By Cristian Tydeman

I spent some time looking up the word “convicted”.  Obviously, the first thing that comes up is “being found guilty”.  In biblical terms (and may I preface that I am not nor have ever have been a Christian this life), it seems “convicted” is to realize through the Word of God that the life we had been living was “wrong”.  In either case, both definitions connote judgment.  In my new awareness, conviction is a state of loving embrace.  That is how it feels to me.  I could have easily chosen another word, but somehow this one really resonates with the heart of what I am.

I have recently returned from another Soulfullheart experience in Vancouver.  This time for two weeks.  While the group only met for two days, my process was running on 8 cylinders the whole time.  The compartments that I used to walk in and out of were melting away.  For the first time since I began this journey I was feeling more whole.  More at peace with who I am, not what others “think” I should be.  I brought more of my SFH self this time around and the alchemy of sacred space brought me to this state of conviction in heart, in body, and in soul.

Heart

I am in love.  In love with who I am becoming, in love with a beautiful woman, and in love with the Divine.  During my stay I found myself in an emerging relationship with all of the above.  With my Soulfullheart companion, Kathleen, I had to “show up” and be the man I know I am or risk losing something magical.  We both had to learn to be vulnerable and feel the fear of our parts in any given moment.  Through this sometimes difficult process, there arose a bond I have not experienced in decades.

As a result, I began to experience myself in a whole new way.  I feel more King-like, more open, and more real.  This is what I have been aching to feel my entire lifetime.  It has been worth all the challenges and tears.  The chrysalis is shedding and the wings are unfurling.  I am here…now.  With this new consciousness comes a new name…Cristian.

Body

Another manifestation from my Vancouver stay was the relationship to my body.  Jillian and Wayne have led me to a new respect for what I put into my body and how I maintain and strengthen it.  Though I am just beginning this new phase of my SFH experience, the initial feelings are positive and hopeful.  I went on a shopping trip recently and purchased more fruits and vegetables than I ever have.  Being around health just inspires me to be healthy.  As this unfolds, I will keep you posted on my body-based journey.

Soul

The last, but certainly not least, is my strengthened relationship to the Divine Mother.  From the minute I left my home some two weeks ago, situations occurred that were beyond mere circumstance.  People I sat next to on the plane, unfolding of seemingly unrelated events to lead me to one place or another, and the soft, tender voice that follows me wherever I go.  My daemon, Raybone, went through his own transformation with a new name and thus reestablished a long hiatus from Divine Love.  He has constructed an altar to Her Presence in our life.  All of which was inspired by music gifted to us by Jillian.  He has begun remembering our purpose here on this planet.

I have committed myself to moving toward Vancouver.  I have cleared my heart of any doubt that this is right for me.  I am unshakeable in my desire, unmovable in my faith.  I will be there.  I am there, now, in heart and in love.  The Divine tells me to follow my love and a path will be laid.  There will be challenges and fear along the way, but with Her Love, Kathleen’s love, and the love of my Soulfullheart family of Jillian, Wayne, and my daughter, there is nothing that will stop me.   I am. . . Convicted.

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