Fractals Of The Divine

 

fractal

By Raphael Awen

Until we show up as an Aware Self, or our Authentic Self, to feel what a part of us is feeling AS it is feeling it, we are ‘fused’ with this part of us, and there is no space for feeling to flow. Feeling is more of a transmission between 2 or more parts of us, rather than what we see as a feeling ‘state’ of a singular self.

In the same way that we are fractals of the Divine, and that all Divinity can be found in any of its parts, so are our subpersonalities or parts of us fractals of us, or fractals of our Higher Selves. The Divine is not a singular entity, but rather an ever multiplying reality in an infinite reality and infinite love picture. If you are ‘having a bad day’, the Divine is feeling you and itself ‘having a bad day’ through you. If you bring your awareness to the Divine’s feeling of you, you make this real and tears of reunion flow. Until you bring your awareness to the love flow of the river between you and the Divine, you are ‘fused’ as a single and separate self. But when you see and feel your essence as a fractal of the Divine, you allow and create flow.

A single self cannot offer the feeling dance of duality to itself. It can only long for the imprint and presence of an ‘other’ to ‘transact’ love with. None of us are in fact any ‘single’ so called ‘self’, but instead a tapestry and diversity of parts with very different needs, desires, ages, orientations and reactions to life. Simply letting this picture into your awareness causes relief and resonance to flow. The only true ‘personality disorder’ is the one that sees and feels itself as an isolated singularity when in fact, we are all many. The single self is the fused self that must go external to find ‘other’, whether in human form or Divine form, to create any flow for everything it needs.

When you begin to feel yourself as a tapestry of parts and begin to differentiate the parts that make up your ‘you stream’, you feel the part of you that is so hungry for love contrasted with the part of you that actively resists love; you feel the part of you that wants to strike out in adventure contrasted with the part of you that is afraid of leaving home. When such polarities live in you ‘unfelt’, what we call ‘you’ comes across as some controlled flat-lined muddle in the middle. However, when you begin to feel these parts of you as they are inside of you; distinct beings and aspects of your BEing; each holding different aspects of your wounding and your healing; your conditioned anchors to ascension and your soul gifts that can soar; now, you open out to movement. Movement is what you came here for in the differentiated world of duality dancing and expressing.

Raphael Awen is co-creator, teacher, and facilitator of the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life.Visit soulfullheartwayoflife.com for more information about sessions, group calls, videos, community, etc. Visit our patreon page to make a donation to support our work at https://www.patreon.com/soulfullheart.

 

I Am Many And We Are One: Divine Father Dialogues Day 26

Wayne's Mandala

 

W: Hello Divine Father.

DF: Hello Divine Son.

W: Yes, thank you. I do feel divine at times, other times not as much. It’s really cool though to be reminded that I am divinity expressing in the world, and that I can connect with you as a son.

DF: Let’s do that today.

W: Which brings me to what I’d like to talk with you about today.

DF: What’s that?

W: You mentioned yesterday about having healthy boundaries, and that made me feel how historically with people I’ve struggled between wanting to be totally direct and call a spade a spade, as they say, and being the way I learned to be in customer service, well liked and chosen for the contract and paid well, and all of that. That polarity seems to have followed me to the present day. So today, I journaled with the 2 parts of me who have held each end of that, and we all felt we wanted to get your input around healthy boundaries and see what they look like in action?

DF: I think we could have fun with that today, Wayne. Where would you start it off?

W: How about I just dive in around my quandaries and you can feel how to respond?

DF: Totally.

W: Okay. There’s the quandary about what to do with something I really dislike in a person or something they said. I’m already feeling the answer has to do with a middle way between love and truth telling, but I could use some guidance and coaching on that one for sure. Then there’s a reticence I feel to be direct when there is something I fear losing from the person. All those years of not being emotionally honest with clients let me win the contract, but took a toll on my deeper desired way of being in relationships. I had to enter a role that had some real me in it, but also had something I no longer want with people.

DF: I so get, Wayne, the feeling of wanting to shed a layer of something that once served you, felt like who you were then, but simply feels clumsy and awkward today. Let me ask you, what does it feel like you’d want most to change for you relationally?

W: It feels like, Father, what I’d really like is to find this middle ground of being where it doesn’t take much debate inside, where it simply flows in a balance of embodied truth telling and real care for the person, as well as for myself, advocating for what I want and don’t want.

DF: I think we could end the conversation right here, Wayne, because you said it all in a nutshell.

W: I did.

DF: You did.

W: But I didn’t say I found it, I said I want to find it.

DF: I’m just feeling how you’ve done your homework on this one, and you are already at the deep desire stage, which is what comes just before the new opening. Your next step is simply walking that out in the situations that life puts across your path.

W: Does that mean you don’t want to talk about it?

DF: Well, hold on, let’s see what’s in the tank to help out with….

W: Thank you.

DF: Boundaries are the line between you and the other person, you and the world, you and I for that matter. While it is true that we are all one and the lines between us are not real on one level, it is also true that we are unique and distinctly separate beings. Both are true. The analogy that feels real to me is that while the body has many distinct members or parts, if one of those members suffer, then all the members suffer. Collectively, we are one. Individually, we are also one. Did you get that?

W: Not sure I did.

DF: Not sure I did either, to tell you the truth, so I was hoping you got it. Downloading like this takes paying attention, even for me.

W: You said that collectively as well as individually, we are one. That’s interesting. What I feel in that is that it could be said in another way; collectively and individually, we are many, from which arises our oneness.

DF: And oneness doesn’t exclude individuality, but rather enhances it and backlights it. So, what you are seeking help with today is as an individual who wants to take responsibility for what he is putting in to the collective oneness. That’s oneness contributing to oneness again. Cool huh?

W: I think so, but I’m not sure I’m getting your point. Is it one of those things that I need to meditate on to let in deeper?

DF: I’m not really sure of my point either, Wayne. I told you, you already had this figured out, but you still wanted to talk, so I just figured to feel it together and see where it takes us. I suspect it will turn up something good, but I can’t guarantee it. It’s up to both of us as well as the universe.

W: I’m good with that actually, really good, in fact. Fresh home-cooked is way better than canned.

DF: Okay, hang on, something’s coming. I think we got onto why all it takes is one. I know that’s a pretty saying, but this has some traction here. If the oneness of the individual contributes to the oneness of the collective, then all it takes for that to be initiated into consciousness is for it to be embodied in one, and oneness takes it into being.

W: Are you saying that I could single handedly change the world?

DF: Yes and No. It takes the whole world to change the world, as seed and plant and soil and air and sun are needed. While that’s true, what is also true is that any change that comes into the world always begins as a single seed. So, in this, every action and choice you make are sending out waves of deep change into the collective as single seeds being introduced into consciousness. You changing you, changes the collective and is an essence of the oneness you all are together.

W: So none of us are out changing one soul at a time here?

DF: The only soul that can be changed one soul at a time is yours, you to you. And if you change, all change.

W: I can’t help but feel an energy that counters the energy you are feeling though, Father. I mean, the more I have changed, the more undesirable humanity, at times, has felt to me. It felt like I left them behind, rather than changed them.

DF: But the humanity you embody means that you changed humanity’s way of being by embodying it in seed form, that was planted by your being, in real time, in real human relationships and circumstance. I think, Wayne, what the universe is offering, as we wade into feeling this domain together about healthy boundaries is that you and everyone of your kind is actually so much bigger than you have until now conceived, but is now unstoppably dawning on your horizon. You are simply an early adopter of what humanity itself is desiring. You didn’t come up with this quandary of how to be more authentic and agile in relationships. The universe came up with it and you volunteered. The entire human race and universe holds the desire.

W: So that makes me a vessel, as we used to say in Christianity.

DF: … a true vessel of honor, for sure. Divinity, no less.

W: Okay, Christianity would choke on that part.

DF: It takes all of humanity choking on this part to finally come to it.

W: So there’s a time factor though that we need to get some patience around?

DF: Not for you, Wayne. You get to have it now. I mean, does that feel real?

W: I get to be a first partaker like you said yesterday, and that is having it now, because I’m holding it for all, not just for me. When the all comes to living it out in conscious reality is not when my fulfillment kicks in. It kicks in now. And my future now won’t be any better as my present now.

DF: I’m surprised by where this went today, Wayne. I figured we were going to talk about healthy boundaries in some other way, but somehow, this piece was needed first and all I can say is stay tuned, and to be continued. My down loader needs a break.

W: I will stay tuned. Thank you for this ride. I’ll be looking forward to where we go. This one doesn’t feel complete.

DF: Time for a siesta.

W: Si, Senor.

Wayne Vriend is a co-founder of Soulfullheart Community, healer and author of 90 Days With Yeshua. Visit soulfullheart.com for more information.

Every Relationship Is a Cultivated Cult With A Culture: Divine Father Dialogues Day 22

Wayne's Mandala

W: Good Morning Divine Father.

DF: Good Morning Wayne.

W: That was so good yesterday, it’s still moving through me. I had curiosity coming up in my dreams last night.

DF: I don’t think we finished it either.

W: No, I think we just ‘decoupled’ cuz we were full.

DF: Where to now, Wayne?

W: I was hoping you knew.

DF: I think you have a tab on what’s next, or let’s wait a moment till you do.

W: Yeah, you’re right. I think I do. A part of me, Marvin actually, was feeling this morning as we lay awake before dawn, in the birdsong that he missed connections with people from my past, to share the kind of curiosity that we spoke about yesterday. Then we felt how when people hold judgments about us, how that curiosity isn’t allowed out to play and dance between us. I mean, Marvin holds that it’s a cool thing to be curious about even if the person stayed in one place and hardly changed a thing. Like, how is that done? But, when people feel my path isn’t valid because of my beliefs or values or choices, that leaves us really no ground on which to dance, except maybe some kind of oppressive polite niceness.

DF: What do you make of that, as you call it ‘oppressive polite niceness’ when it’s energized by people towards you?

W: It feels very much like a learned behaviour, that I am all too familiar with, having become skilled in it for much of my life. And it feels very cult-like, too. It has all the markings of a cult.

DF: I know you’ve thought through the subject of cults, Wayne. I recall you and Yeshua discussing it in a really alive way. I’d like to discuss it with you some more and see where we might take it.

W: I’d like that a lot.

DF: Why don’t you start off by sharing where you’ve already come to in your not-so-mainstream picture of cults?

W: Okay. Let’s see if I can encapsulate it. Well, first off was the assertion that when any two or more of us enter a relationship, we are actually forming a cult. I know, people’s definition for the word cult doesn’t fit that, but therein lies a deep misunderstanding about relationships. What we tend to refer to as cults are the proven harmful ones, but in that projection, we are able to project onto them the harm that we are in fact responsible for inside of the many cults we have joined. Every relationship has it’s own ‘culture’, that is ‘cultivated’ which is the essential nature of worship; the need to belong and to conform to get love and to avoid rejection, same exact stuff that makes up a monster cult. In other words, none of us get to not belong to cults. Just belonging to humanity is a cult in itself. Just ask any other animal.

There’s the human cult, the family cult, the country cult, the mate-ship cult, the workplace cult, the school cult, the friends cult, the men cult, the women cult, and on and on. If we can accept this fact, then we can finally own and take responsibility for how we are treating others and how we are letting ourselves be treated. Short of that awakening, we are simply playing out other people’s uninteresting, unexamined and far too often repeated stories. Does that about cover it, Father?

DF: Just about…what I’d add to that is the piece about not only are cults the place where harm occurs, they are the only place where any good can occur. Considering that the human is a social animal, and gets their needs met only through relationship and interaction, then joining a cult is your only hope. Best though to find one you like, and examine the ones you’re in.

W: It’s like, Father, how we discussed that any and all healing comes through the agency of relationship (with self, others and the divine). It’s cool, Christopher pointed out yesterday that the root of the word curiosity is not only from the root of ‘care’, but also from the same root of ‘cure.’ Care and cure comes to us by the agency of alive relationship based in true curiosity. Those stuck in any cemented belief structure can’t embody true curiosity because they are focused on paving the world over. No relationship needed there, only surrender to empire and dictatorship.

DF: Which really gets to a defining point, Wayne. Well, let’s summarize a moment and then see where the point fits. First, we’re all in cults, several in fact. Awake to that. Take responsibility for that. Cults cause great harm for the very same reason they can cause great healing. It’s because they are people in relationship and connection.

What makes for the difference and definition between a harmful or a healthy cult is the degree of true curiosity about the world, about people, about love, about relationships. Any group bent on recruiting members is long past whatever formation they may have had in a phase of true curiosity, and is now entrenched in packaging ‘Thee Truth’ with a capital ‘T.’ There is so strikingly little actual relating going on in that cult, be it any cult of two or more, that it is a wonder it can persist into the future. There’s a curiosity right there.

W: So you’re saying that say a couple for instance, or a friendship that has lost it’s curiosity about each other is into this dead and harmful phase where they have lost any awareness of the power of relationships, for either great good or great harm, or anything in between.

DF: It’s a pretty simple test really. Curiosity in relationships is so nourishing in its’ presence and so impoverishing in its’ absence.

W: So, Father, what do we do with the cults we’re in that we unknowingly and even quite innocently signed up for, that don’t feel alive anymore?

DF: Well, first, I’d say, let go of the ‘bloom where you’re planted’ idea. You done bloomed here a long time ago and all that’s left is a husk and maybe a burial. You need to do what any sane person does on a sinking ship or in a burning building is find an exit, or a lifeboat. You may have unconsciously got in, but you need to consciously get out. That means getting you out of the cult and getting the cult out of you and doing whatever it takes to affect that. Of course, it will be costly, but remaining in the harmful cult will cost you more, and only someone suicidal, and lost in self hatred would remain upon realizing where they are.

W: What about all the painful relationship losses involved?

DF: Cult members who are embedded deeply in the cult don’t have any good will, let alone curiosity about some one whose bailing on the cult. You can’t expect them to. Only someone on the edge of leaving like you would have any resonance with your choices and choose to leave with you. Most though, when they are faced with the choice of leaving you or leaving the cult, it’s the cult that wins out almost all the time. Anything different is very rare. That’s because humans aren’t actually able to be outside of cults. Even the individual all by them self is made up of several parts, who are in a culture together, hence a cult, otherwise known as a personality.

W: This is good stuff, Father.

DF: Hey, man. This is our cult. We gotta keep it running on the good stuff.

W: I guess it is our cult, huh?

DF: Sure it is, Wayne. Every relationship is totally and completely a cult, that needs to be acknowledged, seen for what it is, and taken accountability for what it is producing and spreading in the world.

W: So, if it’s unavoidable to do life without doing cults, then we need to embrace that fact. I guess I’m repeating myself, Father. Do you know what edge I’m trying to get at just now?

DF: Hang in there, it’ll come back.

W: It’s coming back. Okay, the big bad cult I joined and gave a bunch of myself too, and who did me harm and all of that….I joined that, I stayed in that, I gave strength to that, I put money in that, I was part of the harm it did to others, I loyally spurned the others who left, just by staying, and in it all, I pulled the trigger on true curiosity. And if I did all that, then it wasn’t done to me. That means I’m not a victim. If anything, I victimized myself. Yes, there were harmful assholes in the cult who hurt me, but I let them. I approved the harm I received.

DF: Yes! Which means the pain and the harm was all about learning.

W: And the learning could only and ever be all about love.

DF: Because love is the sole and only substance in the universe. Harm only serves to define and offer a contrast to love.

W: So, when you’re ready, celebrate the cult you joined, that arguably diminished you. The only reason it could diminish you is because you are in fact so much bigger and you needed and even chose the experience, in order to come to terms with this bigness. No cults, no growth.

DF: We may not be done with this one, Wayne, may need to pick it up tomorrow.

W: Maybe we’ll never be done on this one.

DF: Good point. Cults are popping up by the second.

W: Like beans in the garden. I think it’s my turn to water.

DF: Hasta Manana?

W: Yes, hasta manana.

Wayne Vriend is a co-founder of Soulfullheart Community, healer and author of 90 Days With Yeshua. Visit soulfullheart.com for more information.

The Hearth Of The Heart: Divine Father Dialogues Day 25

Wayne's Mandala

W: Hello Father.

DF: Hello Wayne.

W: Father, I’m feeling a bit depressed actually and I’d like your help to feel what is here to feel.

DF: What is here to feel?

W: Well, I’ll tell you as much as I know. Yesterday was a bunch of different people in email, and all of them felt so disconnected to me in how they communicate with no reverence for relationship. It seems the facebook level of relating is where they’re at. That feels so depressing to me. Then there is feeling some tension about money. We started talking about budgeting the remains of our nest egg, which sounds more like that bad word of rationing. There feels like a tension in that, but also a longing to be more and more free of serving mammon, and of seeing the world through that false lens. That’s what I can feel of what’s on the surface, but underneath, I get a need that is surfacing is a desire to connect more and more with the soul aspect part of me, that I call my Daemon.

DF: Well, let’s look at all 3 of those together.

W: Thank you, I’d like that.

DF: When you chose the many times that you have to leave the collective ways of relating and the collective ways of being intimate with people, you put both a distance between you and them as well as made a pact with yourself and them that would serve them. As a soul, you knew you could not serve them in their journey to a deeper place without going there yourself, but in going there, you had to let go of the conscious relationship with them, knowing that remaining in bonds that were not alive would prevent you from going to the deeper place yourself. By exiting a dead relationship out of a desire for more, you actually entered a soul intimacy with the soul of that person. This often leaves you with a feeling of your needs going unmet, especially when people who seem to like something about you can’t communicate with any grounded desire or feelings. Is this going in for you, Wayne?

W: Yes, it’s going into my heart. I need to hear this from you today and whatever more you have to say about it.

DF: Okay, thanks for the welcome and the desire. So, I’d like for you to feel the sacred pact you have with every person you relate with. In choosing to live into your most authentic self, and following where that takes you, especially in regards to who is and who is no longer in your life, you set up a hearth in your heart for that soul. If they want to and when they are ready, and when it feels safe enough, they will let you serve them. On your part, it is a willingness to have nothing with them if you can’t have everything with them. However, it really isn’t ending up with nothing, even if there isn’t a reconnection with the person.

W: I feel my heart expanding as you’re talking, and the depression lifting. I feel you energizing a hearth in your heart towards me. Can you say more about how it isn’t having nothing?

DF: Sure, let’s feel all we can about that. First, what comes is that remaining in a dead bond with anyone is co-signing and medicating each others’ mutual stuckness in life. It is using another in the most profound sense, that isn’t actually lessened by the mutuality of it. It is a willingness both to harm and to be harmed. On a soul level, there is no greater offense to love. However, becoming conscious of this dynamic in relationship and choosing to end it, is giving a great gift to yourself and the other. On a soul level, you received the opportunity to give your deepest gifts to an other, and in turn to all others. What it cost you to make that choice and to live in the vacancy of that choice is what makes the gift so incredibly valuable. The value of this gift you are the rightful first partaker of, because you can only give what you have received and what is yours to give. On a soul level, Wayne, this is learning what you came here to learn and fulfillment on a level that cannot be higher.

W: Father, I’m agreeing with what you are saying and I feel it touching me deeply, but I need to ask why then do I come up against a depressed energy in myself?

DF: In your choice of words, Wayne, I feel an expectation that there shouldn’t be any coming up against something. The present state of relationships is profoundly depressing. To be around it in other people and to receive their words and communications, especially in email, is an off gassing on their part trying to find some relief from the pain they live in, but seek to sidestep. On a soul level, that is a big fuck you to your soul. Their soul knows what your soul has chosen and has marked you as both unsafe and a target in many cases. This facebook level of communication may seem so innocuous and disconnected, but it is in fact has a whole lot more going on that meets the eye. If your awareness of this dims, it will manifest as a backpressure of depression. Some of the depression is a result of the disowned depression in others you are communicating with, and some is feeling the depression of seeing your life from the extremely limiting mundane lens where your being looks insignificant and meaningless. This depression however is a clarion call to come back to feel this on a soul level.

W: My goodness, you answer a question with such a world expanding reply, that I’m not quite sure where to go next. I think what sticks out for me though is the ‘fuck you to my soul’ thing you mentioned. Why would I want to be in a love pact like you said earlier with people kicking and kicking hard at me?

DF: I knew you’d ask for more on that. I’m glad you did actually, because it gets to the heart of something, and in that heart is a hearth that touches and nourishes deeply, it enables you to keep going with joy. The soul essence of the human being is where the deepest love and the deepest hurts are to be had. Serving souls in a love pact is what effectively neutralizes all harm that a soul is putting out. You’re only showing up for the good part, and the harm part falls back on them, calling to them to find their courage to heal, and to choose. You just need to know what comes with the territory and keep your healthy boundaries. Your yes and no are what keeps the good in and bad out.

W: I like that.

DF: I thought you would. And it feels like we covered all 3 things you started out with?

W: We did.

DF: …and how so for you?

W: Well, we opened up wide a deep soul perspective on real relationships. That in turn addresses the money anxiety in that my needs are met by giving the deepest gifts I have in the world, rather than trying to pawn myself off as a house painter, which is what it would amount to going forward for me now. Earning money in the old way I did for so many years actually isn’t very secure at all as it isn’t connected to my deepest and present gifts. And the third thing I was asking for help on was a deeper connection with my daemon, and I so felt you watering him and I feel him taking in deeply all of your words and what feels like a deep desire on his part to live into these soul realities as my daily conscious realities from which my feeling states and awareness arise.

DF: Anything else I can help you with?

W: Not till tomorrow I’m afraid, you nailed it.

DF: Great, and would you be willing to stay on the line for a short survey about the service today?

W: Haha…

DF: Isn’t it fun only having yourself to report to?

W: …as well as the whole world to report to?

DF: Totally. Tomorrow then?

W: Yes. Thank you, Father.

W: You are so welcome.

Wayne Vriend is a co-founder of Soulfullheart Community, healer and author of 90 Days With Yeshua. Visit soulfullheart.com for more information.

Vulner-ability: The Ability To Be Hurt – Divine Father Dialogues Day 24

Wayne's Mandala

DF: Hey Wayne, I can feel you aching over something. Would you like to talk?

W: Thank you, Father, yes, I would.

DF: What is it?

W: I’m feeling all that we talked about around curiosity lately, and a deep well of feeling is coming up for me.

DF: Please, tell me all about it.

W: It’s really been a lifelong feeling really, but it got pushed up around a couple email exchanges this past couple weeks. People from my past that I hadn’t spoken with in years contacted me, but in their contact didn’t ask a single question inquiring into my life. There wasn’t any curiosity about why we moved to Mexico, or how it was for Jillian and I since we, under pressure, left the group that they remained in until it disintegrated last month. There wasn’t an acknowledgment of Jillian having written a book about our experiences inside of the group. They felt they were exiting a cult like trance and one also apologized for past treatments of us at the time of our exit. The apology was meaningful, but that there doesn’t seem to be a desire for any further connection undergirding the apology, other than for a light facebook level of exchange, which to me feels like the opposite of intimacy. That feels so painful. It’s like part of them is saying ‘this is all you get of me.’ I wept and wept as I watered the garden this afternoon.

DF: Ouch, Wayne, I feel how deep this goes into your heart.

W: Thank you, Father, for feeling this ache in me. I so need to be felt in it. I know it’s related to my life path, since a teenager, always leaving early the circles I joined when I sensed that my desire for deeper community wasn’t able to be realized any further there. I accepted the growth I’d received in being in the group and the personal relationships I made inside, but acknowledged that the time had come to move on. I was surprised how crystal clear and unmistakable the guidance was for me at each of these moving on places.

DF: I feel your heart breaking, but breaking open. I’m so honored to be around a man who is willing to want and ache for more of what you know is out there.

W: I love feeling your honor, Thank you, and you’re right, I do know it is out there because I found it in my sacred friendship with Christopher and my sacred romance with Jillian. Part of what is hard to bear is to be in the deep goodness of what I have and not being felt by open hearted people outside of our connection, who can feel what I have. It’s more than just an opportunity for sharing. It’s the magic of feeling a heart open other feel me, and me getting to feel that in real time.

DF: I feel how it has been like a lifelong search for true family for you, Wayne. I feel too how you honor each setting you were engaged in rather than have any disdain for what the universe brought you. In that, there is a sacred recognition that you needed the time that you did in each setting you were invested in.

W: Yes, the investment needed to be fully in. Anything less would only have been to wallow in something, and to lack the movement that the relationship was meant to give me. When you speak to me not having disdain, that’s a tricky one, because I do have frustrations and even judgments towards people I have been close with in the past.

DF: But the difference is that in your judgment and frustration, there isn’t a superiorizing, or a withholding of love. Part of coming to terms with realness is accepting that everyone has tons of judgments going on, both negative and positive towards those they are in relationship with. It’s not the judgments that hinder a relationship, it’s the disowning of them, and pretending they aren’t there.

W: And it feels like that the only way to not be stuck in superiorizing and withholding love is be honest and transparent about the judgments. It’s impossible to not have judgments; it’s what we do with the judgments that make for a closed or an open heart.

DF: There’s an ocean of wisdom in that for anyone ready to take it in, and a lifetime of practice for the one who wants to come into more and more realness.

W: If they are ready for the immediate and relentless life changes it will bring to them.

DF: Yes, let’s don’t forget the price tag. This is about conditional love, that’s love with a cost and a price, that isn’t free. Where we started feeling today is the ache in you that you were willing to feel. That willingness both earned you something and cost you something. All of this praise for unconditional love is one big smokescreen of the emotional cripple who is demanding that his mommy keep looking after him, but he’s in his forties now and he actually needs to look after himself.

W: And what else it does is, Father, is to keep our very real judgments in all of our relating somehow off the radar, and unprocessed.

DF: In one big toxic soup of relationship called family.

W: Okay, there’s a judgment right there.

DF: And did you have a judgment about my judgment?

W: I had a bit of a reaction of imagining people choking on your choice of words, putting down family.

DF: And I have a bit of a reaction to your reaction, Wayne, because I actually have real love and respect for family that those who claim to be in defense of it actually can’t embody because of their falseness of being.

W: I agree, thank you, and it’s interesting, you defended your truth with another judgment.

DF: We are all so full of judgments that any strategy of sidestepping the judgments we have towards others and those coming at us from others is just plain infantile. There you go, another judgment.

W: We have been immune to reality in our picture of what relationship is. Relationship is something that gets its’ reality by being in reference to something from which it draws it sense of reality. Real relationships reference transparency and honesty as their guiding light. False relationships reference their sense of realness to politeness and obscurity, which kills intimacy. Then relationship itself becomes another drug to medicate the pain of what’s missing in the relationship.

DF: We’re waxing a clarity here, Wayne, and that feels important, to break through the falseness and create a safe and sacred place to begin anew.

W: I feel that, so much, Father, because as we are having this dialogue, I am still feeling the raw place in me that aches to have this something new that we are describing as missing. Do you think it’s safe for me to be putting this on-line and making it public?

DF: I do and I’ll tell you why. Your boundaries have grown to a place where you know what you will and will not settle for in relationship. That’s where the safety comes from. That’s not authority over anyone else, where you can demand anything. This is authority over your self that makes you the author of your self alone, where the entire story coming from your life, you take accountability for. Story telling is giving account after all. My sense for you is that if you weren’t willing to lead this out loud and in public, you wouldn’t be in your self-authority, you’d be living someone else’s reality.

W: When you say ‘leading this out loud,’ what do you mean by ‘this’?

DF: Embodying vulnerability. Nothing more, nothing less.

W: And how do you define vulnerability?

DF: Being vulnerable is being woundable. Only someone who can actually be hurt and feel the hurt is in an open hearted place. Only to the degree that someone has received love and healing of past hurts is the degree that they can bear the possibility of new hurt, which is being in relationship open-heartedly.

W: And how is that not being a doormat?

DF: It is only as a person hasn’t yet felt their own hurts that they are capable of hurting others, as well as being hurt. The self worth and self authorship that comes to a person healing the hurt inside causes them to no longer draw or accept hurtful behavior in relationships. They know both when to enter and when to leave a relationship. The person who is letting others hurt them repeatedly is actually trying to become vulnerable to having a feeling experience of their own hurt inside of them, that can move them towards true healing.

W: I like learning more about being open hearted, being willing to be hurt, and yet not being okay with being hurt when the other won’t take accountability.

DF: or be okay when someone won’t seek to match you in vulnerability.

W: This so gets to the criteria for a healthy relationship.

DF: And a whole lot of fun, if you’re ready for it.

W: Thank you, Father. I’m ready for some more fun.

DF: Good, then get ready for it.

Wayne Vriend is a co-founder of Soulfullheart Community, healer and author of 90 Days With Yeshua. Visit soulfullheart.com for more information.

The Cult Of Family: Dialogues With Divine Father Day 23

 

Wayne's Mandala

W: Hello again, Divine Father.

DF: Hello again, Wayne.

W: I wondered, Father, if we have more to talk about regarding cults.

DF: I’ll bet we do.

W: Okay, let’s go there then.

DF: What about the family cult, Wayne?

W: The family cult is the first cult we join and as such is so engrossing, that we are so embedded in it, within our larger cult of society.

DF: I think maybe you need to lead this on a personal note, Wayne, to make it more real for anyone reading this. Tell a bit of your story around family if you feel okay doing that.

W: Okay. I think I can do that. For a number of years now, I have had almost no interaction with any family. It was not the typical ‘we don’t see eye to eye on things’ that led us apart. It was me advocating for change within the family dynamic, while letting go of the faith I was raised in. My mother tried to keep that together by suggesting we all could get along in the midst of our differences. Which essentially meant, still being apart of family gatherings and just not talking about any of the differences. With me leaving the Christian faith, and in their judgments of me, and me being in judgment of them for being so unwilling to look beyond their borders, it left us only in clash, covered over with a polite, but toxic pleasantness.

DF: What’s been the difficult part of your choices?

W: I chose to leave the family cult, but I didn’t want to leave any one of them. I was attached to them, and largely couldn’t imagine my life without them. I raised my daughters into their late teens with the hope and desire that these would be two treasured women enriching my life into my mid life and golden years. The family connection spread through parents, grandparents, sons and daughters, aunts, uncles, cousins, nieces and nephews was and is a potent connection with many nourishing things that I to this day miss, but also with a huge toxic element that I am relieved to no longer be a part of. The difficult part of my choices has been knowing that in all likelihood, most wouldn’t be able to join me on my journey, and with me not willing to be any longer in any kind of falseness with them, that this meant parting paths. This means lovingly letting them go, and letting my bond with them go, but with an open door.

DF: Say more about the open door.

W: The door is open in that I would welcome contact from any family member if there were genuine curiosity and respect for me, including my choices and values. This is the same condition that I wish that they would hold for themselves in every relationship they have.

DF: Can you say more about what it’s like now for you to be in life without the family connection?

W: I feel a peacefulness inside of myself, as well as a love for each one of them. There isn’t the conflictual tugging on each other.

DF: So why is family rated so highly, Wayne, when admittedly most find it so hard to tolerate, and even dislike with a passion?

W: This feels like an interview, Father, I think I feel your tack here and I’m really enjoying your interested questions, and your desire I feel to put this out there for anyone ready to embrace it.

DF: Nothing like the learning that occurs in the university of true curiosity in relationality.

W: I feel the death grip we have on the family cult and why it is so pervasive has to do with the deepest vulnerability of being human. We are clearly meant to be in family. It’s just that if we settle for the current working definition of family, that only ensures that we will never be a part of true family.

DF: Why’s that?

W: It’s interesting that the word family and familiar are so close in origin, yet the energy of family is conformity to belong rather inquiry into individual uniqueness, which would lead to real familiarity with oneself. For the individual to grow, they must chose to become familiar with themselves outside of the family. I feel why family as we know it today is so praised and so valued and revered in and across our many cultures is that it serves as the perfect excuse for the individual not to grow, to not risk, to stay safe where they are.

DF: Wayne, okay, now you’re tweaking me so much I have to jump in.

W: Good, I was feeling a bit wordy.

DF: What I wanted to add was that only as an individual is in exploration with themself, or as you and I like to say, with themselves, as in getting to know their parts, are they out of the flat line existence where they have something alive to bring to relationship.

W: …where they could be valued as interesting and meaningful because they are contributing to something alive instead of cosigning a pact to stay dead as is the case of what we agreed is family today.

DF: Co-signing a pact to stay in deadness. Is it really that stark, Wayne, to you?

W: From my experience, and inside of me, it is nothing less than that. All wounding and all healing happens inside of relationship, and as we said yesterday, all relationships are in fact a cult unto themselves. It will take new cults and new relationships to take us out of the old and into the new. I feel I have inhabited that and lived my way into that to prove it to myself, and offer a landing place to anyone else who feels this is also their truth and who’d like to live into this reality for themselves. And you know what, Father?

DF: What?

W: Christopher has prepared dinner, and I’m hungry.

DF: This was perfect, Wayne, go eat. We’ll pick up soon.

W: Thank you, Father, for the interview.

DF: You’re welcome.

Raphael Awen is co-creator and facilitator of the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life.  Visit the SoulFullHeart website  for more information about virtual sessions with him.

Return To Curiosity: Dialogues With Divine Father Day 21

 Wayne's Mandala

W:  Hello Divine Father.

DF: So where are we going today, or should I say, where are you going? Today’s your turn at downloading. I get to do a whole lot of listening.

W: That’s what I like about you, Father, you listen as well as you speak.

DF: That’s a compliment that I like. Thank you.

W: Well, you’re welcome.

DF: So, I’m listening…

W: I’d like to talk, Father, about curiosity in relationships. It’s becoming more and more of a thing I look for and need with people. I need them to be curious about me. I have to matter to them, for me to be nourished by them. Without that inquiry into who and what I am, I am left unnoticed, untouched, and uncared for. And the reverse of course is also true. By that I mean, if I, or some part of me, disallows a curiosity and inquiry about the other persons path, I also block my own nourishment.

DF: I like listening today. Sounds like you’re on a roll. And, I’m curious about you speaking of curiosity today. What’s going on that it comes up for you?

W: Thanks for feeling that, and asking that, Father. There’s been a few email exchanges with people from our distant past, led by them, where the level of inquiry into our life choices and changes is on the level of something like, ‘wow, you must be getting a killer tan,’ without a single curiosity or inquiry about why we chose this or what led to this. Not even, I see you write quite a bit on your blog, I’ll have to take that in.

DF: Thanks, Wayne, for making this personal. I hate purely philosophical or idealistic discussions.

W: I know, keeping things in the realm of ideal is another way people don’t let themselves be nourished or nourishing. It’s like part of them says, if I have to live with scraps, then so do you, so here’s my mental and non personal analysis and expert readout on this subject of discussion.

DF: That’s enough to make me want to go home and kill myself.

W: Please, don’t do that, Father.

DF: Okay, I won’t. I’m just sayin’.

W: I so get the sentiment though. People can get so militant in this disposition, where a part of them is taunting the other with ‘just try and make me care or feel, and you’ll regret it.’ Their defenses are set to ‘don’t care.’ And god help us, it’s way more than just some communication skill is lacking, like where sales people learn the effectiveness about asking about the 3 key conversation openers.

DF: My god, that we have been this long on the planet and that’s what gets the press in books and social media. We’ve so got a ways to go and then some.

W: Thank you for that sentiment, Father. I noticed I like saying your name, Father, I hope that’s okay with you, Father.

DF: I like you saying my name, Wayne. I like that it’s not some bullshit sales tactic. I feel you feel me when you say my name, and it doesn’t have that invasive energy at all to it.

W: So, I know, we’re off track for a moment, but I need to ask ‘what energy do I have when I use your name?’

DF: I think you’re right on track, actually, Wayne. The energy I feel when you use my name is one of curiosity. You land in my world with something to give, and a wanting to engage and be connected.

W: Yumm. Thank you. I feel that when Christopher uses my name, and when Jillian uses my name. It’s not like we need names to keep track in a crowd of three. You know, Father, I changed my name to my middle name 8 years ago, when it felt like my world changed so much that I wasn’t who I had been in so many ways. It wasn’t that I disliked my first name of Marvin, quite the contrary actually. It was that I outgrew it. And what was really interesting is that I don’t think more than a couple people asked me what led to me changing my name, and if someone asked as in really being curious, I struggled a bit to answer because I wasn’t used to being asked to be that personal.

DF: Every being is so uniquely unique, a one in a gazillion, really, that they actually need to dull down their uniqueness in order to not blow people or themselves out of the water. Wait a minute, this is your download today, not mine.

W: Good point, Father, about the uniqueness I mean. You’re welcome to jump in here anytime. That’s the whole ping pong of real conversation, you always come out converted to something deeply alive, and you get to go places where you couldn’t go any other way except through conversation. Wow, what you just said about uniqueness, that it’s vulnerable to be as unique as we actually are, that it’s part of the surrender to being human, to have needs to seen as unique and to have needs to display as unique.

DF: Did I just say that?

W: You sure did, man.

DF: If you say so.

W: Well, we said it together, I guess is more like it, your uniqueness and mine coming out to play. Suppressing our uniqueness is like how the church has tried to suppress sex, which has just made for a whole lot of really lousy sex, no wonder teens are willing ‘save themselves’ for marriage, and priests are willing to swear off on sex, and that porn passes for sex. It’s as vulnerable to have genitals as it is to be carrying around the bank vault of uniqueness that we are.

DF: Just for the record, Wayne. I love sex, and I’m as horny as they come.

W: See, you needed to put that on record didn’t you. I knew that, but you have a need to be known as that. A castrated heavenly father is about as appealing as, …I can’t think of what just now…

DF: …as food without flavour, as conversation without care, as the earth without the sun…

W: Yes, those all work great. Thank you. And all of that screams in our face about the garbage we’ve settled for relationally. Is there any hope for us, Father, or has Facebook actually won the day?

DF: Don’t get me started. Expanded technological capacity to be in community has been mistaken for actually being in community. It’s no different than how what used to be known simply as food has come to be renamed organic food, and all the rest now prepared in factories, engineered in laboratories, and scaled for a profit has come to be mistaken for nourishment.

W: Which all has insidiously taken so much from us and gone so unnoticed, now, we need a chemical to stiffen the cock, an app to have a relationship, and a movie to draw a tear.

DF: I honestly don’t know, Wayne. Most often I lean to that this whole experiment needs to wrap up as a failure and something new needs to come in. And in that, it wasn’t a failure. It served us grandly as a bad example. It was a coming to know what we are not, so we could return to what we are.

W: I think it would be worth it, if it returned us to curiosity.

DF: I do too.

W: Life without curiosity is actually death, except, the person is plagued with the remainder. All they can hope for is relief. The universe actually isn’t sure, what’s worse, the agonal suffering of the individual, or the world bereft of curiosity. Is the cost of the present pain justified? It’s wondering if it’s time to admit the experiment was a failure, so we can be born again. I can feel that we will get there eventually, I’m just curious how.

DF: And that’s what we’re left with Wayne is this alive and fully deep breathing curiosity, where you wake another day, and you rise again to see what the tide brings in, and to be a part of the despair and the hope. All I can say is have as much intercourse as possible to make it all worth it.

W: I hear you Father, intercourse of words and heart, body and genitals, awash with curiosity.

DF: I can’t see you regretting it.

W: Wow, shall we unfasten our seat belts for now?

DF: and continue tomorrow?

W: Yes, tomorrow, Father.

Wayne Vriend is a co-founder of Soulfullheart Community, healer and author of 90 Days With Yeshua. Visit soulfullheart.com for more information.

Ending The Suffering Of Compassionate Caretaking: Dialogues With Divine Father Day 19

Wayne's Mandala

W: Hello Divine Father.

DF: Hello Wayne.

W: I think I sort of know where I’d like to go today.

DF: Great, where’s that?

W: I’d like to get your help on something I’m feeling in relationships about the difference between boundaries and compassion. I’m stuck somehow though to even phrase the questions I have somehow. How’s that for confused?

DF: That’s perfect actually. Finding and formulating the right questions is key to finding your truth.

W: Good, so how do I do that?

DF: Tell me the setting or the feeling space where the quandary arises for you.

W: Okay. I’m in a few email correspondences again with people from my past, or someone new to me, where I like to express compassion. It’s nourishing and just plain fun for me to experience myself being this way with people. But the quandary comes up for me when I feel their lack of interest in who I am and what my values are. They will gladly be touched by the compassion, as much as they can let it in, but then I can also feel the resistance to let themselves have a deeper inquiry into who I am, and what I value. At some point then in the emerging relationship, I’m getting uncomfortably close to unhealthy caretaking when they can’t reciprocate or show up for a real relationship.

DF: It’s quite easy actually from the beginning to feel what the capacity of the other person is to actually have a healthy relationship. I love that you open your heart and lead with compassion. That’s who you are, and that’s a reflection of the work you’ve done. Having a genuine interest in another person and who they are and what their needs and desires are is what healthy relationships are made of. However, when only one, or none of the people in the equation really has that heart open interest and inquiry into each other, it’s some kind of medicative and unhealthy glue that is holding the relationship together. If your willing to feel it as the relationship is forming, it’s easy to feel what the likely unfolding is going to be, but then the question arises if that is enough for you.

W: Exactly.

DF: Sounds like you know this one.

W: I do.

DF: Well, no sense preaching to the choir, Wayne. What’s your deeper quandary about then?

W: That’s what I set out to find out with you today.

DF: This is kind of cool actually, Wayne, both the teacher and the student don’t quite know what they are trying to get at, but both can feel an itch they can’t quite scratch, and in that, they are together. And in that, a knowing that didn’t exist before can arise.

W: Something’s coming up for me now. It’s the deeper vulnerability of feeling that if I bring my true needs into an arising relationship, as well as condition my relating to getting those needs met, I’m going to lose the connection. I’m left alone.

DF: But here’s the deal. Settling for a shallow relationship that isn’t nourishing isn’t actually a relationship. It may be what many consider a relationship, but really, it’s just settling for company to alleviate the pain of the aloneness.

W: Been there, done that.

DF: I know you have, Wayne, and I know too, that you are done with that.

W: I do to, Father. I know I am done with that. So then what am I trying to get at today?

DF: Maybe it’s just letting in that something totally new and brand new is here for you in the arena of relationships. If what you have with Jillian is any indicator, as well as Christopher, I’d say sacred friendship is truly dawning on your horizon. Something has crept up on you and it’s time to celebrate it.

W: That goes in, Father. I think I am actually just having a bit of trouble digesting a chunk of goodness. It’s also a celebration of being done with plenty of looping and suffering in relationships where I couldn’t be let in.

DF: Time to get used to being let in, instead of shut down.

W: And what’s really cool, Father, is the no more suffering around all of this.

DF: Uh,huh. You already said that.

W: I did, didn’t I?

DF: It must mean something to you, Wayne. Yes, no more suffering. Risking bringing your true needs into the relationship is what creates the possibility for you to actually form a true and deepening and nourishing relationship. It is also what sorts out, in lightning speed, if that just isn’t in the cards.

W: And if it isn’t in the cards, then the compassionate thing to do is to prove that, accept that and compassionately let the person go.

DF: Anything short of that would be staying in the suffering.

W: Which might be fine for so many, but my emotional body just doesn’t do that any longer, no more than my stomach can handle my much beloved and long time friend of coffee.

DF: That’s it, Wayne. What worked in the past, no longer does. Accepting that is accepting the changes you’ve chosen; the work you’ve done; the tears you’ve cried; and the future you earned. This is yours, Wayne, if you want it, and I know you do, and no one can take it away from you. This is one of those treasures stored up in heaven where moth and rust does not corrupt.

W: I think this is exactly what I needed to get to with you today. A ritual if you will, an acknowledgment of something ending and something beginning, a rite of passage.

DF: I hereby declare an end to this suffering and a beginning of a new day.

W: And I hereby accept that declaration.

DF: See that Wayne, we entered the territory of not knowing our way to knowing together. We found the itch and we scratched it good. That’s cool enough, but what we did was to do it relationally. We felt each other and opened our heart and partook of a love flow that you just can’t get to by yourself.

W: I want more of that.

DF: And that’s key to having this, Wayne, is being willing to want it. ‘Want not, have not’ is the rule of the abundant and compassionate universe. All you can let in is yours for the asking.

W: Thank you so much, Father. I’ll let in this rite of passage.

DF: Your Welcome, Wayne. Sacred you-man.

 

Wayne Vriend is a co-founder of Soulfullheart Community, healer and author of 90 Days With Yeshua. Visit soulfullheart.com for more information.

Living And Leading From A Sacred Union: Dialogues With Divine Father Day 18

Wayne's Mandala

 

W: Hello Divine Father.

DF: Hello Wayne.

W: Jillian asked the other day when I was going to talk about her and I in our dialogues, and that question has got me wondering.

DF: I imagine so.

W: Really, maybe you can help me sort it out.

DF: I’d be glad to, but I prefer to let you lead with your need. It just seems to work better that way. Tell me about your wondering.

W: It seems the light is shining on my wondering as soon as I mentioned it to you. I get why I have hesitated to talk openly about our relationship. One is that both braggarts and bragging are a turn off to me. But another, deeper, and I suspect the truer reason for keeping the shades pulled some on our relationship is that part of me still feels vulnerable for having something so out of this world. I’ve never been around another couple that has anything resembling what we have together. It’s been a very private experience. The only way there has been to digest our uniqueness is with each other, and that just serves to making me feel more separated from what people settle for in romance.

DF: I’m really glad you’re opening this out today, Wayne. I get the distaste for bragging thing. Someone whose bragging is really doing it out of a hunger for love in the form of recognition, or being liked, they’re just going about it in a way that won’t actually get them what they really want. In your case, you and Jillian live inside of what most are not capable of even dreaming of. Seeking to keep that hidden because it feels vulnerable to let it be seen how strange and different you are is understandable.

W: Especially, Father, because of how private and personal relationship is. That’s what makes it so rewarding. It’s like a treasure that I’m happy most of the time to keep to myself.

DF: And then Jillian comes along and asks when you’re going to share about your relationship.

W: Exactly.

DF: Women pull off stuff like that don’t they?

W: Tell me about it. Father.

DF: No, I’d like you to tell me about it, Wayne. And I think the universe is the one really doing the asking, and Jillian is just picking up on that. Why do you think romance portrayed in writing and film is so addictive? It’s because it goes to the deepest heart of us, and our longings for what can be.

W: I’m still a bit hesitant, Father, and don’t know where to begin.

DF: That’s understandable. I’m in no hurry, and I think it will be well worth the wait. If you are up for it, that is.

W: Trying to describe a feeling reality by getting all heady trying to describe it feels really difficult. I am up for it, to share, that is. I’ll just need to be patient with myself to find my way.

DF: Perfect, Wayne. Thank you for accepting the challenge to use words to share about the heart. I’m going into full listening mode, with my heart open. I can feel and fill in what the words can’t do justice to.

W: My first contact from Jillian, a complete stranger, was her sending me a 3 sentence email in a business setting. I got all reactive like I’d never received an email from a woman before. I met her in a seminar some months later, and the attraction came right back to the surface. 3 years and some history later, we became a couple. Now, I can see that we needed the time to get ready for each other and the relationship and what it would ask of us. And ask of us, it did. Geography immediately came up, living a country and 1000 miles apart. Our entire social world came up as well as the spiritual group we were deeply apart of kicked us out on account of our relationship (Much too long of a story to put in here, dear reader, you can read it all if you’d like, Jillian wrote a book about it called; ‘Under The Bloated Banyen’ available on our website). I vacated so much of my entire reality to embrace the relationship and the connection that was so completely life changing. The ease of being together was just the entry point. The joy and fulfillment of sharing current life and feeling into an unfolding future together was so off the chart to me, I felt like I entered another planet. And really, Father, I did, and I still feel that way.

DF: You’re doing just fine, Wayne. Thank you for warming up to this. Please keep on.

W: Okay. Here goes. I suppose I should mention that it’s not like we don’t or didn’t have clashes or differences. We have had clashes that sometimes only compared in scope to the goodness of what dropped into our lap. The intensity of our clashes has lessened and I trust is continuing to, as I believe that we were just minimally ready to be in what we were given. It’s crazy vulnerable to be in something so all encompassing, so good, so rewarding, so beautiful with a very unique human with sexuality upping the ante big time and to embrace and face conflict with as open a heart I could find. It’s like, Father, everything that I experienced in relationship before was preparation for what I entered with Jillian 7 years plus ago. And then on top of that, the relationship never stops beginning really, dependant on how willing we are to keep entering it. Honeymoon is a reality, because both partners risk to enter. It’s the willingness to continue to risk that keeps the sweetness and goodness and surprise over the moon.

DF: Amen, brother.

W: Thank you for that Amen. Forgive me for getting a bit preachy. Even as I set out to open up about Jillian and I, I feel how it’s still a bit more comfortable for a part of me to talk about the values of our relationship, rather than the relationship itself. I’m going to see if I can stay on the relationship.

Jillian is laying 3 feet away from me as I type this dialogue, reading, looking beautiful, and emanating sweetness. Our life is an orbit around each other. Even when either of us needs some space to themselves, it’s all in the anticipation of reconnecting. I’m planning on a city trip with Christopher tomorrow for the day and I actually have an anxiety about being that far apart from Jillian for that long. The return trip and our embrace will be the only thing that can alleviate that anxiety. Some may want to write us off as codependent. I’d actually have to accept the charge, as I know, that losing my relationship with Jillian would feel like the end of my life. Certainly the end of my life as I know it now. I’d have to trust the universe to give me some sort of a rebirth equal to the one that began our relationship for me to be anything less than suicidal. If that’s codependent, that’s what I am. And I’m proud of it. It’s taken all the guts and balls I could and can muster to keep up with her and us, and what life brings us because of our togetherness. Moving to Mexico and exodusing Canada was simply the latest requirement that our relationship beckoned. Wow, I warmed up to this, Father. How am I doing?

DF: You are doing so good, Wayne. You’ve needed to do this. It was going to hinder your relationship if you couldn’t make this current claim. It wasn’t just that Jillian wanted to hear you gush about your relationship, although I’m sure that’s all true too, but she and the universe longs for a man who can claim his truth without bragging and without apology. Feel into if there’s more you want to say, Wayne. I’m not going anywhere.

W: I feel liberated somehow, like keeping all of this goodness in private was somehow weighing on me. In that, I feel how the goodness of my moment by moment with Jillian offset the loneliness of it being such a private experience. I feel how I want to share what I have, as well as receive support by being around other couples that are willing to go in this deep and keep going.

DF: Wayne, I feel how that’s what the universe wants for you both as well. The universe just needed this outing from you.

W: So, keep my eyes open for what’s ahead…?

DF: Yes, keep your eyes and heart open. You’ve been willing to live this from the heart and there is no greater thing that seeds that into the realm that births out more of the same for those ready and willing to embrace that.

W: That sounds good.

DF: I’ll say. If you want it and keep wanting it, Wayne, the saying that you’ve only just begun can be a never ending reality for you.

W: You mean like honeymoon sex all the time?

DF: Yup. That and more, and then some more if you can handle it.

W: Thank you, Father, for holding space for this today.

DF: You are so mega welcome, Wayne. Mega welcome.

 

Wayne Vriend is a co-founder of Soulfullheart Community, healer and author of 90 Days With Yeshua. Visit soulfullheart.com for more information.

I Want To Feel Unique, Special, Sought After, Wanted, Supported, Guided and Loved, That’s All: Dialogues With Divine Father Day 17

Wayne's Mandala

W: Hello Divine Father.

DF: Hello Wayne.

W: Thank you, Father, for being so readily available and heart open. That’s what I feel from you when I say hello, and receive your hello in return.

DF: I’m so glad that’s true for you. You know, the hardest thing about having an abundance of love and wanting to share it is finding hearts for it to be received into, and felt.

W: I’m glad that’s true for me too, and I feel how there is also room for it to be more true. In the midst of deep change, I need a way to feel through my reactions, what I need, and what I miss.

DF: What do you miss, Wayne?

W: I know I miss some of the old familiar at times. For me, that had to do with finding comfort in going to a coffee shop, or a bakery, in the midst of a busy town or city. I miss earning money, and simply buying what we wanted or needed. I miss clothes and shoe shopping, for sure.

 

DF: It’s natural and normal that you attached to things and found comfort in them in your life in Canada.

W: And Father, it wasn’t that those things were so deeply fulfilling. Actually, more often, I was trying to fill a deeper need when I reached out for those comforts. Those deeper needs are what followed me here to Mexico.

DF: What does it feel like those deeper needs are?

W: So much of what we talked about already…, intimacy inside of real community, feeling connected to the divine, feeling a resonant lifestyle with what really matters.

DF: Wayne, shut out, if you can, just now, your awareness of anyone else reading this, and see if you can answer the question again. What does it feel like your deeper needs are?

W: I want to feel unique. I want to feel special. I want to feel sought after and wanted. I want to feel supported, guided and mostly, I want to feel love.

DF: There, you got it, much better. Now, imagine yourself feeling wave upon wave of those good feelings.

W: Okay, I’m doing that.

DF: Now, tell me about the things you miss again.

W: Wow, Okay, Father, that’s trippy. Every one of them I can feel was a wanting to address these deeper needs.

DF: What did the coffee shop or bakery represent?

W: People gathering together, bringing their appetites, partaking of life’s goodness.

DF: And what did clothes shopping represent?

W: Feeling myself as special, and attractive, and unique.

DF: …And how about the earning money part?

W: Feeling myself as powerful.

DF: Now, tell me, if these things that you miss ever gave you what you actually wanted or needed?

W: They really didn’t, Father. I can feel what they did was give me a way to manage my disappointment around not getting these needs met.

DF: We need to stop right here, Wayne, and feel what a milestone this moment of realization is. These don’t come along very often.

W: Wow, so what I actually miss doesn’t have anything to do with deep fulfillments, but more to do with the mechanisms that helped me manage a deep unfulfillment.

DF: And what else does it tell you about you?

W: That I settled for that.

DF: Exactly, until of course you didn’t.

W: Which brings us to the present.

DF: So what then is the alive and healthy present?

W: It’s a willingness to feel my actual un-fulfillment, rather than seeking to manage it.

DF: Yes, a willingness to feel fluent with something, to use your words; your ache for uniqueness, specialness, support, being sought after and loved. Wayne, the doorway to fulfillment is feeling your unfulfillment.

W: I still somehow have it wired up Father, that the goal is feeling deep enjoyment or pleasure, and that something is wrong with me if I’m not there.

DF: Wayne, feeling deep joy and pleasure doesn’t do well as a goal to be achieved. The better goal to attain is being willing to feel what your actual needs are. Only a willingness to feel your actual needs and wants can ever lead to a true and deep fulfillment of them.

W: So, Father, why am I resistive to feeling my actual needs?

DF: …you, and the rest of your kind, Wayne. This is the challenge of humanity. What can you feel about this resistance?

W: It feels like the key to my humanity. If I am surrendered to being human, then my deepest humanity is expressed in feeling my deepest needs. Animals are so much happier with so much less because their needs are so much less.

DF: And what then does feeling the things you miss from life in Canada feel like now?

W: It feels like a part of me is in negotiation with me about letting in more of what I really want, and when this part of me is feeling resistant to that, it actually yearns for what it was familiar with and even frames that as better than what it has now.

DF: Well said. Now, what does going forward look like?

W: It’s really about feeling what real need is surfacing when a missing feeling is up for me. Feel the part of me in resistance, see if we can come to terms with letting in new and more love; more of what we most deeply want.

DF: This is the real enlightenment that the universe is offering now, Wayne. It’s not a flood of light, where someone becomes permanently in a state of joy or happiness. Rather, it’s an en-light-en-ment of making one’s burdens light. In the words of Yeshua, ‘my yoke is easy and my burden is light.’ The crazy heavy and impossible burden is trying to get your deepest needs met through something short of feeling what you are actually wanting.

W: Part of me is amazed that it’s taken this much and this long, Father, to come to this juncture.

DF: I understand that feeling, Wayne, but what else is there that’s worth more?

W: Nothing at all really, Father. Me coming into more and more of being at home in me, in the divine, in my relationship with others and all of life is really just another way of saying what I said earlier.

DF: Which was?…

W: Which is that what I really want is to know and feel loved, special, unique, wanted.

DF: If there was something to set up a communion table of rememberance for, Wayne, this would be it. You’d do well to never ever forget this one.

W: Thank you, Divine Father. My needs are met to overflowing again.

DF: You’re welcome and thank you. Thank you for receiving my love.

 

Wayne Vriend is a co-founder of Soulfullheart Community, healer and author of 90 Days With Yeshua. Visit soulfullheart.com for more information.