By Christian Tydeman
As I ended my last blog entry months ago, I was driving away with a new sense of vitality and direction. I had made a leap of faith. Well, things did not turn out as “planned”. While there was awareness that anything could change, a part of me assumed that it would be a while if it did. How quickly life can change when you are living the SoulFullHeart Way of Life.
As I settled into my new surroundings, parts of me were still a bit traumatized by the sudden transition. I could not quite feel grounded in my new “home”. This took a toll on my relationship, as I just could not “show up” the way she desired and deserved. There were other factors on both of our sides, but I choose not to elaborate on them here. Eventually, we completed our time together and were both led to the “unknown”. What now?
A part of me thought about leaving and starting a new life somewhere else. Actually, he still does. I felt it would be running away and denying all that I had come to realize about why I was here in the first place. I was here to get to know myself without the distractions of my old life. Here, I am “unknown”. I was used to responding to the needs and passions of others. Now, I am responding to my needs and my desires. They are very small in the moment, but it is a start.
While all this happening, I have a part that is very anxious of the future. He has been so used to planning and strategizing a path to knowingness. To “know” builds a sense of security even though there really is no such thing. It is a perception, an illusion of safety that helps him to feel comforted. This is what most of us tend to do with our lives. Build a construct, a castle if you will, so that parts of us can be okay with our existential fear of not knowing a damn thing. It is a scary place, and I don’t blame them for doing so. However, the castle is made of sand, and eventually will get swept away, this life or the next.
Do I have any clue what happens next? Not really. I have some thoughts and feelings. While the open road is full of possibility and adventure, it is also lonely and scary. But I feel this is what I signed up for. To be living in the unknown. I can have a general desire for my future, but it is just a marker, a place to drive and see what happens. I can spend my time worrying about what “may” lie ahead. I can spend my time trying to “figure out” how I got here. Or I can be in this moment, feeling all that I am feeling, and making small steps into The Living Unknown.
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