Today I am going to be journaling with the artwork itself.  I am choosing not to connect to a particular part of me, as there is a level of protection that my parts need.  Instead, I will use the word “pArt” as a way to differentiate me from the picture.  What I will be doing is demonstrating how you may be able to begin to connect with the energy of your art piece.  What comes back to you is a part of who you are that needs to express and be felt.  Before sharing, asking permission is always necessary so this part of you can feel they trust you.

Sequoia:  Hello, pArt.  I was wondering if you would be open to speaking with me?

Drawing:  Yes.  I would like that.

S:  Thank you.  Before we begin, I wanted to see how you feel about sharing this on the blog.

P:  I guess I will have to see how I feel after we talk.

S:  Okay.  Fair enough.  What would you like to tell me?

P:  When I made this, I didn’t really know what I was going to make.  I was feeling a swirling in my head and just started to make a circular stroke.  This turned into a deep dark cave.  That is another feeling I was having.  

S:  Can you tell me about the swirling feeling?

P:  I was feeling overwhelmed with feelings of despair and desire.  Desiring to feel light and alive, yet being overcome by futility and stuckness.  I could only sit and hope for relief.  

S:  Did drawing this help?

P:  Yeah.  It did.  But in the past it always comes back.

S:  This is why we need to feel the root of this so we can heal it together.  

P:  I would like that.  I feel imprisoned by a force stronger than myself.  I don’t have any chains on, but still feel immovable.  It’s like sludge.  I don’t like it when this happens.

S:  I don’t blame you.  I would like to feel you separate from the grey sludge.  It feels like you soak it up like a sponge because you haven’t known any better.  Do you feel responsible for this feeling?

P:  I don’t know.  Feels like I have been used to taking in all sorts of energy and making it a part of me.  

S:  Do you have any idea why?

P:  Hmmm.  Not sure in the moment.  I have always felt an ability to feel other people’s pain.  I am sensitive to it.  As a kid, I held all sort of energy from my parents.  For some reason, I felt responsible to do so.

S:  Maybe you were made to feel responsible.  This can happen easily as a porous being.  Your parents couldn’t hold it themselves and somewhere recognized that you could.  

P:  Hmmm.  That sounds strange, but sadly true.  

S:  There can be other things at play here too, such as past life experiences, that have led to this feeling of being responsible for taking in toxicity.

P:  Wow.  So this energy that surrounds me in this picture is not mine, but I take it on.  What is wrong with me?

S:  There is nothing “wrong” with you.  You have done what you felt was needed to help others.  What you needed was someone to advocate for and protect you.  That is what I plan to do.

P:  That feeling is pretty intense, Sequoia.  

S:  I know.  I was there, even though just barely.  

P:  I know you were.  Or else I wouldn’t have been able to have the space to do this drawing.  Thank you.

S:  You are welcome.  I desire to hold this sludge energy and not you.  

P:  That would be heaven.  

S:  Is it okay to share this in the blog?

P:  Yeah.  I feel okay with that.  Maybe someone can get something from this who feels like I do.  

S:  That would be awesome.  Thank you for sharing.

P:  Thank you for talking to me.

The grey cave in this picture represents Despair/ Futility, hopelessness in the face of Hope.  It does not wish to be made public at this time.  It is the feeling that comes after intense inner criticism.  I feel this is a crucial place for me to go.  I am hoping that with some time, and trust from this part, I will be able to share any movements.  I can feel how this is a universal part of artists and how it can be used as a source of inspiration for their creativity.  Some of my best work has come from this feeling of despair.  But I do not want to live that way.  I wish to express it as it needs to be felt, but I don’t wish to suffer with it.  I desire my art to reflect more than my despair because I am more than that.  My inner sensitive needs a boundary from the heaviness of this energy.  That can only happen with an ongoing dialogue with my critic and despair.