By Kathleen Calder
One of the hardest things to digest is disconnect from family. It’s not a secret that in North America and some other cultures as well there is a huge emphasis on what essentially boils down to “staying together for the kids”. The term “kids”, in the case of this writing of mine today, refers mostly to the young parts within each of us. I have put myself into some very dishonest places within my family for the sake of keeping everything peaceful and not causing any sort of upset. My feeling about doing this is that it has led me to a sort of “caretaker” role and actually created a lot of co-dependency between myself and other family members. Likewise, I have been the one on the receiving end of the caretaking and as a result I have felt such an intense pull to find approval with family members that aren’t even my birth mom.
The question I’m exploring today is, what is it about our need for “mom’s approval” that keeps us clinging to unhealthy relationships? It’s easy enough to try and take this on a purely psychological trajectory, but I’d like to actually explore this in a SoulFullHeart (heart-based) kind of way.
Since realizing all of the unhealthy aspects of my relationship with my own mother a number of months ago, I have also noticed the unhealthy ways in which I have tried to let others in as surrogate moms, even people the same age as me, at times. It’s funny how the same personality traits appear in just about every woman who tries to mother me in some way…right down to the things they choose to worry about (including me). This has led to me seeking approval from them subconsciously. If I wasn’t in constant contact with my young parts, I wouldn’t be able to put my finger on why I’m feeling triggered in a given moment or what it is about someone that seems to rub me the wrong way. When unhealthy relationship pieces have been felt out once, they have been realized by your consciousness and that makes it easier to recognize and take note when the same circumstances happen again. Without this mechanism in place, it would be that much harder for me to know how to cope with certain people that I draw into my life.
The danger with choosing to separate from your family, especially your mother, is that your young parts will draw in others to substitute for them in your life if you aren’t in active dialogue and feeling with them. When I first asked my mother for space I didn’t do this actively enough. Sure, I already had a relationship with my young parts that was juicy and beautiful, but I didn’t work diligently enough at the time to keep feeling into their deepening reactions to the “mom” situation. As a result I drew a lot of substitute caretakers who would speak to and treat me as if I was my young parts. They had a hard time seeing me as an autonomous young adult and especially had a hard time taking in that I was 25 years old and not still in my teenage years or even my early 20’s.
Realizing this now, I feel more compassionate and appreciative towards them and their efforts to love me the only way they knew how…which happens to be the same reasons why I have had to ask my mom to not be in relationship with me, at least until she can start to show up for herself and her own young parts so that I no longer feel like I have to. The same goes for the rest of my family. I feel I have more than done my part with regards to uncovering a more adult, heart-centred me that can be in deep, vulnerable, heart-based relationships with other adult, heart-centred selves. Of course I am still working this piece, and, you know what? Asking for sovereignty from my family and even being as forthright as I’m being in this writing is all evidence of that.
I can sense how this could easily cause uproar with moms everywhere. I do not mean any disrespect to the role of “mother”. I am very grateful for where my relationship with my mom has led me, even if it has resulted in fallout. None of this has been easy for me to take in and digest and I want to express that from the bottom of my heart. I simply had to feel my way into leaving the nest completely and I know that despite protestation from a part or parts of you, somewhere within you that need of mine will land. We have all felt it or will feel it eventually in some way, shape or form whether it’s in relationship to your immediate family or even your work family. You have my love, support and respect for whatever you sovereignly decide to do when these feelings come up for you on your own journey.
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I’m glad you posted this Kathleen. It so says what in a way all mothers courageously need to do, and what all daughters and sons need to do. Parents need to let go, and see what sustains without their tugs. Adult Children, of every age, need to leave the energetic and emotional nest and let go of ‘mommy’ medications in order to feel safe in the world. Feel the grief too, as well as the joy.
Another thought provoking article, Kathleen. Family relationships are so tricky to negotiate aren’t they? Sometimes we are the care taker, sometimes we are the care giver. And as you point out these roles are probably more to do with the repressed or scattered parts of ourselves than the person we are in relationship with.
I remember years ago I was in a relationship with an alcoholic. It was the first time that I had encountered alcoholism and I speedily fell into the caretaker role co-dependency role. It all happened without me even realising what was happening but the alcoholic became the handy excuse for everything that was going wrong in my life. Some of the bad stuff was down to the alcoholism but he was such a handy scapegoat for everything else too. Whilst the spotlight was on him and his behaviour I didn’t have to look at my own shortcomings.
I went to Al-Anon, a self help group for the friends and relatives of alcoholics for ten years. That helped me at least to recognise some of what was going on. It was a start and awareness is the first step isn’t it. Once we have some awareness we can start to make choices.
Thanks for sharing. And good luck with your journey.
Warm regards
Corinne
Hi Corinne. Thank you so much for sharing your story. Care taking and scapegoating are dynamics that seem to show up within relationships where there is any kind of addiction…whether substance-based or otherwise. It takes an enormous amount of self-love and recognition in order to even begin seeking a way out of that.
Yes, I feel that you’re absolutely right when you say that choices for the better begin with even just a small amount of awareness that there even is a problem in the first place. In fact, I feel that for me at least, this is definitely what had to happen for me to begin my own process…and even to discover which step is next, which sometimes becomes a process all on its own.
Thanks again for your great response to my writing. It feels really good to know that it landed somewhere. 🙂
Kathleen