By Raphael Awen
Try as I would, quite a number of years ago now, I would often fall asleep watching movies with my ex-wife and 2 daughters. I wanted to be there for sure, but other parts of me were deep into other life content. ‘I’ had the cover of just being sleepy on a tummy full of pizza after a long day’s work, and would do the all too familiar drift off on the couch, until I heard the ‘Just go to bed, Dad’.
We are collectively at a similar place in the narrative right now, except the movie is being played out in real life, kinda like live streaming. Many are asleep and just can’t wake up, and I would say, that even though that is disappointing and even tragic to those of us who are awake, it feels like them remaining asleep is what is meant to be, by their higher selves.
Not all of consciousness needs to be awake at the same time for the awakening to occur. It feels more like some of us need to be asleep for the awakening to occur as those that are asleep anchor another polarity aspect of the collective movement. We are all in this together at a higher level achieving the same thing, for the one being that we are.
It’s distressing to us when we feel a distance creep in though between us and our loved ones when we can’t enjoy or be moved by the same movie, now finding ourselves even taking roles within a larger real life story that are ‘against’ one another.
In my awakening and the underlying anxiety of awakening first and losing connection with family and friends, I found myself trying to embody being the best example for them, which worked for a time, giving part of me a sense of mission and purpose playing the ‘being the largest soul in the room’ game. Eventually though, I reached the edges of the no-go boundaries as I pressed against the Christian fundamentals we were all apart of. Here, my friends and family were clearly faced with a loyalty to Jesus and God, vs a loyalty to me. It’s quite a pretzel for a family to go through and it was a slow moving unexpected cataclysm for all of us in many ways. They advocated for a ‘let’s just agree on what we do agree on’ kind of stance, while also being unwilling to talk openly about how they felt I was deceived. I eventually dropped my end of the rope though in this conflict realizing a couple things. One was that I could no longer be in relationships with people who held both love for me along with hidden disdain for me, as I was finding and feeling the parts of myself that had disdain for each other, and coming to deep personal self love reconciliation. The other realization was about how my tugging on friends and family when they were resistant to me was another unhealthy recapitulation of ‘making do with crumbs’ when life was offering me a full meal.
Choosing yourself at these junctures of life changes the timelines and trajectories of your life big time. It also undermines some of our deepest existential securities, or insecurities rather, about family ‘always being there for you’. I personally have sons in laws and grandchildren I haven’t met because of the playouts of these choices. The pain of that has been processed and felt at the time of the choice and it now actually lives in me as my highest love gift to myself, them and the universe to be living a separated timeline and having no contact while we are living planets apart in values and belief systems. To be shrinking in a patched together pretense of harmony, with underlying and unprocessed disdain would only be something that could work for me if it was an outer reflection of an inner reality. If you change the inside, you will naturally come to mirror that change outside in life as all of this has a one to one correlation, inviting you to choice points to be able to go on to your next growth points.
This is the real life movie, where the price of admission is your life as you currently know it, negotiated out one self loving step at a time, but costly nonetheless. It’s costly because you are, as Jesus spoke to in a parable, selling all that you have to purchase the pearl of great price, that you surprisingly stumbled upon. You are leaving one cult in favour of another. You’re switching theatres mid movie. You are choosing your higher timeline. The price of admission is now seen as small having seen what the new story is about that life and you are admitting yourself into.
If you can’t see it this way, it may well be that you aren’t meant to. None of us are until we are, and god forbid that we would arrive at any such choice point before being readied for it to ample degree to be able to walk it out. Togetherness or integrity requires for you to live in deepest conscious alignment with your deepest values and beliefs, and anyone trying to tug on you to see otherwise is either wasting their time or just being abusive from the ground of their own insecurities. ‘They’, the ones you are letting go, need this as much as you do. Peace comes when a self permission and respect extends from your own insides, the kind you have ‘you to you’ that then extends to others along with your boundary of what you cannot be a part of any longer. A new alignment of sovereignty occurs where family members go on accepting this as a co-created reality.
There isn’t any way you living into your bigness won’t present you with painful choice points, but my truth is opting for the new and larger pair of shoes, will alleviate a lot more pain in the end. Resisting your own growth is the deeper ‘suffering over suffering’. We all have unavoidable pain in growth, the key though is to find where we are in a stuck suffering loop. We are not meant to live in managed ongoing suffering. We are meant to go through a compressing birth canal into a brave new and exciting world.
I have found that alive new world socially and personally for myself, while also feeling an open heart towards those co-actors from the previous stages of my life, that we all wrote together. I can love the people in my present as gifts to my growth and learning with an open hand similarly, having found an ever deepening home in my own heart, that no loss can ever take from me.
Ultimately, we let go of every relationship we form, and every thing we obtain, except the one relationship we form with ourselves, which is a relationship with the all, wherein we are eventually remembered with all the parts of the whole.
Audio of this blog can be found here: https://youtu.be/O_yK5Plf518
Raphael Awen is co-creator, teacher, and facilitator of the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life. Visit www.soulfullheartwayoflife.com for more information about Weekly Sessions, Live Streams, Videos, and Community.