A Part Of Me

part of me

By Raphael Awen

A bigger than usual personal piece for me the past few days, even to the point of choosing to not attend yesterday’s scheduled group call of ours, opened out. I felt to share a window of it, even as i’m still feeling a bit wobbly on some new-found legs, around it all.

A few days ago, I felt an energy in me frustrated with the pace of things ‘Why can’t spiritual growth be more instant? Why does it seem so foggy to truly remember who and what we really are? And when we do remember, why does it take so much process?’ I was also curious to have more of a visceral sense of my star-being self, (of who I am outside of this incarnation) as Jelelle and Kalayna have had open out for themselves recently. I felt a different tone to all of these energies and decided to journal with the voice of it that evening. A name came immediately as I did: ‘Rhodes’ which I later learned means ‘opening in the forest’ or ‘rose arden’. Rhodes told me that he was entrusted with keeping the veil of forgetfulness in place to make the whole earth-life thing doable. As I corresponded with him, negotiating with him to allow for a relaxation of this role of his in my life, he softened considerably and told me that I would feel an immediate shift and that I needed to be ready for it, as it can be quite destabilizing he told me. I was surprised by the sense of how much business we conducted in a short single journal session, but felt tired and that I needed to rest to hold what was coming.

That night, I had a dream where some men were sheeting a ceiling on a construction renovation project and it was clumsy as the house was unlevel and off square. A much more experienced guy walked in and offered that backing up and undoing the sheeting, correcting the settling first and starting over would be quite easy and much more effective in the long run. I took from that the guidance to be willing to let go of some ‘progress’ as well as some obvious struggle. Many times deconstruction is necessary in order to construct the life we really want. The valid thing we built before doesn’t fit where we want and need to go now.

The next morning, I had scheduled to take our dog Koda into the groomers for a much needed haircut and relief for the hot season. Between the language barrier and my desire to go through with this, and Koda’s protectiveness, I was left with having to leave him for the day, him maybe having to get a needle to sedate him as he can be bitey to strangers and especially groomers that don’t feel him. The clerk offered me a kennel to put him in and when I did, he resisted and I reassured him after feeling if this is what I should really do or not, and had to force him into the kennel. I then left, with Koda barking like crazy and me feeling quite uneasy about what was supposed to be a couple hour deal now stretching out into an all day affair with Koda having to be taken off site to some special groomers who can handle dogs who may bite. I had planned to hang out up town, but felt so uncomfortable for Koda that I went directly home thinking that Jelelle was going to say ‘You did what? OMG, we have to go and pick him up!’ Turns out Jelelle didn’t feel any of that and felt a trust about it all that I (and part of me) then rested into.

This then brought up the question about ‘why the big reaction in me?’. As I felt it, I was immediately brought back to feeling a visceral sense of moments in my life when I felt forced into a new context that I didn’t feel ready for, and into the pain of incarnation itself. I also recalled my early boyhood years with a dear friend that we used to play for hours alone together out in the woods in northern British Columbia. I recently learned that this area of Canada is known for considerable UFO activity, and I have been feeling into if my friend and I, and my fond memories are actually about a deeper connection with star-beings that were then obviously wiped from our memories. It only took a few moments of letting in all these feelings and i was immediately in tears. Jelelle of course supported me to go into the feelings. I took to my bed to weep out some of the most guttural tears I have ever had. The feelings ranged from anger at the necessary amnesia needed for our human earth-life journey, to realizing that I chose this, to feeling an overwhelming sense of love for the me who was forced into the many ‘kennels’ of human life. Later that evening, I was feeling into what this ‘Rhodes’ part of me was protecting so faithfully and I could feel the visceral sense of my star-being self. I happened to be corresponding with a man named ‘Andy’ that evening on facebook and I recalled how much I’ve always loved that name as ‘Andrew’ means ‘man,’ and it just felt right to call this emerging young part of me ‘Andy’ and see him as my star-being self.

So who’d have guessed that a trip to the dog groomer could bring up so much?! I of course recalled the familiarity of life circumstance coinciding with process and knew that none of this was random. Koda did make it home that evening, and although evidently he had been through alot, he was glad to be home, (although almost completely shaved, almost to the point of being unrecognizable, thanks again to the language barrier).

The next morning, (yesterday), was our scheduled group call and though I felt raw, I felt I could show up for the call as I’ve done lots of life while in process and feeling raw and have been shown how magical it can be to hold an emerging part of myself and take it into life with me as I do. As I lay in bed though and felt Andy, I felt how he didn’t want to show up for anyone, like doing the call would be stuffing him into the kennel. I was able to feel in all of my focus on service this life, particularly around showing up for public speaking, there has been a layer of self-consciousness that another part of me (Rhodes) has had to manage and suppress to keep things intact. This has left a layer of performing and unnaturalness with my service to others (though Jelelle assures me, it’s quite small) that when feeling Andy’s discomfort around people, feels quite big. Jelelle and Gabriel and Kalayna were more than equipped to do the call without me and I suspected there would be some corresponding reason for me not to be there as I chose to take Andy out on a wonder walk through town. (star-beings love to do that with you holding them)

Before heading out with Andy, I had to tend to Koda who had bouts of diarrhea and spitting up all night, feeling more of the trauma that he (and Andy) had both been put through, each on their respective timelines. As I was waiting for Koda to do his business, I looked up at the hillside and for the first time ever in our neighbourhood, I looked up at a mexican pheasant in flight heading our way as it flew into a nearby branch, lodged there a while and then flew again right across our field of vision putting on a little show for us with all of it’s beautiful colors. I knew it was a message and felt the love in it, but decided to google ‘pheasant animal totem’ to see what else might be there. I read about their magical power of attractiveness and pursuing what they want AND that they also know when to pull away and take respite for themselves. Okay, then, another message to pull away and be with myself (myselves).

I’m feeling, as i mentioned on some wobbly, but new legs in the world, feeling a very real aspect of myself, birthed out of the ‘amneasic sac’ of forgetfulness into being re-membered back into my conscious awareness. There’s a lot more to integrate it feels like, but I wanted to share this update as both Andy and Rhodes seem okay with me doing so as they both feel a new me here to hold them.

Turns out the group call went AMAZING without me, or maybe more like ‘with me being right where I was meant to be’.

Okay, back to digesting, …more pieces to put together…Thank you for feeling this with me, and may it give you a window into the magic of feeling your own parts.

Raphael Awen is co-creator, teacher, and facilitator of the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life.Visit  www.soulfullheartwayoflife.com for more information about sessions, group calls, videos, community, etc. Visit our patreon page to make a donation to support our work at https://www.patreon.com/soulfullheart.

 

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