Always More To Learn In The Face Of Near-Term Human Extinction Possiblities: Life At El Rancho Blog



By Jelelle Awen

“Whenever the need for sanctuary presents itself, tomorrow or ten years from now, you will wish you knew more. So start learning right now, and go hard.” Brace For Impact, Thomas Lewis

It seems there is always so much to learn. Just in living this way there is a constant invitation to learn more. Learn more about both practical things and esoteric things; both external and internal things. What I’ve learned since moving to the ranch wouldn’t be taught in any university. Too bad since it has mostly been things crucial to survival. Or things of self discovery that are, again, crucial to my long-term survival and critical to my future as a co-founder and leader of our community here.

The locals here, most of whom didn’t finish high school and haven’t left the local area, know so much more about crucial things than I do. Things about what grows here; about what weeds, plants, fruits and cactus are edible here; about horses and raising livestock (although I don’t philosophically agree with that one); about how to get the body to work hard, very hard, in high temperatures without getting heat exhaustion; about singing Mexican songs at the top of their lungs at the end of a workday. Their earthy groundedness and capacity for simple joy aren’t taught in western universities, but will be so valuable in facing the changes that are coming.

As there is so much to learn, I feel pressed sometimes over what feels like an ever shortening time frame. Nothing truly significant, no major global crisis, has happened since we hatched our plan to move to the ranch from Canada a year ago. This is surprising to me, actually, as we felt like Chicken Littles screaming about the sky is gonna fall soon to anyone who would listen (most people wouldn’t.) I’m glad nothing major has happened (other than continuing economic tensions in Greece), of course, because there is so much to learn about living on a homestead in the meantime. And, there is so much transformation happening for us in living here. And, we want to draw others to join us here which will take time and mostly the internet to accomplish.

Yet, still, it just doesn’t feel like there are many years left of industrialized society,’ the empire’ as Guy McPherson calls it. In our human history, all empires have eventually fallen, especially when they overreached, leading to eventual under inhabitation and corruption. The empire had something that worked for them in one setting as in Rome, but then, they got greedy and imagined mini-Rome franchises sprouting up extending to all the areas they could imagine around them. The locals in these far off franchise locations didn’t have the same enthusiasm at being colonized and franchised. The actual establishment of the Western Empire happened when the first settlers came, entitledly took what they wanted, and created devastation instead of betterment. This same cycle has been repeating over and over again the last three hundred years or so with the levels of destruction and damage deepening with the rate of industrial and technological advancement.

Empire can’t sustain; it isn’t scalable long term. I’m beginning to wonder if anything really is scalable and especially industrial dependent society established on a planet with restricted resources to support it. Our focus as a species has been about growth and profit at any costs and without regard to any long term consequences. The consequences could be very dire, including the possible near-term extinction of our entire species. Guy talks about this in his book Going Dark. He is a former biology professor who has studied climate chaos (as he calls it) as his life passion and ‘left empire’ and his teaching position several years ago to set up a sustainable sanctuary near Tucson, Arizona. Due to climate chaos, environmental devastation, and the 400+ nuclear reactors that have no means to be shut down responsibly, he believes that it is highly unlikely that any life will exist on this planet by 2050. It’s a lot to take in but, also, it brings a poignancy to the moment. An urgency that every moment matters and counts.

For me, it brings me back to that point about there being so much to learn. Whether near term extinction or just collapse happens or not, this lifestyle is the one that brings me the most nourishment and is the most authentic reflection of who I am. I, too, have walked away from Empire. I plan to live my life, for however many years I have left, centered in this authentic life in union with nature.

Jelelle Awen is co-creator and facilitator of the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life. Go here to connect with Jelelle on facebookVisit the SoulFullHeart website  for more information about virtual sessions with her.

Summer Season Of Swarms And Storms: Life At El Rancho Blog



By Jelelle Awen

Today is June 21st, summer solstice, the day with the most hours of daylight and the beginning of summer. It means something different here on the ranch then it did in Canada. In Canada, the beginning of summer is the beginning of better weather. Maybe. Or at least you can count on July and August to be fairly decent. Summer in Canada is beautiful sunsets, hikes, dips in the water, watermelon, gatherings outside on patios, less clothing and usually more sex, an exhale and a shedding of a water logged skin in exchange for a tanned one. Summer is an event because of the tempestuous weather the rest of the year. Summer was always my favorite season and I would mourn deep down in my bones every time it turned cold and rainy again.

Here in Mexico, summer is different. Summer is the rainy season and the low tourism season. It is called the ‘off season’ for that reason. Summer on the ranch will be about navigating the increasingly bulging and rapid river that cuts off traffic and even people at times. Summer means that we can no longer drive our van on the ranch road and need to get rides with the couple who lives here who has a 4X4 and is gracious to give them to us. Summer will be stormy and windy with lightning storms and sometimes tail ends of hurricanes. In some ways, I can’t wait.

To experience extreme weather is to be thrust into the uncertainty of life. A rumble of thunder, a crack of lightening, a gust of wind…violent and uncontrollable. Reminding us of our fragility. The gift of being alive here. And Now. We’ve experienced two storms here that brought this into focus for us, both tail ends of hurricanes. Their power was undeniable. This is a good kind of humbling at times, especially for humans who feel that we must conquer nature rather than be in union with it.

We experienced another extreme here last week after the first rains since March. A huge swarm of flying termites, set free from their cocoons sheltering under the roof tiles. They were a horde surrounding every house. “It’s like the house is on fire!” exclaimed Wayne as I was quickly shutting every shutter that I could. But they got in anyway and we spent a restless night flicking them off of us and spent days cleaning up the wings that they shed. “It was gross,” part of me says. And, it was. But yet, also, it was another example of the uniqueness of experience here at the ranch, things that just couldn’t happen in cities. Some we like better than others, for sure.

The swarm seemed to offer us a message of masses, a group rising, born, arrived. We were hopeful that maybe it represented what we are feeling more and more: a desire for others to join us here in community. We feel the possibilities of expanding our community here to offer others the goodness, transformation, and intimacy that we’ve experienced. We envision building cabanas for people and sharing community space, united by a desire for healing and living sustainably. If you are interested in becoming part of our swarm, please visit our website at and contact us at

Summer is the season of Magdalene, lover and wife (I feel, as do a growing number of historians) of Yeshua. Magdalene offers sisterhood and brotherhood experience within community. Sexuality without sinful feelings between connected lovers. She invites us to explore metaphysical realms, feel the magic of the natural world, discover our latent soul gifts. And all of these while adoring and inhabiting our physical bodies. Magdalene is easy to connect with as an ascended teacher. She is quite the talker and loves to tell stories and have dialogues. If you want to feel her, just ask her to speak with you or tell her that you’d like to feel connected to her. Imagine a beautiful woman with long, red, curly hair and bright eyes. Imagine her deific smile and earthly laugh. Imagine Her smelling of sandlewood and lavender. Play some Lorenna Mckennit. And, there off you go together.

The season of swarms and storms. The season of connection and community. I welcome it.

Jelelle Awen is co-creator and facilitator of the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life. Go here to connect with Jelelle on facebookVisit the SoulFullHeart website  for more information about virtual sessions with her.

Poco a poquito: Life At El Rancho


By Jillian Vriend

Poco a poquito or poco a poco means, “little by little,” in Spanish. The hispanic foreman here at the ranch uses it often and it’s become a favorite of ours as well. Not only is it fun to say (as so many Spanish phrases are), but it seems to capture a deeper lifestyle shift for me since moving to the ranch.

Recently, I was lining the spiral paths in our garden with river rocks that are piled close by. I started doing this to denote areas of the garden that were close to the path and in threat of getting stepped on. We sowed carrot seeds on a slope inches from the path and I didn’t want any unsuspecting foot crushing them. Then, I started lining paths that we created in some of the beds with rocks to denote where it was, again, ok to walk without crushing anything still dormant in the soil. I have been very relaxed about this process, mostly letting my inner child lead the way when she feels like adding more rocks. I was in the middle of adding more rocks when Chino, the aforementioned foreman, came by. He said the word for “path” in Spanish and we communicated through hand gestures that I was, indeed, using the river rock to line all the paths.

Chino offered then to wheel barrow over a bunch of rocks for me. I knew how Chino worked, which was in a big display of strength and grounded push. I knew I would find myself with a huge pile of rocks in a short period of time. I smiled at him and pointed to the bucket I was using to slowly bring them over. Then I used his seemingly favorite expression, “poco a poquito.” This he got immediately, smiled at me, and moved on.

This sense of responding to things needed to be done, little by little, is a different approach than the pushing productivity of the western world and actually in most work projects. While there is a sense of importance about getting our garden planted and harvesting from it, there is also a feeling that nature will take its own time. There will be periods of activity and periods of rest. Periods of big growth and periods of little growth. Indeed, little by little, our garden grows and rather than feel that I am ‘working’ on the garden every day, I feel that I am responding to it in a circular way.

Some days that means adding more stones to line the paths and some days that means not adding any. I trust that eventually all the paths will be lined. I feel like this approach is what I imagine for our next garden, which will surround the house that we are staying in on the ranch. We imagine creating a herb spiral full of basil, oregano, cilantro, thyme, chamomile, and more. Rows of tropical lettuce, arugula, mizuna (an asian type of lettuce), and mustard greens will be tucked near the house with ready shade and easy watering. Perky sunflowers and other flowers will line the walk way up to the house, inviting creatures and people to come in. We want to create a path made of brick from the back walkway to the outdoor kitchen and level out the back of the house by the veranda for placement of some hammocks.

Or maybe not. This is the plan but we’ll see what actually unfolds…little by little.

Jillian Vriend is co-creator of the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life and author of three books.

Into The Wild: Healing Our Industrialized Self To Experience Our Wild Self

Nature is our partner, not our slaveGaia’s Garden by Toby Hemenway

By Jelelle Awen

Being here on the ranch has brought into my awareness another part or subpersonality aspect which I am calling our industrialized self. The industrialized self is a false self version of us that has been created from industrial society. It is entitled, disempowered, reliant, and overly medicates with material goods attainment and easy access to life’s essentials and also internet. It is a creation of the modern age. Often it exists in a virtual reality and is non relational. The industrialized self’s message is about shoulds: You should have a nice car. You should have a good paying job. You should have a mortgage. You should invest in the stock market. You should do what everyone else is doing.

On the ranch, we are living off grid and currently camping in tents while the house we are staying in is finished. We have no internet or cell phone service and no city electricity or water. We get our water lines hooked up in a series of water lines to natural springs at the property and we get some electricity from our solar panel. We take dips in the river daily to clean off (even though showers are available) and we handwash our laundry and hang it on a clothes line. Our industrialized self is not used to this sort of living and generally would resist this kind of lifestyle. I have been deconditioning from my industrialized self for a number of years, especially when I moved out of a home and into an RV last year. This part of me that was used to fairly spacious and nice places to live had to get used to the small yet cozy space of the RV. This part of me had to adjust to shared laundry and shower facilities, a very small kitchen with a propane stove and oven, and sharing our ‘front yard’ with many people passing through. But now, this part of me is being challenged even more by the lifestyle we are living.

I feel that with the most likely impending collapse of industrial society, all of our industrialized parts will need to make intense adjustments in lifestyles. In some cases, people won’t be able to survive because they haven’t done enough transition to self sustainablity, especially in the crucial areas of providing themselves with fresh water and growing their own food. I feel it is the industrialized self that resists making these changes in a proactive way and keeps many people in denial.

I feel that the industrialized self heals to more expressions of what we are calling our wild self as it is felt by you, negiotated with, and you begin to make changes toward a more sustainable lifestyle. Negotiating with this part is crucial to be able to proactively make changes prior to collapse. If not negotiated with, it will sabotage your efforts to become self sustainable in some of the following ways: drawing a mate who doesn’t support your desires for self sustainability; becoming economically dependent or sabotaging your money resources related to becoming sustainable; receiving harsh judgments from friends and family about your plans and agreeing with them; learning very much about collapse but not taking action; being in denial about collapse and very resistant to hearing about it. The industrialized self heals to become our wild self.

The wild self is an aspect of our sacred humanity that has been unformed by industrialized society. It is untamed and unconcerned with rules and societal norms. It is connected deeply to our gut instinct, our primal nature. It thrives and comes alive in natural environments, the more natural and wild the setting the better and the more ‘unprepared’ the better. Our wild side naturally connects to all animals and plants. If it must kill, it does it with honor and reverence and gratitude. Our wild side can merge in with nature and become one with it. The wild self arises without personality in response to the environment. I feel it cannot really come alive until you have negotiated with and deconstructed the industrialized self to a large degree. Weekend wilderness trips give a taste of it, but not the full meal. The wild self doesn’t care about the latest and great camping gear or spending lots of money on it or keeping up with friends related to the latest trends. The wild self prefers to experience nature alone or with a deep intimate where talking isn’t even needed. The wild self feels the sacredness of nature, respects the rhythms, leaves no trace of its presence and exists in partnership in nature rather than trying to dominate it. The wild self can take care of all of its basic human needs and also its spiritual and emotional ones. It is naturally in abidement with the Divine in every moment and doesn’t need religion or church or a guru to experience It.

After global collapse of industrial society, it our wild self which will survive and thrive amongst the ruins of city infrastructure, highway systems, obsolete electric grids, declining fossil fuels, and shattered economic and political configurations. Even prior to this collapse, we can experience the healing of our industrialized self and the emergence of our wild side, which allows us to take in more of nature and our surroundings.

Jelelle Awen is co-creator and facilitator of the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life. Go here to connect with Jelelle on facebookVisit the SoulFullHeart website  for more information about virtual sessions with her.

Lighting Your Fire And Taking Action Before Collapse Comes


By Jelelle Awen

Seeking knowledge about current world conditions that contribute to an overall sense of impending collapse is important. It’s a necessary phase that provides a growing sense of urgency, like putting kindling on a fire before you light it. The kindling could be scouring the internet for alternative news sources, reading social critics who provide a more radical and controversial viewpoint such as James Kunstler or Thomas Lewis and connecting with like-minded people in online and local transition communities to receive validation for your growing certainty about collapse coming. The sticks pile up and grow as your mind deconditions from cultural conditioning and seeks to separate from the group mentality that is so pervasive in our culture.

But, then what? You’ve got a nice pile of kindling going but it isn’t actually keeping you warm. When are you going to light the match? When are you going to start throwing logs on to get your fire really going? Lighting the match is about actually taking action, doing something in response to all that you’ve learned about collapse and are digesting with others. For us, lighting our match was about initially assessing if where we were living was going to provide us with the four essentials of survival: the logs of our fire, if you will, and then, taking action to find our sanctuary. We asked ourselves some hard questions, including if where we were living in British Columbia, Canada near the city of Vancouver on a coastline that is only accesible by ferry was really the sanctuary we wanted post collapse? Due to its high cost of living pre-collapse, short growing season, cold winters, and the significant impact that post collapse life would have on the people there (we imagined a lot of looting and panic), the answer was ‘no’. There is fresh water there and perhaps more chance to survive related to climate change, but, for us, the need for warm climate that provided a long growing season and less reaction after collapse from local people outweighed all that.

Once we decided that we weren’t staying in the same area and needed to leave as soon as possible, the match was lit to begin researching a place to go with a warmer climate. We decided on Mexico because we could drive there by car; we were more familiar with it; it has very fertile land; and the infrastructure collapse will be much less jarring than in western cultures. Quite quickly we found the ranch here, a 700 acre ecovillage about two hours from Puerto Vallarta with hundreds of fruit trees already planted there and multiple natural spring water sources. Solid infastructure has been built there for many years, including extenstive water pipelines to every house and trees. There is a community kitchen and bathroom/shower building, plus two large palapas which would allow us to host groups, couples, and individual retreats. We also liked that it wasn’t a community based on a guru or religious belief system, but was about individual lot and home owners living in a community that offered the potential of collaboration without a set expectation around it.

The ranch provided the most essential logs for our survival fire post collapse: shelter, fresh water, fresh food (the fruit trees plus organic food we would grow ourselves), and safety (being in a remote location that has good challenges in traveling easily to it.) With the potential of being at this ranch and feeling the logs of survival taken care of, we lit the match and began our exodus journey from Canada to Mexico, which I describe here.

The point of this article is that it feels as if more and more people are becoming aware of collapse and are in the kindling gathering stage. But, if they do not take action and light that fire and find those survival logs, all of their knowledge won’t mean anything when collapse happens and, sadly enough, they will perish along with those who never saw it coming at all.

Taking action is scary. Very scary. This is why parts of people debate endlessly about which place to go to without actually going anywhere, (if they decide that they can’t stay where they are, which is of course the ideal decision if the four ‘logs’ of survival are available). We feel strongly that the winter of this year and going into spring of next year will bring some major changes to the industrial world, economic and political systems especially. This is based on research but, also, it is based on our own intuitions and guidance from the Divine. For those who don’t feel or experience Divine guidance, I imagine that it’s hard to get what I am saying. But even if you don’t, I am urging you to take action based on your own instinct then. And start taking action immediately, way before collapse makes it so much harder and maybe even impossible to do so. Basically, stop talking about it and do it.

Yes, there will be fear and anxiety. There was and still is for us, even as we are now in the final stage of moving onto the ranch and hoping to begin planting seeds in the next few weeks. We’ve spent many years of focus on our emotional and spiritual healing, which I feel does make it easier for us in some ways. But, even with that, I feel that anyone can move forward from where they are and begin to find their sanctuary and making their way there or creating it out of what they have. Living ‘as if’ collapse is coming brings a purpose and momentum to life even if it is years before the ‘official’ collapse of industrial society actually happens.

We have already experienced so many gifts from making this life change, from living ‘as if’ collapse could happen any moment. We have left a cold and dreary climate to a warm one that doesn’t have frost or snow. We have increased our knowledge immensely of native plants, edible weeds and flowers, making our own soups and cleaning projects, living off of solar, etc. all of which makes us feel more empowered rather than dependent on the ‘grids’ to provide for us. As a community, we’ve increased our sense of collaboration, trust, and love with each other- even as we’ve had issues to sort out at times along the way. For me, as a healer and teacher, I feel a renewed sense of dedication to what I feel I am here to bring the world because I am even more deeply living my message with integrity. I am ‘walking my talk’, which is rare in the world of spirituality and emotional healing. I also feel more surrender into accepting that my form of service may come more in growing vegetables than in serving others.

We have thought of our own survival first, and yet, as healers for many years, we want to offer what we’ve experienced, learned, and drawn to ourselves with others.

Jelelle Awen is co-creator and facilitator of the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life. Go here to connect with Jelelle on facebookVisit the SoulFullHeart website  for more information about virtual sessions with her.

Three Countries, Seven States In 14 Days: Exodus To Sanctuary


Lake Powell Lowering Water Levels
Lake Mead, Arizona- Dangerously Low Water Levels

By Jillian Vriend

This blog title has been floating around in my mind for two weeks, yet this is the first time that I’ve really had a chance to sit down and write about our journey so far. A journey that has, indeed, brought us through three countries (Canada, the United States, and Mexico) and seven states (including two in Mexico) in a short fourteen days.

We made the decision in June to leave the west coast in British Columbia, Canada and move to the pacific coast in Mexico. Motivating our decision at that time was our increasingly urgent sense that significant global collapse is coming; a collapse of industrial society that will bring the end of easy gas, easy water, easy electricity, easy food. A collapse that will call us to become self sufficient and yet compel us to be in community at the same time. I’ve written more about that here and here. We felt that the most practical course of action was to move to a place that has a long growing season, temperate weather, and is already living a more simple lifestyle with less infrastructure to collapse.

During our months of planning, we imagined many scenarios about our initial journey to get to our sanctuary, an eco village two hours south of Puerto Vallarta. Our biggest tension feelings were around my husband Wayne being able to cross the U.S. border after receiving a five year ban in 2009. He got this ban due to us living together as an engaged couple in the U.S. and after having a ‘record’ of many years of monthly crossings into the U.S. from Canada for the emotional and spiritual work that we were both involved with in Ashland, Oregon. We were outraged and devastated when he was banned at first, but adjusted our life to Canada, including raising my daughter there until she graduated from high school. Our plans were hopefully optimistic about Wayne being able to cross into the U.S. now that the five years were up and we hoped to do some camping in Yellowstone and Zion National Parks, and also spend a few days taking in the vortex energy in Sedona, Arizona.

However, none of that was to be. Wayne called me after being refused at the border in an attempt to cross by Amtrak. He had been allowed on the train in Vancouver, made it to the border crossing in White Rock, and then been escorted off the train and told he needed a waiver to cross. A waiver that would take a minimum of five months to get. The biggest distress he experienced was being handcuffed as he was escorted off the train by four border guards carrying weapons and wearing bullet proof vests, treating him as if he were a dangerous criminal.

We digested this experience over the next few days and decided that Wayne would fly to Puerto Vallarta and we would meet him in a town close to the Mexican border crossing in Nogales (this turned out to be the fairly large city of Hermosillo) after Christopher, Kathleen and I traveled for about a week through Washington, Idaho, Montana, Utah, and crossed into Mexico at Nogales, Arizona. Although this was an easy decision on one level, it was heartbreaking for us on another as we had all been so looking forward to taking in these sacredly natural places in the U.S. with Wayne.

The whole incident seemed to reinforce our desire to leave the U.S. behind and, as a citizen, I felt a deep disgust at the punitive way the situation was handled and further distancing from feeling like an U.S. citizen in any way. This situation illuminates how vulnerable border crossings are and anyone expecting to be able to cross easily post collapse is in denial. These borders are already militarized and the border guards are the judge, jury, and executioner. You cannot appeal what happens at a border crossing and you are completely at mercy of their discretion.  It is easy to imagine how easily these borders will be shut down once collapse begins, especially if it is a disease like Ebola which causes the collapse. This is one of the biggest reasons why we are leaving now while travel is still relatively easy.

We began our one week journey to cover 1,000KM in two cars with three dogs, one of which weighs over 90 pounds. We discovered very quickly that we couldn’t drive more than six hours in one day as the dogs needed frequent breaks, Kathleen is a newer driver, and I didn’t feel comfortable driving one of our vehicles- a large passenger van packed with our belongings- which left that driving to Christopher. We shuffled in and out of hotel rooms, trying to maintain our vegan diet (we only ate a bit of dairy but no meat) and some kind of daily exercise for the dogs. Every day, every city was an energetic adjustment, along with every hotel room offering its own frequencies of goodness and density.

There were many times that being in the U.S. felt like being in a foreign country, one whose priorities seemed to be majorly screwed up. This was demonstrated in the never ending succession of factory outlet malls, fast food restaurants, subdivisions created around the illusion of unlimited sources of easy gas and electricity. The cities built unsustainably in desert locations, their water sources diminishing every day. The acres and acres of monoculture, chemically dependent agriculture, and even evidence of chem trails in the sky near Spokane, Washington.

One moment sticks out to me as deep evidence of the trouble that we are in related to climate change. We drove over Lake Mead Arizona- which is fed by Lake Powell, the primary water source for Las Vegas and Phoenix as well. The water level is now so low that you cannot see the water when you drive over the bridge spanning it. There is evidence everywhere of greatly decreased water levels. We spent a total of six days in desert conditions- including in a campground in San Carlos, Mexico, with temperatures hovering in the 90s and even low 100s. Our every thought became about surviving the heat and keeping the dogs cool as we made go of it without air conditioning. It is impossible to imagine how the millions of people who live in these desert areas will be able to survive without air conditioning, trucked in food, and piped in water. We were all relieved when we passed into more tropical and temperate conditions as we headed to Mazatlán.

It is more difficult to see evidence of collapse in the U.S. as the infrastructure as been so deeply created to support the current lifestyle. It became much more evident as we entered into Mexico, especially into the poor border state of Sonora. Many of the concrete dwellings along the toll highway there have been abandoned and even the resort like settling of San Carlos suffers from unfinished developments and bankrupted businesses. But still, it feels like more people here in Mexico get that modern conveniences are a luxury, not a given right. The water is already undrinkable, the roads are already falling apart in many places, the local economy is already experiencing contractions. The fall is much closer and not as far as the U.S.

Right now, we are in a campground in Mazatlan. We were blessed to be here during the ‘off season’ and are able to camp right on the beach with a ‘million dollar view’ that is only costing us 500 pesos or less than $50 a night. We are sleeping in tents while empty high rise condo buildings surround us on both sides. We are letting the waves and sea air aerate us and rejuvenate our energy before we move on to our final destination in Puerto Vallarta. We experienced a tropical thunderstorm last night and every thunder boom and lightening strike seemed to remind us that we are guests on this planet and very vulnerable to the weather. This is what we’ve forgotten in our dry wall, air conditioning existence. This is what we must remember and will be forced to remember very soon.

Jillian (Jelelle Awen) is co-creator of SoulFullHeart. Visit for more information.

The Cause Of Being Is Your Because: Mission To Me Journal With Wayne And Yeshua

Wayne – Hey Yeshua, I’m up for more if you are.

Yeshua – I’m in. How are you doing?

W – You caught that huh? I’m feeling a bit blah actually and a part of me is eager for there to be a bit more clarity about what’s going on. I don’t feel much motivation. I could be studying Spanish or doing exercise, but the get up and go for that isn’t there right now.

Y – And what’s wrong with that?

W – Well, a conditioned part of me doesn’t like feeling the blahs. I suspect something bigger than I can track right now is being rewired at the moment. After all, I am 1 week into a new country, and a few weeks retired from a 30 year career.

Y – Won’t you be surprised by where we go today?

W – I’m counting on it actually. But I think you’re gonna have to lead here. From where I’m coming from in the moment, I can’t feel much.

Y – And what’s the doorway into feeling?

W – I’d say it’s admitting that I’m not feeling much and that I’d like to be feeling a lot more.

Y – And what is the world of feeling?

W – hmmm, I’d say feeling is…..feeling is like a flood of self worth, and self-recognition that so inflates….and that comes from the internal, rather than the external. Sometimes the external is what triggers the internal…

Y – Okay, hold on for a second now. Self worth. Feeling worth. Feeling great about yourself.

W – Right…

Y – And you say, you’re not feeling much of that this afternoon?

W- Honestly, no. I’m feeling a bit flat.

Y – What is flat?

W – It feels like some impulse to do something. After all I am in a resort, with time on my hands, and money too if need be.

Y – And why don’t you want to go out and do shit?

W – I just don’t see myself having a lot of enjoyment being in people’s disconnected vacation energy.

Y – Where would you rather be?

W – I guess I’d rather be here with you having this conversation.

Y – Is this going somewhere?

W – I was just about to ask you the same thing.

Y – Tell me your answer.

W – Feeling is beginning to trickle in as I connect with you.

Y – And what’s the feeling?

W – That I am loved and valued as I am and as a human, I have much greater depth and need in my being, and simple pat answers about ‘overcoming depression’ are a pathetic bullshit heap in comparison with the uniqueness and complexity and the worth of my being…

Y – Don’t stop now.

W – And of course I feel out of sorts. I just unhitched from peddling myself in the world as a house painter, something that was affecting me with the growing integrity gap of painting people’s homes when I wanted to tell people to get the hell out of their sinking titanic reality.

Y – You’re left with a vacuum.

W – Yeah, I get that part, but I’m still struggling to enjoy it, or to be at rest in it.

Y – In nature Wayne, things incubate, they bake and they reboot. A breakthrough moment isn’t any more sacred that a process moment leading up to that breakthrough.

W- You saying I’m a bit of a change addict.

Y – Y’a think?!

W – Maybe you can help me sort through this lifelong restless energy then. Yes, I’ve been impatient and surprised many times by how things that defined my life, I became suddenly done with.

Y – I’m not so sure I can do that for you.

W – Why not?

Y – Because only you can do it for you.

W – Can you help me grasp that then?

Y – That I can do.

W – That I would like.

Y – How many guys do you know that talk with Jesus on the drop of a hat on boring flat feeling afternoon?

W – Are you trying to cheer me up?

Y – God forbid. Let’s try another tack. You tell me what’s right about you?

W – I feel that it is because I am in touch with my heart that I can feel what I feel, rather than suppress it, even if it isn’t a high feeling, feel the desire and need and even frustration of a blocked need, and in that come back to myself.

Y – Uh, huh, I’m listening now.

W – I’ve actually managed to uncouple myself from an entangled and make believe  world where time and money perceptions are used to enslave and cap the deeper capacities. How many people pull that off? Every person around me that I watch, I can feel the ache in them, the unfelt desire they are reaching for, and I have the ability to actually help them. That’s like real fun, not a boat ride being pulled in parachute abound the Bay of Banderas. God help us.

Y – What else?

W – I’m able to give myself this hospital like experience of care and love and going real easy on myself, and am able to answer and hold the part of myself who is still prompted by doing and routine and achievement, and be okay with doing nothing if that is what is most authentic.

Y – Because…?

W – It’s the because of the cause of being. My being is in rest and in stillness, there is a pregnancy of unexplainable metamorphosis. That’s the cause. Being over doing. It’s not a ‘do-cause,’ it’s a ‘be-cause.’ Not killing the being’s authentic and actual experience with doing something, out of some fear of losing meaning or purpose or value. I am full of meaning, purpose and value. I’m just choking a bit getting myself wired up to this new reality and letting it in. I’m hot fucking stuff man. How’s that Yeshua?

Y – You are hot fucking stuff man. Way hotter than parts of you realize. Do you get that the divine has had to put like lamp shades on you to get you safely this far, for a reason that’s yet to be revealed to you, to your mind that is.

W – Part of me worries though that especially when I’m in a flat feeling space that I’m somehow the weak link in all this unfolding, that I need to be more something to actually inherit divine purpose or something.

Y – Letting go of THAT veil is all that’s required. That was the deal extended virtually every religion, especially the one that fucking tagged onto my name, god dammit! Reeking pile of stinking horseshit that jesus loving Christianity is.

W – Whoa, Yeshua, are you being a bit over the top?

Y – The whole entire shit pile is designed and engineered for adherents to be ensured that never recognize or feel their own divinity. You don’t get people to wake up to their divinity by flogging them into it, or scaring them into it. You only ensure that they remain hidden further and further from feeling who and what they actually are before they ever believe anything or lift a spiritual finger to do anything. That’s a shit pile conditioning and I’d like to tell that to EVERY single Christian out there and especially the beloved pastors and priest assholes who are now called upon to admit that they are a huge part of the problem, not the answer in their claim on truth.

W – Wow, that’s interesting to me, cuz I have my Christian badge as you know.

Y – Yeah, and I get how relateable and all you are when you talk to Christians.

W – Yeshua, I just feel the deal is falling apart in it’s own way and time, and folks need the time they need. I did.

Y – And I get that, and I’d like to stick dynamite under it all at the same time. Part of the shit you are choking on in beloved Puerta Vallarta is the horse-shit Jesus and Mary Statues that serve as energetic blockers to seeing what’s true on a deeper level. You need to feel how part of your energy being sapped is location based, where your fellow human souls, who are your brothers and your sisters are committed to staying stuck in the name of serving God.

W – You know Yeshua, THAT I feel, I feel how I miss deep heart connection with the people around me, the people I’ve known in my past. I’ve dreamt about so many of them in recent months. They are my brothers and my sisters, and yet that brotherhood and sisterhood isn’t transactable.

Y – There’s that be-cause popping out Wayne. You’ve been guided to walk where others are afraid to walk, then feel the missing of the connection that you gave up to take those steps and then invite all men and women into the deeper waters you’ve found and feel.

W – My god, don’t suppose there’s a higher calling than that, huh?

Y – Yeah, and you figured you could embrace all of that without some headwind?

W – Guess I just forgot…so I could re-member…

Y – Have you tried the tequila yet?

W – No.

Y – Put that on your list man.

W – Will do, and thank you again Yeshua.

Y – De nada.

Tribulation: A Novel Inviting Us To Feel Life After Global Collapse

“A man lives who hears the the song of the red-tailed hawk and flies with it; A man lives who begins and ends each day with his new family and needs no other people; A man lives, who learns something new about the ground he walks every day, and needs no other place; A man lives who knows he is in the world not on it, a part of it not in charge of it, with many brethren of all kinds, and has no right to take more than he needs.” From Tribulation

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By Jillian Vriend

Information about the inevitable global collapse of our short-sighted, technology- and cheap-fossil-fuel-dependent world is usually presented from a mental perspective and from an energy of “proving” that intense changes are coming and when they might be coming. Most of what is out there is mental analysis presented by mostly men who seem to be overly dedicated to researching thoroughly because what they are offering is admittedly to a stubborn audience in deep denial. They use logic and reasoning to try to pierce this denial and to wake up, first and foremost, a person’s awareness to what is happening. While this initial awakening is crucial, I’ve felt something missing from what I’ve digested recently from these mostly male sources and ‘experts’ on collapse.

What I feel is missing from the collapse picture and from our world in a big way is feeling, intuition, compassion, vision, surrender, and connection to a bigger context. Basically, a feminine energy (in both men and women) that can hold and respond to what is happening and what will happen from the heart rather than just from the head. I feel called to provide some of that energy through my connection with the Divine Mother, as I’ve done in previous conversations that I’ve shared on this blog. I also felt compelled to share images from our world with only music as backdrop to invite the heart to digest what is happening rather than just the mind. I feel strongly that is our individual capacity to emotionally digest what is coming that will become the most valuable currency in the future. I feel that survival and practical skills in combination with emotional maturity will offer the most grounded chance for those awakening to this reality.

One of the most difficult things for people to imagine is what the collapse will be like and how it might feel to actually live through it. This is where I feel that fiction writing can be very helpful as it sparks the imagination (connected to our third eye/visionary access) and elicits our emotional reactions in ways that just being presented the “facts” of what is happening cannot. Telling and hearing stories has been an important aspect of human consciousness throughout our history…we’ve moved from sharing orally around the fire to spending millions on block buster movies. Most of these stories feel like they feed our denial, keep us asleep, and allow us to act courageously in a vicarious way. Most of these stories bear little resemblance to most our lives and purposely avoid reflecting the subconscious (and sometimes conscious) misery and suffering that so many people feel. Most of these stories act as drugs, whether to keep us from feeling or to drop us into feeling as a way to off gas our pain without actually connecting it to ourselves.

Sometimes, though, a story comes along that invites us to feel ourselves and our lives. It invites us to feel the very real possibilities of our future and offers scenarios that don’t feel foreign so much as scarily familiar. Tribulation by Thomas Lewis offers such a story. Rather than offering a dystopian picture of a world that has been cranked up to extremes so we don’t feel too disturbed by it (like Hunger Games series, 1984Battlestar Gallatica, the Divergent series, The Stand, Planet Of The Apes, etc.), this book remains firmly grounded in what is not only possible but is very likely. The author has obviously researched extensively our fossil fuel dependency, as one example, and then he imagines what will happen to modern society when the tankers can’t deliver, when the food can’t be delivered by truck, when the political systems have become irreversibly corrupt from preserving relationships with middle eastern, oil-rich countries , when the wars escalate, when the economy based on fiat currency collapses. It’s easy to imagine the hoarding, the looting, the shooting and yet can be difficult for us to feel what that would be like to live through. We need characters, like reluctant leader William and his collapse-seeing son Bill, and the others who live out the first, very messy and painful phase of collapse on a sustainable farm, to project our hopes and our fears on to.

The author provides us a picture of what it will take to survive: fertile land in a remote location, a source of clean drinking water, security systems in place (including hand guns), a community of people that you can trust with your life, gardens, farm animals. Many people offer this picture of ecovillage and intentional community living as a crucial step, but it is much more compelling to journey with these characters as they actually live this life, giving up most of the modern conveniences that have allowed for easy food, easy water, and (for most of us) easy lives. And their journey is not just about adjusting to daily living in this new, very physical reality, it is also about these characters letting go of who they were before the collapse and arising into who they become afterwards.

We feel that it is the collapse of the self image built up by the false self that will be the most difficult aspect for most people. So much investment in money earning, mortgages, professional careers, attaining the next “toy”…this investment will be impossible for many people to let go of even when life “forces” them to let go. We have offered with SoulFullHeart for two years now and been on our own journey for over ten years of deconstruction of the false self and its domains of control and strategy. We have let go of jobs, toxic family relationships, even previously revered spiritual groups…anything that did not seem to serve our arising authentic self and deconstruction of our false self. Reading this book confirmed these decisions as the de-construction process for us might be that much easier to bear when it happens. We have surrendered outcomes to the Divine and try to align our desires with the bigger context of our souls and Divine guidance. We have decided to leave Canada in the next few months and find a place that establish a conscious community that will feel like our “ark”, most likely in Mexico. A place where we can plant our seeds of heart and soul offering, growing not just the food we need to survive but the way of life that brings us such growth and love. A place where we can draw others with like-hearted and minded sense of life to be in community with us.

There is such growing proof that a great death is coming and we are already in the middle of a painful contraction period, the likes of which have never been experienced by our species. But, I hold in my heart (as validated by reading this book) that there is a rebirth possible rising out of the ashes of our false investments. A rebirth that offers a lifestyle of simplicity, sustainability, connection with our environment, and, most importantly of all, love.

Entering and Leaving: In The Birth Canal

Photo By Wayne Vriend
Photo By Wayne Vriend

By Wayne Vriend

Mike, whose energy reminded me of a slick Amway promoter, was the recently hired Western Canada Regional Manager for a company boasting to be the largest of its kind in Canada. While driving home, I reluctantly picked up his call after having just pulled up stakes mid way through on a paint job for this company. This is something that I had never even thought of doing in my previous 23 years long subcontracting relationship with the company.

Earlier in the day, I had decided and informed the company that I would not complete a big deadline job unless some reasonable payment was made. I also made this decision after hearing that many other subcontractors and even material suppliers were getting paid very late. Due to this, the job was poorly coordinated, running behind, and contained an energy of chaos, anxiety, and disconnect.

“Hi Wayne, it’s Mike. I also have Darren on the line,” he said, in a voice too loud, too smooth, and too enthusiastic for the situation.  “I said to Darren, let’s get Wayne on the line and see if we can clear this up. I think your invoices just have some dates confused in our system and that should take care of things.”

I sighed inwardly at his assumption. “No, Mike, I checked all of our invoices over carefully with your accounting department months ago. They are correct in your system and they do, in fact, go back over 4 months”

Then, he changed his tack. Softening his voice a little, he said, “Wayne, I’m going to see if I can get you all of this money from our treasury department right away. It may take me a few days though. Would you be willing in the meantime, in good faith in our company, to continue so we can get these people moved back into their home?”

It wasn’t so easy to find my words inside of this barrage of tones and words: a promise to go and get my money from the difficult and elusive treasury department; an appeal to my sense of good faith; and care for others: getting the homeowners moved back into their home.

I managed to find my response after fumbling at first around with my words. “No, MIke, I’m not comfortable with that and it just doesn’t feel self loving to do that. It’s been several broken promises.”

The job was going sideways fast anyway. Material suppliers, subcontractors and employees alike waiting on the sidelines for a corporate nation-wide general contracting company and it’s opaque layers of management and hedge fund ownership to find some heart and soul, and actually lead, or actually care.

When the Titanic hit the iceberg a 101 years ago, there were two precious hours of choice and action time before it finally sunk to the bottom of the ocean. The gravitational pull of denial, and buying into the status quo answer of ‘this ship is unsinkable’, were in fact what caused a much greater loss of life. Those who came to their senses early in the first hour made all the difference, for themselves and for others.

We are in such a time. It is evident wherever you look. My story from this week is not unique.

Our grand capitalist systems; our social systems; our religious and spiritual systems: these that are so dear to our false selves and have enjoyed such huge buy ins from so many, for so long; all these have struck an iceberg. These systems, that once felt so much like home, that animated us, are now in slow motion collapse. Make no mistake, as Captain Smith said so plainly in the movie in response to Rose’s inquiry about their fate; ‘The ship will sink.’

It gets real clear, on a sinking ship, once you’ve accepted what moments ago felt unbelievable even to you, that your first responsibility is to save lives, including your own. What are you choosing today? What are you trusting in today? How do you propose to care for anyone else while denying your first responsibility; to truly care for yourself?

The iceberg is not the problem. The poor design is not the problem. It is all a huge and unexpected gift to us, if we can only surrender to the point of the collapse: being prepared by the circumstance itself to enter our next phase of life.

Our most authentic self is mid stream in the birth canal, between the collapsing story and the rise of a new story, waiting to be born. In order for that to happen, we are being invited to leave the false self systems that we once held so dear and enter into an arising birthing process.  We can’t know what our new self will look like, we can only trust that what we were previously invested in is now complete in it’s purpose to bring us to a deeper choice point and truer reflection of who we were meant to be.

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