The Desire To Mate And Create As Sacred Humans

by Kalayna Colibri



We are wired for creation it seems, as human BEings, and especially as Sacred Humans arising more and more through ascension… CREATE-ures, who have been created and yet also co-created, constantly, consistently, without end. We are moving more and more into a state of CONSCIOUS co-creation with each other, the Divine, even ourselves, especially for those of us who engage in processes where we can really feel and get to know ourselves like in the ‘parts work’ we offer and embody through SoulFullHeart.

Our desire to create comes from our god-ness, for the Divine is always creating, recreating, co-creating too and we are intrinsically connected to all of that and the ALL. Multiple timelines appear on our radars, wanting us to feel more, become more, feel where we are in the moment, yet also see what we are energizing as the truest truth of who we are and the life we’re living. To acknowledge our creativity in every moment is to claim and inhabit our power again, to acknowledge ourselves as high-beaming BEings again. We are the writers of our own stories, we are bringing in energy to support or neglect our deepest desires. We are given gateways to walk through that want to bring us more outward into the harvest of our inward glances and journeys. We are brought into new territories via the vehicle of ‘I want’ and the sidecar of ‘I need’, ever-connected to quantum will, quantum desires, quantum needs that over-arch everything, everyone, every other CREATE-ure imaginable.

There’s a dance here, with self and the Divine and with each other too. We are partnered in creation, as we are all ONE anyways, yet find our individual expressions of this too. We are inclined to find dance partners through different waves and ways of relationships. We are romantic in our hearts, always imagining something (though parts of us may dismiss this for different phases), always wanting (though again, parts may be burying this for different phases), always needing something, though this can ultimately be boiled down to a much deeper need for LOVE… how could this love dance, this wanting dance, not turn into a mating dance too? First with self, then with other? How could our beautifully filling-up hearts and ever-glowing, growing souls not want to collaborate and co-create with another in sacred union, creating from an ‘usness’ of beauty and ever-purifying love and self-discovery? This collaborative sort of relationship is what could be difficult to accept into our lives, especially for those who feel they have only become to get themselves sorted out, let alone let in a sacred union romance that will scramble their worlds up again. Yet, THIS is what creativity feels like to me… a creating and then a dismantling, only to create something new and perhaps better or more fulfilling than before!

There is a sacredness to every single desire and ache in our hearts for more or less or even something completely different than we’ve experienced so far. We are creating this sacredness from our own sacredness that can never die or be abandoned though it can certainly be buried. We are being tuned back into these frequencies that remind us of our aliveness, our need to align truly with our hearts and want we want to create,  while illuminating what we’ve been creating instead. We are given this illumination as a powerful opportunity and it is entirely our own creative choice as to whether or not we step into it. ❤


Kalayna Colibri is a SoulFullHeart facilitator for women around (and under) the age of 30, energy healer, indigo-crystal bridge, writer, and poetess. Visit for more information about space holding sessions, group calls, videos, community, etc. Visit our patreon page to offer a money donation to support our offerings at

Rediscovering That Creative Heart In Us, Beyond Self Punishment

by Kalayna Colibri


When I was a teenager, creative outlets ‘saved’ me in a way… especially exploring my creativity in private, or at least as private of a setting as I could find. I was doing regular dance classes and you would think that was helpful too, yet there was something about being in a ‘class’ setting such as this, that stoked the fires of comparison to others for parts of me that I couldn’t feel directly. Perhaps if I could have, I wouldn’t have kept doing these classes, but it’s hard to say. They were helpful for many reasons and yet, they were painful too. It was more often the dancing, singing, performing that I did for invisible audiences (likely higher selves of soul family and maybe star being family and guides too at the time!) who would inevitably adore me and enjoy my performances with no cloaked judgments or making parts of me feel self-conscious, that I thoroughly enjoyed. These parts of me so needed this, growing up in this 3D reality where we are taught to judge others and ourselves for just about everything so soon in our lives, and always, it feels like, because our caregivers and teachers are overflowing with this judgement toward themselves first.

These times in my parents’ basement were so sacred… I even remember buying a headset mic that was meant for a computer, so I could wear it like a pop star! Sometimes I sang, sometimes I lip-synched instead. But it was ALL fun and most of the time, I somehow managed to free myself from self-judgment frequencies because from me to me, I had space to enjoy being with ME.

There’s something about our ways of expressing ourselves creatively that pings for me now, especially as just an hour ago I was singing my heart out a bit, for the first time in a LONG time and I have to say it felt really, REALLY good… my heart wanted to sing out in expression and love. Reconnecting with music that I used to listen and sing to many years ago. I could feel part of me feeling self-conscious, wondering if the whole complex that I live in could hear me singing… and worse yet, that they would think I was awful. And then, I also felt how in these precious moments I didn’t actually care if they did and if they judged. So both were true for me and that’s okay. It felt important to give myself permission to just BE in the music, let something roll out of my heart, have some FUN too. Give myself permission to NOT be perfect or seek perfection in any way. Just sing OUT. I feel there is so something in this for all of us, perhaps especially in this process of ascension that’s happening so quickly for so many of us and can have such intense phases physically, emotionally, spiritually, etc. Where did our creativity go that could carry us through and that was given to us to help life feel like MAGIC again and stoke our imaginations so we can blaze like the LOVE stars we truly are?

As our inner-punishment heals, especially through this work we call SoulFullHeart where we work with and deeply feel the parts of us who hold these frequencies, we can begin to be more in our creative magic again. This feels so important to me, because we ARE creating in every single moment as we really can’t help but do and BE this as human beings! We are creation constantly creating… we shift these frequencies of what this creativity draws when we reclaim our power and see what we’ve been drawing instead of what we actually want.

And so, I know that I hope this is only the beginning of me exploring art forms that once brought my heart out to play, though of course writing like this does that too! We are so meant to sing, to throw our heartbeams outward through dance and movement too, to let our lungs fully expel the old air and invite in the NEW. And to encourage everyone to do the same… without polish or perfection but just our human ISness that wants and aches to come out and play again, create and recreate a magical life again, love ourselves everything about us again and again and again…



Kalayna Colibri is a SoulFullHeart facilitator for women around (and under) the age of 30, energy healer, indigo-crystal bridge, writer, and poetess. Visit for more information about space holding sessions, group calls, videos, community, etc. Visit our patreon page to offer a money donation to support our offerings at


A Guided Tour To The Heart Of The Cosmos With Archangel Metatron



By Raphael Awen

This  morning I was given a guided tour to the heart of the cosmos.

I know this sounds strange to many ears. It would have sounded strange to me too not that long ago. I invite you to feel past this strange feeling and come along with me and feel this journey.

Please don’t exclude yourself. This is the simple, and completely magical domain of self-permission and creative visualization. This is your and my galactic gateway to all that is.

It began with feeling and connecting this morning with my most recent and dearest guides. Archangel Metatron has become more and more comfortable to reach out to and feel as often as I need and want to on a daily basis. Merlin is my other front and center guide lately, and he is my unicorn. We all have access to these beings.

They wanted me to see and feel the tube extending from the top of my head that they said, connects to all that is. I was of course totally excited and up for that. The three of us took a position outside and well above my body and looked at this tube that was a diameter similar to the diameter of my head, and luminescent and white in color, and extending as far upward as the eye could see. The feeling of being utterly and intelligently connected and not separate filled my awareness with a deep feeling of gratitude and reverence. It would have been enough to have just lingered here for a while and eventually return to my body.  Metatron however, asked if I’d like to explore upwards, and just his suggestion to further explore seemed to suggest there was much more to see. I jumped on Merlin’s back and the ride began. Metatron was zipping along the left side of the tube and Merlin and I were to the right. I had the feeling of doing a pipeline inspection as we moved slow enough to see the tube passing between us, as we entered the space above the earth. The tube looked healthy, complete and without any blocks. The pace picked up rapidly now and I recognized the familiar, beloved and expansive thirty five thousand feet altitude of airplane travel. No lingering here though as we moved into space itself and saw the sun and other planets in an expansive look at our solar system. There was no added sound somehow from all of our movement and I could hear and feel the sound of our solar system and then, the Milky Way Galaxy itself. Trippy to say the least.

It dawned on me that we were doing a quick tour of introduction and that my eagerness had something to do with the crazy pace we were taking. Metatron messaged me that with this introduction in place, I could come back here as often as I wished and for as long as I wished. Awesome!

We did pause here in what I guessed would be called outer space to again take in and feel. All I could feel was total reverence. My usual curiosity was in surrender to this reverence that almost totally overwhelmed me from any consciousness at all. I could see the tube extending both above and below as far as my eyes could see.

Merlin now asked if I was ready to see where this tube came from, and his question became our launch again as I felt totally in surrender to their prompt at this point. We traveled at something beyond light speed for a moment as galaxy after galaxy was left in our wake. Then we left linear travel altogether and I was messaged that my thoughts were in fact causing this shift. Then we were there.

It looked like an ocean floating before us approaching as a field of light energy. Metatron casually said ‘here we are at the heart of the cosmos.’ I wondered how many times he had taken this trip and how special it was from his point of view. He certainly felt comfortable and at ease here and I took that as my cue to compose myself similarly. Again we paused at a distance we could see the heart of the cosmos as a single entirety before us. I had the feeling that this pause was on my behalf to acclimate some before attempting to get any closer. I could see the tube now extending into the center of the heart of the cosmos before us.

As we had long left the time zone, I had no sense of time to know how long we had lingered. Metatron motioned with a nod of his head at some point for us to approach the heart of the cosmos, the heart of God. As we approached this energy field, it appeared to have some kind of a wall like membrane to it, a distinct boundary and we paused there. I felt its emanations seemingly become me. I was again messaged to walk up to it and place my hands on it, which I did and felt pulsating life and love ripple through my body. I took a step back when I thought I had felt all I could in that moment. But Metatron was vibing that we hadn’t come all this way to just stand around outside and offered that we could enter if we, meaning me, was willing to feel into, and thereby create a doorway location. I proceeded to do just that and immediately, the cosmic heart of the universe simply created what felt like an entry portal right in front of where we all stood. I gazed upon the door as I instinctively knew this was the mode of entry. A word appeared on the door and it was simply the word ‘love,’ again calibrating and preparing me to enter as I continued to gaze. The door opened and Metatron assured me it was okay to simply step in. He wanted me to go first, which with his assurance, I was sure that it was okay to step in. He and Merlin followed right behind me.

Inside was a deep and profound feeling of standing inside of intelligence itself, love itself, and so much more and all of it on an infinite scale. All I knew to do was to close my eyes and feel. As I did, I was given as many messages as I was ready to take in and feel.

One was, ‘Love can fill any container, but it cannot be contained.’ Another was ‘All doing proceeds from being.’ Words of intense wisdom and feeling were accessible as much as I was willing and able to take in completely holding my attention. My energy felt like it could stay there forever. I had no track of time, but could somehow recall the idea of time from my conditioning. Metatron again gave me assurance, as we broke this beautiful spell to connect, that this was an initiation introduction and that following this, I could simply return here, with or without his guidance as often as I wished, for as long as I wished. This helped me let go of the bliss of this feeling of the intense connection and access to all intelligence and infinite love, to let in what he had next in store.

It was now the moment to return the way we had come, but Merlin and Metatron moved towards where the tube, my heart and soul connection to the heart of the universe, actually connected to this cosmic heart, instead of the door that we had entered through. I knew we were returning through the tube, back to my earth self, rather than alongside the tube. Somehow my previous perception of the size of the tube wasn’t an issue as the three of us had tons of room to move through this tube. Its walls were completely transparent, almost as if there wasn’t any distinction between the inside and outside allowing me the experience of feeling like I was floating on a river of energy, sort of like what we called ‘tubing’ back home. How appropriate. Again entire galaxies rippled by us as we approached my home galaxy. Again, I sensed and treasured the feeling that the point of today’s journey was the introduction and the initiation, and that there would be as many opportunities and as much ‘time’ as needed to be with this infinity as I could stand.

As we made our way all the way back to my 3rd density earth body, I began to sense myself from within my body, which I hadn’t lost any cognizance of during this entire journey. In fact, I was sitting in a camp chair the entire time on my balcony in the sunrise overlooking the ocean. I was in both places at once. The energy of the three of us returning to me entering the top of my head and touching and attuning each chakra as we merged in, all the way down to my root chakra and beyond entering into the heart of Gaia.

Wowzers! From Earth to the heart of the cosmos, and all the way back again and feeling myself as a node on this highway of consciousness. And feeling this individuated node of consciousness called Raphael then extending all the way back to the heart of Gaia. How’s that for a reframe of personal identity?

I felt instead of journaling this experience privately to share it publicly. If this journey feels magical to you and something that you would be delighted to experience, I offer that if you can see it this way, it is something that is accessible to you. It may require some intention and development of your third eye to see and feel in this way, but the essence of this development is your self-permission and desire.

Journeying through creative visualization is your birthright.

Raphael Awen is co-creator, teacher, and facilitator of the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life. Please visit for more information and inspiration.

Letting Creativity Arise In The Moment

By Jelelle Awen


In this moment, at 3 A.M., even though the mind labels it as ‘middle of the night’, even though my 3D self doesn’t like ‘sleep to be disturbed’, creativity lives and breathes inside of me. All day I was working on something inside, something shifting around a current way of relating to putting words together. Letting go of a mode or role that part of me has played as writer for many, many ‘years’ now. This was coming up in response to writing now a ‘book’, for which I have previously written many, published them for a time, and then let them go again to rest back into the space where they arose from.

My higher self experiences that creativity is about the process, about the moment, not the product. Yet, my 3D self or part of me was getting a bit hung up on structure and chapters and themes and what the book would be about and what it would feature or not. Sharing on facebook has surprised me because it offers an arising medium for sharing. The stream of content floats on by, there is really no way to save it. This helps with non-attachment to what is offered.

I feel a desire for others to share their original words and thoughts more on facebook, more of their individual creativity, so that they can experience what this feels like….to create, to share, and to let it go. I invite you to feel into sharing more of your own words rather than someone else’s….let the writer, creator, teacher in you share your wisdom and love with others. This is so much more meaningful as it comes from the arising heart and is created in the moment without self consciousness rather than needing the thoughts and feelings of others.

We catch each other in moments on Facebook and on this blog, in this medium. Something I have written and shared lands in you and you click on a thumb or a heart. We collaborate in this energy exchange, both benefitting from it. This has so pleasantly surprised me after feeling not drawn for many ‘years’ to being on Facebook and sharing on it is now something that I enjoy, not strategic, but from an arising desire to share what I experience as bounty inside of my own heart and in my life.

So, this is how the ‘book’ is flowing out too….without chapters, without time, arising in moments. In moving with this flow and not being so careful of forming each word, the energy can transact much more (which is limited anyway by the medium of words and linear language.) This is what I have learned through sharing here and the grace of our collaboration. When I offer thanks and appreciation for you who have taken the moment to respond with words or images or your hearts or thumbs, I thank you for taking in my energy into your heart and soul. Your taking in allows me to grow, to teach, and to learn. Your taking in allows me to find my voice.

It is a precious exchange and one that I look forward to continuing in a space of a ‘book’ that is more a pool than a river. Gathering the waters together and inviting you to take a dip in when and if you feel to is the ongoing exploration of the creative process in fifth dimensional processing where time does not exist and creativity arises uncontrollable in the moment as it is in this one.

Jelelle Awen is an 5D ascension teacher, writer and co-creator/teacher/group facilitator of the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life. Visit for more information about sessions, online group calls and circles, community, videos, and more.

Creativity Cannot Be Controlled, Only Responded To: Blog Writings From The Week

By Jelelle Awen


Many words coming over the last several days on a flow of inspiration from both Raphael Awen and I. Creativity cannot be controlled, only responded to. Creativity has flowed as we have both been dedicated to going within, opening up to guidance from within and from with-out, and blessed space is available for this right now. I feel such gratitude to those of you who read this blog and follow me on facebook who have taken in these words into your hearts and souls and shown your support with little hearts and thumbs up, comments, and sharings. While I feel that I would probably create it all without any response, it feels so meaningful for me to land in and serve those of you who resonate. I feel so much love and gratitude for your response….thank you! I love you!

I have a sense of everything being accelerated and energies sometimes greatly amplified, including creativity and inspirational muse frequencies. We are continuing into a time of intense transition in 2017, which I’ll be writing about soon. The only way to navigate it with a sense of center is from within because outside circumstances could feel quite outrageous, unstable, and unmanageable.

I feel renewed commitment and inspiration for sharing and offering my gifts without attachment yet with full focus and sense of support. I am amazed to see that in the last week or so I wrote nine blog articles, did a 30 minute intro video with Raphael, started our book, offered two group events both virtual and in person, and soon we will be launching our monthly museletter. And somehow in there celebrated christmas! None of this felt like ‘work’ or ‘effort’ yet is an enlivening and nourishing way to express and give back what I have been gifted through my inner journeys and blessed life. It all is received and given from LOVE by LOVE.

Listed below are blog articles from the last week and these are all posted on my facebook page as well.

Heart And Soul Recovery After Breakups:…/your-heart-and-soul-will-r…/

Golden Earth Now (Raphael Awen):

Intense Energies During This Time Of Transition From 3D to 5D…/intense-energies-during-th…/

‘Tis The Season For Desires:…/26/tis-the-season-for-desi…/

Love Wisdoms From Yeshua As Christ Consciousness:…/love-wisdoms-from-yeshua-a…/

Feeling The True Message Of Love Within The Christ-Mas Story (Raphael Awen)…/feeling-the-true-message-o…/

Navigating Relationships During Awakening (transition From 3D to 5D):…/navigating-relationships-w…/

Go Within And Remember The Love That You Are:…/go-within-and-feel-the-lov…/

Embracing Changes In Your Life As Love Expressing Itself (Raphael Awen):…/embracing-changes-in-your-…/

The Freedom to be an Expert Experimenter and not an Expert



By Leena Colibri

Sometimes the ticket to fun is the self-permission to be an expert experimenter, not an expert!

I was reminded of this just moments ago, feeling how much creative fun I’ve been having for the past two days. I’m not an expert in any particular creative avenue, but I do find that I have been feeling freer to experiment and have fun with it all again. This is a new and arising experience inside myself, after so many years of having parts of me hold intense self-punishment and criticism. These wounded aspects of myself who energize these frequencies are beginning to feel more and more held by me, leaving me more room to be in my authentic joy around creating more often.

Being with these intense parts of us is a deep process that eventually opens out to these more spacious terrains inside ourselves. I know that myself and a few others would love to help you find your way to rediscovering this unfolding freedom inside yourself too. There’s nothing quite like the feeling of being free to be the creative humans we were always meant to be…



Leena Colibri is a facilitator of the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life. Please visit for more information.

Creating From Divine Inspiration Rather Than Depression

By Jelelle Awen


As I participate in the creation of the home we are building for Sequoia out of cob (a combination of clay, subsoil, straw and water), as I witness this cabana birthing out of the ground from materials which come exclusively from the ground….I am reminded of the death and rebirth cycle. Creation always brings us closer to the edge of where things begin and eventually where they complete. Immersed as I am in this project right now, I know that some day it will be finished and no longer will it arise anew, responding to contributions of my alchemy, passion, and physical focus. I will have moved on to something else, a new creation will beckon me to make something out of nothing.

Our attention and creativity is meant to wrap around something with focus on the end product while holding reverence for the process. Then, we are able to detach and move on to the next. I find that the more access I have to the part of me or subpersonality that holds my creativity, the more I can navigate and inhabit whatever I am involved in from a place of investment and then detachment.

For many years, my creativity was high jacked by the part of me that holds depression. It seemed that I couldn’t write creatively or work on a creative art project without being in a state of sadness, angst, and melancholy. This depression part of me didn’t feel alive unless she was creating something and yet, she could only be creative by dredging up her pain and using her agony as the primary source of fuel. I stopped publically writing for a few years as I focused on feeling and healing this part of me through journaling with her and being felt by a parts facilitator. This part of me had a complicated relationship with my creativity. She felt that she needed to express this way as means to off gas her pain even though it didn’t actually get felt, only exploited. I believe that a lot of artistic and creative people have a depression part that relates to their creativity in this way which is why so many of them suffer from suicidal depression. Add in another part of us that needs validation and attention from others related to our creativity and it can be a recipe for suffering.

It took me some time to find my writer’s voice again, healed greatly from depression and suffering, and now coming from a new source of Divine inspiration. Creating from this place is about an overflow produced from connection with myself, parts of me, Raphael, others in our community, animals, nature. It comes from an overall sense of joy and goodness about my life. It comes from the feeling of loving and being loved. This love spring has gushed forth eight years worth of blog entries and five books. It turns out that connecting with Divine creative inspiration is also pretty productive.

If someone asked me about how to relate to their creative process, I would offer that we have to feel which part of us is ‘in charge’ of it. As I already mentioned, it can be a depression part which primarily holds it. Or, there can be a very strong identity or persona part related to our creativity with a self image-based claim of being an ‘artist’ or ‘writer’. Or it can be an inner, young child part of us that relates with it like a secret outlet kept hidden away from others because it feels too vulnerable to share. It can be suppressed by a protector or controller part of us to such an extent that we don’t feel like we are creative at all. If creativity is about connecting to Divine inspiration, then also we need to look at the part of us (which we call the Daemon or soul guardian) that opens up access to our soul consciousness and Divine connection. When in Divine thrall or communion, we feel that the act of creating and our creation is ultimately in service of the Divine and in surrender to It as well.

Whether it is building something or writing or painting or making banana bread, creativity can be an expression of our sacred humanity. It can be a glorious testament and honouring of that which transcends reality even as it paints off of the canvas of our ordinary lives. It can honor that which begins and that which inevitably reaches a completion. The Divine doesn’t require masterpieces; only honestly focused expressions of our authentic essence creatively dipping into the waters of Infinite Love in celebration of love and life.

Jelelle Awen is co-creator and a facilitator of the SoulFullHeart Way of Life. Visit SoulFullHeart Way Of Life for more information about staying at the Sanctuary and sessions.


Healing Art: Day 5 – The Ache To Be

Day 5005

Drawing By Christopher Tydeman

By Christopher Tydeman

*Note:  The drawing was in response to a feeling I had inside me around claiming my essence as an artist.  At the time, I was working with a part that was keeping me from fully inhabiting my passion. But shortly after, I made a decision to leave my current culture and move to Mexico with Jillian and Wayne.  This triggered something in me that seemed to also be reflected in the drawing.  It took on a new meaning for me so I began to journal with the picture and this poem emerged.
My soul draws, but does not tug
It calls, it aches, it desires
To feel, express, experience, and love.
But there is a pull, a grasp,
A spaghetti pretzel of fears, doubts, and deafening critical voices
Of social, familial, and cultural conditioning
You cannot be free, you see
You don’t have the skills, the courage, the mettle.
You only know one way to be
And that is comfortable, safe, and settled.
But that does not bring me closer
To what I feel I am or can be, do you see?
I am born of life and life is change
And change is risk and risk is unknown.
That is why you should stay with me, you see.
It is unknown and unknown is not knowable
Not clear, preplanned, controlled, or dependable.
Take my advice, heed my warning, and let me take care of thee.
I feel your concern, your love, your genuine protection
Your need to encase me in bubble-wrapped isolation.
But it enslaves me, and does not save me
From a life of restless deadness, can you see?
I do not see what you see
Or feel what you feel
Or ache what you ache
My only will is to keep you safe
I will need you on the next phase of my journey
Your awareness, your sight, your vision, and might.
I wish to bring you with me, not leave you behind
For without you I am reckless abandon in the shadow of the blind
I will heed your words, and feel your cry
I will need more time to accept and understand why.
That is all that I ask for you now to see
How one day we both can be fearless and free
 Christopher Tydeman has been embracing the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life since August, 2010. He is a SoulFullHeart facilitator-in-training, author on this blog, and he hosted the SoulFullHeart Experience Radio ShowFor more information about the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life, visit

Healing Art: Day 4 – The Gift Of Despair

By Christopher Tydeman

Drawing By Christopher Tydeman

Drawing By Christopher Tydeman

This picture was done during a time where a feeling of great despair had bubbled up within me.  I did not journal with it at the time and to do so now would be inauthentic and contrived.  However, I did feel a desire to share my process around the theme of this drawing.  Maybe as I write a voice may choose to be heard and felt if it felt safe enough to do so.  

There was an overall feeling of hopelessness that overcame me.  Like a black cloud that covers the sun that seems to go on forever.  I began this picture with the cloudy background to capture that feeling.  Next, came the road, or path, that I had found myself on.  “A road to God-knows- where in a hurry,” a part of me felt it was on.  Then, an intuition to make dark columns from the horizon up toward the heavens.  Foreboding monoliths towering over to suggest that there was no hope of salvation.   Lastly, I could feel my desire and passion being guarded, protected, quarantined,  or off limits.  A part of me felt it could not have what it truly wanted.   Enter despair.

This picture represents several parts of me all at once.  My inner sensitive, full passion, love, and sense of beauty.  My inner critic, with its perpetual barrage of criticisms, judgements, and punishments to keep my inner sensitive in a state of oppressive depression.  Then my inner muse.  My vision and creative energy.  My connection to the divine within and without.  A holy trinity, if you will.

The separation of a sensitive from its muse is part of a journey to remember what we, as artists, have always known ourselves to be.  Messengers, prophets, divine creators.  That comes with great reward as well as great pain.  To be open to such inspiration, one must be sensitive enough to receive it.  But that leaves the door open to much toxic energy and conditioning.  Through the course of one’s life, and even lives, these external influences can become internalized.  The inner critic is born.  But this part of us can be viewed as a “negative” to be combated and banished.  The emotional reality is that this part of us was developed to protect us from the pain our inner sensitive was too sensitive to digest.  By keeping constant surveillance on us, the inner critic is trying to keep us from being heart broken once again, even while it is breaking our own spirit in the process.

Before SoulFullHeart, my inner critic was a harsh self-punisher.  The bigger the desire, the harsher the punisher it seems.  But as I began to heal my punisher, it has softened to a critical voice.  Admittedly, I still feel some punishment but not as acute as in my past.  I am feeling my inner critic as my guide and keen protector of my inner sensitive.  Its voice is of my fathers, both biological and step.  They were just trying to do what they felt was best from their own experiences and conditioning to help me become successful and happy.  I am grateful for that, but it no longer serves me.  I am to be a father figure to my own inner sensitive.  To field the harsh criticisms and digest them between me and my inner critic, leaving my sensitive to be what it is meant to be…a receiver of divine beauty.

In this drawing, you will notice that there is space in between the bars.  There is opportunity.  There is a way in and through.  I will take the figure on the road by the hand and walk with him.  I will love the bars for what they truly are and in time they will come down to reveal my heart, my muse, and my gift to the world.

Over the next few weeks, Christopher Tydeman will be vulnerably sharing works of art that he has created that reflect his inner world. In SoulFullHeart, our inner world is comprised of a tapestry of emotionality, which is held by what we call a “part” of us. These parts live in different emotional terrain, such as hurt, anxiety, control, depression, rage, and shame. When we courageously venture inward, we feel this terrain with our parts to feel and heal woundings that have been been stuck for many years, many lifetimes. Christopher says about this series, ‘”As a creative soul, I desire to help my parts heal through images, words, and music. I also desire to serve others with the same passion of healing and creativity. I do not have a plan other than to be as transparent as I can and see where the road takes me.”  Check out his previous blog entries, An Artist, His Muse, and His Inner Critic, and Healing Art to Heal Your Heart to find out more about this series. Christopher Tydeman has been embracing the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life since August, 2010. He is a SoulFullHeart facilitator-in-training, author on this blog, and he hosted the SoulFullHeart Experience Radio ShowFor more information about the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life, visit

Healing Art: Day 3 – Hope in the Face of Hopelessness

By Sequoia Heartman


Today I am going to be journaling with the artwork itself.  I am choosing not to connect to a particular part of me, as there is a level of protection that my parts need.  Instead, I will use the word “pArt” as a way to differentiate me from the picture.  What I will be doing is demonstrating how you may be able to begin to connect with the energy of your art piece.  What comes back to you is a part of who you are that needs to express and be felt.  Before sharing, asking permission is always necessary so this part of you can feel they trust you.

Sequoia:  Hello, pArt.  I was wondering if you would be open to speaking with me?

Drawing:  Yes.  I would like that.

S:  Thank you.  Before we begin, I wanted to see how you feel about sharing this on the blog.

P:  I guess I will have to see how I feel after we talk.

S:  Okay.  Fair enough.  What would you like to tell me?

P:  When I made this, I didn’t really know what I was going to make.  I was feeling a swirling in my head and just started to make a circular stroke.  This turned into a deep dark cave.  That is another feeling I was having.  

S:  Can you tell me about the swirling feeling?

P:  I was feeling overwhelmed with feelings of despair and desire.  Desiring to feel light and alive, yet being overcome by futility and stuckness.  I could only sit and hope for relief.  

S:  Did drawing this help?

P:  Yeah.  It did.  But in the past it always comes back.

S:  This is why we need to feel the root of this so we can heal it together.  

P:  I would like that.  I feel imprisoned by a force stronger than myself.  I don’t have any chains on, but still feel immovable.  It’s like sludge.  I don’t like it when this happens.

S:  I don’t blame you.  I would like to feel you separate from the grey sludge.  It feels like you soak it up like a sponge because you haven’t known any better.  Do you feel responsible for this feeling?

P:  I don’t know.  Feels like I have been used to taking in all sorts of energy and making it a part of me.  

S:  Do you have any idea why?

P:  Hmmm.  Not sure in the moment.  I have always felt an ability to feel other people’s pain.  I am sensitive to it.  As a kid, I held all sort of energy from my parents.  For some reason, I felt responsible to do so.

S:  Maybe you were made to feel responsible.  This can happen easily as a porous being.  Your parents couldn’t hold it themselves and somewhere recognized that you could.  

P:  Hmmm.  That sounds strange, but sadly true.  

S:  There can be other things at play here too, such as past life experiences, that have led to this feeling of being responsible for taking in toxicity.

P:  Wow.  So this energy that surrounds me in this picture is not mine, but I take it on.  What is wrong with me?

S:  There is nothing “wrong” with you.  You have done what you felt was needed to help others.  What you needed was someone to advocate for and protect you.  That is what I plan to do.

P:  That feeling is pretty intense, Sequoia.  

S:  I know.  I was there, even though just barely.  

P:  I know you were.  Or else I wouldn’t have been able to have the space to do this drawing.  Thank you.

S:  You are welcome.  I desire to hold this sludge energy and not you.  

P:  That would be heaven.  

S:  Is it okay to share this in the blog?

P:  Yeah.  I feel okay with that.  Maybe someone can get something from this who feels like I do.  

S:  That would be awesome.  Thank you for sharing.

P:  Thank you for talking to me.

The grey cave in this picture represents Despair/ Futility, hopelessness in the face of Hope.  It does not wish to be made public at this time.  It is the feeling that comes after intense inner criticism.  I feel this is a crucial place for me to go.  I am hoping that with some time, and trust from this part, I will be able to share any movements.  I can feel how this is a universal part of artists and how it can be used as a source of inspiration for their creativity.  Some of my best work has come from this feeling of despair.  But I do not want to live that way.  I wish to express it as it needs to be felt, but I don’t wish to suffer with it.  I desire my art to reflect more than my despair because I am more than that.  My inner sensitive needs a boundary from the heaviness of this energy.  That can only happen with an ongoing dialogue with my critic and despair.  

Over the next few weeks, Sequoia Heartman will be vulnerably sharing works of art that he has created that reflect his inner world. In SoulFullHeart, our inner world is comprised of a tapestry of emotionality, which is held by what we call a “part” of us. These parts live in different emotional terrain, such as hurt, anxiety, control, depression, rage, and shame. When we courageously venture inward, we feel this terrain with our parts to feel and heal woundings that have been been stuck for many years, many lifetimes. Sequoia says about this series, ‘”As a creative soul, I desire to help my parts heal through images, words, and music. I also desire to serve others with the same passion of healing and creativity. I do not have a plan other than to be as transparent as I can and see where the road takes me.”  Check out his previous blog entries, An Artist, His Muse, and His Inner Critic, and Healing Art to Heal Your Heart to find out more about this series. Sequoia Heartman is an apprentice facilitator of the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life. For more information about the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life, visit