How To Be The ‘I’ Of Your Inner Storm

I am going back into my writing vault to bring back a series I did about art and my healing journey. It was a time of going deep into the bowels of my pain and using a charcoal stick to bring out what was lying within. Though the subject matter looks and feels unsavory, the light of a new awareness and relationship to myself was unmistakable. It has taken the time it has taken, but it all began with a movement, a choice, and a desire to own and love my pain. What I am now discovering as my inner feminine seeking her place within the court, and core, of my heart.

You don’t need to consider yourself an ‘artist’ to simply draw what you feel. It is energy and energy expresses itself in a multitude of ways that doesn’t always look like something in particular. The stick figures I drew were perfect for what I needed to express what I was feeling. If I let a punishing or critical voice expect something more I would not have gotten to the real purpose of the drawing.

This one specifically centered around the inner critical voice I had at the time. It was one that had been with me for as long as could remember and does come out at times to be felt. This was an energy that I deeply desired to tap into as it created extreme energy drops and reactive fusions. As we awaken to the largess of our being, we inevitably wake up our inner demons and dragons. The way we relate to them is what brings about the deepest change. Here is a guided meditation I did to meet and love your inner critic/punisher:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0cTe6ayIAWk

When this energy would come up it would kick up all my other parts inside me and whirl through me like a tornado wreaking havoc. I did not see that at the time but needed the eyes and open heart of another (through Jelelle and Raphael) to reflect that back to me so that I let that in because I WAS the tornado and not the ‘I’ of the storm. If you wish to read more you can go here:
https://soulfullheartblog.com/…/healing-art-day-1-critical…/

Art is a powerful tool to access the nooks and treasure troves of our heart and soul. It is the feminine act of creation and intuition that births the mirror of what it is that we are meant to look at and receive with our heart-eyes. It is not just drawing but any form of creative expression that is the gift of our humanity to cultivate and explore to the depths of our being. If you are curious to feel more into the integration and exploration of your own creative healing journey, please contact me or visit the link below. It is a journey that promises to take you to where you need to go, not necessarily where parts of you may expect to go.

*****

Gabriel Heartman is an emoto-spiritual men’s and women’s facilitator, energy healer, writer, poet, and heartist with the SoulFullHeart Way of Life.  Visit https://www.soulfullheartwayoflife.com for more information about space holding sessions, group calls, videos, community, etc.

Visit our website to offer a money donation to support our offerings at https://www.soulfullheartwayoflife/donations.

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Art As A Mirror And A Doorway Into The Heart And Soul

Bringing outside what lives inside can be the beginning of a vast exploration of the myriad energies that make up the wholeness of You.

The picture below was done during a time (around 2014 I think) when I was feeling a deep depression that felt almost immovable. While I was in it I feel like I needed to get it out rather than letting it envelop me. I can remember the feeling of barely getting the paper on the table and grabbing the charcoal stick. It needed to be charcoal because it looked just like I felt. Dark and grey.

I remember having no clue what I wanted to draw and just let the feeling travel from my heart to my hands and it translated to a swirl of grey in the center. I was swirling on the inside so it matched. Then it got darker and darker. I smudged the charcoal because that is what I felt like too…smudged. As I stared at the picture a began to feel how I was in this tunnel like environment, on the inside looking out. Wanting to feel something different than what I was feeling. Wanting to feel lighter. Freer. Less confined and dismal.

Then as I felt this energy leaving my being and bleeding its way onto the paper, I felt to draw the figure sitting on the floor of this tunnel staring out. Looking…watching…waiting. I could feel this being as different than me at that moment. He was me and not me at the same time. He was a part or aspect of me that felt this way. He was looking for someone to connect with him so he didn’t feel so hopeless. This is when the depression became not who I was, but held by a part of me that had a story and a reason.

This act spurred on other pictures that were not all that detailed. They were simple yet had emotional substance and a reality held by something inside of me that was not all of me. It became less about depression and more about self-discovery. The sunrise of curiosity was breaching the infinite ocean of despair and I had a relationship to it….to him, or maybe it was always Her. My hidden and disowned feminine wanting to be claimed by her King. Either way, it changed my relationship both emotionally and physically to my depression.

Even if you don’t fancy yourself an ‘artist’ the act of moving something on paper, canvass, or computer screen, can open a doorway to your heart and soul that invites a relationship, a curiosity, and a compassion. This is more than just art therapy, but a beginning to discovering the lost and hidden aspects of what and who you really are in both the shadow and the light. It moves from the paper back into You in a whole new way that doesn’t just provide relief but a new consciousness that can lift you into new technicolor timelines.

Gabriel Heartman is an emoto-spiritual men’s and women’s facilitator, energy healer, writer, poet, and heartist with the SoulFullHeart Way of Life.  Visit https://www.soulfullheartwayoflife.com for more information about space holding sessions, group calls, videos, community, etc.

Visit our website to offer a money donation to support our offerings at https://www.soulfullheartwayoflife/donations.

Rediscovering That Creative Heart In Us, Beyond Self Punishment

by Kalayna Colibri

kid_dancing_rain

When I was a teenager, creative outlets ‘saved’ me in a way… especially exploring my creativity in private, or at least as private of a setting as I could find. I was doing regular dance classes and you would think that was helpful too, yet there was something about being in a ‘class’ setting such as this, that stoked the fires of comparison to others for parts of me that I couldn’t feel directly. Perhaps if I could have, I wouldn’t have kept doing these classes, but it’s hard to say. They were helpful for many reasons and yet, they were painful too. It was more often the dancing, singing, performing that I did for invisible audiences (likely higher selves of soul family and maybe star being family and guides too at the time!) who would inevitably adore me and enjoy my performances with no cloaked judgments or making parts of me feel self-conscious, that I thoroughly enjoyed. These parts of me so needed this, growing up in this 3D reality where we are taught to judge others and ourselves for just about everything so soon in our lives, and always, it feels like, because our caregivers and teachers are overflowing with this judgement toward themselves first.

These times in my parents’ basement were so sacred… I even remember buying a headset mic that was meant for a computer, so I could wear it like a pop star! Sometimes I sang, sometimes I lip-synched instead. But it was ALL fun and most of the time, I somehow managed to free myself from self-judgment frequencies because from me to me, I had space to enjoy being with ME.

There’s something about our ways of expressing ourselves creatively that pings for me now, especially as just an hour ago I was singing my heart out a bit, for the first time in a LONG time and I have to say it felt really, REALLY good… my heart wanted to sing out in expression and love. Reconnecting with music that I used to listen and sing to many years ago. I could feel part of me feeling self-conscious, wondering if the whole complex that I live in could hear me singing… and worse yet, that they would think I was awful. And then, I also felt how in these precious moments I didn’t actually care if they did and if they judged. So both were true for me and that’s okay. It felt important to give myself permission to just BE in the music, let something roll out of my heart, have some FUN too. Give myself permission to NOT be perfect or seek perfection in any way. Just sing OUT. I feel there is so something in this for all of us, perhaps especially in this process of ascension that’s happening so quickly for so many of us and can have such intense phases physically, emotionally, spiritually, etc. Where did our creativity go that could carry us through and that was given to us to help life feel like MAGIC again and stoke our imaginations so we can blaze like the LOVE stars we truly are?

As our inner-punishment heals, especially through this work we call SoulFullHeart where we work with and deeply feel the parts of us who hold these frequencies, we can begin to be more in our creative magic again. This feels so important to me, because we ARE creating in every single moment as we really can’t help but do and BE this as human beings! We are creation constantly creating… we shift these frequencies of what this creativity draws when we reclaim our power and see what we’ve been drawing instead of what we actually want.

And so, I know that I hope this is only the beginning of me exploring art forms that once brought my heart out to play, though of course writing like this does that too! We are so meant to sing, to throw our heartbeams outward through dance and movement too, to let our lungs fully expel the old air and invite in the NEW. And to encourage everyone to do the same… without polish or perfection but just our human ISness that wants and aches to come out and play again, create and recreate a magical life again, love ourselves everything about us again and again and again…

 

***

Kalayna Colibri is a SoulFullHeart facilitator for women around (and under) the age of 30, energy healer, indigo-crystal bridge, writer, and poetess. Visit soulfullheartwayoflife.com for more information about space holding sessions, group calls, videos, community, etc. Visit our patreon page to offer a money donation to support our offerings at https://www.patreon.com/soulfullheart.

 

Healing Art: Day 5 – The Ache To Be

Day 5005
Drawing By Christopher Tydeman

By Christopher Tydeman

*Note:  The drawing was in response to a feeling I had inside me around claiming my essence as an artist.  At the time, I was working with a part that was keeping me from fully inhabiting my passion. But shortly after, I made a decision to leave my current culture and move to Mexico with Jillian and Wayne.  This triggered something in me that seemed to also be reflected in the drawing.  It took on a new meaning for me so I began to journal with the picture and this poem emerged.
My soul draws, but does not tug
It calls, it aches, it desires
To feel, express, experience, and love.
But there is a pull, a grasp,
A spaghetti pretzel of fears, doubts, and deafening critical voices
Of social, familial, and cultural conditioning
You cannot be free, you see
You don’t have the skills, the courage, the mettle.
You only know one way to be
And that is comfortable, safe, and settled.
But that does not bring me closer
To what I feel I am or can be, do you see?
I am born of life and life is change
And change is risk and risk is unknown.
That is why you should stay with me, you see.
It is unknown and unknown is not knowable
Not clear, preplanned, controlled, or dependable.
Take my advice, heed my warning, and let me take care of thee.
I feel your concern, your love, your genuine protection
Your need to encase me in bubble-wrapped isolation.
But it enslaves me, and does not save me
From a life of restless deadness, can you see?
I do not see what you see
Or feel what you feel
Or ache what you ache
My only will is to keep you safe
I will need you on the next phase of my journey
Your awareness, your sight, your vision, and might.
I wish to bring you with me, not leave you behind
For without you I am reckless abandon in the shadow of the blind
I will heed your words, and feel your cry
I will need more time to accept and understand why.
That is all that I ask for you now to see
How one day we both can be fearless and free
 Christopher Tydeman has been embracing the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life since August, 2010. He is a SoulFullHeart facilitator-in-training, author on this blog, and he hosted the SoulFullHeart Experience Radio ShowFor more information about the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life, visit soulfullheart.com.

Healing Art: Day 4 – The Gift Of Despair

By Christopher Tydeman

Drawing By Christopher Tydeman
Drawing By Christopher Tydeman

This picture was done during a time where a feeling of great despair had bubbled up within me.  I did not journal with it at the time and to do so now would be inauthentic and contrived.  However, I did feel a desire to share my process around the theme of this drawing.  Maybe as I write a voice may choose to be heard and felt if it felt safe enough to do so.  

There was an overall feeling of hopelessness that overcame me.  Like a black cloud that covers the sun that seems to go on forever.  I began this picture with the cloudy background to capture that feeling.  Next, came the road, or path, that I had found myself on.  “A road to God-knows- where in a hurry,” a part of me felt it was on.  Then, an intuition to make dark columns from the horizon up toward the heavens.  Foreboding monoliths towering over to suggest that there was no hope of salvation.   Lastly, I could feel my desire and passion being guarded, protected, quarantined,  or off limits.  A part of me felt it could not have what it truly wanted.   Enter despair.

This picture represents several parts of me all at once.  My inner sensitive, full passion, love, and sense of beauty.  My inner critic, with its perpetual barrage of criticisms, judgements, and punishments to keep my inner sensitive in a state of oppressive depression.  Then my inner muse.  My vision and creative energy.  My connection to the divine within and without.  A holy trinity, if you will.

The separation of a sensitive from its muse is part of a journey to remember what we, as artists, have always known ourselves to be.  Messengers, prophets, divine creators.  That comes with great reward as well as great pain.  To be open to such inspiration, one must be sensitive enough to receive it.  But that leaves the door open to much toxic energy and conditioning.  Through the course of one’s life, and even lives, these external influences can become internalized.  The inner critic is born.  But this part of us can be viewed as a “negative” to be combated and banished.  The emotional reality is that this part of us was developed to protect us from the pain our inner sensitive was too sensitive to digest.  By keeping constant surveillance on us, the inner critic is trying to keep us from being heart broken once again, even while it is breaking our own spirit in the process.

Before SoulFullHeart, my inner critic was a harsh self-punisher.  The bigger the desire, the harsher the punisher it seems.  But as I began to heal my punisher, it has softened to a critical voice.  Admittedly, I still feel some punishment but not as acute as in my past.  I am feeling my inner critic as my guide and keen protector of my inner sensitive.  Its voice is of my fathers, both biological and step.  They were just trying to do what they felt was best from their own experiences and conditioning to help me become successful and happy.  I am grateful for that, but it no longer serves me.  I am to be a father figure to my own inner sensitive.  To field the harsh criticisms and digest them between me and my inner critic, leaving my sensitive to be what it is meant to be…a receiver of divine beauty.

In this drawing, you will notice that there is space in between the bars.  There is opportunity.  There is a way in and through.  I will take the figure on the road by the hand and walk with him.  I will love the bars for what they truly are and in time they will come down to reveal my heart, my muse, and my gift to the world.

Over the next few weeks, Christopher Tydeman will be vulnerably sharing works of art that he has created that reflect his inner world. In SoulFullHeart, our inner world is comprised of a tapestry of emotionality, which is held by what we call a “part” of us. These parts live in different emotional terrain, such as hurt, anxiety, control, depression, rage, and shame. When we courageously venture inward, we feel this terrain with our parts to feel and heal woundings that have been been stuck for many years, many lifetimes. Christopher says about this series, ‘”As a creative soul, I desire to help my parts heal through images, words, and music. I also desire to serve others with the same passion of healing and creativity. I do not have a plan other than to be as transparent as I can and see where the road takes me.”  Check out his previous blog entries, An Artist, His Muse, and His Inner Critic, and Healing Art to Heal Your Heart to find out more about this series. Christopher Tydeman has been embracing the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life since August, 2010. He is a SoulFullHeart facilitator-in-training, author on this blog, and he hosted the SoulFullHeart Experience Radio ShowFor more information about the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life, visit soulfullheart.com.

Healing Art: Day 3 – Hope in the Face of Hopelessness

By Sequoia Heartman

Hope

Today I am going to be journaling with the artwork itself.  I am choosing not to connect to a particular part of me, as there is a level of protection that my parts need.  Instead, I will use the word “pArt” as a way to differentiate me from the picture.  What I will be doing is demonstrating how you may be able to begin to connect with the energy of your art piece.  What comes back to you is a part of who you are that needs to express and be felt.  Before sharing, asking permission is always necessary so this part of you can feel they trust you.

Sequoia:  Hello, pArt.  I was wondering if you would be open to speaking with me?

Drawing:  Yes.  I would like that.

S:  Thank you.  Before we begin, I wanted to see how you feel about sharing this on the blog.

P:  I guess I will have to see how I feel after we talk.

S:  Okay.  Fair enough.  What would you like to tell me?

P:  When I made this, I didn’t really know what I was going to make.  I was feeling a swirling in my head and just started to make a circular stroke.  This turned into a deep dark cave.  That is another feeling I was having.  

S:  Can you tell me about the swirling feeling?

P:  I was feeling overwhelmed with feelings of despair and desire.  Desiring to feel light and alive, yet being overcome by futility and stuckness.  I could only sit and hope for relief.  

S:  Did drawing this help?

P:  Yeah.  It did.  But in the past it always comes back.

S:  This is why we need to feel the root of this so we can heal it together.  

P:  I would like that.  I feel imprisoned by a force stronger than myself.  I don’t have any chains on, but still feel immovable.  It’s like sludge.  I don’t like it when this happens.

S:  I don’t blame you.  I would like to feel you separate from the grey sludge.  It feels like you soak it up like a sponge because you haven’t known any better.  Do you feel responsible for this feeling?

P:  I don’t know.  Feels like I have been used to taking in all sorts of energy and making it a part of me.  

S:  Do you have any idea why?

P:  Hmmm.  Not sure in the moment.  I have always felt an ability to feel other people’s pain.  I am sensitive to it.  As a kid, I held all sort of energy from my parents.  For some reason, I felt responsible to do so.

S:  Maybe you were made to feel responsible.  This can happen easily as a porous being.  Your parents couldn’t hold it themselves and somewhere recognized that you could.  

P:  Hmmm.  That sounds strange, but sadly true.  

S:  There can be other things at play here too, such as past life experiences, that have led to this feeling of being responsible for taking in toxicity.

P:  Wow.  So this energy that surrounds me in this picture is not mine, but I take it on.  What is wrong with me?

S:  There is nothing “wrong” with you.  You have done what you felt was needed to help others.  What you needed was someone to advocate for and protect you.  That is what I plan to do.

P:  That feeling is pretty intense, Sequoia.  

S:  I know.  I was there, even though just barely.  

P:  I know you were.  Or else I wouldn’t have been able to have the space to do this drawing.  Thank you.

S:  You are welcome.  I desire to hold this sludge energy and not you.  

P:  That would be heaven.  

S:  Is it okay to share this in the blog?

P:  Yeah.  I feel okay with that.  Maybe someone can get something from this who feels like I do.  

S:  That would be awesome.  Thank you for sharing.

P:  Thank you for talking to me.

The grey cave in this picture represents Despair/ Futility, hopelessness in the face of Hope.  It does not wish to be made public at this time.  It is the feeling that comes after intense inner criticism.  I feel this is a crucial place for me to go.  I am hoping that with some time, and trust from this part, I will be able to share any movements.  I can feel how this is a universal part of artists and how it can be used as a source of inspiration for their creativity.  Some of my best work has come from this feeling of despair.  But I do not want to live that way.  I wish to express it as it needs to be felt, but I don’t wish to suffer with it.  I desire my art to reflect more than my despair because I am more than that.  My inner sensitive needs a boundary from the heaviness of this energy.  That can only happen with an ongoing dialogue with my critic and despair.  

Over the next few weeks, Sequoia Heartman will be vulnerably sharing works of art that he has created that reflect his inner world. In SoulFullHeart, our inner world is comprised of a tapestry of emotionality, which is held by what we call a “part” of us. These parts live in different emotional terrain, such as hurt, anxiety, control, depression, rage, and shame. When we courageously venture inward, we feel this terrain with our parts to feel and heal woundings that have been been stuck for many years, many lifetimes. Sequoia says about this series, ‘”As a creative soul, I desire to help my parts heal through images, words, and music. I also desire to serve others with the same passion of healing and creativity. I do not have a plan other than to be as transparent as I can and see where the road takes me.”  Check out his previous blog entries, An Artist, His Muse, and His Inner Critic, and Healing Art to Heal Your Heart to find out more about this series. Sequoia Heartman is an apprentice facilitator of the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life. For more information about the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life, visit soulfullheartwayoflife.com.

Healing Art: Day 2 – Reign Of Criticism

By Christopher Tydeman

Drawing By Christopher Tydeman
Drawing By Christopher Tydeman

The following dialogue is between me and my inner sensitive (Eli) around the images he drew above. In my blogyesterday I talked about the process of feeling how art can be a reflection of a part of us needing to be felt. Through facilitation, space between you and the part can be created. Through journaling, the part can be felt by you, the artist, and healing can begin. This is an ongoing dynamic and not a one shot deal.

Christopher: Hello, Eli. Would it be okay to talk about the drawings you made?

Eli: Sure. It’s okay.

C: Can you tell me what you were feeling when you made the one I shared in yesterday’s blog post?

E: It was a while ago, but I remember wanting to draw something, but I didn’t know what. I remember we talked about drawing the feeling of wanting to create but being blocked by a feeling of heaviness and a whirling sensation.

C: What is the heaviness?

E: It is a feeling of defeat and despair  that I can’t draw. I don’t know what to draw. Even if I had an idea I am not talented enough to make it look the way I want. It feels depressing when I really want to create. It is like a gray cloud that comes over me.

C: Hence the charcoal.

E: Yeah. Charcoal gives the feeling of despair and depression.

C: What was the whirling feeling?

E: Just this voice barraging me with all the reasons why I can’t create, whether it is around practical things or lack of ideas or skills. The swirl leads to the feeling of depression. Like I can’t do anything about it. I am defeated.

C: So this voice comes in and blows out your flame?

E: Yeah. Sort of like that. It dampens it for sure.

C: But it doesn’t go away completely.

E: No. I guess not. I still feel desire in me to create.

C: Of course you do, Eli. It is your essence to create. That can’t be denied when it is what makes you, you.

E: But the voice seems insurmountable. Like I am trying to push against a large building that won’t move. I feel hopeless and I just give up.

C: Is that the feeling in today’s picture?

E: Yeah. It is.

C: What is the rain about?

E: Just that feeling of being dampened.

C: I see cracks in the building and a light around the corner.

E: Yeah. I don’t know why they are there.

C: I think you do. What do they feel like to you?

E: Well, I feel like the building is getting old. It is ready to fall down.

C: Maybe the part of me that feels immovable may actually show some signs of vulnerability and movement.

E: Hmmm. Maybe.

C: What about the light?

E: Feels in the moment that it could be hope. Or maybe my desire that is always “just around the corner”. One in the same I guess.

C: I like the feeling of that.

E: Me too.

C: What is this drawing trying to tell you now?

E: Hmmm…maybe it is telling me that I don’t have to push against this big building anymore. That all I need to do is leave that to you and head toward the light of my passion and desire.

C: You can put an umbrella there, Eli, so as to not burn out your flame. I will be that for you.

E: I would like that a lot, Christopher. Thank you. I am tired of feeling this way.

C: I know you are, Eli. I can feel that. You need some protection from the reign of criticism. That is my job.

E: I believe you. Thank you for being there for me.

C: You are so welcome, Eli. Thank you for your beautiful heartwork.

E: Don’t you mean artwork?

C: Nope.

E: Ooooh! I get it. Very clever.

C: I thought so. : )

Over the next few weeks, Christopher Tydeman will be vulnerably sharing works of art that he has created that reflect his inner world. In SoulFullHeart, our inner world is comprised of a tapestry of emotionality, which is held by what we call a “part” of us. These parts live in different emotional terrain, such as hurt, anxiety, control, depression, rage, and shame. When we courageously venture inward, we feel this terrain with our parts to feel and heal woundings that have been been stuck for many years, many lifetimes. Christopher says about this series, ‘”As a creative soul, I desire to help my parts heal through images, words, and music. I also desire to serve others with the same passion of healing and creativity. I do not have a plan other than to be as transparent as I can and see where the road takes me.”  Check out his previous blog entries, An Artist, His Muse, and His Inner Critic, and Healing Art to Heal Your Heart to find out more about this series. Christopher Tydeman has been embracing the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life since August, 2010. He is a SoulFullHeart facilitator-in-training, author on this blog, and he hosted the SoulFullHeart Experience Radio ShowFor more information about the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life, visit soulfullheart.com.

Healing Art: Day 1- Critical Chaos

Drawing By Christopher Tydeman
Drawing By Christopher Tydeman

By Christopher Tydeman

Over the next few weeks, I will be vulnerably sharing works of art that I have created that reflect my inner world. In SoulFullHeart, our inner world is comprised of a tapestry of emotionality, which is held by what we call a “part” of us. These parts live in different emotional terrain, such as hurt, anxiety, control, depression, rage, and shame. When we courageously venture inward, we feel this terrain with our parts to feel and heal woundings that have been been stuck for many years, many lifetimes. As a creative soul, I desire to help my parts heal through images, words, and music. I also desire to serve others with the same passion of healing and creativity. I do not have a plan other than to be as transparent as I can and see where the road takes me.  Check out my previous blog entries, An Artist, His Muse, and His Inner Critic, and Healing Art to Heal Your Heart to find out more about this series.

We have all heard the term “inner critic”. The voice inside us that showers us with a litany of reasons why we can’t do this or that. Why we are not good enough, talented enough, skilled enough, or attractive enough to be or have the things in life that bring us joy and passion. It is the buzz kill, the saboteur, that knocks us off our cloud nine. This part of me has been with me a long time. As I have slowly become more conscious of him, I have experienced the voice at almost every minute of my day. It is enough to drive you mad if you let it…and I have come close. Even as I write this, I can feel something around me, watching me, checking to see if I am being clear, using proper grammar and spelling, or wondering if I am just wasting my time.

Another part of me begins to wonder if he is right. “Maybe this is a waste of time. Who really cares about this? Am I really qualified to be doing something like this? Will I just be laughed at and be considered crazy?” Those questions are being fed to inner sensitive parts of me that have had no protection against the chaos of criticism…until now. Through the SoulFullHeart healing process, I am beginning to create a space between my inner critic and my inner sensitives. The art that is made helps bring much needed relief to the holding of this critical energy, which can be quite potent when left unfelt by me as the centered self.

This critical voice can begin as a small judgment from something I would normally consider routine such as making coffee. But if that part is up, a simple act, such as spilling, can turn into a bite or a lashing out. “You idiot! Can’t you do anything right?” Ouch. If I don’t hold this and be with that kick, my other parts get kicked. The energy stirs up rage, hurt, anxiety, shame, control, and depression. It is like a rolling snowball. The criticism is left unabated, and it permeates my being. Inside I am a torrent of critical chaos. This is what my drawing above represents. This is what my emotional terrain feels like to my parts when I am not home amidst the storm. This picture was a call for help from my parts. “We don’t know how to handle this part of you, Christopher. We need you!” is what it tells me. Now, in the moment I made the picture I didn’t really feel that. I was just expressing what it felt like in my emotional body at the time. I didn’t have the image in my mind when I started it. It evolved and presented itself. I just let my hand and heart do the work. I later was able to digest this with my facilitators, Jillian and Wayne, and they were able to feel what was happening because they were outside it and could feel it with their clear hearts. This is the power of facilitation.

So there is this “Ah-ha!” moment. I could see and feel what was being brought to me. A reflection of myself back to me. But that is only the beginning. I don’t want this violence inside me to continue. I don’t want my parts to get thrown into the blender again. It is not to say it may not happen again, but if I am not engaging in feeling the pain of my inner critic, it will persist indefinitely. I can try a heavy dose of positive thinking reframes and rewiring strategies, but that is still ignoring this part of me and will only lead to hurting him even more. The next part of the process is to dialogue with this part of me to feel the pain behind the energy. Giving him the space to be heard and felt by me, a safe container, not a mortal enemy. If I come at this part with the energy of exorcising him, he will only dig in more and tell me to go fuck myself. I wouldn’t blame him. But at the same time, I must be challenging as well as loving.

I feel parts of me not sure where this will go, but there is a real need and desire for them to feel my presence with this inner critic. Taking the “heat”, so to speak. I could only do this once I felt more separated from the feeling of despair that arose out of the criticism. The first step was to create, even amidst the heaviness. I would say especially in the midst of the heaviness. The next step was to be felt by another heart-opened other to feel me and my parts and give reflection and guidance. Now is the step of what is called differentiation, where I and the energy of the part are not fused together, but have a bit more separation. I can feel some resistance from this part of me and will need to negotiate any sharing of journaling that would arise out of this artwork. As with any new, unknown adventure what happens next is a mystery until it isn’t. Stay tuned….

Christopher Tydeman has been embracing the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life since August, 2010. He is a SoulFullHeart facilitator-in-training, author on this blog, and he hosted the SoulFullHeart Experience Radio ShowFor more information about the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life, visit soulfullheart.com.

Healing Art To Heal Your Heart

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Drawing By Christopher Tydeman

By Christopher Tydeman

I have received three callings. A calling to heal, a calling to create, and a calling to serve. My healing has taken the form of journaling and sessions through my way of life called SoulFullHeart. For years I have felt a desire to reclaim my passion for art, whether it be visual or written, as I share in this previous blog post. I have done much writing, and the visual is beginning to reemerge. The connection with parts of ourselves, which is the bedrock of SoulFullHeart, is made possible through our imagination. Parts of me send pictures to express deep joy and pain. Sometimes words can’t quite express a feeling tone as efficiently and dramatically as a picture. The process of creation itself is a healing, in and of itself. But it doesn’t stop there.

 It was only a natural to feel the power of integrating healing with art. And by art I don’t mean just visual. Poetry and music can also deeply lead us to places we feel deep woundings. These creations reflect back to us, like a mirror, an aspect of ourselves. A part of us that desires to be felt, even if it feels defensive or resistant. I would say the more resistive, the more desire there is to be felt.

The world is full of beautifully tragic creations of art. Someone’s vulnerability outed for the world to see. As I feel this with my Soulfullheart, it feels like a part being prostituted for attention or profit by another part. This pArt (I use this as an integration of the part of us behind the art) dangles on the walls of galleries, or in the cloud of the virtual world. What I would love to feel is an intimate dynamic between the artist and their art BEFORE this occurs. The art becomes a doorway into feeling rather than just a reflection to ponder. It is a gateway to a part of you that needs to felt by you. This pArt can hold a range of congested trauma with symptoms of depression, rage, anxiety, hurt, control, or shame. While there is relief from expressing these emotions, by not “going in” to them, they persist without healing into a more healthy frequency.

I have no experience with art therapy, but can see how what I have described must sound like it. I prefer to call it Healing Art, in the most literal sense. It is a process of you, your art, and a facilitator, someone who provides a safe container for your pArt to be felt by them and you. This is a self-authorizing process. You and your parts determine the depth and pace of your healing. But this is not some meandering and disconnected process. There are fenceposts. Places to go and grow, only to find more places to go and grow.

I am beginning my own Healing Art. I will be sharing these along with any journaling that comes from them. They are my mirrors and doorways. They are sacred to me and will only be shared after fully felt by me. I will be feeling the parts of myself that hold my inner critic, my inner muse, and inner sensitive. I am also going to be hosting an introductory talk about accessing these parts of ourselves through engaging with art in my local area Sunshine Coast, BC, Canada.

 I feel it important to express that this is meant for anyone, not just those who consider themselves “artists”. At our essence we are creation, so we are by birthright creative. You just need your heart and your passion to heal yourself and the world. The feeling of disqualification comes from our inner critic ultimately protecting us from pain. I know I feel my inner critic up as I write this and prepare for this unfolding, unknowable journey. I have some healing to do with this part. This is where I begin. I am curious to feel where this takes me…and maybe you?

Christopher Tydeman has been embracing the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life since August, 2010. He is a SoulFullHeart facilitator-in-training, author on this blog, and he hosted the SoulFullHeart Experience Radio ShowFor more information about the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life, visit soulfullheart.com.