The Living Unknown


By Christian Tydeman

As I ended my last blog entry months ago, I was driving away with a new sense of vitality and direction.  I had made a leap of faith.  Well, things did not turn out as “planned”.  While there was awareness that anything could change, a part of me assumed that it would be a while if it did.  How quickly life can change when you are living the SoulFullHeart Way of Life

As I settled into my new surroundings, parts of me were still a bit traumatized by the sudden transition.  I could not quite feel grounded in my new “home”.  This took a toll on my relationship, as I just could not “show up” the way she desired and deserved.  There were other factors on both of our sides, but I choose not to elaborate on them here.  Eventually, we completed our time together and were both led to the “unknown”.  What now?

A part of me thought about leaving and starting a new life somewhere else.  Actually, he still does.  I felt it would be running away and denying all that I had come to realize about why I was here in the first place.  I was here to get to know myself without the distractions of my old life.  Here, I am “unknown”.  I was used to responding to the needs and passions of others.  Now, I am responding to my needs and my desires.  They are very small in the moment, but it is a start.

While all this happening, I have a part that is very anxious of the future.  He has been so used to planning and strategizing a path to knowingness.  To “know” builds a sense of security even though there really is no such thing.  It is a perception, an illusion of safety that helps him to feel comforted.  This is what most of us tend to do with our lives.  Build a construct, a castle if you will, so that parts of us can be okay with our existential fear of not knowing a damn thing.  It is a scary place, and I don’t blame them for doing so.  However, the castle is made of sand, and eventually will get swept away, this life or the next.

Do I have any clue what happens next?  Not really.  I have some thoughts and feelings.  While the open road is full of possibility and adventure, it is also lonely and scary.  But I feel this is what I signed up for.  To be living in the unknown.  I can have a general desire for my future, but it is just a marker, a place to drive and see what happens.  I can spend my time worrying about what “may” lie ahead.  I can spend my time trying to “figure out” how I got here.  Or I can be in this moment, feeling all that I am feeling, and making small steps into The Living Unknown.

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