W: Hello Divine Father.

DF: Hey Wayne. How are you?

W: I Just got back from a town trip for most of the day, so I feel a bit tired and considered pausing on our dialogue today, but then I suspected that there might be something in a ‘come as you are moment,’ rather than waiting till I feel more wind in my sails. I also would like to show people how connecting with you doesn’t require any special ‘got it all together’ deal, ‘look at how special I am’ kind of thing.

DF: Hallelujah, Wayne and praise Allah. The only thing I hate more than religious pretense is the harm it does to people who are ready and willing to connect, but have excluded themselves having been conned into the religious bullshit. Hell, I’m coming as I am, nothing more, nothing less. So How was town?

W: I always find town disconnected to large degree. There is a pretty thick personal space bubble around each person, other than the little children, who I’d be happiest to go and play with, if the parents would let me. It’s such a world of money and commerce, even here in small town rural Mexico. So, in all of that, I feel a layer of a need for connection with others that doesn’t get met when I go to town. Then being on-line for a couple hours to post and schedule these dialogues also leaves me with a bit of a yuck feeling of disconnect. It seems the internet, that gave us all this possibility of connection, also gave us to the same degree a recoil of genuine communication, and left us with fuckin’ facebook. Not that I’m on facebook, god forbid, but that same energy seems to pervade the internet.

DF: I feel you writing lately about intimacy and community Wayne and then having to compare that with what is around you. I honor that you can be with the dissonance between the two. And I’m sorry that it hurts to feel that discrepancy. AND, thank you for being willing to feel both feelings; the desire and disappointment. It’s in the willingness to feel opposing feelings that a creative alchemy arises in which to bring forth the desired thing.

W: Thank you for feeling that Father, and for reminding me, in such a deeply honoring way. That goes in.

DF: Come as you are works pretty good doesn’t it?

W: Yes, it does. So, If I just heard you right, you said something like disappointment is part of the alchemy of something new arising?

DF: That’s what I said.

W: My whole life, I’ve been conditioned to avoid disappointment, and if I’m stuck with a conscious disappointment over something being delayed or not working out as hoped, to then seek to numb it down with something more desirable to feel. Are you saying that I could come to see disappointment as even a good thing?

DF: I know you’ve had that conditioning Wayne, but you’ve also come a country mile away from that conditioning in being willing to feel what most are unwilling to feel. Disappointment is a true human feeling. Underneath it is always a need. It may be buried a couple layers down, but a true and genuine human need always underlies a disappointment. If someone can make space to feel their disappointment, it reconnects them and grounds them in their own heart. This then allows the alchemy of the real need to bring newness into someone’s life.

W: But how then is feeling disappointment in the way you are describing different from being depressed?

DF: Depression is pretty much the opposite. What I’m talking about is an expression, rather than a depression. A depression is a suppressing of feelings and the needs associated with those feelings, and then numbing it all down. I’m describing feeling it all.

W: Part of me felt a bit ‘complainy’ when I was telling you about my town experience today, like I should just be more positive…

DF: As if that would make you look all connected with the divine…

W: When in truth, it’s just connected to a lot of bullshit.

DF: Anyone who resists feeling anything they deem negative just cuts off half of their feeling experience and that’s what creates depression. Feeling and expressing negative feelings and finding the needs and desires underneath leads to something very different.

W: You called it an ‘alchemy.’

DF: The heart is a way more cooler thing than anyone has begun to see Wayne, me included, for that matter. But a beginning place of seeing the heart is seeing it’s power to transmute stuff, and living your way into it.

W: And then it kinda puts the responsibility back on my shoulders.

DF: Yeah, it does, but in a really cool way. Once you get past playing victim and living without getting your needs met, and learning to do without and all of that, and begin to see the role you play in this alchemy, things change. It takes some courage, like facing the yuk you felt coming back from town, and letting that reconnect you with the ache and desire for intimacy and connection.

W: I’m amazed in the moment Father how this baptizes all of the range of my moment by moment feeling experience into the sacred as well as the empowered.

DF: It so does just that, and it gets easier too with practice, as this reaction to suppress a feeling thins out more and more. A whole new life reality kind of sneaks up on you. It’s one of those things too that needs to be gradual for it to be healthy.

W: A whole new life reality sneaking up on me. I like the sound of that. Isn’t that the allure somehow of soap opera’s, imagining a completely different life for oneself?

DF: People who are stuck in suppressed feelings want out, big time. They weren’t meant to be there. They just can’t see a way out, so an imagination comes in to fill the gap, but real feelings aren’t being consciously felt, so the person stays looping in the disappointment that undergirds their life.

W: Which is another way of being in disempowerment…

DF: Yes, that’s so true, disempowerment cycling in numbness and disconnect until that alchemizes a desire to reach out of that soup for something more. That something more, however, begins in the heart, with a willingness to feel, a willingness to want.

W: and what does it lead to after that?

DF: The alchemy creates something that couldn’t arise any other way, except through this feeling incubator. The person has a different and changing energy about them. Their soul song is resonating in the soularium in new ways. New guidance comes. New ways of being arise. New actions arise too.

W: We tend to look at empowerment as some big deal that we kind of pull off because we’re so hot, but what you’re describing feels like something so grounded compared to that.

DF: Rooted and grounded empowerment is really again the opposite of what we see as powerful. Powerful people cling to power as expressions that serve to demonstrate how undernourished they actually are in life in relation to their real needs. Empowered and grounded people hold authority with a wide open hand and heart, it’s so completely different. Their authority is something that just is, that arises from their essence, that doesn’t need defense and manipulation in order to express.

W: We could so use more examples of that…

DF: Uh, huh, and where do you think those are going to come from?

W: I know where you’re going with that and I feel that inside of me as well. It’s going to come from me Father, if I’m willing.

DF: Are you willing?

W: I am father, especially after talking my disappointment through with you.

DF: Good. Then lead Wayne. Don’t ask permission. Don’t seek to be certified or titled or recognized in order to act. Feel all of this below the waterline stuff and then trust the guidance that arises, especially in the desire department. Desire is literally unfolding life Wayne. Guidance will arise. You might be a bit freaked out how fast and furious it comes. Well, maybe not freaked out, but tweaked out shall we say.

W: I like it Father, all of it. Thank you. I accept the stepping up again of leadership and acting on guidance, as a natural deal that arises from feeling.

DF: I don’t know of anything more masculine Wayne, it’s sacred, it’s empowered, it’s full of love and heart and it embraces the feminine in this way that the universe actually aches for.

W: I know Jillian would be saying ‘yumm’ right about know and giving me those eyes that go along with that.

DF: Yeah. This stuff is meant to be fun, man.

W: Thank you Divine Father, I’m glad I reached out to you.

DF: I’m glad you did too. You weren’t the only one in a funk.

W: Really!?

DF: Today was a bit of a slow day and I was feeling some of the same stuff you were Wayne. I held space for myself as I held space for you.

W: You rock!

DF: I rock!

W: Hasta Manana

DF: Hasta Mananaaaa….

Wayne Vriend is a co-founder of SoulFullHeart Community, healer and author of 90 Days With Yeshua. Visit soulfullheart.com for more information.