Healing Toward Soul Family Relationships In The New Year


So much to let in on this post-Christmas day. It can be so easy for a part of us to get “back on the horse” of our daily lives and go through the motions of our routines and ‘to do’ list. When in reality so much happened! The words that were said or hadn’t been said. The moments of joy or frustration. The pings of loneliness or the wealth of good company. When we enter these celebrations, especially one as energy packed as Christmas, there is a lot that happens unconsciously that can leave us an energetic, unconscious hangover.

I was so fortunate to be in a time/space continuum yesterday that was light years ahead of what I used to inhabit. Having that multidimensional access to my past that still lives on in some echo of my emotional body, I could almost feel that ‘past’ in the Now and get a huge reflection of what parts of me were really feeling during those times. For me it was the consumption of a lot of alcohol, meat, and sweets, as well as taking in all sorts of dissonant vibrations that I wasn’t totally aware of inside myself.

Once I became aware of what was going on with parts of myself through conscious connection via journaling and meditation, there were a mountain of reactions happening inside that had no place to go. No depository of heart that felt safe enough to have it land in. Once I found that source inside myself through much reflection by my facilitators, Raphael and Jelelle, I could hold those with much compassion and find the courage to bring more truth and draw tighter boundaries.

These led to taking communicative space from my family that allowed me to really feel me. What was authentically me and what was a role I was playing to fit into the cast of characters that I did have much love for. But there came a moment in which the energetic and path differences between us became too great and I said a temporal goodbye until such time life found us in similar desires for deep healing and soul purpose.

This allowed for deep healing for my parts as well as advocating for something new and more aligned to what my soul and heart needed to grow and embody. No longer would I accept anything less than what I felt I needed and deserved as both a heart and a soul. I could feel the love for my birth family and wished them all well in there lives and journeys. They have an open invitation to the way of life that has brought me to places inside myself I can only have dreamed of not that long ago.
I felt the space between us and honored all of it. It was a deep reflection of what it may even feel like even just a short year from now with sights on expanded community, passion purpose, and geography. This is a result of deep healing and deep desire for more. I invite all of you to feel your deepest desires and calling for this next year and make it a mantra to not allow yourself, and your parts, to accept anything less than the love that you ARE no matter who it is you are in relationship to.

Your choices are the rudders to new worlds of unfathomable adventure, beauty, and purpose. Each one sends ripples into your YOUniverse and alters the very fabric of it. SoulFullHeart is here to guide you along those choice points with your sovereignty fully in tact as it can never be taken from you. Make this coming year, and more importantly this coming moment, the most real of them all.

Gabriel Heartman is an emoto-spiritual men’s and women’s facilitator, energy healer, writer, poet, and heartist with the SoulFullHeart Way of Life.  Visit https://www.soulfullheartwayoflife.com for more information about space holding sessions, group calls, videos, community, etc.

Visit our patreon page to offer a money donation to support our offerings at https://www.patreon.com/soulfullheart.

The Permanence Of The Impermanent

Kalayna and I just re-homed her dog Canela that she has had for two years. This was not an easy or quick decision. New timeline shifts and increased leadership invitations highlighted a realization that this very active canine needed a new environment and attention that we just weren’t able to provide for her. That of course brought up inner judgments around what is responsible as there can be so much collective charge around this issue. That of course has its truth and its projection.

Ultimately it came down to an understanding that we are not always meant to continue relationships with anything or anyone. Canela served us as we served her. It was a mutually needed and agreed connection. She provided so much joy and triggering process both, all in the service of Love. Then there comes a time when you can see the writing on the wall about the future, but parts of us can continue to disregard it due to any various reasons for the attachment.

A relationship of any kind, be it human or animal, is loaded with projected needs that are almost always inside of us. It is feeling into those needs that provide a clearer emotional reality. To continue a relationship based on an inner wounding does nothing to serve you or the other half of the relationship. Canela needed to serve love and receive more attention. Did we care and love her? Yes, absolutely. So much so that it was time to let her go. She is now loving up an extraordinary 6 year old angel boy and big-hearted family.

As with our human relationships, those that we continue to exchange with, yet do not resonate on the same emotional and spiritual bandwidth, are only serving something smaller in both. We are choosing to shape-shift into a lowered frequency which only serves as a signal to the other that we don’t feel they can change either, or parts of us don’t want them too. This is hard to accept on so many levels. It is the Jagged Little Pill.

Nothing is meant to be permanent in our relationships. We invest in them with full body, heart, and soul and divest ourselves from any outcome of duration. Our 3D condtioning has parts of us feeling locked in through many different energies such as guilt, shame, judgement, and fear. These are all necessary parts of our walking out and are held with much compassion.

When we are willing to bring our authentic truth with an open and vulnerable heart, to ourselves and those we are in relationship with, can we begin a new timeline for both. Sometimes that results in deepening, other times it is a temporary completion. This is done in a very negotiated and compassionate way with your parts. The fear of the fallout is what scares us the most.

As ascension energies continue to raise the frequency, so shall our relationship to ourselves and other begin to shift and change. This is a necessary and integral part of what we are here to experience and heal. Canela is raised up to a higher timeline now. She represents so much of what has been needed to be felt inside as we continue our own personal journeys. A reflection of our goodness and our woundings both. For that alone she was a blessing in brown fur.

All of us in SoulFullHeart continue to let in the new and that we too will not be together forever. As we continue our explorations and serving of love we will always be connected by heart as long as we continue to grow and change. As we recognize and revere the permanence of our impermanence.

Join us this Saturday for our next SoulFullHeart group call with Raphael and Jelelle Awen at 11:11am CST. We do ask for a minimum $11USD love donation to receive the Zoom link. We will be discussion current and upcoming energy updates as well as how SoulFullHeart the process opens new doorways into embodying your highest timeline and Higher Self.

Gabriel Heartman is an emoto-spiritual men’s and women’s facilitator, energy healer, writer, poet, and heartist with the SoulFullHeart Way of Life.  Visit https://www.soulfullheartwayoflife.com for more information about space holding sessions, group calls, videos, community, etc.

Visit our patreon page to offer a money donation to support our offerings at https://www.patreon.com/soulfullheart

The Healing Of The Family Shaman


Even though this particular Thanksgiving doesn’t have the same meaning for me as it once did, I find myself dialing back to my former self and consciousness. It is an tender exercise that helps me to feel the part of me that was so invested in the social particulars of this day. To even be feeling it again means there is something that is wanting to be felt.

The term “family shaman” came to me once when speaking to someone that was in the SoulFullHeart Process. It was the dynamic created when one member of a family was awakening and a healer, even if unconsciously, and wanted to assist in transmuting energies and offering light to raise awareness and frequency.

I recall taking on this role with my family especially during large gatherings such as today. When you have come into this life as a healer and a way-shower, it can be hard to be in social circumstances without feeling the energies and wanting them to find health. If those that are around us are not in the space to take in the healing, then you, the one who is trying to heal, are often left with parts of you in frustration and rejection, even if they are not felt consciously.

There can be feeling of purpose and duty as the family shaman. I felt it was something that I was called to do to help heal the collective family unit. However, I soon realized that unless others are actively engaging in their own healing, any efforts may fall at the door of their protector and inner defenses. The need to transmute others may be a reflection of something that is needed to be transmuted inside ourselves. And that is when I began to feel myself more and go outward less.

Though we are born healers it doesn’t mean we don’t need our own healing. In fact we need more healing. More inner work. More self-love to be ready for all that is being asked of us to serve in a greater context that is beyond our intimate familial and social circles. These are our training and awaken grounds but not our ultimate theater.

Drawing our boundaries and making more self-loving choices will assist in our own personal ascension and thus paving the way for others to join us should they be personally called. No one needs saving. They need our courage to be an example of what true health and self-compassion are all about. They need our inner light to shine from within and be invited to into their own journey of discovery. This is turning the shaman inwards and upwards where it was always meant to be.

Many blessings and gratitude to all that are serving love each and every day, especially from you to you.


Kalayna Colibri and I will be talking about our own personal experiences with the SoulFullHeart Process and how it can help serve your healing, growth, and deepening service with Love. We will be hosting a Livestream event this Saturday at 11:11am CST on Facebook and YouTube. More info here: https://www.facebook.com/events/1508742299214244/

Gabriel Heartman is an emoto-spiritual men’s and women’s facilitator, energy healer, writer, poet, and heartist with the SoulFullHeart Way of Life.  Visit https://www.soulfullheartwayoflife.com for more information about space holding sessions, group calls, videos, community, etc.

Visit our patreon page to offer a money donation to support our offerings at https://www.patreon.com/soulfullheart.

The Powerful Mirrors Of Holiday Gatherings

By Kalayna Colibri
inward home
What you choose to show-up for, will always be a mirror for you… whether this is your personal healing process, your soul purpose work as you have felt it to be, a 3D job or career, or a relationship of any kind.
Tomorrow is American Thanksgiving… If we feel America as being a place of deep 3D conditioning yet also powerful opportunities for awakening, we can see how the two actually go hand-in-hand and how holidays like this one that takes place tomorrow are actually another opportunity for growth and healing, even though they may be rooted in 3D consciousness.
Choosing to be a part of any event with family or friends is a chance to look into a mirror, if you choose to do so. These relationships may be ones you have had all your life, or only for a short time so far. It is an opportunity to feel your awakenings and how they apply to your life as it is right now. It is a chance to play out these relationships and even your relationship to food too, to see what parts of you may be attached to certain conditions or aspects of these relationships. It is a chance to feel yourself in a different way, as all gatherings of any kind are.
Choosing to forgo this or any ‘holiday’ altogether can also be a mirror for you. Maybe you have been having many awakenings that have led you away from relationships, into a reboot and ‘lone wolf’ phase. If this is the case, feeling your loneliness and ache for relationships with those who would understand you and feel you and you, them. This feels so valuable, especially if you feel you are here to serve love… and is a powerful way to serve love to yourself, as you feel the parts of you and your sweet heart too.
Aches, desires and wishes are all major themes when it comes to holidays of any kind… feeling yours with parts of you is a way to boost your ascension and awakening journey, as you awaken inward more and more and begin to let more love in while doing so. Eventually, the need for ‘holidays’ as we have felt and held them becomes obsolete, as every arising moment with those you can be in deep soul and heart connection with,
including yourself first and foremost, is something that can last ALL year ’round. ❤

THIS Saturday, join Gabriel Heartman and I LIVE on Facebook and Youtube at 11:11am CST (Mexico City). Raphael and Jelelle Awen will be there too, hanging out ‘backstage’, fielding and answering your questions and bringing some to us too if there is something you would like to know! Go here: https://www.facebook.com/events/1508742299214244/ for more info ❤


Kalayna Colibri is a SoulFullHeart facilitator for women around (and under) the age of 30, energy healer, indigo-crystal bridge, soul scribe, and poetess.  Visit https://www.soulfullheartwayoflife.com for more information about space holding sessions, group calls, videos, community, etc. Visit our Patreon page to offer a money donation to support our offerings at https://www.patreon.com/soulfullheart.

The INvitation Of The Holiday Season


Today is an unofficial beginning to the holiday season, at least in the US. I used to have such deep reactions from parts of me around this time. On one end there was an excitement of “time off” of work (makes it sound like a prison sentence), the joy of sleeping in (because time was such a precious commodity), and the interest in eating and drinking (which was a way to cope with the other parts of me that felt otherwise). Then of course was the stress, the irritations, and the authentic lack of joy from a part of me to the whole deal.

I could feel the inner child in me ready for connection with others even though the connections were not all that fun on many levels. There was this feeling of magic that was like a word at the tip of your tongue but just couldn’t seem to get out. It was just a bit out of reach though he could feel it. The holiday season highlights so much of our disconnection and desire for authentic communion.

It is a reflection of another part’s need to fit into a compartment that we are just outgrowing. It isn’t so much about abandoning the celebrations, but how can we reframe them to resonate with who we truly are in our hearts and souls. This can rub up against all the conditioning a part of us holds around the holidays, especially in regards to our social circle. It is our 3D self coming into proximity to our 5D nature that creates a 4D rumble. Nothing more triggering for this than this time of year.

Ultimately, the spirit of the holiday season resides inside of us. It is not relegated to a time bubble. This is a great time to take stock of what is truly authentic inside of you. In the beginning of my process I was invited to just notice myself during this time. What were my feelings of myself and others? Was I really where I wanted to be? Was I being the way I wanted to be? So many bubbling polarities came up to the surface. That is when I began to feel these “parts” inside me and how different they could feel.

Your “social self” may be out in full bloom starting today. Self-love and self-curiosity are two important energies to guide you through this most 3D time of year while feeling your deepest desires and sacred purpose. This is a very catalyzing time with all the ascension energies to boot! As you feel yourself during these times and start to feel the rumble inside to let go of what isn’t truly you anymore, please contact us. We have made our way through our own social crucibles and would love to serve your arising and rumbling sacred self.


Kalayna Colibri and I will be talking about our experiences with SoulFullHeart and what it has meant to us both individually and as a couple in our Live stream event coming this Saturday at 11am CST. More info here:https://www.facebook.com/events/1508742299214244/


Gabriel Heartman is an emoto-spiritual men’s and women’s facilitator, energy healer, writer, poet, and heartist with the SoulFullHeart Way of Life.  Visit https://www.soulfullheartwayoflife.com for more information about space holding sessions, group calls, videos, community, etc.

Visit our patreon page to offer a money donation to support our offerings at https://www.patreon.com/soulfullheart.

The INpression Of Our Care-Givers: Feeling And Healing Our Inner Mother and Father


by Gabriel Heartman and Kalayna Colibri

In the process of getting to “Know Thyself”, one actually finds the mirror you stare into splits into multiple lenses from which to truly see what makes you tick. You are many selves within the container of a more holistic integrated being. We live in the dimension of the “separate yet whole”. The minute you left Divine Source and popped out of the womb you landed in the field of “this and that” without totally being aware of it until you had enough time to be taught and to experience the depth of this perception of reality.

You landed in the arms of caregivers that you chose as a soul, to be reflectors of the world you landed in. They were the ones, or the one, that you were meant to learn from about yourself and life, for a particular phase of time until it was time to learn on your own. They are the single greatest imprint into our psyche and heart, next to community and society at large. The way they reacted or didn’t react to you, to themselves, and to the world established an emotive and mental ground inside of you that helped to form your own version of yourself.  Whether in rebellion against or in conforming to.  The relationship with and between each parent or caregiver created a pattern inside of you in subtle and not-so-subtle ways.

Over time, this energetic relationship created a space inside of yourself that has informed many decisions in regards to so many aspects of your life.  It is an Inner Mother and Father that forms in your emotional body that carries so much data about your 3D Self and how it has found itself surviving and expressing in the world and in relationship. For women, it can express as a wounded and masculinized matriarch that is protecting the more still and sensitive Yin nature of her essence in order to survive in a still rather patriarchal world. For men, it is the expression of the controlling and aggressive patriarch or the suppression of the more vulnerable and tender parts of them.

Either way, it is a way to feel your own participation in playing out the wounded masculine picture of the world as it still largely is and has been. There is an entire lineage and legacy you carry within you, that doesn’t only begin with your birth family, as of course culture and country have influence too. Your parents learned from their parents and found their way however parts of them felt it was best for them and their own consciousness level. Choosing to feel yourself and how this lives within you by your own choice of whether or not to go into it and heal it, puts you in the seat of immense inner power to move beyond it and influence future generations to do the same.

This Inner Mother and Father can hold influence over many other aspects of your 3D Self, such as your Inner Teenager and Inner Child. They are our own versions of how we took in our caregivers. Beginning a relationship with them internally can lead to a vast new experience of ourselves that we never really knew we had, as we have been unconscious of it to the degree we needed to be in order to keep that relationship intact. If there is no external relationship to your parents, the internal still exists until it is felt as a separate part of you that can foster healing, integrating, and an unanchoring of the 3D Self into higher frequencies.  If there is still a external relationship, there may be a necessary phase of separation from them so that you can fully feel what it is that lies inside that is authentically you and what is the internal manifestation of them. Some parts of you may feel as if you are ‘abandoning’ your family/parents and that this is wrong and contemptible. Yet there is no absolute here or even a vow of ‘forever’ being out of contact with them. The space you take simply allows the truths of the relationship to arise and gives you what you need in order to feel yourself and your parts in who you have been and who you want to become.

Getting to know and feel your Inner Mother and Father will lead you to your own connection to your sovereignty of being that is no longer connected to those who ushered you into this 3D life. It will help to let go of the binds and grinds that have kept your 3D Self in the swirl of this deeply impressionable and sacred relationship. As you become a parent to your inner parents you gain a whole new perspective that integrates all the power and gifts they gave you and leave the rest behind on your growing journey into the lands of your healing heart and ascending soul. Plus, in the name of the exponential service of love, you get to become the new template, piece by piece and part by part, for how the new dance of the masculine and feminine gets to arise in this purging, healing, and shifting world.


Kalayna Colibri and Gabriel Heartman will each write more specifically about the Inner Mother and Father as it relates to the specific genders and how it has informed and affected their personal healing process and relationships. 

Gabriel Heartman is an emoto-spiritual men’s and women’s facilitator, energy healer, writer, poet, and heartist with the SoulFullHeart Way of Life.  

Kalayna Colibri is a SoulFullHeart facilitator for women around (and under) the age of 30, energy healer, indigo-crystal bridge, soul scribe, and poetess.  

Visit https://www.soulfullheartwayoflife.com for more information about space holding sessions, group calls, videos, community, etc. Visit our Patreon page to offer a money donation to support our offerings at https://www.patreon.com/soulfullheart.


Leaving The Family Dinner Table To Experience The Nourishment Of Love

By Jelelle Awen


The family dinner table….you adjust to the awkwardness, the things left unsaid. You learn to hide the REAL feelings that come up as you pass the ‘this’ and the ‘that’. You ignore the tensions that ride and glide under every unspoken truth. You hope to remain unseen and safe in an effort to just ‘get through.’

So much you cannot share here…..as there is no room! You put it back in the closet then, far away, as it has no ‘place’. Your truth, your essence cannot be worn or shown. The food has more room then you do as it serves to distract from the disconnect that seems to season everything with flatness.

No wonder parts of you struggle to digest and to eat! No wonder you never really feel full! No wonder you are left wanting SO MUCH more than what you received! No wonder parts of doubt if you will EVER really get what you most want and really need!

So many meals left with rumbling heart still aching for the food of LOVE. So many meals sat with unexpressed fears and unshed tears. So many meals started with hopes and desires only to be left disappointed. So many meals with unacknowledged elephants sitting in the chairs.

Conforming and ‘fitting in’, putting on the mask and learn to wear it well…..avoiding anything ‘deep’ or ‘too heavy’, helping to steer the conversation away from the real or the true or the difficult to say out loud. Parts of you become experts at this dance and this ‘game’ because they HAVE HAD to be. This is survival of the ‘fittest’, those who can perform in this play acting out, those who can BE on this stage….. have the best chance of ‘making it’ and ‘succeeding.’

Yet, oh how WEARY of this are the parts of you that have shrunk to this place for so long! The masks are slipping off, half gone, one side unstrung and hanging loose. Your soul bright light is starting to SHINE through. Your truth is starting to BURST forward. You don’t want to be passed around so lightly any more You don’t want to be passed over. To be disregarded or seen without curiousity is becoming no longer interesting to you.

You are pushing away from this family dinner table. You are reaching your hand out to help parts of you leave it too that are ‘stuck’ there, even if it has been many years ago. You are opening your heart to hold the fears and tensions and anxieties that come up from leaving the ‘safety’ of this game. You are letting go of reacting to what other’s judge or think or feel about you.

You are open, now, to finding the table of your soul tribe. To taking in the meals of nourishing love in every bite, every exchange, every moment of BEing in the real. All is spoken out, revealed, and shared as THAT is what is most nourishing and, ultimately, most natural. Curiosity and reverence are passed around as the currency that spends between this family. All parts of you come forward to be seen, to be felt, and to be acknowledged.

THIS is the new earth experience of ‘family dinner’, of the gathering together where we offer new energy to a common ritual. THIS is the transition from the old and what so many of us have known and INTO the NEW, where realness is the spice and love flavors every bite.


Jelelle Awen is an Emoto-Spiritual Teacher, Soul Scribe, waySHOWer, and co-creator and teacher of the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life. She is author of Sacred Human, Arising Wonder: Ascension Through Integration Of Your Emotional Body With Your Spirituality and  Keep Waking Up! Awakening Journeys To Avalon And Beyond Visit soulfullheartwayoflife.com for more information about space holding sessions with SoulFullHeart Facilitators, group calls, videos, community, etc. Visit our patreon page to offer a money donation to support our offerings at https://www.patreon.com/soulfullheart.

Emotional Ascension: Saying Goodbye To Say Hello


For those that are awakening to their own soul yearnings, it can be a somewhat bitter sweet experience.  The sweet part is feeling how life is so much grander and limitless than the one you had been previously subscribing to.  Or a least a part of you was.  This part of you, your 3D self, was made necessary to interface in this density to survive and yet also grow.   Different souls have been awake or awakening a long time, while others are just now being popped into it by some special circumstance that may be still a mystery.  Either way you are here and life in 3D, and maybe even 4D, just isn’t jiving with  what you know INside to be what you want or were meant to be.

You can be involved in so many things that are meant to help open up more in your soul domain.  Yoga, meditation, retreats, reading, etc.  And they most certainly do! I know I would not have the context and tools necessary to continue my soul growth if it wasn’t for them.  But as you continue to enlighten your soul, there is also the reality of the Heart. You can only fly so far when you are tethered to an emotional pain.  As much as a part of you would love to transcend or simply release the internal struggle, the truth is it just won’t until we face it with a willingness to feel it.

This can show up mostly in our relationships, or lack thereof.  Relationship to mates, family, friends, work, community, geography, and even ourselves.  The list of our emotional connections is wide and vast.  When you desire to really go ¨all-in¨ to your spiritual ascension you will inevitably be confronted with the reality of these relationships.  If you are to really thrive and be in joy, as your soul really wants for itself and you, it becomes harder to be in the energy that once kept you down.  Kept you small.  Because now you are waking up to your bigness.

Since we are all energy, the energy you find ourselves among has a great effect on your ability to raise it…and for good.  Not just for a brief period of time to get over certain humps.  The hard part is that you may find yourself then realizing that some of those around you may have to be let go of if you are going to truly grow and feel alive.  This includes all possibilities…even your children at some point.  This is not talked about often as there is so much energy tied up in the binds that hold us together.  Whether it be conditioned, familial, or karmic.  The sacred cows of our emotional pasture.

The power of this bind is grounded in fear.  A fear that you will hurt someone irrevocably and the guilt felt by a part of you.  A fear that you will get a harsh reaction and a rejection.   A fear that your self-image will take a big hit.  I remember this all to well in my early process and can feel the same energies if I were to have to complete a relationship that no longer served my growth.  It is a difficult process to enter into but one that ultimately leads to the best for all involved.

IF what you really desire lies beyond what the state of what your current relationships offer, then it is the most integrous and loving thing to do to see where the ground between you and another can deepen or complete.  You get to honor all of what as been between you AND invite for something more.  Otherwise you are just keeping the same energetic tie in the same frequency that no longer brings you the joy you are wanting.  I say this with the knowing that it is not easy to come to these realizations, as I have had to do the same.  I advocate for feeling this as I know what lies on the other side of this most challenging of crucibles for the part of you that is so very attached.

This is a negotiated process that is held in compassion and not just lightly felt.  It is a one-felt-step-at-a-time journey.  Getting to know the part or parts of you that have their own reasons for not wanting to bridge the emotional and spiritual gaps that are currently in your space together.  This is honored and felt.  Your large heart and soul hold the space for this walking through.  As you emerge from these exchanges a freer and more authentic version of you gets to inhabit all those soul gifts you have been accessing and watering.  You begin to take flight with a more healed heart and a new timeline that will hopefully include the ones you had to cut ties with as they too see what growth you are expressing.  In that way you have just made some quantum effects.

This was inspired by all those that have been moving through these crucibles and those that are in the midst of them.  It was also inspired for those who are feeling the struggle within and can sense change is on the horizon as you can no longer stay in the status quo any longer.  I honor all of the choices as ones that are meant for this moment as they lead us to the very next one.  SoulFullHeart is here to offer the heart space to make these epic changes a bit more sane and with as much love as you can possibly let in.


Gabriel Heartman is an emoto-spiritual teacher, men’s facilitator, energy healer, writer, poet, and heartist with the SoulFullHeart Way of Life.  Visit https://www.soulfullheartwayoflife.com for more information about space holding sessions, group calls, videos, community, etc.

Visit our patreon page to offer a money donation to support our offerings at https://www.patreon.com/soulfullheart.

Letting Go With Love: Healing Codependency Between Fathers And Daughters

By Christopher Tydeman

Throughout the SoulFullHeart healing/growth process, much is felt into around our relationship to ourselves (i.e. our parts), our birth parents, our friends, and our mates.  We have written extensively about those in this blog.  The one relationship we have not written much about is our relationship to our children.

Each combination of relationship (mother to son, father to daughter, etc.) has their own specific dynamic.  When our children arrive in this world, both past and current life agreements we subconsciously made with them begin their construction and playout.  Our experiences with our birth parents, our societal/religious conditionings, and our past life woundings, all coalesce to shape the dance between parent and child.

Through the formative years, parts of us invest a lot of energy in protecting and guiding our offspring.  They represent something to us.  Our greatest hope and our biggest fears.  We project so much onto them that the mere thought of their “failure” or lack of well-being is combated with a barrage of care-taking and/or excessive demands.  To lose them physically or emotionally feels like a fate worse than our own death to a part of us.

In this fused state, it is hard to conceive that our children have their own soul trajectory.  Their own needs and experiences they must have on their individual journey.  This becomes increasingly clear the older they get.  An emotionally healthy and awakened relationship would naturally find its completion around 18.  This doesn’t necessarily suggest we would never cross paths again someday or consciously avoid seeing each other.  It would just be the embarking of their adult journey, taking with them all the love they received in their youth.

But, we collectively are not in a healthy emotional state.  Our children are still children at 18 because we choose for them to be that way.  Our needs and inadequacies took precedent over their real growth.  They are stunted.  Sure, they may run a Fortune 500 company, but their emotional immaturity causes them to treat others unjustly, take advantage to satiate their greed, or run a company into the ground because of issues of control.  Or they may live a “normal” life with a spouse, their own children, a stable job, and a nice house.  But internally they are dissatisfied and unfulfilled.

As a young man, my father would tell me, “I don’t give a shit what you do for a living, as long as you are happy.”  My mother made it her mission to see me graduate college to fulfill something she desired in her own life and as a symbol of what was considered “successful”.  In each case, it was more about them than it was about me.

I carried this with me into the birth of my own daughter.  My fears and hopes were transferred onto her.  All a part of me felt I couldn’t be, hoped that she could.  But to be that meant her breaking away, so another part kept her small so she wouldn’t.  “Be big! No, be small!” Was the energy of my parenting.  A dichotomous push-pull.

As I progressed through my eventual healing, I had to draw boundaries with those that I had an unhealthy bond with.  This included family, friends, and later a mate.  But the one who got the “pass” was my own child.  She had her own vision for her life and that didn’t include healing toward emotional and spiritual awakening.  The others in my life who weren’t ready I said goodbye to, but a part of me could not accept that with my daughter.

Fast forward a couple of years later.  I have found myself in the belly of my care-taking.  Letting go of my need to be needed.  Feeling and seeing the impending industrial imperial implosion.  The ensuing chaos and violence, both physical and emotional.  I have entered into the Brave New World.  I can talk about it until I am blue in the face, but that won’t matter if someone is not able or willing to feel it.  It becomes a soul choice.  A personal decision.  To tug or force someone to get them to come along serves neither me nor them.  There is only one choice…let go.

To say goodbye to my daughter is by far the most difficult thing I have had to do.  It was a choice not made overnight.  It has been, as with all other difficult moments, a process.  Gut-wrenching and tear laden.  To continue a relationship with someone whose path is divergent to mine is not self-loving.  It is also enabling that person to stay in denial and smallness.  I love my daughter too much for her to be in either.  But more importantly, I love myself too much to continue to be seen as less than what I am, even if it is my own child.

As I walked away from her, tears in my eyes, pain in my heart, I could feel the Divine with me and with her.  Mother tells me,

“You make choices based in Love, you enter Love’s eternal grace.  Your kingly act of courage is the greatest gift to your daughter, to yourself, and the world at large.  There is no goodbye, for those souls meant to be together will remain so in heart.”

In that moment, I felt trust.  A trust that she will find her way in her own time, with her own choices.  A part of me is letting go of protecting her and trying to “save” her.  I will always have the desire for her to be a part of our SoulFullHeart community.  She has VIP status.  BUT, it is with her sovereign choice and my needs being met, that that can happen.  Until then I will hold her close to my heart as I prepare for the next phase of my soul’s journey.

 Christopher Tydeman is an apprentice SoulFullHeart Teacher. Visit soulfullheart.wix.com/sanctuary for more information about staying at SoulFullHeart Sanctuary and virtual sessions.

Letting Go With Love: Healing Codependency In Our Relationships

letting-go-of-a-relationshipFamily, friends, and lovers. These are our most intimate connections. Some of us have a multitude of them. Some of us, just a few. What really matters is the quality and kind of connection we have with them. In my “past” life, I had my family, both nuclear and extended, several friends, and a few lovers (not at once, mind you). As I went through my SoulFullHeart process, I began to feel the real inadequacies and co-dependencies within these relationships. Both for myself and for them as well. Confronting these emotional realities consciously, I began to realize that I could not continue holding on to a false relationship. A false relationship to me is one where the transaction is between two false selves feeding off each other for their own emotional survival.

Cords needed to be “severed” in the name of love for myself and for them. I put severed in quotes because the word has a connotation of forever. I do not desire to be apart forever. Just until we both can truly see and feel each other on a ground that is level enough to transact a deeper and non-codependent connection. One that is based on willing to feel ourselves as an assortment of wounded subconscious parts and a desire to feel our separation from and ache for the Divine.

This connection may or may not ever happen in my previous relationships. I pray that it does. But if it does not, I do not hold myself or them in contempt. It is not about being stubborn or defensive as it is about holding a value system that is just plain different. We may just be cut from a different cloth and there is no love lost in that. I say that because that is what I really wanted to get at. “Loss of love” is not possible in my experience of it. Love exists always and cannot be destroyed or lost. I have boundaries and conditions, yes. But I also have love. A love that is far greater and real than the “love” our false selves have chosen to agree to in our day-to-day lives. This love is not nicey nice. It is not just light and airy. It is real. It is sticky. It is honest and it is painful. It is humbling and forgiving. It is ecstasy and celebration. It is what we want it to be and it is what we don’t.

I have love for those who have been in my life and I always will. I do because they are a mirror unto myself, and I a mirror unto them. Each one of them has enriched my life for the better. Each one taught me more about myself than I could have alone. I experienced my parts in relationship to them. True, they were formed because of my experience with some of them, but they are also healed because of my experiences with them as well. They were not in my life if they did not have something to offer me, and I them. We drew each other for a purpose, whether for the short term or the long.

Recently, I said good-bye, at least for the short term, to a mate with whom I had become co-dependent. Whenever I write or hear the word ‘codependent’, a part of me feels like it cheapens the experience we had together. It unequivocally does not. It gave us both a vantage point from which to see and feel ourselves more consciously than we would have otherwise. A part of me was dependent on feeling wanted and desired. Dependent on being looked up to and adored. Dependent on being depended upon. It is hard for this part to admit that, let alone let go of.

The subtleties of co-dependence can be very difficult for us to be conscious of. It takes others outside ourselves, such as an SFH facilitator, to be a witness to them and then provide an objective mirror of us to see it. It can be dismissed at first, many times with fierce anger, like a lion protecting her cubs. But over time you see it, then you feel it. It can’t be ignored if you truly want to heal and grow.

After saying good-bye, I could feel a part of me needing to know how she was, what she was feeling, what she was doing. I held that part by feeling his feelings and journaling with him. I helped him to surrender into trust and faith in the Divine Mother. “You mustn’t worry about her, my love,” the Mother tells me. “She is held by me. You can let go. She will not fall.” This part of me struggled, but it lessened each day.

What happens next is unknown. I still feel my former mate and the others in my heart. I pray that they experience what they need to for more growth and arising bigness. I hold the possibility that we will see each other again through different lenses that reflect our truer, bigger selves.

As for me, I continue to lean into the Divine. A new frontier awaits: one that holds an expanding SoulFullHeart Way Of Life Society. One where I, too, have experiences that support my growth and bigness as a leader, a teacher, a healer, a friend, and a lover.

Visit www.soulfullheart.com for more information about the SoulFullHeart Way of Life and to find out about our new life assessment session offered over in person or over the phone.