Co-Creating The World We Dare Dream For Ourselves

by Raphael Awen

It feels so strange to consider the possibility that there isn’t actually a dividing line between reality and imagination.

The imagination is kind of like the movie writer and director who did such a great job, that all they needed to do was remove the end credits, and the viewers seamlessly slipped into another timeline of reality.

Make no mistake, the reality you and I love in, personally, collectively, globally, galactically, is completely ‘made up’ and not at all ‘real’ in the sense of what we mean when we use that word. In other words, It’s a reality being generated from somewhere. Reality and imagination are just opposite ends of the same measuring stick, and that stick is essentially you, along with me and the rest of us.

We lean into and adopt a given reality as independently true when that reality is completely dependent upon the imagination that generated and continues to uphold the projection we call reality. The movie reel is the imagination. The movie projector is also the imagination. The viewer is also taking in the imagination and then co-creating and co-signing ‘reality’, which in turn spawns new imaginations, a bunch more layers of creative reality projections to support the first assumption that reality is just real, and then the illusion becomes quite watertight and we have the experience of losing our awareness that we are making all this shit up!

And if we are making all this shit up, then we can change the recipe and make big ol’ batches of heaven instead.

I can think of favorite foods and get a physiological response to happen in my body. You can too, right? I certainly can dream romantically and sexually and have that take me somewhere, quite exquisite actually. Right? So what else is yet untapped in our working knowledge of employing the imagination to create the new reality we might dare to dream?

If any of this is accurate, we may well ask yet an even deeper question; ‘What would then prevent us from assuming our power and getting on with creating the world we dare dream for ourselves, the world we dare dream for one another?’ I don’t believe it is simply a lacking of awareness of our creative power. We are ignorant of it, yes, but there’s something underneath that willful ignorance. We need something more, more than the message that we are the creators.

What I feel that ignorance and something more to really be about is our inability to bear joy and sorrow. Joy and sorrow are the open-ended extremes of being alive in polarity. You can’t have one without the other. You only find and know love to the degree you are willing to be vulnerable to losing that love. What’s so great about having a child, for instance, is the knowledge that you could lose that child, and if not to death, then simply to growing up. That’s the knowing that affords you the reverence you need to afford you truly ‘having’ in the moment. The dream of having a child truly comes alive when you feel the vulnerability and even guarantee of losing that child. We then enter the moment where all gain and loss occurs and we experience awe and reverence.

The universe doesn’t spare anyone of us with any guarantee of the present remaining unchanged, or that we won’t lose; only insurance policies attempt that trick, which is akin to trying to purchase something you already own but are unaware of. Instead, the universe promises you, that you will lose what you gained, and therein are you afforded the grace to really be with the joy of having, and when you’ve had all the having you can handle, you enter the grace to let it go and to allow it to return to the abundance from whence it came – and you don’t actually ‘lose’ in this process of loss, because you are this joy, you are this sorrow. To be human is to sign up for joy and sorrow, for winning and losing. What game is any fun that you are guaranteed to win every time? The only ‘real illusion’ of security is the one you create for yourself being held in the arms of infinite, unending love, come what may. You are love and only love can’t win or lose anything because love is All and always will be. The imaginations and their created realities are all expressions of this unchanging love. Love couldn’t change itself, so it chose the next best thing, to create the illusion of loss, through which to expand itself and know itself more.
We are in these throes of everything changing, and when you feel it internally, it doesn’t really matter what’s changing or not changing externally. You can dial up anything you need to be in love, to be in light, to be in love’s embrace, to be in love’s radiance.

This, in turn, makes for a pretty exciting new dance ground for your inner feminine and inner masculine to show up for. Sex and love are only reverence and awe taken to higher heights.

These are the times we created for ourselves, personally, nationally, globally and galactically. Time now to invite your dreamer forward if you haven’t already.

Join Jelelle Awen and I for a six-week group exploration over Zoom that started this  past Wednesday, April 1st at 10:00am PDT (Vancouver, Canada time) with teachings and guided meditations from us and space for individual sharings! The calls are two hours, by donation and whatever you can afford to give at this time of deep money transition for many. You can offer a donation for the entire series or just one at a time.

You can join us live and you also receive the recordings after every call and can watch them at any time after the calls if you cannot make it live.

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We look forward to connecting deeper with you! If you have any questions, please email Kalayna Solais at or send her a message via the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life Facebook page.

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Raphael Awen is co-creator, teacher, and facilitator of the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life.  Visit for more information about sessions, events, videos, etc.

Journal With Nine: Healing The Symbol Projection

I felt inspired to have another go at conversing with the number 9 this morning. I felt a personal connection to its message and felt there was more to feel into with it. There was such an interesting response to it that I wasn’t totally expecting. I have not had a real deep relationship to numbers in my past and I haven’t taken to doing much ‘research’ on the matter. In a way, it keeps it pure and just arises from whatever comes from my heart. I encourage anyone who has a more intimate connection with numbers to do this very same thing and see what arises.

On that note I will check in with Nine and see how it is feeling today and where we might go:

Good morning Nine. Do you prefer the word or the number?

9: That is an interesting question. I guess it all depends on which perspective you want to come from. A more literary and poetic heart space or a more mathematical, paternal place.

Hmmmm….so you have a masculine and a feminine?

9: Well, don’t you?

Yeah, I do. I guess I never really thought of it in regards to a number, but when you put it that way it totally makes sense.

9: It also doesn’t have to make sense either. It is a question that leads us on a quest, just like Raphael always says.

Yeah, I like that. So we are questing. Getting to feel and understand each other and how we relate to each other through this dialogue.

9: Sure. Why not? You gotta hot date with Kalayna?

Well, every moment is a hot date with Kalayna. She is into this too so it is all a part the dance.

9: Yes, a dance. (Good answer with the hot date thing… 😉 That is what this exploration is. You and I are both a consciousness. I get my awareness and aliveness through you and I thus affect you. We can spend a lot of time exploring the technical nature of my numerology and that has its value and purpose, but taking that understanding and diving a bit deeper into how I, as a number, have an effect on a particular heart is a feminine approach.

I was feeling that distinctly yesterday in our conversation. I could feel a part of me wondering if I needed to do some research into what you ‘mean’ and yet I got a whole lot of meaning out of our encounter yesterday. I could feel how others who responded had their own intimate relationship with you that spanned a spectrum of reaction.

9: I do seem to have that effect on people. I am a very intense yet magical number if I do say so myself. I have a lot of stuff going on! Mathematically speaking I have a lot of parts! I house a lot of powerful energy and that be like riding a bucking bronco. So I understand the intense reactions that others have about me showing up in their lives. Or even being identified as me.

Yeah, I wanted to ask you about that. How do you feel about that?

9: Well, of course, there is an honor in it. But there is a lot of projection and over-identification that can arise. There is something that is meant to be understood about the nature of being drawn to a number but it doesn’t mean that one is meant to be determined by it. I only hold the power that one gives to me. If I represent chaos and that is all that one chooses to relate to me as then there is no room for what else I stand for which is the process of moving beyond into the new. This is where the feminine side of feeling wants to come in and hold space for the fear that is backed up in my name. I don’t want to be a reason why people are suffering. That is not what I am about.

Wow. I feel some of your own backed up truth in there Nine.

9: Yeah, I can feel that too, Gabriel. I can feel that for any idea/concept be it numerological, astrological, angelic, etc. We get all bound up in this intense energy that is not the nature of what we are meant to represent. We are change and stability both. Never meant to stay in a rut. I got this yesterday from you when you mentioned my curiosity of what it is like to be 10. I am not a victim to my location on a number line. I am more than that. I am energy. I am a symbol that is not set in stone. I can shift. Hell, turn me upside down and I am a six! How is that for multidimensionality? Thanks for letting me feel that Gabriel. I feel how I may have been holding a lot more than my share of this dynamic. An inner need of mine to be seen as valuable and wanted. I want to feel that in and of myself. And my parts. All 9 of them! Hmmm…9 lives.

I had no idea that we going here today Nine. I still have so many other curiosities about you and maybe we just needed the space to feel into this together.

9: I feel open to where this is meant to go Gabriel. I feel a big release here and that helps me to feel more of my own value as a number in relation to the human heart. Whew!. This is powerful work you are doing, my friend. I think it is time to let this breath and we can catch up tomorrow if that arises. I can feel how all these symbols could use a good cleanse, Gabriel. This could be your thing!

That would be interesting. Not sure I can make a living on holding space for symbols but I am open to what it offers us. You are magical being and I am blessed to have stumbled onto this with you. All in Divine Nining.

9: Hmmm….not sure about that one there, Gabriel. I like the effort, however. Before we leave I did want others to know that having their own personal connection with me would be very healing. I am open to connecting with them through their own hearts and computers. I am good with pen and paper too. Brings me back to the old days.

Ah, that feels like a great invitation Nine. Thank you. I look forward to what arises next in the space between us. We have a whole month in your honor!

9: Oooff! That is a lot of change coming our way. Okay! We got this!


Gabriel Heartman is an emoto-spiritual men’s and women’s facilitator, energy healer, writer, poet, and heartist with the SoulFullHeart Way of Life.  Visit for more information about space holding sessions, group calls, videos, community, etc.

Visit our website to offer a money donation to support our offerings at https://www.soulfullheartwayoflife/donations.

How To Be The ‘I’ Of Your Inner Storm

I am going back into my writing vault to bring back a series I did about art and my healing journey. It was a time of going deep into the bowels of my pain and using a charcoal stick to bring out what was lying within. Though the subject matter looks and feels unsavory, the light of a new awareness and relationship to myself was unmistakable. It has taken the time it has taken, but it all began with a movement, a choice, and a desire to own and love my pain. What I am now discovering as my inner feminine seeking her place within the court, and core, of my heart.

You don’t need to consider yourself an ‘artist’ to simply draw what you feel. It is energy and energy expresses itself in a multitude of ways that doesn’t always look like something in particular. The stick figures I drew were perfect for what I needed to express what I was feeling. If I let a punishing or critical voice expect something more I would not have gotten to the real purpose of the drawing.

This one specifically centered around the inner critical voice I had at the time. It was one that had been with me for as long as could remember and does come out at times to be felt. This was an energy that I deeply desired to tap into as it created extreme energy drops and reactive fusions. As we awaken to the largess of our being, we inevitably wake up our inner demons and dragons. The way we relate to them is what brings about the deepest change. Here is a guided meditation I did to meet and love your inner critic/punisher:

When this energy would come up it would kick up all my other parts inside me and whirl through me like a tornado wreaking havoc. I did not see that at the time but needed the eyes and open heart of another (through Jelelle and Raphael) to reflect that back to me so that I let that in because I WAS the tornado and not the ‘I’ of the storm. If you wish to read more you can go here:…/healing-art-day-1-critical…/

Art is a powerful tool to access the nooks and treasure troves of our heart and soul. It is the feminine act of creation and intuition that births the mirror of what it is that we are meant to look at and receive with our heart-eyes. It is not just drawing but any form of creative expression that is the gift of our humanity to cultivate and explore to the depths of our being. If you are curious to feel more into the integration and exploration of your own creative healing journey, please contact me or visit the link below. It is a journey that promises to take you to where you need to go, not necessarily where parts of you may expect to go.


Gabriel Heartman is an emoto-spiritual men’s and women’s facilitator, energy healer, writer, poet, and heartist with the SoulFullHeart Way of Life.  Visit for more information about space holding sessions, group calls, videos, community, etc.

Visit our website to offer a money donation to support our offerings at https://www.soulfullheartwayoflife/donations.

Art As A Mirror And A Doorway Into The Heart And Soul

Bringing outside what lives inside can be the beginning of a vast exploration of the myriad energies that make up the wholeness of You.

The picture below was done during a time (around 2014 I think) when I was feeling a deep depression that felt almost immovable. While I was in it I feel like I needed to get it out rather than letting it envelop me. I can remember the feeling of barely getting the paper on the table and grabbing the charcoal stick. It needed to be charcoal because it looked just like I felt. Dark and grey.

I remember having no clue what I wanted to draw and just let the feeling travel from my heart to my hands and it translated to a swirl of grey in the center. I was swirling on the inside so it matched. Then it got darker and darker. I smudged the charcoal because that is what I felt like too…smudged. As I stared at the picture a began to feel how I was in this tunnel like environment, on the inside looking out. Wanting to feel something different than what I was feeling. Wanting to feel lighter. Freer. Less confined and dismal.

Then as I felt this energy leaving my being and bleeding its way onto the paper, I felt to draw the figure sitting on the floor of this tunnel staring out. Looking…watching…waiting. I could feel this being as different than me at that moment. He was me and not me at the same time. He was a part or aspect of me that felt this way. He was looking for someone to connect with him so he didn’t feel so hopeless. This is when the depression became not who I was, but held by a part of me that had a story and a reason.

This act spurred on other pictures that were not all that detailed. They were simple yet had emotional substance and a reality held by something inside of me that was not all of me. It became less about depression and more about self-discovery. The sunrise of curiosity was breaching the infinite ocean of despair and I had a relationship to it….to him, or maybe it was always Her. My hidden and disowned feminine wanting to be claimed by her King. Either way, it changed my relationship both emotionally and physically to my depression.

Even if you don’t fancy yourself an ‘artist’ the act of moving something on paper, canvass, or computer screen, can open a doorway to your heart and soul that invites a relationship, a curiosity, and a compassion. This is more than just art therapy, but a beginning to discovering the lost and hidden aspects of what and who you really are in both the shadow and the light. It moves from the paper back into You in a whole new way that doesn’t just provide relief but a new consciousness that can lift you into new technicolor timelines.

Gabriel Heartman is an emoto-spiritual men’s and women’s facilitator, energy healer, writer, poet, and heartist with the SoulFullHeart Way of Life.  Visit for more information about space holding sessions, group calls, videos, community, etc.

Visit our website to offer a money donation to support our offerings at https://www.soulfullheartwayoflife/donations.

What Being A Millennial Means To Me

By Raianna Shai

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about what being a “millennial” really means. Part of me is still very attached to TV shows but sometimes interesting things can come out of watching them. Many of the current shows that are airing now mention current generations in some form or another – an aspect that is actually reflective of these generations. Millennials received much attention and analysis for some time but the attention is now shifting to Generation Z.

If you don’t know much about what these generations are known for, I’ll start by generalizing an entire age group of people (not a very millennial or gen z thing to do 😉 . These two generations have brought a rise in social media, selfies, technological knowledge, political awareness, social justice, political correctness, sensitivity, sexual openness and acceptance, gender fluidity, desire for self love, support of marijuana legalization, awareness of racism and sexism, digital nomads, etc. What first comes to mind when I feel into the connection of all of these things: self awareness.

When I feel into what being a millennial means to me, self awareness is what I think of first. This can be shown in so many unique and diverse ways and has given our generations mixed reviews. On the shadow side, self awareness can be displayed as narcissism, self-centeredness, finding love and approval through likes on a selfie or post, looking at magazines as a resource for how you’re supposed to look, valuing money and material possessions as signs that you’ve “made it” and that you may actually be worth something and so much more. You can see this in people my age and feel all sorts of judgement and anger about what they choose to care about, but what I see in this pattern is fear.

A fear that we can’t possibly live up to the expectations of generations before us. The generations that were lucky if they could land a lucrative career, get married and have a beautiful family. These were the things that everyone wanted, it was the American dream. But something has shifted in the collective consciousness around this. Houses got more expensive, relationships became more complicated, people were getting tired of not being who they really were or getting what they really wanted. Values changed, passions were different and it was hard for parents to understand. Happiness no longer came with the “typical” life but what it did come with was fear. The fear of not being accepted, of not being loved by our families because we wanted something different, even the fear of not being accepting enough of other people in our generation.

So some turned to the only thing they knew that could prove they were doing something right: likes, follows, subscribers. Sure, parts can judge this as narcissism and a heavy focus on looks as a means of receiving love. But what’s really interesting is that something amazing started to come from this. Likes and comments were leading to 16 year-olds making money from their passion for make-up artistry. Kids and teenagers were able to do what they loved, from their own home, while going to school and becoming well-known and sometimes even paid. Travelling was made possible through working online and making a living just by talking about their passion for their lifestyle.

So then we feel into the light side of self awareness. This leads to compassion, open mindedness, interest in political and social issues, noticing how we affect others, valuing how we treat ourselves, changing the way we use our words and shift our energy, reevaluating what our passion really is and what we want to do with it – more love and less fear. If I’ve learned anything this past week, it’s that you can’t have the light without the dark.

It feels like it was almost imperative to have a wave of self consciousness. From that blooms the awareness that the approval of others themselves does not lead to happiness, but that their support and your own confidence in yourself can lead to you doing something you really love.

When I see videos of young kids giving motivational speeches, high school students speaking out for their rights, and people my age loving others despite their appearance, race, or sexuality – that’s when I know something’s changing. Collective consciousness is shifting to a higher frequency, and the “evidence” is right in front of our eyes. Some of us are here to be lawmakers, rule breakers, and game changers but if I could feel in my heart one more thing that I want for this ever changing world? More real love, more truth, more heart and soul. We are not victims to our circumstances, we are given every single experience for a reason and we chose it. If we shift the way we see our lives and ourselves we could easily go from powerless to powerful and that – that would change us and the world.

If I could wish for anything it would be for us humans to lay down our weapons and our fists, to set aside our fears of not fitting in or being loved, to no longer need labels or defenses, and to go IN. Go into our hearts and feel compassion for ourselves and the parts of US that are scared, first. We can fight and even love on the outside all we want, but the biggest, brightest and most beautifully catalytic change that can happen is inside. We all so badly want something from the world and from others but what if we can find all of that and MORE right here at home in ourselves.

Raianna Shai is a SoulFullHeart facilitant and social media maven for SoulFullHeart Way Of Life. Visit for more information about sessions, programs, Unity Meditations, videos, community, etc. Return LOVE in money form: or visit our Patreon page to become a monthly supporter:

Day 4 ~ Journal To The Demiurge

Journal To The Demiurge with Raphael Awen Day 4

By Raphael Awen

(This is Day 4 of an ongoing series, to begin at day 1, go here:

Raphael: Top of the morning crew! Beautiful Motley Crew! It’s 4:44 am on December 24, and I’m feeling good to go again, running on some new high octane adrenaline. How is everyone else doing?, who wants to check in?

Rhodes: Hello Everyone. This is Rhodes. I’m liking the recap yesterday, Raphael, that you started in on of your earliest journey into the whole God awareness thing, which was also my earliest journey this life of awakening. I’m hoping you’ll continue on those stories. I know I was there for all of that, but there is a way, I never felt any of that then. I just was that. What I’m feeling now is the comparison of one on hand, the backdrop of our desires to go to new and expanded places of consciousness that we can’t even quite name or fathom yet, though it’s fun to try for sure, compared with this tension of feeling the past, and overlaying it onto the future, side by side in the Now, and somehow that opens a portal, an entry portal. And until we feel the so called past, then we aren’t done with it. The whole point of the past was the feeling of it, so if we haven’t felt it, we’re not done with it, or it isn’t done with us, and is very much in the Now. That’s what I’m feeling.

Merlin: Rhodes, you’ve been totally holding out on us. That is some really cool shit. The drama of our stories are a storehouse of magic that we’ve collectively been afraid of up till now. The magic contained in our stories gets activated the more we are willing to feel it, but most fear the unknown of their own magic and where it wants to take them. I’m dying to have some fun, and this challenge before us of attempting to connect with the Demiurge feels as exciting as it gets. I do get the need to feel the past, to dial it into the present, to let the past time-travel into the Now, where there is a curious heart for it to land in that wasn’t there before. Hell, take me for instance, I didn’t even know I existed up until recently, till Raphael was willing to realize my reality, bridge me into his dimension, so I could feel my own dimension and then bridge between the two.

Raphael: My goodness, I have to like pause for minutes after one of you speaks to let in the bandwidth of the frequencies you are vibrating at, and even then, I’m hesitant to break the spell. How cool that is! It adds to the adrenaline I’ve been on the past few days adjusting to these new frequencies, since all this started and it is really exciting. Metatron, I have to ask your input before I go back to my journey…

Metatron: I’m luvin’ it. I’m loving the feeling and healing space here. I know all of us have questions about how we are going to gain audience with the Demiurge, and then wondering what his demeanor towards us will be, if and when we do gain audience, and I’m feeling in all of that, a ‘not-knowing our way to knowing’. It’s so freeing to admit our cluelessness and just want what we want. I’ve learned that from watching you actually, Raphael, over and over again, and I never get tired of the lesson. It always comes out in the wash.

Raphael: Morning love fest! Thank you. I’ll take that, with room for more. Yumm.

I’m feeling to ask if there’s any trepidation in the room about us talking so freely about the Demiurge. I mean yesterday, who was it, Jim, right, went off about the Bible being horseshit, and then it went a bit downhill from there…even got Merlin swearing…

Rhodes: I’ll take the bait on that one if I may again. I’m still taking in and remembering what you said Metatron from day one that everything, and everyone, and every last stitch of consciousness, gets its lease from love to have existence. That I feel includes the Demiurge, though it’s taken me a while to get there. If that’s true, that even he’s made of love, then he’s just what we see as a strange pretzeled version of love somehow, that we haven’t figured out yet. I’ll bet, we look kind of strange to him too for that matter, so if he needs to make jokes about us, to himself and his cohorts, like we are about him, then I say that’s all good. I just don’t feel like he’s some big boogeyman that has the power to cave the roof in on our heads for talking freely.

Okay, that was a bit spacious, because not all of me is liking him by any means. He’s fucked over humanity for a long time and that shit needs to stop. Sorry, I just can’t use pretty language to talk about the pain. I still feel a lot of anger for sure about the journey it’s taken to come to this place of a bit of space around my anger.

Raphael: Wow, Rhodes, you nailed a bunch right there. That answered the tension really well, and opens it out too. Thank you.

So, with that then, I think I’ll pick up for a bit from where I left off. This story telling to an interested and curious audience, in all of your ears and in the ears of the Demiurge itself, is moving something in me.

Let’s see, where was I before Jim took over yesterday with his Holy Horseshit Bible comparisons?

Merlin: You were leaving the family church for the chandelier swinging one.

Raphael: Yes, thank you. So I get myself settled into this new church and Bible School, riding my bicycle across town each morning. About 6 or 7 Months later, one bright soul and beautiful woman in the church (whom I’ll call Mar-yam as that name seems to fit her soul) and I get together over some volunteer mission efforts doing graphics in the church office and we hit the ground running. I’m a bit surprised, but it so answers a palpable loneliness that a part of me was consciously wrestling with. Our first date feels great over some higher end pizza. We talk openly and get ourselves squared away on the no-sex thing, even to the point of theorizing together that kissing is a form of sex and that its rightful ‘god ordained’ place is in the context of engagement, as in engaged to be married. I admit, I came up with that one.

So, what we dredged up was that dating is the rightful context for the spirit to come together; engagement is the place for the souls to come together; and marriage is the place for the bodies to come together. We took the whole ‘no sex before marriage’ thing to way overblown proportions that no one was pushing on us. Looking back, it’s so apparent that the one place the parts of us were resonating around was a big discomfort in our sexuality, again, pawning it off as ‘dedication to God’ for safekeeping.

I mentioned yesterday the earlier 11 month relationship from my previous church setting where the bliss so suddenly ended, that was a year or so prior to this one now emerging with Mar-yam. I see now that the undigested pain of not being able to grieve the loss of that earlier bliss, made a part of me feel I had disappointed or displeased God somehow. Her name was Cheryl, and Cheryl and I had kissed like there was no tomorrow, and we must have gotten outside of ‘Gods Order’ somehow, or it wouldn’t have ended so painfully. I so wanted this new relationship to have God’s blessing, as part of me felt there was no room to go through another loss on this level, ever. No room for any more trial and error. Why suffer in error when you can have God’s truth instead?

We had each of our wired-up woundings resonating like two tuning forks that so played into each others dynamics, but also our leading edge desires and dreams were also resonating for sure. An easy closeness and trust unfolded inside of these extra-safe self-imposed boundaries we charted out together. Maryam confided her pain early on around intense sexual abuse by her dad, and a wandering into some sexual promiscuity as a result that preceded her reach out to God.

We shared a big excitement to make our lives ‘really count for God’. Maryam had also recently abandoned an attempt at joining a catholic convent in line with her families church background, and so we both felt excited about being in this new, very different, cutting edge church and bible school that was so set to really go places and achieve big things for God. Maryam was also the church secretary and led aspects of the church services and was a personal friend of the Pastors to boot. We wanted more than anything to serve as teachers and leaders in an adventurous foreign missionary kind of setting, with our new church’s brand of excitement and passion.  ‘Please, God, anything but aimless western living and its values and boredom’.

I’ve since been able to feel several parts of me, and parts of my Metasoul too, who were activated at this time in my life with all the new beginnings. Part of me privately fancied itself more than anything being a great preacher, able to cast spells, of the godly variety, over audiences. I had also completely abandoned before entering bible school, a tech school trajectory where I was fixing to get a technicians certificate for drafting or surveying, to upgrade the kind of work I was doing. God, and the world didn’t need another draftsman. It needed a preacher with the truth! My employer must have agreed, because when things slowed down slightly, I was let go shortly after being talked to for distributing religious ‘tracts’ in the office.

With all those juices flowing right along between Maryam and I, along with the ‘no kissing while dating’ rule, it was only a month before we kissed, and so we both agreed that we were now engaged. We crossed over the line we set for ourselves. She was 24, and I was 21, and we were married after a 5 month engagement with lots of sanctioned kissing. It was a long road to my inner teenager finally getting laid, and to ‘giving my virginity to God’, and to my wife, but it felt great, it felt so right, and with God’s guarantee and blessing to boot! We never looked back, for a long time, until we did, some 20 years later.


Metatron: What are you feeling, Raphael?

Raphael: yeah…. feel and heal, feel and heal…

Metatron: I’m just vibing again what I learned from you…

Raphael: Thank you Metatron, time to digest a bit here isn’t it?

As I’m sharing this story, it’s changing me on the inside again. I’m feeling the part of me then, very present in this Now, Marvin, as I was named then, and have since differentiated and gotten to know as a part of me, who so wanted so much, and wanted to bargain with God to get that ‘so much’, who was also afraid to get anything less. ‘I’ll give you all this God, if you’ll give me that’.

I’m also feeling how much pain Marvin carried inside of his bones too that began around being conceived inside of the cocoon of my mom’s deep and unmoving depression, from his very conception, born into my mom’s lineage of feminine suppression under a patriarchal God, with a patriarchal dad, and a patriarchal husband, and a mom and entire social world in similar lockdown. I know that by the time Marvin made it through the gauntlet of his teens, through the these sudden shifts, he wanted to find the ‘lying down in green pastures’ spoken of in Psalm 23. He wanted to find the way to live that was blessed and guaranteed by God. He was so stunningly surprised that the adult world was actually this fucked up, and no one was doing anything about it, though he had now parted with that kind of language, and anything else that could be remotely considered a vice.

Marvin has since gone on to transmute into my Inner Child, and then my Magical Child, and even beyond as I feel him mostly now in my Star-seed Galactic Self that arose recently whom I call Andy. We sometimes sing our own version of the familiar Sunday School song ‘Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me, Andy tells me I am his own’, which is kind of a perfect digestion of all that God seeking churchy feelings of how it was connection with our own being we were seeking the whole time. We couldn’t see that for what it was and so we arranged for ‘God’ to hold that for safekeeping.

Merlin: Andy is like the friggin’ best! He knows fun and wonderworld walking like no one I know. If you want to go play, call on Marvin, or Andy rather, or both! Let’s get this party started in here.

Raphael: I know right. It’s a bit serious in here isn’t it, but I just have one more piece to feel today and it gets to the heart of this journey to face the Demiurge.

Merlin: Okay, that’s good too, I’m sure it will lead to fun eventually.

Raphael: I think so too, Merlin, and thank you for your patience… 🙂

The piece that is dawning in me, and on me, is feeling how much I, and my beloved parts of me shaped God in my own image, even created this creator being. Granted, It was my family conditioning this life that got me up and running with this set to my sails, but I needed to shape this God into a spaceholder of my Higher Self that I couldn’t consciously yet see or feel inside my own heart.

I’m looking for the right words to put around this…

I mean in the sense that I was afraid of my own heart and its capacity to feel. I know that wasn’t just about this life’s wounding though this life wounding was also needed to backlight it all in order for it to come to the light of day.

You could say, I used God, projected onto God, the Demiurge, my unconscious sense of my Higher Self.

Metatron, can you help me out here, what am I trying to put words around?

Metatron: What I feel it as is kind of simple. You made God into the monster that he had no choice but to become; becoming dis-eased with a greatness that he, and it, was unable to bear, having neither earned it, nor being worthy of it. And as they say ‘power tends to corrupt, and absolute power corrupts absolutely’. You, along with the rest of us, made the Demiurge into an ‘absolute authority’; an ‘outside of us’ projection of our innate perfection and power, that we couldn’t yet relate with. That’s enough to cook anyone’s goose.

Raphael: Wow, when you put it that way, it makes me feel like I owe him an apology…

Metatron: …something to feel into, for sure. We all did this though, Raphael . And we all need to face the monster of our own creation.

Raphael: And what if there’s only a few of us ready to begin that?

Metatron: Then that makes us the ones to stand in the gap between the Demiurge and man. Sounds a bit heady, I know, but it’s real. The Demiurge doesn’t need to make his peace with all men and women individually to find and feel his remorse, his anger, his feelings. He only needs one actually, because, as with anything in the universe, the one, or any one, contains the all.

Merlin: You smoke the best stuff Metatron. I say we break and party-on at your pad. We have to get ready for Christmas a bit too which is tomorrow. Sounds like your talking total Christ child stuff, pretty timely if we’re gonna go by the Christian calendar. We could even redeem some Christmas carols out of the YouTube and have a sing along. You feel like ‘Hark the herald Angels sing’ kind of Archangel!

Raphael: Merlin, you know how to put a bow on things. That about says it for now, doesn’t it everyone? Wow, this gives us, and I know me for sure, some more digesting to do.

Let’s pick up again tomorrow. Thank you everyone, everyone here, everyone beyond, and everyone yet gathering, to form this one posse of hearts as an Ambassadorship to the Demiurge. The Demiurge, I feel is beginning to be expecting us. Thank you especially for feeling and helping me digest my own story too again today. I know I’d like another day or two to digest a few more pieces of my own story together. We are soon about to learn the Demiurge’s side of this story, but all things in their time.
Raphael Awen is co-creator, teacher, and facilitator of the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life. Visit for more information about Weekly Sessions, Live Streams, Videos, and Community.

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New Babies Announcement: SoulFullHeart FREE, PREP and DEEP

By Raphael Awen

We’re having brand new babies and these babies are going to take a beloved community to raise them!

We are launching our new PREP program this week and this has necessitated a transformation and naming of our other two previously nameless babies that we’ve had up till now, as FREE and DEEP.

Our new program offerings are now called, FREE, PREP and DEEP.

We’re so excited we can hardly stand it!

FREE is free, a ton of fresh-baked goodies that we send out almost every day through a host of channels, creating virtual cafes and libraries for you to find your way in. In FREE, you can acclimate to and take in the signature SoulFullHeart energies that we feel you can’t find anywhere else. You can create a lot of movement and shifts in your life just by taking in these free offerings and allowing them to move through you and your view of life and relationships. FREE is actually at the heart of what we offer and we put so much into it, because we want to, and because it’s our funnest fun.

PREP is the next level of significant engagement. For $77 USD minimum donation per month, you can become a PREP member. In PREP, you will receive three weekly SoulFullHeart Process program assignments each month tailored to getting to know and feel aspects of yourself in alignment with your Ascension journey. There are also three facilitated and recorded group calls every month that you can join in live or take in afterwards, at your leisure, with other PREP and DEEP members, to have space to process what you are digesting. Another BIG support structure is the SoulFullHeart Circle, a members-only private forum to share your assignments, digestions, and form new relationships based in the SoulFullHeart way of life. With this expanded engagement of your intentionality along with the weekly process assignments, the group calls, and the Circle, you will be able to make much deeper and grounded life changes that your heart and soul have been wanting to make, with all of that based in getting to know and feel parts of yourself, rather than a self-help regimen overlay of what you ‘should’ do.

In PREP, for an additional minimum donation of $55 USD, you can also schedule a 75 to 90 minute personal session with one of the SoulFullHeart facilitators as you feel the need for specific digestions.

PREP is a self-guided program where you have a ton of resources to choose from that you can engage with at your own pace and allow life to flow with you and your discoveries and shifts.

The details for PREP along with a ‘Buy Now’ button can be found here. If you are ready, you can sign up immediately. All you need to do is make the minimum donation (or more) and we’ll send you our welcome letter and get you oriented. No commitment beyond the month is required.

Then comes DEEP for a minimum monthly donation of $222 USD a month. You can dive in here if you want to, but you may not want to. Depends. We’ll meet with you first to discuss what you are looking for and how we and the DEEP program could serve you. DEEP includes all of the PREP program, as well as the FREE program, which form the foundations for the DEEP program.

What DEEP offers beyond this foundation is going through the same weekly assignments that are offered in PREP, but along with having a recurring weekly personal session space with one of the program facilitators (Gabriel, Kalayna or Raphael, with Jelelle as a senior facilitator working with women who have completed a minimum of three months in DEEP) too. This is all-in for a minimum donation of $222 USD per month.

As you are using all of the tools and means to support your process of getting to discover, know and love parts of yourself, the sessions provide a space for these parts to come to life. They will feel the light and love of a new day, as you are also templated and guided to be this new, loving, authentic self, and curious parent energy to these parts of yourself. Our wounding occured in a feeling space while in relationship and so does our healing, one beloved part at a time. If you know already that you want to go into DEEP, we want to meet with you in a Program Advisory Session led by myself (Raphael) to get you oriented and grounded. If I really feel you would be better served by PREP, we will talk about that together as well. We ask for a minimum donation of $33 USD for this one hour Program Advisory Session. Go here if you’d like to purchase that and I will be in touch to set that up with you.

The details for DEEP can be found here. Information about the brand NEW SoulFullHeart Process can be found here.

We believe this stuff down to our core. We walk what we talk and we live it everyday. Serving it to others is an extension of that. We believe with all of our hearts that you will not find anything like it anywhere. We’ve looked high and low. That’s a bold claim, I know, but how is it that any lesser claim could be enough for you?

If this resonates for you, please join us and become a part of the community that it’s going to take for the raising of these new babies – SoulFullHeart FREE, PREP and DEEP.

We will be more than delighted for each and every one of you that desire to be a part of this and what the road ahead calls us, all together, to show up for.

In Heart,

Raphael Awen, on behalf of all of us here in SoulFullHeart.
Raphael Awen is co-creator, teacher, and facilitator of the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life. Visit for more information about Weekly Sessions, Live Streams, Videos, and Community.

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The Portal To Your Wildest Dreams Lies With(yin)



Taking in a new arising desire for creativity after yesterday’s deep rest gestation gateway. It has a more balanced masculine approach to it. In a state of creation without production. This writing may not see publication. Who knows? I don’t even really know what I am focusing on today. Just being in the Now with what is moving through me. Letting feeling and intuition guide the way.

This creative motor is the root of our BEing. We are constantly creating. Responding to our inner emotional needs, fears, and desires. I desire to serve others in the name of Love through and with the SoulFullHeart process. I respond to that desire with writing, recording, meditating, connecting, and living the process in my daily life. I desire to heal, so I respond to that with feeling my inner world of parts and metasouls as the need arises in life and relationship triggers. It is not always neat and tidy. Matter of fact, it is rarely so because emotions are just not meant to be that way. If our Higher Self didn’t want to feel and experience all of this, you and I just would not be here. This is still a bit to swallow, especially if you have had, or are going through, some really serious shit.

There is a deep desire for geography change as part of this new timeline of “What is it that you really want?” comes into full view. So many desires sitting at the docks of our harbor waiting for sailing. I can feel myself in new lands, taking in new vistas, and new people to serve in Love. A mobile, responsive healing brigade of Love lovers spreading the gospel (good news) of parts work, metasoul healing, and practical ascension. Love wanting to heal the shadow into more Love. I respond to this by dreaming, imagining, and feeling the resistances and doubts within.

This gift of dreaming is what carries you through each day. It can also be what burdens a part of you too. Like, “How in the hell can I make THAT happen when there is THIS in my way!”. Yeah, good question. Well, the way is feeling what part of you is actually saying that because it ain’t you. If you are seeing the dream, feeling the dream, you are already the dream. But is just doesn’t feel like it because you are still ‘here’. “How can I be there if I am still here?” Yup…good question.

I would ask you where ‘here’ is. What does it feel like emotionally? Not situationally or geographically. Then you would respond to this feeling as being held by a part of you. Most generally an Inner Protector or Gatekeeper. Gaining separation from it so you can have a relationship to it. It is your Relation Ship. The one that you then unanchor from the dock and start sailing the tides of your emotional body with You at the helm. It ebbs and flows but you make forward progress each time to the destination you are dreaming about. In reality, you are already there, it is just these parts of you that are catching up to you. Feeling it that way gives you an empowered process rather than feeling stuck in the mud with your wheels turning. Alchemical traction.

Feeling through all the things that keep you from manifesting your dreams, feeling an inner joy, or discovering your passion purpose is what moves you to the next serendipitous moment of ‘coincidence’ and draw. Thinning out the distance between your heart and your imagination. It is not about HOW you are going to make it happen in a 3D sense, it is about WHAT you want, or are going to make happen. The timing is not up to you, but the choice to feel and heal is. Taking that step to transform your inner world is portal that takes you where you already are…in your wildest dreams.

Gabriel Heartman is an emoto-spiritual men’s and women’s facilitator, energy healer, writer, poet, and heartist with the SoulFullHeart Way of Life.  Visit for more information about space holding sessions, group calls, videos, community, etc.

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Becoming Your ButterFly Self

By Jelelle Awen



You are outgrowing that previously necessary cocoon. That safety place to bake, to ache, to create. That place removed, sometimes isolated, sometimes feeling dark void space. No longer able to be in a lesser 3D ground where others may be more comfortable meeting you there, even as you are growing taller than their imaginations can imagine yet.
You have been surrendering to the process of BEing the transforming caterpillar until now. Tucked into the birthing space, sometimes gestating, sometimes thrashing, sometimes searching for a deeper and wider understanding. Sometimes missing your precious forms, shapes, and ways that were in the known. You are becoming more comfortable in the unknown and in the space where Infinite Possibilities pose no obvious limits.
You are BEing created as you are creating the life and timeline that you most want and desire. The timeline shimmers like a mirage in the distance, yet it comes ever closer with every choice of love. With every choice to love even fear, even darkness, even denser, even differences. The timeline of your highest purpose to serve love comes closer with every shift of heart from comparison to inspiration; from judging to compassion; from taking to sharing; from polarization to unification.
You are BEing created as your Butterfly Self….to eventually emerge, to burst out of any kind of safety or limits, to always be growing. You are BEing the metamorphosis into your arising Sacred Human in fleshy form. You are ready to be born. You are ready to spread your wings. Now, you are ready to FLY!


Jelelle Awen is an Emoto-Spiritual Teacher, Sacred Feminine and Sacred Union Facilitator, Soul Scribe, waySHOWer, and co-creator and teacher of the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life. She is author of  Sacred Human, Arising Wonder: Ascension Through Integration Of Your Emotional Body With Your Spirituality and  Keep Waking Up! Awakening Journeys To Avalon And Beyond.

Visit for more information about space holding sessions and a free intro session, group calls, videos, etc. Visit our patreon page to offer a monthly or one time money donation to support our offerings at


Emotional Body Portal To 5D Manifestation


By Raphael Awen

You can work hard to manifest the future you want here in 3D like most people do, OR, you can ‘let-in’ the future your 5D/higher self has for you, or you can have some degree of both.

It’s important though not to see and feel the 3D kind of manifestation as lower or lesser. We all need and needed the time we did, and do, in normal everyday kind of 3D manifestation. After all, as a soul being, that’s what we came here for. We had too much of the 5D kind of manifestation actually. So we embraced the realm of duality, resistance and push-back as a sacred training ground to learn and feel ways of being and learning that we couldn’t experience any other way than we could but here in 3D, as a launching pad into other domains and dimensions, to discover what we actually always were, but didn’t know it.

As we complete some of these lessons, we naturally gravitate back towards the home we are and the home know from our higher self’s perspective.

For instance, we can spend decades embroiled in trying to get ahead financially, or socially, or maybe just really focused trying to be a better person in some way, shape or form. We all know what that looks like. But what would a 5D way of approaching manifestation look and feel like?

The 5D self doesn’t live inside of time or space constraints like our 3D self does. The 5D self can ‘time travel’ quite effortlessly to get a ‘read’ on what our 3D self calls the ‘future’ and ingest the vibe of that vibrational reality into our emotional body. Now, in 3D, your bank balance, let’s say, is still the same, but you can feel, so you know what this 5D bank balance and associated changes to your lifestyle will look and feel like in your future. You have the higher upstream reality in your ‘field.’ As you feel this, you are dialling this reality incubation ally into your feeling and thought patterns. You are experiencing, through what we call creative visualization, the feeling tones of this new and higher timeline. You are beginning to spend less time resistively in anxiety about the future, keeping your 3D generator running full speed and are instead allowing your 5D generator to come more and more to the foreground. As we are multidimensional, we have capacity to run as hybrids (3, 4, and 5D simultaneously) and all of us are doing this to varying degrees. Our 3D reality is a projection of our higher upstream reality of 5D.

As you let in this new feeling toned reality of relating to life, you go on to feel how all this talk of past, present and future are all just concepts to help keep your 3D self from flipping out. You already have your future, and your future is manifesting in and through your present. You can visit your past in the now and feel and heal the happenings there and then feel a relieved you in the present having changed the past! Wild stuff for sure, but I feel this to be what the new frontier of our awakening consciousness is offering us.

The coolest and biggest entry point I can offer you as a portal into this brave new world is through the emotional body. All this bigness I am describing and vibing to you is resonating because it’s already in you, it is you, spring loaded, yet tethered and anchored by the emotional wounding we all carry in our emotional bodies. Emotional body healing through getting to know and feel parts of ourselves naturally releases the charges and lowers the walls that keep our higher dimensional experiences at bay in our lives. This approach to our spirituality and emotionality turns the ascetic disciplinary ‘meditate all day’ approach on its head.

You don’t need to focus on attainments and enlightenments. You get to be deeply with what is, things that actually reconcile you to you, things that let your higher self essence flow more uninhibited into the sacred present domains of your present ‘can’t get any more sacred’ life. The changes you desire are all part of the setup. So are any deep resistive patterns, addictions, and dis – ease in your body…all of it awaiting your intention, discovery and choice.

Raphael Awen is co-creator, teacher, and facilitator of the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life. Visit for more information about sessions, group calls, videos, community, etc.

Return LOVE in money form: or visit our Patreon page to become a monthly supporter: