Journal To The Demiurge – Day 1

Journal To The Demiurge with Raphael Awen Day 1

By Raphael Awen

I have been guided to undertake a journaling journey of an ambassadorship to connect with the Demiurge. The Demiurge is the Christian male ‘God’, who is also known as Jehovah or Yahweh in the Bible.

The Gnostics, whose writings were discovered in 1945 at a place called Nag Hamadi in upper Egypt, brought to us many new gospels that were not included in the Christian Bible and it was they who, following Platonic philosophy, related to the Christian ‘Yahweh’ as the ‘Demiurge’. This term ‘Demiurge’ is taken from Latin words meaning the ‘artisan, producer, or creator’. This creator of the material world sought to rule with dominance and required duty and obligation as its main offering of how to form a relationship with itself. The 4th century Roman version of Christianity, then crafted Jesus into this need for blood sacrifice required by the Demiurge, leaving Christian followers under a strong dominance of duty and control, aligning quite well with the Roman agenda.

I know the Christian God very well from a Christian perspective, having journeyed through my childhood along with 26 adult years as a devout Christian before I came to finally and openly renounce ‘Jesus as my personal savior’ in 2005, and from there to re-feel my entire relationship with ‘God’ or the Divine.

Please join me now as I feel called to set out through a daily journal journey to create an Ambassadorship from within to meet with and communicate with this Demiurge, Yahweh, or Jehovah.

What will we find? I truly don’t know, but I so want to find out, and I’m being supported to undertake this journey, feeling my trepidation as I go.

Your reading and feeling this journey with me as it unfolds daily will create the vehicle of approach, kind of like signatures on a petition to gain audience with a King. Your participation along with mine, changes the journey, as well as the outcome.

Here is day one, launched on this auspicious solstice day:


Raphael: This is Raphael. I’d like to connect with my highest and most familiar guides, Archangel Metatron and Merlin, my Unicorn, to inquire about guidance to form an Ambassadorship to the Demiurge, or whom the Christians know as Yahweh, or Jehovah. Metatron, and Merlin, will you speak with me?

Metatron: Yes, Raphael. It feels good to connect with you, and with what desires are brewing for you. What are you feeling?

Raphael: This desire has arisen in me in the form of an idea, a mental contemplation, along with a curious desire to explore, and to really change my world and experience, yet further. This idea is expanding to feel like guidance and a calling. Then comes doubts and questions. Do I know what I’m getting myself into? Do I really want to mess with the Demiurge? Then I feel all the lifetimes and time this life I have dedicated to Yahweh, how familiar I am with his temple worship and communities, and it feels quite doable, somehow. Part of me does wonder though what preparations or confirmations I should gather prior to undertaking such a quest.

Metatron: Raphael, this is a worthy quest, and a weighty one. It is worth all the preparation and guidance that you need. It is worth feeling through any and all resistance or fears that come from within, or without. I would be so honored to feel you and guide you every step of the way.

Raphael: Metatron, what can you even tell me about the Demiurge? Are you familiar with it? Do you feel it as a person, as an Archetype, as a collective consciousness? I’d like your take on that?

Metatron: Raphael, if I could answer that, there really would be no need to explore, would there? The short answer to your QUESTion is that even I don’t know. If I did, I could just share with you what I know and voila, problem solved. I am into supporting you and taking this journey with you. I, like you, can feel the Demiurge as a powerful dominating energy that has suppressed humanity and your planet into a sleepy slumber in prolonged forgetfulness. I know that it feeds off of people’s worship and surrender to it, and that it is never satiated, always wanting and needing more like an addict.

Raphael: Like it’s wanting and needing an intervention of some kind?

Metatron: It’s wanting and needing something, that’s for sure. It has been center stage in humanity’s consciousness and subconsciousness seeking immortality. If it is ready to make or entertain change, then that would be so cool to assist it with.

Raphael: It doesn’t sound like you feel afraid of it?

Metatron: I respect it. I know it has power, but I don’t fear it. If I feared it, I could not reach out to it.

Raphael: How is it that you don’t fear this powerful being or energy?

Metatron: I come in service of love, from which all consciousness, even that which polarized to dark or evil energies, gets its authorization. Love is the author of all. My truth is that there is no real evil, only that which hasn’t yet experienced the feeling of love as an energy. If something negative ‘happens’ to me, it happens to me under the authorization and permission of love, for me to learn and feel something that I haven’t felt yet, and need to feel.

Raphael: Is there still stuff you need to feel?

Metatron: Feel and Heal is still the Deal, Raphael. That is the journey back to source. I’m still not sure what happens when and if we are ever done with that, but like you, I’m curious as hell.

Raphael: Hell is curious isn’t it? and so is Heaven. They both want to know and feel more.

Metatron: That’s like the itch of consciousness itself, expressed in every expression of consciousness, including the time and space domains.

Raphael: I’m liking how easy it feels to connect with you.

Metatron: Good, because we’re going to need to get comfortable if we are going to undertake this mission together.

Raphael: Which I haven’t officially declared yet, still baking on the guidance and gathering the energy in my desire body I’d call it, and calling in all favors too from you and Merlin.

Metatron: I’m curious what Merlin has to say?

Raphael: Me too, Merlin, what say you? If that’s enough intro for you?

Merlin: Whoah, a freakin’ journey to the Demiurge with Raphael and Metatron. I’m in!

Raphael: That easy? No concerns or hesitations?

Merlin: What’s there to lose, Raphael?

Raphael: As I feel this QUESTion in your familiar presence and broadcasting energy field, Merlin, I can feel there is a whole lot to lose, here in the earth zone, which we’ve been waiting and wanting to lose for an awful long time, which makes all of the losses gains. I can feel though that life as we’ve known it, personally and collectively, would have huge shifts internally and externally if this were to shift, and this can feel like genuine deep losses for the parts of us attached to life as we’ve known it, regardless of how much suffering there is in what is being given up.

Merlin: Now I’m taking in your broadcast energy field Raphael… I’m sorry for the intense pain you and your fellow humans have felt under the Demiurge’s reign. I don’t get to feel that much as I don’t live in that energy. It feels so sad, now that I feel it….so much time stretched out to magnify this feeling.

Raphael: Maybe, Merlin, what you and I are feeling is being broadcast from the unfelt heart of the Demiurge itself, the emptiness, a universe-sized heart cry expressing in a compensational need to have dominion as a placeholder in love’s absence?

Merlin: THAT,…finding out what is or isn’t true about that would be worth all the worth there is, I’d say.

Raphael: You have a way of making your point.

Merlin: funny, and true!

Raphael: Wow, Merlin and Metatron, as we are connecting about this, I so feel it expanding in me. I so need the journal pieces here, one line and word, one feeling at a time to let this in.

Metatron: What’s going in, Raphael?

Raphael: A desire to undertake this journey…, to gather all the necessary resources and do it. I so feel bored with anything less, truth be told. I’ve lived lifetimes, as well as 26 adult years of life, this life, up until 12 years go, dedicated to the Christian God, and have come to feel suspect of his origins, how he/it co-opted our innate connection to source. All of this moving in me is coming from a recent deepening with my Gatekeeper, named Rhodes, whom I feel to introduce tomorrow, and allow all this intention and desire to bake.

Metatron: This journey is so worth all the time and process it takes. I so want to feel Rhodes take on all this too.

Raphael: How do you feel Metatron about sharing this journey in real time?

Metatron: You are speaking my language now, Raphael. I so feel that it has traction and realness when it is felt and digested in more hearts. This is a big collective piece of wounding and it needs a big collective heart to create an Ambassadorship to it. It’s a collective heartache wounding that can only heal collectively. Without mounting a posse of hearts, there isn’t enough substance to bridge to the dimension where this pain lives. Sharing this with supportive and open hearts will create this.

Raphael: And sharing it publicly also puts it out there for those, human and not, who are invested with the Demiurge to see it too, right?

Metatron: It’s only fair to let them all know we wish audience, to let them acclimate to where we are coming from. Better they see us coming than taking anyone by surprise. We have nothing to hide.

Raphael: I can tell you wish to say something Merlin, you’re broadcasting again…

Merlin: I am?…ah, yeah, that’s what I do, don’t I? The universe is waiting is what I’m feeling. My god! We get to do this…., really. Holeeee! Can you tell, I’ve wanted to do this since my teenage years in earth life. This is going to take me back to where I can’t even know right now. And that’s what makes it so worth it. This has waited till such a time as this, and till such a heart as yours Raphael, could lead the way. We haven’t had the emotional heart porosity that real ambassadorship is about, but we do now, in you.

Raphael: I do have to wade through some 3D senses of myself in order to let in your perspective of me, but I can feel the truth of what you speak to, Merlin. I have journeyed to open my heart out of a conscious hunger for love, and feel called to share this, even enough to self authorize.

Merlin: Which is the only true authority there is, that which flows from the universe and rings true in one’s own heart. No one can certify you in this. It’s either true for you, or it’s not. After all, it’s you that needs to walk it out, not an organization or a governing hierarchy. That’s the way of the Demiurge that we need to gain audience with.

Raphael: Okay, I’m feeling to take this up again tomorrow, to allow this to digest, and to let in more confirmation and guidance. Standby all, and deepest gratitude for this cocreation.

~ Join me tomorrow for this continuing journey! ~

Raphael Awen is co-creator, teacher, and facilitator of the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life. Visit for more information about Weekly Sessions, Live Streams, Videos, and Community.

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Day 2 ~ Journal To The Demiurge

Journal To The Demiurge with Raphael Awen Day 2

By Raphael Awen

(This is Day 2. For Day 1, and the entire ongoing series, go here:

Raphael: Good Morning team. It’s December 22, day 2 of the New Year, if we go by the Solstice Calendar that is, always a special time of the year for me, and it’s day 2 of the Journal to the Demiurge. And I have 2 questions: ‘Is everyone awake?’, and ‘what are you feeling about this journey?’

Metatron: Raphael, this is Metatron. I was awake and sorting my pack for some time already. I’m feeling this is real. This may feel like an epic tale to some, but we are actually creating this. It’s a real tale.

Merlin: This is Merlin, I agree with Metatron. I’m as awake as can be, and I’m feeling very excited.

Raphael: Okay, that explains all the energy moving through me, or at least a big part of it. There’s another part I need to bring on board, into this intentional space, that I mentioned yesterday, and that’s Rhodes, my Gatekeeper. But before I make his introduction, I need to acknowledge the others joining us for this multidimensional journey. There is an audience, in the truest sense of the word, who are auditing this journey, coming with us, in this beyond time and space auditorium of resonance. The seats are filling up and I want to do this together with them. I’ve specifically invited them and will keep inviting. This is humanity’s journey. We gave our power to the Demiurge, and it’s us who need to lead an ambassadorship to negotiate that back. I want to ask each of you to include this auditorium of hearts and souls as we go.

Now, allow me to introduce Rhodes. Rhodes is whom I call my Gatekeeper. A Gatekeeper is the higher dimensional part of us that relates to our lives from a place beyond 3D time and space. They hold our access to many gifts and our awakening relationship with the divine that we and they are. As we heal more and more of our 3D emotional wounding from the 3D life we are in, the Gatekeeper arises naturally leading us through transitional 4D and beyond into the 5D domains of our Higher Self. I believe we all have one, or more. It seems versions of them arise and fall beautifully through our lives, into accessing more of what we truly are in our higher, and ever higher, essence. We call them a Gatekeeper because they also hold access to our remembrance of what I call our Metasoul, the source we came from after we individuated off the Divine. We get to awaken alongside our Gatekeepers and enter an exchange with them that is as unlimited as we are ready to let in.

I met Rhodes through an intense death and rebirth feeling toned intensity that rumbled through an epic, but manageable meltdown in my life just a couple of months ago. Since then, he has been acclimating to me and me to him. We can both feel we have deepenings to explore and feel and remember together and we want to feel it all as we go. I feel Rhodes as the backbone of this journey, and I want to ask him to introduce himself.

I’m very, very proud, glad, excited, and honored to introduce you Rhodes. So Rhodes,… please…

Rhodes: Hello everyone. I’m touched to be here and be on this journey with you. I’ve been quite hidden and under the radar, intertwined in Raphael’s life and journey until recently. I’ve been getting comfortable with being differentiated, comfortable with Raphael and then a few souls beyond. This is like being in a room of very bright lights, but in a good way, though I may need my sunglasses at times.

To our task at hand, I felt Metatron and Merlin juicing myself and Raphael with this idea and it felt like it has been baking not only for the past weeks, but for something outside of time. I have felt my own suppression being under the rule of the Demiurge, and have come to feel how it reflects a self imposed rule that I placed over myself. That rule and its domination is now coming to light and I, we, and any and all we can get to join us, are being invited to find our own versions of this self imposed hell, this penalty for sin, and to come to absolve ourselves by feeling a love we were heretofore unable to feel. That’s why I’m here. I have much to feel and heal, and I want every bit of it. Thank you so much for including me on this epic journey Raphael, which so gives us an adventure to get to know and feel each other deeper inside of. Thank you Merlin and Metatron. You both feel so amazing to me; A personal Unicorn and an Archangel, I want to sit at your feet, is all I can say… thank – you. And thank you to the gathering posse of hearts as Raphael refers to you. I am honored to be in each of your presence.

Raphael: There you go. The magic you feel when there is relational space to feel. Thank you Rhodes. I so look forward and backward too, to all we are, and were, and will be. It’s all true, and coming truer still.

Wow, okay, that’s a lot of goodness to feel.

Wow, what next?…

Metatron: You got this Raphael…

Raphael: Thank you Metatron. I feel like I’m getting a download from you and Merlin both right now, so I’ll just go with it. It feels like laying some groundwork for the mission at hand:

What I hear is that the Demiurge is a god of our own making. We created it individually and collectively. You could say we made him up in our imaginations, and in that, you would be both accurate and inaccurate. On one hand, yes, the Demiurge is a figment of our imagination, but that does not mean it isn’t real. Everything that has reality is a figment of some imagination. We need to wrap our hearts, and to whatever degree we can, wrap our minds around this relationship between the imagination and reality. Reality isn’t as real as we think it is, not in the ways we feel it to be.

I’m speaking this now to the parts of me who feel understandable trepidation about making a quest such as this. I, we, along with the present and past God seeking community have created this being out of our own imaginations, a fact created in our own personal and collective fact-ories. This God is as real as real can be, but if we created it, then it is up to us to take responsibility for what we created, and see what can shift and change and heal in reconnection. I believe there is only one source of every created thing, where even darkness, evil and suffering serve the journey of returning to love and expanding love in the process. If I didn’t feel this in my bones, I wouldn’t have the courage to lead this quest.

I believe the Demiurge is somewhere inside of itself looking for redemption, its own onward journey to the love that it is, and was, is sourced in, and may also be ready to feel remorse for the suffering and pain it has caused to feeling sentient creatures.

How’d I do Metatron?

Metatron: Absolute heavenly perfection, Raphael, near as I can tell, as you like to say.

Raphael: Merlin, what sayest thou? Pardon, me, I’m feeling a bit giddy with the juice in here.

Merlin: Let’s get this party started in here. I so honour this intention and the weight of it, AND I feel, the divine wants us to do this for the opposite motivation of duty and obligation. Duty and obligation is the Demiurge’s deal. The only valid motive for this is for the pure fun of it. We get to love. We get to feel. We get to enter the unknown.

Raphael: I’m so glad you’re on board with all this Merlin, because I don’t have it figured yet how we will even get to the Demiurge, let alone gain audience with him, but I suspect you and Rhodes will sort out the dimensional travel along with the audience we seek.

Merlin: We all will, Raphael, and I know none of us are coming back the same, including the whole posse of hearts, which are all needed for this to move what is ready and wanting to move.

Raphael: Reminds me of that song we sang in church ‘you won’t leave here, like you came, in Jesus name…’, and truth is we were all changed, and many of us changed so much so, event-ually, one event at a time, we found the untidy seams in the paradigm, where our hearts and minds were able to feel the hijack of our divinity being held in subjection to something foreign.

Metatron: You need to speak more to that Raphael, about those events you speak of.

Raphael: Thank you. Let’s do that, but let’s do that tomorrow. I’m feeling to let all this from today land in our gathering posse of hearts, and in my own heart some more, and what I’m feeling moving in Rhodes as well. This is urgent AND we have all the time in the world, as this is what time is for… feeling and healing.

Metatron: Okay, let’s hit the beach then for now and get some sun codes I say.

Raphael: Perfect, and we’ll all meet at this same cosmic address tomorrow. Thank you every ONE.


Raphael Awen is co-creator, teacher, and facilitator of the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life. Visit for more information about Weekly Sessions, Live Streams, Videos, and Community.

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Day 3 ~ Journal To The Demiurge

Journal To The Demiurge with Raphael Awen Day 3

By Raphael Awen

(This is Day 3 of an ongoing series, to begin at day 1, go here:

Raphael: Good Morning team. Pardon me, I realized that I’m the only one on the team that needs to sleep…, well, me and the posse of hearts here too.

Metatron: Sleep is good, Raphael. You feel awake though.

Raphael: I so do. The past few years have felt challenging to parts of me having as much free time as I do, quite an adjustment from the busyness of life that I knew in other settings and times. But this journey before us is rumbling through me with a passion and an excitement. It’s 4:30 in the morning as I sit on the patio in the predawn thumbing away again on this iPad. Thank you for this joint mission.

Metatron: What do you feel about that on a deeper level?

Raphael: hmmm. I’m feeling how all my life, I, or the part of me living my life as me at that time, sought mission and purpose. God forbid, pardon the pun, that I would lead a meaningless life. This part of me, so wanted to escape boredom. I still feel I have aspects of my Metasoul that want to heal and feel that one through my present life story to this day. This was so much a part of the draw to Christianity, getting approval and purpose from thee creator, thee God, with a capital ‘g’, thee God of everything. Where this all lands in me in this moment is that I still feel we play a big role with our intentions and choice points about how we are going to relate to life.

Metatron: What’s your intention for today, for now?

Raphael: I feel, and I like starting my intentional statement with the words, ‘I feel’,… I feel I want to be intentional and conscious of everything I’m feeling as I’m feeling it. Am I feeling everything that’s moving through me and giving love to any place of fear, giving curiosity to any place of tension or hiding? Am I showing up for myself?

Metatron: Wow, there’s a new universe, right there! And certainly doesn’t sound like one ruled by the Demiurge!

Raphael: Yes! I still very much want aliveness, and juice flowing through my veins, but I want a different relationship with all of that inside of me. I get to feel, I like to say.

Metatron: We said we’d like to talk about your Christian journey and the events that led to its demise in you. This feels like a good time to get into that. The journey to the Demiurge will need us all being brought up to speed on some of this for sure.

Raphael: Okay. I get to story tell some. I like that. There are still parts of me that have pieces to feel and heal around all of this and so sharing is an opportunity to feel them, and this journey then gets to re-create the whole deal as well.

As I said, I so wanted purpose and mission. As a teen, I wanted to escape the aimlessness I felt around me and even in my family’s version of ‘Christianity light’, as I saw it at the time. I left the family denomination at 19, where I was already an active youth leader, in one fell swoop, decided to renounce my infant baptism, by choosing adult baptism, joined another non-denominational church and signed up for the full time Bible School they hosted. I had become really drawn to miracles, signs and wonders. I wanted something real, that I could feel. I felt how the longstanding family history in a denomination felt dead to me, culturally stuck, and sooo eternally  and damnably boring. I had sat through 2 church services every Sunday since I was a week or two old, and about the only thing I hated more was the dentist.

I recall as a young boy, around 5 years old, as spring had sprung and the snow had receded in northern British Columbia, the neighborhood boys were rounding up a group to go play baseball. I looked high and low for my treasured ball glove, but couldn’t find it. After I had looked everywhere, it dawned on me that ‘God knew where my ball glove was’. I paused and prayed to God to help me find my glove, then opened my eyes, resumed my search, and boom, there it was. ‘God’ was just a given in my reality.

At 17, I ‘knew I wasn’t living right’, and that ‘I would go to hell if I died’. The pot smoking and wanting to get my hands up a girls shirt were things that had to go. I was also living with a self diagnosis of suffering with a big ‘inferiority complex’ and depression. This was the moment I made my first cult switch, as I dropped my circle of friends overnight, and jumped into my family’s Christianity. I again bargained with God ‘that unless he delivered me from my inferiority complex, I wouldn’t amount to anything’ which is kind of funny now as I feel it. I kind of told God that he needed to cough up or he wasn’t going to get any goods out of me. The crazy thing though was about 3 weeks later, while out driving my dads car, it dawns on me that I had not had any deep depression feelings for that whole time. I sincerely believed that God had answered my desperate prayer and heart cry. My energy field shifted and it wasn’t long and I was President of the youth group at our church, and the inferiority subsided.

Merlin: Wow, Raphael. I think it would have been better had you managed to get your hands up more girls shirts.

Raphael: I know! right? Merlin, thanks for jumping in here. This can all use some breathing. Part of me so was afraid of my sexuality and my desires for mateship as well, that ‘giving it all to God’ felt like ‘the right thing to do’. Again, I pawned off onto God for safekeeping what I was afraid of, just like I was afraid of my inferiority and depression and needed to use God as a way to escape it.

I met a young woman at this time through some church youth volunteer mission work, and we found our way into a romance and I felt like my life went instantly from a 2 to 9.5 on a scale of 10. Sex was being ‘saved for marriage’, and this was any kind of ‘sex’ other than kissing. When she broke up with me 11 months later, I knew it had to do with me wandering from the family faith that we were both deeply a part of, and looking to greener pastures of more exciting forms of Christianity, even the dreaded Charismatic Movement. The day following our break up, my family was away on a weekend camping trip and I sat in the black lazy boy chair in the empty living room with the house to myself, and the well of tears wanted to come, but I was able to hold them, and the depression at bay. I called a friend instead to arrange to go for coffee. Something in me ‘knew that I knew’ not to go to that ocean of tears. I again called on God to deliver me from this pain. I managed to walk away unscathed on the surface. It would be not until 19 years later that I re-encountered my depression, finally able to self lovingly let it arise to the surface to begin feeling it. Wow, talk about an effective suppression strategy, and ‘God’ was at the center of it.

How am I doing Metatron? We felt to go to me sharing about the demise of my Christianity, and I’m taking the long road  to get there…

Metatron: You’re doing perfectly. How are you feeling as you are sharing this?

Raphael: I’m feeling a ton of compassion for the me who managed and lived all of that through, for the reasons I did. I can feel another version of me who could have been able to weep all those tears at that time of the deepest conscious loss of my life; the me who is here now. And that feels good.

Metatron: Your sharing feels good too. Please…

Raphael: So, then is about when I was preparing to jump ship again and trade in everything I had for the Charismatic Movement in Christianity. I so wanted to be able to ‘speak in tongues’ as they called it. I felt this was proof of the real power of God. I knew I was ‘saved’, and my fears of hell were well behind me now in the rear view mirror, but I so wanted to feel this miracle kind of experience. It was a bit of a long journey finally arriving at the moment where in response to a church altar call, I was essentially coached into being able to access prayer language, but what a glorious moment it was feeling this miracle of prayer language flow through me in all kinds of dialects and intonations that I could play with at will. I went home that night and prayed for another hour. I knew I was at a turning point.

After a few more months of logistics and gathering the courage, I knew it would have to be a tear-the-bandaid-off kind of approach. My father had said a few months prior that if I left the church, or got adult baptized, I’d have to move out of the house. I sat him down one evening and told him in one breath and one non-stop sentence, that I was leaving the church, resigning from my youth group presidency, joining the Charismatic Church I’d been visiting, attending their full time Bible School in the fall as well as getting adult baptized. He said nothing, looked away and asked my mom for an aspirin as his headache had flared up just then. He came down to my room later that evening and told me, quite surprisingly, that he felt that if I felt my Heavenly Father was guiding me, then who was he, as my earthly father to stand in the way.

It’s interesting I’ve managed to connect with my dad, Jim, as a guide, since he passed away close to 10 years ago now. He died a few years after me jumping ship yet again, leaving Christianity, leaving a 23 year marriage, and admitting I no longer held Jesus as my personal savior. My last memory of him in this life was him in a hospital bed looking so weak a few weeks before he died, as I felt my inner boy part of me looking at him in his weakness, recalling his admiration of his dad’s once strong body. My dad garnered his energy to sit up and tell me with his forefinger pecking at the roll-away bedside eating table that ‘God said in his word that we are to honor our father and our mother, and that He ‘instituted’ family.’ We were miles apart and I chose not to go back to sit again in that energy for any more of that disconnect.

I can so feel his new energy now and feel to let him pop in here, as I’ve energized him by speaking about him.

Jim: Thank you Raphael. I love your new name. It so rocks. We gave you the name Marvin, but you chose Raphael. I’m so sorry I fed you the horse shit pile called Christianity that I was fed. I didn’t find the courage to stand up to it like you did. I know we agreed to these roles before acting them out together, but I still feel sadness that you felt pain. That was some tuff shit we agreed to. And I want to say that the Bible is the biggest horse shit pile of them all, some really attractive horse shit mind you, but shit none the less. I don’t feel afraid of God from where I am today, but boy, did I ever in my life with you. I always thought I wasn’t a coward, standing up to bullies, but you are standing up to the biggest bully of them all. I’m so proud of you.

Raphael: There you have it! Thank you Jim. That changes the energy doesn’t it!? Your voice and presence feels so accessible and I’ll count you in as another guide on this journey. Big horse shit piles! Wow. Part of me is remembering all that doctrine just now about omnipresence, omnipotence, and a few other omni’s, like omniscience.

Merlin: Sounds to me like Jim got over his God-fearing ways, and I say we sniff out the same horse shit. If God had to prattle on about his Omni this and Omni that, it sounds to me like he never had it to begin with. We gave that to him as a sacrifice of our own divinity, borne out our insecurity and unfelt wounds. We’ve been eating horseshit ever since and calling it dinner. Fucking no more!!

Raphael: Okay, and now a swearing Merlin on our hands. You usually come off so wise sounding and even-tempered Merlin…

Merlin: There’s some things that really need some fire,… earth, wind and fire, yes and Amen, if that sounds any better…

Raphael: It’s all perfect, and I need to pause for today and pick this up right where we’re leaving off if I may. I feel juiced about the opportunity to share more of my story and feel your digestions of it as we go. Metatron?…

Metatron:  I’ll need the day to take in Jim and Merlin, ‘fucking no more!’ I love it. Where did we ever this morality horseshit about what’s right, wrong, and proper, instead of feeling what we feel. So yes, I’m good and I’ll be ready when you are.

Raphael: Thanks everyone, and a big salute again to the growing posse of hearts joining this journal and journey. Same time, same channel, manana.

Raphael Awen is co-creator, teacher, and facilitator of the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life. Visit for more information about Weekly Sessions, Live Streams, Videos, and Community.

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Day 4 ~ Journal To The Demiurge

Journal To The Demiurge with Raphael Awen Day 4

By Raphael Awen

(This is Day 4 of an ongoing series, to begin at day 1, go here:

Raphael: Top of the morning crew! Beautiful Motley Crew! It’s 4:44 am on December 24, and I’m feeling good to go again, running on some new high octane adrenaline. How is everyone else doing?, who wants to check in?

Rhodes: Hello Everyone. This is Rhodes. I’m liking the recap yesterday, Raphael, that you started in on of your earliest journey into the whole God awareness thing, which was also my earliest journey this life of awakening. I’m hoping you’ll continue on those stories. I know I was there for all of that, but there is a way, I never felt any of that then. I just was that. What I’m feeling now is the comparison of one on hand, the backdrop of our desires to go to new and expanded places of consciousness that we can’t even quite name or fathom yet, though it’s fun to try for sure, compared with this tension of feeling the past, and overlaying it onto the future, side by side in the Now, and somehow that opens a portal, an entry portal. And until we feel the so called past, then we aren’t done with it. The whole point of the past was the feeling of it, so if we haven’t felt it, we’re not done with it, or it isn’t done with us, and is very much in the Now. That’s what I’m feeling.

Merlin: Rhodes, you’ve been totally holding out on us. That is some really cool shit. The drama of our stories are a storehouse of magic that we’ve collectively been afraid of up till now. The magic contained in our stories gets activated the more we are willing to feel it, but most fear the unknown of their own magic and where it wants to take them. I’m dying to have some fun, and this challenge before us of attempting to connect with the Demiurge feels as exciting as it gets. I do get the need to feel the past, to dial it into the present, to let the past time-travel into the Now, where there is a curious heart for it to land in that wasn’t there before. Hell, take me for instance, I didn’t even know I existed up until recently, till Raphael was willing to realize my reality, bridge me into his dimension, so I could feel my own dimension and then bridge between the two.

Raphael: My goodness, I have to like pause for minutes after one of you speaks to let in the bandwidth of the frequencies you are vibrating at, and even then, I’m hesitant to break the spell. How cool that is! It adds to the adrenaline I’ve been on the past few days adjusting to these new frequencies, since all this started and it is really exciting. Metatron, I have to ask your input before I go back to my journey…

Metatron: I’m luvin’ it. I’m loving the feeling and healing space here. I know all of us have questions about how we are going to gain audience with the Demiurge, and then wondering what his demeanor towards us will be, if and when we do gain audience, and I’m feeling in all of that, a ‘not-knowing our way to knowing’. It’s so freeing to admit our cluelessness and just want what we want. I’ve learned that from watching you actually, Raphael, over and over again, and I never get tired of the lesson. It always comes out in the wash.

Raphael: Morning love fest! Thank you. I’ll take that, with room for more. Yumm.

I’m feeling to ask if there’s any trepidation in the room about us talking so freely about the Demiurge. I mean yesterday, who was it, Jim, right, went off about the Bible being horseshit, and then it went a bit downhill from there…even got Merlin swearing…

Rhodes: I’ll take the bait on that one if I may again. I’m still taking in and remembering what you said Metatron from day one that everything, and everyone, and every last stitch of consciousness, gets its lease from love to have existence. That I feel includes the Demiurge, though it’s taken me a while to get there. If that’s true, that even he’s made of love, then he’s just what we see as a strange pretzeled version of love somehow, that we haven’t figured out yet. I’ll bet, we look kind of strange to him too for that matter, so if he needs to make jokes about us, to himself and his cohorts, like we are about him, then I say that’s all good. I just don’t feel like he’s some big boogeyman that has the power to cave the roof in on our heads for talking freely.

Okay, that was a bit spacious, because not all of me is liking him by any means. He’s fucked over humanity for a long time and that shit needs to stop. Sorry, I just can’t use pretty language to talk about the pain. I still feel a lot of anger for sure about the journey it’s taken to come to this place of a bit of space around my anger.

Raphael: Wow, Rhodes, you nailed a bunch right there. That answered the tension really well, and opens it out too. Thank you.

So, with that then, I think I’ll pick up for a bit from where I left off. This story telling to an interested and curious audience, in all of your ears and in the ears of the Demiurge itself, is moving something in me.

Let’s see, where was I before Jim took over yesterday with his Holy Horseshit Bible comparisons?

Merlin: You were leaving the family church for the chandelier swinging one.

Raphael: Yes, thank you. So I get myself settled into this new church and Bible School, riding my bicycle across town each morning. About 6 or 7 Months later, one bright soul and beautiful woman in the church (whom I’ll call Mar-yam as that name seems to fit her soul) and I get together over some volunteer mission efforts doing graphics in the church office and we hit the ground running. I’m a bit surprised, but it so answers a palpable loneliness that a part of me was consciously wrestling with. Our first date feels great over some higher end pizza. We talk openly and get ourselves squared away on the no-sex thing, even to the point of theorizing together that kissing is a form of sex and that its rightful ‘god ordained’ place is in the context of engagement, as in engaged to be married. I admit, I came up with that one.

So, what we dredged up was that dating is the rightful context for the spirit to come together; engagement is the place for the souls to come together; and marriage is the place for the bodies to come together. We took the whole ‘no sex before marriage’ thing to way overblown proportions that no one was pushing on us. Looking back, it’s so apparent that the one place the parts of us were resonating around was a big discomfort in our sexuality, again, pawning it off as ‘dedication to God’ for safekeeping.

I mentioned yesterday the earlier 11 month relationship from my previous church setting where the bliss so suddenly ended, that was a year or so prior to this one now emerging with Mar-yam. I see now that the undigested pain of not being able to grieve the loss of that earlier bliss, made a part of me feel I had disappointed or displeased God somehow. Her name was Cheryl, and Cheryl and I had kissed like there was no tomorrow, and we must have gotten outside of ‘Gods Order’ somehow, or it wouldn’t have ended so painfully. I so wanted this new relationship to have God’s blessing, as part of me felt there was no room to go through another loss on this level, ever. No room for any more trial and error. Why suffer in error when you can have God’s truth instead?

We had each of our wired-up woundings resonating like two tuning forks that so played into each others dynamics, but also our leading edge desires and dreams were also resonating for sure. An easy closeness and trust unfolded inside of these extra-safe self-imposed boundaries we charted out together. Maryam confided her pain early on around intense sexual abuse by her dad, and a wandering into some sexual promiscuity as a result that preceded her reach out to God.

We shared a big excitement to make our lives ‘really count for God’. Maryam had also recently abandoned an attempt at joining a catholic convent in line with her families church background, and so we both felt excited about being in this new, very different, cutting edge church and bible school that was so set to really go places and achieve big things for God. Maryam was also the church secretary and led aspects of the church services and was a personal friend of the Pastors to boot. We wanted more than anything to serve as teachers and leaders in an adventurous foreign missionary kind of setting, with our new church’s brand of excitement and passion.  ‘Please, God, anything but aimless western living and its values and boredom’.

I’ve since been able to feel several parts of me, and parts of my Metasoul too, who were activated at this time in my life with all the new beginnings. Part of me privately fancied itself more than anything being a great preacher, able to cast spells, of the godly variety, over audiences. I had also completely abandoned before entering bible school, a tech school trajectory where I was fixing to get a technicians certificate for drafting or surveying, to upgrade the kind of work I was doing. God, and the world didn’t need another draftsman. It needed a preacher with the truth! My employer must have agreed, because when things slowed down slightly, I was let go shortly after being talked to for distributing religious ‘tracts’ in the office.

With all those juices flowing right along between Maryam and I, along with the ‘no kissing while dating’ rule, it was only a month before we kissed, and so we both agreed that we were now engaged. We crossed over the line we set for ourselves. She was 24, and I was 21, and we were married after a 5 month engagement with lots of sanctioned kissing. It was a long road to my inner teenager finally getting laid, and to ‘giving my virginity to God’, and to my wife, but it felt great, it felt so right, and with God’s guarantee and blessing to boot! We never looked back, for a long time, until we did, some 20 years later.


Metatron: What are you feeling, Raphael?

Raphael: yeah…. feel and heal, feel and heal…

Metatron: I’m just vibing again what I learned from you…

Raphael: Thank you Metatron, time to digest a bit here isn’t it?

As I’m sharing this story, it’s changing me on the inside again. I’m feeling the part of me then, very present in this Now, Marvin, as I was named then, and have since differentiated and gotten to know as a part of me, who so wanted so much, and wanted to bargain with God to get that ‘so much’, who was also afraid to get anything less. ‘I’ll give you all this God, if you’ll give me that’.

I’m also feeling how much pain Marvin carried inside of his bones too that began around being conceived inside of the cocoon of my mom’s deep and unmoving depression, from his very conception, born into my mom’s lineage of feminine suppression under a patriarchal God, with a patriarchal dad, and a patriarchal husband, and a mom and entire social world in similar lockdown. I know that by the time Marvin made it through the gauntlet of his teens, through the these sudden shifts, he wanted to find the ‘lying down in green pastures’ spoken of in Psalm 23. He wanted to find the way to live that was blessed and guaranteed by God. He was so stunningly surprised that the adult world was actually this fucked up, and no one was doing anything about it, though he had now parted with that kind of language, and anything else that could be remotely considered a vice.

Marvin has since gone on to transmute into my Inner Child, and then my Magical Child, and even beyond as I feel him mostly now in my Star-seed Galactic Self that arose recently whom I call Andy. We sometimes sing our own version of the familiar Sunday School song ‘Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me, Andy tells me I am his own’, which is kind of a perfect digestion of all that God seeking churchy feelings of how it was connection with our own being we were seeking the whole time. We couldn’t see that for what it was and so we arranged for ‘God’ to hold that for safekeeping.

Merlin: Andy is like the friggin’ best! He knows fun and wonderworld walking like no one I know. If you want to go play, call on Marvin, or Andy rather, or both! Let’s get this party started in here.

Raphael: I know right. It’s a bit serious in here isn’t it, but I just have one more piece to feel today and it gets to the heart of this journey to face the Demiurge.

Merlin: Okay, that’s good too, I’m sure it will lead to fun eventually.

Raphael: I think so too, Merlin, and thank you for your patience… 🙂

The piece that is dawning in me, and on me, is feeling how much I, and my beloved parts of me shaped God in my own image, even created this creator being. Granted, It was my family conditioning this life that got me up and running with this set to my sails, but I needed to shape this God into a spaceholder of my Higher Self that I couldn’t consciously yet see or feel inside my own heart.

I’m looking for the right words to put around this…

I mean in the sense that I was afraid of my own heart and its capacity to feel. I know that wasn’t just about this life’s wounding though this life wounding was also needed to backlight it all in order for it to come to the light of day.

You could say, I used God, projected onto God, the Demiurge, my unconscious sense of my Higher Self.

Metatron, can you help me out here, what am I trying to put words around?

Metatron: What I feel it as is kind of simple. You made God into the monster that he had no choice but to become; becoming dis-eased with a greatness that he, and it, was unable to bear, having neither earned it, nor being worthy of it. And as they say ‘power tends to corrupt, and absolute power corrupts absolutely’. You, along with the rest of us, made the Demiurge into an ‘absolute authority’; an ‘outside of us’ projection of our innate perfection and power, that we couldn’t yet relate with. That’s enough to cook anyone’s goose.

Raphael: Wow, when you put it that way, it makes me feel like I owe him an apology…

Metatron: …something to feel into, for sure. We all did this though, Raphael . And we all need to face the monster of our own creation.

Raphael: And what if there’s only a few of us ready to begin that?

Metatron: Then that makes us the ones to stand in the gap between the Demiurge and man. Sounds a bit heady, I know, but it’s real. The Demiurge doesn’t need to make his peace with all men and women individually to find and feel his remorse, his anger, his feelings. He only needs one actually, because, as with anything in the universe, the one, or any one, contains the all.

Merlin: You smoke the best stuff Metatron. I say we break and party-on at your pad. We have to get ready for Christmas a bit too which is tomorrow. Sounds like your talking total Christ child stuff, pretty timely if we’re gonna go by the Christian calendar. We could even redeem some Christmas carols out of the YouTube and have a sing along. You feel like ‘Hark the herald Angels sing’ kind of Archangel!

Raphael: Merlin, you know how to put a bow on things. That about says it for now, doesn’t it everyone? Wow, this gives us, and I know me for sure, some more digesting to do.

Let’s pick up again tomorrow. Thank you everyone, everyone here, everyone beyond, and everyone yet gathering, to form this one posse of hearts as an Ambassadorship to the Demiurge. The Demiurge, I feel is beginning to be expecting us. Thank you especially for feeling and helping me digest my own story too again today. I know I’d like another day or two to digest a few more pieces of my own story together. We are soon about to learn the Demiurge’s side of this story, but all things in their time.
Raphael Awen is co-creator, teacher, and facilitator of the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life. Visit for more information about Weekly Sessions, Live Streams, Videos, and Community.

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Day 5 ~ Journal To The Demiurge

Journal To The Demiurge w Raphael Awen

By Raphael Awen

(This is Day 5 of an ongoing series, to begin at day 1, go here:

Raphael: Good Morning All. I am feeling the rising excitement of this journey again. It felt so good to time-travel to the early pieces of my life story, feeling how my allegiance to the Demiurge formed and took hold, and feeling all of you feel me, in that.

It also felt good to take yesterday off being Christmas to breathe, to feel and to let in love. Last days journal took over 5 hours just to write, and feel as we went, and to post. I’m feeling an expanded sense of the epicness, if I could call it that, of where this could go, and where it wants to go. I also want very much to feel all there is to feel as we go, and to have fun doing it. If there’s one thing I feel now about hanging around in the past, I feel we should at least rearrange the furniture while we’re spending time there. And the furniture I’d rearrange would be the furnishing of my own heart with more space to feel myself and all my parts courageously doing life, being with life, seeking love. I get to do some more of that today.

There’s a way that even going through hell can be rewarding if we’re willing to feel all there is to feel, feel our why’s, our wants and especially our frustrations. They are all huge signposts. I’ve decided that if it ain’t fun, in this sense of being rewarding, I want nothing to do with it. In my book, it’s now a big Demiurge delusion that life is supposed to be hard, or boring, or aimless. The other thing I’m into is adventure, always have been really, and this journey is looking like about as big a piece as any.

Metatron: Good Morning Raphael. Good morning All, in the fullest sense of the Allness. Rhodes, Merlin, Jim, yes, you too Jim, we’re going to need help from the other side in due time, and Good Morning to this growing posse of hearts, following this, reading this, feeling this. You are the incubation of the epic something that Raphael is speaking to as you let this story weave into the feeling tones of your own story. Let it engender within you the waves of desire and the awakening of each and everyone of your astounding uniqueness and value. This is a seed, and like any seed, it has an infinite number of seeds within it. We’re not about the finite number of seeds contained in an apple. We’re about the in-finite number of apples contained in a seed.

Raphael: I love how you can raise the frequency about 67 notches in 30 seconds or less, Metatron. Wow.

Metatron: You have us on a good frequency as well, please keep going. I just had some juice to let flow through.

Raphael: I so know I wouldn’t have the go for this journey were it not for your energy and guidance, and it’s feeling sooo good again today, thank you.

Before, I go back to my story, Metatron, can you tell me about what the Demiurge is up to with this intention? Do you know if he knows what we’re attempting?

Metatron: Funny you should ask that, I got confirmation just today that he is up to speed on every word. Consider yourself and ourselves engaged to be engaged. And, it feels like he could, and we could use some time to get acquainted further, from a distance, I mean, so take all the time you need to process it all as we go. Your story telling feels important. We have all of time itself to get this right, and it’s urgently what the entire universe is waiting for, both are true at the same time.

Raphael: Okay, no pressure or anything? My…, you have a way with words.

Metatron: In the beginning was the word…

Raphael: And the word was with God and the word was God…

Metatron: And dangit if the Demiurge didn’t see an opportunity to fill in the blank while we waited to come up to speed with this truth and with our own godhood, Raphael.

Raphael: And I’ll bet he isn’t having the best time of it about now? His threats of hell have only tied him to being a jail keeper – not much fun at the best of times, right? I can’t imagine him having any fun, if it ever was fun being him.

Metatron: It’s complicated though, Raphael. On one hand, we created him from our own subconscious, and we commissioned and authorized him to be the monster we made him, and on the other hand, he doesn’t know anything different and is afraid to let go. He is inextricably linked with us till we undo our own creation.

Raphael: Could we say ‘In the ‘re’-beginning was the word’?

Metatron: We’re being invited to feel that with this Journal, with every word, every logos, that we utter; to feel it as being divine reason re-beginning a new world order internally that seeds into the collective…

Raphael: Feeling that pauses my story for a bit…

Metatron: Feeling that actually helps tell your story, Raphael. Go on and we’ll figure where it intertwines as we go…

Raphael: Okay, as I said, I’m getting a big gift from telling this story, and I can feel parts of me buckle in. They were all there, but we never got the space to feel it like we are now, on these levels.

Where was I?

Merlin: You was just getting settled with Mar-yam in the new chandelier swinging church.

Raphael: Thank you Merlin, good feeling your magical presence here. Get this, yesterday, Gabriel gave us a Christmas card depiction of you soaring through the Cosmos, Metatron as a combination of a cosmic cowboy and a skinny Santa Claus, And even Andy riding bareback too, all heading for audience with the Demiurge. I’ll share it in this post today. It’s totally rad, as they say in California. It captures the energy so awesomely.

So, yes, I was on a fairly new track. 21 years old, married, and so hungry to serve God, to make a difference for God, and as I said, a little less consciously, also hungry to escape boredom while I was at it.

After our first year of marriage, and working at pay-the-bills kinds of jobs, Mar-yam confronted me after work one fall Friday as a long weekend was approaching, with the crazy idea of visiting friends 2 provinces away to check into joining in with a mission project they were involved with. We actually left, 6 hours later, after a phone call, and me getting the incredulous look off my face. We knew we were in danger of settling for the norm if we kept this pattern running. We decided it was for us, came home, squared away, gave away, sold off, and loaded up and were back there in 6 weeks.

We shared this uncanny ability to jump ship when the guidance came, but she was usually the one to help me break the spell of whatever the current pattern was, given a part of me’s attachment to familiarity.

Over the years, our desire to get into the cherished ‘full time ministry’ never quite materialized. After a year away in the neighboring province, we returned home where I began finding jobs as a self employed painter with a whole bunch of my innate desires and passions funneling into building that while serving God, or, in order to serve God, as we framed it.

We self funded our way to regular short term mission trips, a few early ones to Mexico with a small, but exciting mission in Tijuana headed by other friends we were close to; One to Hong Kong with the founders of our church, and several to different places and projects in the Philippines that continued over our two decades together. We were Bible School grads, fancied ourselves teachers, and in the groups our church was a part of overseas, the locals were more than happy to let us take the pulpit, with our white skin and all.

We dreamt of our first child, and she ended up coming along for the ride in utero for our first trip overseas. Family; extended family; missionary travel; what was now referred to as a ‘business’ complete with employees; and even building our own home, were all a part of the picture by the time our second daughter came along 6 years in.

As these realities matured and as the desires ebbed and flowed through our lives, something was brewing in my soul though that was very undeniable, but equally being efforted to keep concealed and suppressed at the same time by parts of me. It was hard to put my finger on. During Bible School, a guest prophetic minister had prophesied publicly over me personally during a laying-on-of-hands service one day something to the effect of ‘don’t fight against the establishment’. Though I didn’t have a file for his words that day, they would come back to haunt me in due time.

I was looked up to by our church circle, as well as in each of our families. We both had leadership and budding teaching positions in the church, leading home groups, participating in services. I loved my daughters as much as life itself. Mar-yam and I only had eyes for each other, and settled deeply into being married for life.

In our 10th year together, I watched with a lot of discomfort as the inner core leadership circle of our church went through choosing sides in a personality conflict battle that was enough to blow up our little haven, this side of heaven. Having a conflict of that nature or of that magnitude wasn’t what got underneath my skin, but rather the active suppression of any ability of the men in the leadership circle to face the issue. It was all a default pattern of saving face and a pretense to hold things together for the next Sunday morning, under the guise of ‘preserving God’s house’. I was pretty convinced God wasn’t in as bad of shape as they made him out to be. This proved to be a deeply etched unwavering pattern that came up repeatedly to simply ignore a given reality in the name of not disturbing the sheep. The more I witnessed them, the more I felt at a deep loss combined with a frustration.

One day at early morning men’s prayer circle, we were joining hands praying loudly in tongues (‘motor-mouthing’ as a part of me would later come to call it), calling God into the scenes of our self created chaos, and I felt so pretzeled about asserting that maybe we should be facing the relational issues between us instead of, or at least, along with all of this passionate prayer. When we broke that day, I called Charlie, a fellow elder aside, and told him gently what I felt. He let me finish, paused for effect, looked me straight in the eye and said, quoting Jesus no less, ‘Are you for us or against us?’ Then he turned and walked away.

The moment of my truth finally came for me when I spoke to the men at our weekly Tuesday night elders meeting. I gathered my courage, opened my mouth and said to the 4 others present, ‘Guys, we’re all in a ditch, but I’m one step ahead of you. I’m willing to admit that and you’re not’. They looked at me kind of funny before the pastor did one of his usual lighten up the moment kind of comments.

My resignation letter followed a few days letter. I never did get my status of ‘Elder In Training’ upgraded to ‘Elder’ as the Pastor, a man near my young age, could sense in me the lacking loyalty, that it seemed that not even I was as in touch with.

The growing disparity between the ‘power of God’ that we all adhered to and championed compared with the growing powerlessness we practiced in our relationships with one another was leading me to feel deeper into the relational disparity inside of my own heart. Part of me tried hard to cover it over with new bigger and better projects or clients in my business. Money seemed to keep growing as a result, which often led Mar-yam and I to consider another mission trip.

Around that same time, just prior to this fallout, we decided to take our young family to the Philippines for a little longer trip of up to 6 months to join some close friends on an exciting mission that our church was recently all into. We were being asked to verify and solidify the relationship with the local pastor there and his congregation in hopes of becoming more involved, with more people and more money. The pastor there was reputed to be the ‘former second in command of the communist party’ in the Philippines and was now a genuine, born-again powerhouse for God. The fanfare of it all didn’t thrill me as much as the excuse to see if we could somehow get deeper into what our hearts really found exciting, as well as escape the growing relational problems in our home church. Maybe a brand new infusion of purpose and focus would sort out both me and the church.

It was amazing to watch the needed money come in through the business in time to match the intention, as usual, with a short notice. It was also a good experience to create some space around my tendency for a one track focus in my work life. Within 2 months of planning, we had our airfares for four and money together, an employee to keep the business alive, and 2 close friends to drive us the 3 hours to the Seattle airport.

Something very unusual happened in the airport that day just prior to boarding, and as I’m liking the vibe of storytelling, and you all listening so sweetly, I think I’ll just plow on into that story if that’s okay? This is a lot, how’s it all landing in the moment, Merlin?

Merlin: You got me spellbound, Raphael. What a planet you lived on! I say, rock on.

Raphael: Are these church and God frequencies a bit dense to take in?

Merlin: They would be if they weren’t coming from you, Raphael, but with your heart that’s found a way through it all, I’m liking feeling what it really felt and looked like to be inside,… even to be not consciously wanting or looking for a way out…. Wow.

Raphael: Okay, good, I’ll go with that then, Merlin. Thank you. Serving the Demiurge really is a captivating experience, pun intended or not, take your pick, where we chose it, because on so many levels, we felt we were in the coolest deal on the planet and the only one that had any real meaning for that matter. If 90 some percent of the whole world was going to hell without a personal relationship with Jesus as their savior, then what could compare to addressing that need? I had no clue then about the ocean of unfelt emotional need, and unworth I was still very much carrying around, as I felt God had taken care of that for me when coming out of my teens in exchange for giving my life over to him. Truth is, more money, another mission trip, more status in the church, none of it was able to completely cover over the hemorrhage of what my heart was bleeding into my space.

So, back to the airport in Seattle that day. We’ve said goodbye to our friends and gotten checked in and are waiting the last hour or so at the gate and already, it’s been a long day, with a 16 hour flight still to come including a pit stop in Tokyo, en route to Manila. The boarding gate was filled with a mixture of Filipino and Asian families waiting to board the sold out flight.

Our daughters aged 3 and 5 took to playing a bit with the Filipino children in front of us which felt cute to witness as I again acclimated to my fondness for the Filipino people. It had been 6 years since our first trip there.

A Filipino man was seated next to me in the crowded space, and when the boarding call was made, and as we rustled from our waiting slumber, I acknowledged him for the first time as our children and his had already made a connection.

I asked him where he was heading to in the Philippines, after landing in the capital. He explained that he was just there getting his mother and his children onto the flight. He asked me the same question in return and I told him the name of the province we were headed to, to do some missions work, having recently memorized it, ‘Ilocos Sur’, another 9 hours by bus to the north in this country of 81 provinces, over 7,200 islands, and a population well over double the size of my Canada.

He smiled and said, ‘oh, that’s the province my mom is from, but now she lives in the capital’. I was warming up to the familiar Filipino sounding English that he spoke that I actually missed, and was soon to get a whole bunch more of. 

Naturally, his next question was, ‘What city or town are you going to?’ I was glad again, that I had remembered a bit from my discussions with friends, as we had never before been in the North of the country before, and told him ‘Santa Maria’. His smile grew larger as he said,‘Santa Maria!, that is my mom’s hometown.’ We both took a minute feeling the incredulity of all this mixed in with keeping an ear out for the sequenced boarding calls, an eye on the children, with our boarding passes and passports in hands.

He then said, ‘who are you going to see there?’ Again, I recalled the name as well as the correct pronunciation of the Pastor of the tiny independent church we were going to be working with there, having never met him, but we had spoke to him on the phone a week or so prior. I was sure this was going to end the list of coincidences now stacking up. I told him the name, ‘Marben Magmay’, the first name being easy to remember as it was the Filipino equivalent to my first name at the time of Marvin. His jaw dropped again, and he said with yet another big friendly Filipino smile, ‘I know Marben, I need to get a message to Marben’s brother actually, will you be the one to take it to Marben for me?’

My head was sure spinning about this time as I’m looking at my wife taking this all in as the man found pen and paper and wrote out a short note in the northern dialect, and handed it to me. I recall being a bit too stunned to ask what the message was about and of course, I couldn’t read the local dialect. About then, we said our goodbyes as he needed to get his elderly mom boarded. I learned we had another 10 minutes or so before our row was going to board, so I got up to walk a few paces to try and digest all this.

I took a few minutes to digest what felt like an energy rush through me. There was a lot of prep, money and energy to get this trip to happen, and so far, there hadn’t been anything overtly that could be seen as a ‘big miracle confirmation’ that God, or the Holy Spirit was ‘supernaturally’ leading this journey, other than what we called the ‘still small voice’ inside along with the extra money manifesting naturally with some focus and intention. This coincidence just then was more the kinds of ‘miracles’ that were the coveted stock-in-trade of our ‘full gospel, spirit-filled, word of faith’ type churches we were a part of. We all longed to have personal testimonies like these to share (or brag about) in church. All I was able to make of it all as I stretched my legs prior to boarding, was that God was tipping his hand of favor and blessing, saying a warm and personal ‘hello’, as I couldn’t see any direct significance to the message itself, now sitting in my front shirt pocket that I had agreed to be the postman for. It looked like something as simple and mundane as little more than ‘call me’ along with a phone number as I recall it. How cooler still would it have been if it was really tied to something world changing? Nonetheless, it went in as a deep personal validation, from God, no less.

This so gets to the heart of what the part of me, who was me at the time, wanted from God, a personal validation, the ‘well done, my good and faithful Servant’ kind of heartfelt validation. I had gone from knowing I would end up in hell if I died at 17 to knowing I was now in good with God, and I wanted to let the world know. I was feeling pretty high, as I couldn’t see how else God could be more outspoken. ‘God’ was sending us on this trip.

Mar-yam and I digested the conversation a couple more times as the flight got underway, beginning our way to our first stop in Tokyo, before continuing onto Manila, letting it color our hearts as a very unique personal blessing from God. I loved feeling all this from 35,000 feet.

The story doesn’t end there though, as far as airport coincidences go. Something almost as magical occurred all over again on the next leg of the trip.

But I’m feeling to let some water under the bridge and take this up again next day. Everything in its own time.

Metatron: Wow, Raphael. I’m so feeling the ache for the acknowledgement of God you spoke to, going from the fear of hell to the bliss of heaven, Wow.

Raphael: Oh, yes, there was nothing greater in my books.

Before I jumped ship from the family church to this one, the real reason I did was because their God wasn’t a boring traditional rule maker, but an exciting one that interacted supernaturally in people’s lives, and gave out this kind of personal validation. I ached to feel God approve of me, or I should say, a part of me ached for God’s approval. There was nothing else that mattered. If I could pursue that, and qualify for that, along with a happy family and children at the same time, that was thee deal.

Metatron: ‘Qualify for…..?’

Raphael: Afraid so. We were all so firmly entrenched in a ‘love in return for obedience’ picture, that it would be yet a few more years before I would begin to get under the edges of that, but eventually, more dramas and events later, just that began to awaken in me.

Metatron: I’m gonna pause to take in here and let whomever would like to respond to share.

Raphael: before we pause for today…

Jim: Wow, I’ve got something to feel in all this, but I need to feel some more around it all and maybe share next day.

Raphael: Thanks Jim, or Dad, as Marvin knew you. I’d like to feel what’s brewing for you.

Andy: I like the 35,000 feet part! That’s where the Demiurge doesn’t have any of his sad stuff happening and that’s where I began to learn to fly, and where I still do. Wayne and I have been taking daily spins in our Merkabah all over the place from Golden Earth and back!

Raphael: Yea, Andy, my beautiful Starbeing Self, who once was Marvin, who once was my inner child, now gone galactic, riding the rays with Wayne, who led my life for 8 years more recently, on this other side of knowing the Demiurge.

Did you see you in Gabriel’s artwork riding right behind Metatron, on Merlin?

Andy: It’s like thee best! Thank you Gabriel. If you never hear from me again, it’s only because I got lost in all the dimensions.

Raphael: I don’t like that idea…

Andy: Okay, I’ll try to remember how to get back from all the places I have on my list to see and travel to, but I can’t promise, you may have to come and find me…

Raphael: Okay, that’s a deal. I want to see all them places too!

So, All, Let’s take a pause here again, but not before I again say thank you to the Gathering Posse Of Hearts. If this story is resonating in your heart, then that resonance and your willingness to feel it is creating a quantum something that accesses this realm and makes for a grander result for all of us. The handful of us in this direct story can do something pretty wild for sure, but with you, riding with us and in our hearts together, we can do something so out of this world, that it will take generations for this new arising story to be told, and tolled.
Raphael Awen is co-creator, teacher, and facilitator of the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life. Visit for more information about Weekly Sessions, Live Streams, Videos, and Community.

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Day 6 ~ Journal To The Demiurge

Journal To The Demiurge with Raphael Awen Day 6

By Raphael Awen

(This is Day 6 of an ongoing series, to begin at day 1, go here:

Raphael: Hello again, Wow, Day 6 all. Upward and onward to the Demiurge, Shall we?

Metatron: We shall.

Raphael: Any check ins, anyone?

Jim: I’ll go.

Raphael: Perfect.

Jim: I was listening and taking in deeply the sharing of your story, Raphael, over the last few days. At times, I was just so overcome with a deep sadness for what I wasn’t able to begin to see or feel with you as it was happening, as you were growing up, or entering adulthood, while I was the one you called ‘dad’. I can so feel now how your draw to the Demiurge came in as a placeholder for what you and I couldn’t find together, and for what your heart needed. I need to say again how deep that sorrow feeling goes. I am so, so sorry, Raphael. You deserved more, and I so short changed myself as well with what I could have known and experienced with you.

Raphael: Thank you, Jim. That goes in, again. Must still be some pieces for us to feel there together. Infinite healing, I guess we could call it. Aside from any labels though, I feel the genuine heart chord you are vibrating at right now and it feels so good. Marvin gets now that I chose all of this on a soul level, but it still touches deeply the wounds felt in 3D. And it opens the heart more too, to feel any and all remorse as often as it comes up, till it’s done, if it’s ever done.

Jim: When I grow up, I want to be like you, Raphael. Thank you everyone for feeling me this morning. I hope I’m not too much, it’s just a bit of a task helping out from the other side.

Raphael: You are never too much, Jim. I’m glad you checked in. Who else is feeling something?

Rhodes: I’m feeling something…

Raphael: Please, Rhodes…

Rhodes: I guess… I’ll just recap what we felt together earlier today, Raphael?

Raphael: I know I’d love to hear it in your words, Rhodes, and it feels so important to this journey we are all undertaking. And to those still catching up with our story, Rhodes is my personal Gatekeeper, who resonates at a much higher frequency than 3D, and holds access to other dimensions. We all have one, or more maybe, and I’m very glad to have Rhodes!

Rhodes: Okay, so, yesterday, what was really coming up for me was a despair, of not feeling that excited about the next evolution in Raphael’s life. This was hard to admit, and I don’t think I’ve ever really let myself feel that before. Anything to try and stay positive. I wasn’t able to hide that feeling though this morning as it got really pushed up while Raphael shared about his journey this life. I can call it ‘his’ journey now, but that’s another recent development too. It has felt like my journey for as long as I can remember up till recently. As I was saying, this despair came up strong and Raphael asked me to just feel it together. I was able to feel, and to even admit that the next big discovery, or realization, which I’ve always been attached to in the past, just felt aimless to me now.

I know we have a God hunger, or a divine hunger, I should call it, that still lives inside, well on the other side of the Demiurge variety that is so much more alive, and so much more meaningful, but I just wasn’t into it somehow. I couldn’t quite feel why, when Raphael said, ‘Maybe, being with me in the way you have been isn’t where or how you’re supposed to be?’. He meant that I’m to be vibrating at a higher, more native frequency, not so invested this intensely in what’s happening or not happening in Raphael’s life. I just let out a great big bunch of heartache tears about then. I’ve been a bit jealous feeling Wayne and Andy take up residence in Golden Earth, coming back and forth as they please, and I know I’m meant to be there and beyond too. It landed in me that there has been a big mission accomplished here that I couldn’t see.

I hope I’m not taking up too much space with all this.

Raphael: We can take up the next four years with this, if we want to Rhodes. The Demiurge has been around a long time and isn’t going anywhere. And what we feel and heal together rumbles all the way, even to the big old pain the Demiurge is carrying around.

Rhodes: That feels good to feel…

Raphael: Actually,.. or maybe I should ask Metatron for input here, instead of trying to channel him. Metatron?

Metatron: Actually…, I was feeling a rumble, Raphael, and Rhodes, what an epic movement and celebration, wow! This is the real deal. This is the quantum healing we’ve been waiting for. My goodness, so many directions to go in at once. Let me take a moment….

The Demiurge has been born of consciousness, as were all of us, you, me, each and every part of us going through an awakening process, being re-membered back to love as you like to say Raphael. Before the awakening and remembering though was a separation, or what felt like a separation, an unavoidable soul birth trauma as Divine allness or oneness became two. All fear has its roots in this experience of what could only be felt at the time as separation from the Divine. All the world’s religions and every spirituality to this day exist in an attempt to address these fears one way or the other, some legitimately, many questionably.

Consciousness expanded itself into duality, from oneness into twoness. Prior to that, there was no such thing as ‘other’. What we are learning now however, and taking all the time we need to in that learning, is that though we were given individuality, or as we were ‘otherized’ into existence, you could say, there still is nothing that is ‘other’ to the divine. Not even the Demiurge for that matter. There is only that which is still awakening to the oneness that was retained in the separation. It’s separation without losing oneness if you can grok that somehow.

Okay, I’m going a bit ‘meta’ here I realize, but that’s my name, Meta-tron. Rhodes, how’s this landing in you? Is it bridging to what you are feeling?

Rhodes: It does, Metatron, on a high level bridging for sure. As I dial it down a few levels, I feel how all of our life dramas are connected to this soul birth trauma as you are calling it, as well as the subsequent awakening and remembering processes. I’ve already been able to feel some pretty big aches in the Metasoul that were bleeding into my reality, and I’m feeling that some of this despair is about wanting to be in my native frequency as I said, but other pieces of it are about unfelt despair in some of my and Raphael’s Metasoul brothers too. It’s going to get interesting feeling and distinguishing all that. So, the situation report for the moment is that I don’t think I am, or necessarily need to be as disinterested in Raphael’s life as I said I was feeling, AND, I still want to spread my wings to much more of my multidimensionality going forward.

Raphael: I’m feeling you have a perspective on all this Merlin…

Merlin: I do, a really nice warm and fuzzy one, that has enough clarity for my liking at the same time. I’m feeling this process for you, Rhodes, is perfectly on time with the journey at hand.

The Demiurge long ago took to reigning in these lower dimensions, but it so doesn’t feel like he is having fun doing it, or that he is in his native frequency being here. I mean, beings that are having fun don’t need that much control, or duty and obligation to keep their deal afloat. It’s so obvious that we are dealing with an unhappy camper who doesn’t know anything different, but wants to, possibly,… at least, I’m hoping that ‘want to’ is dawning on him; that a new deal is possible and his own deeper desires are coming into his awareness. If that’s true, then your awakening, Rhodes, mirrors his, and is just what’s wanting to move through consciousness now.

Raphael: Wow, like even the Demiurge is going through an Ascension process…?

Merlin: …like even the Demiurge is ascending, yes, or being offered Ascension is actually more accurate. Nothing happens outside of free will, but the window for it is ripening big time.

Raphael: Then, I’m feeling how we can’t offer anything that we aren’t deeply experiencing ourselves.

Merlin: Bingo! And if we are picking up on the bigger rumble, that the Demiurge is getting close to being done with his Heavenly Father persona, that’s the only way this ambassadorship will achieve anything. Timing is everything as they say, for us to approach him while we are in possession of something he longs for. Ambassadorships work through beneficial mutual exchange. We can only expect to gain audience with him if we possess something he wants. Your journey, Rhodes, is an excellent example of coming free, breaking ancient chains, smelling very fresh air, outside the prison doors, overlooking the beautiful inviting valley.

Raphael: Okay, well that expands the picture here again this morning. We’re inviting the Demiurge out of his prison for the first time…. Holeeee!

I know this is all pure blasphemy of the highest order to those still under the Demiurge’s reign, but hopefully, we won’t encounter too much of their resistance. We can just quietly sneak up, unlock their prison doors too, and split. Let them figure it out when they’re ready and we don’t take any buckshot in the process.

I think all this could use some settling and baking time inside all of us, and assuming the Demiurge has us on speed dial now, and is listening and up to speed with everything we’re up to, then I’ll bet, he could use a bit of acclimation time too, right?

Andy: So let’s take out the Merkabah for a Galactic spin then. There’s some galaxies we could visit that are not too far out of our own solar system. There’s major cool stuff there, and no Demiurge.

Raphael: Andy, we so need all that and more, but I’m wondering how that could jive with me taking the time to share more today of our this-life, this-dimension story in Christianity?  

Andy: Okay, How about if we all pile into the Merkabah and I can dial up some scenery then as we do?

Raphael: Sounds Perfect, Andy. I know I can use some higher Starseed frequencies to help going back to reliving some of this stuff. I’ll bet there still is some undigested pieces to feel, or I wouldn’t be drawn to retell the story.

Where was I?

Jim: You said that wasn’t the end of the airport coincidences that day in the airport.

Raphael: Right, let me launch back in there then.

So, Mar-yam and I and our two daughters are making our way across the Pacific at 35,000 feet digesting this wild coincidence, or in our books, a miracle, that happened just before boarding. I didn’t know the word ‘synchronicity’ at the time, or relate to them the way I do now. It gave us a warm feeling to digest an obvious ‘supernatural’ sign of God’s blessing or approval on the mission ahead, and on ourselves if we could feel it as that.

We landed for our short stopover in Tokyo, where we have to switch planes. Seats are in short supply when we check in, so I end up sitting one row ahead with Mar-yam and the girls just behind me on this final leg with a four or five hour flight into Manila.

My desired window seat is a great place to be alone with my thoughts and feel a whole dimension of something that I so rarely get to feel, so I settle into my own cocoon. As the flight begins its descent into Manila, the people on board naturally begin to stir, and I make a motion to greet my seat mate for the first time on my left, a middle-aged Asian man. We did the usual by asking where each other was headed after landing in the capital. I again recited the name of the province we were very soon to be headed by bus. He smiles and says, ‘Oh, that’s where my family is from, but we live in Manila now.’ He of course asks, ‘What city?’, I tell him, and his smile grows wider, he responds, ‘That’s where my family is from.’ I don’t know if I could take this anymore at this point, and luckily, he didn’t personally know of the Pastor I was going to visit, but he did know the family name.

Wow, I was just digesting one coincidence and got another one stacked on top of it. The question of ‘what are the chances…?’ didn’t even enter my mind as I so felt this was outside of the realm of mere chance. It was a personal confirmation of God being in this.

We landed and crowded our way off the plane as I shared this story with Mar-yam, without much time to digest it, making our way through the luggage and customs gauntlet. If I didn’t get the message with the first coincidence, I was given another to make sure I got it. I did get the message, yet I struggled to know what it’s deeper meanings might be.

Within a day of arriving, after another long ride, this one by bus, we met with Marben and Amy, the Pastor couple, along with their family and very welcoming congregation.

Given their esteem for us; along with all of our cultural and logistical bridging needs in a very foreign country; in an out-of-the-way town; our daily travels etc.; we formed a tight knit feeling of bond and community together that we all hoped would naturally extend well into the future with many comings and goings between us as well as our churches.

A few days after arriving, I did meet Marben’s brother and gave him the note I had for him from the Filipino man I had sat beside while boarding in Seattle. He smiled lightly at the coincidence, and simply read the note and stuck it in his shirt pocket. I recall feeling a bit disappointed that it wasn’t somehow anything more significant, or supernatural.

One day, I recall disappointing Marben badly by wearing my overseas footwear of choice; flip flops; while setting out to speak with a large group at a city wide gathering. We found our way through the cultural differences sufficiently to grow deeper and deeper over the short period of time, with a mostly natural ease.

Nearing the end of our time together however, a troubling growing awareness of some huge disintegrities arose that Marben seemed to be keeping well under wraps. It appeared that he was involved sexually somehow with the pretty and vulnerable Bible School students that the church led; that he was also not detached from the local communist party like he claimed he was; and also that church finances were going sideways off the books.

The other leaders from our church group had left a week earlier and had chickened out from addressing any of this, hoping I would surrender to the usual default same face-saving charade and just ‘cool off Marben’s way’ after a ‘nice’ church send-off service. Voila.

I knew all that Marben and we had talked about in regards to ongoing deeper involvement and being overseas ‘sister churches’ was off the table. There was no way we could go home and support any of that now, with what we suspected.

What I couldn’t bring myself to do though was to play the charade card. I knew an extra special send-off service was planned for us the following weekend and so the pressure to keep nice was about as strong as it could get.

The next day, when Marben dropped by as usual, I found my courage and told him about the 3 questions about him that had arose, which left unresolved would hinder all that we had hoped to share together going forward. I made it as easy as possible on myself and rolled it all into one sentence. He let me finish, pierced his eyes like daggers along with his forefinger and said, ‘That’s right, you don’t know’, and headed for the door. Our next time to see him was him smiling warmly as usual for the send off service where the locals piled us high with flowers and even received a love offering to help send us on our way.  

The last thing I did before boarding the return flight home was to find a mailbox in the airport to mail him a letter I wrote him confirming that we would not be continuing with any of the plans we had made until when and if things got resolved.

It was a tough one to digest going from feeling all of this ‘supernatural confirmation from God’ through the coincidences at the outset of this trip to this kind of a death on the way out the door.

Returning back home to our church, the fellow Elders and Pastor weren’t interested in debriefing any of this in any kind of a relational way as it was just an embarrassment, and ‘a bit of spiritual warfare to put behind us’ so the real work of God could go on unhindered.

The again default pattern of not facing and feeling real relational issues inside of our personal and leadership relationships was reaching a boiling point in me. Mar-yam and I had lamented it ongoingly now for years. I knew I wasn’t about to rip anyone’s head off, but I sure as hell couldn’t remain in this kind of a charade forever.

I sadly gave myself to the finding and diving into the next painting contract. In the world of contracting, we made a promise and kept it, and that somehow felt like a balm of integrity in the face of the game playing we did in church, that more and more and more, I was on the edge of losing my stomach for. I wasn’t aware of any misgivings towards God, but we, as his people, were sure a sad pathetic sight is how I felt about it at the time.

Metatron: Wow, Raphael, what a universe!

Raphael: I know, huh. It’s like I’m right back there at the moment, feeling myself as Marvin so looking for a way through the jungle, while being afraid to feel how much of a jungle it was at the same time. What do you make of it all, Metatron?

Metatron: I get it, Raphael. As being part of the church, you were all fired up to take God’s truth to the far flung places on the planet. You had thee instruction guide for meaningful relationships, and this was the best you were able to come up with. That has got to be maddening.

Raphael: That was maddening for sure. But what was even more maddening was the unwillingness to admit any of it. Truth was, and this took me some more years inside of all this to feel, is that there was a lot inside of myself I wasn’t willing to face, that I needed to keep hidden. It wasn’t as glaringly obvious as chasing women, or dipping into church finances, but it was stuff I was subconsciously very geared to not feel or face.

Part of me was using God and the hopeful focus of really making my life ‘count for God’ as a way to not feel what this part of me so wanted to escape feeling, believing that feeling that would be the end of me. At the time however, I couldn’t feel any of that hidden subconscious stuff. I could however feel very clearly that the key to finding our way through the jungle was to get real, to get real with each other, to get real with God, with whatever we could feel as real.

The admission I made in the elders circle, and resignation letter that I mentioned last day, came within months of returning home from this trip. I needed to take my own medicine and get real with myself. Mar-yam and I soon left our beloved all-in church behind, and went on to join one where we had no knowledge of the inner workings. I simply didn’t want to know, and feared that if I did, I wouldn’t be able to hang out there either.

I see now, that it was at this point that my belief and intense focus on the Bible as ‘thee deal’ lightened some, even if I couldn’t admit that either at the time. I opened myself back up to non-Christian music and reading, which I had been conditioned deeply to feel as backsliding. Who’d have guessed, for instance, that a Mormon, a decidedly deceived person, in our particular staunch Christian mindset that is, like Stephen Covey, could write such a grounded and genuinely helpful book like 7 Habits Of Highly Successful People without threatening hell, or sounding like a street preacher?

I knew two things instinctively at the time. One was that ‘God was for us’ and the other was that ‘He needed us to reach for the help we sought.’ I reached for the self-help aisle in the local bookstores and checked in from time to time to see if any Christian authors in the Christian bookstore had got real in the meantime.

It was a journey from this point over the course of the next 14 years, of slowly, but surely, thinning out one ‘pillar of the faith’ after the other. I did come across a small group claiming to still be true Christians, but had dispensed with many of the popular Evangelical claims, teaching a very alternative message. I dove deeply into two particular teachers in that movement for a good while. Mar-yam found it a breath of such fresh air as well, and we were even surprised to find two couples in our circle of long standing friends that were ready and hungry for a similar shift in focus. It allowed us some personal quiet breathing room, to feel into more of what we believed and why, while not jeopardizing our claim to being Christian, at least to ourselves.

A big one came around the halfway point of that stretch coming to the conclusion, as well as to the admission, the latter being the harder part, that I no longer held the Bible as the ‘inerrant, inspired, God-breathed, Word of God’. My intuition was pinging on all cylinders telling me that the only point of an ‘inerrant book’ was simply control, and that any ‘God’ out for control, was no ‘God’ at all. I had to adjust my picture of God and the Bible to a more progressive one in order to continue for the time being and that’s what I did.

This was the point though where Mar-yam became quite uncomfortable with where I was going, realizing that without that conviction, as liberating as it admittedly felt on one level, there also was no guarantee on anything, including our marriage. Our close friends interest in this new message and movement dried up at this time too.

Andy, I’m thinking a break-point is in order soon, can you dial us in an address to park this Merkabah for a bit?

Andy: Got the perfect spot in mind, Raphael. There’s a black hole super portal in our vicinity, and then just a mere 12 million light years from there, so we’re good. I’ll have us with our feet up in no time. Hold tight everyone, you might feel a bump or two.

Raphael: You are thee best, Andy! I’m thinking there’s some more digesting we need to do, but I’m a bit tired from the reliving of all this, and I know there’s more to feel, that I’ll need a nights sleep or two along with Andy’s galactic stay to digest this all, and what we’re fixing to do, from an elevated perspective, we could call it…

Anyone have anything they need to share before we take a pause?

Merlin: Pausing’s good.

Rhodes: I’ll say…

Raphael: Until next day then, everyone. What a day’s Journey this was. Many, many thanks again!
Raphael Awen is co-creator, teacher, and facilitator of the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life. Visit for more information about Weekly Sessions, Live Streams, Videos, and Community.

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Day 7 ~ Journal To The Demiurge

Journal To The Demiurge with Raphael Awen

By Raphael Awen

(This is Day 7 of an ongoing series, to begin at day 1, go here:

Raphael: Good Morning everyone here in this growing circle on this first day of the New Year, 2018, and those reading and tracking this Journey, expanding it out and beyond. The Demiurge wasn’t created overnight and it’s going to take a sizable something to reach out to it, wouldn’t you say, Metatron?

Metatron: I wish and intend the very best possible for everyone here and reading this for the New Year. I don’t live much by your calendar, as you know, but I do feel you, as you do. It’s a good way to measure and reflect, as well as to set intentions for the year to come. I’m very excited for the intention at hand to connect with the Demiurge. Your planet and humanity has been under his rule to such a significant degree, far more so, than most realize. Believers and nonbelievers alike.

To your question, Raphael, I feel it does take a sizable something as you say, but maybe not in the way you might think. This isn’t a numbers game that creates a tipping point, per se. Numbers-based tipping points in the collective are more a downstream outcome of what we are setting out to do, rather than the intention or the necessity. What I mean by that is when one of us opens our heart to really connect with the Demiurge, not out of subservient fear, or worshipful reverence, but mutual respect with a healthily boundaried open heart, this creates a very sizable something that hasn’t been done before. The actual number of us approaching only increases the resonance of this one-heart ambassadorship. One of us could do it, but more is better.

Raphael: You really don’t see this as ever having been attempted before, Metatron?

Metatron: I can’t see where it has, Raphael. If it had, there would be a different frequency coming from him, I feel. Up till now, he has still felt to me like he is largely unmoved from his trajectory. This was evidenced in your story, how solid it felt and immersed it felt to be living in his world, like it was thee reality of all realities. When this shifts, Christianity itself will look and feel very different. Christianity tires itself out at times, but the basic piece of duty and obligation keeps returning one way or the other. That is the Demiurge. He doesn’t care about the label, or the setting, as much as the energy.

Raphael: Okay, wow…

Metatron: I’m curious to ask you, what you felt since sharing these big pieces of your story so far?

Raphael: The year-end reflections have been expansive, appreciating the huge difference from where I once was, when I didn’t have any sense of ever being outside of that, to where I am today, very much outside of that. Yesterday, while celebrating with close beloveds, there was so much to let-in, in gratitude and also to feel in exciting new desires arising too.

Last night, I had a dream of a man, someone close from my past, asking for help and looking so worn out. I’ve never had that kind of a dream before, or real life contact either, where I was being approached as a resource from one of the characters in my play this life. So it feels to me like a big ripening is happening for people around their souls timing to make a similar exit from ‘serving God’ as I did.

I feel a ton of compassion for what there is to go through, having felt and lived through every piece.

Metatron: Yes, I feel you need to share how you actually made your exit, not just from a church community, but from Christianity itself, and how that played out.

Raphael: Yeah, that feels like an important piece to digest going forward. I’m wondering about launching into that at the moment or if there any other pieces to digest first. Maybe feeling of any intentions arising for the journey and the year ahead possibly?

Metatron: Good call. I’m all ears.

Rhodes: Raphael, I’m feeling how intensely you went into Christianity, and I did too, embedded in there with you, how we both slowly, but surely, made our exit. There are so many vistas before us now that we are wanting to enter, but it feels like this Journal intention and undertaking is a prerequisite somehow to inhabiting this new land, like a piece of unfinished business. Up till now, we’ve never spoken publicly much about Yahweh, or Jehovah, or the Christian capital ‘G’, God, being a false God. It’s kind of interesting, because one of his Ten Commandments was about not having any ‘graven image, false gods, before him’, when he himself was and is that very thing, a usurped personalization of the source of everything.

So, in all that, I’m feeling we need to make it formal, a coming out publicly, that we are no longer under any kind of fear-bound duty and obligation to the Demiurge, which is what we’re doing here. If we had any tinges of this false fear-based reverence towards him, it only would trigger his default pattern of his God complex.

I am hoping that 2018 goes down in history as the year that this false god domination over humanity and the planet finally dissolves, and a great turnaround occurs. I am willing and wanting to serve that end.

Raphael: Yumm! I love feeling all that in you, Rhodes. I so need you on board with all this. You’re right about the publicly coming out part, onto the archetypal stage, creating a new story to confront an old story, this ‘his story’ to be remade into the true story of the people, of their true origins, their true dimensions, and their true destinations.

Who else?

Merlin: I’m amazed at where your journey has taken you, Raphael. And I’m looking forward to feeling the next pieces of what happened next, and how it happened. What wants to happen now couldn’t unfold if you hadn’t courageously gotten real and honest with yourself in all those choice points. This is true leadership, being able to lead yourself, to lead parts of yourself through the gauntlet of what you dialed up this life. Leadership with others then naturally arises with others desiring a similar awakening, like a spring loaded easy thing. No manipulation or control needed, because it has no relationship with those very low and dense frequencies. I, too, want to feel and state my desire to complete this mission, to take it to where it wants to go, to whatever outcome can arise from it. I so want to second Rhodes’ desire for 2018 to be known as the year that the Demiurge packed up operations on earth and in humanity’s reality. I say, ‘long enough, and no more’.

Raphael: Okay, that’s a vote of love and confidence to take in. Thank you, Merlin. I guess with that I’ll drop back into storytelling mode for a bit then again.

It’s been a good digestion for me again to take in this period of my life from two or three decades back. Sometimes, we need an even longer vantage point from which to look backwards to feel certain things.

All that story I shared about the airport synchronicities got me to feeling that life really is that magical all the time. At least, that’s how I recognize it to be more and more now, with magical moments coming together at all times holding the fabric of reality together, we just struggle to let it in as being that magical, so we have this other equally magical ability to normalize it and numb ourselves to it. We must also need those abilities too for some good reasons or we wouldn’t be doing what we are with them. I personally would like to dial back a big chunk of the normalizing though, that I still do, in order to let in more of the magic.

Wait, that’s philosophizing again, not storytelling. Let me see if I can shift gears. Sometimes it’s easier to teach than it is to vulnerably share experience and feelings.

So, yes, there I was, leaving a beloved and only church family behind, one where I had recognition and was well liked. Mar-yam was with me on that one as we were both done at the same time with these charades, as I called them. There was a ton of other churches around in our home town of Abbotsford, British Columbia, which happened to be the church capital of Canada, in the sense of having the most churches per capita. We had no thought of leaving Christianity, but our dedicators were admittedly tiring of the rededications.

We joined a much larger fancy congregation, of the non-chandelier-swinging variety, that had some big things happening. It was reputed to be the second largest congregation in Canada at the time. This gave us a place to simply attend often entertaining services and be with some friends and family who had joined us from other settings and  also had made a similar switch. I really felt thinly attached however. Part of me liked it that way, and part of me didn’t.

We never tithed anymore, the practice of giving ten percent of your income, which had been a long time practice, since my late teens. One year, back in our old church, Mar-yam and I alone were responsible for over 20% of the churches income that year as we had decided to tithe not only on our personal income, but on our business income as well. Later, I came to realize how much of a financial fear was rooted in my heart around the practice. We were addressing our money anxieties by doing a deal with the Demiurge. Many places in scripture promised a big blessing and return on giving. Tithing was also a command, rather than an option, as far as our theology went. I so recall the first bit of income we decided not to tithe on, after feeling how controlling the whole teaching was, and how the most controlling leaders and teachers used it to their advantage. We were feeling mostly okay with it all, but an unmistakable part of us was half ready for the sky to fall on our heads at the same time.

Finding our way out of tithing was a pretty big ‘handwriting on the wall’ kind of event for us. Of all the strict ‘law’ type practices from the Old Testament, this was the one that kept surviving from right on through the Roman Catholic Church, through every successive Protestant movement and down to every last latest greatest church deal right up to the present. One very well-worn Bible verse spoke about you were ‘cursed with a curse’ if you withheld the tithe, and were guilty of ‘robbing God’.

Remind me to take that one up with the Demiurge, for sure.

Dollars in the bag, and bums in the pew, with chapter and verse to prove it all, is still thee deal that Christianity thrives on. When you break with tithing, as a dedicated Christian, you are beginning to play on the creek banks of the river to your freedom. You are saying that you can pick and choose your own interpretations and even defy the Demiurge (God) while dressing it up (necessarily) as something different.

With that kingpin of a legalistic relationship with God/the Demiurge finally shifting for me, as in the ‘obedience in exchange for blessing’ kind of relationship, I was significantly setting my sails in a new way, and ‘backsliding’ from ‘true Christianity’.

With my awareness tuned in this way to any manipulative psychological pressure tactics that I couldn’t stomach any longer, I was also now reactive to the stories of God’s behavior in the Old Testament. What part of me used to hardly notice, I now saw as behaviors that could only be labeled as ‘asshole’ anywhere else. I was getting into a conscious ‘mid-faith’ crisis.

I sat through message after message gagging on what I was hearing. I recall, one Sunday, as service was just letting out, as we were walking up the sloped sanctuary aisles towards the foyer, with some close long-time friends who had sat close to us, Rene said, ‘Wasn’t that an awesome message?’ feeling genuinely touched. I looked at him and so struggled with my own long-standing image, our friendship, his being touched, Mar-yam looking at me and knowing full well what I was feeling, and my fuming internally over what I now felt was a big shit pile, to put it in Jim’s immortal words. I managed to get out a calm, ‘I didn’t like it at all’. Rene didn’t know what else to do, but to look away. What else can you do when one of the most dedicated and level headed and fellow loyal brothers is losing it?

A year or so earlier, the same head Pastor of that large congregation who preached that message that Sunday, happened upon me in the foyer as service was underway while on my way to the bathroom. He was a genuinely kind older man, and asked how I was, as I recalled he had greeted me similarly once before. I was a bit more surprised though when he followed up with, ‘If you’re free soon, please call the office so we can arrange a coffee out together one day.’ I liked the child-like guileless something about him that no doubt the congregation liked too when he had been selected as ‘Senior Pastor’ for this happening congregation. By this time in my faith, I was really putting in time as far as regular church attendance was concerned, ‘keeping something intact for the girls’ was one way of framing it. Really, I just wasn’t ready yet to come to terms with what was brewing. Privately, I was however very given to these ‘grace’ teachings I was exploring, in contrast with the ‘law’ teachings that were interwoven through everything I’d known and practiced. While still technically Christian, they were very outside of what my outer Christian world would consider anything close to orthodox. They sustained me in the interim, but also troublingly moved me further away from center.

I arranged with the office a week or so later to meet with Pastor Vern that same afternoon, what happened to be Halloween. We sat down in a small quiet coffee shop, and began small talk. Being a good conversationalist, he asked me a leading question or two, and I began to share a bit and weave in a thoughts of the alternative Christian teachings I was so deeply embracing, but knowing very well where the no-go edges were at the same time. He paused me mid sentence to find his pen, and to gather a napkin from the adjacent table to write down what I had said feeling the compelling alternative nature of my words. I knew I was way off into Christian Universalism, which is a breath of fresh air to anyone burdened with the standard fare law/grace mixture of ‘God loves you, but…’. Before we left that day, Vern had filled more than one napkin stopping me several times to transcribe my exact words. I so missed being able to teach or speak, and the camaraderie around that. I knew all too well however that if Vern had seen the deeper edges of where I was coming from, he’d not have sat comfortably with me that day in the coffee shop. Part of me felt like I got to my abandon my painting contractor costume for one closer to a spiritual teacher that Halloween afternoon.

As I share this piece in the moment, I so feel how aspects of my Metasoul would get activated in situations like this, even though I had no conscious sense of them at the time. I have come to know and discover a Metasoul Brother Aspect in Martin Luther, the Protestant Reformer, over the more recent years and have felt many of the angsts and passions that flow through Martin. I don’t claim to have been Martin Luther in a past life, but rather to share a Metasoul lineage with him connecting some similar frequencies and passions. Rhodes, as my Gatekeeper, has been a while in opening out this access, for good reasons I feel. I can feel Martin wanting to process and feel both passions and regrets, and maybe even to choose a different outcome somehow. I can feel him in an adjacent timeline, what we call the 16th century, but very much happening in the Now. It feels really fitting that Martin would find his way into my storytelling and this journal-journey, as I feel him possibly having a big stake in this ambassadorship to the Demiurge. I’ll let this mention brew in him and invite him to share as soon as he’s ready to. He’s quite different from what most have projected onto him and he’s changed a bunch too. I learned recently that he referred to the pope as ‘Pope Fartass’, which is great that he could take on the Pope. Hopefully, he’ll be up for the Demiurge now.

The track that held its course steadily in my life during this time was my contracting work and family life, kind of in that order. I engaged the services of a business coaching company called E-myth, and was assigned to a bright coach named Mark. I met three times a month for an hour on the phone and engaged in the processes E-myth offered, for over a year. During that time, I managed to double my business income, with less stress and more satisfaction in many ways. I gave myself to this brighter light in my life at the time and secretly hoped that maybe my dreams could be realized by becoming ‘financially independent’. Part of me was convinced that if I could set aside the focus of earning money, and instead focus on my now-floundering dreams and passions of teaching and leading somehow, then I could realize these dreams. The picture had several untidy seams in it, but I gave myself to it for this year plus, nonetheless, as it was the best thing going in a growing graveyard where my dreams made the tombstones.

Mark informed me on one of our calls that he would be leaving the company soon, and that I would be contacted by his manager to arrange another suitable coach from within the company for me to continue in the program with. My admiration for Mark had grown over the year plus together and I knew he was a part of something spiritual, but. non-Christian, outside of the company he worked for, but hadn’t found the courage to ask him about it. My soul, along with my Gatekeeper, I see now, was holding a timing around this, knowing the rumbles it would lead to. As I knew I was about to be losing Mark soon, I asked him one session a more personal question. I said to him, ‘Mark, how do you respond, when you’re really getting the results you want in work life and then depression comes up to upend all the progress?’ I really hoped, as well as suspected that he wasn’t going to give me a coachy kind of pat answer, but yet had no clue how he might address it. The one sentence answer he gave me proved to be nothing short of revolutionary. He answered my courageous question with another courageous question. He simply said, ‘Did it ever occur to you that a part of you has a very good reason for feeling depressed?’

I walked around for a week following feeling like I had just had spiritual and emotional surgery. I told everyone close to me about it. Mark’s words found their mark of hitting a nerve of wanting to stop making the emotional body bad or wrong. The words resonated deeply with the alternative Christian theology that had held my attention for what was by now, over a decade. What was so nourishing to me was the stance of not only no longer suppressing feelings, but even, god forbid, exploring them to feel what they were trying to tell us. We had no frame for any such thing in all of the Christianity I’d ever been a part of.

About five years prior, another life changing moment occurred that led up to this one, that, had it not, I wouldn’t have been ready for this one. For almost 20 years, since I was 19 years old, I simply had no conscious experience whatsoever with depression. Here I was as a late thirties guy, married, business owner, doing extra well, because I didn’t struggle with the lower emotions. When others around me got depressed, I simply noted it, maybe gave them a pick-me-up kind of response, and moved on. I simply couldn’t relate to it since ‘God had delivered me’ from my ‘inferiority complex’ back when I was a late teen. Something though was beginning to shift for me as that summer. My emotional weather dial took a big shift towards feeling bouts of depression. My newer theology and life experience it seemed helped me be more vulnerable and honest with myself in a good way to feel what was real. I instinctively knew not to hide it, and talked about it openly with those close to me, even seeing a counselor for a couple sessions and taking some St. John’s Wort herbal medicine to assist.

This life changing precursor ‘moment’ event happened one evening during this same summer of depression when Mar-yam and I were watching the movie, A Message In A Bottle, portraying a man’s loss of his wife to death and his processing of the deep grief that engulfed him. Evening movies had a way of either putting me to sleep, as was often the case, or holding my intention deeply, as this movie did. As I watched the movie, it began to get under something that was ready and wanting to move in my emotional body. I’m watching this portrayal of grief and trying to hold back my tears of the only thing dear I’d ever really lost; the 11 month relationship I’d had at 19 with the woman named Cheryl, that I mentioned earlier.

A year prior to meeting Mar-yam in Bible School, my life had gone from like two to almost ten overnight, and then ended suddenly without explanation, as Cheryl broke it off between us. I refused to feel any tears the next day, as I felt at the time like they were a hole I’d fall into and never recover from. Well, the ‘next day’ came back to me sitting on that couch, asking to be felt. I knew now that these feelings weren’t there as ‘the enemy’ or a nemesis that would take me down, as I had unconsciously related to them in my late teens.

Whoah, Metatron, my handrail, I’m really getting wound up in the story telling. How’s this landing, do we need to pause?

Metatron: Are you kidding, don’t stop now, my friend. We’re all on the edge of our seats.

Raphael: Awww, you’re the best, Metatron. I’m aching to tell this next piece actually and so glad to have your interest, so sit back in those seats for a bit, and I’ll take your cue.

So as I was saying, this movie portrayal of genuine grief moved through me like a freight train, in a good way. We finished the movie and went to sleep. When I could tell Mar-yam was asleep, I faced the opposite direction and cried quietly to myself some very rare tears, feeling the loss of the relationship with Cheryl those 19 years prior. The troubling night dreams I’d had of her into the early years of my marriage had long subsided thankfully as I consciously didn’t want to undermine my marriage ‘hanging onto the past’. In the morning, I told Mar-yam about the tears and the flow of emotions. She intuitively felt it was a good thing and supported me to feel whatever needed to be felt.

That next day, I reordered my schedule and took the day off to go spend the day in a park that Cheryl and I had enjoyed together. I sat there on the grass, overlooking the ocean and at first, a part of me wondered what we were attempting to do. Any apprehensions soon left as I wrote out my grief and loss in a letter addressed ‘Dear Cheryl’ taking my cue from the movie. Wave after wave of tears rolled through me as I went back and forth between crying and writing. I was so astounded feeling how though it was 19 very full years later, it felt like it was the very next day.

After the tears finally paused and the writing felt complete, I got out some matches and burned the letter on the rocks there. I made my way home and again shared the experience with Mar-yam, and in time, a few others close to me. I knew this was a life changing event, even though those around me seemed to tolerate my story of it more than celebrate it. Looking back, I can feel where part of me was tugging on them to see and feel the significance I knew was here, this willingness to feel, and in so doing to heal. This part of me knew it was changing, and could feel the fear of losing them if we didn’t change together.

A week or ten days later, I took another day trip to another park Cheryl and I had enjoyed together, and again the tears flowed, not as intensely this time, but sweetly as I said aloud to myself ‘I’m human. I get to lose. I get to grieve.’ It felt so good to come to this dawning awareness.

So, as I said, it was another five years of life and process later when Mark, my coach’s words found their ‘mark’. ‘Did it ever occur to you that a part of you has a very good reason for feeling that way?’

Holy Fuck! Why couldn’t all of the money and life and passion I’d put into Christianity ever come up with something so simple and so profound? Why couldn’t just one Christian leader drop the charade and get real, just one, all I ask is one? Why couldn’t one Bible verse have pointed to this? I’d have jumped on it! One would have done it. Instead, it’s this non-Christian business coach, from a pagan business coaching company, of all people!

As Christians, we were all too busy fighting the devil in our elevated spiritual warfare schemes, or flagellating ourselves trying ‘put on the mind of Christ’ along with a million other verses pulled out of our asses! Fuck, what a stinking shit pile of horse shit, Jim! With a great big Jesus rug, the size of a camp meeting revival tent to try and sweep it all under….

Go ahead, Rhodes, Is that you rumbling just now?

Rhodes: Yes, thank you for letting me get that out. ‘We’ were Marvin at the time, all mixed in together not very differentiated, but each of us were feeling this all on a bunch of different levels. I see now, all of this was perfect to help us find our way through a sequence of waypoints on an ongoing journey, one that we are still on, actually. I have that bigger picture coming to me now feeling you tell your story, which is my story and our story. We needed every sniff of that shit pile. We needed every pain and reaction. We signed up for it because we needed it. We simply couldn’t have found our way without it. All the way to now even to facing the Demiurge, the Demiurge within and the Demiurge without.

Raphael: Wow, Rhodes. That’s some heavy stuff. The Demiurge within. The taskmaster inside myself who wasn’t ready to feel, who then in turn gave that disowned life force energy over to the creation and sustenance to the Demiurge without. As below, so above. As within, so without. That’s pretty spacious now, though at the time, it just hurt like fucking hell, in dark times, with no light in sight. Thank god for the bread crumb trail out of the jungle, nonetheless.

Well, I hope you can pause along with me cause now I’m running out of gas. I can feel how I’d like to share the next piece of actually admitting to my known world that I no longer held Jesus as my personal savior and finding the courage to face Mar-yam to tell her I wasn’t willing to remain in our marriage bond, and then how I began to walk all that out. But, it feels best to let this piece digest along with what Rhodes just opened us out to as well.

Wow, this piece about how I created the Demiurge is hitting me. All my Christian life, my subscription to the idea that he was the creator was a way to deflect my own responsibility to my own creatorship. I can feel how this Journal is a way to accept that responsibility now and respond in a new way.

We’re off to see the Demiurge, people. It’s been a long long time in waiting, but we’re off to see the Demiurge!

I hope he’s open to company.
Raphael Awen is co-creator, teacher, and facilitator of the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life. Visit for more information about Weekly Sessions, Live Streams, Videos, and Community.

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Day 8 ~ Journal To The Demiurge

Journal To The Demiurge with Raphael Awen

By Raphael Awen

(This is Day 8 of an ongoing series, to begin at day 1, go here:

Raphael: Good Morning Demiurge Team, and maybe it’s time to say good morning to the Demiurge as well. I’m feeling him listening in. He didn’t get called Omniscient and Omnipresent for nothing. “Good Morning Demiurge, Thank you for tuning us in, we hope to be at your doorstep soon”. There, how’d I do?

Andy: That was perfect, Raphael. I don’t know how many good mornings he has, but it felt good to wish him one. Maybe, he’s a really sad guy underneath a whole tough-guy skin?

Raphael: That’s so true, Andy. We really don’t know how he really feels about anything, do we?

Andy: I don’t think he’s ever had any real fun, like with the best food, or sex, or visiting new and exciting places. He always seemed to be too busy policing the world and sacrificing animals, and even sacrificing his own son. That’s some pretty weird stuff. I wonder how he really feels about all that now?

Raphael: We are so going to need to clear our minds and hearts of all the stuff we’ve thought about him up till now, and, like you say, Andy, begin to wonder about what it really feels like to be him, in his skin. If we are going to effectively create an ambassadorship to meet with him, that is…

Andy: I don’t think he has any fun. If he did, he wouldn’t be so angry and unhappy all the time. He wouldn’t need people to be a certain way to make him happy. But, I don’t know for sure, that’s just what I think.

Raphael: How are we going to have fun today, Andy?

Andy: Let’s all jump on Merlin, and let him take us back in time to where we are in your story. And maybe he can find us an ice cream shop while we’re at it.

Raphael: Perfect! Merlin?…

Merlin: Yes, there’s a Golden Earth variety of Baskin Robbins that has infinite flavors without any duplicates. We can all go there. I usually dial up a meadowy forested one, if that works for everyone. We might need the trees and the earth today.

Raphael: Sounds perfect, Merlin. While you get us settled in there, with some comfy seating, I’ll find my heart and my place in the story.

Yesterday, as I was digesting all this with some yoga stretching, I felt tears come. I’m so glad to be fluent with my tears now in life. Yesterday, they felt like love from the Divine for the version of me and all the parts of me who walked out this journey, and who is continuing to walk it out by wanting to go full circle and see where this journey still wants to take us. It’s like, we can’t ever know, and that’s what makes it truly an adventure, to see what wants to ‘advent’ on the calendar of new horizons. Thank god for Andy’s innate desire for adventure and exploration that helps me see past all the too serious adult stuff.

Okay, then, back to my story. When I was at this point of being on the last legs of my faith, my marriage and my social world, all at the same time, I didn’t know how any of it was going to play out. I just knew I so needed to follow the trail, and take the next step, and that I couldn’t live with myself not to follow the trail. Sometimes courage comes from just feeling the regret and remorse we would feel if we didn’t make a choice in line with our deepest heart, the kind people commonly speak of on their deathbeds. None of the options are easy, but one is definitely more rewarding in the long run and addresses any and all possible future regrets.

Early in 2005, the year it all went down, after a particularly busy work winter, Mar-yam persisted in the idea of us going to a resort for a week’s vacation. Part of me was so into ‘getting ahead’ and wanting to tame expenses, that I resisted the idea till the last minute. Finally, I gave in and we went for a week to a resort in Puerto Vallarta, Mexico in March of that year, being more ready for a break than I realized. It feels weird to tell this piece of the story because, as I sit here, telling it, in the first few days of 2018, it’s almost 13 years later. I’m sitting on the opposite side of that same bay in Mexico where we vacationed back in 2005 and can see the distant lights of that same resort in the predawn light. Isn’t it weird how life synchronizes things to help us feel what we yet need to feel?

We arranged our time at the resort with every other day being a chill day at the resort and the other days being a guided tour somewhere. Mid week, on one of our resort days, I woke up feeling unusually emotional. Something was catching up with me, but I couldn’t tell what it was. It came up some more as we sat in the lounge chairs on the beach feeling a bit loosened up with the all inclusive pina coladas. As we ordered some lunch at the poolside later, I literally ended up crying in my soup, tears streaming down my face and landing in my soup bowl. It was weird because I couldn’t tell what I was feeling so emotional about. I tried to not look too conspicuous, but also knew I needed these tears, even if I couldn’t feel what they were about. Little did I know that they were about letting go. Mar-yam and I did have a good time, in the managed goodwill we had together, but it was also conditioned upon not talking too deeply about the writing on the wall that neither of us wanted to face.

It was just a couple months later when that one sentence from Mark, my business coach, ended up being a spiritual and emotional surgery for me. “Did it ever occur to you that a part of you has a very good reason for feeling that way?” were the words he offered in response to my question about how to relate to depression and performance. I knew it was now time to open myself to feel everything there was to feel, to no longer resist feeling, and I also knew that I was inclined to not feel at the same time, that there was a lot backed up, waiting to be felt. I knew I needed help.

I asked Mark more about the spiritual group he was a part of, thinking that him and I were about to part ways. He offered me the book written by the groups founder, Daniel Barron, titled curiously enough, There Is No Such Thing As A Negative Emotion. I could feel the book was a part of a stepping stones, going on place somehow. It was, after all, a book some years earlier that had led me to E-myth, the business coaching company that Mark was now leaving.

When the snow got off the mountains that summer, a group of friends invited me to join in on an ambitious day hike. I so loved my hiking trails around southern British Columbia and Northern Washington. I usually enjoyed my own company the most, but decided to join in on this big hike all pre arranged by others. When the group on that sunny perfect day decided they would go on to one more big vista after lunch before returning the way we’d came, I saw my chance to stay behind alone for a few hours. I had a whole wilderness campground to myself and found a choice site surrounded by tall evergreens to hold the space for me to feel what I knew I needed to feel. I rolled out my sleeping mat and settled in.

Rene, one of the close friends in the group that day, strangely had kept his distance from me, yet relievingly at the same time. I needed space. We had been on a hike with the two of us some months earlier where I found my courage to ask him about what felt like a growing distance between us, and the struggle to talk about what we really felt. He let me finish and simply replied, “You’re the one who changed, Marvin”, as he returned to the trail. Marvin is my birth name that I went by at the time. Rene was right. Marvin was changing faster than even he could keep up with. Rene wasn’t wavering at all from the course we met on. We met in Bible School. We raised our children to be dedicated Christians. We both traveled regularly to be a part of missions endeavors. Rene had even become a fellow painting contractor following in my steps, and a good one at that, crediting me as his mentor. I could subcontract work to Rene in busy times by sending him the job specifications in the fax machine and then forget about it until the check arrived. He was just that damn reliable!

He and his wife had built a house on our street two doors down from us to be close and share family life together. When Rene saw me working on a yard project, he put his own aside and joined me, loyal to the core. Rene let me know that day, however, on that hike that his loyalty stopped when it came to the kinds of change he could feel I was toying with. He was interested in me as a friend because he felt I was the kind of person who’d stay the course, for the worthiest purpose on the planet, one that wouldn’t change with a bit of mid-life turmoil. I felt torn. Where else would I ever hope to find a friend as faithful as Rene?

As I lay there on the mat, I knew intuitively that there wasn’t anyone interested in making the kinds of changes I was about to make, including Mar-yam. Many of them hadn’t budged on any of the smaller changes I had made along the way. I knew the choices I was entertaining now were the end of my social world as I knew it going forward. I’d had plenty of time to scope that one out. I’d barely found the courage myself to follow my own heart. I couldn’t expect them to be ready on my schedule to join me now.

I knew I needed to do some big internal business that day on the trail. I knew I needed to choose. Wave after wave of tears came as I chose to let go of my 23 year marriage laying on that mat, using a spare t-shirt to dry my face. I didn’t know when, or how, I would walk it out, but I knew the order of the day was to make a solemn choice, and to begin to grieve the loss, in the serenity of that wilderness, alone, but yet held by love, and a grace, and those super tall surrounding space-holding evergreens.

My mind went first on to my girls and imagining their pain and confusion. With Rachel at 19, and Avonlea soon to be 16, this tore my heart open to feel them enduring the news I would sometime soon be dropping on them; the news I had so convincingly told them as younger girls that they would never hear from me.

Rachel and Avonlea always were a great joy to have and to raise, both fully expected and waited for. My own inner child got to be a kid again with them and may even have resisted them growing up in some ways with all the fun he got to have with them. Mar-yam and I let our lives naturally revolve around the girls in many ways,  and we wanted it that way. They simply were one of the greatest things about life.

When Rachel was seven and we were telling Rachel not to use some word, as it was bad language, she got inquisitive as she had heard us talk about the difference between ‘swearing’ vs. ‘barnyard language.’ vs. ‘taking the Lord’s name in vain’.

“So, Daddy, is that a swear or a barnyard language?” she asked. I answered as directly as I could, and her next innocent words were, “So, Daddy, tell me all the swears, all the barnyard language, and all the Lord’s name in vain words”, as she climbed up into my lap, expecting clarification. I took a deep breath and proceeded to be the first one to tell her the main bad words, along with a fitting seven year old’s definition for each, including the word ‘fuck’, figuring she best hear it from me first. It felt very strange getting that word out of my mouth as I hadn’t let that word pass my lips in about 13 years, nor did I expect I ever would again.

Avonlea was different from her sister, seemingly efforting fitting in less, and coming up with more of her own version of who she wanted to be. One day, she enterprisingly came home from school with a completed report she had done on foxes that she was quite happy with and proceeded on her own to go knock on some neighbors doors to offer to read it aloud to them for 25 cents if they were interested.

As they grew up, neither Mar-yam or I did the super-strict thing with them, and deferred to being more open and relational rather than having intense rules for them to follow. When they were young, we did practice spanking from time to time, without anger, which ended abruptly one day, when Rachel stuck her finger in my face and said as defiantly as she could, ‘You can’t spank me, I’m twelve!’ She had a point. This was getting old.

Their lives had by now come to revolve around their friends, school and boyfriends, but a part of me so wanted still to be there for them in every way I could. I had looked forward to whom they might marry one day, knowing those men would be a significant relationship for me as well, as I had never raised sons.

My mind went next on to my parents, how would all this land in them? They’d been married forever and would be ‘till death do us part.’ How would they file all of this?

Then Mar-yam. After all these years of being easily and naturally together with deep commitment, without any big outward crisis to make this somehow more justifiable…….I’m going to be doing what?! I could so see and feel the incredulous looks that were going to be coming from close friends and family, and worst of all, from Mar-yam.

Truth is, a part of me didn’t know who I was outside of those roles and totally feared being in life without those roles and sense of identity. That had been true for a few years now, as an older auto-pilot setting that my life was stuck on was getting more and more backlit asking for my attention. It was Mar-yam who admitted, while stopping for lunch on a day trip into beautiful Washington state together one fall day a full couple of years prior, “Let’s face it, if we were choosing partners today, we wouldn’t choose each other”, seemingly more ready to talk about the quiet, but growing differences between us. Parts of me were just so not ready, until they finally were, to face my own truth.  

Whooahh, you guys, how’s all this landing in you? I’m a little self conscious feeling how I’ve never really outed this whole story like this before in one fell swoop.

Andy: I’m like on my 8th ice cream cone, Raphael, but I’m having a great time. You story tell better than any movie I’ve been to. Some of this I didn’t even know, feels like.

Merlin: I think Andy speaks for all of us, Raphael. The setting is magical here and the realness of your words and heart and experience so outdoes any story I’ve ever heard.

Metatron: You say you feel a bit self conscious, Raphael. Can you feel what that’s about? Maybe you’d like to speak to that before going on?

Raphael: Thank you, Metatron, for the invitation to feel. I feel in this moment a reverence for the parts of me who lived through all these stages of life, of entering and leaving one context and relationship after another. In a very real way, you could say all of our lives are about ‘entering and leaving’ regardless of our belief system, or how open or resistive we are to change. What we miss out on though is the opportunity to feel. We tend to not feel while we are in it. We tend to not feel when we story tell about it. We tend to not feel when we photograph it and try to schedule it for feeling later somehow. I feel all these parts of me now seated in the time-travel theater of my own life captivated with both the courage and the fear, the movements and the stuck places, and all of it opening out into a big curiosity about the magic of my own life; how much I know about it; and how much I don’t know about it, to this very day, that awaits my deepening reverence.  

To the journey at hand, to meet with the Demiurge, I feel how my devoted relationship with ‘God’, was about needing him to hold my own divinity like in a safety deposit box for safekeeping until I could awaken to it, come to see it and become responsive to it, come to terms with it. I feel this is the same for every last one of us who holds a piece of consciousness, be it an object, a thing, an animal,  a person, an Archangel or a Star BEing. We are all getting comfortable with being divinity, at different stages of consciousness. We are divinity out divining. Something must be a placeholder for our reverence till we are able to hold it for ourselves. What we revere, we fear. We need to fear ourselves in a really good way. We need to fear settling for something less than we set out for. It isn’t a competitive world where there is only a few winners. In the world I live in, everyone gets to win, if they are ready to. Everyone who wins enhances the chances for those around them to win as well.

I so needed the Demiurge to hold my own divinity that I wasn’t able yet to recognize or hold. As I story tell, it feels like I said, a time-travel into a feeling theatre, where I can not just hang around in the past, but actually rearrange the furniture while I do. I can sit in admiration for the me who made the choices I did. I can feel the me who even chose to come here to live this life in the first place, who dialed up many of the story lines that I needed to walk out. I can feel another me in other dimensions and times who wasn’t able to make the choices I made and is watching and feeling intently.

I can feel that Mar-yam and I have had many such soul-story playouts that needed to come together this life again, how in this third dimension, they are arranged into past, present and future, but in a higher dimension, they are all unfolding in one present now. Even though I haven’t had contact with her in 3D for a decade or so now, it is also true that we are inseparable, while being distinct at the same time, needing this journey of separation.

I can feel Rene and I, in another dimension, sharing seats at King Arthur’s round table in Camelot and how each of us can readily recite the oath from memory: “This is the oath of a Knight of King Arthur’s Round Table and should be for all of us to take to heart. I will develop my life for the greater good. I will place character above riches, and concern for others above personal wealth. I will never boast, but cherish humility instead. I will speak the truth at all times, and forever keep my word. I will defend those who cannot defend themselves. I will honor and respect women, and refute sexism in all its guises. I will uphold justice by being fair to all. I will be faithful in love and loyal in friendship. I will abhor scandals and gossip-neither partake nor delight in them. I will be generous to the poor and to those who need help. I will forgive when asked, that my own mistakes will be forgiven. I will live my life with courtesy and honor from this day forward.”

We are so much more multi-dimensional than we’ve realized, but we are awakening to it now. Possibly, and this ‘possibly’ feels very important to feel into as we approach the Demiurge, we simply were not ready, and the universe itself was not ready, for us to enter the deeper bliss and infinite magic of our being, and so we co-created the Demiurge to hold the polarity and the reticence until such a time as we were ready, ready to feel.

The universe is asking me to feel myself as I relive experience, Metatron,… thank you for asking. I can feel the round table of my own parts who make up any and all human beings wanting and needing the sacred space of being initiated into a right-of-passage place of invitation to ongoingly simply feel. Isn’t that the point of all story, to feel, and then to be moved by what we feel? None of us needs to look any further than our own stories. It is our own stories that offer us the most to feel.

Metatron: Okay, Sounds like you felt the self-conscious feeling and it moved right on through, yes? 🙂

Raphael: It did.

Metatron: Well, I’m curious what happens next?

Raphael: Now, you’ve got me curious, hah! Life took off in some very surprising directions about that time, that became a lot to just ‘be with’. It was like life was getting me ready for what was wanting to come.

Let me see what scenes are playing in the theatre in the moment and I will do my best to recall and feel them as we do. Thank you all for your sweet and ongoing interest. From a little boy, a part of me loved having as much attention as I could possibly handle and you are all stretching me on that note at the moment!

So, around the same time as that fateful hike day, I’ve quietly ordered this book written by the founder of this group Mark was a part of. I knew this act alone was a turning point. The title alone, There Is No Such Thing As A Negative Emotion, struck a nerve, and the words called me deeper into my own awakening of my emotional body. I read the book through, feeling opened out deeply as I did. When I finished the book a few days later, I emailed Mark and asked him to help me find a facilitator in the work that the group offered so I could enter this new world deeper. I then turned the book over and began reading it again from the beginning. I’d read tons of books in Christianity, and some outside of Christianity, but this so felt like light years ahead of anything I’d come across.

This so makes me feel, guys, how in life, we are always in process between entering and leaving. We are always preparing to enter a next phase and preparing to leave a soon to be previous phase. None of us are outside of this. Even when we feel nothing is changing, and you can’t see a stitch of change on the horizon, just the act of you feeling that, of either wanting change, or resisting change, or thinking there is no change happening, is what facilitates change. Our lives are always in a continual state of change. We could say life is change. It feels vulnerable to feel that.

Nothing that parts of us are attached to are guaranteed to remain. This though, brings us to the best part. When we feel how we have what we have, without any guarantee of it remaining, we are invited to feel deeply our own hearts, our own feelings towards that thing, be it a treasured thing, or an unwanted thing. Every thing is wanting and waiting for our hearts.

It also makes sense that each of us only has so much capacity in the midst of change to feel what we are able to in that moment. I think this is why we got onto taking pictures and videos, knowing there was more feeling to be done later, that we couldn’t access in the moment.

As I share my own story, I can feel how I’m being invited to feel this bigger picture that I couldn’t feel at the time. All story is designed to get our hearts to come out and play.

I’m wondering in the moment if part of me is stalling a bit on telling the next piece of my story, waxing a bit philosophical instead. I’m coming down to the place of telling Mar-yam that I am leaving our marriage bond.

Those were the words that I picked up from Eric, the facilitator from Mark’s group that I connected with from Ashland, Oregon. The work the group did was called ‘ESH’ that stood for ‘Emotive Subself Healing’. The word ESH alone, I knew was enough to be off putting to my world around me, as confirmed soon enough when Mar-yam passed along to them the group’s website.

Each next step I took was moving me closer to acting on the choice I made weeks earlier in the wilderness surround of the tall space holding evergreens.

Ashland, Oregon, proved to be a very unique place. It was like it was literally from another planet. At first, I might have saw it as a bit hippy, but as I spent time in the town, the restaurants and coffee shops, people watching, I saw the world through some very different eyes. You probably couldn’t find a more polar opposite than my hometown of Abbotsford, the church capital of Canada.

One of Mar-yam and I’s closest couple friends were missionaries from the Philippines, whom we’d spent time with there. When they heard from Mar-yam where I was that weekend, they told her about the ‘dark principalities and powers’ that were over Ashland, Oregon, that they felt every time they drove by it most summers on the highway doing their annual mission church tours.

The people there however didn’t feel demonized at all to me. Quite the opposite. They felt real, open and curious. The children out in the vegetarian restaurants with their parents felt like creatures from another planet. Soft, bright, free. I walked through the parks, did some clothes shopping, and found places to rollerblade. A Mcdonald’s restaurant had opened some time back and was forced to close. The people here were into real food.

Mar-yam called to check in with me that weekend. She knew something was up, something big. Our conversation was abrupt and matter of fact. Part of me was so not interested anymore in her cautions or her inquiries. As I drove the ten hour drive home that weekend, I knew the time was now. As I pulled off the freeway for gas midway, I called Eric, to tell him that I was going to be ending it with Mar-yam when I got home and asked him how he felt about that. He replied “I trust it, Marvin. You are following your heart for everyone involved.” I knew to ask for support when I needed it.

I arrived home mid afternoon that fall day, five days short of our 23rd anniversary, pulled up in the driveway, left my suitcase in the car and went inside. Mar-yam greeted me and I asked her if I could talk with her. We sat down in the living room on the new couches that were positioned opposite each other, that we had purchased soon after a recent renovation. Tears came as I began to simply tell her that I was no longer willing to remain in our marriage bond. What a surreal feeling, like pulling a trigger in slow motion, that ends something and starts a chain reaction of other things. Mar-yam responded with a more stoic ‘I knew it’, part of her seemingly happy with her accurate intuition as a way to deflect from the pain of the moment. The conversation was short and soon moved to the need to tell the girls. Before the day was out, we sat down with Avonlea, who listened thoughtfully, and said, “I can do this, as long as you don’t get all weird and be at war with each other”. Mar-yam and I had been so prone to not have conflict over the years, that some deeper conflict would probably have actually been a healthy thing between us. I was surprised though to feel how easy she took this news. I slept downstairs that night in the now spare bedroom as Rachel had just left for nursing school across the province two weeks earlier. I called my parents that evening and told them, along with my brother and sister. I needed to act. I needed to choose. I needed to take responsibility.

It felt strange but somehow doable at the same time to move out, having been offered a bed at my brother’s house for the moment. I knew this was permanent. Mar-yam asked to go for a tea a few days later where she tenderly asked if we could try and work things out. I said ‘No’. She asked ‘why?’, and part of me defiantly answered her, and everyone else who was energetically in the room, along with the Demiurge, “Because, I don’t want to, that’s why!”

I was breaking up with duty and obligation. I knew if I was to ongoingly succeed at finding my own heart, I’d need to ongoingly part with duty and obligation. Mar-yam accepted my declaration that day as final and we soon got underway with separation logistics, that were able to be managed easily and with mutual respect.

Later that same week, of all crazy things, Rene’s elderly mom died, and I was naturally invited to the funeral. I knew attending that funeral would only be more duty and obligation, and that he and I’s heart were close in an old way, but not in the new arising way that was happening for me, and parts of me. It felt strange responding to the invitation to say that I didn’t feel close in heart to be able to share in his grief.

In the work I was doing with Eric, I was journaling with and getting to know a part of myself. The first part I worked with, I called Wayne, after my middle name, who held the tones of depression. I simply couldn’t take Wayne back into the flames of a burning house for any more of the proper type duty and obligation reality when he and I were sharing and feeling real heart tones and deep tears moving between us. At the same time, I couldn’t begin to guess how Rene and his family could file this as anything else but deceived behavior. Mar-yam had already said that she thought the connection I described in my journaling with Wayne was with a ‘familiar spirit’ and that I was fast falling for the deception that we’d been taught against all of our Christian lives.

Some weeks later, Rene asked to go for early morning breakfast as we often did in the past. It was clumsy, with nothing but the inertia of a now dried up past between us. He told me he respected how I handled the financial separation with Mar-yam, and that touched a part of me, again feeling the deep code of respect between us. Finishing the last few bites of breakfast, I found my heart and through precious tears, said that really all there was left to feel and acknowledge was the pain of goodbye. It felt so good to finally feel what felt real in real time. Love for me. Love for my parts. Love for other. We wished each other well, left the table and went on with our lives.

What Ice cream cone are you on now, Andy?

Andy: Lost count, Raphael. I lost count.

Raphael: Wow. Did you save some for me, because I could use a triple about now, sugar-free if you have it?

Andy: This place has infinite supply, you should try the Rocky Rhodes, it’s to die for…

Raphael: Too perfect, I’ll take one scoop of that, another of the Magic Merlin, The Unicorn, and one of Metatron’s Metaphysics. I’ll pause with that for now and maybe someone feels to wrap this up for today. Thank you everyone for being the best audience on and off the planet!

Merlin: Whoah, Raphael. I almost don’t want to add anything for fear of disturbing this awesome feeling space. But, I’d like to say how I feel how that, were it not for these evolutions of your life, and these choice points, we wouldn’t be here, connected in heart and purpose. I feel like I am very much a part of your round table, Arthur, I mean, Raphael. And I’m very glad to be with all of you, my fellow brothers in this galactic Camelot.

Metatron: Dang, you said that well, Merlin. I will not do myself the disservice of trying to improve on it. I did however note, with your words about our brotherhood, that somehow, we ended up as a team of all men? I move that we call on the multiverse to gather us an opposite gendered being to join us for this worthy journey as soon as possible.

Andy: I know just the one. I vote for Animalia! She’s a ton of fun and she’s our very own in-house feminine.

Merlin: Yes, and who knows, there’s maybe more sleeping beauties and Queens Of Hearts, that have a thing or two to resolve with the Demiurge, that we all need to feel as well.

Metatron: Totally works for me. I’d be so honored. The testosterone level has been getting a little high in here.

Rhodes: Thank you, Raphael. Thank you everyone. I loved feeling this part of the story today. I know I wouldn’t be here if you hadn’t made these epic choices, Raphael. I look forward to feeling Animalia’s input going forward too. She is like major hot stuff though, I just need to warn you, in a good way.  I feel us taking all the time we need to feel all there is to feel in approaching the Demiurge. I feel him, feeling himself as we are approaching.

Andy: Ten-four everyone. Until next day. Please leave by the exits and don’t forget the speakers.
Raphael Awen is co-creator, teacher, and facilitator of the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life. Visit for more information about Weekly Sessions, Live Streams, Videos, and Community.

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Day 9, Part 2 of 2 ~ Journal To The Demiurge

Journal To The Demiurge with Raphael Awen

By Raphael Awen

(This is Day 9 (Part 2 of 2), of an ongoing series, to begin at day 1, go here:

Today’s episode tells the story of three separate encounters with Christian Pastors where I shared with them that ‘I no longer held Jesus as my personal saviour,’ which is of course tantamount to blasphemy to everything that is holy and sacred for a Christian. I wasn’t trying to be prickly. I needed to own my truth.

Thank you for tracking this series. We’re off to see the Demiurge, the Christian God, Yahweh, or Jehovah, to see and feel what we and he is ready to.

Here We go. Day 9, Part 2 of 2:

Metatron: I so can feel that peaceful Merkabah suspended out in space that we are having this meeting in at the moment. It’s like an instant retreat center, with infinite dial-a-setting options. Right now, I’m seeing those tall evergreens holding the space for you that day on the hiking trail when you chose to let go of every bit of your life that couldn’t make it through the bottleneck and portal of your own arising truth. I’m feeling you should keep on with your story, Raphael. It’s an incredible story. I even know it, and yet, I’m on the edge of my seat for you to share the rest of it.

Raphael: You’re all like the best audience imaginable.

Metatron: Why settle for anything less?

Raphael: My feelings exactly! If anyone has any guides that aren’t as sweet as you, I say, go looking for some new ones.

Metatron: Your story, Raphael, is forming the groundwork here. It is inviting people to feel the uniqueness and profoundness of their own story. You, or parts of you, rather, for so long, were not able to see the deeper uniqueness of your story. Other soul aspect parts of you, like Rhodes, could see it and get messages to you through the fog, including the Christian fog, the Demiurge fog, and the fog of 3D in the 21st century.  Each stage was necessary and sacred, just like the present one. My sense is that as you continue to share your story, from your comfy seat here in the space Merkabah, it will unfold the pieces of grist we need to feel and see to face the Demiurge soon enough. He’s not quite ready yet for us either for that matter. And I’m feeling, as you mentioned, there’s Martin, Arthur and Animalea that want to be in on all this yet too. All that can unfold naturally as you share.

Raphael: Wow, Okay, let me see where this wants to go today. I’ll see if I can dial in all of the precious gift of your curiosity and allow that to alchemize a direction.

So, I believe we left off with me making this declaration to my world, and allowing both the unpredictable, and the predictable chain reactions begin to happen.

One of the first things to unfold was a routine contact by the Family Pastor from the church Mar-yam and I had been attending, after he heard news of our separation. I actually saw Pastor Frank in the early mornings from time to time as we both shared an extra early morning penchant for empty Tim Horton’s coffee shops. He called and asked if we could meet, and so we naturally chose the same coffee shop, where we had seen each other, but had never sat down together. It was easy speaking with him, being a kind and caring, softer, genuine man, well suited for his role in a large church. He was direct to reach out after hearing the news, and got right to the point, asking if there was anything he could do to help. Thank god, he spared himself from telling me that I was deceived and going to hell, as that was so not his deal. I got right to the point as well, feeling I needed to. I took in a deep breath and told him that I no longer held Jesus as my personal savior, in those words. He got it all, the short story and the longer story. He could feel my sovereignty speaking and simply acknowledged my choice, and we wrapped up the conversation amicably as he invited me to contact him further if the need arose.

Another similar meeting occurred a year or so later, this one by chance, in another Tim Horton’s coffee shop, with me stopping in mid day, where I bumped into ‘Pastor Nelson’. Mar-yam and I had been a part of his church for a time as well, decades earlier. We had become quite close, being in the leadership team of his church, and even going in together on a home building project when he was building two homes for his daughters and their husbands, as he was also a former contractor. Catching eyes with him in that moment, I knew he knew my story. News like that would travel in a matter of days and it had been over a year.

As we sat down and wobbled around some very uncomfortable small talk, I knew I needed to lead with my truth. I changed the subject, and said ‘Nelson’, deliberately not using the ‘Pastor’ title, as that had always annoyed parts of me how Pastors hid behind that, “The truth is, Nelson, I no longer hold Jesus as my personal saviour”. He scrunched up his face as if he had a demon spirit confronting him and said, “I’ll pray for you”. I get it, on one level, how big of a kick in the gut this would be for him, and yet, it took me everything I could muster to not tell him to keep his prayers to himself. Nelson could project a warm fatherlike energy, and that was part of what had drawn me to him, given my dad wounding this life. But he also was very protective about his true feelings when you got close to him, always focused on ‘building the kingdom’ or some other such rhetoric that covered an untouched burgeoning mountain of depression. He wasn’t interested in hearing another word of my story. I knew I needed to not sit another moment in that energy, so I wrapped up and left, a little annoyed, while at the same time feeling the gift in this synchronicity for me, to declare my truth, now a year out into this choice.

You get into Christianity by a public confession of your faith, eventually through a baptism focused church service. There is, however, no comparable exit strategy or ‘sacrament’ of observance should you choose to leave Christianity. I knew the universe and the true Divine was giving me the equivalent in its own way and time. A sacred service of declaration, acknowledging a death and rebirth.

I knew tons of people who’d left Christianity, but never heard of a single one making any kind of declaration they were no longer a Christian. Even though I didn’t have any conscious struggle with being outside Christianity, it must have been that other parts of me still needed these moments. When I say, parts of me, I can feel that was true for parts of me related to this life, as well as other lifetimes, in my Metasoul. I can feel a rumble in you, Martin, as well as in you, Arthur, as I share this, and I so welcome your feelings and thoughts as we go.

There was yet one more such incident that arose eight years or so after leaving Christianity, and this one involved the very Pastor who had baptized me some 33 years prior. This day, I was doing a small repair paint job in a country area, not far from where I used to live. Oddly enough, the few hour paint job I was working on was a call out by an insurance agent’s repair service to paint a wall and a door that had been cleaned up and repaired after a man had killed himself. I had to actually fill the bullet hole in the wall prior to painting the wall. Needless to say, I was feeling a bit surreal.

Luckily, I had my big blower fan with me so I could power dry everything and get my second coats on and be done with the erie assignment. Parts of me definitely found solace in the focus of my contracting work as the one outer thing that survived my big life changes. I noticed as I was leaving the job that day, a large enclosed swimming pool area, that had fallen into disuse, exactly like the ones small churches would borrow to host baptism services from time to time. I stood there seeing such a gathering for a moment. Baptism in Christianity is all about death and rebirth through identifying with Jesus’ death and resurrection, symbolized by immersion in water and arising from the water. Death and rebirth. Here, at this house was a big reminder of both, through someone’s literal taking of their own life, as well as this covered pool.

I was glad to know of an out of the way, small, but very quaint, country home-style cooking soup and sandwich place not far from there, where I felt to go to shake off the weird feelings of where I’d just been, as well as to linger a bit longer in the area that day, before making the hour and half drive back home, now living in North Vancouver. Being back in this old geography from my previous life was a big deja vu, that felt good to feel, to take a moment to let in who I was now, and who I was becoming. Surprise. The multiverse had one more piece that day.

The place was mostly empty and I chose an out of the way table after ordering a hearty soup and sandwich. As I was almost through a great lunch, who walks in, but Ron and Bernice, the founders of the chandelier swinging church where I’d been baptized, where Mar-yam and I had met, and were soon married by them. Ron and Bernice both had significant health challenges by this time in their seventies, but were always known as energizer bunnies, keeping on, keeping on, for Jesus, and the gospel.

Mar-yam and I’s first big mission trip overseas was with them, as graduates of their Bible School, to Hong Kong and then on to the Philippines, where they continued to serve in a missions and evangelism role associated with our church and a number of others. I finished my sandwich having gone undetected by them, but knew there was no way I was going to be able to exit without engaging as they sat right next to the door.

Instead, I worked up my nerve and walked directly to their table. “Marvin!”, Ron exclaims extending his hand, as Bernice is getting adjusted to the surprise. Ron soon asks in his usual upbeat evangelistic demeanor “So, where are you attending church these days?”, knowing full well my story. It’s not 20 seconds into the conversation and I’m again repeating the familiar line. “I no longer hold Jesus as my personal saviour,” I said slowly as I looked at them directly and openly, feeling decades of life and story fold into this moment.

Bernice surprised me for the first time in these kinds of conversations by asking, “Well, then, how do you see Jesus?” seeming even a bit curious. I gathered myself and said, “I still feel a deep connection with the divine and I see Jesus as a dear ascended teacher.” Now, Bernice’s curiosity dried up and she responded with an incredulous look on her face, “the divine?” Part of me could so feel what she was biting her lip from saying, ‘Sorry, pal, wrong answer! It’s ‘God’ you are talking about, and ‘Jesus as saviour and Lord’ or it’s to hell with you and all your kind’.

Rhodes: Could I interject here, Raphael?

Raphael: Go ahead, Rhodes, sounds like you already are…

Rhodes: I so wished we could have just told them in their nice Christian bullshit faces to fuck off.

Raphael: There wouldn’t have been anything wrong with that, Rhodes, except a part of me at the time had the upper hand of not wanting to appear to them any more demon possessed than they were already assured I was.

Rhodes: I get it, we had enough on our plate.

Raphael: Well, we can still send them a heart open ‘fuck you’, as long as we acknowledge that we love them and are them at the same time, as we are all one ultimately, even as we need others to differentiate from at the same time.

Rhodes: Fair enough. ‘Fuck you’, Jesus sellers! I needed you, and I must still need you, or I wouldn’t still be feeling some of this anger. Thank you, Raphael and solemn witnesses. I needed that.

Raphael: It so takes what it takes, Rhodes. I don’t want to deny the anger we feel with a spacious oneness picture. The shit pile they are selling is a shit pile, born out of deep self unworthiness and internal unfelt agony. Until parts of them are willing to feel and admit any of this, there can’t be any movement to real healing, or escape from the Demiurge’s reign.

So, that wrapped up that conversation that day in the quaint countryside, as I continued my reminisce on the longer commute home that afternoon, digesting one surreality on top of another. Funny, this would definitely have qualified as a ‘divine appointment’ testimony for a Wednesday night service, back in the day. I’m sure, Ron and Bernice shared their end of the story of bumping into me with several others in the days ahead.

I’m still able to dial in easily the internal feeling reality of what we sometimes as Christians called the ‘knowing that you know’ feeling; that the Christian reality really is thee reality, thee ‘absolute truth’, while feeling not a single conscious doubt of anything to the contrary.

Ron and Bernice were classic ‘lifers’ in this way, but so was I, until, surprisingly, I wasn’t. It was a few-year slow-motion surprise, but a surprise nonetheless to parts of me. I can feel too, several other lifetime trajectories of being an ‘all in’ Christian, as in the red letters of Jesus in the new testament, ‘I am the way, the truth and the life, no man cometh to the Father, but by me’ variety, and using that superiority to slam people with, and to hold my sense of self together. My parts and I needed to feel our own remorse for all this, each in our own way, and time, for participating in the harming, as well as being harmed.

But, I’d also say, Rhodes, that we were messengers to Ron and Bernice that day, humble servants of the divine, seeding to them a lifeline for when the Demiurge’s deal really falls apart even for amazing die hards like them. And the open-hearted, non-superiorizing ‘fuck you’ we just sent them etherically, we trust will be a part of love’s face-to-face no-bullshit reality as well, for whenever they are ready to be moved by it. They were actors in our life story, moving us into our next places and they had a final scene to wrap up a chapter, for this life that is. I see a great coming together where every last one of us from Hitler to St. Theresa will debrief the roles we played and the reasons why.

Metatron, can you tell me why it felt important to share all this stuff about renouncing the Christian Jesus?

Metatron: I could, but you so got this. I don’t want to steal your thunder.

Raphael: Okay, I’ll give it a go. It’s just that my head is spinning a bit, reliving all this. I’m sure, my head is needing the spin, or it wouldn’t be what life is giving me now.

What I was able to realize in all of this is that life was asking me not to just wander quietly out the back door, hat in hand, to a few people’s disappointment, but instead to claim an exit, just like how I entered on my own volition, steam, and claim. I needed to exit in the same way that I came in, by declaration and choice, and at a price as well. There were other lifetimes, that I can feel in my Metasoul, where I fell short of owning my own truth, and felt so much remorse and regret for letting myself wallow in the grip of the Demiurge system, and for where I allowed others to suffer where I could have opposed, or even possibly relieved their suffering. This life definitely had this backed up pressure to go all in, and then bake in the fog just enough to alchemize the ejector seat, and then pull the trigger, just as soon as I was ready. The ejection though wasn’t fully complete the day I decided to leave my marriage and the faith. It wasn’t complete, the day I told it to Mar-yam. It wasn’t complete the day I spoke it to any of the three pastors I just told you about. It’s not complete even today.

Maybe, it’s never complete, in any kind of final sense. None of us are home till every last one of us are home. Ron and Bernice are equally as important and loved by love itself, and necessary to love self-realizing itself, as me, or anyone reading this story. I know I needed the journey through Christianity, through the Demiurge’s all too real reality. I needed the struggle of leaving, and of owning my truth as it unfolded and I still do today. I need this struggle to return to face the Demiurge now. It’s not easy, but it feels so worth it.

Merlin: What’s the worth in it, Raphael?

Raphael: Somehow, I knew you were going to ask that, Merlin, wanting me to feel this a bit deeper, thank you.

Let me see what comes.

While there remains the tiniest bit of consciousness that is unawakened to loves fullest and widest domains, be it in a person, place, or thing, including the Demiurge, then there is a way that none of us get to fully be in love’s domain.

The worth I am in pursuit of is of my own self interest in the most truly selfish kind of way. This is the magic of love…the more you get for yourself, the more there is for everyone else.

This is what I couldn’t see and feel for so long this life until I could and this changes so much. This is what my Metasoul lineage has also been up against and is now awakening to. I feel Martin and Arthur awakening to this now, and that speaks of great things to come.

This is what opens out the relationality pieces that kept tripping me up this life. The days of pretense for God finally get to be let go of, really let go of. I get to know and feel heart open real relationships with other men. I get to know and appreciate and partake of feminine beauty in myself and around me too.


And beyond that, Merlin, I can only imagine what lies ahead in terms of the worth that awaits our experience and embrace.

Merlin: Sounds perfect to me, Raphael. I am so glad to be your unicorn, Raphael. Too many other people just don’t want to learn and grow and explore like you do, at least not yet.

Raphael: And I’m so glad to have a unicorn, let alone, you as a unicorn. I feel like I know the tiniest percent of you.

Merlin: And that’s the cool thing. Percent doesn’t apply anymore as in parts out of a hundred. Infinity has no measure, just feelings and experiences. I’m guessing we’re all about ready for the surfing lessons experience, and the cute instructors. My goodness, Animalea is warming things up in here. I’m just warning you all, I can’t be responsible for everything she might say or do, with beaches, sunsets, surf, and beauty.

Raphael: Yes, please, Merlin, take us away for now to all the beauty we can bear. Animalea will help us out a bunch with that. She always does. We’ll rest up and continue on soon. That was big today! Thank you all to all those dialed in, for your desire, your angst and your dreams. May they all come to the light of your love.

Raphael Awen is co-creator, teacher, and facilitator of the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life. Visit for more information about Weekly Sessions, Live Streams, Videos, and Community.

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Day 10 ~ Journal To The Demiurge

Journal To The Demiurge with Raphael Awen

By Raphael Awen

(This is Day 10 of an ongoing series, to begin at day 1, go here:

In Day Ten, I open out an exciting budding connection with Metasoul Brother, King Arthur of Camelot, into our journey at hand. Join with this growing posse of hearts as we form an ambassadorship delegation to meet with the Demiurge.

Thank you for tracking this series. We’re off to see the Demiurge, the Christian God, Yahweh, or Jehovah, to see and feel what we are ready to see and feel together…

Here is Day 10:
Raphael: Okay, ready to rumble, everyone? Let’s roll. I’m feeling like a rockstar! A star in my own universe!

I’ve had some bigger connections with Arthur yesterday, outside of our dialogue here in this Journal together. King Arthur is a beloved Metasoul Brother, and I have both been waiting patiently, as well as with some trepidation, for a deeper connection to arise between us. Well, it arose in a big way and he has agreed to share here, at my request. So, I feel, with no further ado, to ask you to share. Arthur?…

Arthur: Raphael, and also to this great company of hearts and soul. I thank each one of you for allowing me space on this journey with you. I feel so deeply, deeply, honored. I feel a little awkward, however, having the opportunity to share here prior to Animalea sharing. Raphael, you have referred to her, and to what was an all-male circle before she was acknowledged and invited in. This deeply stirred another awakening for me, that our round table in Camelot, as treasured as it was; one of the reasons it came to an end, was the absence of women in our circle. There was a way that each of us as men, were still afraid of our own inner feminine and this was reflected in our no-girls-allowed, boys-only club. So, I’d like to say that I will gladly be delivered my own nervousness of speaking here in this moment and instead be given to hearing from you, Animalea, if you would so relieve me?

Raphael: Animalea?

Animalea: Ahh, King Arthur, I am just settling into hearing from you, and my heart is stirred already by your words. I shall be more ready to share here once I have heard your heart speak.

Raphael: Looks like it’s back to you then, King Arthur.

Arthur: Okay, then, and yes, I shall look very forward to hearing from you also, Animalea.

This is what I felt through to share with you all today. I have been a King, though, recently, this came to mean almost nothing to me. It felt like more of a curse than a blessing. I found myself in great despair with Camelot in ruins and our round table circle of men, that is legendary in your timeline, is but a heartache in mine.  Dispersed to the four winds and seemingly gone forever; until Raphael and Rhodes reached out and began bridging to me. Living with the remains of so much gained and then lost was more than my heart could bear. I closed myself down to my own multidimensionality, trying to minimize my pain, so it took some doing to bring me to this place of being able to be here with you all.

Raphael’s story this life and choice points of actually leaving Christianity, after being so fully in it, is what I was not able to inhabit. This was also a big part of the downfall of Camelot, and my very much beloved circle of brave hearted men. I was always plagued with having one foot in Christianity, and the other foot out of it at the same time. Raphael has helped me to heal my own judgment of myself for allowing this to persist. Hearing Raphael’s story, being taken in so deeply here in this circle, has penetrated my aching and sleeping heart, and renewed a dream in me that lies yet unfulfilled.

Feeling Raphael’s heart, I can feel what might be described as a radar technology that still lives in this circle, that could never be destroyed, that yet connects us, and even invites us out of our despair, as it has me so recently. I honour your preservation and desire of these bonds, Raphael, and acknowledge what you described with your former friend, Rene, as well as with your sacred friendship with Gabriel in your present timeline. I also honor, Raphael, your sacred journey with Mar-yam, as it holds so much reflection and digestion of my relationship with Guinevere. As Raphael and I discussed, something needed to die in order for something larger to be reborn. That something larger is a greater mystery than the former one, and I feel like I still haven’t solved the former one, but I shall be happy now to continue the quest. Everything in its time feels like good medicine for the moment. It just feels so good to have this connection with you all. Again, thank you for your pursuit, Raphael. Thank you, Rhodes, for your holding of the space for this access to all of you. Thank you to this great company. I especially honour this intention at hand. I know that I have things to resolve inwardly and outwardly with the Demiurge as well. I best pause here. I’ve spoken so much more than I thought I was ready to.

Raphael: Wowwww. Get used to the new normal I guess! Now, you know why I’m feeling like a rockstar. Thank you so much, Arthur. Your presence and heart energy comes as a long awaited boost to the energy field here. Thank you for every one of your acknowledgments.

I feel to share a bit as well about our connection that unfolded, so recently. Since the first time I saw and read depictions about the ‘Arthurian Legend’, it always struck a deep chord in me. More recently, I could feel that Arthur was a Metasoul Brother. Letting go of the trap of trying to claim that I was him in a past life and instead simply getting on with the undeniable resonance between us is what the Metasoul picture offers. I began to consciously welcome Arthur into my awareness as I felt each of us calibrating to each other, though there wasn’t conscious communication between us at first. Later came more desire to continue to open up the access points between us. Rhodes, as my Gatekeeper, played a key role in this as he and I felt the risk and desire points together that reconnecting with Arthur would bring us in this timeline.

Such a big one for me is the passion for connection with heart open and passionate men. Arthur, I feel, holds a strong energetic, like he said, a radar, maybe you could even call it a ‘bromance energy’, where men leave their lives as they know them to be a part of something they can’t stay away from. In this way, he and I could simply no longer remain apart, and needed to again bridge our timelines to see where that would take us.

It was only yesterday that I felt a big piece of the breakthrough with Arthur, that Rhodes and I felt ready to let in. A normal afternoon was punctuated by a surprisingly large internal sudden change in the weather. I felt like crap at first, but knew this wasn’t directly mine. I knew it was time to check in directly with Arthur. The access with him was now easy and ripe, and I found him in deep despair, as he said. Our connection immediately brought an awareness, that we discussed and felt together, how the Camelot timeline actually didn’t fail at all, but actually succeeded in all that it was meant to and in all that it could in that time. It was meant to be a powerful seed that falls into the ground and dies, and comes back to life, to bring forth much fruit.

Arthur and I also digested the personal pieces together about the absence of women in the round table. We felt together how this was something that had to be, given the circumstances of his timeline. We also felt how we are actually able to carve out a new timeline now, on his end as well as mine, by leveraging each others’ timelines, all the way into ours here in this circle.

One last final piece we digested together was how the oath of the round table was doomed to eventually come to an end, rooted as it was in moral code, duty, and obligation. Duty and obligation served us for a time to take us to this time that is upon us now, a time led by our deepest and most sacred desires. Arthur and I agreed that we would feel into and write a new sacred oath for the reemergence of the round table that is in alignment with what is true now.

I may look calm on the outside, but I’m jumping up and down on the inside.

Rhodes, a huge thank you for this! Merlin, thank you for the magic spell that opens these portals. Andy, thank you for keeping it fun. Animalea, whom I trust will be talking to us very soon, thank you for the sacred feminine keys to find our way back to the always unfolding alive masculine.

Metatron, I feel to ask you to close out today, if you will. What’s stirring in you?

Metatron: Thank you, Raphael. Thank you, Arthur. There’s a whole lot of gratitude flowing today, and it feels so right, given what we are being given.

I need to pause a moment to see what I shall say. Sometimes the moment needs few words, or even none at all.

I do feel to backlight what is happening here with these words, if you will bear with me. What is happening here today is a taking responsibility for the multidimensionality that we each have; accepting and acknowledging it. Then we are moving beyond that acknowledgement to feel what it is that we are doing with that multidimensionality. Being in a higher frequency, does not mean it is automatically a more benevolent frequency. Many times, we find that the higher dimensions are as equally stuck in unresolved conflict as they are in your more familiar 3D. Hearts and souls at all dimensional frequencies are in need of awakening to The All that love is.

The Demiurge himself is a higher vibrational being. We could not gain access to him without opening out our multidimensionality. Beyond that, however, we need to open our hearts to the love ambassadorship that wants to flow from us, if we desire to be a channel of real change. This doesn’t mean trying to have exchange without boundaries, as if in some misapplied idea of unconditional love. We are feeling through what our conditions are, and how we can face the Demiurge, while respecting the law of free will that exists for every piece of consciousness in the multiverse. Each piece of consciousness is a piece of love returning to love, in an expanded way from what it was at the outset of its journey. The Demiurge itself is one such piece of consciousness that is all contained by love. Accepting this, we are then invited into where our own power lies; into our own choice points; into the power of own free will. It all begins and ends with us.

This is what I feel rumbling inside of Arthur, and my god, what a rumble. It’s time a real kingdom of real power arose in men’s hearts, not ‘power over’, but ‘power with’.

Any more words than that, Raphael, would miss the mark I fear.

Raphael: Okay, I’m going to pause it here then and let all this digest. This party is getting started in here. Stay tuned all.

Raphael Awen is co-creator, teacher, and facilitator of the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life. Visit for more information about Weekly Sessions, Live Streams, Videos, and Community.

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