By Raianna Shai
I’ve been involved in the SoulFullHeart process for just under a year now, having grown up with Jelelle as my mother, Gabriel as my father, and eventually Raphael as my step father. It’s quite daunting to be led through life by such big, beautiful souls and for a long time, parts of me couldn’t quite let them in. But I started working with Kalayna as her facilitant and now I’m here in Mexico with them, joining them on this journey of ascension, remembrance and love! It hasn’t even been two weeks since I’ve been here and already I’m starting to touch on some pretty intense parts and aspects of myself. What I’ve been feeling the most lately is something that I feel just about everyone can relate to, which is self judgment.
Finally being able to let my family into my heart in a new way has been both transformational and very difficult. I find that a part of me starts spiraling into comparison and judgment or not feeling worthy of this process. Yesterday, I connected with this part, called my Inner Punisher, directly for the first time. This can be a very deep, core wounding for most people it feels like and I’ve felt this frequency as subtly as I have clearly! It’s a hard feeling to grasp and hold onto and define. But getting to know the tones of this part led to a rabbit hole of discoveries. I couldn’t quite get to deep feeling around it just yet but even after touching on it, I could feel how deep and intense this can be.
Healing the Inner Punisher is no easy task as you can imagine… but even with the amount of connection I had with it yesterday, I could take very subtle punisher frequencies in me and make them more present to feel them. I know that I’ve been feeling some self judgement around not writing blogs yet, not being able to “keep up” with all of the readings, not feeling as connected yet to the mystical and magical parts of SoulFullHeart as much as everyone else, etc. but it felt very subtle for a long time. Today it felt much more noticeable after distinguishing more of how this part feels to me and how it comes up in daily life.
There’s a lot of unworthiness around this for me. I know some people feel fear around becoming invisible or not being heard, but this part of me has felt a comfort in being invisible. If it’s invisible, then it doesn’t have to deal with as much criticism or judgement. But the most judgement that’s happening is from this part inside of me. It was okay with not answering questions in school, for example, and getting docked marks for it because at least it could be comfortably hidden.
So then the question came up for me around, if the issue isn’t about being seen or heard, then why is this a sore spot, personally? It feels to me like my higher self wants to write, wants to learn more about the cosmic and magical aspects, wants to feel more and heal more and love MORE. But this part wants to shield me from hurt by being invisible. This is when I get into a state of neutrality. I acquiesce to what others want and often can’t even feel what it is I really want. This part blocks me from feeling anything and I’m just “content”. But the other side of this part is full of intense emotion and passion! It’s scared of its own passion and of scaring people away with it. Because passion is vulnerable, emotions are vulnerable. In feeling this self judgement around it, I’ve drawn people and energies that take advantage of this which drives me deeper down into hiding.
Connecting with this part (who is calling herself Pandora) and giving her space and love has sparked more desire in me already. I feel open, curious, reverential, and joyful even while feeling the deep sadness, pain and especially the neutrality.
Raianna Shai is a SoulFullHeart facilitant and social media maven for SoulFullHeart Way Of Life. Visit www.soulfullheartwayoflife.com for more information about sessions, group calls, videos, community, retreats, etc. Return LOVE in money form: https://www.paypal.me/supportsoulfullheart or visit our Patreon page to become a monthly supporter: https://www.patreon.com/soulfullheart.