Pedogate: Reconciling Our Deepest Darkness


By Raphael Awen

There’s no greater crime imaginable to us than the sexual abuse, rape and torture of innocent children, and then when you add in that it’s an interwoven part of governmental and religious power structures on top of all that, it’s completely insane.

It’s so off the charts that it elicits the strongest of our right/wrong reactions where we want justice, we want punishment. We want the ‘perpetrator’ to be ‘paid back’ and made to feel the horror they caused by their actions.

In all of this however, we are caught up in the same punisher-shame cycle that created the abhorrent behaviour. Pedophilia, along with the abuse of power, is not created in a vacuum, and it won’t be resolved in a vacuum. It’s going to take many more of us to open our hearts to really feel what’s going on here and why to shift this reality.

The behaviour is not okay and it needs to stop, but all the punishment and shaming energy that we project onto the perpetrators only serves to insure the underlying problem is left intact, leaving more children to suffer, while we rage at the insanity of it.

If a sinner can balance the scales through penitence and remorse, and paying society back, or paying God back, then the account is settled. …right? Wrong!

What the universe is now asking us to feel is how everything from swatting a fly, to ‘raising’ a pig in a meat factory, to grooming young children for sexual abuse and torture is all something we are being asked to raise our consciousness about. It is the taking of life without feeling is what is not okay. Feigning care when there is no care is what is not okay. Love is what is offended here.

But, the reason we are disinclined from feeling this, is that when you do open your heart to how much we crave and need love, we come to weep deep tears for not just the acts of the nastiest outright abuse, but for harsh words and edgy sarcasm, and missed opportunities that all are offenses to the reality of love, that we experienced and perpetrated. We come to see that any offense to the immensity of love cannot be graded, or even begun to be ‘paid back’.

There’s a deep penitence that we are all afraid of feeling, that it will somehow consume us and leave us no more and so we seek to escape this by finding a worse offender to project out onto.

We are being invited to feel what it feels like to be denied love and to feel what it feels like also to be the denier of love. There really isn’t a separation here. Love is equally offended.

This is the only place where any true change (I can’t bring myself to use that soiled word ‘rehabilitation’) happens.

What if all this 3D reality of this heightened duality is all something we set up to rediscover what love is and isn’t? We needed the backdrop of extremes, and of gradients, of things so horrible as pedophilia, a beautiful word meaning the love of children, turned on its head, to mean the opposite.

We created this reality and it is ours now to un-create and recreate, if we’ve gotten what we needed to get from it.

If we leave the domain of 3D perceived reality, we can feel parts of ourselves in other lifetimes who have played the perpetrator. The ones we are seeking the resolution for is ourselves, collectively and personally.

Now, we are about to dial up the public awareness of our greatest and most unimaginable sins thrown in our face as a society and what an opportunity this will be to truly shift the pain and horror to its intended purpose and awakening!

We are wanting to find a new ground based in real love for the society of self and the society of others, where we truly are all one. If one of us comes free, we all come free. If one of us suffers, we all suffer.

Only here will there be a true payback for the unimaginable suffering of innocent children offered up on the altar of us all discovering our essence in and of love, from the worst of us to the best of us.

(Audio of this blog can be found here:

Raphael Awen is co-creator, teacher, and facilitator of the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life. Visit for more information about Weekly Sessions, Live Streams, Videos, and Community.

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As Real As Royals


By Raphael Awen

You didn’t just come here to sail on placid waters, you came here to learn how to propel your growth and learning even through times of deep chaos and change.

All of 3D earth life is a very real feeling make believe reality that we made up that is as real as real can be. Real however is not as real as we’ve previously felt it to be.

3D life is like a very real feeling board game that we created inside of a larger reality. The stakes in the game and the rules needed to be sufficiently different to learn what we couldn’t learn while remaining insulated in our so called higher dimensional reality. It’s sort of like how Base Camp One is very different reality than Base Camp Four on a Mt Everest attempt, except in reverse direction.

Here in 3D, we experience a ton of things differently than we could ever experience in 5D reality. Here, in 3D, we experience much greater edges to our individuality, and so the social area of life is greatly exaggerated. We aren’t just bubbled off in blissful oneness. We also have way more density to our physical bodies, and so they become like dashboard indicators of the ease or dis-ease we are experiencing. Spiritually, we crave more less-dense experiences like a kind of homesickness remembrance that calls to us, whereas in 5D, we wanted and needed the forgetting in order to play the game with different rules, different awareness, different juice flowing through our veins. In short, we live in a constant tension of the difference of where we came from and where we are now. There’s a third and important element however to this tension and that is about the more we set out to be and become in leaving one domain in favour of another. What would be the payoff of all of this reality swapping, forgetting and remembering were it not for something more.

This demand for more is the stuff that is at core of the universe and as a result, it lives at core of every cell in your body; in every movement of thought and emotion; in every impulse we are capable of. The constant sacred call of more that can sometimes feel like a tyrannical ruler over us.

We can write nice platitudes about how being spiritual is about learning to accept what is and not grasping for more, but even this is a kind of reaching for more, isn’t it?

Learning to love life over things is a powerful example of our relentless pursuit of more. We can’t stop the pursuit of more, we can only come to deeper and more meaningful terms with what our personal and collective more is.

This puts us in the class of gods and royals. It’s interesting that the word real comes from the word royal. It’s the royals who determine reality. Like children on the playground, we have set up reality games for the fun and payoff of a defined goal of more. We want it all, and then we want some more.

So what’s brewing in your life? What’s brewing in the different areas of your life? Physically? Financially? Emotionally? Spiritually? Socially? Mentally? And Environmentally? These areas of our 3D life seem to be the key areas of 3D life as we experience it, with each area asking to be seen and felt for our deepest inhabitation of this game we set up and chose.

We didn’t come here to spiritually bypass or transcend. We came here to inhabit. We came here on a journey for more. Spiritual bypassing and transcendence would be settling for less. We actually want and chose the edges, the challenges and even the chaos of what’s going on in each of these 7 key areas of 3D earth life.

What would choosing that deeper look and feel like for you? Where is your current more going on place?

(Audio of this blog can be found here:

Raphael Awen is co-creator, teacher, and facilitator of the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life. Visit for more information about Weekly Sessions, Live Streams, Videos, and Community.

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Ending The Anti

179.jpegChristine Ogden – Inner Conflict #2

If we could harness the power of our will, we could do anything.

Does that feel like a true statement?

I know any of us could write it off from a number of scientific arguments in a heartbeat, and most of us wouldn’t be willing to feel into an alternative possibility, but for those who are learning to feel the truth of something over knowing the truth of something, we are inclined to suspend our kNOwing (‘no’ing) in favour of kNOWing (‘now’ing).

What’s true now?

We know about what’s referred to as anti-gravity technology and devices that something about counter rotational spin is used to achieve propulsion and maneuverability. It is still ruled out of the collective mind as being possible, yet is none the less going on right above all of our noses.

What’s really interesting is that the device though is kind of misnamed. While it does appear to defy gravity, given our conditioning, what it actually does is create an opposing gravitational pull that can dial up or down. It actually embraces gravity, while creating another gravitational pull to oppose, or offset the earths gravitational pull. It’s actually much more accurately named a pro-gravity device.

The metaphysics of all this gets to something inside of our emotional bodies. We all have a ton of will, which when harnessed can go on to achieve the greatest of things against all odds. It’s the stuff our greatest stories are made of. But most of us hover in the same old, same old with most of our lives, rarely even pausing to consciously feel and take stock of our desires and will to create.

What’s going on here?

I offer it’s counter rotational spin. One part of us wants something and has all the will necessary to go after it; another part of us wants something that opposes that want and has all the will to go after what it wants. ‘We’ as a makeup of the parts of ourselves are left with a stasis hovering in place much like a UFO, but without any maneuverability, unlike a UFO. Pretty impressive stuff actually, when seen for what it actually is, but all too common to be held in any reverence when seen through unconscious eyes.

Tie into any self help advice, and it’s all about building a case for the desired thing, and the penalties for not making the change, all in an attempt to feed the side of the internal tug of war in the conscious desired direction and starve the other opposing unconscious side in order to gain the movement.

In other words, we have to make one side bad and the other good. This obviously has some workability or we wouldn’t have used it as long as we did. The most ‘successful’ amongst us are esteemed for their achievements and sacrifices, when in actuality what we and they are now finding, that more often than not, their success was at a great cost of something very dear to them. But they couldn’t feel that at the time of their pressing and building or it would have killed the impressive momentum.

But what’s worse? Being in stasis sitting on our hands while possibility stares us in the face; or demolishing half of our being for a great achievement?

The secret to this conundrum has something profound to do with ending the anti. There’s nothing any longer to be anti about. Nothing to oppose and everything to embrace and get to know. Now, we are being invited to achieve movement through all of our will, knowing that counter rotational, or oppositional forces inside of our being are all necessary to get familiar with to achieve new kinds of movements in the world.

I leave you with a new and revised working hypothesis, awaiting new experimentation: If we could come to embrace and love the power of our wills, especially the oppositional nature of them, we could do anything.

Audio of this blog can be found here:

Raphael Awen is co-creator, teacher, and facilitator of the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life. Visit for more information about sessions, group calls, videos, community, etc.

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Becoming A Legend In Your Own Mind

By Raphael Awen


While the 3D self could get really pumped at having, let’s say, the psychic abilities to be able to predict the future, your higher self would often seek an awareness point awakening for you that was much more mundane.

Jim Carey once said ‘I wish everyone could be rich and famous so they could feel how being rich and famous isn’t the answer’.

Similar to that, could you imagine how if you successfully predicted, a few natural disasters before they happened, how you would go on to some kind of star status quite fast, and how a part of you needing love could try and milk the attention for the form of ‘love’ that’s found in star status group recognition. It would mean something for a while, but it could become quite torturous quite fast adjusting to the swarms of believers and unbelievers in your newly forming world.

While some souls chose and needed that kind of path of learning, most of us haven’t dialled up these kinds of stardom here in 3D.

Really, when you think of it, is it really that big of a deal that your higher self knows and can predict the future? Of course it can! It can do it as easily as falling off a chair.

If your higher self really wanted that for you and I, we wouldn’t be living in a world of unknowns. We came from a place of knowing everything. We chose a place of not knowing, and that this way of not-knowing would be a path to a new kind of knowing that not even it had ever known before.

This puts 3D into every bit as much of a sacred place as is 4D and 5D. It’s the awakening 3D self that tends to be tired of what it feels is a suffocating reality in 3D, and rightly so. Adjusting to 3D life as we all have had to do is an intense transmutation to be able to embody coming from the higher 5D (and higher) essence that we all are.

Many of us are feeling the futility of awakening to these higher frequencies when there isn’t an us there to love every aspect of ourselves that we discover in the awakening process.

The all too familiar deal of young impressionable minds being enthralled by an admittedly spiritually gifted public figure who has a trail of abuse in his or her following, along with big life disintegrities just isn’t holding the same water it once did.

Collectively, and personally, we are wanting more. We are wanting a spirituality that we can truly be at home with, with all of ourselves. Our higher selves are evolving as we are in the midst of our 3D simulated reality experiments. Our higher self watches every move and reaction we have and don’t have here in 3D feeling our growth and learning edges where we choose in the midst of the unknown, instead of the known; where we make our choices ‘with one hand tied behind our back’ as it were; with a depth of gratitude for every joy filled and every pain filled experience that we register in such a courageous undertaking.

In SoulFullHeart process work, we begin with building a relationship bridge to the 3D self that carries the tones of our higher self awareness, feeling what the 3D self feels, while it is feeling whatever it is that it feels while doing 3D life. This opens out an awakening that isn’t as publically glamorous as being able to foretell the future, but does go very deep into the private desires and pains that accompany a higher self embodying into 3D reality. A transmutation occurs here where just being on the awakening path is the daily payoff, as the deepening love with self never ends.

This feels like more of what the higher self really gets jacked up about…watching us come home to ourselves, and having a pain and healing experience that it could never have without our willingness to live into and through what it sees as a 3D awakening!

Note: Audio Blog of this blog can be found here:

Raphael Awen is co-creator, teacher, and facilitator of the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life. Visit for more information about sessions, group calls, videos, community, etc.

Return LOVE in money form: or visit our Patreon page to become a monthly supporter:

We Needed The Missing


By Raphael Awen

Calling ourselves lightworkers and wayshowers without acknowledging that we all are also darkworkers and wayconcealers is a kind of pathetic.

It’s a good kind of pathetic, like the veil of forgetfulness kind, but it leaves us out there sounding kind of tinny. We didn’t previously sound so tinny, but something has shifted and now we’re left sounding more and more shady like charlatans or overampy street vendors.

There’s whole swaths of us just now getting the memo that backlights this kind of kinship with what was an ignorant bliss. What we once believed and even knew to be true has shifted, and it’s changing everything.

Here we come to see and feel that as part of the divine, we participated in an exercise likened to an alzheimer’s patient who hides their own Easter eggs and wraps their own Christmas presents. We possessed everything there was to possess, except for the ability to experience lack, and so we asked the question of how could our completeness be complete if we haven’t known and been tested by lack? Then we figured that the experience of lack wouldn’t be real enough if we knew that it was just sitting down to an evening board game kind of simulation of reality, so we mixed in enough deep forgetting to make it effective.

We must have really battled over what the requisite recipe amount of forgetfulness would be as the whole experiment would be useless if it were not enough, and again useless if the amount were too much and most of us were unable to ever be re-membered back with our essence; somehow lost forever in the biblical language of ‘outer darkness where there is only wailing and gnashing of teeth’.

Now, we’re in a new place where both are true, both the forgetting and the remembering, both the wayconcealing and the wayshowing, along with all the aftermath. It’s anything but business as usual, and yet there is enough stability to feel and heal what is wanting to be felt and healed.

I’m reminded of the sales pitch: what better guy to show you how to protect your home than the guy who used to rob people’s homes, right?….Who’s had a change of heart, and a reconciliation with himself, and the universe, and isn’t play pretending any longer in order to manipulate those still asleep. That us taking responsibility for our own creation. We dialed up all the mess. The ‘enemy’ is beautifully us.

That’s a big waking up. We consciously feel huge desire to be shown the way and to return to the light, but subconsciously, we are being invited into the awareness that we also cocreated the darkness and agreed to it, much like kids setting up an evening of dressup games. We did it and we did it for the most profound and serious purpose imaginable, that is to live on the edge of real curiosity.

We agreed on the condition that essence could never be shaken or taken from us, while the experience would change drastically. We were assured that we would, through the use of the time illusion, ‘event’-ually, event by chosen event, come out the other side, back to being re-membered, from our experience of being dis-membered.

This is the process we find ourselves in now, a true dimensional shift, where the next phase of this board game is coming into play. Even the words we use and how we use them are wanting to shift into alignment. We need to feel and heal all the all too real sufferings we dialled up for ourselves in the previous dimensional reality, and to do that, we are given this overlay of the two realities, one upon the other.

I am perfect wholeness, and I carry reactionary wounding to this journey I’ve taken. Both are true. I have it all and yet I find myself wanting. I am perfect light, yet I am in process of incorporating light into my darkness.

This feels like the bigger deal we curiously imagined for ourselves, like privileged children, knowing they can have whatever they want, set out to want more. We wanted the more of knowing what it would feel like to be returning to love, and so we needed to step outside of it in order to give ourselves that experience.

It’s like my 13 year old once chided me ‘Dad, unless you leave, I can’t miss you!’.

Nothing’s been lost, though it often so feels that way.

We needed the missing.

Raphael Awen is co-creator, teacher, and facilitator of the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life. Visit for more information about sessions, group calls, videos, community, etc.

Return LOVE in money form: or visit our Patreon page to become a monthly supporter:

Pinch To Zoom Consciousness


By Raphael Awen

We put in a lot of effort to make things as hard as they are.

It took a lot of mind bending and forgetting to come up with something so real feeling as a world where love isn’t the only thing there is, where love actually has a nemesis, and where every and any desirable thing has to be fought for.

Face it, you’re on drugs! We all are.

We’re doing a big drug called earth life, in the time zone, another drug, mixed in with another called human life. And that’s only the beginning of the pharmaceutical regimen. There’s your gender; your culture; your age group, and on and on the list goes, and even then, it barely gets started. There’s your religion, or non-religion, there’s your financial status, your height, your weight, your eye color, right on down to the tiniest details of your life as you know it and don’t know it.

These are all alterations of a previous reality. We as infinite essence seem to be hell bent on finding more experience of ourselves.

It’s all experience, every last bit of it. We ‘were’ essence, but lacked experience. We were goodness, but lacked a way to take it out for a spin, and to take it out for a spin, we needed not-goodness to backlight it, to make it engaging, or challenging.

From the place of the drug of our earth buzz, we’ve normalized all this staggeringly amazing reality creation stuff that we are, and seek to create new realities that hide our reality creation abilities. Talk about a matrix!

I was trying on the experience yesterday of something called The Mac Store, looking at the 3 or 4 different sizes of the recent IPads. I clicked on a photo or two and did the pinch to zoom thing. Yawn. Really amazing stuff, from 6 years ago, that is. I was standing there thinking of which size I’d prefer, and what I figured would be way cool would be if you could pinch to zoom the whole device. Want a bigger display, fwuup, there you go,…make it smaller to fit in your pocket, nierrrp, bingo. We haven’t figured that out yet. Or have we?

Watching the recent TV series, The Good Place, where Michael is like the archangel host of heaven and he needs a large screen to display on, he just waves his hand, and there it is, and when he’s done with it, another wave of his hand, and it’s gone. It feels to me like this stuff is already both real and almost in danger of becoming as blasé as cell phones and the fax machine, and the Polaroid camera.

We’re about to figure out really cool stuff like teleportation and a whole lot more, and it will be a big deal, but only for a while. It won’t take too long, and we will do what we’ve always done with every new creation, and that is to incorporate it into our normal waking consciousness.

From our present consciousness looking forward, this stuff feels exciting, but from our other, or wider consciousness places, this stuff already is. Perspective is the big deal here. We, on one hand would think walking thru walls would be exciting, while star beings and angels dream of the ability to be able to bump into walls. The saturation of one kind of experience, breeds familiarity, which for a time (time itself being another layer of experience itself) comforts, but then ‘bores’ us, empties us out, to make room for new experience, eventually bringing us to the edge of nearing the end of experience itself, where we fear being swallowed again to be returned to essence, and losing ego and self awareness.

We are the divine out divining; essence out experiencing experience, and reporting back to all consciousness. Not a single one of us are outside of this, where even the fear of not being a part of this is a part of the experience and the experiment.

Take a good look and feel of what it looks and feels like to be human because it is changing under our feet as we speak. Experience and essence itself needs us to feel and record and digest so that it can move on to its next thing.

You thought it was you that is ready to move on…when, in actuality, you are using boredom as a way to manage the pace of change and experience that is moving at lightning speed all around you.

Raphael Awen is co-creator, teacher, and facilitator of the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life. Visit for more information about sessions, group calls, videos, community, etc.

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The Magical Current Expression of You


By Raphael Awen

Whatever it looks like and feels like and is like to be doing life as you, IS you, in your current expression of being.

While there is and always will be much more in terms of potential and possibilities for your being to express, you are in this moment limited to your current expression.

The gift of time (even the illusion of time) affords you the opportunity to draw upon the current of your soul to heal wounds that make up the make up of your current expression.

Your ‘current’ expression is just that, an expression of the flow of energy your heart and soul is producing that wants your attention to feel and process what there is to feel and process.

Now, as you feel and heal, your ‘current’ expression has changed and you are both limited and unlimited by this new expression…enjoy the paradox of your magical being, ever learning, ever loving, ever living.

Raphael Awen is co-creator, teacher, and facilitator of the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life. Visit for more information about sessions, group calls, videos, community, etc.

Return LOVE in money form: or visit our Patreon page to become a monthly supporter:

Relationality Requires Conditionality


By Raphael Awen

Bringing your condition of unconditionality in order to enter relationship just doesn’t work.

We all have conditions, and pretending we don’t is usually a ruse to keep some deep suffering loops intact.

Real human relationality requires conditionality.

Only a hurting child part of us seeks the condition of unconditional love in human relationships.

Raphael Awen is co-creator, teacher, and facilitator of the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life. Visit for more information about sessions, group calls, videos, community, etc.

Return LOVE in money form: or visit our Patreon page to become a monthly supporter:

Whole-ness Over Higher Frequency

168Painting by Vicki Ross

By Raphael Awen

Getting to a ‘higher frequency’ doesn’t necessarily mean it’s a more whole frequency.

Many etheric high frequency beings are not integrated to love.

It’s no different for us etheric beings in flesh. We have soul and heart wounds to heal. And the cool thing is as we begin there, our frequency just naturally goes higher, but without the tinny ring to it.

Whole-ness is about coming from one place of love more and more.

When we come from more than the one place of love, we are dis-integrated, and dis-integrous. This is a never complete journey, this journey to wholeness.

I’d take wholeness as a pursuit over a ‘higher frequency’ any day.

Raphael Awen is co-creator, teacher, and facilitator of the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life. Visit for more information about sessions, group calls, videos, community, etc.

Return LOVE in money form: or visit our Patreon page to become a monthly supporter:

Curiosity Is The Greatest Gift You Can Give Yourself


By Raphael Awen

Without curiosity, we really are dead in the water.

Curiosity may be the greatest gift you could ever give yourself, your selves, or to an ‘other’.

At root, when we embody childlike curiosity, we are humbly admitting we don’t know, regardless of how much we may actually know. We are admitting that no matter how vaunted our knowing, it is minutiae in compare with the infinite unknown.

Not-knowing is the seat of reverence and wonder. Knowing is the seat of stuffing all you know in a can, and sitting on the can. Not knowing can take us to far, far greater places than knowing ever could.

Whatever it is that is sustaining your brain, your butt and your eyeballs as you are reading this is the subject of infinite wonder… and you literally are this …. as you are right now …. without doing any spiritual calisthenics, or meditations.

In fact many times, spiritual practices and the perception of needing to work at something in order to attain or feel something is often the biggest RESISTANCE to actually feeling the more that you claim to be seeking. The deeper truth then is that you are suspended in so much more, so much so, that a part of you is working hard to moderate the rate of saturation for fear of not being able to swim with it all.

You really are this hot stuff, a bit complicated maybe, but magically reaching for more while moderating that more at the same time. The life you are currently doing and the themes and challenges you have dialled up to feel and heal are these big things that curiosity wants to open you out into.

You see, but you don’t actually know. And herein is your salvation. You don’t know. I don’t know. Part of me may get caught up at times in the appearance of knowing, but truth be told, I am simply trying to be with the vast unknown that is expanding far faster than my knower could ever keep up with.

Are you getting it? Simple admission of not knowing, mixed in with some childlike surrender and curiosity IS the salvation doorway we’ve been pretending to be in search of… The holy grail, and a magical gift you can give to yourself, or to another, or to a house fly, whenever you feel like it, and dial up all the wonder you can handle in that moment!

Raphael Awen is co-creator, teacher, and facilitator of the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life. Visit for more information about sessions, group calls, videos, community, etc.

Return LOVE in money form: or visit our Patreon page to become a monthly supporter: