Photo courtesy of https://unsplash.com/@khouser01
By Raphael Awen
Loving yourself requires feeling yourself and feeling yourself requires space.
This space is a transactional space where you as an observer/feeler opens a curious open hearted inquiry about another part of you.
When a part of you is feeling anything, be it anger, sadness, joy or bliss, you simply are this feeling state until this open hearted other shows up.
You move from being alone to all-one, when this state of transactionally loving yourself is flowing to and from ALL the aspects of your being.
This is my ‘teacher digestion’ as I feel myself moving through a pronounced recent dark night, death and rebirth cycle in the recent separation with Jelelle and new opening with each other. There was intense reaction through the birth canal, facing not only the loss of Jelelle, but also all of my beloveds in SoulFullHeart, almost more than I could bear, but there is also surprisingly many reactions to feel to be out the other side into a bunch of goodness, amidst all the relief. Feelings arise like ‘how will we sustain this new frequency?,’ particularly in relationship with an ever changing Jelelle as she and her parts have launched a rocket ship of service in recent months and continues to do so. She definitely isn’t the same woman I married in so many ways. It’s still more than a bit disconcerting to a part of me to feel she’ll most likely be yet again a different woman in a few weeks from now, or in any moment for that matter. She’s definitely a lot to keep up with part of me says.
When this unsettled feeling moves through me, it first produces an unsettled reaction where I’m less grounded, often not even conscious of the actual feeling. Then when my consciousness registers the fear, I can immediately launch an inquiry as to what part of me is feeling that.
I’m working with and relating with a new part of myself, Mateo, who has held mateship all these years, and most all of the reactions that have to do with Jelelle involve him. Initially, the feeling swell is anxiety, aloneness, fear, but when I connect with him, and am not in denial of these ‘lower’ feeling states, immediate non judgmental space opens out. Curiosity makes space for deep reconnection inside myself, love and compassion begins that flows out to deep understanding, exchanges of appreciation, remorse for the distance between he and I, anticipation of what wants to come between us, and more flow in an abun-dance, and abounding dance between two beings becoming one.
The awareness comes full circle then that the feeling of trying to manage my relationship with Jelelle is coming from a part of me who feels out of touch with my heart, his heart home in that moment. Reconnecting him and I, then pulls back the projections going outward to land in me, which is the only place they can really be made secure.
This inner romance and its deep fulfillment me-to-me can then pervade and flow into my relationship with Jelelle, and navigate with all the navigation necessary (or not necessary) to be in the arising changing moment relationally. The inner relational space is mirrored in the outer romance and vice versa, as well as to all my relationships on all levels.
Without this, Mateo says, “you’re hooped man, take it from me!”
Thank you all for your embrace of yourself, which makes real relationship and nourishment possible.
Raphael Awen is co-creator, teacher, and facilitator of the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life. Visit soulfullheartwayoflife.com for more information about sessions, events, videos, etc.