There’s no perfect way to deal with a personal crisis. Just as there’s no perfect path to “enlightenment” or to the life you’ve always dreamed of.
I’ve had a number of personal crises in the past few months. My most significant romance in my life so far coming to an abrupt end; finally mourning all that I have left behind in all of my dashes toward a new life; realizing that I now have to “go back into life” after being so beautifully immersed in this way of life we call SoulFullHeart, for the past 6 months or so. This last one has been the hardest pill to swallow for my parts and my Daemon. The romance was a part of this immersion. Its completion was a part of my waking up to the necessity of this change, at least for this next phase of my life. By “immersion” I do not mean that I was sequestered or actually feeling totally separate from the world in any way. That’s why we call SoulFullHeart a “way of life” instead of simply a “process”. I was living with a mate who is also involved in SoulFullHeart and socializing almost exclusively with others engaged with SoulFullHeart during this time. It wasn’t that I didn’t want anyone else to be in my life, but I felt it necessary to cut the cords of old relationships that aren’t in line with the personal healing I need and the new view of life and relationships that I need to explore.
I turned 26 this past Tuesday. I’ve been “spiritual” for about as long as I can remember and have constantly looked for the next stage of my evolution. Now I finally have to do what I expected I would have to for a while now – get down off the mountain and give myself permission to be 26. While embodying all that I am and all I have learned, with the support of my beloved SoulFullHeart family and the Divine Mother, I must start stepping back into the world. I don’t expect to have to face poverty like I had to before, nor the disconnected relationships of every kind. I have much stronger boundaries now. They will be tested. I’m finding the most challenging part of this is to not hyper-track my fusions and parts. This is crazy-making, as I’ve noticed lately. It feels like my Daemon, Itsan, is both worried and fairly confident about these next steps for me to take. Daring to be in my bigness in a world and demographic that can be unforgiving. Of course he wants to me to track my trailing-edge as much as possible so that I don’t repeat the same “mistakes” over again. Chances are that some of them will be repeated, but at least I have a more centered “me” that can handle them differently… maybe even better than before.
Lightning struck my tree, but I’m healing the trauma that my parts experienced because of that. I’m finally learning how to really land in my process with them and have them land with me outside of sessions and group. Not that I hadn’t been working on this all along, but now that the stakes are much higher, it makes it both easier and harder to do this. This is one of the greatest gifts that has come out of these crises. Another one is that my vulnerability has helped me to surrender and lean into the Divine Mother more, closing the gap that my parts were feeling between us and her. The feeling of journalling with Her, being held by Her…I couldn’t do this without Her claiming me and me claiming my connection with Her. I feel like weeping when I feel this. When Itsan feels this. He is so happy to be helping me make this connection for it also helps him. It gives him more confidence in his ability to partner with me during all that is happening and all that is to come.
I feel my connection to past lives in the resiliency that I am displaying now. My soul has been through hell, over and over again. In some ways, this is nothing compared to what I have been through before. I also realize that half the world is in awful torment on a daily basis. I read about it on the news and I feel it in the air. This makes what I’m going through feel even more survivable and I draw strength from that as well, keeping in the mind that I also want to help the world somehow. Right now though, it feels that there is something to the personal healing I’m doing now that may actually help heal something on a broader scale. At the very least, I know that healing the world begins at home, within me, and I feel that the world cannot change without personal healing coming first.
I hope that when lightning strikes your own tree that you find your way as well — Whatever path you are on, whatever road you take.
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