The Desire To Mate And Create As Sacred Humans

by Kalayna Colibri



We are wired for creation it seems, as human BEings, and especially as Sacred Humans arising more and more through ascension… CREATE-ures, who have been created and yet also co-created, constantly, consistently, without end. We are moving more and more into a state of CONSCIOUS co-creation with each other, the Divine, and even ourselves as we engage in processes that allow us to get to know ourselves as we heal on deeper and deeper levels.

Our desire to create comes from our god-ness, for the Divine is always creating, recreating, co-creating too and we are intrinsically connected to all of that and the ALL. Multiple timelines appear on our radars, wanting us to feel more, become more, feel where we are in the moment, yet also see what we are energizing as the truest truth of who we are and the life we’re living. To acknowledge our creativity in every moment is to claim and inhabit our power again, to acknowledge ourselves as high-beaming BEings again. We are the writers of our own stories, we are bringing in energy to support or neglect our deepest desires. We are given gateways to walk through that want to bring us more outward into the harvest of our inward glances and journeys. We are brought into new territories via the vehicle of ‘I want’ and the sidecar of ‘I need’, ever-connected to quantum will, quantum desires, quantum needs that over-arch everything, everyone, every other CREATE-ure imaginable.

There’s a dance here, with self and the Divine and with each other too. We are partnered in creation, as we are all ONE anyways, yet find our individual expressions of this too. We are inclined to find dance partners through different waves and ways of relationships. We are romantic in our hearts, always imagining something (though parts of us may dismiss this for different phases), always wanting (though again, parts may be burying this for different phases), always needing something, though this can ultimately be boiled down to a much deeper need for LOVE… how could this love dance, this wanting dance, not turn into a mating dance too? First with self, then with other? How could our beautifully filling-up hearts and ever-glowing, growing souls not want to collaborate and co-create with another in sacred union, creating from an ‘usness’ of beauty and ever-purifying love and self-discovery? This collaborative sort of relationship is what could be difficult to accept into our lives, especially for those who feel they have only begun to get themselves sorted out, let alone let in a sacred union romance that will scramble their worlds up again. Yet, THIS is what creativity feels like to me… a creating and then a dismantling, only to create something new and perhaps better or more fulfilling than before!

There is a sacredness to every single desire and ache in our hearts for more or less or even something completely different than we’ve experienced so far. We are creating this sacredness from our own sacredness that can never die or be abandoned though it can certainly be buried. We are being tuned back into these frequencies that remind us of our aliveness, our need to align truly with our hearts and want we want to create,  while illuminating what we’ve been creating instead. We are given this illumination as a powerful opportunity and it is entirely our own creative choice as to whether or not we step into it. ❤


Kalayna Colibri is a SoulFullHeart facilitator for women around (and under) the age of 30, energy healer, indigo-crystal bridge, writer, and poetess. Visit for more information about space holding sessions, group calls, videos, community, etc. Visit our patreon page to offer a money donation to support our offerings at

A Guided Tour To The Heart Of The Cosmos With Archangel Metatron



By Raphael Awen

This  morning I was given a guided tour to the heart of the cosmos.

I know this sounds strange to many ears. It would have sounded strange to me too not that long ago. I invite you to feel past this strange feeling and come along with me and feel this journey.

Please don’t exclude yourself. This is the simple, and completely magical domain of self-permission and creative visualization. This is your and my galactic gateway to all that is.

It began with feeling and connecting this morning with my most recent and dearest guides. Archangel Metatron has become more and more comfortable to reach out to and feel as often as I need and want to on a daily basis. Merlin is my other front and center guide lately, and he is my unicorn. We all have access to these beings.

They wanted me to see and feel the tube extending from the top of my head that they said, connects to all that is. I was of course totally excited and up for that. The three of us took a position outside and well above my body and looked at this tube that was a diameter similar to the diameter of my head, and luminescent and white in color, and extending as far upward as the eye could see. The feeling of being utterly and intelligently connected and not separate filled my awareness with a deep feeling of gratitude and reverence. It would have been enough to have just lingered here for a while and eventually return to my body.  Metatron however, asked if I’d like to explore upwards, and just his suggestion to further explore seemed to suggest there was much more to see. I jumped on Merlin’s back and the ride began. Metatron was zipping along the left side of the tube and Merlin and I were to the right. I had the feeling of doing a pipeline inspection as we moved slow enough to see the tube passing between us, as we entered the space above the earth. The tube looked healthy, complete and without any blocks. The pace picked up rapidly now and I recognized the familiar, beloved and expansive thirty five thousand feet altitude of airplane travel. No lingering here though as we moved into space itself and saw the sun and other planets in an expansive look at our solar system. There was no added sound somehow from all of our movement and I could hear and feel the sound of our solar system and then, the Milky Way Galaxy itself. Trippy to say the least.

It dawned on me that we were doing a quick tour of introduction and that my eagerness had something to do with the crazy pace we were taking. Metatron messaged me that with this introduction in place, I could come back here as often as I wished and for as long as I wished. Awesome!

We did pause here in what I guessed would be called outer space to again take in and feel. All I could feel was total reverence. My usual curiosity was in surrender to this reverence that almost totally overwhelmed me from any consciousness at all. I could see the tube extending both above and below as far as my eyes could see.

Merlin now asked if I was ready to see where this tube came from, and his question became our launch again as I felt totally in surrender to their prompt at this point. We traveled at something beyond light speed for a moment as galaxy after galaxy was left in our wake. Then we left linear travel altogether and I was messaged that my thoughts were in fact causing this shift. Then we were there.

It looked like an ocean floating before us approaching as a field of light energy. Metatron casually said ‘here we are at the heart of the cosmos.’ I wondered how many times he had taken this trip and how special it was from his point of view. He certainly felt comfortable and at ease here and I took that as my cue to compose myself similarly. Again we paused at a distance we could see the heart of the cosmos as a single entirety before us. I had the feeling that this pause was on my behalf to acclimate some before attempting to get any closer. I could see the tube now extending into the center of the heart of the cosmos before us.

As we had long left the time zone, I had no sense of time to know how long we had lingered. Metatron motioned with a nod of his head at some point for us to approach the heart of the cosmos, the heart of God. As we approached this energy field, it appeared to have some kind of a wall like membrane to it, a distinct boundary and we paused there. I felt its emanations seemingly become me. I was again messaged to walk up to it and place my hands on it, which I did and felt pulsating life and love ripple through my body. I took a step back when I thought I had felt all I could in that moment. But Metatron was vibing that we hadn’t come all this way to just stand around outside and offered that we could enter if we, meaning me, was willing to feel into, and thereby create a doorway location. I proceeded to do just that and immediately, the cosmic heart of the universe simply created what felt like an entry portal right in front of where we all stood. I gazed upon the door as I instinctively knew this was the mode of entry. A word appeared on the door and it was simply the word ‘love,’ again calibrating and preparing me to enter as I continued to gaze. The door opened and Metatron assured me it was okay to simply step in. He wanted me to go first, which with his assurance, I was sure that it was okay to step in. He and Merlin followed right behind me.

Inside was a deep and profound feeling of standing inside of intelligence itself, love itself, and so much more and all of it on an infinite scale. All I knew to do was to close my eyes and feel. As I did, I was given as many messages as I was ready to take in and feel.

One was, ‘Love can fill any container, but it cannot be contained.’ Another was ‘All doing proceeds from being.’ Words of intense wisdom and feeling were accessible as much as I was willing and able to take in completely holding my attention. My energy felt like it could stay there forever. I had no track of time, but could somehow recall the idea of time from my conditioning. Metatron again gave me assurance, as we broke this beautiful spell to connect, that this was an initiation introduction and that following this, I could simply return here, with or without his guidance as often as I wished, for as long as I wished. This helped me let go of the bliss of this feeling of the intense connection and access to all intelligence and infinite love, to let in what he had next in store.

It was now the moment to return the way we had come, but Merlin and Metatron moved towards where the tube, my heart and soul connection to the heart of the universe, actually connected to this cosmic heart, instead of the door that we had entered through. I knew we were returning through the tube, back to my earth self, rather than alongside the tube. Somehow my previous perception of the size of the tube wasn’t an issue as the three of us had tons of room to move through this tube. Its walls were completely transparent, almost as if there wasn’t any distinction between the inside and outside allowing me the experience of feeling like I was floating on a river of energy, sort of like what we called ‘tubing’ back home. How appropriate. Again entire galaxies rippled by us as we approached my home galaxy. Again, I sensed and treasured the feeling that the point of today’s journey was the introduction and the initiation, and that there would be as many opportunities and as much ‘time’ as needed to be with this infinity as I could stand.

As we made our way all the way back to my 3rd density earth body, I began to sense myself from within my body, which I hadn’t lost any cognizance of during this entire journey. In fact, I was sitting in a camp chair the entire time on my balcony in the sunrise overlooking the ocean. I was in both places at once. The energy of the three of us returning to me entering the top of my head and touching and attuning each chakra as we merged in, all the way down to my root chakra and beyond entering into the heart of Gaia.

Wowzers! From Earth to the heart of the cosmos, and all the way back again and feeling myself as a node on this highway of consciousness. And feeling this individuated node of consciousness called Raphael then extending all the way back to the heart of Gaia. How’s that for a reframe of personal identity?

I felt instead of journaling this experience privately to share it publicly. If this journey feels magical to you and something that you would be delighted to experience, I offer that if you can see it this way, it is something that is accessible to you. It may require some intention and development of your third eye to see and feel in this way, but the essence of this development is your self-permission and desire.

Journeying through creative visualization is your birthright.

Raphael Awen is co-creator, teacher, and facilitator of the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life. Please visit for more information and inspiration.

The Game Of Life Is Rigged In Your Favour


Dissonance is simply resonance’s way of remembering where we came from, and guiding us back to essence.

Stress, anxiety, fear, or any other ‘negative’ state cannot ‘negate’ us out of the overwhelming ocean of resonance in which we live and move and have our being.

This bliss that we are only awaits our conscious acceptance and increasing awareness of it. There is no other journey, but this inward one. You ARE God millions and billions of times over, and over, and over.

Now this, I am well aware, is not most people’s felt reality, as it admittedly has not been mine for many years. It may even stir feelings of anger for some to read such a far-fetched sounding declaration. For others, who sense these words are true, about the deep underlying resonance of all things, they are able to accept the words mentally, but are left longing to feel this as a deeper lived in reality, and in turn create a state of ever deepening bliss, for themselves and their world around them.

Both of these reactions, of either accepting these words, or rejecting them, are testament to the truth of the underlying perfection of all things. War, racism, hatred, and any other ill you can name are also evidence of our deep seated longing, as well as the means, to find our way back to the bliss of our origin, our essence, and to where we are returning. Even our exploration of ‘evil’ is ultimately ever and only a coming to terms with an infinite love that has already won.

Our truest state of grounded fulfillment in this journey is simply reverence, and the stuff that flows from that, like gratitude, kindness (acknowledging that all are ‘kin’), joy, creativity, love. And all of these are more reflections and resonances of where we came from, what we actually are, and what we are also becoming.

The deck is so stacked in our favour that the game of life rides a razor’s edge of losing its legitimacy as a game. Hell, if we’ve already won the game, why set out to play? There’s only one valid and profoundly true answer to that question and it’s this: the only valid reason to play is simply for the fun of it, and for the community of it. Nothing else…(near as I can tell). The universe wants to play, and it wants to play with you.

Now, there are only a few things that the universe set out as essential ‘rules’ to this game. Bear in mind though that the only point to the rules is the preserving the whole point of the fun and the community.

Free will is the one big rule. Nothing can or will be pushed on you. The universe doesn’t offer any unsolicited advice, but yet longs for your inquiry to share what it has and what it knows. In fact, it’s all yours to begin with, only being held in trust until you are ready to claim your heir-ship.

The sovereignty of the individual is another rule (maybe just another way of restating the first rule) of the game. The universe set up this game with the deepest respect that you and I would be subjected to pain and even the loss of our awareness of our true original identity. The only way it could justify doing such a horrid thing was to make us not only reflections of itself, but also literally make-us-itself, at the outset of the journey. We are the divine out feeling anxiety, hatred, fear when we do. It was only in this way that the divine could subject us to such horrid experience of perceived loss. It was only in this way that we would never be earning our way to back to God-hood, but instead only learning and returning our way to our full birthright experience of our God-hood essence.

You are infinite wonder. You are the sacred experience of divinity out journeying and journaling its way through its own capacity and its own polarity for bliss and reverence.

Possibly this is what makes God, God, this incredible capacity for reverence. All that it knows, it knows in and through you. You need no other, for all other is you. Your mind struggles to comprehend, but this in no way excludes you from the knowing. This knowing lives in you as fully as it ever will already, now, present tense. The only thing, and this is the point of the whole game, the whole journey we are on, is your and my awakening to this that already is, and all of that, simply for the fun and the community it.

So what are we left with now? In light of all this that is (which is way more than you and I can begin to digest it seems), how then shall we enter the next moment? What will take us from our present consciousness of perceived lack, exclusion, separation, and return us to the fact of this bliss?

Those questions are the quest! Just asking them and feeling them creates longing. This longing is the propulsion that is necessary to authorize movement and rememberance. This heart open quest is what opens you to all of the guidance, strength, and healing you need.

All that is ever in front of you, regardless of the content, regardless of the time needed, can never be outside of your journey back to source, awakening to the source you already are.


Raphael Awen is co-creator, teacher, and facilitator of the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life. Please visit for more information and inspiration.

Feeling My Spirit/Matter Split (Part One): Life As An Initiate At SoulFullHeart Sanctuary Blog Series

This is the fourth entry in the Life As An Initiate At SoulFullHeart Sanctuary Blog Series. Go here to read the third one.

recovering faith


By Kathleen Calder

The old photographs in front of me in digital form are, for parts of me, evidence of an old life and an old me. An attachment to them lives on inside me though I have looked at them a thousand times, and I feel reactions rise up yet again to my body, my outbound energy, and my self-loathing (that may be too strong of a term to use, but at times it does feel I have harbored that strong of a feeling about myself inside parts of me). Photos of a “me” in university studying Theatre, of a “me” exploring freelance modeling and the sexual messiness that came with that at times, and ultimately a “me” that felt most times worthless, incapable and even, yes, “stupid”, “ugly”, “fat”, etc.

It feels tender to let these feelings rise up again and yet for another part of me it feels useless…why let part of me obsess over the past? What is this part looking for…more suffering? These are unanswered questions in the moment, yet there is something about what I was living through that I feel connects directly to my process today.

I remember well the thought pattern I fell into and couldn’t get out of, starting around age 12. Puberty had begun to set in and my body began to develop the shape that I now have. My social world was getting tougher with hormones arising along with an emerging desire to have a boyfriend, while watching other girls my age draw what seemed to part of me like “all of the attention.” Immediately another part came in with messages of needing to find ways to compete but also with messages of my “incompetence” to do so.

On the other hand, I also remember being a “good Catholic girl”. Part of me leaned into church and the feeling of being with “God”. I realize now that this was my first experience of something bigger than me holding me, even if I wasn’t sure how to picture it exactly. I feel with some tears in the moment that this is what held me more than I realized at the time and kept me going through these tough years where I had parts developing like crazy to cover over my porosity and sensitivity as much as possible, to make life feel doable and less insane-feeling. Yes, it was in a Catholic framework, but the Divine is still the Divine and I have had many lifetimes of leaning into an inexplicable energy that comforts, challenges, and ultimately helps me grow somehow.

To me this all demonstrates the beginnings of what would become my own “Spirit/Matter Split”, which is easily one of the greatest themes at work in my life and perhaps for all of us on a global scale. Only recently have I begun to feel how big of a deal it would be if the biggest thing I do in this life is learn to bridge Spirit and Matter instead of feeling them as separate entities. As I go on I will illuminate what I mean.

What I wrote in the beginning illustrates the deep self-punishment pattern parts of me were in. Aspects of this included an obsession about how I looked and what my body weight was. It also included adopting many different “medications” in an attempt to quell this voice inside me but also to lift me up from the heaviness of what most people call “real life”. I remember there being a dense dreariness in my field about how life was supposed to be and how it would inevitably turn out. At times I still have this and I am now working with it consciously in order to feel and heal the parts that still hold it as Truth. This is a piece of family and cultural legacy. No amount of positive affirmations or reframing of my thinking could penetrate this voice and heal these wounds long-term.

So far, I can feel that…

Matter is the density of the material world, both energetically and physically. It is the churning of machines in our industrial factories. It is the ground on which we walk, run, cycle or drive. It is our physical bodies that we tend to obsess over, hold contempt for, and blame for so much. It is “is-ness”.

Spirit is the abstract. It is our feelings and our intuitions, which both can come with such an intangibility that they either pass through us unnoticed or are deliberately ignored/buried. It is life force itself. It is often an experience and a flow that cannot be put into words, it just IS. In a way it is “is-ness” too, but more so in the sense that it is literally All That Is, all at once.

See? One I can talk about more directly, while one needs to be described poetically in order to do it justice in human/Matter terms. Matter is meant to be temporary, fleeting, in the moment, tangible and dense, while Spirit is meant to be ever-lasting, enduring, unbreakable…and though it is mostly energy, it is what we can count on to always be there and it is what our hearts and souls long for more of, consciously or unconsciously.

There is no good vs. evil here. There is not even a real comparison between the two concepts. They are ultimately One; we have just created a duality perhaps to make parts of us feel better. There is a definite, bittersweet pain that comes with feeling Divine connection while there is still so much life to live, especially during this phase of life on this planet. But what could/would it mean if we integrated our daily life experience and our spiritual experiences and indeed didn’t have to define or compartmentalize either one from the other? What if the whole idea behind Matter is that it is a conduit and holding space for Spirit to play in? And what if we are the ones meant to link the two?

What if I am one of the ones called to be a bridge and lead others in this during my lifetime?

What if you are meant to come with me?

I’m realizing now how little experience I have had with nonduality in this life. I am looking forward to being able to let in some tastes of it as this dualistic experience of life continues to heal inside me. For parts of me, being able to be in a strictly human life with abandon has been comforting for short phases, though it has never really brought me satisfaction or deep joy. Perhaps as my parts begin to realize that they finally will get their deepest needs met while leaning into Spirit and taking practical life steps at the same time, I will become more ready to let the Nondual in and therefore let in my essential essence and more tones of my soul and of the Divine than I have ever let in yet.

Well, if life’s Matter is the playground I’m beginning to feel it is, then what have I got to lose in exploring this theme of bridging Spirit with it, except old patterns of being in life that my parts and I are tired of anyways? What could/would shift in my life if I can integrate the two?

I suspect that I, and my life, will change in more ways than I count.

Sounds pretty good to me!


Kathleen Calder is an initiate at the SoulFullHeart Sanctuary and you can read more of her writing here on this blog. Please visit SoulFullHeart Sanctuary for more information about staying with us and virtual sessions.

I Am Many And We Are One: Divine Father Dialogues Day 26

Wayne's Mandala


W: Hello Divine Father.

DF: Hello Divine Son.

W: Yes, thank you. I do feel divine at times, other times not as much. It’s really cool though to be reminded that I am divinity expressing in the world, and that I can connect with you as a son.

DF: Let’s do that today.

W: Which brings me to what I’d like to talk with you about today.

DF: What’s that?

W: You mentioned yesterday about having healthy boundaries, and that made me feel how historically with people I’ve struggled between wanting to be totally direct and call a spade a spade, as they say, and being the way I learned to be in customer service, well liked and chosen for the contract and paid well, and all of that. That polarity seems to have followed me to the present day. So today, I journaled with the 2 parts of me who have held each end of that, and we all felt we wanted to get your input around healthy boundaries and see what they look like in action?

DF: I think we could have fun with that today, Wayne. Where would you start it off?

W: How about I just dive in around my quandaries and you can feel how to respond?

DF: Totally.

W: Okay. There’s the quandary about what to do with something I really dislike in a person or something they said. I’m already feeling the answer has to do with a middle way between love and truth telling, but I could use some guidance and coaching on that one for sure. Then there’s a reticence I feel to be direct when there is something I fear losing from the person. All those years of not being emotionally honest with clients let me win the contract, but took a toll on my deeper desired way of being in relationships. I had to enter a role that had some real me in it, but also had something I no longer want with people.

DF: I so get, Wayne, the feeling of wanting to shed a layer of something that once served you, felt like who you were then, but simply feels clumsy and awkward today. Let me ask you, what does it feel like you’d want most to change for you relationally?

W: It feels like, Father, what I’d really like is to find this middle ground of being where it doesn’t take much debate inside, where it simply flows in a balance of embodied truth telling and real care for the person, as well as for myself, advocating for what I want and don’t want.

DF: I think we could end the conversation right here, Wayne, because you said it all in a nutshell.

W: I did.

DF: You did.

W: But I didn’t say I found it, I said I want to find it.

DF: I’m just feeling how you’ve done your homework on this one, and you are already at the deep desire stage, which is what comes just before the new opening. Your next step is simply walking that out in the situations that life puts across your path.

W: Does that mean you don’t want to talk about it?

DF: Well, hold on, let’s see what’s in the tank to help out with….

W: Thank you.

DF: Boundaries are the line between you and the other person, you and the world, you and I for that matter. While it is true that we are all one and the lines between us are not real on one level, it is also true that we are unique and distinctly separate beings. Both are true. The analogy that feels real to me is that while the body has many distinct members or parts, if one of those members suffer, then all the members suffer. Collectively, we are one. Individually, we are also one. Did you get that?

W: Not sure I did.

DF: Not sure I did either, to tell you the truth, so I was hoping you got it. Downloading like this takes paying attention, even for me.

W: You said that collectively as well as individually, we are one. That’s interesting. What I feel in that is that it could be said in another way; collectively and individually, we are many, from which arises our oneness.

DF: And oneness doesn’t exclude individuality, but rather enhances it and backlights it. So, what you are seeking help with today is as an individual who wants to take responsibility for what he is putting in to the collective oneness. That’s oneness contributing to oneness again. Cool huh?

W: I think so, but I’m not sure I’m getting your point. Is it one of those things that I need to meditate on to let in deeper?

DF: I’m not really sure of my point either, Wayne. I told you, you already had this figured out, but you still wanted to talk, so I just figured to feel it together and see where it takes us. I suspect it will turn up something good, but I can’t guarantee it. It’s up to both of us as well as the universe.

W: I’m good with that actually, really good, in fact. Fresh home-cooked is way better than canned.

DF: Okay, hang on, something’s coming. I think we got onto why all it takes is one. I know that’s a pretty saying, but this has some traction here. If the oneness of the individual contributes to the oneness of the collective, then all it takes for that to be initiated into consciousness is for it to be embodied in one, and oneness takes it into being.

W: Are you saying that I could single handedly change the world?

DF: Yes and No. It takes the whole world to change the world, as seed and plant and soil and air and sun are needed. While that’s true, what is also true is that any change that comes into the world always begins as a single seed. So, in this, every action and choice you make are sending out waves of deep change into the collective as single seeds being introduced into consciousness. You changing you, changes the collective and is an essence of the oneness you all are together.

W: So none of us are out changing one soul at a time here?

DF: The only soul that can be changed one soul at a time is yours, you to you. And if you change, all change.

W: I can’t help but feel an energy that counters the energy you are feeling though, Father. I mean, the more I have changed, the more undesirable humanity, at times, has felt to me. It felt like I left them behind, rather than changed them.

DF: But the humanity you embody means that you changed humanity’s way of being by embodying it in seed form, that was planted by your being, in real time, in real human relationships and circumstance. I think, Wayne, what the universe is offering, as we wade into feeling this domain together about healthy boundaries is that you and everyone of your kind is actually so much bigger than you have until now conceived, but is now unstoppably dawning on your horizon. You are simply an early adopter of what humanity itself is desiring. You didn’t come up with this quandary of how to be more authentic and agile in relationships. The universe came up with it and you volunteered. The entire human race and universe holds the desire.

W: So that makes me a vessel, as we used to say in Christianity.

DF: … a true vessel of honor, for sure. Divinity, no less.

W: Okay, Christianity would choke on that part.

DF: It takes all of humanity choking on this part to finally come to it.

W: So there’s a time factor though that we need to get some patience around?

DF: Not for you, Wayne. You get to have it now. I mean, does that feel real?

W: I get to be a first partaker like you said yesterday, and that is having it now, because I’m holding it for all, not just for me. When the all comes to living it out in conscious reality is not when my fulfillment kicks in. It kicks in now. And my future now won’t be any better as my present now.

DF: I’m surprised by where this went today, Wayne. I figured we were going to talk about healthy boundaries in some other way, but somehow, this piece was needed first and all I can say is stay tuned, and to be continued. My down loader needs a break.

W: I will stay tuned. Thank you for this ride. I’ll be looking forward to where we go. This one doesn’t feel complete.

DF: Time for a siesta.

W: Si, Senor.

Wayne Vriend is a co-founder of Soulfullheart Community, healer and author of 90 Days With Yeshua. Visit for more information.

Every Relationship Is a Cultivated Cult With A Culture: Divine Father Dialogues Day 22

Wayne's Mandala

W: Good Morning Divine Father.

DF: Good Morning Wayne.

W: That was so good yesterday, it’s still moving through me. I had curiosity coming up in my dreams last night.

DF: I don’t think we finished it either.

W: No, I think we just ‘decoupled’ cuz we were full.

DF: Where to now, Wayne?

W: I was hoping you knew.

DF: I think you have a tab on what’s next, or let’s wait a moment till you do.

W: Yeah, you’re right. I think I do. A part of me, Marvin actually, was feeling this morning as we lay awake before dawn, in the birdsong that he missed connections with people from my past, to share the kind of curiosity that we spoke about yesterday. Then we felt how when people hold judgments about us, how that curiosity isn’t allowed out to play and dance between us. I mean, Marvin holds that it’s a cool thing to be curious about even if the person stayed in one place and hardly changed a thing. Like, how is that done? But, when people feel my path isn’t valid because of my beliefs or values or choices, that leaves us really no ground on which to dance, except maybe some kind of oppressive polite niceness.

DF: What do you make of that, as you call it ‘oppressive polite niceness’ when it’s energized by people towards you?

W: It feels very much like a learned behaviour, that I am all too familiar with, having become skilled in it for much of my life. And it feels very cult-like, too. It has all the markings of a cult.

DF: I know you’ve thought through the subject of cults, Wayne. I recall you and Yeshua discussing it in a really alive way. I’d like to discuss it with you some more and see where we might take it.

W: I’d like that a lot.

DF: Why don’t you start off by sharing where you’ve already come to in your not-so-mainstream picture of cults?

W: Okay. Let’s see if I can encapsulate it. Well, first off was the assertion that when any two or more of us enter a relationship, we are actually forming a cult. I know, people’s definition for the word cult doesn’t fit that, but therein lies a deep misunderstanding about relationships. What we tend to refer to as cults are the proven harmful ones, but in that projection, we are able to project onto them the harm that we are in fact responsible for inside of the many cults we have joined. Every relationship has it’s own ‘culture’, that is ‘cultivated’ which is the essential nature of worship; the need to belong and to conform to get love and to avoid rejection, same exact stuff that makes up a monster cult. In other words, none of us get to not belong to cults. Just belonging to humanity is a cult in itself. Just ask any other animal.

There’s the human cult, the family cult, the country cult, the mate-ship cult, the workplace cult, the school cult, the friends cult, the men cult, the women cult, and on and on. If we can accept this fact, then we can finally own and take responsibility for how we are treating others and how we are letting ourselves be treated. Short of that awakening, we are simply playing out other people’s uninteresting, unexamined and far too often repeated stories. Does that about cover it, Father?

DF: Just about…what I’d add to that is the piece about not only are cults the place where harm occurs, they are the only place where any good can occur. Considering that the human is a social animal, and gets their needs met only through relationship and interaction, then joining a cult is your only hope. Best though to find one you like, and examine the ones you’re in.

W: It’s like, Father, how we discussed that any and all healing comes through the agency of relationship (with self, others and the divine). It’s cool, Christopher pointed out yesterday that the root of the word curiosity is not only from the root of ‘care’, but also from the same root of ‘cure.’ Care and cure comes to us by the agency of alive relationship based in true curiosity. Those stuck in any cemented belief structure can’t embody true curiosity because they are focused on paving the world over. No relationship needed there, only surrender to empire and dictatorship.

DF: Which really gets to a defining point, Wayne. Well, let’s summarize a moment and then see where the point fits. First, we’re all in cults, several in fact. Awake to that. Take responsibility for that. Cults cause great harm for the very same reason they can cause great healing. It’s because they are people in relationship and connection.

What makes for the difference and definition between a harmful or a healthy cult is the degree of true curiosity about the world, about people, about love, about relationships. Any group bent on recruiting members is long past whatever formation they may have had in a phase of true curiosity, and is now entrenched in packaging ‘Thee Truth’ with a capital ‘T.’ There is so strikingly little actual relating going on in that cult, be it any cult of two or more, that it is a wonder it can persist into the future. There’s a curiosity right there.

W: So you’re saying that say a couple for instance, or a friendship that has lost it’s curiosity about each other is into this dead and harmful phase where they have lost any awareness of the power of relationships, for either great good or great harm, or anything in between.

DF: It’s a pretty simple test really. Curiosity in relationships is so nourishing in its’ presence and so impoverishing in its’ absence.

W: So, Father, what do we do with the cults we’re in that we unknowingly and even quite innocently signed up for, that don’t feel alive anymore?

DF: Well, first, I’d say, let go of the ‘bloom where you’re planted’ idea. You done bloomed here a long time ago and all that’s left is a husk and maybe a burial. You need to do what any sane person does on a sinking ship or in a burning building is find an exit, or a lifeboat. You may have unconsciously got in, but you need to consciously get out. That means getting you out of the cult and getting the cult out of you and doing whatever it takes to affect that. Of course, it will be costly, but remaining in the harmful cult will cost you more, and only someone suicidal, and lost in self hatred would remain upon realizing where they are.

W: What about all the painful relationship losses involved?

DF: Cult members who are embedded deeply in the cult don’t have any good will, let alone curiosity about some one whose bailing on the cult. You can’t expect them to. Only someone on the edge of leaving like you would have any resonance with your choices and choose to leave with you. Most though, when they are faced with the choice of leaving you or leaving the cult, it’s the cult that wins out almost all the time. Anything different is very rare. That’s because humans aren’t actually able to be outside of cults. Even the individual all by them self is made up of several parts, who are in a culture together, hence a cult, otherwise known as a personality.

W: This is good stuff, Father.

DF: Hey, man. This is our cult. We gotta keep it running on the good stuff.

W: I guess it is our cult, huh?

DF: Sure it is, Wayne. Every relationship is totally and completely a cult, that needs to be acknowledged, seen for what it is, and taken accountability for what it is producing and spreading in the world.

W: So, if it’s unavoidable to do life without doing cults, then we need to embrace that fact. I guess I’m repeating myself, Father. Do you know what edge I’m trying to get at just now?

DF: Hang in there, it’ll come back.

W: It’s coming back. Okay, the big bad cult I joined and gave a bunch of myself too, and who did me harm and all of that….I joined that, I stayed in that, I gave strength to that, I put money in that, I was part of the harm it did to others, I loyally spurned the others who left, just by staying, and in it all, I pulled the trigger on true curiosity. And if I did all that, then it wasn’t done to me. That means I’m not a victim. If anything, I victimized myself. Yes, there were harmful assholes in the cult who hurt me, but I let them. I approved the harm I received.

DF: Yes! Which means the pain and the harm was all about learning.

W: And the learning could only and ever be all about love.

DF: Because love is the sole and only substance in the universe. Harm only serves to define and offer a contrast to love.

W: So, when you’re ready, celebrate the cult you joined, that arguably diminished you. The only reason it could diminish you is because you are in fact so much bigger and you needed and even chose the experience, in order to come to terms with this bigness. No cults, no growth.

DF: We may not be done with this one, Wayne, may need to pick it up tomorrow.

W: Maybe we’ll never be done on this one.

DF: Good point. Cults are popping up by the second.

W: Like beans in the garden. I think it’s my turn to water.

DF: Hasta Manana?

W: Yes, hasta manana.

Wayne Vriend is a co-founder of Soulfullheart Community, healer and author of 90 Days With Yeshua. Visit for more information.

The Hearth Of The Heart: Divine Father Dialogues Day 25

Wayne's Mandala

W: Hello Father.

DF: Hello Wayne.

W: Father, I’m feeling a bit depressed actually and I’d like your help to feel what is here to feel.

DF: What is here to feel?

W: Well, I’ll tell you as much as I know. Yesterday was a bunch of different people in email, and all of them felt so disconnected to me in how they communicate with no reverence for relationship. It seems the facebook level of relating is where they’re at. That feels so depressing to me. Then there is feeling some tension about money. We started talking about budgeting the remains of our nest egg, which sounds more like that bad word of rationing. There feels like a tension in that, but also a longing to be more and more free of serving mammon, and of seeing the world through that false lens. That’s what I can feel of what’s on the surface, but underneath, I get a need that is surfacing is a desire to connect more and more with the soul aspect part of me, that I call my Daemon.

DF: Well, let’s look at all 3 of those together.

W: Thank you, I’d like that.

DF: When you chose the many times that you have to leave the collective ways of relating and the collective ways of being intimate with people, you put both a distance between you and them as well as made a pact with yourself and them that would serve them. As a soul, you knew you could not serve them in their journey to a deeper place without going there yourself, but in going there, you had to let go of the conscious relationship with them, knowing that remaining in bonds that were not alive would prevent you from going to the deeper place yourself. By exiting a dead relationship out of a desire for more, you actually entered a soul intimacy with the soul of that person. This often leaves you with a feeling of your needs going unmet, especially when people who seem to like something about you can’t communicate with any grounded desire or feelings. Is this going in for you, Wayne?

W: Yes, it’s going into my heart. I need to hear this from you today and whatever more you have to say about it.

DF: Okay, thanks for the welcome and the desire. So, I’d like for you to feel the sacred pact you have with every person you relate with. In choosing to live into your most authentic self, and following where that takes you, especially in regards to who is and who is no longer in your life, you set up a hearth in your heart for that soul. If they want to and when they are ready, and when it feels safe enough, they will let you serve them. On your part, it is a willingness to have nothing with them if you can’t have everything with them. However, it really isn’t ending up with nothing, even if there isn’t a reconnection with the person.

W: I feel my heart expanding as you’re talking, and the depression lifting. I feel you energizing a hearth in your heart towards me. Can you say more about how it isn’t having nothing?

DF: Sure, let’s feel all we can about that. First, what comes is that remaining in a dead bond with anyone is co-signing and medicating each others’ mutual stuckness in life. It is using another in the most profound sense, that isn’t actually lessened by the mutuality of it. It is a willingness both to harm and to be harmed. On a soul level, there is no greater offense to love. However, becoming conscious of this dynamic in relationship and choosing to end it, is giving a great gift to yourself and the other. On a soul level, you received the opportunity to give your deepest gifts to an other, and in turn to all others. What it cost you to make that choice and to live in the vacancy of that choice is what makes the gift so incredibly valuable. The value of this gift you are the rightful first partaker of, because you can only give what you have received and what is yours to give. On a soul level, Wayne, this is learning what you came here to learn and fulfillment on a level that cannot be higher.

W: Father, I’m agreeing with what you are saying and I feel it touching me deeply, but I need to ask why then do I come up against a depressed energy in myself?

DF: In your choice of words, Wayne, I feel an expectation that there shouldn’t be any coming up against something. The present state of relationships is profoundly depressing. To be around it in other people and to receive their words and communications, especially in email, is an off gassing on their part trying to find some relief from the pain they live in, but seek to sidestep. On a soul level, that is a big fuck you to your soul. Their soul knows what your soul has chosen and has marked you as both unsafe and a target in many cases. This facebook level of communication may seem so innocuous and disconnected, but it is in fact has a whole lot more going on that meets the eye. If your awareness of this dims, it will manifest as a backpressure of depression. Some of the depression is a result of the disowned depression in others you are communicating with, and some is feeling the depression of seeing your life from the extremely limiting mundane lens where your being looks insignificant and meaningless. This depression however is a clarion call to come back to feel this on a soul level.

W: My goodness, you answer a question with such a world expanding reply, that I’m not quite sure where to go next. I think what sticks out for me though is the ‘fuck you to my soul’ thing you mentioned. Why would I want to be in a love pact like you said earlier with people kicking and kicking hard at me?

DF: I knew you’d ask for more on that. I’m glad you did actually, because it gets to the heart of something, and in that heart is a hearth that touches and nourishes deeply, it enables you to keep going with joy. The soul essence of the human being is where the deepest love and the deepest hurts are to be had. Serving souls in a love pact is what effectively neutralizes all harm that a soul is putting out. You’re only showing up for the good part, and the harm part falls back on them, calling to them to find their courage to heal, and to choose. You just need to know what comes with the territory and keep your healthy boundaries. Your yes and no are what keeps the good in and bad out.

W: I like that.

DF: I thought you would. And it feels like we covered all 3 things you started out with?

W: We did.

DF: …and how so for you?

W: Well, we opened up wide a deep soul perspective on real relationships. That in turn addresses the money anxiety in that my needs are met by giving the deepest gifts I have in the world, rather than trying to pawn myself off as a house painter, which is what it would amount to going forward for me now. Earning money in the old way I did for so many years actually isn’t very secure at all as it isn’t connected to my deepest and present gifts. And the third thing I was asking for help on was a deeper connection with my daemon, and I so felt you watering him and I feel him taking in deeply all of your words and what feels like a deep desire on his part to live into these soul realities as my daily conscious realities from which my feeling states and awareness arise.

DF: Anything else I can help you with?

W: Not till tomorrow I’m afraid, you nailed it.

DF: Great, and would you be willing to stay on the line for a short survey about the service today?

W: Haha…

DF: Isn’t it fun only having yourself to report to?

W: …as well as the whole world to report to?

DF: Totally. Tomorrow then?

W: Yes. Thank you, Father.

W: You are so welcome.

Wayne Vriend is a co-founder of Soulfullheart Community, healer and author of 90 Days With Yeshua. Visit for more information.

Vulner-ability: The Ability To Be Hurt – Divine Father Dialogues Day 24

Wayne's Mandala

DF: Hey Wayne, I can feel you aching over something. Would you like to talk?

W: Thank you, Father, yes, I would.

DF: What is it?

W: I’m feeling all that we talked about around curiosity lately, and a deep well of feeling is coming up for me.

DF: Please, tell me all about it.

W: It’s really been a lifelong feeling really, but it got pushed up around a couple email exchanges this past couple weeks. People from my past that I hadn’t spoken with in years contacted me, but in their contact didn’t ask a single question inquiring into my life. There wasn’t any curiosity about why we moved to Mexico, or how it was for Jillian and I since we, under pressure, left the group that they remained in until it disintegrated last month. There wasn’t an acknowledgment of Jillian having written a book about our experiences inside of the group. They felt they were exiting a cult like trance and one also apologized for past treatments of us at the time of our exit. The apology was meaningful, but that there doesn’t seem to be a desire for any further connection undergirding the apology, other than for a light facebook level of exchange, which to me feels like the opposite of intimacy. That feels so painful. It’s like part of them is saying ‘this is all you get of me.’ I wept and wept as I watered the garden this afternoon.

DF: Ouch, Wayne, I feel how deep this goes into your heart.

W: Thank you, Father, for feeling this ache in me. I so need to be felt in it. I know it’s related to my life path, since a teenager, always leaving early the circles I joined when I sensed that my desire for deeper community wasn’t able to be realized any further there. I accepted the growth I’d received in being in the group and the personal relationships I made inside, but acknowledged that the time had come to move on. I was surprised how crystal clear and unmistakable the guidance was for me at each of these moving on places.

DF: I feel your heart breaking, but breaking open. I’m so honored to be around a man who is willing to want and ache for more of what you know is out there.

W: I love feeling your honor, Thank you, and you’re right, I do know it is out there because I found it in my sacred friendship with Christopher and my sacred romance with Jillian. Part of what is hard to bear is to be in the deep goodness of what I have and not being felt by open hearted people outside of our connection, who can feel what I have. It’s more than just an opportunity for sharing. It’s the magic of feeling a heart open other feel me, and me getting to feel that in real time.

DF: I feel how it has been like a lifelong search for true family for you, Wayne. I feel too how you honor each setting you were engaged in rather than have any disdain for what the universe brought you. In that, there is a sacred recognition that you needed the time that you did in each setting you were invested in.

W: Yes, the investment needed to be fully in. Anything less would only have been to wallow in something, and to lack the movement that the relationship was meant to give me. When you speak to me not having disdain, that’s a tricky one, because I do have frustrations and even judgments towards people I have been close with in the past.

DF: But the difference is that in your judgment and frustration, there isn’t a superiorizing, or a withholding of love. Part of coming to terms with realness is accepting that everyone has tons of judgments going on, both negative and positive towards those they are in relationship with. It’s not the judgments that hinder a relationship, it’s the disowning of them, and pretending they aren’t there.

W: And it feels like that the only way to not be stuck in superiorizing and withholding love is be honest and transparent about the judgments. It’s impossible to not have judgments; it’s what we do with the judgments that make for a closed or an open heart.

DF: There’s an ocean of wisdom in that for anyone ready to take it in, and a lifetime of practice for the one who wants to come into more and more realness.

W: If they are ready for the immediate and relentless life changes it will bring to them.

DF: Yes, let’s don’t forget the price tag. This is about conditional love, that’s love with a cost and a price, that isn’t free. Where we started feeling today is the ache in you that you were willing to feel. That willingness both earned you something and cost you something. All of this praise for unconditional love is one big smokescreen of the emotional cripple who is demanding that his mommy keep looking after him, but he’s in his forties now and he actually needs to look after himself.

W: And what else it does is, Father, is to keep our very real judgments in all of our relating somehow off the radar, and unprocessed.

DF: In one big toxic soup of relationship called family.

W: Okay, there’s a judgment right there.

DF: And did you have a judgment about my judgment?

W: I had a bit of a reaction of imagining people choking on your choice of words, putting down family.

DF: And I have a bit of a reaction to your reaction, Wayne, because I actually have real love and respect for family that those who claim to be in defense of it actually can’t embody because of their falseness of being.

W: I agree, thank you, and it’s interesting, you defended your truth with another judgment.

DF: We are all so full of judgments that any strategy of sidestepping the judgments we have towards others and those coming at us from others is just plain infantile. There you go, another judgment.

W: We have been immune to reality in our picture of what relationship is. Relationship is something that gets its’ reality by being in reference to something from which it draws it sense of reality. Real relationships reference transparency and honesty as their guiding light. False relationships reference their sense of realness to politeness and obscurity, which kills intimacy. Then relationship itself becomes another drug to medicate the pain of what’s missing in the relationship.

DF: We’re waxing a clarity here, Wayne, and that feels important, to break through the falseness and create a safe and sacred place to begin anew.

W: I feel that, so much, Father, because as we are having this dialogue, I am still feeling the raw place in me that aches to have this something new that we are describing as missing. Do you think it’s safe for me to be putting this on-line and making it public?

DF: I do and I’ll tell you why. Your boundaries have grown to a place where you know what you will and will not settle for in relationship. That’s where the safety comes from. That’s not authority over anyone else, where you can demand anything. This is authority over your self that makes you the author of your self alone, where the entire story coming from your life, you take accountability for. Story telling is giving account after all. My sense for you is that if you weren’t willing to lead this out loud and in public, you wouldn’t be in your self-authority, you’d be living someone else’s reality.

W: When you say ‘leading this out loud,’ what do you mean by ‘this’?

DF: Embodying vulnerability. Nothing more, nothing less.

W: And how do you define vulnerability?

DF: Being vulnerable is being woundable. Only someone who can actually be hurt and feel the hurt is in an open hearted place. Only to the degree that someone has received love and healing of past hurts is the degree that they can bear the possibility of new hurt, which is being in relationship open-heartedly.

W: And how is that not being a doormat?

DF: It is only as a person hasn’t yet felt their own hurts that they are capable of hurting others, as well as being hurt. The self worth and self authorship that comes to a person healing the hurt inside causes them to no longer draw or accept hurtful behavior in relationships. They know both when to enter and when to leave a relationship. The person who is letting others hurt them repeatedly is actually trying to become vulnerable to having a feeling experience of their own hurt inside of them, that can move them towards true healing.

W: I like learning more about being open hearted, being willing to be hurt, and yet not being okay with being hurt when the other won’t take accountability.

DF: or be okay when someone won’t seek to match you in vulnerability.

W: This so gets to the criteria for a healthy relationship.

DF: And a whole lot of fun, if you’re ready for it.

W: Thank you, Father. I’m ready for some more fun.

DF: Good, then get ready for it.

Wayne Vriend is a co-founder of Soulfullheart Community, healer and author of 90 Days With Yeshua. Visit for more information.

The Cult Of Family: Dialogues With Divine Father Day 23


Wayne's Mandala

W: Hello again, Divine Father.

DF: Hello again, Wayne.

W: I wondered, Father, if we have more to talk about regarding cults.

DF: I’ll bet we do.

W: Okay, let’s go there then.

DF: What about the family cult, Wayne?

W: The family cult is the first cult we join and as such is so engrossing, that we are so embedded in it, within our larger cult of society.

DF: I think maybe you need to lead this on a personal note, Wayne, to make it more real for anyone reading this. Tell a bit of your story around family if you feel okay doing that.

W: Okay. I think I can do that. For a number of years now, I have had almost no interaction with any family. It was not the typical ‘we don’t see eye to eye on things’ that led us apart. It was me advocating for change within the family dynamic, while letting go of the faith I was raised in. My mother tried to keep that together by suggesting we all could get along in the midst of our differences. Which essentially meant, still being apart of family gatherings and just not talking about any of the differences. With me leaving the Christian faith, and in their judgments of me, and me being in judgment of them for being so unwilling to look beyond their borders, it left us only in clash, covered over with a polite, but toxic pleasantness.

DF: What’s been the difficult part of your choices?

W: I chose to leave the family cult, but I didn’t want to leave any one of them. I was attached to them, and largely couldn’t imagine my life without them. I raised my daughters into their late teens with the hope and desire that these would be two treasured women enriching my life into my mid life and golden years. The family connection spread through parents, grandparents, sons and daughters, aunts, uncles, cousins, nieces and nephews was and is a potent connection with many nourishing things that I to this day miss, but also with a huge toxic element that I am relieved to no longer be a part of. The difficult part of my choices has been knowing that in all likelihood, most wouldn’t be able to join me on my journey, and with me not willing to be any longer in any kind of falseness with them, that this meant parting paths. This means lovingly letting them go, and letting my bond with them go, but with an open door.

DF: Say more about the open door.

W: The door is open in that I would welcome contact from any family member if there were genuine curiosity and respect for me, including my choices and values. This is the same condition that I wish that they would hold for themselves in every relationship they have.

DF: Can you say more about what it’s like now for you to be in life without the family connection?

W: I feel a peacefulness inside of myself, as well as a love for each one of them. There isn’t the conflictual tugging on each other.

DF: So why is family rated so highly, Wayne, when admittedly most find it so hard to tolerate, and even dislike with a passion?

W: This feels like an interview, Father, I think I feel your tack here and I’m really enjoying your interested questions, and your desire I feel to put this out there for anyone ready to embrace it.

DF: Nothing like the learning that occurs in the university of true curiosity in relationality.

W: I feel the death grip we have on the family cult and why it is so pervasive has to do with the deepest vulnerability of being human. We are clearly meant to be in family. It’s just that if we settle for the current working definition of family, that only ensures that we will never be a part of true family.

DF: Why’s that?

W: It’s interesting that the word family and familiar are so close in origin, yet the energy of family is conformity to belong rather inquiry into individual uniqueness, which would lead to real familiarity with oneself. For the individual to grow, they must chose to become familiar with themselves outside of the family. I feel why family as we know it today is so praised and so valued and revered in and across our many cultures is that it serves as the perfect excuse for the individual not to grow, to not risk, to stay safe where they are.

DF: Wayne, okay, now you’re tweaking me so much I have to jump in.

W: Good, I was feeling a bit wordy.

DF: What I wanted to add was that only as an individual is in exploration with themself, or as you and I like to say, with themselves, as in getting to know their parts, are they out of the flat line existence where they have something alive to bring to relationship.

W: …where they could be valued as interesting and meaningful because they are contributing to something alive instead of cosigning a pact to stay dead as is the case of what we agreed is family today.

DF: Co-signing a pact to stay in deadness. Is it really that stark, Wayne, to you?

W: From my experience, and inside of me, it is nothing less than that. All wounding and all healing happens inside of relationship, and as we said yesterday, all relationships are in fact a cult unto themselves. It will take new cults and new relationships to take us out of the old and into the new. I feel I have inhabited that and lived my way into that to prove it to myself, and offer a landing place to anyone else who feels this is also their truth and who’d like to live into this reality for themselves. And you know what, Father?

DF: What?

W: Christopher has prepared dinner, and I’m hungry.

DF: This was perfect, Wayne, go eat. We’ll pick up soon.

W: Thank you, Father, for the interview.

DF: You’re welcome.

Raphael Awen is co-creator and facilitator of the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life.  Visit the SoulFullHeart website  for more information about virtual sessions with him.

Return To Curiosity: Dialogues With Divine Father Day 21

 Wayne's Mandala

W:  Hello Divine Father.

DF: So where are we going today, or should I say, where are you going? Today’s your turn at downloading. I get to do a whole lot of listening.

W: That’s what I like about you, Father, you listen as well as you speak.

DF: That’s a compliment that I like. Thank you.

W: Well, you’re welcome.

DF: So, I’m listening…

W: I’d like to talk, Father, about curiosity in relationships. It’s becoming more and more of a thing I look for and need with people. I need them to be curious about me. I have to matter to them, for me to be nourished by them. Without that inquiry into who and what I am, I am left unnoticed, untouched, and uncared for. And the reverse of course is also true. By that I mean, if I, or some part of me, disallows a curiosity and inquiry about the other persons path, I also block my own nourishment.

DF: I like listening today. Sounds like you’re on a roll. And, I’m curious about you speaking of curiosity today. What’s going on that it comes up for you?

W: Thanks for feeling that, and asking that, Father. There’s been a few email exchanges with people from our distant past, led by them, where the level of inquiry into our life choices and changes is on the level of something like, ‘wow, you must be getting a killer tan,’ without a single curiosity or inquiry about why we chose this or what led to this. Not even, I see you write quite a bit on your blog, I’ll have to take that in.

DF: Thanks, Wayne, for making this personal. I hate purely philosophical or idealistic discussions.

W: I know, keeping things in the realm of ideal is another way people don’t let themselves be nourished or nourishing. It’s like part of them says, if I have to live with scraps, then so do you, so here’s my mental and non personal analysis and expert readout on this subject of discussion.

DF: That’s enough to make me want to go home and kill myself.

W: Please, don’t do that, Father.

DF: Okay, I won’t. I’m just sayin’.

W: I so get the sentiment though. People can get so militant in this disposition, where a part of them is taunting the other with ‘just try and make me care or feel, and you’ll regret it.’ Their defenses are set to ‘don’t care.’ And god help us, it’s way more than just some communication skill is lacking, like where sales people learn the effectiveness about asking about the 3 key conversation openers.

DF: My god, that we have been this long on the planet and that’s what gets the press in books and social media. We’ve so got a ways to go and then some.

W: Thank you for that sentiment, Father. I noticed I like saying your name, Father, I hope that’s okay with you, Father.

DF: I like you saying my name, Wayne. I like that it’s not some bullshit sales tactic. I feel you feel me when you say my name, and it doesn’t have that invasive energy at all to it.

W: So, I know, we’re off track for a moment, but I need to ask ‘what energy do I have when I use your name?’

DF: I think you’re right on track, actually, Wayne. The energy I feel when you use my name is one of curiosity. You land in my world with something to give, and a wanting to engage and be connected.

W: Yumm. Thank you. I feel that when Christopher uses my name, and when Jillian uses my name. It’s not like we need names to keep track in a crowd of three. You know, Father, I changed my name to my middle name 8 years ago, when it felt like my world changed so much that I wasn’t who I had been in so many ways. It wasn’t that I disliked my first name of Marvin, quite the contrary actually. It was that I outgrew it. And what was really interesting is that I don’t think more than a couple people asked me what led to me changing my name, and if someone asked as in really being curious, I struggled a bit to answer because I wasn’t used to being asked to be that personal.

DF: Every being is so uniquely unique, a one in a gazillion, really, that they actually need to dull down their uniqueness in order to not blow people or themselves out of the water. Wait a minute, this is your download today, not mine.

W: Good point, Father, about the uniqueness I mean. You’re welcome to jump in here anytime. That’s the whole ping pong of real conversation, you always come out converted to something deeply alive, and you get to go places where you couldn’t go any other way except through conversation. Wow, what you just said about uniqueness, that it’s vulnerable to be as unique as we actually are, that it’s part of the surrender to being human, to have needs to seen as unique and to have needs to display as unique.

DF: Did I just say that?

W: You sure did, man.

DF: If you say so.

W: Well, we said it together, I guess is more like it, your uniqueness and mine coming out to play. Suppressing our uniqueness is like how the church has tried to suppress sex, which has just made for a whole lot of really lousy sex, no wonder teens are willing ‘save themselves’ for marriage, and priests are willing to swear off on sex, and that porn passes for sex. It’s as vulnerable to have genitals as it is to be carrying around the bank vault of uniqueness that we are.

DF: Just for the record, Wayne. I love sex, and I’m as horny as they come.

W: See, you needed to put that on record didn’t you. I knew that, but you have a need to be known as that. A castrated heavenly father is about as appealing as, …I can’t think of what just now…

DF: …as food without flavour, as conversation without care, as the earth without the sun…

W: Yes, those all work great. Thank you. And all of that screams in our face about the garbage we’ve settled for relationally. Is there any hope for us, Father, or has Facebook actually won the day?

DF: Don’t get me started. Expanded technological capacity to be in community has been mistaken for actually being in community. It’s no different than how what used to be known simply as food has come to be renamed organic food, and all the rest now prepared in factories, engineered in laboratories, and scaled for a profit has come to be mistaken for nourishment.

W: Which all has insidiously taken so much from us and gone so unnoticed, now, we need a chemical to stiffen the cock, an app to have a relationship, and a movie to draw a tear.

DF: I honestly don’t know, Wayne. Most often I lean to that this whole experiment needs to wrap up as a failure and something new needs to come in. And in that, it wasn’t a failure. It served us grandly as a bad example. It was a coming to know what we are not, so we could return to what we are.

W: I think it would be worth it, if it returned us to curiosity.

DF: I do too.

W: Life without curiosity is actually death, except, the person is plagued with the remainder. All they can hope for is relief. The universe actually isn’t sure, what’s worse, the agonal suffering of the individual, or the world bereft of curiosity. Is the cost of the present pain justified? It’s wondering if it’s time to admit the experiment was a failure, so we can be born again. I can feel that we will get there eventually, I’m just curious how.

DF: And that’s what we’re left with Wayne is this alive and fully deep breathing curiosity, where you wake another day, and you rise again to see what the tide brings in, and to be a part of the despair and the hope. All I can say is have as much intercourse as possible to make it all worth it.

W: I hear you Father, intercourse of words and heart, body and genitals, awash with curiosity.

DF: I can’t see you regretting it.

W: Wow, shall we unfasten our seat belts for now?

DF: and continue tomorrow?

W: Yes, tomorrow, Father.

Wayne Vriend is a co-founder of Soulfullheart Community, healer and author of 90 Days With Yeshua. Visit for more information.