W:  Hello Divine Father.

DF: Hey Wayne…

W: I just did a bunch of painting today, the first time in 9 months. I should let the readers know that I retired last year from 30 plus years of self employment as a painting contractor, and today was painting for another couple here at the ranch. I’d like to digest some feelings that came up for me around that, as well as dig some deeper to feel some things that I suspect are off my radar that are wanting to come up to be felt.

DF: Sounds good, let’s go there, Wayne. What did you feel so far?

W: Well, as I got painting, I felt the old familiar mind space start to settle in around estimating how long it would take to complete tasks, then trying to strategize things. I felt a part of me dig in, and try to focus and crank it out. Now, today was all way more relaxed from where I used to be in this, but it was enough of an energetic feeling reminder to put me right back to the feeling space of where I lived and breathed for so long. Productivity was definitely a drug for a part of me, so much so, that I really just was this part of me, most of the time, in the work domain of my life. Then there was all of just the right tools for the task, with tons of options. Today, I used borrowed everything, and it was a stark contrast to how things would have looked and felt a few years ago.

DF: So what feelings came up for you so far?

W: So far, I have this feeling of ‘who was I?’ during this evolving era of my life. The feeling behind the question is one something of a mourning for lost opportunity. What wasn’t in my consciousness and heart that could have been during this time? I felt locked into so much linearity around logistics; the drive to get ahead always dictating; money demands always rising to match or exceed the increased income.

DF: Wayne, I think you need to start with feeling that every bit of that ground and all that it entailed, so many settings and experiences and relationships that were all intertwined, all of it was and is sacred. That’s really important to feel. Feeling the difference in your consciousness today and comparing it to the past does not mean that the past was any less sacred or the present any more sacred. And the future won’t be any more sacred either, with whatever growths you attain to.

W: Wow, when I feel that, that I can’t get to anything more sacred, and never could actually, then in some way, I’ve arrived already to the destination of my life pilgrimage you could say.

DF: Yes, you are as loved, and held, and valued as you will ever be, as you are now. Nothing you do, or feel for that matter, can increase or decrease that. You actually arrived before you began.

W: Which of course begs the question, ‘What’s the point of the journey then?’

DF: Can you feel into the answer to that?

W: When I feel it Father, it feels to me like the point of the journey is to come deeper and deeper into the knowing and feeling this self love, this divine love, to let it in, to let it color my waking and sleeping experience, to let it flow through me relationally with my parts and with others. As I say that, I feel how this is really Tristan, the part of me who held my contractor reality, who is holding this inquiry today.

DF: Thank you for feeling Tristan in this Wayne. Let’s feel it from Tristan’s reality. He held and did a bunch of your life for a long time. He was the best thing you had going, when there wasn’t the you that is here now to lead. He needs to be honoured for that. And what you said Wayne, about letting in the love, that has to go into every part of your being. It’s not just some soul part of you that gets to find deeper context and meaning and fulfillment, but every part of you that needs and wants to share in it for it to be real and wholesome.

W: That jives with what you said about all of life being already sacred. I mean, if the journey is not about attaining the sacred, or connection with god, because that’s already true, then that truth flooding my entire being is the only point or goal that’s left.

DF: I wished I had a heavenly choir to echo that feeling back to you in words and song and a thousand voices. Yes, yes and yes, Wayne. Letting in this love is all that’s left.

W: It feels so rich and deep father, so good to feel this.

DF: And Wayne, you only get to feel this by being human. It is your humanity that craves love and security, and meaning and being seen as unique, and connected to all love.

W: So what then of my feeling of mourning the me who couldn’t feel this goodness that I feel now?

DF: Mourning is feeling what could have been, but wasn’t. Mourning is realizing   you had something, but didn’t know it. Mourning is what makes room for deep change and growth. There was more love to be had and you, or part of you missed out on it. Part of you suffered in it’s absence, and attached to other things like productivity, linearity, and self image in order to medicate over the missing.

W: So I hear you validating deep change and growth, inside of the reality that I can’t get anymore connected to god than I already am.

DF: Yes, and if you can fast forward to the future and know there will be more mourning of what was, and what wasn’t, in this way that we’re feeling together, because mourning always lets in deep growth and change. Sorrow and joy. Sorrow and joy.

W: I can feel myself almost full up for today.

DF: I’ll bet. Celebrate Tristan Wayne, as you feel the mourning moving him and make ready for new levels of joy and connection.

W: Thank you Father, I will.

 

Wayne Vriend is a healer and author of 90 Days With Yeshua. Visit soulfullheart.com for more information.