I like the feeling I get when I write. It’s been a while and I miss it. It’s a feeling of both living out of, and reaching for a deeper consciousness and getting to express a deeper perspective that transcends content based living. I like reading what I wrote and a part of me wonders, “Wow, did I just write that?” I like imagining the readers reaction as I reread it again and again. I also write in search of a deeper glimpse of who I am, and who I am becoming. It’s also a bit of a sterile intimacy too, which part of me judges, as writing about deep personal experience isn’t the same as having one in real time with another person.
That’s a window into me in this moment as I’m writing. This is an example of my emotionally conscious truth telling. It feels different to start with a vulnerable glimpse into what I am feeling rather than some brilliant and well crafted mental words that are designed to mask true feeling and instead seek to impress you and secure your interest.
The feelings about what I, or parts of me, want; the frustrated feelings about what I’m not getting in return; the feelings of writing sometimes to escape the boredom of content-based living are all an aspect of what’s true for me in writing this.
Knowing what’s really going on, at the level of motivation, in the mind and heart of anyone whose writing you read or anyone you relate with changes everything. Not knowing what’s going on inside yourself emotionally and secondarily inside the heart of the person you are relating with is the deepest source of all stress in your life.
In other words, the ‘why’ of why I’m writing, or why I’m seeking your interest is far more powerful and affective than the content of my words. And, it’s true of all relationships.
We have been profoundly conditioned to mask our true feelings….so much so, that most everyone of us, including myself,…our biggest life lesson and healing task this life will be based around regaining our lost sense of feeling ourselves.
It wouldn’t be so bad if our only shortfall was not not knowing and feeling ourselves. The deeper problem is what it leads to, which is lying. It leads to lying of the posturing, pretense and performing variety, non stop, to ourselves and everyone around us, and most of it off of our conscious radar. And there’s such stress that results!
This dynamic of living has become so foundational to us, and interwoven into the very fabric of our beings that if one were to eliminate it in one instant, it would result in a self destruct psychosis too much to bear. We didn’t gain it this way and we don’t lose it this way. We became this way over time, in a process and in relationship with others and with our parts, and in this we can bring what we are authentically feeling and thinking in every moment and that is how we find our way back.