By Chris Tydeman
*This was written after a SoulFullHeart weekend group healing and energy session in Vancouver, BC. It is a reflection and vulnerable description of my personal experience.
As I write this, I am sitting in my living room. I have renamed it The Lonely Room. This name was brought to me by Jillian as a place where men go to digest, process, and reconnect. It feels fitting in this moment and all others that have preceded it and have yet to pass. To a part of you, it may sound depressing. It certainly does to a part of me. However, the reality is that this is the only place I can be right now to let in all that has been offered to me. It has become sacred space. A space where my parts, my daemon, and my connection to God can be together without distraction.
In my recent visit to Vancouver, I felt like a pinball. At least, that is how a part of me felt. But that is how it is sometimes. We get put into play by our intention and desire. We hit a rubber wall of resistance. Other times we go through false walls and move right through. We land in special places where lights sparkle and bells whistle with excitement, only to pop right out again to find more resistance, doors, and joyful resonance. The flippers keep us in play to receive more lessons, more opportunity. But eventually the ball comes to rest. It rests in a quiet place. To reflect, process, and download all that was felt. This is The Lonely Room.
By now, you may be thoroughly confused. Sorry about that. Let me offer you my story. As stated above, I went to Vancouver to join in a SoulFullHeart group session and energy healing. Afterwards, I would visit with my daughter. Even before getting there, I felt many emotions coming from multiple parts. I have an arrest record that has made it a challenge to enter Canada. Though I have taken the necessary steps to clear this, it has always been a 50/50 chance. This brings up loads of anxiety and shame. My young part, Christopher, is acutely afraid of authority. “The men in black are scary!” he says. The possibility of being told to turn around would be a blow to my fragile shame part, Shane. It was difficult not to fuse with these parts. I did what I could to allow the feeling to come in and reassure them I would not be arrested or turned away. Easier said than done.
After lots of meditation and prayer I entered Canada and was given an opportunity to clear my record by a sympathetic border agent. (Either that, or he just didn’t want to me to waste their time anymore.) New life was infused within me and now it was negotiating transit to make it to my Mecca. Now that I think of it, it was more of a pilgrimage than a sojourn, has I had previously thought of it. Parts of me had found their way home.
The next day in group, I worked with a part of me that held my shame and guilt. I had to admit something that was very painful to reveal. This part of me, Marcus, is not comfortable with me being explicit, but the revelation was about his lack of self-worth and self-punishment. In this moment, healing occurred, through Love and Grace. A “rubber suit” had been placed around me to protect me from letting anything in, while at the same time not letting anything out. Not a healthy combination.
Through this “feelization”, I was shown that my own daughter had inherited this suit. This of course brought me more guilt and shame only to be held in love by Jillian and Wayne and was moved to remorse. Not nearly as energetic and debilitating. With remorse, there is awareness yet compassion. To help my own child see this, I had to first remove mine. This would be done during the energy session and it turned out to be a cocoon instead of a suit. I was changed as a result. A different me than the one that walked through the door.
That night I brought my new awareness to my daughter. I could feel how much pain was residing in her young part over this. We both reflect each other in our goodness, but also in our disconnectedness. She was moved by my words and vulnerability in the moment, but could not let it all the way in, for her own reasons. Reasons that I am all too familiar with. I know that it will take time. She has been offered this work as a way to help be more authentic in the world and to let in true love. I was challenged as to how much of her resistance I was willing to accept. To be honest, I really don’t know. For now, all I can do is continue to bring my truth to her and see where it lands. It has taken me some time to get here, and I am not able to let go yet. This challenge, however, rattled my cage to the core, and has also led me to my relationship to my family and friends.
While I have created space from my family, I have not brought my process to them. There are still too many energetics at play to be able to talk frankly about it. I can write, but that is as far as I can go for now. Though I know the time will come when I am ready. This would be to truly love myself and them. My friends, however, are more immediate. I do not hold the level of energy I do with my family. I was challenged again to feel what space I am holding for them while at the same time not being felt in my expression. This is where struggle comes in.
As I go through this work, I become less and less connected to the “old” me. That “old” me has built relationships around things that I no longer hold dear. If this “new” me is as important to me as I say it is, how can I relate to my friends in an “old” way? The answer is I can’t, but I still can’t say I won’t. At some point, “I won’t”, will happen just as it did with my family. I may need to go through one last cycle of expressing my authentic self. This is where the “rubber meets the road”. Cliché yet true. The lack of connection may be loud and clear. From there, I will have two options: Be old or be new. A part of me already knows the answer; the other will need to experience it. This is my process.
At the end of this process will be surrender. Surrendering to what my daemon, Emmerich, knows to be true. Surrendering to the faith he has in God. Surrendering to the fear of letting my old friend, Marcus, go. He will always be with me, just with a different name and a different role. This will not happen overnight but rather over time, as the universe sees fit.
Though the road is sometimes bumpy and rough, I could not imagine being on any other one. I am being real for the first time in my life. I am taking responsibility for the life that has been gifted to me by the Divine. By saying yes to this work I am saying yes to me and to love. It is not forced upon me. It is offered to me by the Mother and the love of Jillian and Wayne. I am choosing this path because it is the one that feels the most authentic. Thank you for reading this. I always write for me initially, but somewhere I hope that someone may get something that comes out of The Lonely Room.