Day 12, Part 1 of 2 ~ Journal To The Demiurge

Journal To The Demiurge with Raphael Awen

By Raphael Awen

(This is Day 12, part 1, of an ongoing series, to begin at day 1, go here)

Good Morning, Everyone. Isn’t it magical that we get these cycles called, ‘days’ in order to move through this intention? The word ‘journal’ means daily travel, which makes it a journey, or a sojourn. I feel so honored to be here and to be leading this with you all, to have your presence at this round table. The round table feels like a vortex of energy where so much from each other’s realities and timelines gets to heal and integrate, and then to be leveraged into each other’s worlds, exponentially.

There’s like this telepathic teleprompter in our Merkabah that is just so much fun to play with, feeling all the places we can go. In moments, I forget our main intention of meeting with the Demiurge, and then it circles back on its own, somehow. There are just so many new and emerging ways to be with life that I struggle at times to have the patience to allow them to arise; to be more natural around the navigation. Parts of me so want the new now, all of it. I’ve been given tastes of Golden Earth that feel like acclimations to that energy, and that leaves me with an ache, with a deep missing feeling, when my awareness is more tuned into 3D life.

I’ve been feeling lately how simple it is with a mix of willingness and intention to dial up a raising of my frequency. I’m feeling that would be good to do right now. Let’s check into Golden Earth together right now. We can dial up a conference place that has a perfect blend of indoor and outdoor amenities, privacy and whatever else we can imagine as perfect for today. How does that sound?

Martin: It sounds so good, I can hardly stand it. Yes, please.

Arthur: I second that motion, Martin.

Animalea: Perfect. Place and energy is so important. High purposes need high places.

Merlin: Andy and I are all good to go.

Raphael: Okay, I can see we are all in. I’ll ask each of us to close our eyes, to help going inward, at least, that’s what I find helps. No rules here though. I like to also take a few deep breaths, feeling the inhale and exhale. Something about dialing in the source energy that we all do in every moment, but in a more conscious intentional way. I see us reaching out touching hands as we do, and it feels like we have lift off. Feel the ascent. See in the distance a set of gates that make up the grand entrance to Golden Earth. Yours might well be different from mine. Approach these gates with your intention and desire. Now broadcast those desires and intentions to the gates. That makes for the automatic garage door opener. Silently, the gates begin to open.

Feel the domain you are leaving fade in your awareness as Golden Earth tones and frequencies rise into your awareness. Feel all that you can feel and notice. Hear any messages. See any pictures. You may well taste and smell things as well. You have each of your senses here and more. Nothing quite like a little Golden Earth aromatherapy. Trust what you are being given with full gratitude that this is precisely what you are meant to experience. Feel any parts of you who have any kind of reaction to what they are experiencing.

Wow, Okay, I can feel you all taking in big gulps. Perfect. I’m going to let you all go on ahead as deep as you want to. I’m going to hang back just a bit to keep one eye on the door to welcome others in our growing posse, to make sure they feel at home here to.

I’m going to keep talking as you settle in. It’s okay if you don’t track to much of what I’m saying right now. The vibes here contain all the goodies, anyway you let them in.

It’s like almost impossible to feel the dark energy of the Demiurge from here. I can so feel we need to feel this as a reference point. There is no ‘separation from God’ energy here. It just can’t vibrate here. There is in its place, the incredibly rich sensory overload of feeling that you are the Divine. Want to feel your own creative power, just imagine a scene shift of your choosing. I’m fond of the Golden Earth Redwoods myself. How’s that?

Andy: Whoahhhh, Raphael. Can I try?

Raphael: I was hoping you would.

Andy: I’m adding in lions and tigers and bears.

Raphael: Voila, isn’t this wild, Andy? They seem curious about us and each other, and without fear or aggression.

Animalea: I just dropped in Adam and Eve.

Raphael: Oh – my – goodness. Aren’t they something to behold and feel.

Wow, you guys, as we are doing this just now, I can feel how the Demiurge himself knows how to do this, on some level. He made up a story that set himself up as the creator, and denied the created subjects of you and I any of the creative power, in his version of the story at least. He was able to sell this story to enough people and his story became ‘his-story’, as in history, to the absence of herstory. This also aligns with the deal how we co-created the Demiurge subconsciously with our disowned creative power, like we’ve already talked about, how we needed a power to hold our own divinity as a placeholder until we could awaken to it. In other words, we built this beast. This is important to feel, I’m reminded just now. If we created this beast, then it is ours to un-create. Trouble is, it’s all too real, and it can’t shift, unless we do.

This is getting wild to feel, isn’t it? Quite a mind trip for sure. Let me remind you though, that I’m just calling it as I see it. I don’t claim any of that absolute-truth poop-scoop. That’s the Demiurge’s deal to claim the corner on that one, that keeps beings asleep to their own truth. It’s way more fun being in the ‘near as I can tell’ zone.

Now that we’re getting settled, what should we talk about? I don’t like preparing speeches as you know. It’s way more fun feeling what wants to arise between us. I was feeling to talk together from here in Golden Earth anything about our mission at hand in any roundabout kind of way we felt to, or not. There sure is this absence of anxiety here, isn’t there? It takes some reorienting to find your bearings. I think to let each of you check in as you feel to, with whatever you feel to.

Rhodes: My God, it’s hard to find a place to begin, but I feel something moving and like I’m supposed to open my mouth so even I can find out what that might be. I feel this gratitude layer emanating from each one of us. I’d say you were all high, unless I knew better. But then, we are high aren’t we? And we’re not at the same time. It is an altered reality that’s for sure. It’s funny, though, because even the term ‘altered reality’ assumes a baseline of reality that can then be altered. I get from the vantage point here how there isn’t one fixed reality. There is just our reality conditioning. We are imprisoned by the cults of our own making until we realize this. Wow, I could go on, I see, but what I really need to say, is how good it feels to be feeling this with you all, letting in a newer reality. There is one big downside to being a Gatekeeper and that is that you know so much lies beyond the gate, while you chain yourself to keeping the gate. I am so sorry, Raphael, and I need to extend that sorry to each of you here, and to each of you who come by here, for the lockdown of the past. I want to resolve all of this remorse and sail to all that we are being given to see and feel. I want wonder. I want reverence. I want to be awe-filled and awe-ful, and not to be afraid any longer of the unknown more that lies beyond what I can see and not see.

Martin: I was waiting for you, Raphael, to respond to Rhodes, just now, and then I got it. Actually, I felt the words land, as you call it, and it just went swoosh around the whole circle. Wow, this is all so new and so magical, with a bunch of new vocabulary, too. Then, I couldn’t help myself. I had to jump in. I think I floated more than slept last night, yet I feel quite rested. Thank you, Rhodes, for opening this portal to me and my timeline. I’m rested at the moment, but I am also so torn inside. My timeline must be the most complete opposite to this timeline. It is so unimaginable to feel both as real. The Witches are being burned as we sit here while Pope Fart-Ass, and the pedophile Priests preside over it all. Oh my god, it’s all a fucking Demiurge racket where I come from, and we’re not at all free of it. We moved a bit of this in the Reformation, but it so looks like a mere drop in the bucket from where I sit now. I’ve never really seen the Demiurge as the actual deal I’ve been running from, while thinking I was serving ‘God’. I have a whole heap to feel through and sort out.

I so don’t want this dead ‘Luther’an church deal that I see in your timeline. It hurts to feel your growing up story, Raphael, sitting in such a church twice every Sunday, while Andy waited to reach for the stars. Thank the Divine for the holy boredom that wanted something so much more. That I am actually feeling is such a wild feeling in itself, and how easy it is here with you all, in this Merkabah as you call it, to feel. I feel I best pause here. I’ve been known to be long winded at times, but I actually need to go inwards in a really big way. I have parts of my own that call for my attention. One part is feeling I must be completely deceived. Another wants to move in with you all and never look back. I must tend to this inner family, if I am to find any way at all. Mostly, in this moment, I want to say, I feel so much gratitude for it all, and for you all here.

Raphael: Thank you, Martin, so much for feeling here. Who else wants to share? The quiet is okay too, isn’t it?

Arthur: I think it’s supposed to be me to go next, I just was waiting to get a sense of what to say. I still don’t know, actually. It makes me a bit uncomfortable to open my mouth, when I don’t know what to say. I’m not usually stuck for words. Maybe it’s high time I let go of kingly speeches, and instead find my heart. It’s funny though, because people say I’m known for speaking my heart, and they even had parts of me convinced of that to be the case. Here in your presence, however and the energy in this circle, I feel more like I was speaking and relying on some kind of heartful platitudes, I fear. I feel something deeper and I can’t really describe it, and that feels a bit disempowering to a part of me in the moment as well. I can feel this expanded galactic connection to all of you, to each of you, and it feels like a whole new world. It feels like the world has been blanketed with pure white snow for the very first time and I’m being invited to dress appropriately and to go out and play. Then, I feel a deep anxiety that I won’t know how to play, or that you won’t like me. That’s strange too, because I feel a deep love coming from each of you in this moment.

Then I feel like I’ve never been afraid to do battle when duty called, when the deep things that matter the most are called to be defended and protected. But here, with you, in this place, all those battles feel so far removed somehow. These battles don’t even feel real. What’s really crazy is the feeling that these battles originated from inside of me, and only then got their license to play out externally. Like the cat chasing its own tail.

I’ve been trying to feel my own contribution and value to the mission at hand, in this delegation to the Demiurge. Honestly, I couldn’t begin to tell you what that might be in this moment. It’s a disconcerting thought and a really good one somehow at the same time. I’m hoping that just being here and letting whatever this is that is happening, continue to happen will sort me out. As you said, Martin, I can feel I have parts of me tugging in different directions, with different needs, but so far, it all feels like each part is genuinely excited as well.

I hope that I made some sense. Part of me just now, feels I made no sense at all. I think I will return to listening. Thank you, all, for listening to me.

Andy: You made lots of sense to me just now, Arthur. You felt so kingly before, which is cool too, but now, you feel so much softer and even more interesting. We can go out and play in the snow. I can feel your own Inner Child, Magical Child, Starbeing Self, all of them in there, wanting to come out and play. A crown won’t keep you warm though, you need a warm fuzzy toque to be out in the snow. And then, when we get cold, we come back inside for a fire and hot chocolate. It’s like the best of all the worlds.

Arthur: (in tears) Andy, you touch something so deep in me, that so wants to play again. I want to be able to feel and get to know these parts of myself, that are like you. And yes, I’ll be quite happy to ditch the crown for a fuzzy warm toque, with a big silly dingle ball on top.

Animalea: On those notes, I feel to check in, next. It feels so good feeling each of you share here. I so get what you said, Rhodes, about the altered reality feeling. I feel how we all need our realities continually altered and re-altered, so that we can then be with each of those realities, both new and old. I’m also feeling how far removed it feels here in Golden Earth, from the Demiurge’s reality. That reality is real, but not here in this dimension. From here, it feels so far removed. Demiurge, what Demiurge? When you check into Golden Earth, his reality just dissolves. Maybe, we just need to teach everyone how to check into Golden Earth, and then the Demiurge just becomes irrelevant? But that would be transcending a whole bunch, I get that. An instant fix for sure, but one that leaves a whole bunch unfixed at the same time.

Okay, then I’m feeling how none of us actually need any fixing. I feel like I’m channeling you, Metatron, hope that’s okay. I’m feeling how each of us are living perfectly dialed up stories and dramas, that present us exactly with the circumstances and cast of characters that we need to learn our way through feeling school. It all hinges on feeling. Feeling is the paddle to the canoe. Feeling is the rocket booster to your spaceship. Feeling is what takes us from hell to heaven. But, that’s precisely what the Demiurge deal is most bent on. If there’s one thing his entire deal is about, it’s about not feeling. Those Ten Commandments, and his 40 billion year old virginity, all of it is about his own fear to feel. He, like every last one of us pieces of consciousness commute and transmute through life and experience by feeling. Andy, knows how to feel. He can feel sorrow and switch to joy at the drop of an ice cream cone. When I grow up, I want to be like Andy. The Demiurge’s local dimension is 3D, which isn’t a bad ‘D’ at all. We’ve just despaired of 3D, as it has had so much Demiurge projection into it. I’m feeling how, I can bridge to 3D, if I can get to be at home here in Golden Earth at the same time, without transcending any feeling that the Divine wants me to feel, even if it’s painful.

Okay, I just went all over the place too, didn’t I? Feels like that kind of day. If I dial a bit further down to my heart, I feel this huge gratitude layer. It’s so thick, it’s like there’s still a part of me afraid I’ll choke on it somehow, that I won’t be able to breathe this oxygen, and yet, it gently invites me, to trust and to fall back into it.

I know I want each one of you, so very much. I want to do anything as long as it’s with you. I feel like the Demiurge project is as good as any, in the moment, anything that will allow community to form around some cohesion. I don’t want to do life alone. You are each so different than me, and that is like the most exciting. Thank you for wanting me and seeing me like you do.

~ To Be Continued In Part Two ~

Raphael Awen is co-creator, teacher, and facilitator of the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life. Visit for more information about Weekly Sessions, Live Streams, Videos, and Community.

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Day 11 ~ Journal To The Demiurge

Journal To The Demiurge with Raphael Awen

By Raphael Awen

(This is Day 11 of an ongoing series, to begin at day 1, go here)

On the Journal today, we meet my feminine aspect, a magical and beautiful being, ‘Animalea’. This then gets ‘Martin’ outed, as in ‘Martin Luther’, a Metasoul Aspect we’ve known was about to connect with us. Then it’s spending some time feeling a big heart reconnection.

We’re off to see and negotiate with the Demiurge, the Christian god, Jehovah.

You can find the entire series here:

Here is Day 11:

Raphael: Calling all Heart Ambassadors. Good Morning, Everyone. I think I know who everyone would like to hear from today, and I wonder if she’s ready?

Animalea: Ok, that was quick, but, yes, I am ready.

Raphael: Sweet. It’s kind of like group circle and it’s your turn to go, it feels like. How is it for you to be here?

Animalea: I’m feeling really good in the moment.

Raphael: I get that, and looking it too, wow.

Animalea: Thank you.

Raphael: I’m so glad for you to be here. You bring so much, that changes so much, and opens out a whole bunch too.

Animalea: Thank you, that goes in. How is that so?

Raphael: Well, there you go, right there…, just being you, Animalea. As the feminine aspect of me, I’d be lost without you, not to mention, bored and boring. You bring so much that I feel I can’t live without and don’t want to live without, and I sure as heaven and hell don’t want to attempt this Journal To The Demiurge without you on board.

Animalea: That goes in too. Thank you. I must have needed the extra compliments today.

Raphael: Well, let’s check in with the circle. Who would like to say anything to Animalea?

Andy: Animalea, you’re the best, the funnest and the prettiest. I’m so happy you are here.

Animalea: Awww, Thank you Andy. I love you too, so much. I wish there was a million of you to go around.

Raphael: Who else?

Jim: Animalea, I was waiting for you. I’m glad you are here now. As Raphael’s childhood 3D Father, I was so conflicted about women. I see now, that I was conflicted about my own inner feminine. Feeling you here,… so…sensual, and sexual even…, it was still a bit difficult for me to use those words just now…it all feels like such a gift to me, now. You are beauty. And I’m not so afraid of you anymore. And, I’m sorry that I couldn’t know you before.

Animalea: Thank you for seeing me now, James. It feels like time to call you James, if I may? You don’t feel like the Jim I once knew. Is it okay to call you James?

Jim: I’d be honored. James. I like it, much better. Done. Jim was so saturated with old stuff that needed to go, and was ready to go. It’s funny, the irony is not lost on me in the moment, how I used to joke about ‘women’s work’ in my put-on traditional Dutch accent, and today it feels like it is a woman who cleans out my patriarchal closet in one fell swoop. I hope I’m not being offensive when I say that. I was just so messed up around femininity, let alone my masculinity. I’m still sorting it out, and you are helping, Animalea, and this Journal is helping a lot too. Who would have believed back in my day that such an amazing wonder world of parts of ourselves, and Guides, and Metasoul Brothers and Sisters could be real?

Raphael: Perfect, James. It fits who you are today. Much better. Who else wants to say anything to Animalea?

Merlin: I’m so inspired by you, Animalea. Your relationship with Raphael’s beloved, Jelelle, gives me a whole bunch of feminine energy, very divine, in a whole bunch of ways. It’s just such a different orientation to life, compared to the absence of the feminine. I feel like I have you to thank in so many ways for my own existence here in Raphael’s life and beyond. And, I too, am inspired by your beauty, of heart, of soul and body.

Animalea: Thank you, Merlin. We have known each other in many times and places, but the coming together here in this now feels very alive, like a harvest time.

Rhodes: I feel such a relief to have you here now as well, Animalea, in Raphael’s life, and on this journey. I too, feel remorse for my role in keeping you off our radar for the time I did. I’m sorry.

Animalea: I’m sorry too, Rhodes. I don’t think I was ready to come out and play until I was. Sounds like we were both in hiding for our own reasons?

Rhodes: But not anymore…

Animalea: So true. You are a very handsome Gatekeeper I must say, or is it more of a Guide you are now?

Rhodes: I’d say I’m mostly Gatekeeper, but with this Journey at hand, and all this time with Metatron, I’m apprenticing as a Guide as well.

Animalea: Cool, I really love your energy. You could open an outfitter’s shop with the coolest clothes and stuff. It would need a cafe in the corner for all the connecting you’d be drawing to the place.

Rhodes: Yumm. That sounds pretty hot.

Animalea: You’re hot stuff and you got stuff, man. 🙂

Rhodes: So, what shade of red am I turning now?

Raphael: Just a soft pink glow, Rhodes. Suits you very well actually. Feels like you might be drawing a mate soon.

Rhodes: I’ve been feeling that actually, and it’s really amped up being around you, Animalea. You’re helping.

Raphael: Didn’t I tell you Animalea was going to warm up the place? Who else?

Arthur: Feeling all these sentiments here, I feel very warmed up. I’m reminded of the summer night fire ceremonies at Beltane, where we as teenagers were introduced to our sexuality, as we honored mother-god, feeling the flow and cycle of life, flow through our bodies and lovemaking. I feel all of that in you, Animalea. I’m feeling this journey to the Demiurge is a call to reawaken to our sacred sexuality, our sacred humanity, our sacred masculinity and our sacred femininity, all of it. If there’s one thing I feel about the Demiurge, it is that he is very sexually frustrated and unfulfilled. I mean, he could very well be like a 40 billion year old virgin, with all that ‘no sex before marriage’ prescriptions he gave out.

Pardon me, I digress. Let me just say that I feel so glad to have you with us. This changes this journey in a big way. These sentiments towards you here, Animalea, are proof of that to me. I wouldn’t want to undertake this journey without you.

Animalea: Thank you, Arthur. I so remember you, and then in other ways, you don’t feel like the King I remember. You’ve changed. It’s a delight to feel.

Arthur: I wouldn’t be here, had I not evolved, Animalea. And Thank you.

Raphael: Anyone else? No need to rush a good thing…

Martin: Raphael, may I?

Raphael: Ahhh, Martin, please do, and tell everyone who you are. I figured this would get to you.

Martin: Get to me, it has. Thank you, to everyone here. There’s a gratitude layer here so thick, you could serve it with beer and bratwurst. I’m Martin. Infamously known as Martin Luther, for much that I’m not actually proud of. Being invited here to be part of this great journey, and then to feel each of you, is almost more than I can bear. I wish now, Animalea, that I could have known life through your eyes. I wish, Andy, that I could come to know my own Inner Child and Starbeing aspect like you. I wish, Arthur, that I could have been introduced to the mother-god as you were. Merlin, how my life would have been different had I known my Unicorn to take me on tours of the dimensions. I lived a very single dimensional life, with the ‘single personality disorder’, as you call it, Raphael. I’ve got some healing to attend to, and I so feel you all can help me with it. I’m a pretty quick learner, if you’ll all agree to having me join you.

Raphael: Yes, big yes! A big Lutheran Church sized yes.

Martin: Oh, please, don’t remind me. We’re a bit backed up on reformations, but I’m hoping that facing the Demiurge might shift a few things for the church-going people.

Raphael: I so look forward to feeling your input on the mission at hand, Martin. I see you with your scroll of 95 theses, hammer and nails, marching up to the church door, posting your message. We post by electronic mail now, you know, quite the advancement.

Martin: So I’ve been told. And you speak with your fingers, of all things. Andy was showing me his iPad yesterday, and his Minecraft game. He’s promised to teach me how to type. My goodness, what a dimension, not sure I’ll want to go back to my own anytime soon, but I miss my Katrianna already. She so won’t believe any of this, I fear.

Raphael: Ah, yes. Metatron and Merlin should be able to guide you between the worlds as needed. Speaking of Metatron, I don’t think we’ve heard from you yet, Metatron, and I’d sure like to?

Metatron: What would you like me to say, Raphael?

Raphael: You always expand us out in some big way.

Metatron: You’re all feeling pretty expanded out to me already. I don’t feel I need to expand us out any further for today, unless I do that without intending so.

Sometimes, it’s gets old being all metaphysical all the time. Being human, and feeling your experiences, and what you feel, feels so magical from where I live. Spiritually focused humans get all pumped about the higher dimensions. Let me tell you, they get normalized quite quickly, and then you end up wanting the goodness of the lower dimensions that you took for granted when you were there. Or maybe I’m just feeling that way from hanging around you all everyday. Not sure. What I am feeling is how there is all the time in the multiverse to feel it all. There are a lot of things that just can’t be felt in the higher dimensions, and no dimension is better or even higher for that matter. Heaven wants and waits to be dialed into every dimension. Feeling it come into this heart circle is so enough for me right now, and a mission to boot! And Andy! Praise Allah. Christmas in July. Oh, I’m meandering, aren’t I? I’m happy, really happy.

I need to say, Animalea, you especially struck a chord inside of me, today, that I don’t even know what it is, but something is humming inside. Just watching your presence here, your being, and what emanates from you, makes me go want to do my human journey all over again. I think I may have missed a few lessons. Is that possible, Raphael?

Raphael: You’ve been the one telling me that the learning never stops, and that it’s not linear. So, I’d guess that you haven’t missed anything, the divine just saved some really good pieces for now, that’s all.

Metatron: That works for me. I’m lovin’ it. I’m loving Be-ing with you all. Hell, if we don’t make it to see the Demiurge, I’d be okay with that. That’s the way I’m feeling right now.

Hmmm, I said I wasn’t going to get all metaphysical. Forgive me, I feel one small piece coming on. I’ll try and keep it short. Is this okay, Andy?

Andy: Metatron, you’re the best, and you’re joining us at the Golden Earth Baskin Robbins Infinite flavors afterwards, so it’s all good.

Metatron: Okay, good. Now, you got my mouth watering. Where was I? Oh, yeah. We are actually reaching the Demiurge right now, as we speak and feel together. We are reaching into and penetrating his domain. His domain is the domain of not feeling okay to be human. His domain is the domain of real relationality not being okay. His domain is the domain where someone as beautiful and gorgeous and radiant as Animalea, as a feminine being is not okay. His domain is the heavy hand of duty and obligation, and moral code. I don’t feel one bit obliged here today in that way. I’m with Andy. We’re doing what we want to, when we want to, because we want to. How magically pagan and heathen is that?

Just feeling love and goodness, that just is, that wasn’t monopolized, monetized, demonized, politicized or moralized, or, hallelujah, colonized…, is so powerful. It’s the love army of One that contains the All. It’s a currency that flows in a current. The Demiurge deal is over. It’s done. The Divine is just asking us to do some traffic directing and to feel and negotiate some of the particulars around an exit strategy is how I feel it. The Demiurge and his system is simply no longer sustainable. He wants to negotiate his own exit is how I feel it. It no longer can vibrate into reality here like it used to.

Raphael: That feels super interesting, Metatron. Thank you.

Metatron: You’re welcome. I’m done.

Raphael: I’m done to, just about. Jelelle wants to go take in sun codes at the beach soon, so someone’s gotta do that, might as well be me, I guess. But, I will go dual-dimensional and meet up with whomever is gonna hit the Golden Earth Baskin Robbins as well.

I’m so liking the feeling of where we are, so taking our time, so feeling all there is to feel. What you spoke to just now, Metatron, alleviates something in me. Somewhere inside, there’s been a growing question the farther we get on this journey that sounds something like, ‘So, what is it that we’re trying to accomplish?’ and ‘How is it that we’re going to accomplish it?’. I wanted to feel that openly with all of us soon and it feels like you got us started already. I’m reminded of what you have told me again and again, Metatron, that the questions are the essence of the quest, rather than the answers. I always love that reminder. It’s make me feel five years old again. ‘Why Daddy?’ ‘Why Mommy?’ We can not-know our way to knowing. It’s always the best.

What a day! The advent of Animalea! The manifestation of Martin. Jim becoming James. Finding our heart fire.

We best digest up and get ready for tomorrow. Thank you everyone; our new mantra in the super abundant universe that never gets old, thank you.


Raphael Awen is co-creator, teacher, and facilitator of the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life. Visit for more information about Weekly Sessions, Live Streams, Videos, and Community.

Return LOVE in money form: or visit our Patreon page to become a monthly supporter:

Day 10 ~ Journal To The Demiurge

Journal To The Demiurge with Raphael Awen

By Raphael Awen

(This is Day 10 of an ongoing series, to begin at day 1, go here)

In Day Ten, I open out an exciting budding connection with Metasoul Brother, King Arthur of Camelot, into our journey at hand. Join with this growing posse of hearts as we form an ambassadorship delegation to meet with the Demiurge.

Thank you for tracking this series. We’re off to see the Demiurge, the Christian God, Yahweh, or Jehovah, to see and feel what we are ready to see and feel together…

Here is Day 10:
Raphael: Okay, ready to rumble, everyone? Let’s roll. I’m feeling like a rockstar! A star in my own universe!

I’ve had some bigger connections with Arthur yesterday, outside of our dialogue here in this Journal together. King Arthur is a beloved Metasoul Brother, and I have both been waiting patiently, as well as with some trepidation, for a deeper connection to arise between us. Well, it arose in a big way and he has agreed to share here, at my request. So, I feel, with no further ado, to ask you to share. Arthur?…

Arthur: Raphael, and also to this great company of hearts and soul. I thank each one of you for allowing me space on this journey with you. I feel so deeply, deeply, honored. I feel a little awkward, however, having the opportunity to share here prior to Animalea sharing. Raphael, you have referred to her, and to what was an all-male circle before she was acknowledged and invited in. This deeply stirred another awakening for me, that our round table in Camelot, as treasured as it was; one of the reasons it came to an end, was the absence of women in our circle. There was a way that each of us as men, were still afraid of our own inner feminine and this was reflected in our no-girls-allowed, boys-only club. So, I’d like to say that I will gladly be delivered my own nervousness of speaking here in this moment and instead be given to hearing from you, Animalea, if you would so relieve me?

Raphael: Animalea?

Animalea: Ahh, King Arthur, I am just settling into hearing from you, and my heart is stirred already by your words. I shall be more ready to share here once I have heard your heart speak.

Raphael: Looks like it’s back to you then, King Arthur.

Arthur: Okay, then, and yes, I shall look very forward to hearing from you also, Animalea.

This is what I felt through to share with you all today. I have been a King, though, recently, this came to mean almost nothing to me. It felt like more of a curse than a blessing. I found myself in great despair with Camelot in ruins and our round table circle of men, that is legendary in your timeline, is but a heartache in mine.  Dispersed to the four winds and seemingly gone forever; until Raphael and Rhodes reached out and began bridging to me. Living with the remains of so much gained and then lost was more than my heart could bear. I closed myself down to my own multidimensionality, trying to minimize my pain, so it took some doing to bring me to this place of being able to be here with you all.

Raphael’s story this life and choice points of actually leaving Christianity, after being so fully in it, is what I was not able to inhabit. This was also a big part of the downfall of Camelot, and my very much beloved circle of brave hearted men. I was always plagued with having one foot in Christianity, and the other foot out of it at the same time. Raphael has helped me to heal my own judgment of myself for allowing this to persist. Hearing Raphael’s story, being taken in so deeply here in this circle, has penetrated my aching and sleeping heart, and renewed a dream in me that lies yet unfulfilled.

Feeling Raphael’s heart, I can feel what might be described as a radar technology that still lives in this circle, that could never be destroyed, that yet connects us, and even invites us out of our despair, as it has me so recently. I honour your preservation and desire of these bonds, Raphael, and acknowledge what you described with your former friend, Rene, as well as with your sacred friendship with Gabriel in your present timeline. I also honor, Raphael, your sacred journey with Mar-yam, as it holds so much reflection and digestion of my relationship with Guinevere. As Raphael and I discussed, something needed to die in order for something larger to be reborn. That something larger is a greater mystery than the former one, and I feel like I still haven’t solved the former one, but I shall be happy now to continue the quest. Everything in its time feels like good medicine for the moment. It just feels so good to have this connection with you all. Again, thank you for your pursuit, Raphael. Thank you, Rhodes, for your holding of the space for this access to all of you. Thank you to this great company. I especially honour this intention at hand. I know that I have things to resolve inwardly and outwardly with the Demiurge as well. I best pause here. I’ve spoken so much more than I thought I was ready to.

Raphael: Wowwww. Get used to the new normal I guess! Now, you know why I’m feeling like a rockstar. Thank you so much, Arthur. Your presence and heart energy comes as a long awaited boost to the energy field here. Thank you for every one of your acknowledgments.

I feel to share a bit as well about our connection that unfolded, so recently. Since the first time I saw and read depictions about the ‘Arthurian Legend’, it always struck a deep chord in me. More recently, I could feel that Arthur was a Metasoul Brother. Letting go of the trap of trying to claim that I was him in a past life and instead simply getting on with the undeniable resonance between us is what the Metasoul picture offers. I began to consciously welcome Arthur into my awareness as I felt each of us calibrating to each other, though there wasn’t conscious communication between us at first. Later came more desire to continue to open up the access points between us. Rhodes, as my Gatekeeper, played a key role in this as he and I felt the risk and desire points together that reconnecting with Arthur would bring us in this timeline.

Such a big one for me is the passion for connection with heart open and passionate men. Arthur, I feel, holds a strong energetic, like he said, a radar, maybe you could even call it a ‘bromance energy’, where men leave their lives as they know them to be a part of something they can’t stay away from. In this way, he and I could simply no longer remain apart, and needed to again bridge our timelines to see where that would take us.

It was only yesterday that I felt a big piece of the breakthrough with Arthur, that Rhodes and I felt ready to let in. A normal afternoon was punctuated by a surprisingly large internal sudden change in the weather. I felt like crap at first, but knew this wasn’t directly mine. I knew it was time to check in directly with Arthur. The access with him was now easy and ripe, and I found him in deep despair, as he said. Our connection immediately brought an awareness, that we discussed and felt together, how the Camelot timeline actually didn’t fail at all, but actually succeeded in all that it was meant to and in all that it could in that time. It was meant to be a powerful seed that falls into the ground and dies, and comes back to life, to bring forth much fruit.

Arthur and I also digested the personal pieces together about the absence of women in the round table. We felt together how this was something that had to be, given the circumstances of his timeline. We also felt how we are actually able to carve out a new timeline now, on his end as well as mine, by leveraging each others’ timelines, all the way into ours here in this circle.

One last final piece we digested together was how the oath of the round table was doomed to eventually come to an end, rooted as it was in moral code, duty, and obligation. Duty and obligation served us for a time to take us to this time that is upon us now, a time led by our deepest and most sacred desires. Arthur and I agreed that we would feel into and write a new sacred oath for the reemergence of the round table that is in alignment with what is true now.

I may look calm on the outside, but I’m jumping up and down on the inside.

Rhodes, a huge thank you for this! Merlin, thank you for the magic spell that opens these portals. Andy, thank you for keeping it fun. Animalea, whom I trust will be talking to us very soon, thank you for the sacred feminine keys to find our way back to the always unfolding alive masculine.

Metatron, I feel to ask you to close out today, if you will. What’s stirring in you?

Metatron: Thank you, Raphael. Thank you, Arthur. There’s a whole lot of gratitude flowing today, and it feels so right, given what we are being given.

I need to pause a moment to see what I shall say. Sometimes the moment needs few words, or even none at all.

I do feel to backlight what is happening here with these words, if you will bear with me. What is happening here today is a taking responsibility for the multidimensionality that we each have; accepting and acknowledging it. Then we are moving beyond that acknowledgement to feel what it is that we are doing with that multidimensionality. Being in a higher frequency, does not mean it is automatically a more benevolent frequency. Many times, we find that the higher dimensions are as equally stuck in unresolved conflict as they are in your more familiar 3D. Hearts and souls at all dimensional frequencies are in need of awakening to The All that love is.

The Demiurge himself is a higher vibrational being. We could not gain access to him without opening out our multidimensionality. Beyond that, however, we need to open our hearts to the love ambassadorship that wants to flow from us, if we desire to be a channel of real change. This doesn’t mean trying to have exchange without boundaries, as if in some misapplied idea of unconditional love. We are feeling through what our conditions are, and how we can face the Demiurge, while respecting the law of free will that exists for every piece of consciousness in the multiverse. Each piece of consciousness is a piece of love returning to love, in an expanded way from what it was at the outset of its journey. The Demiurge itself is one such piece of consciousness that is all contained by love. Accepting this, we are then invited into where our own power lies; into our own choice points; into the power of own free will. It all begins and ends with us.

This is what I feel rumbling inside of Arthur, and my god, what a rumble. It’s time a real kingdom of real power arose in men’s hearts, not ‘power over’, but ‘power with’.

Any more words than that, Raphael, would miss the mark I fear.

Raphael: Okay, I’m going to pause it here then and let all this digest. This party is getting started in here. Stay tuned all.

Raphael Awen is co-creator, teacher, and facilitator of the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life. Visit for more information about Weekly Sessions, Live Streams, Videos, and Community.

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Day 9, Part 2 of 2 ~ Journal To The Demiurge

Journal To The Demiurge with Raphael Awen

By Raphael Awen

(This is Day 9 (Part 2 of 2), of an ongoing series, to begin at day 1, go here)

Today’s episode tells the story of three separate encounters with Christian Pastors where I shared with them that ‘I no longer held Jesus as my personal saviour,’ which is of course tantamount to blasphemy to everything that is holy and sacred for a Christian. I wasn’t trying to be prickly. I needed to own my truth.

Thank you for tracking this series. We’re off to see the Demiurge, the Christian God, Yahweh, or Jehovah, to see and feel what we and he is ready to.

Here We go. Day 9, Part 2 of 2:

Metatron: I so can feel that peaceful Merkabah suspended out in space that we are having this meeting in at the moment. It’s like an instant retreat center, with infinite dial-a-setting options. Right now, I’m seeing those tall evergreens holding the space for you that day on the hiking trail when you chose to let go of every bit of your life that couldn’t make it through the bottleneck and portal of your own arising truth. I’m feeling you should keep on with your story, Raphael. It’s an incredible story. I even know it, and yet, I’m on the edge of my seat for you to share the rest of it.

Raphael: You’re all like the best audience imaginable.

Metatron: Why settle for anything less?

Raphael: My feelings exactly! If anyone has any guides that aren’t as sweet as you, I say, go looking for some new ones.

Metatron: Your story, Raphael, is forming the groundwork here. It is inviting people to feel the uniqueness and profoundness of their own story. You, or parts of you, rather, for so long, were not able to see the deeper uniqueness of your story. Other soul aspect parts of you, like Rhodes, could see it and get messages to you through the fog, including the Christian fog, the Demiurge fog, and the fog of 3D in the 21st century.  Each stage was necessary and sacred, just like the present one. My sense is that as you continue to share your story, from your comfy seat here in the space Merkabah, it will unfold the pieces of grist we need to feel and see to face the Demiurge soon enough. He’s not quite ready yet for us either for that matter. And I’m feeling, as you mentioned, there’s Martin, Arthur and Animalea that want to be in on all this yet too. All that can unfold naturally as you share.

Raphael: Wow, Okay, let me see where this wants to go today. I’ll see if I can dial in all of the precious gift of your curiosity and allow that to alchemize a direction.

So, I believe we left off with me making this declaration to my world, and allowing both the unpredictable, and the predictable chain reactions begin to happen.

One of the first things to unfold was a routine contact by the Family Pastor from the church Mar-yam and I had been attending, after he heard news of our separation. I actually saw Pastor Frank in the early mornings from time to time as we both shared an extra early morning penchant for empty Tim Horton’s coffee shops. He called and asked if we could meet, and so we naturally chose the same coffee shop, where we had seen each other, but had never sat down together. It was easy speaking with him, being a kind and caring, softer, genuine man, well suited for his role in a large church. He was direct to reach out after hearing the news, and got right to the point, asking if there was anything he could do to help. Thank god, he spared himself from telling me that I was deceived and going to hell, as that was so not his deal. I got right to the point as well, feeling I needed to. I took in a deep breath and told him that I no longer held Jesus as my personal savior, in those words. He got it all, the short story and the longer story. He could feel my sovereignty speaking and simply acknowledged my choice, and we wrapped up the conversation amicably as he invited me to contact him further if the need arose.

Another similar meeting occurred a year or so later, this one by chance, in another Tim Horton’s coffee shop, with me stopping in mid day, where I bumped into ‘Pastor Nelson’. Mar-yam and I had been a part of his church for a time as well, decades earlier. We had become quite close, being in the leadership team of his church, and even going in together on a home building project when he was building two homes for his daughters and their husbands, as he was also a former contractor. Catching eyes with him in that moment, I knew he knew my story. News like that would travel in a matter of days and it had been over a year.

As we sat down and wobbled around some very uncomfortable small talk, I knew I needed to lead with my truth. I changed the subject, and said ‘Nelson’, deliberately not using the ‘Pastor’ title, as that had always annoyed parts of me how Pastors hid behind that, “The truth is, Nelson, I no longer hold Jesus as my personal saviour”. He scrunched up his face as if he had a demon spirit confronting him and said, “I’ll pray for you”. I get it, on one level, how big of a kick in the gut this would be for him, and yet, it took me everything I could muster to not tell him to keep his prayers to himself. Nelson could project a warm fatherlike energy, and that was part of what had drawn me to him, given my dad wounding this life. But he also was very protective about his true feelings when you got close to him, always focused on ‘building the kingdom’ or some other such rhetoric that covered an untouched burgeoning mountain of depression. He wasn’t interested in hearing another word of my story. I knew I needed to not sit another moment in that energy, so I wrapped up and left, a little annoyed, while at the same time feeling the gift in this synchronicity for me, to declare my truth, now a year out into this choice.

You get into Christianity by a public confession of your faith, eventually through a baptism focused church service. There is, however, no comparable exit strategy or ‘sacrament’ of observance should you choose to leave Christianity. I knew the universe and the true Divine was giving me the equivalent in its own way and time. A sacred service of declaration, acknowledging a death and rebirth.

I knew tons of people who’d left Christianity, but never heard of a single one making any kind of declaration they were no longer a Christian. Even though I didn’t have any conscious struggle with being outside Christianity, it must have been that other parts of me still needed these moments. When I say, parts of me, I can feel that was true for parts of me related to this life, as well as other lifetimes, in my Metasoul. I can feel a rumble in you, Martin, as well as in you, Arthur, as I share this, and I so welcome your feelings and thoughts as we go.

There was yet one more such incident that arose eight years or so after leaving Christianity, and this one involved the very Pastor who had baptized me some 33 years prior. This day, I was doing a small repair paint job in a country area, not far from where I used to live. Oddly enough, the few hour paint job I was working on was a call out by an insurance agent’s repair service to paint a wall and a door that had been cleaned up and repaired after a man had killed himself. I had to actually fill the bullet hole in the wall prior to painting the wall. Needless to say, I was feeling a bit surreal.

Luckily, I had my big blower fan with me so I could power dry everything and get my second coats on and be done with the erie assignment. Parts of me definitely found solace in the focus of my contracting work as the one outer thing that survived my big life changes. I noticed as I was leaving the job that day, a large enclosed swimming pool area, that had fallen into disuse, exactly like the ones small churches would borrow to host baptism services from time to time. I stood there seeing such a gathering for a moment. Baptism in Christianity is all about death and rebirth through identifying with Jesus’ death and resurrection, symbolized by immersion in water and arising from the water. Death and rebirth. Here, at this house was a big reminder of both, through someone’s literal taking of their own life, as well as this covered pool.

I was glad to know of an out of the way, small, but very quaint, country home-style cooking soup and sandwich place not far from there, where I felt to go to shake off the weird feelings of where I’d just been, as well as to linger a bit longer in the area that day, before making the hour and half drive back home, now living in North Vancouver. Being back in this old geography from my previous life was a big deja vu, that felt good to feel, to take a moment to let in who I was now, and who I was becoming. Surprise. The multiverse had one more piece that day.

The place was mostly empty and I chose an out of the way table after ordering a hearty soup and sandwich. As I was almost through a great lunch, who walks in, but Ron and Bernice, the founders of the chandelier swinging church where I’d been baptized, where Mar-yam and I had met, and were soon married by them. Ron and Bernice both had significant health challenges by this time in their seventies, but were always known as energizer bunnies, keeping on, keeping on, for Jesus, and the gospel.

Mar-yam and I’s first big mission trip overseas was with them, as graduates of their Bible School, to Hong Kong and then on to the Philippines, where they continued to serve in a missions and evangelism role associated with our church and a number of others. I finished my sandwich having gone undetected by them, but knew there was no way I was going to be able to exit without engaging as they sat right next to the door.

Instead, I worked up my nerve and walked directly to their table. “Marvin!”, Ron exclaims extending his hand, as Bernice is getting adjusted to the surprise. Ron soon asks in his usual upbeat evangelistic demeanor “So, where are you attending church these days?”, knowing full well my story. It’s not 20 seconds into the conversation and I’m again repeating the familiar line. “I no longer hold Jesus as my personal saviour,” I said slowly as I looked at them directly and openly, feeling decades of life and story fold into this moment.

Bernice surprised me for the first time in these kinds of conversations by asking, “Well, then, how do you see Jesus?” seeming even a bit curious. I gathered myself and said, “I still feel a deep connection with the divine and I see Jesus as a dear ascended teacher.” Now, Bernice’s curiosity dried up and she responded with an incredulous look on her face, “the divine?” Part of me could so feel what she was biting her lip from saying, ‘Sorry, pal, wrong answer! It’s ‘God’ you are talking about, and ‘Jesus as saviour and Lord’ or it’s to hell with you and all your kind’.

Rhodes: Could I interject here, Raphael?

Raphael: Go ahead, Rhodes, sounds like you already are…

Rhodes: I so wished we could have just told them in their nice Christian bullshit faces to fuck off.

Raphael: There wouldn’t have been anything wrong with that, Rhodes, except a part of me at the time had the upper hand of not wanting to appear to them any more demon possessed than they were already assured I was.

Rhodes: I get it, we had enough on our plate.

Raphael: Well, we can still send them a heart open ‘fuck you’, as long as we acknowledge that we love them and are them at the same time, as we are all one ultimately, even as we need others to differentiate from at the same time.

Rhodes: Fair enough. ‘Fuck you’, Jesus sellers! I needed you, and I must still need you, or I wouldn’t still be feeling some of this anger. Thank you, Raphael and solemn witnesses. I needed that.

Raphael: It so takes what it takes, Rhodes. I don’t want to deny the anger we feel with a spacious oneness picture. The shit pile they are selling is a shit pile, born out of deep self unworthiness and internal unfelt agony. Until parts of them are willing to feel and admit any of this, there can’t be any movement to real healing, or escape from the Demiurge’s reign.

So, that wrapped up that conversation that day in the quaint countryside, as I continued my reminisce on the longer commute home that afternoon, digesting one surreality on top of another. Funny, this would definitely have qualified as a ‘divine appointment’ testimony for a Wednesday night service, back in the day. I’m sure, Ron and Bernice shared their end of the story of bumping into me with several others in the days ahead.

I’m still able to dial in easily the internal feeling reality of what we sometimes as Christians called the ‘knowing that you know’ feeling; that the Christian reality really is thee reality, thee ‘absolute truth’, while feeling not a single conscious doubt of anything to the contrary.

Ron and Bernice were classic ‘lifers’ in this way, but so was I, until, surprisingly, I wasn’t. It was a few-year slow-motion surprise, but a surprise nonetheless to parts of me. I can feel too, several other lifetime trajectories of being an ‘all in’ Christian, as in the red letters of Jesus in the new testament, ‘I am the way, the truth and the life, no man cometh to the Father, but by me’ variety, and using that superiority to slam people with, and to hold my sense of self together. My parts and I needed to feel our own remorse for all this, each in our own way, and time, for participating in the harming, as well as being harmed.

But, I’d also say, Rhodes, that we were messengers to Ron and Bernice that day, humble servants of the divine, seeding to them a lifeline for when the Demiurge’s deal really falls apart even for amazing die hards like them. And the open-hearted, non-superiorizing ‘fuck you’ we just sent them etherically, we trust will be a part of love’s face-to-face no-bullshit reality as well, for whenever they are ready to be moved by it. They were actors in our life story, moving us into our next places and they had a final scene to wrap up a chapter, for this life that is. I see a great coming together where every last one of us from Hitler to St. Theresa will debrief the roles we played and the reasons why.

Metatron, can you tell me why it felt important to share all this stuff about renouncing the Christian Jesus?

Metatron: I could, but you so got this. I don’t want to steal your thunder.

Raphael: Okay, I’ll give it a go. It’s just that my head is spinning a bit, reliving all this. I’m sure, my head is needing the spin, or it wouldn’t be what life is giving me now.

What I was able to realize in all of this is that life was asking me not to just wander quietly out the back door, hat in hand, to a few people’s disappointment, but instead to claim an exit, just like how I entered on my own volition, steam, and claim. I needed to exit in the same way that I came in, by declaration and choice, and at a price as well. There were other lifetimes, that I can feel in my Metasoul, where I fell short of owning my own truth, and felt so much remorse and regret for letting myself wallow in the grip of the Demiurge system, and for where I allowed others to suffer where I could have opposed, or even possibly relieved their suffering. This life definitely had this backed up pressure to go all in, and then bake in the fog just enough to alchemize the ejector seat, and then pull the trigger, just as soon as I was ready. The ejection though wasn’t fully complete the day I decided to leave my marriage and the faith. It wasn’t complete, the day I told it to Mar-yam. It wasn’t complete the day I spoke it to any of the three pastors I just told you about. It’s not complete even today.

Maybe, it’s never complete, in any kind of final sense. None of us are home till every last one of us are home. Ron and Bernice are equally as important and loved by love itself, and necessary to love self-realizing itself, as me, or anyone reading this story. I know I needed the journey through Christianity, through the Demiurge’s all too real reality. I needed the struggle of leaving, and of owning my truth as it unfolded and I still do today. I need this struggle to return to face the Demiurge now. It’s not easy, but it feels so worth it.

Merlin: What’s the worth in it, Raphael?

Raphael: Somehow, I knew you were going to ask that, Merlin, wanting me to feel this a bit deeper, thank you.

Let me see what comes.

While there remains the tiniest bit of consciousness that is unawakened to loves fullest and widest domains, be it in a person, place, or thing, including the Demiurge, then there is a way that none of us get to fully be in love’s domain.

The worth I am in pursuit of is of my own self interest in the most truly selfish kind of way. This is the magic of love…the more you get for yourself, the more there is for everyone else.

This is what I couldn’t see and feel for so long this life until I could and this changes so much. This is what my Metasoul lineage has also been up against and is now awakening to. I feel Martin and Arthur awakening to this now, and that speaks of great things to come.

This is what opens out the relationality pieces that kept tripping me up this life. The days of pretense for God finally get to be let go of, really let go of. I get to know and feel heart open real relationships with other men. I get to know and appreciate and partake of feminine beauty in myself and around me too.


And beyond that, Merlin, I can only imagine what lies ahead in terms of the worth that awaits our experience and embrace.

Merlin: Sounds perfect to me, Raphael. I am so glad to be your unicorn, Raphael. Too many other people just don’t want to learn and grow and explore like you do, at least not yet.

Raphael: And I’m so glad to have a unicorn, let alone, you as a unicorn. I feel like I know the tiniest percent of you.

Merlin: And that’s the cool thing. Percent doesn’t apply anymore as in parts out of a hundred. Infinity has no measure, just feelings and experiences. I’m guessing we’re all about ready for the surfing lessons experience, and the cute instructors. My goodness, Animalea is warming things up in here. I’m just warning you all, I can’t be responsible for everything she might say or do, with beaches, sunsets, surf, and beauty.

Raphael: Yes, please, Merlin, take us away for now to all the beauty we can bear. Animalea will help us out a bunch with that. She always does. We’ll rest up and continue on soon. That was big today! Thank you all to all those dialed in, for your desire, your angst and your dreams. May they all come to the light of your love.

Raphael Awen is co-creator, teacher, and facilitator of the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life. Visit for more information about Weekly Sessions, Live Streams, Videos, and Community.

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Day 9, Part 1 of 2 ~ Journal To The Demiurge

Journal To The Demiurge with Raphael Awen

By Raphael Awen

(This is Day 9 (Part 1 of 2), of an ongoing series, to begin at day 1, go here)

Raphael: Another Day, People, or BEings. It’s not so easy coming up with one title for all of us, and we’re getting larger in numbers, too, as we go.

I know, you are soon to be introduced to Martin, as in Martin Luther, our Metasoul brother, from the 1500’s. Then, we got a taste of King Arthur, from Camelot, another Metasoul brother, who I had some very sweet feeling exchange with earlier today. There’s also Animalea, my feminine counterpart, who just might steal the show altogether.

It did feel a bit strange feeling how up till now, we were an all male team, so I’m glad Animalea got invited. I will leave it to her to share when she’s ready to, while extending a very warm welcome toward her.

Not that long ago, I was reading Carl Jung, who felt that all men have an inner feminine part, that he called ‘The Anima’, and that all women have a masculine part, that he called ‘The Animus’. I no sooner read that, and Animalea burst on the scene. She’s a big part of the reason that Jelelle and I work out so well, in a number of ways. Quite uninhibited, is how I’d put it, in the moment.

So, we have all that to look forward to. I’m feeling as we go, how all of this is part of the opening and access to meet with the Demiurge. We find the Demiurge inside of each of us, with each part of us, some in alignment, others in opposition. We also encounter the Demiurge with each of our Metasoul Aspects having their own distinct relationship with the Demiurge.

This is a forming delegation to meet with the Demiurge. I haven’t used that word ‘delegation’ yet, but that word carries the energy of what I’m feeling. A delegation is a body of individuals who are authorized to represent a larger body. In our case, we are downloading an implicit authority that exists in the Multiverse, is how I’d say it, that we have sufficient self-worth to claim and embody that authorization.

The larger body, that we seek to represent is the human race, and even beyond that, to any and all other beings that have felt an unresolved relationship with the Demiurge.

For most of these people, there is probably an anger at the suppression they feel and have felt coming from the Demiurge. I’m already feeling that key to gaining access with the Demiurge will be a willingness to feel our side of the co-creative responsibility for the Demiurge’s existence. By that, I mean, feeling how each of us used the Demiurge as a scapegoat to hold our own divinity until such a time as we were willing to hold it for ourselves. Being saddled with holding everyone’s disowned divinity would eventually make anyone an asshole, in my opinion.

The suppression coming from the Demiurge however, is not Okay. That is a central message of this delegation, that we will not negotiate in any way or stand for any longer. On the other side of the coin, we cannot expect that us telling the Demiurge that he is the embodiment of evil, that he is separated from love, and that he stinks basically, is going to move or shift anything.

What I’m feeling in all this is how we have some more homework to do, to get ourselves ready to carry out this delegation, this ambassadorship. A key piece that I feel deeply in my bones is that there is only one source of All There Is and that is thee All. The Demiurge is not the source of All, but he is contained within the All. This is the same thing I feel about myself and everyone of us. Each of us are hopelessly and inescapably contained by love, no matter how much of the dark we seek or need to embody in our awakening journey. I feel this as the restoration of all back to love.

This is why I am able to rise above the fear of attacks or repercussions from the Demiurge, in undertaking this assignment. He is only one aspect of love’s reflection and duality. What I do feel a healthy fear of though, is the idea that we are going to cleanse the world of evil in some epic spiritual battle, a ‘we/they’ kind of separation. This is a battle, but the battle exists inside of each of us first, and only then, gets its license to play out externally.

Our interface with the Demiurge will be one from the inside for each of us personally who are willing to make that bridge real, and then for each of us, the war inside simply comes to an end. As more and more of us choose this, and walk this out, the delegation spreads to more and more sovereign individual souls, and eventually, the reign of the Demiurge naturally fades and loses ground as is already happening. This delegation is something that has been a long time in coming and has been coming. We are simply riding a wave prepared for us. Let’s acknowledge that we are surfing a wave of heart and passion and ache that wants to manifest.

Each person who wishes to make this their reality will have to walk this out internally, and then follow suit externally. Each person will have to come to terms with their own disowned divinity, that they pawned off at the Demiurge’s Five And Dime chain depots that our planet became known for. To do that, and as they do that, each person will become fluent with their own Internal Punisher, their own disembodied opposite gender aspect, their own unacknowledged Metasoul Aspects to fully realize their own freedom and Heaven On Earth reality. The Demiurge without is a manifestation of the Demiurge within.

Ok, wow, so I had some things to say, I see. Thank you for letting me go off.

Andy: I like the surfing part, Raphael.

Raphael: Yesss, we could so use a beach for today, maybe this afternoon, Andy. You can get the boards waxed and find us a cute instructor. If there’s one thing the Demiurge doesn’t know and longs to know is how to actually have fun. Keep that in mind while we are formulating our plan of how to approach him.

I felt so much relief in the last Journal entry sharing the big piece how I finally said a profound ‘No’ to a faith, a completed marriage bond, that had become a bind, and an entire social world built around that. As I shared that piece again, with all your sweet attention and love, there was some more to feel from the intensity of the birth canal passage that was, that I couldn’t feel all of at the time. In this way, we are ‘re-membered’ with each part of our selves, as we are ready to. These parts of us need and want to be felt as we revisit our stories.

I feel expanded out just writing these words, catching up with, yet again, a new reality of a deeper embodiment of my own divinity, my own infinite largesse of being that life and love and the universe and the multiverse is holding space for me to feel. That’s a pretty grand self image, I know, and I apologize for none of it. It’s the same image I see and hold for every one of us. We’re all as great as anyone can imagine, and then infinitely more. It has a whole lot to do with the Demiurge that we haven’t been able to see and feel that for ourselves. Our religions and spiritualities and institutions and the cults of our cultures all speak of an intense opposition to all of this greatness. We, are, however, moving out of the phase of our consciousness where less was enough, and are moving now into the realization of The All, the true infinite more that we are, that no false humility can any longer suppress.

Only the truly great, can embody true humility. Only the truly selfish can embody any kind of the selfless. Only those who are the first partakers of love can have any to spare.

Okay, wow, sometimes, Metatron, It feels like I’m channeling you, without giving you the credit…

Metatron: And, how perfect is that?! We are one, and we are only separate and distinct while we need to be. It’s the best of both worlds. And don’t think I don’t get my fair share with you mimicking me, I so do. I want to be like you, when I grow up.

Raphael: Cool! What else would you like to say, Metatron? Where are we on the unfolding journey to the Demiurge?

Metatron: We need to be aware that we do have the Demiurge’s ear. He is aware of this delegation and is feeling our approach. Each person reading and feeling this journal, present and future, is expanding this delegation. The Demiurge, like our Higher Selves, doesn’t exist in 3D time constraints of past, present and future. And there’s no hiding in these higher dimensions either.

Raphael: Wow, the parts of me conditioned to 3D, don’t get that all the way, but they’re working on it. Thank god though that I have parts of me conditioned to this layer of reality, or I wouldn’t have been able to have this entire learning journey in 3D this far, and now expanding beyond.

I feel this peaceful centered feeling right now, with a whole bunch of possible directions that we could go in today, going outwards like spokes on a wheel, and the peaceful feeling is too good to lose by getting worked up about anything, even as in choosing a direction today. I may need your help, or maybe you weren’t done yet, Metatron?

~ end of part 1 ~

Raphael Awen is co-creator, teacher, and facilitator of the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life. Visit for more information about Weekly Sessions, Live Streams, Videos, and Community.

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Day 8 ~ Journal To The Demiurge

Journal To The Demiurge with Raphael Awen

By Raphael Awen

(This is Day 8 of an ongoing series, to begin at day 1, go here)

Raphael: Good Morning Demiurge Team, and maybe it’s time to say good morning to the Demiurge as well. I’m feeling him listening in. He didn’t get called Omniscient and Omnipresent for nothing. “Good Morning Demiurge, Thank you for tuning us in, we hope to be at your doorstep soon”. There, how’d I do?

Andy: That was perfect, Raphael. I don’t know how many good mornings he has, but it felt good to wish him one. Maybe, he’s a really sad guy underneath a whole tough-guy skin?

Raphael: That’s so true, Andy. We really don’t know how he really feels about anything, do we?

Andy: I don’t think he’s ever had any real fun, like with the best food, or sex, or visiting new and exciting places. He always seemed to be too busy policing the world and sacrificing animals, and even sacrificing his own son. That’s some pretty weird stuff. I wonder how he really feels about all that now?

Raphael: We are so going to need to clear our minds and hearts of all the stuff we’ve thought about him up till now, and, like you say, Andy, begin to wonder about what it really feels like to be him, in his skin. If we are going to effectively create an ambassadorship to meet with him, that is…

Andy: I don’t think he has any fun. If he did, he wouldn’t be so angry and unhappy all the time. He wouldn’t need people to be a certain way to make him happy. But, I don’t know for sure, that’s just what I think.

Raphael: How are we going to have fun today, Andy?

Andy: Let’s all jump on Merlin, and let him take us back in time to where we are in your story. And maybe he can find us an ice cream shop while we’re at it.

Raphael: Perfect! Merlin?…

Merlin: Yes, there’s a Golden Earth variety of Baskin Robbins that has infinite flavors without any duplicates. We can all go there. I usually dial up a meadowy forested one, if that works for everyone. We might need the trees and the earth today.

Raphael: Sounds perfect, Merlin. While you get us settled in there, with some comfy seating, I’ll find my heart and my place in the story.

Yesterday, as I was digesting all this with some yoga stretching, I felt tears come. I’m so glad to be fluent with my tears now in life. Yesterday, they felt like love from the Divine for the version of me and all the parts of me who walked out this journey, and who is continuing to walk it out by wanting to go full circle and see where this journey still wants to take us. It’s like, we can’t ever know, and that’s what makes it truly an adventure, to see what wants to ‘advent’ on the calendar of new horizons. Thank god for Andy’s innate desire for adventure and exploration that helps me see past all the too serious adult stuff.

Okay, then, back to my story. When I was at this point of being on the last legs of my faith, my marriage and my social world, all at the same time, I didn’t know how any of it was going to play out. I just knew I so needed to follow the trail, and take the next step, and that I couldn’t live with myself not to follow the trail. Sometimes courage comes from just feeling the regret and remorse we would feel if we didn’t make a choice in line with our deepest heart, the kind people commonly speak of on their deathbeds. None of the options are easy, but one is definitely more rewarding in the long run and addresses any and all possible future regrets.

Early in 2005, the year it all went down, after a particularly busy work winter, Mar-yam persisted in the idea of us going to a resort for a week’s vacation. Part of me was so into ‘getting ahead’ and wanting to tame expenses, that I resisted the idea till the last minute. Finally, I gave in and we went for a week to a resort in Puerto Vallarta, Mexico in March of that year, being more ready for a break than I realized. It feels weird to tell this piece of the story because, as I sit here, telling it, in the first few days of 2018, it’s almost 13 years later. I’m sitting on the opposite side of that same bay in Mexico where we vacationed back in 2005 and can see the distant lights of that same resort in the predawn light. Isn’t it weird how life synchronizes things to help us feel what we yet need to feel?

We arranged our time at the resort with every other day being a chill day at the resort and the other days being a guided tour somewhere. Mid week, on one of our resort days, I woke up feeling unusually emotional. Something was catching up with me, but I couldn’t tell what it was. It came up some more as we sat in the lounge chairs on the beach feeling a bit loosened up with the all inclusive pina coladas. As we ordered some lunch at the poolside later, I literally ended up crying in my soup, tears streaming down my face and landing in my soup bowl. It was weird because I couldn’t tell what I was feeling so emotional about. I tried to not look too conspicuous, but also knew I needed these tears, even if I couldn’t feel what they were about. Little did I know that they were about letting go. Mar-yam and I did have a good time, in the managed goodwill we had together, but it was also conditioned upon not talking too deeply about the writing on the wall that neither of us wanted to face.

It was just a couple months later when that one sentence from Mark, my business coach, ended up being a spiritual and emotional surgery for me. “Did it ever occur to you that a part of you has a very good reason for feeling that way?” were the words he offered in response to my question about how to relate to depression and performance. I knew it was now time to open myself to feel everything there was to feel, to no longer resist feeling, and I also knew that I was inclined to not feel at the same time, that there was a lot backed up, waiting to be felt. I knew I needed help.

I asked Mark more about the spiritual group he was a part of, thinking that him and I were about to part ways. He offered me the book written by the groups founder, Daniel Barron, titled curiously enough, There Is No Such Thing As A Negative Emotion. I could feel the book was a part of a stepping stones, going on place somehow. It was, after all, a book some years earlier that had led me to E-myth, the business coaching company that Mark was now leaving.

When the snow got off the mountains that summer, a group of friends invited me to join in on an ambitious day hike. I so loved my hiking trails around southern British Columbia and Northern Washington. I usually enjoyed my own company the most, but decided to join in on this big hike all pre arranged by others. When the group on that sunny perfect day decided they would go on to one more big vista after lunch before returning the way we’d came, I saw my chance to stay behind alone for a few hours. I had a whole wilderness campground to myself and found a choice site surrounded by tall evergreens to hold the space for me to feel what I knew I needed to feel. I rolled out my sleeping mat and settled in.

Rene, one of the close friends in the group that day, strangely had kept his distance from me, yet relievingly at the same time. I needed space. We had been on a hike with the two of us some months earlier where I found my courage to ask him about what felt like a growing distance between us, and the struggle to talk about what we really felt. He let me finish and simply replied, “You’re the one who changed, Marvin”, as he returned to the trail. Marvin is my birth name that I went by at the time. Rene was right. Marvin was changing faster than even he could keep up with. Rene wasn’t wavering at all from the course we met on. We met in Bible School. We raised our children to be dedicated Christians. We both traveled regularly to be a part of missions endeavors. Rene had even become a fellow painting contractor following in my steps, and a good one at that, crediting me as his mentor. I could subcontract work to Rene in busy times by sending him the job specifications in the fax machine and then forget about it until the check arrived. He was just that damn reliable!

He and his wife had built a house on our street two doors down from us to be close and share family life together. When Rene saw me working on a yard project, he put his own aside and joined me, loyal to the core. Rene let me know that day, however, on that hike that his loyalty stopped when it came to the kinds of change he could feel I was toying with. He was interested in me as a friend because he felt I was the kind of person who’d stay the course, for the worthiest purpose on the planet, one that wouldn’t change with a bit of mid-life turmoil. I felt torn. Where else would I ever hope to find a friend as faithful as Rene?

As I lay there on the mat, I knew intuitively that there wasn’t anyone interested in making the kinds of changes I was about to make, including Mar-yam. Many of them hadn’t budged on any of the smaller changes I had made along the way. I knew the choices I was entertaining now were the end of my social world as I knew it going forward. I’d had plenty of time to scope that one out. I’d barely found the courage myself to follow my own heart. I couldn’t expect them to be ready on my schedule to join me now.

I knew I needed to do some big internal business that day on the trail. I knew I needed to choose. Wave after wave of tears came as I chose to let go of my 23 year marriage laying on that mat, using a spare t-shirt to dry my face. I didn’t know when, or how, I would walk it out, but I knew the order of the day was to make a solemn choice, and to begin to grieve the loss, in the serenity of that wilderness, alone, but yet held by love, and a grace, and those super tall surrounding space-holding evergreens.

My mind went first on to my girls and imagining their pain and confusion. With Rachel at 19, and Avonlea soon to be 16, this tore my heart open to feel them enduring the news I would sometime soon be dropping on them; the news I had so convincingly told them as younger girls that they would never hear from me.

Rachel and Avonlea always were a great joy to have and to raise, both fully expected and waited for. My own inner child got to be a kid again with them and may even have resisted them growing up in some ways with all the fun he got to have with them. Mar-yam and I let our lives naturally revolve around the girls in many ways,  and we wanted it that way. They simply were one of the greatest things about life.

When Rachel was seven and we were telling Rachel not to use some word, as it was bad language, she got inquisitive as she had heard us talk about the difference between ‘swearing’ vs. ‘barnyard language.’ vs. ‘taking the Lord’s name in vain’.

“So, Daddy, is that a swear or a barnyard language?” she asked. I answered as directly as I could, and her next innocent words were, “So, Daddy, tell me all the swears, all the barnyard language, and all the Lord’s name in vain words”, as she climbed up into my lap, expecting clarification. I took a deep breath and proceeded to be the first one to tell her the main bad words, along with a fitting seven year old’s definition for each, including the word ‘fuck’, figuring she best hear it from me first. It felt very strange getting that word out of my mouth as I hadn’t let that word pass my lips in about 13 years, nor did I expect I ever would again.

Avonlea was different from her sister, seemingly efforting fitting in less, and coming up with more of her own version of who she wanted to be. One day, she enterprisingly came home from school with a completed report she had done on foxes that she was quite happy with and proceeded on her own to go knock on some neighbors doors to offer to read it aloud to them for 25 cents if they were interested.

As they grew up, neither Mar-yam or I did the super-strict thing with them, and deferred to being more open and relational rather than having intense rules for them to follow. When they were young, we did practice spanking from time to time, without anger, which ended abruptly one day, when Rachel stuck her finger in my face and said as defiantly as she could, ‘You can’t spank me, I’m twelve!’ She had a point. This was getting old.

Their lives had by now come to revolve around their friends, school and boyfriends, but a part of me so wanted still to be there for them in every way I could. I had looked forward to whom they might marry one day, knowing those men would be a significant relationship for me as well, as I had never raised sons.

My mind went next on to my parents, how would all this land in them? They’d been married forever and would be ‘till death do us part.’ How would they file all of this?

Then Mar-yam. After all these years of being easily and naturally together with deep commitment, without any big outward crisis to make this somehow more justifiable…….I’m going to be doing what?! I could so see and feel the incredulous looks that were going to be coming from close friends and family, and worst of all, from Mar-yam.

Truth is, a part of me didn’t know who I was outside of those roles and totally feared being in life without those roles and sense of identity. That had been true for a few years now, as an older auto-pilot setting that my life was stuck on was getting more and more backlit asking for my attention. It was Mar-yam who admitted, while stopping for lunch on a day trip into beautiful Washington state together one fall day a full couple of years prior, “Let’s face it, if we were choosing partners today, we wouldn’t choose each other”, seemingly more ready to talk about the quiet, but growing differences between us. Parts of me were just so not ready, until they finally were, to face my own truth.  

Whooahh, you guys, how’s all this landing in you? I’m a little self conscious feeling how I’ve never really outed this whole story like this before in one fell swoop.

Andy: I’m like on my 8th ice cream cone, Raphael, but I’m having a great time. You story tell better than any movie I’ve been to. Some of this I didn’t even know, feels like.

Merlin: I think Andy speaks for all of us, Raphael. The setting is magical here and the realness of your words and heart and experience so outdoes any story I’ve ever heard.

Metatron: You say you feel a bit self conscious, Raphael. Can you feel what that’s about? Maybe you’d like to speak to that before going on?

Raphael: Thank you, Metatron, for the invitation to feel. I feel in this moment a reverence for the parts of me who lived through all these stages of life, of entering and leaving one context and relationship after another. In a very real way, you could say all of our lives are about ‘entering and leaving’ regardless of our belief system, or how open or resistive we are to change. What we miss out on though is the opportunity to feel. We tend to not feel while we are in it. We tend to not feel when we story tell about it. We tend to not feel when we photograph it and try to schedule it for feeling later somehow. I feel all these parts of me now seated in the time-travel theater of my own life captivated with both the courage and the fear, the movements and the stuck places, and all of it opening out into a big curiosity about the magic of my own life; how much I know about it; and how much I don’t know about it, to this very day, that awaits my deepening reverence.  

To the journey at hand, to meet with the Demiurge, I feel how my devoted relationship with ‘God’, was about needing him to hold my own divinity like in a safety deposit box for safekeeping until I could awaken to it, come to see it and become responsive to it, come to terms with it. I feel this is the same for every last one of us who holds a piece of consciousness, be it an object, a thing, an animal,  a person, an Archangel or a Star BEing. We are all getting comfortable with being divinity, at different stages of consciousness. We are divinity out divining. Something must be a placeholder for our reverence till we are able to hold it for ourselves. What we revere, we fear. We need to fear ourselves in a really good way. We need to fear settling for something less than we set out for. It isn’t a competitive world where there is only a few winners. In the world I live in, everyone gets to win, if they are ready to. Everyone who wins enhances the chances for those around them to win as well.

I so needed the Demiurge to hold my own divinity that I wasn’t able yet to recognize or hold. As I story tell, it feels like I said, a time-travel into a feeling theatre, where I can not just hang around in the past, but actually rearrange the furniture while I do. I can sit in admiration for the me who made the choices I did. I can feel the me who even chose to come here to live this life in the first place, who dialed up many of the story lines that I needed to walk out. I can feel another me in other dimensions and times who wasn’t able to make the choices I made and is watching and feeling intently.

I can feel that Mar-yam and I have had many such soul-story playouts that needed to come together this life again, how in this third dimension, they are arranged into past, present and future, but in a higher dimension, they are all unfolding in one present now. Even though I haven’t had contact with her in 3D for a decade or so now, it is also true that we are inseparable, while being distinct at the same time, needing this journey of separation.

I can feel Rene and I, in another dimension, sharing seats at King Arthur’s round table in Camelot and how each of us can readily recite the oath from memory: “This is the oath of a Knight of King Arthur’s Round Table and should be for all of us to take to heart. I will develop my life for the greater good. I will place character above riches, and concern for others above personal wealth. I will never boast, but cherish humility instead. I will speak the truth at all times, and forever keep my word. I will defend those who cannot defend themselves. I will honor and respect women, and refute sexism in all its guises. I will uphold justice by being fair to all. I will be faithful in love and loyal in friendship. I will abhor scandals and gossip-neither partake nor delight in them. I will be generous to the poor and to those who need help. I will forgive when asked, that my own mistakes will be forgiven. I will live my life with courtesy and honor from this day forward.”

We are so much more multi-dimensional than we’ve realized, but we are awakening to it now. Possibly, and this ‘possibly’ feels very important to feel into as we approach the Demiurge, we simply were not ready, and the universe itself was not ready, for us to enter the deeper bliss and infinite magic of our being, and so we co-created the Demiurge to hold the polarity and the reticence until such a time as we were ready, ready to feel.

The universe is asking me to feel myself as I relive experience, Metatron,… thank you for asking. I can feel the round table of my own parts who make up any and all human beings wanting and needing the sacred space of being initiated into a right-of-passage place of invitation to ongoingly simply feel. Isn’t that the point of all story, to feel, and then to be moved by what we feel? None of us needs to look any further than our own stories. It is our own stories that offer us the most to feel.

Metatron: Okay, Sounds like you felt the self-conscious feeling and it moved right on through, yes? 🙂

Raphael: It did.

Metatron: Well, I’m curious what happens next?

Raphael: Now, you’ve got me curious, hah! Life took off in some very surprising directions about that time, that became a lot to just ‘be with’. It was like life was getting me ready for what was wanting to come.

Let me see what scenes are playing in the theatre in the moment and I will do my best to recall and feel them as we do. Thank you all for your sweet and ongoing interest. From a little boy, a part of me loved having as much attention as I could possibly handle and you are all stretching me on that note at the moment!

So, around the same time as that fateful hike day, I’ve quietly ordered this book written by the founder of this group Mark was a part of. I knew this act alone was a turning point. The title alone, There Is No Such Thing As A Negative Emotion, struck a nerve, and the words called me deeper into my own awakening of my emotional body. I read the book through, feeling opened out deeply as I did. When I finished the book a few days later, I emailed Mark and asked him to help me find a facilitator in the work that the group offered so I could enter this new world deeper. I then turned the book over and began reading it again from the beginning. I’d read tons of books in Christianity, and some outside of Christianity, but this so felt like light years ahead of anything I’d come across.

This so makes me feel, guys, how in life, we are always in process between entering and leaving. We are always preparing to enter a next phase and preparing to leave a soon to be previous phase. None of us are outside of this. Even when we feel nothing is changing, and you can’t see a stitch of change on the horizon, just the act of you feeling that, of either wanting change, or resisting change, or thinking there is no change happening, is what facilitates change. Our lives are always in a continual state of change. We could say life is change. It feels vulnerable to feel that.

Nothing that parts of us are attached to are guaranteed to remain. This though, brings us to the best part. When we feel how we have what we have, without any guarantee of it remaining, we are invited to feel deeply our own hearts, our own feelings towards that thing, be it a treasured thing, or an unwanted thing. Every thing is wanting and waiting for our hearts.

It also makes sense that each of us only has so much capacity in the midst of change to feel what we are able to in that moment. I think this is why we got onto taking pictures and videos, knowing there was more feeling to be done later, that we couldn’t access in the moment.

As I share my own story, I can feel how I’m being invited to feel this bigger picture that I couldn’t feel at the time. All story is designed to get our hearts to come out and play.

I’m wondering in the moment if part of me is stalling a bit on telling the next piece of my story, waxing a bit philosophical instead. I’m coming down to the place of telling Mar-yam that I am leaving our marriage bond.

Those were the words that I picked up from Eric, the facilitator from Mark’s group that I connected with from Ashland, Oregon. The work the group did was called ‘ESH’ that stood for ‘Emotive Subself Healing’. The word ESH alone, I knew was enough to be off putting to my world around me, as confirmed soon enough when Mar-yam passed along to them the group’s website.

Each next step I took was moving me closer to acting on the choice I made weeks earlier in the wilderness surround of the tall space holding evergreens.

Ashland, Oregon, proved to be a very unique place. It was like it was literally from another planet. At first, I might have saw it as a bit hippy, but as I spent time in the town, the restaurants and coffee shops, people watching, I saw the world through some very different eyes. You probably couldn’t find a more polar opposite than my hometown of Abbotsford, the church capital of Canada.

One of Mar-yam and I’s closest couple friends were missionaries from the Philippines, whom we’d spent time with there. When they heard from Mar-yam where I was that weekend, they told her about the ‘dark principalities and powers’ that were over Ashland, Oregon, that they felt every time they drove by it most summers on the highway doing their annual mission church tours.

The people there however didn’t feel demonized at all to me. Quite the opposite. They felt real, open and curious. The children out in the vegetarian restaurants with their parents felt like creatures from another planet. Soft, bright, free. I walked through the parks, did some clothes shopping, and found places to rollerblade. A Mcdonald’s restaurant had opened some time back and was forced to close. The people here were into real food.

Mar-yam called to check in with me that weekend. She knew something was up, something big. Our conversation was abrupt and matter of fact. Part of me was so not interested anymore in her cautions or her inquiries. As I drove the ten hour drive home that weekend, I knew the time was now. As I pulled off the freeway for gas midway, I called Eric, to tell him that I was going to be ending it with Mar-yam when I got home and asked him how he felt about that. He replied “I trust it, Marvin. You are following your heart for everyone involved.” I knew to ask for support when I needed it.

I arrived home mid afternoon that fall day, five days short of our 23rd anniversary, pulled up in the driveway, left my suitcase in the car and went inside. Mar-yam greeted me and I asked her if I could talk with her. We sat down in the living room on the new couches that were positioned opposite each other, that we had purchased soon after a recent renovation. Tears came as I began to simply tell her that I was no longer willing to remain in our marriage bond. What a surreal feeling, like pulling a trigger in slow motion, that ends something and starts a chain reaction of other things. Mar-yam responded with a more stoic ‘I knew it’, part of her seemingly happy with her accurate intuition as a way to deflect from the pain of the moment. The conversation was short and soon moved to the need to tell the girls. Before the day was out, we sat down with Avonlea, who listened thoughtfully, and said, “I can do this, as long as you don’t get all weird and be at war with each other”. Mar-yam and I had been so prone to not have conflict over the years, that some deeper conflict would probably have actually been a healthy thing between us. I was surprised though to feel how easy she took this news. I slept downstairs that night in the now spare bedroom as Rachel had just left for nursing school across the province two weeks earlier. I called my parents that evening and told them, along with my brother and sister. I needed to act. I needed to choose. I needed to take responsibility.

It felt strange but somehow doable at the same time to move out, having been offered a bed at my brother’s house for the moment. I knew this was permanent. Mar-yam asked to go for a tea a few days later where she tenderly asked if we could try and work things out. I said ‘No’. She asked ‘why?’, and part of me defiantly answered her, and everyone else who was energetically in the room, along with the Demiurge, “Because, I don’t want to, that’s why!”

I was breaking up with duty and obligation. I knew if I was to ongoingly succeed at finding my own heart, I’d need to ongoingly part with duty and obligation. Mar-yam accepted my declaration that day as final and we soon got underway with separation logistics, that were able to be managed easily and with mutual respect.

Later that same week, of all crazy things, Rene’s elderly mom died, and I was naturally invited to the funeral. I knew attending that funeral would only be more duty and obligation, and that he and I’s heart were close in an old way, but not in the new arising way that was happening for me, and parts of me. It felt strange responding to the invitation to say that I didn’t feel close in heart to be able to share in his grief.

In the work I was doing with Eric, I was journaling with and getting to know a part of myself. The first part I worked with, I called Wayne, after my middle name, who held the tones of depression. I simply couldn’t take Wayne back into the flames of a burning house for any more of the proper type duty and obligation reality when he and I were sharing and feeling real heart tones and deep tears moving between us. At the same time, I couldn’t begin to guess how Rene and his family could file this as anything else but deceived behavior. Mar-yam had already said that she thought the connection I described in my journaling with Wayne was with a ‘familiar spirit’ and that I was fast falling for the deception that we’d been taught against all of our Christian lives.

Some weeks later, Rene asked to go for early morning breakfast as we often did in the past. It was clumsy, with nothing but the inertia of a now dried up past between us. He told me he respected how I handled the financial separation with Mar-yam, and that touched a part of me, again feeling the deep code of respect between us. Finishing the last few bites of breakfast, I found my heart and through precious tears, said that really all there was left to feel and acknowledge was the pain of goodbye. It felt so good to finally feel what felt real in real time. Love for me. Love for my parts. Love for other. We wished each other well, left the table and went on with our lives.

What Ice cream cone are you on now, Andy?

Andy: Lost count, Raphael. I lost count.

Raphael: Wow. Did you save some for me, because I could use a triple about now, sugar-free if you have it?

Andy: This place has infinite supply, you should try the Rocky Rhodes, it’s to die for…

Raphael: Too perfect, I’ll take one scoop of that, another of the Magic Merlin, The Unicorn, and one of Metatron’s Metaphysics. I’ll pause with that for now and maybe someone feels to wrap this up for today. Thank you everyone for being the best audience on and off the planet!

Merlin: Whoah, Raphael. I almost don’t want to add anything for fear of disturbing this awesome feeling space. But, I’d like to say how I feel how that, were it not for these evolutions of your life, and these choice points, we wouldn’t be here, connected in heart and purpose. I feel like I am very much a part of your round table, Arthur, I mean, Raphael. And I’m very glad to be with all of you, my fellow brothers in this galactic Camelot.

Metatron: Dang, you said that well, Merlin. I will not do myself the disservice of trying to improve on it. I did however note, with your words about our brotherhood, that somehow, we ended up as a team of all men? I move that we call on the multiverse to gather us an opposite gendered being to join us for this worthy journey as soon as possible.

Andy: I know just the one. I vote for Animalia! She’s a ton of fun and she’s our very own in-house feminine.

Merlin: Yes, and who knows, there’s maybe more sleeping beauties and Queens Of Hearts, that have a thing or two to resolve with the Demiurge, that we all need to feel as well.

Metatron: Totally works for me. I’d be so honored. The testosterone level has been getting a little high in here.

Rhodes: Thank you, Raphael. Thank you everyone. I loved feeling this part of the story today. I know I wouldn’t be here if you hadn’t made these epic choices, Raphael. I look forward to feeling Animalia’s input going forward too. She is like major hot stuff though, I just need to warn you, in a good way.  I feel us taking all the time we need to feel all there is to feel in approaching the Demiurge. I feel him, feeling himself as we are approaching.

Andy: Ten-four everyone. Until next day. Please leave by the exits and don’t forget the speakers.

Raphael Awen is co-creator, teacher, and facilitator of the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life. Visit for more information about Weekly Sessions, Live Streams, Videos, and Community.

Return LOVE in money form: or visit our Patreon page to become a monthly supporter:

You Are A Timeless Creation


By Raphael Awen


News Flash: 1 percent of the New Year has gone by already, as of this minute, 3:36 pm local time, today, January 4th.

We speak of making time, spending time, wasting time, killing time, doing time, bending time, and on and on the list goes.

Time is something made up by us, being the creators we are. That we, as individual and collective consciousness, can do whatever we want with it, however we want, is my deepening suspicion and curiosity.

We tend to like to stack it up linearly, into ‘past, present and future’ as that seems to serve a mutually agreed upon need that we have to relate to time. We needed something to blame for a while until we are ready to step into the next place of our soul bigness.

I don’t have the time. I’m not young anymore. Time is money and money is time. Time marches on.

When we get some space from this need to play victim to time, we feel how consciousness itself is projecting itself into the perception of time, albeit by our choice and willingness to participate in it, even if it isn’t a conscious choice on our part.

Consciousness, however, can just as easily step outside of time, as consciousness itself exists outside of time. It can do time, or not do time.

Instead of managing time, planning your time, and using time, why not take an imaginary step outside of time, where your soul dwells and resonates? You can access all time possibilities from this place.

You are a timeless creation, playing with the concept of time for soul reasons, with all the seriousness of a child at play. Take your time.

Happy New Year everyone, and now, on with the other 99%… 🙂


Raphael Awen is co-creator, teacher, and facilitator of the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life. Visit for more information about Weekly Sessions, Live Streams, Videos, and Community.

Return LOVE in money form: or visit our Patreon page to become a monthly supporter:

SoulFullHeart’s Monthly Money UPdate for December 2017


By Raphael Awen

So, wow, It’s not only month end, it’s year end too, and what a time to take in a big deep breath of satisfaction for an awesome year, and take in another big breath for all the desires for even greater things in 2018, including relocating to Europe!

A few months back, we began to share a monthly transparent financial update for SoulFullHeart Way Of Life. The intention was and is to welcome those who’d like to be a part of our financial unfolding. We would be mega-delighted to receive your donation over Paypal or monthly support over Patreon.

We had our largest money month ever (in our recent three year timeline, since leaving Canada)! And none of it was for outside on-line work gigs this month, other than Gabriel and Kalayna’s regular English teaching. We can so feel and sniff the arising timeline of where all of our revenue is SoulFullHeart Revenue, even phasing out the English teaching. Speaking of which, total SFH revenue this month tripled from 3 months ago, and made up almost half of our total revenue. These are all encouraging signs of change and shifting timelines for us.

In other good news this past month, we had a feeling of abundance to be generous in Christmas gift sharing, which was well beyond the previous three years. Jelelle and I also got new iPads as well. Things are looking up!

A BIG and exciting intention we have for this year is moving to Europe before May (or sooner if Jelelle has her way) – all five of us and 2 dogs, and whomever else might be joined with us when we do! We see the Glastonbury area of London as our first landing pad.

Here’s a look at our money flow for this month: December, 2017. This is for the 5 of us as well as SoulFullHeart expenses.

(all figures in US Dollars)

$4,609 – Total Revenue for December – a three year record!

Total Revenue breakdown as follows:

$2,407 – Gabriel and Kalayna’s English Teaching through VIPkid, up a bit, but mostly because of a favorable exchange rate.

$2,202 – Total SoulFullHeart Revenue broken down as below:

$1,877 – Payments for Sessions have tripled in the last three months.

$63 – Group Call Donations for our one Group Call this month.

$18 – Book Sales

$244 – General Donations – People just sending money! Double the amount from 3 months ago.

Thank you for taking this in and feeling us in this arising. We are so not ‘stuck for money’, as we see money as a love mirror of goodness reflecting back to us whatever we need to see and feel.

We feel waves of new goodness wanting to come our way in 2018, and if you’d like to be a part of that financially this year, in whatever amount feels right for you, we would so love to receive that love and send it back out into the universe, our hearts and our bellies.

Raphael Awen is co-creator, teacher, and facilitator of the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life. Visit for more information about Weekly Sessions, Live Streams, Videos, and Community.

Return LOVE in money form: or visit our Patreon page to become a monthly supporter:


Day 7 ~ Journal To The Demiurge

Journal To The Demiurge with Raphael Awen

By Raphael Awen

(This is Day 7 of an ongoing series, to begin at day 1, go here)

Raphael: Good Morning everyone here in this growing circle on this first day of the New Year, 2018, and those reading and tracking this Journey, expanding it out and beyond. The Demiurge wasn’t created overnight and it’s going to take a sizable something to reach out to it, wouldn’t you say, Metatron?

Metatron: I wish and intend the very best possible for everyone here and reading this for the New Year. I don’t live much by your calendar, as you know, but I do feel you, as you do. It’s a good way to measure and reflect, as well as to set intentions for the year to come. I’m very excited for the intention at hand to connect with the Demiurge. Your planet and humanity has been under his rule to such a significant degree, far more so, than most realize. Believers and nonbelievers alike.

To your question, Raphael, I feel it does take a sizable something as you say, but maybe not in the way you might think. This isn’t a numbers game that creates a tipping point, per se. Numbers-based tipping points in the collective are more a downstream outcome of what we are setting out to do, rather than the intention or the necessity. What I mean by that is when one of us opens our heart to really connect with the Demiurge, not out of subservient fear, or worshipful reverence, but mutual respect with a healthily boundaried open heart, this creates a very sizable something that hasn’t been done before. The actual number of us approaching only increases the resonance of this one-heart ambassadorship. One of us could do it, but more is better.

Raphael: You really don’t see this as ever having been attempted before, Metatron?

Metatron: I can’t see where it has, Raphael. If it had, there would be a different frequency coming from him, I feel. Up till now, he has still felt to me like he is largely unmoved from his trajectory. This was evidenced in your story, how solid it felt and immersed it felt to be living in his world, like it was thee reality of all realities. When this shifts, Christianity itself will look and feel very different. Christianity tires itself out at times, but the basic piece of duty and obligation keeps returning one way or the other. That is the Demiurge. He doesn’t care about the label, or the setting, as much as the energy.

Raphael: Okay, wow…

Metatron: I’m curious to ask you, what you felt since sharing these big pieces of your story so far?

Raphael: The year-end reflections have been expansive, appreciating the huge difference from where I once was, when I didn’t have any sense of ever being outside of that, to where I am today, very much outside of that. Yesterday, while celebrating with close beloveds, there was so much to let-in, in gratitude and also to feel in exciting new desires arising too.

Last night, I had a dream of a man, someone close from my past, asking for help and looking so worn out. I’ve never had that kind of a dream before, or real life contact either, where I was being approached as a resource from one of the characters in my play this life. So it feels to me like a big ripening is happening for people around their souls timing to make a similar exit from ‘serving God’ as I did.

I feel a ton of compassion for what there is to go through, having felt and lived through every piece.

Metatron: Yes, I feel you need to share how you actually made your exit, not just from a church community, but from Christianity itself, and how that played out.

Raphael: Yeah, that feels like an important piece to digest going forward. I’m wondering about launching into that at the moment or if there any other pieces to digest first. Maybe feeling of any intentions arising for the journey and the year ahead possibly?

Metatron: Good call. I’m all ears.

Rhodes: Raphael, I’m feeling how intensely you went into Christianity, and I did too, embedded in there with you, how we both slowly, but surely, made our exit. There are so many vistas before us now that we are wanting to enter, but it feels like this Journal intention and undertaking is a prerequisite somehow to inhabiting this new land, like a piece of unfinished business. Up till now, we’ve never spoken publicly much about Yahweh, or Jehovah, or the Christian capital ‘G’, God, being a false God. It’s kind of interesting, because one of his Ten Commandments was about not having any ‘graven image, false gods, before him’, when he himself was and is that very thing, a usurped personalization of the source of everything.

So, in all that, I’m feeling we need to make it formal, a coming out publicly, that we are no longer under any kind of fear-bound duty and obligation to the Demiurge, which is what we’re doing here. If we had any tinges of this false fear-based reverence towards him, it only would trigger his default pattern of his God complex.

I am hoping that 2018 goes down in history as the year that this false god domination over humanity and the planet finally dissolves, and a great turnaround occurs. I am willing and wanting to serve that end.

Raphael: Yumm! I love feeling all that in you, Rhodes. I so need you on board with all this. You’re right about the publicly coming out part, onto the archetypal stage, creating a new story to confront an old story, this ‘his story’ to be remade into the true story of the people, of their true origins, their true dimensions, and their true destinations.

Who else?

Merlin: I’m amazed at where your journey has taken you, Raphael. And I’m looking forward to feeling the next pieces of what happened next, and how it happened. What wants to happen now couldn’t unfold if you hadn’t courageously gotten real and honest with yourself in all those choice points. This is true leadership, being able to lead yourself, to lead parts of yourself through the gauntlet of what you dialed up this life. Leadership with others then naturally arises with others desiring a similar awakening, like a spring loaded easy thing. No manipulation or control needed, because it has no relationship with those very low and dense frequencies. I, too, want to feel and state my desire to complete this mission, to take it to where it wants to go, to whatever outcome can arise from it. I so want to second Rhodes’ desire for 2018 to be known as the year that the Demiurge packed up operations on earth and in humanity’s reality. I say, ‘long enough, and no more’.

Raphael: Okay, that’s a vote of love and confidence to take in. Thank you, Merlin. I guess with that I’ll drop back into storytelling mode for a bit then again.

It’s been a good digestion for me again to take in this period of my life from two or three decades back. Sometimes, we need an even longer vantage point from which to look backwards to feel certain things.

All that story I shared about the airport synchronicities got me to feeling that life really is that magical all the time. At least, that’s how I recognize it to be more and more now, with magical moments coming together at all times holding the fabric of reality together, we just struggle to let it in as being that magical, so we have this other equally magical ability to normalize it and numb ourselves to it. We must also need those abilities too for some good reasons or we wouldn’t be doing what we are with them. I personally would like to dial back a big chunk of the normalizing though, that I still do, in order to let in more of the magic.

Wait, that’s philosophizing again, not storytelling. Let me see if I can shift gears. Sometimes it’s easier to teach than it is to vulnerably share experience and feelings.

So, yes, there I was, leaving a beloved and only church family behind, one where I had recognition and was well liked. Mar-yam was with me on that one as we were both done at the same time with these charades, as I called them. There was a ton of other churches around in our home town of Abbotsford, British Columbia, which happened to be the church capital of Canada, in the sense of having the most churches per capita. We had no thought of leaving Christianity, but our dedicators were admittedly tiring of the rededications.

We joined a much larger fancy congregation, of the non-chandelier-swinging variety, that had some big things happening. It was reputed to be the second largest congregation in Canada at the time. This gave us a place to simply attend often entertaining services and be with some friends and family who had joined us from other settings and  also had made a similar switch. I really felt thinly attached however. Part of me liked it that way, and part of me didn’t.

We never tithed anymore, the practice of giving ten percent of your income, which had been a long time practice, since my late teens. One year, back in our old church, Mar-yam and I alone were responsible for over 20% of the churches income that year as we had decided to tithe not only on our personal income, but on our business income as well. Later, I came to realize how much of a financial fear was rooted in my heart around the practice. We were addressing our money anxieties by doing a deal with the Demiurge. Many places in scripture promised a big blessing and return on giving. Tithing was also a command, rather than an option, as far as our theology went. I so recall the first bit of income we decided not to tithe on, after feeling how controlling the whole teaching was, and how the most controlling leaders and teachers used it to their advantage. We were feeling mostly okay with it all, but an unmistakable part of us was half ready for the sky to fall on our heads at the same time.

Finding our way out of tithing was a pretty big ‘handwriting on the wall’ kind of event for us. Of all the strict ‘law’ type practices from the Old Testament, this was the one that kept surviving from right on through the Roman Catholic Church, through every successive Protestant movement and down to every last latest greatest church deal right up to the present. One very well-worn Bible verse spoke about you were ‘cursed with a curse’ if you withheld the tithe, and were guilty of ‘robbing God’.

Remind me to take that one up with the Demiurge, for sure.

Dollars in the bag, and bums in the pew, with chapter and verse to prove it all, is still thee deal that Christianity thrives on. When you break with tithing, as a dedicated Christian, you are beginning to play on the creek banks of the river to your freedom. You are saying that you can pick and choose your own interpretations and even defy the Demiurge (God) while dressing it up (necessarily) as something different.

With that kingpin of a legalistic relationship with God/the Demiurge finally shifting for me, as in the ‘obedience in exchange for blessing’ kind of relationship, I was significantly setting my sails in a new way, and ‘backsliding’ from ‘true Christianity’.

With my awareness tuned in this way to any manipulative psychological pressure tactics that I couldn’t stomach any longer, I was also now reactive to the stories of God’s behavior in the Old Testament. What part of me used to hardly notice, I now saw as behaviors that could only be labeled as ‘asshole’ anywhere else. I was getting into a conscious ‘mid-faith’ crisis.

I sat through message after message gagging on what I was hearing. I recall, one Sunday, as service was just letting out, as we were walking up the sloped sanctuary aisles towards the foyer, with some close long-time friends who had sat close to us, Rene said, ‘Wasn’t that an awesome message?’ feeling genuinely touched. I looked at him and so struggled with my own long-standing image, our friendship, his being touched, Mar-yam looking at me and knowing full well what I was feeling, and my fuming internally over what I now felt was a big shit pile, to put it in Jim’s immortal words. I managed to get out a calm, ‘I didn’t like it at all’. Rene didn’t know what else to do, but to look away. What else can you do when one of the most dedicated and level headed and fellow loyal brothers is losing it?

A year or so earlier, the same head Pastor of that large congregation who preached that message that Sunday, happened upon me in the foyer as service was underway while on my way to the bathroom. He was a genuinely kind older man, and asked how I was, as I recalled he had greeted me similarly once before. I was a bit more surprised though when he followed up with, ‘If you’re free soon, please call the office so we can arrange a coffee out together one day.’ I liked the child-like guileless something about him that no doubt the congregation liked too when he had been selected as ‘Senior Pastor’ for this happening congregation. By this time in my faith, I was really putting in time as far as regular church attendance was concerned, ‘keeping something intact for the girls’ was one way of framing it. Really, I just wasn’t ready yet to come to terms with what was brewing. Privately, I was however very given to these ‘grace’ teachings I was exploring, in contrast with the ‘law’ teachings that were interwoven through everything I’d known and practiced. While still technically Christian, they were very outside of what my outer Christian world would consider anything close to orthodox. They sustained me in the interim, but also troublingly moved me further away from center.

I arranged with the office a week or so later to meet with Pastor Vern that same afternoon, what happened to be Halloween. We sat down in a small quiet coffee shop, and began small talk. Being a good conversationalist, he asked me a leading question or two, and I began to share a bit and weave in a thoughts of the alternative Christian teachings I was so deeply embracing, but knowing very well where the no-go edges were at the same time. He paused me mid sentence to find his pen, and to gather a napkin from the adjacent table to write down what I had said feeling the compelling alternative nature of my words. I knew I was way off into Christian Universalism, which is a breath of fresh air to anyone burdened with the standard fare law/grace mixture of ‘God loves you, but…’. Before we left that day, Vern had filled more than one napkin stopping me several times to transcribe my exact words. I so missed being able to teach or speak, and the camaraderie around that. I knew all too well however that if Vern had seen the deeper edges of where I was coming from, he’d not have sat comfortably with me that day in the coffee shop. Part of me felt like I got to my abandon my painting contractor costume for one closer to a spiritual teacher that Halloween afternoon.

As I share this piece in the moment, I so feel how aspects of my Metasoul would get activated in situations like this, even though I had no conscious sense of them at the time. I have come to know and discover a Metasoul Brother Aspect in Martin Luther, the Protestant Reformer, over the more recent years and have felt many of the angsts and passions that flow through Martin. I don’t claim to have been Martin Luther in a past life, but rather to share a Metasoul lineage with him connecting some similar frequencies and passions. Rhodes, as my Gatekeeper, has been a while in opening out this access, for good reasons I feel. I can feel Martin wanting to process and feel both passions and regrets, and maybe even to choose a different outcome somehow. I can feel him in an adjacent timeline, what we call the 16th century, but very much happening in the Now. It feels really fitting that Martin would find his way into my storytelling and this journal-journey, as I feel him possibly having a big stake in this ambassadorship to the Demiurge. I’ll let this mention brew in him and invite him to share as soon as he’s ready to. He’s quite different from what most have projected onto him and he’s changed a bunch too. I learned recently that he referred to the pope as ‘Pope Fartass’, which is great that he could take on the Pope. Hopefully, he’ll be up for the Demiurge now.

The track that held its course steadily in my life during this time was my contracting work and family life, kind of in that order. I engaged the services of a business coaching company called E-myth, and was assigned to a bright coach named Mark. I met three times a month for an hour on the phone and engaged in the processes E-myth offered, for over a year. During that time, I managed to double my business income, with less stress and more satisfaction in many ways. I gave myself to this brighter light in my life at the time and secretly hoped that maybe my dreams could be realized by becoming ‘financially independent’. Part of me was convinced that if I could set aside the focus of earning money, and instead focus on my now-floundering dreams and passions of teaching and leading somehow, then I could realize these dreams. The picture had several untidy seams in it, but I gave myself to it for this year plus, nonetheless, as it was the best thing going in a growing graveyard where my dreams made the tombstones.

Mark informed me on one of our calls that he would be leaving the company soon, and that I would be contacted by his manager to arrange another suitable coach from within the company for me to continue in the program with. My admiration for Mark had grown over the year plus together and I knew he was a part of something spiritual, but. non-Christian, outside of the company he worked for, but hadn’t found the courage to ask him about it. My soul, along with my Gatekeeper, I see now, was holding a timing around this, knowing the rumbles it would lead to. As I knew I was about to be losing Mark soon, I asked him one session a more personal question. I said to him, ‘Mark, how do you respond, when you’re really getting the results you want in work life and then depression comes up to upend all the progress?’ I really hoped, as well as suspected that he wasn’t going to give me a coachy kind of pat answer, but yet had no clue how he might address it. The one sentence answer he gave me proved to be nothing short of revolutionary. He answered my courageous question with another courageous question. He simply said, ‘Did it ever occur to you that a part of you has a very good reason for feeling depressed?’

I walked around for a week following feeling like I had just had spiritual and emotional surgery. I told everyone close to me about it. Mark’s words found their mark of hitting a nerve of wanting to stop making the emotional body bad or wrong. The words resonated deeply with the alternative Christian theology that had held my attention for what was by now, over a decade. What was so nourishing to me was the stance of not only no longer suppressing feelings, but even, god forbid, exploring them to feel what they were trying to tell us. We had no frame for any such thing in all of the Christianity I’d ever been a part of.

About five years prior, another life changing moment occurred that led up to this one, that, had it not, I wouldn’t have been ready for this one. For almost 20 years, since I was 19 years old, I simply had no conscious experience whatsoever with depression. Here I was as a late thirties guy, married, business owner, doing extra well, because I didn’t struggle with the lower emotions. When others around me got depressed, I simply noted it, maybe gave them a pick-me-up kind of response, and moved on. I simply couldn’t relate to it since ‘God had delivered me’ from my ‘inferiority complex’ back when I was a late teen. Something though was beginning to shift for me as that summer. My emotional weather dial took a big shift towards feeling bouts of depression. My newer theology and life experience it seemed helped me be more vulnerable and honest with myself in a good way to feel what was real. I instinctively knew not to hide it, and talked about it openly with those close to me, even seeing a counselor for a couple sessions and taking some St. John’s Wort herbal medicine to assist.

This life changing precursor ‘moment’ event happened one evening during this same summer of depression when Mar-yam and I were watching the movie, A Message In A Bottle, portraying a man’s loss of his wife to death and his processing of the deep grief that engulfed him. Evening movies had a way of either putting me to sleep, as was often the case, or holding my intention deeply, as this movie did. As I watched the movie, it began to get under something that was ready and wanting to move in my emotional body. I’m watching this portrayal of grief and trying to hold back my tears of the only thing dear I’d ever really lost; the 11 month relationship I’d had at 19 with the woman named Cheryl, that I mentioned earlier.

A year prior to meeting Mar-yam in Bible School, my life had gone from like two to almost ten overnight, and then ended suddenly without explanation, as Cheryl broke it off between us. I refused to feel any tears the next day, as I felt at the time like they were a hole I’d fall into and never recover from. Well, the ‘next day’ came back to me sitting on that couch, asking to be felt. I knew now that these feelings weren’t there as ‘the enemy’ or a nemesis that would take me down, as I had unconsciously related to them in my late teens.

Whoah, Metatron, my handrail, I’m really getting wound up in the story telling. How’s this landing, do we need to pause?

Metatron: Are you kidding, don’t stop now, my friend. We’re all on the edge of our seats.

Raphael: Awww, you’re the best, Metatron. I’m aching to tell this next piece actually and so glad to have your interest, so sit back in those seats for a bit, and I’ll take your cue.

So as I was saying, this movie portrayal of genuine grief moved through me like a freight train, in a good way. We finished the movie and went to sleep. When I could tell Mar-yam was asleep, I faced the opposite direction and cried quietly to myself some very rare tears, feeling the loss of the relationship with Cheryl those 19 years prior. The troubling night dreams I’d had of her into the early years of my marriage had long subsided thankfully as I consciously didn’t want to undermine my marriage ‘hanging onto the past’. In the morning, I told Mar-yam about the tears and the flow of emotions. She intuitively felt it was a good thing and supported me to feel whatever needed to be felt.

That next day, I reordered my schedule and took the day off to go spend the day in a park that Cheryl and I had enjoyed together. I sat there on the grass, overlooking the ocean and at first, a part of me wondered what we were attempting to do. Any apprehensions soon left as I wrote out my grief and loss in a letter addressed ‘Dear Cheryl’ taking my cue from the movie. Wave after wave of tears rolled through me as I went back and forth between crying and writing. I was so astounded feeling how though it was 19 very full years later, it felt like it was the very next day.

After the tears finally paused and the writing felt complete, I got out some matches and burned the letter on the rocks there. I made my way home and again shared the experience with Mar-yam, and in time, a few others close to me. I knew this was a life changing event, even though those around me seemed to tolerate my story of it more than celebrate it. Looking back, I can feel where part of me was tugging on them to see and feel the significance I knew was here, this willingness to feel, and in so doing to heal. This part of me knew it was changing, and could feel the fear of losing them if we didn’t change together.

A week or ten days later, I took another day trip to another park Cheryl and I had enjoyed together, and again the tears flowed, not as intensely this time, but sweetly as I said aloud to myself ‘I’m human. I get to lose. I get to grieve.’ It felt so good to come to this dawning awareness.

So, as I said, it was another five years of life and process later when Mark, my coach’s words found their ‘mark’. ‘Did it ever occur to you that a part of you has a very good reason for feeling that way?’

Holy Fuck! Why couldn’t all of the money and life and passion I’d put into Christianity ever come up with something so simple and so profound? Why couldn’t just one Christian leader drop the charade and get real, just one, all I ask is one? Why couldn’t one Bible verse have pointed to this? I’d have jumped on it! One would have done it. Instead, it’s this non-Christian business coach, from a pagan business coaching company, of all people!

As Christians, we were all too busy fighting the devil in our elevated spiritual warfare schemes, or flagellating ourselves trying ‘put on the mind of Christ’ along with a million other verses pulled out of our asses! Fuck, what a stinking shit pile of horse shit, Jim! With a great big Jesus rug, the size of a camp meeting revival tent to try and sweep it all under….

Go ahead, Rhodes, Is that you rumbling just now?

Rhodes: Yes, thank you for letting me get that out. ‘We’ were Marvin at the time, all mixed in together not very differentiated, but each of us were feeling this all on a bunch of different levels. I see now, all of this was perfect to help us find our way through a sequence of waypoints on an ongoing journey, one that we are still on, actually. I have that bigger picture coming to me now feeling you tell your story, which is my story and our story. We needed every sniff of that shit pile. We needed every pain and reaction. We signed up for it because we needed it. We simply couldn’t have found our way without it. All the way to now even to facing the Demiurge, the Demiurge within and the Demiurge without.

Raphael: Wow, Rhodes. That’s some heavy stuff. The Demiurge within. The taskmaster inside myself who wasn’t ready to feel, who then in turn gave that disowned life force energy over to the creation and sustenance to the Demiurge without. As below, so above. As within, so without. That’s pretty spacious now, though at the time, it just hurt like fucking hell, in dark times, with no light in sight. Thank god for the bread crumb trail out of the jungle, nonetheless.

Well, I hope you can pause along with me cause now I’m running out of gas. I can feel how I’d like to share the next piece of actually admitting to my known world that I no longer held Jesus as my personal savior and finding the courage to face Mar-yam to tell her I wasn’t willing to remain in our marriage bond, and then how I began to walk all that out. But, it feels best to let this piece digest along with what Rhodes just opened us out to as well.

Wow, this piece about how I created the Demiurge is hitting me. All my Christian life, my subscription to the idea that he was the creator was a way to deflect my own responsibility to my own creatorship. I can feel how this Journal is a way to accept that responsibility now and respond in a new way.

We’re off to see the Demiurge, people. It’s been a long long time in waiting, but we’re off to see the Demiurge!

I hope he’s open to company.

Raphael Awen is co-creator, teacher, and facilitator of the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life. Visit for more information about Weekly Sessions, Live Streams, Videos, and Community.

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You’ve Won The 2018 Three Wishes Altered Reality Lottery


By Raphael Awen

So boom, 3 wishes, they’re yours for 2018. You won the Altered Reality Lottery, the one with the humongous billboard freeway signs.

Whatever you want, be it material, emotional, or etherical. Money, happiness, relationships, or Angelic visits, you name it.

It takes a bit of work, but you decide on 3. Turn of the clock, boom! 2018. They’re yours.

The depression is gone because you’re on full time happy. The not enough money problem is behind you and that feels relieving. And wow, this contact with Archangels is crazy magical…who’d have guessed all this was real!? You decided on a balanced approach between the material, the spiritual and the emotional, shooting for the best of all worlds.

You’re in a new reality. After the initial surprise, honeymoon, and adjusting to the new reality, settling in, you do what every being has ever done with any reality. You normalize it. You adapt to it. You don’t really want the magic to wear off, but you also need to integrate this new life somehow into what’s left of your old life.

You begin to wonder if you chose the three best things. You could have chosen a loyal mate instead of the money piece. What difference would that have made you wonder. ‘Am I lonely?’, you ask. But you really can’t tell, because your happiness never wavers now, thanks to your first wish. You never guessed there could or would be any issues around having too much money, but, wow, did that ever turn out to be more than a little naive! But, again, though, you’re emotional body has one setting now, thank God, wish number one took care of that too. No regrets now, or ever, for that matter.

You’re able to talk with the Archangels about anything and everything for as long as you want, but it doesn’t take that long actually, and it was sort of like the initial ‘wow’ of the internet wearing off. You could talk to anyone of the Archangels, anytime, about anything and it sort of run out of gas. There just aren’t really any problems anymore. You’re happy whether you speak with them all day or not at all.

You don’t really ‘happen’ upon anything like you used to, and feel happy as a result. You’re happy 24/7/365 regardless of what happens or not. You’ll be happy a year from now, and every year from now.

Your friends around you can’t relate to you as you don’t seem to have any needs, but why then do some still hang around? Good question, but you can’t get too worked up it, or about anything else for that matter. You have everything you want, though some close to you would surely guess that all is not as well as it seems in Denmark.

You have these growing feelings of wondering if you literally had life taken from you in the lottery you ‘won’, but it’s super hard to tell, again, because there’s only one damn setting on the emotional dial. You’re stuck on fucking happy!

And all of a sudden, you wake up and realize, it was all a dream. ‘Thank god’, you gasp, as you take in a very deep breath, ‘I was only dreaming I was happy all the time; that I never would ever again have need of anything that money could buy; and thank god, I get to smash that already broken thermostat on my emotional body!’

What a friggin’ prison that was.

You get to feel the parts of you that have needs. You get to feel the parts of you that have wants. You get to be unhappy along with the very unhappy parts of you in order to to feel and move what they feel as they are feeling it. You get to walk out and live your real life, one self loving step at a time. You realize the life you are in now is the real one you really chose, the one in which you get to make and evaluate new choices, feeling everything as you go.

Welcome to the real 2018!

I’ll meet you there… 🙂

Raphael Awen is co-creator, teacher, and facilitator of the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life. Visit for more information about Weekly Sessions, Live Streams, Videos, and Community.

Return LOVE in money form: or visit our Patreon page to become a monthly supporter: