the fall/death, and the spring arising again. These energies of transformation are being strongly activated right now…and an invitation to surrender to the cycles of change that lead to profound transmutation at all levels of being. To be in the flow more and more.
4:4 is a recognition of your current home on all levels…in the physical, within your body, in your heart space, connected to your soul, with the Divine, in your relationships. And feeling how you and parts of you feel about the current state of these homes…safe? Restless? Frustrated? Unhealthy? Time for change? Goodness and rest? Groundedness? Uneasiness?
This is also coming out of the Easter passage, offering codes of crucifixion/necessary death/letting go that allows for resurrection with Divine forgiveness and trust….as the Magdalenes seeded into the collective consciousness during that lifetime. There is the template there in the soul family monad around how to BE with inevitable change in a way that allows for the deepest personal growth in alignment with the Divine.
And, all of this is amplified by the eclipse energies and the approaching total solar eclipse in four days. I felt a significant lightening up yesterday in the energies yet there is still something slightly unsettling feeling about them right now…especially with the ‘hype’ and speculation around the total solar eclipse. They can often illuminate shadows in geographies, ley lines, collective energies and within the individual too.
This is a passage to honor whichever phase you may be in right in this moment……WHILE seeing/feeling the bigger picture of your life/purpose/service grounded in the home of your heart and soul.
There is an illumination being offered of inner sacred unions too, the dynamic between your inner masculine and inner feminine energies in hieros gamos deepening….and if they are polarized, in union, in conscious negotiation or playing out unconscious dynamics from parental templating, Matrix conditioning, soul karma and more. This is a key element of deepening the sense of home within.
Raphael and I will be exploring inner sacred union with sharings and a guided meditation in our group call on Sunday, April 7th, more info to join by donation at: https://www.facebook.com/events/792561519447717
Much love to you on this 4:4:4:4, eclipse, and post-Easter Passage,
When Suffering Becomes The Comfort Zone For Parts Of You (Video)
By Jelelle Awen
Sometimes the comfort zone is actually the ‘pain zone’.
Parts of you/soul aspects get used to suffering on some level, in the physical body (illness/disease/inflammation), or the emotional body (post traumatic, depression, anxiety, fear reactions) or the mental body (negative mind set, false belief systems, suffering/shame thought spirals) or the soul and energy field (karmic looping, ‘entity attacks’, ceilings in awakening, disconnection from soul purpose.) Or, in relationships (codependence, being/allowing abuse, flatness/deadness, etc.) Or in ALL of these in different phases and stages.
Pain/suffering is meant to be a temporary ‘warning sign’ and an invitation to use it as a portal of self discovery and healing WITH the Divine. It is not meant to be a ‘finally resting place’ or dimension or frequency for which we can live and thrive, although certainly the 3D Matrix makes it feel like that (which takes many distractions and drugs of all kinds and continuous toxicity to keep barely alive.)
And this suffering actually becomes safe and comfortable to these parts of you. It becomes ‘home’. The only thing they have ever known.
I imagine to the version of ‘you’ reading this right now that may seem strange or counter intuitive, yet I have seen/felt/witnessed this so many times in others and in my own parts, esp when we drop into the consciousness frequency ‘below’ the persona ego “I” voice as we do in sessions.
Parts of you may feel very, very deep down…at a core level…that they do not deserve love. That they are not worth love. That they are not EVER going to truly be free of pain and suffering. That they do not trust that love will ever NOT turn into pain and loss.
I would offer, in fact, that we ALL have parts that feel that way…until we connect with them consciously to feel what has been comfortable for them, the dark places they reside, the void places they retreat to, the medications they use to numb out their feelings (including spirituality).
And there they stay…..in suffering, in hell realms, in karmic suffering loops of unworthiness, shame and disconnect…… until, as our Divine Self (compassionate, non-judgemental, supported, hopeful), we invite them to come into our heart, come into the light, come into safety, come into starting to feel the SEEDS of goodness and love from within. Until we start to consciously negotiate with these stuck parts…there is just no way they can actually shift and move in a lasting and transmutative way.
They will resist. They will come up with excuses. They will go into victim mode/blame, looking on the outside for ’causes’ and for ‘cures’. The inertia to remain in stuckness, in suffering, in pain is SO deep and vast, as it is fuelled by collective consciousness and the Matrix programming/conditioning.
It can be tricky to feel and reframe the excuses into invitations to move into something new and hopeful, something beyond the fear. It can be challenging to track all the diversive strategies that can come up in the resistance to feeling, to healing, to ascending, to embodying your Divine self. To experiencing and receiving LOVE.
I am still surprised sometimes by the resistance that comes up in parts of people to receiving love, to seeing themselves as Love and to becoming love for parts of themselves. Yet, I also understand it and am compassionate about it, as I so felt the same resistance in parts of me for many years and soul aspects too (some of which I share about in my new book memoir with Raphael, Under The Bloated Banyan).
Yet, ultimately, to resist love is not natural and is what I’ve been offered by the Divine is the root cause of all suffering. When parts of you resist love, they are resisting THEIR very essence AS love.
That feels worth repeating:
Resistance to love is the root cause of ALL suffering.
In this brief video that I filmed coming out of Divine meditation space this morning, I offer more about this dynamic within and also a meditation bridge to Divine Mother’s heart lifeline to any parts of you in suffering and supports your Divine Self to be there for them. Inviting these parts of you to join you in Divine Mother’s higher dimensional Sacred Garden space with healing pools. It is posted above.
1:1 and couples sacred session space to feel and bridge to these parts in suffering and make a soul turn toward love are available with me and/or Raphael…more info at soulfullheart.org/sessions
Love,
Inner Sacred Union/Hieros Gamos Group Transmission Call W/Raphael & Jelelle Awen 4/7
By Jelelle Awen
Inner sacred union (hieros gamos) is the awakening of the lovers contained in your soul (drawn from the Divine Union Pairbond source field) and arising into expression in your life, embraced by your heart and contained in your body. Inner sacred union bridges you to the Divine Masculine and Divine Feminine within, the sun and the moon, yin and yang….to find integration inside you.
Hieros Gamos opens up an ongoing healing and clearing of polarized and toxic relationships within you between masculine aspects and feminine aspects. You move into a soul-guided process of unifying polarities that have been more separated within you, in our collective consciousness, and in 3D/karmic relationships.
As you connect to your ‘inner lovers’ this allows for deepenings and openings in the experience of inner balance and harmony, and unplugging from/moving on from parental relationship templates/previous relationship partner dynamics and Matrix relational programming that may have been internalized. Previous hurts, harms, and rejections wounds from previous relationships also come to resolution, completing the suffering pattern drawn on the outside.
This inner sacred union healing ground of initiation then prepares you for and draws (and allows for transaction within) a nourishing Divine counterpart sacred union with a beloved mate on the outside.
In this two-hour group call for men and women on Sunday, April 7th at 5:00pm -7:00pm WEST (Lisbon, Portugal/UK); 12:00pm EDT (New York)….Divine Self Embodiment Teachers/Facilitators/Sacred Union Mates Raphael and Jelelle Awen offer an exploration into inner sacred union.
During this call, we will share about:
– our own personal journeys and process of healing and opening out our inner sacred union expressions both together as a couple and individually.
– We also offer how the Divine Self Embodiment healing process of conscious access to parts of yourself and other lifetime aspects/soul dynamics allows for a deeper embodiment of your inner sacred union as it allows a bridge to your inner masculines parts such as Inner Protector, Gatekeeper and Inner Punisher…and your inner feminine parts (younger such as Inner Child/Teenager to Inner Mother/Crone) as well.
In the guided meditation/transmission portion of the call, we will play our 432HZ quartz crystal bowls and create a bridge to your inner masculine as he wants to show up in the moment and your inner feminine as well. We invite them to attend a ‘dance ball’ and to dance together in the moment if they are ready. During this dance, we open up connection between them and also reveal places that feel stuck or conflictual between them.
Divine guides and sacred union mates Yeshua and Mary Magdalene join us to hold a safe, higher-vibe space for this exploration and offer inspiring transmissions of sacred union love.
Raphael will channel from his sacred masculine mate heart and Jelelle from her sacred feminine mate heart any messages/guidance/codes of support that flow through them for you. We also repeat affirmations/recodings as a group that provide a new coding of inner sacred union experience within you and with your mate.
Here is an inner sacred union guided meditation video from Raphael and Jelelle’s Deepen 2022 video series which we recommend watching prior to the call: https://youtu.be/YVgEANrF6J4
This group call is part of our ongoing Sacred Union w/self, others and the Divine virtual transmission group call series with transmission calls being offered every two weeks on Sundays until the end of June. We will then expand and deepen this in an inner sacred union group call for women on April 21st with Kasha and Jelelle…focusing on the specific processes and experiences for women. It feels like this will allow some polarities to heal between the genders as well and new codings to come in. More info about the series at soulfullheart.org/sacredunionseries2024
We recommend reading/listening to Jelelle’s Free To Be 5D book as a support for this group call. If you donate to attend/receive the recording of this circle, we will send you a free PDF, plus the audio book files in Jelelle’s voice, to take in as a support for it.
You can receive these frequencies live with us (highly recommended) or take in the recording afterwards.
If you attend the live group, you’ll have the opportunity to share with us about what you experienced during the meditation and receive feedback/next steps of integration from us (this is totally optional). Plus, you’ll be able to take in and receive sharings from other women and men on the call, which is a powerful activation of its own!
This group is open to the public and to any woman and man over 18. You can attend the group and/or receive the recording for an energy/money exchange of whatever donation you feel to give (11 Euros/USD is the amount people usually offer us).
You can offer your donation for the call in one of four ways:
1. Our preferred payment platform is Wise if you have that or would like to sign up. It’s instant, zero fee to transfer money between members. There’s a doc here with some guidance and more info if you’d like to sign up. Include your email if using wise: http://tiny.cc/ron3vz
2. If you are Canadian, you can use Interac e-transfer. Our email for transfers is soulfullhearts@gmail.com and account is under Marvin Vriend. It’s also instant and without service fees to sender or receiver.
3. via our shop at soulfullheart.org/shop using stripe (Credit/debit)
4. Paypal at Paypal.me/soulfullheart (include your email)
Here’s a timezone converter: https://www.timeanddate.com/worldclock/converter.html…
New Book Release: Under The Bloated Banyan: Our Sacred Union Journey From False Light To True Love by Raphael & Jelelle Awen
By Jelelle Awen
Today is the day our book baby is born! As we waited for final approval from amazon, we thought it might be on our 15th wedding anniversary on Thursday, and then on Good Friday, yet, it turned out to be Holy Saturday, the day in between Yeshua’s ‘crucifixion’ and resurrection….which feels perfect somehow!
And today is also perfect to release it as Raphael and I are having a sacred marriage vow renewal ceremony together with our beloveds…to name our intentions in deepening commitment to each other and to our commission (co-mission) of continuing to bring our Divine Self Embodiment consciousness offering to the Earth Plane/Gaia ascending for those soul family members who are resonant with it.
Our book called, Under The Bloated Banyan: Our Sacred Union Journey From False Light to True Love, is now my fifth self-published book and my first co-written with my beloved Raphael. This book has had quite a journey to being born in its current form! I first published it with just my writing/my side of the story in 2013, still feeling in some deeper trauma processing around what I share in it about the former cult-like spiritual group and teacher I/we were involved with (for me nearly five years and I was a facilitator of the work as well). It felt just too vulnerable at the time for parts of me while the group was still active and there was still so much controversy and energectic push back going on about speaking out against it from former friends/followers and my former teacher…so I ended up unpublishing it.
Then, I published my story again in 2018, feeling more settled inside with parts of me around the release of it, as the group had been collapsed for three years at that point after members FINALLY woke up to the abuses going on and fired the teacher/leader of it and collapsed the non-profit altogether. I had been able to process the completion with a couple of my former friends at that time, which seemed to help as well.
Yet, again, it didn’t feel quite right timing and easy inside to have my story (which is mostly from actual journals that I kept at the time) ‘out there’ so I retracted it again from public purchase. Both times I felt a sadness inside too as I had received feedback from people that sharing my story in such a vulnerable way touched them deeply and helped them in their own recovery from similar toxic, yet enlightening experiences with narcissistic groups/relationships.
So, then, about five months ago, Raphael and I were guided by Yeshua and Mary Magdalene to write the story of our sacred union journey over the last 18 years, including the time before we ‘officially’ came together while we were in the group. They offered that it would be a deep service to do this for others, the Christ-Magdalene lineage, and for ourselves/parts of us as well, to share it as a template for what is possible for those who have signed up for the Divine union marriage alchemical journey.
Raphael tuned into the parts of him (Marvin and Wayne) who had been through the several year journey shared about in this book, and wrote about leaving a long-term marriage and Christianity for which he received some pushback and his bravery in choosing his emotional healing and his soul awakening over duty and obligation. He also shares about holding the conscious memory of attraction to me and our Divine Union (as sometimes the masculine partner does) and he brought a few attractions to me before I was finally ready to respond to them (lots of emotional maturing to do on my side to be ready of it and him!).
Now, it feels time finally to share this story, which really hasn’t ever been just MY story I realize, which is why parts of me were uncomfortable to share it alone. Now, it includes Raphael’s parallel experiences in tandem with mine. It is so interesting to see how the choices and challenges we faced as individuals seem to constantly mirror each other, overlap and coincide, often entering and dissolving relationships with others at the same time…….until finally we are ready to choose a shared relationship and timeline together.
And, it is still stunning to feel, once we did, how our true and deep and Divinely guided/supported love dissolved ANYTHING false in our world right away. Within three weeks of our first date. We were accused by our former teachers of ‘faking a sacred union’ and of ‘going too fast’, ‘being codependent’…all of which we probably were in the beginning. Still, it was easy in another way to say ‘yes’ to being together and ‘no more’ to the ultimatum thrust on us of breaking up or staying in the group, which we were increasingly feeling had unnamed abuses and toxicity going on.
It is still shocking to parts of me, literally takes my breath away, to feel how quickly and completely our previous worlds (including my home geography eventually!) fell apart and away once we came together. This is often a signature of a Divine Union counterpart bond and also is the good will and genuine care/love/support for each other (absence of abuse, inability to lie to each other) that has been there between us from the very beginnings of our friendship turned romance. This kind of union calls you to be completely devoted to it, inside and out, as you feel how it is your means of expressing service and your soul purpose in the world.
I so hope you enjoy this first chapter/book of our sacred union journey, which we are now feeling to continue into what feels like two more books offered over the next three years. A sacred union trilogy capturing the phases, the ups and downs, the letting ins and letting gos, of what has truly been a bliss mess ride, yet always feeling held in a bubble of Divine love protection and marked absence of traumatic experiences (after the initial ones!)
Under The Bloated Banyan is a title that came through many years ago and represents the ‘bloat’ of these false light/false God groups and offerings that are offered under the banyan tree (the sacred tree where Buddha found his enlightenment.) So many of which offer deep teachings/gifts in their own ways and esp. in the beginning honeymoon stages, and yet are inevitability hijacked by the leader’s unfelt shadow motivations/aspects and the Matrix agenda/karmic field. These false light offerings/teachers are being exposed, disclosed and collapsing more and more as we outgrow the need for them…esp when we dedicate ourselves to healing our birth family/generational/incarnational trauma and engage in integrative shadow work with parts/aspects of ourselves.
Although, truly, this is not a story about ‘surviving a cult experience’…yet, really, it is and has always been, a love story. A love story about two counterparts reuniting again. A love story about discovering our deep devotional love for and with the Divine beloved. A love story about truly coming to love all parts of ourselves and soul aspects too.
You can purchase this book as a PDF on our shop (including instructions on how to read it on your kindle app/devices), or as in e-book and print editions through amazon. We would love to invite you to write a review if you feel moved and guided to after reading and also to share your thoughts, feelings, reactions, resonances with us here, via PM on Facebook, or email at soulfullhearts@gmail.com.
Links to purchase and excerpt to read from the first chapter are here at soulfullheart.org/https://www.soulfullheart.org/underthebloatedbanyan
Amazon link (it is available in all major Amazon markets/countries so go to your amazon country link to purchase): https://tinyurl.com/3xdyaerw
And special thanks to Kasha Rokshana, who helped edit this book and designed the beautiful cover image for it. She has been a true champion and advocate for sharing this story (including the two previous versions!) and it feels like it wouldn’t be happening now without her love and passion for it to be out in the world!
Thank you for taking it into your heart and soul,
Love,
And Raphael’s writing on this release:
“I am one proud papa to have this heart and soul baby born in the world!
Our story begins in a group that we were eventually ‘kicked out of’, but in truth, it was life, love and the divine itself that ‘kicked’ us out.
What we left with, largely unbeknownst to us at the time, was a Christ child, in embryonic form gestating in our bond. We took it from the light side of the egregore/usness of the beloved group we were a part of. It was like a baton that was passed on to us. We also took a great wound with us that would challenge us and lay our hearts bare, and eventually reveal a much deeper calling.
This story is a great revealing for me of a much deeper heart and soul calling to own and inhabit my own calling. I was allowed to feel and experience so much during these four years covered in this book, that I believe will be part of a key awakening for the men and women who resonate, who share this same calling, who share this same soul family lineage.
I truly hope my story and our story stirs deep within you, a recognition of the specialness and uniqueness of your own sacred calling that begins right from where you are right now. It couldn’t be more divinely appointed. That’s how I feel your and my life story.
It would touch me deeply not only to have you read it, but to hear how it landed and what it stirred for you, even better if you could share it publicly, (even anonymously if it’s understandably too much of a coming out for parts of you).
What a gift it is that this baby was born on this day as Jelelle and I had also planned this day many weeks ago as a day to gather with our current closest beloveds for a wedding vow renewal ceremony!
Thank you, Jelelle for your intense focus these past weeks to handle all the rigours of self publishing! Thank you most of all for being with me into where we go now!
May this story touch you like no other!
Love,
Raphael
Healing Sacred Sexuality Experiences In Union And Within Us To Access More Divine Self Embodiment
By Jelelle Awen
Going into our sacred sexuality healing container group transmission call on Sunday 3/3 has brought up a recent process within my soul and with Raphael in our Pairbond union as I/we prepare for it. Our sexuality together has become, now over 15 years together, not just about the act of making love/intercourse etc. or even the ‘goal’ of orgasm. It has deepened into an energectic exchange that expresses physically, emotionally, spiritually, held by the heart that acts as a potent portal to our soul fields.
We call it ‘going into our bridal chamber’ when we transact these energies and it is a safe place where we can be not just naked physically, yet on ALL levels to share what parts/soul aspects are feeling as well. We have held our sexuality together with honoring and tender heart space from our very first sexual experience together, where I shared a letter from my yoni with him so he understood the previous pains/toxicities she had experienced before going deeper to receive him.
Sacred sexuality is not just about physical pleasure, yet also about emotional/spiritual healing as well. It serves the individuals even as it serves the collective too.
In this catalytic year of 2024, we can both feel an upgrade going on in our reunion consciousness together, moving even more out of separation consciousness from so many lifetimes in the 3D/lower 4D matrix of not getting to be together….and into reunion experience on all levels. This upgrade has pushed up some ‘trailing edge/shadow’ expressions of our bond to come up and out to receive love, trust, and response with love.
Our collaboration in creation of and offering of our SoulFullHeart way of life healing process/community has been a ground to sort out separation consciousness and come into more shared alchemy around it. This has revealed trailing edge places of fear of the masculine patriarchy dominance within my soul field experience and compensation for that within his (as the awakening masculines are prone to do this life, trying to ‘make up for’ so much shadow expression that they too were ultimately hijacked by as well.)
The other ground of healing from separation to reunion has been in the bridal chamber exploration of our sexuality. I had been experiencing recently, for the first time in our relationship, pain and tightness in my yoni during our sexuality which was related to moving into deeper stages of menopause. This is very common in women my age as the yoni tissues dry up due to lower estrogen levels. Often this leads to shut down sexuality and no longer desiring orgasms/sexual intercourse/sexual expression, etc.
I started adding to the supplements I’ve been guided to support me right now through this menopause phase specifically to ease this (Vitamin D, Irish Moss and Sea buckthorn oil). I’ll share about the others that are assisting me soon.
They are helping and it is now resolving, yet when it was painful sexuality in the experience with Raphael it pushed up lifetimes of ‘less consensual’ sexuality, which all women have experienced in some form. Not necessarily rape or sexual abuse (which of course so many have) yet what I feel is ‘spiritualized sexuality’ where in lifetimes as a priestess my soul aspects would provide sexuality as a bridge to experience the Goddess. The men who received this initiation through sexuality would then agree to protect the priestesses.
I processed with my soul aspects that this is essentially prostitution in yet another form and a manifestation of the persecution wounding that is so deep in our experience of sexuality (for men and women, both sides.) The temple priestess (esp the Oracle timelines) are rich with this experience, along with the harem lifetimes of ‘serving the man sexually along with many other wives’ as well. And of course the false light male gurus who sexually abuse their usually young female followers are recapitulating this cycle in this life.
I have felt and processed and held space for the healing of this wounded sexuality experience many times in sessions with women over the years and within myself even in this more recent process. These are such tender, sensitive, and vulnerable grounds to go into and it takes time for the Inner Protector/Gatekeeper to trust to open up the parts/soul aspects who experience these things. So very often the Inner Protector shuts down instead the sexual expression and experience (esp as we get older) within us and in the bond rather than open to feel and heal these grounds.
Going into these places in negotiation with our Inner Protector serves to free up our sexuality expression from the persecution wounds, from the shame, from the blame, from the suppression. As our sexuality energies move within our bodies, a vitality expresses and we can reclaim another previously lost and abused fragment of our Divine Feminine power expression.
The Divine honors our sexuality as sacred. The Divine Mother holds space for us to heal our woundings, shame, and fear related to it together and within our own being during phases of sacred singlehood so that we can become a pure channel of its expression and experience again.
We will be offering sacred sexuality sharings and a sound healing/guided mediation transmission from our bridal chamber experiences during this group call on Sunday, March 3rd at 5pm Portugal time/12pm EST which you can attend live and receive the recording. This is not just for those in relationship, yet also those who are single and sacredly healing their sexual experiences.
And Kasha and I will be offering a sacred sexuality group transmission call for women on 3/17 as well. There is more info to offer a donation at soulfullheart.org/events and https://www.facebook.com/events/688766643180972
Love,
A Single Red Rose
By Raianna Shai
A single red rose
Emerging from the crisp cold snow
Its delicate warmth
Melting the icy edges
This is the gift of your sweet heart
Bringing spring’s growth
In the middle of winter
This is why you heal
To transform snowflakes
Into the sweet scent of nectar
You are here for a reason
In the midst of pain and tears
To create miracles within and without
Beloved, you are on your way
Even in the darkest of nights
Your soul shines bright to guide you
Beloved, you are almost there
Each moment of separation
Brings you that much closer to reunion
Each part of you is coming home
To reignite the entirety of who you are
And that which cannot be taken away
A single red rose
Is just the beginning
Of your blossoming garden of goodness
Born from your own fallen tears
~~~
Raianna Shai is a SoulFullHeart facilitant and community member of the SoulFullHeart Way of Life. Visit https://www.soulfullheart.org for more information about space holding sessions and free 45-min intro calls, group calls, videos, community, etc.
Choosing Your Soul Turn
By Raianna Shai
When you enter a fork in the road, you have two choices that lie in front of you. Follow the known, or follow the unknown.
The known is safe and comfortable, full of suffering patterns that your soul has become so accustomed to. It may not be everything you’ve dreamed of, but it’s a straight and narrow path to survival and what you’ve been told is possible in this life. It is understandable and just as sacred to choose this path.
But what if your soul is calling out for something different. To choose something you’ve never tried in any other lifetime. To go behind the boundary of the known and take a leap into the space of possibility.
Many parts of you might struggle with this option. They crave the feeling of safety and knowing everything will be okay. That’s where the bigness of you can hold them and bring them to a place inside that is always safe for them. Meanwhile, you have the freedom to explore this vast unknown.
This choice point can come in so many forms. Ending a suffering loop, shifting a deep relationship, leaving or entering a geography, choosing a new form of alchemy. Each of these comes down to the choice of stepping out of one stream of consciousness and entering another.
These potential moments of soul turn often come to you unexpectedly. A contract that you’ve agreed to for so long has suddenly run out and now it’s time to sign up again, or try something new.
Six years ago I made my biggest life shift yet, choosing to enter into a completely new way of life and start becoming conscious of the family of parts inside me. Joining my soul family in SoulFullHeart was an incredibly soul led decision, yet there was still so much fear and uncertainty about what might lie ahead.
So far it has brought every aspect of soul expansion you can imagine – reunion, separation, joy, fear, love, pain, beginnings and endings. And boy has it been ALIVE. The soul turns I’ve made in these years have been ones I didn’t know were possible or that I would ever even desire. I have become the woman I’ve always wanted to be – less afraid of her truth and bigness, leaning into intimacy in relationships, opening herself up to her own form of leadership, no longer accepting what isn’t enough.
There’s so much more to go as there always is but I’ve learned that the moments I fear the most in this unknown, are the ones that bring me the most gifts in the end – so long as I walk through the fire, and not around it. The more you trust your soul and the divine to catch you, the more you can support your parts and all the fears that reside within them. Magic will happen if you let yourself live into something you haven’t previously known. That is BRAVE and that is LIVING.
~~~
Raianna Shai is a SoulFullHeart facilitant and community member of the SoulFullHeart Way of Life. Visit https://www.soulfullheart.org for more information about space holding sessions and free 45-min intro calls, group calls, videos, community, etc.
Reunion is…
By Raianna Shai
Reunion is a
Wonderfully terrifying
Thing
Shaking the ground
Beneath our
Feet
Asking us to
Unchain ourselves
From the shackles
Of our past
Yet to be
Vulnerably intimate
With it
In tandem
The fears are alive
With a depth of desire
That guides our souls
Through fire and hope
We rest in the
Unknowns
Of falling up
Or floating down
Yet the
Yearning of our hearts
Will guide the way
To a new knowingness
That our time
Together
Has been divinely appointed
And soulfully chosen
And all that we are
All that we move and feel
Has been written in the stars
Since our two souls split
Forever aching to reunite
So here we are
Reuniting
Trembling yet strong
In our purpose
To bring our two halves
Together as one
And heal a deep divide
Reunion is a
Wonderfully terrifying
Thing
~~~
Raianna Shai is a SoulFullHeart facilitant and community member of the SoulFullHeart Way of Life. Visit https://www.soulfullheart.org for more information about space holding sessions and free 45-min intro calls, group calls, videos, community, etc.
Reunion With My Beloved
By Raianna Shai
In just two days, Jasper and I will be reuniting as I pick him up from the airport here in Portugal. We’ve had quite a four year history of ins and outs, together and separate, right next to each other and worlds apart. In the last two years, we have been in completely different countries coming in and out of contact with each other, and even in and out of romantic exploration.
On that day, two years ago, I made a huge, life altering choice. I chose to end our relationship, let go of the dogs that have been in my family years, and move to Portugal to be with my Soulfullheart community. It was not easy, nor did it come without falter or doubt, but I knew in a moment of empowerment that I was choosing myself and my soul. I had to trust that on a higher level, it was right for the both of us, despite how painful the separation felt.
This phase of being long distance has been such a deep time of individuation and self discovery for both of us. I feel now how important it is to have the time to heal enough of your inner wounding and gain a more centered connection to the divine in order to let in something as deep as a sacred union. By sacred union, I mean connection on all levels and consistently working on your own inner world in order to transact together on the outside.
I spent a long time rebuilding myself, finding out who I am now and who I want to be moving forward. I learned so much from sisterhood about how to be intimate, set boundaries, ask for what you need and how to share my heart more vulnerably. I’ve grown more of a center and a deep sense of self in this individuation, though it will always be an ongoing process.
Our connection together has ebbed and flowed over this time as well. We didn’t talk for a while, then needed to for practical reasons. I felt done with the ground that we left our relationship on but my care for him never left. Many times we rode the line of getting back together and entering into a new phase of relationship. But each time I had to say no, or the divine circumstances said no, when it still didn’t feel like the right time.
This last round was different. We started out different. In a much more raw, tender and real way. Sharing our deepest fears, most vulnerable pains, and even our anger and desires. This conversation represented a timeline split of either a deeper goodbye or a new kind of hello. In turned out, it sparked the beginning of a new foundation going forward.
I’m so unbelievably grateful to have had all this time as a single woman to mend the parts that felt broken, to rise into a form of queen inside of myself, and reconcile some of the old patterns and behaviours that existed in our previous relationship. Neither of us moved on, neither of us forgot about each other, and neither of us was ever vilified by the other.
Every sacred union journey is unique and different. For me it took time, creating a relationship with the divine, and creating a home inside that was so safe, no part of me felt abandoned or lost in the dark. Now it’s time to make room for this outer masculine beloved and to start life together in collaboration and exploration! 💛
The attached pictures are the very first picture we ever took together and the very last before I left Canada!
~~~
Raianna Shai is a SoulFullHeart facilitant and community member of the SoulFullHeart Way of Life. Visit https://www.soulfullheart.org for more information about space holding sessions and free 45-min intro calls, group calls, videos, community, etc.
SoulFullHeart Experience 