Tag: artists

By Christopher Tydeman

I am an artist. That is what I have been told by many artists to tell myself. “If you create a doodle, you are an artist.” A part of me would disagree since I don’t have many pieces to justify that claim. That is my inner critic voice. The one you hear about in most art classes. The one that decides what an artist is or isn’t. What art is or isn’t. Will my time be rewarded by money and/or accolades? A litany of excuses why I shouldn’t even put in the effort.

Then there is my muse. My creative spark. My constantly open third eye that scans for beauty, genius, and energy. It is in resistance to this quelling of my inner critic. Throw water on it and it finds a way to not be silenced for very long. I can hear my inner critic exclaiming, “Why won’t you just surrender?”. The response back is the same. My muse has a major advantage. It is what makes me… me.

Since I was a child, I had an imagination. I played with Star Wars action figures (not dolls!), Hot Wheels, Legos, Lincoln Logs, Playdough, crayons and pencils. I loved to build forts and play Star Wars at recess with my friends. Eventually, that imagination was sequestered and replaced with sex, schoolwork, and then adulthood. Even as an art student in college, I was graded and critiqued. Though, I did find some classes to be inspiring. After graduation, I had a child and needed to be a provider, not an artist. At the time, I convinced myself I couldn’t be both.

Years later, I found myself a teacher of children ages 7-12. Being around an age where I left my creativity, I found myself wanting to wake up my muse, to bring life to an otherwise dull curriculum. I had an explosion of creativity and passion. So many great ideas and lots of work, but it was worth it. But the constant behaviour difficulties and the micromanagement of teaching led me lose my umph, yet again.

I tried to replace that with my own creative projects, but they wilted as soon as they began. Not enough light, not enough water, not enough me to ground them into. I took classes occasionally to rekindle that spark, but the inner critic prevailed once again. I find myself aching to create once again. My muse sitting beside me waiting to be heard, felt, and seen. Beside me is my critic. My fear. My judgment. I choose to dialogue with this part of me so I can give it space to be heard and felt. I cannot create without doing so. It has an intimate relationship with my muse. The more I can feel this part of me, the more I can open the doors of creativity and inspiration, of power and self-love. It has good reason to keep me from my essence. I do not wield an ax to sever it from who I am. It is a part of who I am. It is me, just not all of me.

I may choose to share my journaling with this part of me, if it agrees. I hope that it will illuminate something for you, as it will for me. I have no idea where the journaling goes or what it will manifest. I just have my desire, intention, and choice. I desire to create, I intend to create, I choose to create. That is all I can do today and the next. The rest is a mystery.

Join me….

Christopher Tydeman has been embracing the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life since August, 2010. He is a SoulFullHeart facilitator-in-training, author on this blog, and he hosted the SoulFullHeart Experience Radio Show. For more information about the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life, visit soulfullheart.com.