Needing To Be Needed VS Wanting To Be Wanted

By Raianna Shai

206

In some ways, it’s a lot easier to be needed than to be wanted. Parts of us even need to be needed, finding self worth in having a job or role to play. This way, you don’t have to involve your own needs or wants into the situation, creating the least amount of tension possible. The recipients of the caretaking in this scenario have some lack going on inside themselves as well. If a friend needs you to hold the space for them to air out their feelings and “solve” their problems, then there’s probably very little space in them that’s able to hold it themselves. There’s nothing wrong with this, it’s just what most of us have been conditioned to do, look to the outside in order to heal what’s going on within. But in the grander scheme of things, how can anyone heal from the outside what’s felt most strongly on the inside?

So, the people and parts that choose to be the ones to focus on “fixing” others end up feeling like their needs are getting met because everyone else is happy. For myself, a part of me loves listening to everyone’s pain and trying to sort through it in order to help them. That way, this part did its “duty” of being a kind person and remaining in good graces with the other. And at an even deeper level, felt like it didn’t have to address the issues going on inside me. I would spend so much energy with this part feeling how to help the other person that there would be no room left for me – or this part!

Recently in session I felt into the idea of being wanted instead of needed. I wanted to feel why it scared this part of me so much. What I came to is that being wanted is vulnerable. Asking the question – does this person want me? – is even more vulnerable. The pain of realizing that the answer could be no is so much to bear that this part of me kept me at a very surface level with everyone so that I didn’t have to feel it. And I felt the deeper pain from this part of not being wanted by me – therefore projecting that out onto others. I remained a nice and smart person and couldn’t let anyone see any deeper than that, securing my identity through those two adjectives. Because if I’m nice and smart enough to be liked and needed, then why ruin that?

When you shift the tables on these parts of you and energize that you want them, not that you need them, an interesting reaction can take place. This part of me felt overwhelmed that he could have his own needs, and not fade into the background. That I want the mess, the contention when necessary for growth, the depth, the gifts, everything that comes with feeling this part as an individual entity, not as a role to play for others. Releasing the hold on this identity and role creates a lot of fear around who you actually are, behind all of the masks.

Asking yourself, am I wanted?, is both terrifying and illuminating. It can also be empowering, to realize your worth and decide that you want more. That you no longer want a relationship that thrives off of the skeletal outline of the bigness you actually are. When you choose to only be wanted and healthily needed, you draw so much more of this. More of what you want and need, more of what you deserve. We all deserve to be felt, to let in and to give love, to know each other’s deepest pains and biggest heart desires, so long as we ask for it and feel the pain that goes along with any possible outcome.

Raianna Shai is a SoulFullHeart facilitant and social media maven for SoulFullHeart Way Of Life. Visit  www.soulfullheartwayoflife.com for more information about sessions, group calls, videos, community, retreats, etc. Return LOVE in money form: https://www.paypal.me/supportsoulfullheart or visit our Patreon page to become a monthly supporter: https://www.patreon.com/soulfullheart.

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When A Mother Becomes A Woman

Me and Mama

I’m feeling so grateful in this moment for my mom, Jelelle Awen. I got a fever and a full body rash a couple of weeks ago and ended up bunking with her and Raphael until now. Last night was my last night before moving into my new place, (granted, it’s a floor below them…) but this period of time healed a lot for parts of me. I spent many years in Canada living with my mom and Raphael but of course, prior to beginning this healing process, I had a very different relationship with them.

I checked in with my 3D protector last night and felt an overwhelm of gratitude and appreciation for not only her mother frequencies when I need them, but also her as a woman. Parents sometimes become these vilified people in our lives, especially as teenagers. They boss you around and have so many expectations for you that may not even fit the picture you have for your life. It’s hard to remember that they have their own pain too, their own desires and wants and needs.

Parts of me tried so hard to push her away when I was younger, not being able to handle her desire for my own bigness. Recently I’ve been reading books that she’s written about certain stages in her life, first Under the Bloated Banyan and now Keep Waking Up. It left me in tears last night, feeling how genuine her pain was. How hard she worked to feel it and heal it all, down to its very core and up to its expansive reach. Then I started to see her as a woman, just like me, and a flood of admiration flowed through me.

She’s mentioned to me a couple of times that she doesn’t want me to go to my new place, despite its proximity. Every time it makes my heart swell because these last few weeks have meant so much to me and felt like they healed something in the way I used to relate to her. Instead of hiding away in my room, my door is wide open, hoping she’ll poke her head in to talk. Part of me feels guilty for the way I treated her then, but it was what I needed to do at the time.

It’s humbling to read these books and feel how much I can relate to some of the things she’s felt. Part of me put her on a pedestal for a long time, and usually not in a good way. It’s also heart opening to feel her pain of being so imaginative and heart open but expressing it in these multidimensional and life changing ways that made some people see her as “weird” or worse. It hurts me to think I, or anyone else, has ever felt her as anything less than she is, a gorgeous soul rooted in love.

One sweet message that came from connecting with my 3D protector is this: “She’s the closest thing to the divine that I’ve been able to let in.” I love you, Jelelle. Thank you for creating SoulFullHeart so I can feel you as a woman and a mother in a whole new light. I’m so glad my soul chose you.

Raianna Shai is a SoulFullHeart facilitant and social media maven for SoulFullHeart Way Of Life. Visit  www.soulfullheartwayoflife.com for more information about sessions, group calls, videos, community, retreats, etc. Return LOVE in money form: https://www.paypal.me/supportsoulfullheart or visit our Patreon page to become a monthly supporter: https://www.patreon.com/soulfullheart.

Halfway Between Base and Crest

By Raianna Shai

180

I lay on my yoga mat after a relaxing bedtime practice. Meditative music plays in the background. I get this sudden feeling of the expansiveness of my soul. Of the other lifetimes occurring in the now that I have yet to connect with. I imagine a huge valley, a Grand Canyon of dips and climbs, all of which lead to my true essence of Divine light.

I realize something. I’m not at the bottom of the canyon. I’m somewhere in the middle, having hit my rock bottom only to choose to climb back up again. But admiring the journey ahead of me, I understand that it’s not a stairway up and up and up. It’s full of both ups and downs, pain and love, tears and laughter.

How could I know the entirety of my essence without dipping down into those low valleys? How could I appreciate the magnificence of the view at the top of a mountain without having started at its rocky base? And it’s not one big uphill climb either. I get to have these stunning viewpoints to stop and let in the beauty surrounding me, so long as I keep going to feel all of the other expansive highs and lows of this diverse landscape.

And I’m not alone on this journey. I get to know these different parts of me that I “collect” as I go. They become my companions, my students, and my teachers. We gain trust and understanding, a deeper sense of the love we have for each other. There are guides too. Human facilitators that are rooting for me on the sidelines, looking back at me from just a few miles ahead in their own journey. Etheric beings boost me over the crest of the mountains and advise my next move when I’m stuck or lost. Animals remind me what’s in my heart and instill in me a sense of purpose and passion.

I feel so grateful for my journey at this moment. For my choice to realize that I’m even on a path to begin with. For my guides, who motivate me with their open hearts and genuine support. For the parts of me that have tried so hard to avoid the valleys, but learn to trust me and hold my hand as we descend. I can’t imagine a more dynamic and worthwhile life to live, this life of going in, going down, rising up and feeling whole.

Raianna Shai is a SoulFullHeart facilitant and social media maven for SoulFullHeart Way Of Life. Visit  www.soulfullheartwayoflife.com for more information about sessions, group calls, videos, community, retreats, etc. Return LOVE in money form: https://www.paypal.me/supportsoulfullheart or visit our Patreon page to become a monthly supporter: https://www.patreon.com/soulfullheart.

Journaling With My Debt

By Raianna Shai

118

You’re not so scary…right? I mean, you certainly have this power to make me quake in my boots but there’s nothing you can aaactually do…right?

For parts of me that’s not true at all. For a part of me debt represents failure. Especially when other people know about it, especially when it affects them.

So I wonder, what is the worst possible scenario that can happen with debt? Well, I could go to jail. Assuming by law it would even be worth it to them to send a young girl to jail for a $5000 loan… That doesn’t feel possible at all though and the thought of that just makes me laugh! Me? In jail? Yeah right… So what are the other consequences that are really hitting home right now? There are the complications of moving back to Canada and trying to get a bank account and ruining my credit. But that still feels so 3D and doesn’t even bother my parts all that much.

Then there’s the emotional response of what other people think of me. Ahhh, there’s the ticket. Other people, always other people. So what do these “other people” represent that make me feel so self conscious to admit that I can’t pay back my loan. Society, perfection, blending in, failure. Everything that takes me off the conveyor belt of conforming to standards and onto an unknown path. A path where you…lead yourself? Where you can…love yourself? That feels so foreign and wonderful and terrifying… So I ask this part of myself, what is it that’s so damn scary about being different and having people see me being different?

“Well, Raianna, it means that they can see me, which means that they can judge me. If I do everything right according to them then I’m inherently invisible. I can’t make anyone uncomfortable, I don’t have to think outside the box, there are rules and regulations that I can follow so I don’t have to think or feel on my own… okay I can see how that might get boring. But it’s so much EASIER!”

I take this in and address my angel cards (a gift I’ve been given to help parts of me bridge to connections with higher frequencies, guides, and the Divine). Interestingly, two out of three cards mention letting go of fear and negative emotions of victimization (the other tells me I should be doing workshops so I guess I’m good at writing about this stuff?). That helped me regain the perspective that I’m not a victim to my circumstance. I can feel the pain behind what debt means to a part of me but it’s also already something I’m working through. I’ve kept myself in a suffering loop over money for so long and even this part of me feels ready to be done with that.

So, as an action to go along with this new perspective and more 5D feeling around debt, I’m going to delete the emails that I’ve been getting about the actions that the loan office will take against me and let go of this debt that keeps me chained to the 3D world. It will no longer be an anchor for me as I heal the pain that lies in being seen and being different. I haven’t chosen an easy path, but I’ve chosen one that calls my very heart and soul, and that, to me, feels so much more fulfilling.

~

Raianna Shai is a SoulFullHeart facilitant and social media maven for SoulFullHeart Way Of Life. Visit  www.soulfullheartwayoflife.com for more information about sessions, group calls, videos, community, retreats, etc. Return LOVE in money form: https://www.paypal.me/supportsoulfullheart or visit our Patreon page to become a monthly supporter: https://www.patreon.com/soulfullheart.

Passion, Power and Purpose: Gifts From Pandora’s Box

by Raianna Shai

Pandora's Box.jpg

Passion.

Floods through me like a river rushing to feel the freedom of an ocean. Carries me through highs and lows, through desire and anger, through love and loss. Fills the untouched and dusty attics of my emotional ceiling. Transforms blank walls into colourful reflections of my soul. Holds my deepest wants and needs with intention and clarity. Gives me the fuel I need to fly.

Power.

Energizes a deluge of self love. Lays down the shield and raises the heart. Turns on the light to reveal the shadows. Lights up from the inside out. Radiates from body to heart to soul to others. Supports the lover to love, the teacher to teach and the leader to lead. Provides the strength to let go of that which no longer serves. Becomes the wind beneath my wings.

Purpose.

Wakes me up in the morning in realness and truth. Wraps up gifts until they’re ready to be opened. Spreads love like a wildfire sparked by truth. Waits to be noticed, watered, and cared for. Remains rooted in the ground, waiting to bloom anew. Supports the human experience. Gives reasons and answers to questions of doubt. Holds me up when I start to fall.   

~

These are the three “P’s” that I’ve been working to unlock. My darkest shadow aspect has been revealed to me as my soul guardian, Pandora. And with her box she keeps my deepest pain, my most intense desires, and my greatest gifts. Up until now, opening that box would mean chaos, horror, loss, and ultimately hell. But with love and growing trust, she’s gained faith in my ability to handle these soul pieces more and more. I’ve felt the fear of dying, the unpredictability of passion, the potential tumultuousness of truth, the strength of power and the nourishment of purpose. I have refused to transcend my fear, but instead to feel its depths and my need for it in the 3D world I chose to inhabit for so long.

I have felt these effects already transmuting into love in its place, giving way to passion, power and purpose. I lived so long in neutrality, acquiescence, and invisibility that was gifted to me by Pandora and my parts in order to avoid the pain that feeling my fear inevitably leads to. Feeling this as a gift has not only fast tracked this process, but it has also nourished the self love inside of me. Of course I want to love every aspect of myself, even those in shadow, because if I can’t do that, how can I truly love others?

My desire for purpose has never felt quite so strong. I feel how even before this process I had a huge desire to heal anyone I could. To give them whatever they needed to feel better or to hopefully feel their pain. After starting this process I tried to give “advice” as best I could but without their desire to go as deeply in as I knew it could go, I struggled to say what they wanted to hear. I took on these energies without feeling myself and had no more room for my own growth. So I stayed stuck in a cycle of needing to be needed. Working with Pandora renewed my sense of excitement in something that helps me grow in order to use my overflowing love to help others in an ever deepening way. I’m so grateful for all that she’s done for me these past 22 years, but we both feel fed up and ready to grow up. Ready to dive into the depths of my soul and catapult into an endless sky of that love that we are.

~

Raianna Shai is a SoulFullHeart facilitant and social media maven for SoulFullHeart Way Of Life. Visit  www.soulfullheartwayoflife.com for more information about sessions, group calls, videos, community, retreats, etc. Return LOVE in money form: https://www.paypal.me/supportsoulfullheart or visit our Patreon page to become a monthly supporter: https://www.patreon.com/soulfullheart.

Meeting My Inner Punisher: Transmuting Inner Punishment With Deep Feeling and Love

By Raianna Shai

4

I’ve been involved in the SoulFullHeart process for just under a year now, having grown up with Jelelle as my mother, Gabriel as my father, and eventually Raphael as my step father. It’s quite daunting to be led through life by such big, beautiful souls and for a long time, parts of me couldn’t quite let them in. But I started working with Kalayna as her facilitant and now I’m here in Mexico with them, joining them on this journey of ascension, remembrance and love! It hasn’t even been two weeks since I’ve been here and already I’m starting to touch on some pretty intense parts and aspects of myself. What I’ve been feeling the most lately is something that I feel just about everyone can relate to, which is self judgment.

Finally being able to let my family into my heart in a new way has been both transformational and very difficult. I find that a part of me starts spiraling into comparison and judgment or not feeling worthy of this process. Yesterday, I connected with this part, called my Inner Punisher, directly for the first time. This can be a very deep, core wounding for most people it feels like and I’ve felt this frequency as subtly as I have clearly! It’s a hard feeling to grasp and hold onto and define. But getting to know the tones of this part led to a rabbit hole of discoveries. I couldn’t quite get to deep feeling around it just yet but even after touching on it, I could feel how deep and intense this can be.

Healing the Inner Punisher is no easy task as you can imagine… but even with the amount of connection I had with it yesterday, I could take very subtle punisher frequencies in me and make them more present to feel them. I know that I’ve been feeling some self judgement around not writing blogs yet, not being able to “keep up” with all of the readings, not feeling as connected yet to the mystical and magical parts of SoulFullHeart as much as everyone else, etc. but it felt very subtle for a long time. Today it felt much more noticeable after distinguishing more of how this part feels to me and how it comes up in daily life.

There’s a lot of unworthiness around this for me. I know some people feel fear around becoming invisible or not being heard, but this part of me has felt a comfort in being invisible. If it’s invisible, then it doesn’t have to deal with as much criticism or judgement. But the most judgement that’s happening is from this part inside of me. It was okay with not answering questions in school, for example, and getting docked marks for it because at least it could be comfortably hidden.

So then the question came up for me around, if the issue isn’t about being seen or heard, then why is this a sore spot, personally? It feels to me like my higher self wants to write, wants to learn more about the cosmic and magical aspects, wants to feel more and heal more and love MORE. But this part wants to shield me from hurt by being invisible. This is when I get into a state of neutrality. I acquiesce to what others want and often can’t even feel what it is I really want. This part blocks me from feeling anything and I’m just “content”. But the other side of this part is full of intense emotion and passion! It’s scared of its own passion and of scaring people away with it. Because passion is vulnerable, emotions are vulnerable. In feeling this self judgement around it, I’ve drawn people and energies that take advantage of this which drives me deeper down into hiding.

Connecting with this part (who is calling herself Pandora) and giving her space and love has sparked more desire in me already. I feel open, curious, reverential, and joyful even while feeling the deep sadness, pain and especially the neutrality.

~

Raianna Shai is a SoulFullHeart facilitant and social media maven for SoulFullHeart Way Of Life. Visit  www.soulfullheartwayoflife.com for more information about sessions, group calls, videos, community, retreats, etc. Return LOVE in money form: https://www.paypal.me/supportsoulfullheart or visit our Patreon page to become a monthly supporter: https://www.patreon.com/soulfullheart.