Day 12, Part 2 of 2 ~ Journal To The Demiurge

Journal To The Demiurge with Raphael Awen Day 12

By Raphael Awen

(This is Day 12, Part 2 of 2, of an ongoing series, to begin at Day 1, go here:

Around Christmas time, I was guided to undertake a journal journey to connect with the Demiurge. Demiurge is the term used by the Gnostic Christians, and others to refer to the Christian god ‘Jehovah’ or ‘Yahweh’. I personally served this ‘God’ until 13 years ago, when I publicly admitted that ‘I no longer held Jesus as my personal saviour’, which was a renunciation of my faith, a kind of baptism in reverse if you will, that collapsed my entire known social world that I had built around Christianity.

This journal is a deep dive ambassadorship involving parts of me as well as aspects of my Metasoul, as well as beloved guides taking a journey to connect with the Demiurge to see what we can resolve. Why is the Demiurge the way he is? How have we co-created the Demiurge out of the projections of our own Internal Punisher aspects of ourselves?

These and so many more questions are felt together, as an exciting and deepening connection unfolds along the way.

Today’s Journal entry involves discovering one’s own opposite gender within, and the internal resistances we have to doing that. It seems the Demiurge is in part a big projection of ours built around our fears of our internal opposite gendered aspects of ourselves. ‘Animalea’ is my feminine aspect and she continues here in Part 2 of Day 12.

Raphael: Thank you for being so here, Animalea. How it would move men’s hearts and souls if they could be in deepening connection with their own feminine aspect of themselves, differentiated and personalized, a living, breathing being, with their own distinct tastes and feelings and needs and desires.

Animalea: And with her own wardrobe, too.

Raphael: Yes, we haven’t taken up cross-dressing in 3D, but we sure can etherically, when we want to feel and see beauty and magic. I know for men to open to their inner feminine, opens out worlds, sexually and sensually that men on one hand, so long for, and on the other hand, are so afraid of. Hence, the big pornography pretzel that men can get so easily caught up in. Porn can be an invitation, if we’re ready to feel it that way, to get to know and feel your own inner feminine, and your Inner Teenager who so wants to be initiated into his own potent desirability, very much including his genitals, along with all of his other powers in this world.

You feel like an ocean inside to explore, Animalea. An ocean that I can only explore in stages. Which is probably true for you too, right?

Animalea: My goodness, yes. It takes digestion and integration to feel these things with you. It is such a heart, soul, and body experience that opens a portal, and then it takes some time. And, thank the Divine, that 3D is a time generator, because we each need time to live into the new reality that our feeling together generated.

You mentioned porn, and this so feels like a standstill, or maybe a standoff, that men have with their inner feminine. The woman has willingly shared herself, but in the least personal or vulnerable way, as she offers herself to any man who will hopefully admire, or any man she can kick at with a sense of ‘look at what you can only look at, but can’t have’, depending on what she has going on in her emotional body. It’s a powerful introduction for a man to his awakening sexuality, but it wants to fly free and into much deeper fulfilled realms. It wants to ‘man’ifest in a manhood infestation, that dances in real time with a real woman.

I experience that, Raphael, as you and your mate, Jelelle, connect. Sometimes, I feel like a total lesbian and a very proud one at that, and at other times, I feel like I so get to explore the deep masculine. This is the hottest stuff.

I don’t need to preach about it so much, as much as I feel a need to be around others who are courageously exploring their own depths. I so want to be matched and be able to compare notes and heart chords. This creates a symphony that goes out into the quantum, a whole other layer of orgasm.

I know this must have a bunch to do as well with the Demiurge. All those Christian proscriptions against sex and sexuality, and how the ‘loose woman will take you to hell’ that the book of Proverbs in the Bible goes on about. That all was written by men who tangled a moment with their own inner feminine, got freaked out and needed to run back to their mommies, who would give them milk and cookies like a six year old, when life felt so safe. The feminine and masculine dance together is not meant to be ‘safe’. The dance is for those who have gotten their safety needs met. Boys don’t do heart and passion. All they can do is peak at pictures, and then giggle, and then hide their pictures.

Raphael: This actually brings up a really big question. How much of the Demiurge reality exists because of our collective fear of our sexuality, along with the fear of all of our desires in general? When we embrace a desire, really own it and feel it inside without suppression, it takes us to change. It takes us into the next stages of our growth. The boy can only find the courage and power to leave the goodness and safety of Mommy to one day know Sacred Union with a mate if he can surrender to his desires. Taking responsibility for desires and passions is what the boy, the teen, the man is ever being invited into.

The Demiurge system is built around suppression and shaming the boy at an early age, invalidating his dawning awareness of his sensuality and sexuality. This, in turn, leaves the girl having to go to weird measures to try and get a rise out of the man, to get him to show up with both an open heart and a stiff cock at the same time. The Demiurge system also suppresses the women for her ‘harlotry’, and ‘enticements’ making the weak man the victim of her ‘temptations’. Oh my god, the man is afraid of his own inner feminine, making it and the women the source of our ‘fallen’ nature, like the pathetic Adam and Eve story, in the Genesis account.

Now that my life has lived into a new reality outside of the intensity of the Christian God’s deal, I have so felt wave after wave of new reality about what it means to be with the masculine-feminine dance inside of myself and with a mate. This dance is what has led to a whole bunch of other dances too, like leaving geography, like leaving decades long careers and relationships that were complete to be able to go on to my next steps. In a world of infinite love, there are always ‘next steps’. We are forever the student, being encouraged and enthused to learn.

It would seem that the Demiurge system is about the attempt at capping truth’s ongoing expansion, into ‘thee truth’ and ‘absolute truth’ for fear of surrendering, really surrendering to our own truth. We are invited instead to live into our own absolute truth, while admitting it to be our truth. Here is where our light shines, the city set on a hill that cannot be hidden. Our truth is then lived into and experimented with and the results enter the collective data collection system allowing all to witness and feel into their own truth. Here, we trans-parent each other.

We are faced with maybe the most scary thing about life itself, in that we are our own authority. Our surrender to the Divine is most seen in this surrender to this reality of the authorship of our own lives. A child can not accept this reality, but his ‘UPbringing’ is intended to take him or her there, being modeled by BEings called parents, who can trans-parent this reality into their hearts.

I best pause here, I’m going off a bit aren’t I? How is what I’m sharing landing in you? Anyone?

Martin: This is so different from my reality conditioning as you call it, Raphael. But it rings so true. It rings as my higher truth. I can so feel how I and a whole swath of humanity were wanting to escape and move away from the Demiurge system, and we made some movements, but it feels like those movements were still very much inside of the the same system, just changing the polarity a bit. Protestantism is just that, a protest. It is a solemn movement away from something, even while it is still inside that something. I couldn’t see and feel this without this connection with you all here. Protestantism may be a movement, but it still resonates with all the most basic tenets of Catholicism. It’s all Demiurge, to the core. I want to be done with that Bastard. I want to be done with protesting against his deal. Protesting leaves me in an ongoing relationship with the Demiurge, on the inside. I want to live into a new world on the outside.

I can’t begin to know how to integrate any of this back into the dimension I come from. I’m hoping you can help me with that. Part of me just wants to rescue Katrianna out of our dimension, and join you all here, and not look back. I did that once, you know, rescuing her from her nunnery, floating her out of there inside of a wine barrel. How would you advise me, may I ask?

Raphael: Who has some advice for Martin?

Andy: My advice is follow the fun, Martin. Sounds like you’ve been doing that so far, and it’s been changing and guiding you. Fun isn’t bad or wrong, like Raphael was saying. The Demiurge is the one who doesn’t know how to have fun if his life depended on it. His life actually depends on not having any fun. If he actually began having fun, I think he’d self destruct somehow, or maybe, that’s what he believes to be true. Maybe we can just invite him out to play somehow?

Martin: ‘Follow the fun’. Thank you, Andy. That feels so inviting, but I have to ask,… I can feel a part of me back at protesting, ‘how can that be okay?’ this part of me asks.

Arthur: One thing I’ve learned, Martin, is that even when we are living by the highest of morals and nobility, we are doing it as our highest form of fun. I didn’t realize that till more recently, thinking instead that we were sacrificing for the greater good. We may have given up some of our comforts, but we did it because we wanted to, because that was the funnest fun, if I can borrow Andy’s words. None of us ever escape our own self interest. Even the most self-less act is actually the truest selfish act, where we see and feel the self to be no longer bad, but integral to all that is good.

I’m not sure that offers you any of the advice you were asking, Martin. Actually, I can so feel a part of me feeling the same as you. Camelot lies in ruins. Maybe that is its completion, its necessary outcome, so that something new can come. Maybe an ending is a beginning in this way. I so don’t want to get caught up in trying to revive something that needs to die. But, on the other hand, I can feel another part of me, more than one actually, who knows nothing else than living for Camelot. It would feel like turning my back on Camelot in a big way to not fight to the death for her. Leaving this round table here today, leaves me in quite an internal dilemma. I really want to live and be free, more than anything. I’ve always wanted that. What is the true path to freedom? How have I tried to deal with the Demiurge to get me to the freedom I so desire? I welcome true advice as well.

Raphael: It so feels like your turn, Metatron…

Metatron: I hope no one felt me as checked out today, I’ve felt so present to every word of this round table today. Being with the questions and quandaries is the quest, and breathing through it all. You all are feeling and inquiring on a crazy high level. This so feels like a first to me.

Just feeling and being with these QUESTions on the quest is the quest. I’m a little hesitant to overshadow the process here with any insights that take away from the feeling and connecting you are doing, that we are doing…that is finding its own way.

I’m so feeling how what you and Animalea energized today, Raphael. It’s a romantic quest that one simply shows up for if they want it. It calls you ‘to leave your father and your mother’. Even the Demiurge knew that much. Here the father and mother we are being asked to leave is reality as we known it up till now, in order to let in a new reality. The Divine Father and the Divine Mother wants to trans-parent a new reality into place. The universe lilipads itself from one security to the next. It risks continually in this way, having felt the love and courage that was gained from the previous home. Even the Demiurge reality that held us for so long is now fading in its strength and hold on us. Nothing can hold us in a stasis. We are being invited to come to terms with conscious and continual change, while knowing deeper and deeper self love and security amidst the change. This is the best of all worlds.

Arthur, and Martin, you have pieces to walk out for sure, as you are feeling. As you do walk them out, you open an exponential path in the quantum for the many you have served and the many you will serve. You will so find and feel a grace for the next step. That’s the magical flow that you are living in, continually anchoring you in feeling held and loved, providing the goods to go into the next bliss, while not paving over any pain with that bliss.

This so gets close to the heart of what we are wanting to energize to the Demiurge. He’s not evil, neither is he the pedestalized creator-of-all. He has however been left out of the loop, relationally, holding all of our projections onto him. I’m getting very curious what he’ll have to say to us and possibly even a willingness to feel some things with us.

I don’t think I have much else to say, Raphael. I’ve got a big glow on today, that feels good to feel. I just want to hang out in all of your world and energy for the day.

Heck, I’m with you, Arthur and Martin, I may need to trade in the Archangel business for a retirement here with you all.

Raphael: Wow, I’m not sure you could pry me out of Golden Earth either with a pitchfork and a bulldozer, or anything else. I’m still working on learning how to integrate the worlds. I still have business in 3D, or I wouldn’t find myself waking up there. I just want to let these worlds blend and integrate, more and more, and then some more.

That sounds like it’d be a whole heap of fun that should keep us busy for a good while, wouldn’t you say, Andy?

Andy: Todo, todo, todo, as they say here in Mexico! We get to follow the fun. If we’re having fun, why try to fix anything right?

Raphael: There you have it, people. Take it from a Magical Child Starbeing Aspect. Let’s practice that some today, and see what arises from here.

Raphael Awen is co-creator, teacher, and facilitator of the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life. Visit for more information about Weekly Sessions, Live Streams, Videos, and Community.

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