Wayne – Hey Yeshua, I’m up for more if you are.
Yeshua – I’m in. How are you doing?
W – You caught that huh? I’m feeling a bit blah actually and a part of me is eager for there to be a bit more clarity about what’s going on. I don’t feel much motivation. I could be studying Spanish or doing exercise, but the get up and go for that isn’t there right now.
Y – And what’s wrong with that?
W – Well, a conditioned part of me doesn’t like feeling the blahs. I suspect something bigger than I can track right now is being rewired at the moment. After all, I am 1 week into a new country, and a few weeks retired from a 30 year career.
Y – Won’t you be surprised by where we go today?
W – I’m counting on it actually. But I think you’re gonna have to lead here. From where I’m coming from in the moment, I can’t feel much.
Y – And what’s the doorway into feeling?
W – I’d say it’s admitting that I’m not feeling much and that I’d like to be feeling a lot more.
Y – And what is the world of feeling?
W – hmmm, I’d say feeling is…..feeling is like a flood of self worth, and self-recognition that so inflates….and that comes from the internal, rather than the external. Sometimes the external is what triggers the internal…
Y – Okay, hold on for a second now. Self worth. Feeling worth. Feeling great about yourself.
W – Right…
Y – And you say, you’re not feeling much of that this afternoon?
W- Honestly, no. I’m feeling a bit flat.
Y – What is flat?
W – It feels like some impulse to do something. After all I am in a resort, with time on my hands, and money too if need be.
Y – And why don’t you want to go out and do shit?
W – I just don’t see myself having a lot of enjoyment being in people’s disconnected vacation energy.
Y – Where would you rather be?
W – I guess I’d rather be here with you having this conversation.
Y – Is this going somewhere?
W – I was just about to ask you the same thing.
Y – Tell me your answer.
W – Feeling is beginning to trickle in as I connect with you.
Y – And what’s the feeling?
W – That I am loved and valued as I am and as a human, I have much greater depth and need in my being, and simple pat answers about ‘overcoming depression’ are a pathetic bullshit heap in comparison with the uniqueness and complexity and the worth of my being…
Y – Don’t stop now.
W – And of course I feel out of sorts. I just unhitched from peddling myself in the world as a house painter, something that was affecting me with the growing integrity gap of painting people’s homes when I wanted to tell people to get the hell out of their sinking titanic reality.
Y – You’re left with a vacuum.
W – Yeah, I get that part, but I’m still struggling to enjoy it, or to be at rest in it.
Y – In nature Wayne, things incubate, they bake and they reboot. A breakthrough moment isn’t any more sacred that a process moment leading up to that breakthrough.
W- You saying I’m a bit of a change addict.
Y – Y’a think?!
W – Maybe you can help me sort through this lifelong restless energy then. Yes, I’ve been impatient and surprised many times by how things that defined my life, I became suddenly done with.
Y – I’m not so sure I can do that for you.
W – Why not?
Y – Because only you can do it for you.
W – Can you help me grasp that then?
Y – That I can do.
W – That I would like.
Y – How many guys do you know that talk with Jesus on the drop of a hat on boring flat feeling afternoon?
W – Are you trying to cheer me up?
Y – God forbid. Let’s try another tack. You tell me what’s right about you?
W – I feel that it is because I am in touch with my heart that I can feel what I feel, rather than suppress it, even if it isn’t a high feeling, feel the desire and need and even frustration of a blocked need, and in that come back to myself.
Y – Uh, huh, I’m listening now.
W – I’ve actually managed to uncouple myself from an entangled and make believe world where time and money perceptions are used to enslave and cap the deeper capacities. How many people pull that off? Every person around me that I watch, I can feel the ache in them, the unfelt desire they are reaching for, and I have the ability to actually help them. That’s like real fun, not a boat ride being pulled in parachute abound the Bay of Banderas. God help us.
Y – What else?
W – I’m able to give myself this hospital like experience of care and love and going real easy on myself, and am able to answer and hold the part of myself who is still prompted by doing and routine and achievement, and be okay with doing nothing if that is what is most authentic.
Y – Because…?
W – It’s the because of the cause of being. My being is in rest and in stillness, there is a pregnancy of unexplainable metamorphosis. That’s the cause. Being over doing. It’s not a ‘do-cause,’ it’s a ‘be-cause.’ Not killing the being’s authentic and actual experience with doing something, out of some fear of losing meaning or purpose or value. I am full of meaning, purpose and value. I’m just choking a bit getting myself wired up to this new reality and letting it in. I’m hot fucking stuff man. How’s that Yeshua?
Y – You are hot fucking stuff man. Way hotter than parts of you realize. Do you get that the divine has had to put like lamp shades on you to get you safely this far, for a reason that’s yet to be revealed to you, to your mind that is.
W – Part of me worries though that especially when I’m in a flat feeling space that I’m somehow the weak link in all this unfolding, that I need to be more something to actually inherit divine purpose or something.
Y – Letting go of THAT veil is all that’s required. That was the deal extended virtually every religion, especially the one that fucking tagged onto my name, god dammit! Reeking pile of stinking horseshit that jesus loving Christianity is.
W – Whoa, Yeshua, are you being a bit over the top?
Y – The whole entire shit pile is designed and engineered for adherents to be ensured that never recognize or feel their own divinity. You don’t get people to wake up to their divinity by flogging them into it, or scaring them into it. You only ensure that they remain hidden further and further from feeling who and what they actually are before they ever believe anything or lift a spiritual finger to do anything. That’s a shit pile conditioning and I’d like to tell that to EVERY single Christian out there and especially the beloved pastors and priest assholes who are now called upon to admit that they are a huge part of the problem, not the answer in their claim on truth.
W – Wow, that’s interesting to me, cuz I have my Christian badge as you know.
Y – Yeah, and I get how relateable and all you are when you talk to Christians.
W – Yeshua, I just feel the deal is falling apart in it’s own way and time, and folks need the time they need. I did.
Y – And I get that, and I’d like to stick dynamite under it all at the same time. Part of the shit you are choking on in beloved Puerta Vallarta is the horse-shit Jesus and Mary Statues that serve as energetic blockers to seeing what’s true on a deeper level. You need to feel how part of your energy being sapped is location based, where your fellow human souls, who are your brothers and your sisters are committed to staying stuck in the name of serving God.
W – You know Yeshua, THAT I feel, I feel how I miss deep heart connection with the people around me, the people I’ve known in my past. I’ve dreamt about so many of them in recent months. They are my brothers and my sisters, and yet that brotherhood and sisterhood isn’t transactable.
Y – There’s that be-cause popping out Wayne. You’ve been guided to walk where others are afraid to walk, then feel the missing of the connection that you gave up to take those steps and then invite all men and women into the deeper waters you’ve found and feel.
W – My god, don’t suppose there’s a higher calling than that, huh?
Y – Yeah, and you figured you could embrace all of that without some headwind?
W – Guess I just forgot…so I could re-member…
Y – Have you tried the tequila yet?
W – No.
Y – Put that on your list man.
W – Will do, and thank you again Yeshua.
Y – De nada.