Tag: conversations with god

Note To Readers: It’s Christopher and Divine Father today, Not Wayne

C: Buenas tardes, Father.

DF: Buenas tardes, mijo. Como estas?

C: I just woke up from a nap. Feeling a little groggy but I really wanted to journal with you. I have nothing specific up but I wanted to talk just the same.

DF: I enjoy our conversation whether we go deep into feeling or not. I love that you are open to connecting with me without needing to be in crisis to do so.

C: Yeah, me too, Father. I remember in Santa Rosa always talking at you when I would go hiking, rather than talking with you like I am now. Feels so much more satisfying and it touches my heart not just my mind.

DF: It takes some guidance, modeling, and practice for many. Just like others may read these words and feel inspired to do so. But what is the most important is what is transacting between you and me, Christopher. I love you very much and my heart is filled with joy when we talk. I really do mean that.

C: Thank you so much, Father. I can’t image you say anything that isn’t full of meaning, that is why am so touched. It is why I keep wanting to connect with you just as I did Mother when I was journaling with Her. I can feel how a part of me always feels like there needs to me some content to talk about, but what I am just getting that maybe it is just feeling our love for each other that matters.

DF: The words are just a way to get to that very thing, Christopher. They are the means to feel each other in loving exchange. This is not a one way street, mijo. I receive more from you than you can possibly imagine.

C: That is still hard to let in sometimes, Father, but I am getting there. I am beginning to feel you as not just some far off entity but an energy that is sitting right with me as I type and also when I am not. I like that.

DF: That is all I have ever wanted with anyone, Christopher. To be felt in that way. I don’t want to be relegated to the heavens. I want to be here with you, next to you, around you, and inside you. I want to be a true Father to you in all the ways you need me to be that brings you to your most beautiful alive self. I want to feel that take root in all my children, especially my sons. Oh, my sons.

C: I feel an ache in that, Father.

DF: Yes, thank you for acknowledging that. Even I have pain. Mother and I are not just about Joy. We experience pain for everyone everyday.

C: What is it about your sons that you feel pain about, Father.

DF: I feel how hardened they have become. So closed off to their true humanity in the name of ‘manliness’. The need to compete with each other instead of cooperate. The need control all aspects of their life rather than being in trust and play. The need to destroy rather than living in balance. The killing of each other over there perceived righteousness. There is so much goodness in all men, if they could just feel me and how much I love them, I could give all they didn’t get and needed when they were a child. Even though I know there is a greater purpose to this condition, it still pains me to feel all the self-hatred, unworthiness, and abuse toward each other. But it is the arising relationship with those like you and Wayne that give me so much hope and faith that we, the sacred masculine, will find our way to a place of true heart and soul connection. That there will be a calvary of men to lead humanity into a new world centered and grounded in the heart, the soul, and the earth.

C: Wow. I want that as much for me as I do for you, Father. My heart just balooned and swelled as you said those words. I guess the big question for me is what does this ‘sacred masculine’ look and feel like?

DF: What would you like it to look and feel like?

C: Hmmm…you put me on the spot. I feel how I would like men to drop the machismo bullshit for starters. I don’t want men to consider each other in some narrow frame. That if you don’t fit in that narrow frame you are judged as this or that. I want the frame to widen but not to a point of any behaviour being considered sacred. I want men to feel sacred, Father. How can there be sacred masculine without the Sacred?

DF: Kind of a big criterion if you ask me.

C: I would think you would. Okay, so I would like men to feel their dad wounds with other heart open men to help heal the machismo thing. It has to be man to man or else it doesn’t get to move. From this healing I feel a much healthier relationship between men, one in which we can conflict with each other without pulling out a piece so solve it.

DF: That IS the healing right there, isn’t it Christopher? The dad wound. Hard to get to the true Sacred with that elephant in the room. But that elephant is a golden one. It comes with a ton of gifts and love. It is just so hard for men to see that as a possibility. The desire to face their wounds as a source of true power. Men, as a result of their dad wounds, are searching for power and control because they were stripped of it as a child. They were also not given the love they needed to feel fully accepted in the world as a man and so they are out there defining there own ‘man’ without respect for how that affects others. It takes a really courageous person to want to go there, but I know they are there. They just need to feel there are others out there speaking the gospel of the wounded male with an open heart and a desire to help.

C: I couldn’t agree more, Father. As I started my SoulFullHeart process and began to work with Wayne, I could feel how foreign and awkward it was to a part of me, but also how desirable and needed at the same time. A part of me needed to feel the heart of a healthy man to bring me to my wound and feel it together in real time. Now I can be a dad to my own parts and the healing can continue.

DF: It is a real gift that SoulFullHeart offers that. To be able to be a dad to your male and female parts is the path to self-love. What men need most is self-love. They really don’t like themselves because their dad didn’t like themselves either. It is a tragic legacy that is being handed down generation after generation and it just spreads and grows like a cancer in the soul of man. I don’t see how we reach all men before something tragic happens, but to be there for any man both before and after will be a powerful act of transformation and evolution. Thy Will be done.

C: Amen, Father. I love feeling this with you and I would like to continue it. I have some watering to do but we can reconnect later and feel more.

DF: Yes, please Christopher. It is a urgent topic, one that will find its way into the hearts that are ready to hear and feel it. I will meet you there. Wanna race? : )

C: Uh, no. Nice try.

DF: Hahaha! I will hop on one foot, how’s that?

C: Very funny. See you up there.

Christopher Tydeman is a co-founder of Soulfullheart Community. Visit soulfullheart.com for more information.

W: Hello Divine Father.

DF: Hello Wayne, what’s going on today?

W: Well, I got laid off from the painting job that I was putting some time into as the people decided they needed to do it themselves. So my little foray into some painting post retirement seems to be have come to an end.

DF: And what was there to feel in that for you, or Tristan?

W: It feels like the time of seeking to find our way in life by extending myself out to others with a paintbrush is really fully winding down. For Tristan, it had felt like a way to earn some pesos. It hurt some for him to lose that, felt more like having it taken away, in the moment. But as I felt it through with him, he so gets that it’s time for this to move and transmute inside of him too. He would like to see us earn our keep through our deeper gifts, rather than a skill I took on 3 plus decades ago. So him and I are on the same page and feeling trust and that it was the universes way of leading.

DF: I almost feel like I need to apologize to Tristan, Wayne. With all that you, me and him moved and spoke about in these dialogues, it picks up the pace of things.

W: He felt that with me too and assured me that he wanted and realized it was time to let go of painting, that to hang onto it would be a resistance to what is being asked of us now. Showing up for someone as a painter is quite a different frequency than showing up for someone as a healer, and a community leader. We were both feeling that growing stretch, which is really a growing dis-integration, or disintegrity, if you will, where something has to give.

DF: And so the universe tapped on your shoulder, and restructured a few things.

W: Yes, it did, Father. Just like I wanted and just like I asked for and just like you said to be on the lookout for.

DF: And while all of that is true, that doesn’t mean there aren’t still things to feel when it does show up. Some part of you is going to have a bunch to digest.

W: I’ll keep feeling it all, but for now, I feel trusting and like it’s right on time. I went to bed last night after reading yesterday’s dialogue to Christopher and Jillian like we do every night at dinner, and was feeling new energy moving though all of us around community. I could feel that energy in my sleep, and then I woke with it too. I can feel premonitions of things changing.

DF: I feel premonitions of things changing for you too, Wayne.

W: Like what, Father?

DF: Well, with what we talked about yesterday, and you saying you were ready to show up for, what words did we put around it, something about ‘rooted and grounded empowerment in your alchemy, having to do with leadership’…, you can’t talk that way and not stir up change.

W: I hope it’s the kind of change I like.

DF: Well, Wayne, whether you like it or not has more to do with how you respond to it and feel it. Just like Tristan had things to feel to let go of today, there can be disappointment. But with your healthy wanter, I trust that you will find the universe is benevolent in the changes it brings and that it’s in line with your heart and souls’ alchemy, and nothing you can’t handle.

W: Nothing to play victim to here, is there, Father?

DF: Nope, not at all. Just the opposite, there’s new stuff to respond to, to show up for and find your way with.

W: In line with that energy, Father, what I was feeling last night after our dialogue, when you talked about what naturally comes after we do our homework of feeling all of our reactions, was a piece about the action steps that arise from that, For me, in line with that, what’s coming is inviting others into our community here at the ranch.

DF: I like it.

W: Really? Why?

DF: Well, for one thing, it would be shrinking and hiding for you not to be inviting. And for another thing, you’ve gone to all the trouble to set the table and plan the banquet, it’s just what comes next.

W: I went through a phase, Father, of feeling a push-pull around inviting, like I was in some kind of sales or marketing energy, or maybe more accurately, not wanting to be seen as in a sales or marketing energy.

DF: Why?

W: I think it has to do with whenever I’ve taken initiative and invited people into something, there was something that I wasn’t being as vulnerable about as I could have been, or fully honest about, and I felt something off about that. Then it also had to do with feeling the hurt if the person wasn’t interested in what I was offering.

DF: Want to look at both of those together?

W: I’d like that.

DF: This isn’t about fixing anything in you, Wayne. It’s just about supporting your intuition and your guidance with some spine and courage to take action. Okay?

W: Okay.

DF: Good. Now, vulnerability, honesty, and ‘full disclosure,’ I think they call it, the idea being of not hiding anything that might be a disincentive to the person buying. The transparency is what really makes for a sound deal because it dissolves any pretense that might be forming or functioning in the relationship. The challenge of community is to thin out the pretense in relationships that people consider normal, and even natural. It may be normal, but it’s far from natural.

W: I think you just reminded me why I’m drawn to community, Father. I want to go deeper into relating without pretense. Years ago, I read a book by a guy who said adamantly that the source of all stress is lying and pretense. Somehow, those words sum up an entire spiritual growth trajectory for me.

DF: And for the human race too, Wayne. It’s a race to be real.

W: Like a competition kind of race where the best man or woman wins?

DF: No, more like a progress, or a swiftly moving current where everyone wins together.

W: Plenty of room for us to grow in that.

DF: Totally. If someone isn’t feeling the challenge of transparency and emotional honesty in their relating, they aren’t actually safe to relate with. Human consciousness is getting that more and more, with people sensing a sham much quicker, but this growth in humanity needs to be led on it’s leading edge by people willing to embody it in their relating, with a bar set much higher.

W: Talk about etching something into human consciousness.

DF: And no other way to do that, than in community. Humanity is community.

And what was the other piece we were going to look at Wayne? Yes, the fear of rejection. You invite, and the person is indifferent or doesn’t even respond. Does that cover it?

W: Exactly.

DF: What would you say about that, Wayne?

W: Hmmm. So, if I am inviting in this way you are describing, with transparency and vulnerability, then I am offering my best gift, and reason would offer that maybe I should offer something less in case it’s not accepted, or wanted, to lessen the pain of rejection. I mean, that’s kind of been the standard human deal, hasn’t it? But as I feel it now, in our energy, Father, what comes is that by giving in this half hearted way, I really cheat myself of the off-the-charts nourishment that could come if someone responded to my heart open invitation. And there is the question to feel also about if I offer from a place of not being as heart open as I could be, how much of what I am receiving in return is a reflection of that? How much am I creating my own reality, in this case, disappointment?

DF: You are so on it, Wayne. And I’d offer you one more piece. There is this crazy joy of being fully in your power, in the world, in your relating, where nothing is being politely hidden, like you needed to do to be palatable to paint people’s homes for instance. The world is so built on bullshit, Wayne, that when one person becomes disloyal to the bullshit, everything in their world changes. You know this one. It hurts some to go through the crash, sure, but the freedom is like no other, and it isn’t one iota dependent upon the other persons’ response. It influences their response big time. It makes their disinterest far more alchemical in their life. Saying no to a telemarketer is pretty easy. Saying no to a once in a life times soul mates offer of friendship is quite another. You will change the world and your world, Wayne, if you are prepared to be more and more in this way.

W: I think I am.

DF: I said all that and you think you are.

W: Yeah, but you’ve been itching to say that regardless of my response.

DF: Hey man, I can keep my insights to myself if you’d like.

W: Father, I am so struck with your words and heart, I don’t know where to start.

DF: Good!

W: Real good. Thank you again.

DF: You’re welcome again.

Wayne Vriend is a co-founder of Soulfullheart Community, healer and author of 90 Days With Yeshua. Visit soulfullheart.com for more information.

W: Hello Divine Father.

DF: Hey Wayne. How are you?

W: I Just got back from a town trip for most of the day, so I feel a bit tired and considered pausing on our dialogue today, but then I suspected that there might be something in a ‘come as you are moment,’ rather than waiting till I feel more wind in my sails. I also would like to show people how connecting with you doesn’t require any special ‘got it all together’ deal, ‘look at how special I am’ kind of thing.

DF: Hallelujah, Wayne and praise Allah. The only thing I hate more than religious pretense is the harm it does to people who are ready and willing to connect, but have excluded themselves having been conned into the religious bullshit. Hell, I’m coming as I am, nothing more, nothing less. So How was town?

W: I always find town disconnected to large degree. There is a pretty thick personal space bubble around each person, other than the little children, who I’d be happiest to go and play with, if the parents would let me. It’s such a world of money and commerce, even here in small town rural Mexico. So, in all of that, I feel a layer of a need for connection with others that doesn’t get met when I go to town. Then being on-line for a couple hours to post and schedule these dialogues also leaves me with a bit of a yuck feeling of disconnect. It seems the internet, that gave us all this possibility of connection, also gave us to the same degree a recoil of genuine communication, and left us with fuckin’ facebook. Not that I’m on facebook, god forbid, but that same energy seems to pervade the internet.

DF: I feel you writing lately about intimacy and community Wayne and then having to compare that with what is around you. I honor that you can be with the dissonance between the two. And I’m sorry that it hurts to feel that discrepancy. AND, thank you for being willing to feel both feelings; the desire and disappointment. It’s in the willingness to feel opposing feelings that a creative alchemy arises in which to bring forth the desired thing.

W: Thank you for feeling that Father, and for reminding me, in such a deeply honoring way. That goes in.

DF: Come as you are works pretty good doesn’t it?

W: Yes, it does. So, If I just heard you right, you said something like disappointment is part of the alchemy of something new arising?

DF: That’s what I said.

W: My whole life, I’ve been conditioned to avoid disappointment, and if I’m stuck with a conscious disappointment over something being delayed or not working out as hoped, to then seek to numb it down with something more desirable to feel. Are you saying that I could come to see disappointment as even a good thing?

DF: I know you’ve had that conditioning Wayne, but you’ve also come a country mile away from that conditioning in being willing to feel what most are unwilling to feel. Disappointment is a true human feeling. Underneath it is always a need. It may be buried a couple layers down, but a true and genuine human need always underlies a disappointment. If someone can make space to feel their disappointment, it reconnects them and grounds them in their own heart. This then allows the alchemy of the real need to bring newness into someone’s life.

W: But how then is feeling disappointment in the way you are describing different from being depressed?

DF: Depression is pretty much the opposite. What I’m talking about is an expression, rather than a depression. A depression is a suppressing of feelings and the needs associated with those feelings, and then numbing it all down. I’m describing feeling it all.

W: Part of me felt a bit ‘complainy’ when I was telling you about my town experience today, like I should just be more positive…

DF: As if that would make you look all connected with the divine…

W: When in truth, it’s just connected to a lot of bullshit.

DF: Anyone who resists feeling anything they deem negative just cuts off half of their feeling experience and that’s what creates depression. Feeling and expressing negative feelings and finding the needs and desires underneath leads to something very different.

W: You called it an ‘alchemy.’

DF: The heart is a way more cooler thing than anyone has begun to see Wayne, me included, for that matter. But a beginning place of seeing the heart is seeing it’s power to transmute stuff, and living your way into it.

W: And then it kinda puts the responsibility back on my shoulders.

DF: Yeah, it does, but in a really cool way. Once you get past playing victim and living without getting your needs met, and learning to do without and all of that, and begin to see the role you play in this alchemy, things change. It takes some courage, like facing the yuk you felt coming back from town, and letting that reconnect you with the ache and desire for intimacy and connection.

W: I’m amazed in the moment Father how this baptizes all of the range of my moment by moment feeling experience into the sacred as well as the empowered.

DF: It so does just that, and it gets easier too with practice, as this reaction to suppress a feeling thins out more and more. A whole new life reality kind of sneaks up on you. It’s one of those things too that needs to be gradual for it to be healthy.

W: A whole new life reality sneaking up on me. I like the sound of that. Isn’t that the allure somehow of soap opera’s, imagining a completely different life for oneself?

DF: People who are stuck in suppressed feelings want out, big time. They weren’t meant to be there. They just can’t see a way out, so an imagination comes in to fill the gap, but real feelings aren’t being consciously felt, so the person stays looping in the disappointment that undergirds their life.

W: Which is another way of being in disempowerment…

DF: Yes, that’s so true, disempowerment cycling in numbness and disconnect until that alchemizes a desire to reach out of that soup for something more. That something more, however, begins in the heart, with a willingness to feel, a willingness to want.

W: and what does it lead to after that?

DF: The alchemy creates something that couldn’t arise any other way, except through this feeling incubator. The person has a different and changing energy about them. Their soul song is resonating in the soularium in new ways. New guidance comes. New ways of being arise. New actions arise too.

W: We tend to look at empowerment as some big deal that we kind of pull off because we’re so hot, but what you’re describing feels like something so grounded compared to that.

DF: Rooted and grounded empowerment is really again the opposite of what we see as powerful. Powerful people cling to power as expressions that serve to demonstrate how undernourished they actually are in life in relation to their real needs. Empowered and grounded people hold authority with a wide open hand and heart, it’s so completely different. Their authority is something that just is, that arises from their essence, that doesn’t need defense and manipulation in order to express.

W: We could so use more examples of that…

DF: Uh, huh, and where do you think those are going to come from?

W: I know where you’re going with that and I feel that inside of me as well. It’s going to come from me Father, if I’m willing.

DF: Are you willing?

W: I am father, especially after talking my disappointment through with you.

DF: Good. Then lead Wayne. Don’t ask permission. Don’t seek to be certified or titled or recognized in order to act. Feel all of this below the waterline stuff and then trust the guidance that arises, especially in the desire department. Desire is literally unfolding life Wayne. Guidance will arise. You might be a bit freaked out how fast and furious it comes. Well, maybe not freaked out, but tweaked out shall we say.

W: I like it Father, all of it. Thank you. I accept the stepping up again of leadership and acting on guidance, as a natural deal that arises from feeling.

DF: I don’t know of anything more masculine Wayne, it’s sacred, it’s empowered, it’s full of love and heart and it embraces the feminine in this way that the universe actually aches for.

W: I know Jillian would be saying ‘yumm’ right about know and giving me those eyes that go along with that.

DF: Yeah. This stuff is meant to be fun, man.

W: Thank you Divine Father, I’m glad I reached out to you.

DF: I’m glad you did too. You weren’t the only one in a funk.

W: Really!?

DF: Today was a bit of a slow day and I was feeling some of the same stuff you were Wayne. I held space for myself as I held space for you.

W: You rock!

DF: I rock!

W: Hasta Manana

DF: Hasta Mananaaaa….

Wayne Vriend is a co-founder of SoulFullHeart Community, healer and author of 90 Days With Yeshua. Visit soulfullheart.com for more information.

 

W: Happy Solstice Day Father.

DF: Thank you Wayne. It’s good to feel the cycles of life, and the changes they bring.

W: Father, I wasn’t raised pagan this life to know much about that really. Even the term Solstice is more recent in my vocabulary. I just looked it up in the dictionary and it says it’s the term for the longest and shortest days of the year, and the literal meaning is about ‘sol’ for sun and ‘stice’ for stopped. So I could use some help here if you have any.

DF: While you may have chosen to veil off your awareness in this life up till recently about these things, It feels like you were wide open to these realities in other lives Wayne. Does that feel real to you?

W: Yes, I can feel a deeper wisdom around it, coming from somewhere.

DF: That’s all that matters. Let’s see if we can tune that in together.

W: I like that Father, you’re so easy going.

DF: What do you mean?

W: I think you know, you’re not all ‘here’s the way it is!’ about stuff.

DF: I am proud of a couple things I claim to know, and one of them is that when I claim to know something in full, I find out fast, that I don’t. So, yeah, I’ve learned to take things a whole lot easier.

W: Because truth is not an absolute, fixed thing is it?

DF: Far from it, truth is busy seeking truth, and when it finds it, it holds it lightly, because it morphs again.

W: Wow, those would be fighting words for the Christian heavenly father.

DF: They’d be fighting words for the people who hold the idea of the Christian Heavenly Father.

W: I take it you don’t hold him as a reality that actually exists.

DF: Well, Wayne, I don’t hold him or myself for that matter, as any kind of spiritual physical scientific reality, in the way that humans tend to think of ‘god.’

W: How then do you see yourself?

DF: I see myself through your eyes. I am who you see me as. You create me through your perception of me. This is true for me as well as heavenly father. I am the creation of your divinity projected out onto the canvas of the sacred masculine. Any dad wounds, and dad desires from this life or past get hung up in the projector.

W: That feels somehow that you are less real to some conditioning in me, when you claim what feels like a lesser reality. It’s disappointing somehow, father.

DF: Wayne, I get the feeling of the mourning of letting go of a ‘real’ god, but if this guy actually exists, and he’s a he, and he happens to know everything, waiting around till the rest of us get it, and he can’t help but be judgmental when you know everything, and because he’s god, well then he must be the embodiment of love too, it just ends up all fucked up, Wayne. Royally fucked up. God is fucked up big time Wayne.

W: When you say that Father, I still flinch some because I imagine a person or two from my past reading this, and I’d so love it if they weren’t feeling like you were the devil speaking just now, so that they might be able to take this in on some level, and join me in the discovery and path I’ve chosen.

DF: I know, Wayne. I’m sorry for you, Man. But if I prissied myself up, all proper, I’d be like that boy sitting in church we talked about yesterday, bored as hell, hearing about heaven, and just wanting to get out of those clothes and go out and PLAY. I reserve the right to be challenging and a shit disturber. I hope that isn’t my identity, but I do reserve the right.

W: Well, that feels like a really good template for the sacred masculine. Somewhere in there is going to come the need to be challenging and a shit disturber. We still have plenty of shit that needs disturbing. I just hope there are souls that can feel the love in the disturbance.

DF: Here’s getting back to the solstice Wayne. The universe moves in cycles. Challenging disturbances are one of the cycles, settling into new growth and times of rest are other cycles. Some cycles are annual like the sun’s movements, but soul movements can be several lifetimes in their seasons. It feels like you had several lifetimes holding the picture of the Christian God, and even in that there was much cycle and change for you, and growth.

W: Nothing feels static in the universe does it, Father?

DF: In fact, there is so much movement and change going on at all times, that people do shit to make it seem like there isn’t movement. The popular God is one of those deals, creating a god who never changes. All of that is born out of the fear of change.

W: Why is it that we are so resistant to change, Father?

DF: That’s got to be the best question I’ve ever heard, and you know, I still find myself asking it.

W: What answers have you gotten so far?

DF: So far, and please don’t quote me on any of this, because that seems to enshrine the answer and stifle the quest, just like the ‘Can’onization of the Bible. It’s canned truth. You can get that anywhere. Homegrown and fresh out of the garden is much closer to what I feel is real. To your questing question, what I’ve gotten so far is that change is so fundamentally interwoven in the fabric of the universe, and that being a part of the changing universe, as a changing being in the midst of all being, is frightening. To be calls upon trust. To be is to have needs and fears, and only trust can fall back into the arms and womb of a benevolent universe. We all come up with attempts to slow down or resist change with schemes that have the look and feel of something that doesn’t change, break down, or rust, or fall apart.

W: The last 10 years have felt like so much change, it feels like I’m often times trying to adjust to recent changes, rather than feeling the change that is under my feet in the moment, and resting in it. I’d like to become more ‘in the moment’ feeling of change, somehow, Father.

DF: Trying to catch up with a change is often only needed because it wasn’t being felt adequately as it was happening. Part of you was in resistance to feeling change, and then when it came, there was an element of surprise and need to digest it later, which is really an indigestion. Being fully open to a changing universe is feeling that everything is changing all the time. Then there’s not the same need to catch up. There can still be sorrow of what was lost, but that’s a current feeling of letting go rather than a resistance.

W: In the moment digestion of change, I like that Father. You come up with the coolest shit, man.

DF: It’s just my job, man. What’s a god gotta do, you know. Gotta earn my keep and all that.

W: Sure you weren’t a black rapper in a past life?

DF: This was the way it is,… when you look forward and back,… you come to realize,… that you recognize,… and you apologize… for saying no to bein’ changed, that you end up deranged…..uh, huh.

Maybe I was, Wayne. Maybe I was. How was that?

W: I thought it was great.

DF: Thank you.

W: Thank you again Divine Father.

DF: Isn’t real conversation awesome. Just get real and open your mouth.

W: Sounds like something good for tomorrow.

DF: Okay, I’ll hold off till then.

W: Till then, Father.

 

Wayne Vriend is a healer and author of 90 Days With Yeshua. Visit soulfullheart.com for more information.

 

W: Hello Father. It’s a totally quiet Saturday afternoon here at the ranch; so peaceful in fact, I hope I can muster a connection with you.

DF: Hello Wayne. I like peaceful. I think we’ll muster a connection just fine.

W: Great, because I’m still wondering where to go with you today.

DF:   Let’s just be in the quiet together and see what comes to you or me and let’s feel into that together.

W: There’s a sweet and gentle breeze, all kinds of bird song, an apple flavored piece of hard candy in my mouth, and I feel a desire arising to connect with you Father. Hope that wasn’t too wordy for the meditative space you were suggesting.

DF: Connecting is so much easier than people make it out to be Wayne. It’s rare, but not actually difficult.

W: ‘Rare, but not difficult…’ Sounds intriguing…

DF: Well, you are starting out with an intention because you set out to connect with me for these dialogues. Intention is a great starting place. The reason for the intention is not so important, unless of course, it’s a pretentious reason, which means the connection will be mixed with a bunch of pretense, but even in that, there can be some connection. But beyond pretense, any reason to support an intention works. Desire, needs and wants are all especially good.

W: But why is connecting so rare though? What gets in the way of desire leading our Intention?

DF: Relationality has so much to do with Intention. A connection is something that is maintained by purpose, choice and desire. Without those things, coming from the heart, it withers in neglect and dies. But more to your question, Wayne, what gets in the way of intention is feelings of not being worthy to have the relationship, or oftentimes, for many people, it’s about not wanting to get close because they perceive the divine as punitive. So many barriers have been placed in people’s perceptions of God that they don’t really see a connection as something they’d actually want, even if they didn’t have the worthiness conundrum around it.

W: When I open my heart and my mind to our connection right now, I feel support and love for me. I also feel some feelings of needs and desires for something that I can’t quite put my finger on, something that I would usually go and satisfy with a sweet food, or a productive activity, or vegging out on line, or in a book. In that, I can feel that parts of me still has anxieties, desires, needs as I am doing life, and then I can feel a divine care and love for me in those needs as well.

DF: That’s interesting Wayne, because many people have thought that connecting with me is about quieting the mind from what they consider distractive noise. But if what your mind is on is a jelly donut, then that is where you are at. Those are not feelings to be transcended in order to ‘get to’ our connection, but those feelings are doorways to our connection. How did anyone ever think they could start from any other place than where they are at? It wouldn’t be them whose doing the connecting, but rather some idealized pretzel the person gets themselves into in hope for a connection.

W: Well, thank you for that Father, because even as we are talking, I’m judging, or part of me is judging that I’m not doing a very good job of connecting with you right now.

DF: And thank you for admitting that Wayne, because being real and transparent is what a connection is about, especially when you have self conscious feelings running, or judgments. The deal is Wayne is that you and I are already inseparably and fully connected, what we are talking about when we speak of connecting is letting in an experience of that connection that colors our feelings in the moment, that addresses a need, that fills the heart.

W: Beginning where we are at…, even as I felt a bit flat coming into this conversation, a bit unsure of how interesting I’d be, a bit tired from working till mid afternoon, all of that was part of where I’m at.

DF: Okay, so I said that it begins with intention…scratch that for now. It really begins with where you’re at, like you are saying, because you can’t start from any other place. Intention can only be grounded in where you are at in the moment. See, I’m not so sure I’m making sense right now either. So join the club. You know Wayne, If I could speak so eloquently and authoritatively and convincingly about what makes for divine connection, we’d just draw the latest group of souls ready to embark on a new religion, and god knows what that does. It hasn’t ever produced real and raw and heartfelt experience of the divine.

W: I love this feeling Father, that ‘thee’ designated starting place is so simply where someone is at, because everyone is ‘at’ somewhere.

DF: And wherever they are at is a sacred life experience, even if it is one of say, boredom.

W: I always hated boredom big time Father.

DF: I know, so let’s go there then. Boredom is you having a human experience involving you being ‘at’ somewhere and having needs and desires involved in where you are ‘at.’ Boredom we could call a disconnect kind of experience, but you wouldn’t be having it unless you were an alive human, which is all sacred, so let’s don’t degrade boredom as an unspiritual experience.

W: Is this why I was always bored to death in Church as a kid?

DF: Well, It’s part of it. Let’s take this trail of thought and feeling and see where it takes us. People came up with the idea of dressing up children in fine clothes, sitting them down on benches and telling them it’s godly to pretend they are having a good time and to ‘behave’ themselves. Somehow they were supposed to be anything but bored, they were supposed to be keenly interested and excited and happy to be hearing a sermon. If only a kid could yell on the top of his lungs, drowning out the preacher ‘I’m bored as hell with all your bullshit preaching on heaven.’ That would change the mood in there wouldn’t it?

W: My god, wouldn’t it?

DF: That restless kid is having a very sacred and divine experience, right where he is at.

W: You’re talking about me Father aren’t you? I sat in church twice every Sunday from a week old on up.

DF: Yes, I’m talking about you. You sat in church with your culture trying to constrain you into a reverence for something, when the reverential thing was actually you – bored to tears, no less.

W: Feeling utterly disconnected.

DF: When in truth, you’re bored feelings were the direct result of you being an expression of the divine, with needs to run and play in abandon and fun…

W: What I’m feeling as you say that Father is how when I’m feeling bored or disconnected, even to this day, is that I have some ‘should’ voice running of how I should be different somehow from where I am actually at in the moment. Then in that, I disqualify myself from our connection until I somehow break out of that trance.

DF: Boredom and disconnect are great starting places to connect with the divine. Way more real and effective than the spiritual calisthenics people pretzel themselves through. Underneath boredom, you always find suppressed desire.

W: Okay, so tomorrow, if I’m bored when it’s time for our dialogue, I’m going to see if I could start there.

DF: See that, real spiritual growth Wayne.

W: Crazy simple.

DF: And way funner.

W: Thank you Divine Father for meeting me where I’m at today.

DF: Any time, Wayne. Any time at all.

 

Wayne Vriend is a healer and author of 90 Days With Yeshua. Visit soulfullheart.com for more information.

 

W: Help Father, I need your help.

DF: Sure thing Wayne, I’m here.

W: Well, it’s maybe not as urgent as I make it sound, but it is important and I do need help.

DF: What’s up?

W: Today, after a morning of cobbing, I was feeling a restless angst inside and had to feel into what it was. It didn’t take long to feel it as Tristan, the part of me who has held my contractor role in life, and who’s busy adjusting to such a simpler life, not earning money, in a new country and culture. I felt Tristan looking to you for guidance on how to be with the pain of letting go, as well as how to be with the restless feelings.

DF: Wow, Wayne, I’m glad you can feel what’s going on inside, instead of reaching for some medication to dull or mask the feelings, and then I’m glad you have Tristan, a part of you that you can honor for all that he has held, and can feel his growing pains, or maybe we should call them changing pains.

W: Thank you, Father. He’s mostly feeling wanting to learn how to be in this new way of life. He’d like to learn to be okay with our rustic lifestyle and especially our simple cobb construction, when for all of his life, he found new and improved ways of doing things that involved higher knowledge and better equipment and tools. It was a whole way of life, that provided a sense of worth and identity around that. Now that that’s eroding, and thawing out, and there is pain to be felt as the layers erode.

DF: What are the pains?

W: Well, instead of trying to describe them, I’ll just ask Tristan, who I think is up for speaking for himself.

Tristan: Hello Father.

DF: Hello Tristan, thanks for being up for talking. Can you say what the pains are?

T: Well, father, it’s about not having what used to make me feel good about myself.

DF: What was it that made you feel good about yourself?

T: For me, it was about pleasing people for sure, finding a need and meeting that need. Then it was about efficiency and learning better ways of meeting those needs and then I also got off on making ever increasing and often crazy amounts of money for it all.

DF: And most of that is gone now?

T: You mean the money?

DF: The money and all the goodies you just described…

T: Well, yes, the money is mostly gone now. We have about a years worth of really simple living if we watch it carefully. But the ability to go and find new jobs and earn a whack of money and buy new tools and all of that is over. It was such a big deal in Wayne’s life and it capped off other desires and callings in Wayne’s life I’m afraid too.

DF: How do you feel about that part, the capping you mention?

T: Well, sorry, I start with ‘well’ a lot don’t I? Well, I feel sorry. It took all the space or most of the space, and if Wayne hadn’t chosen this big life change, I’m afraid I’d still be taking a whole bunch too much space.

DF: I like the space you are taking now Tristan, talking to me, talking to Wayne, feeling the thaw of the layers of the old you letting go. I’m sorry that you feel you took too much space. My sense is that you were the best thing Wayne had going for a long time, you were needed, it couldn’t really have been any other way, and now, you are sensitive to, and living into the change. What deep regret is there in that?

T: Maybe the only regret is father is that I don’t feel as good about myself as much as I’d like to. I mean, I’d like to be okay with how our days have so much space and choice. There isn’t any more of ‘having to go to work.’ And sometimes that’s hard for me. Work made me feel good about myself.

DF: It’s so natural Tristan that you are having withdrawal feelings. If you can feel them like you are, then they aren’t cumbersome, or dark, they just are the sweet process of you feeling yourself, and being felt by Wayne, as well as me anytime you’d like.

T: That works for me, Father.

DF: Tristan, let me tell you, if you are willing to ride this process out and be with the feelings that come up, I can assure you that there is plenty of good feelings to be had about yourself. The difference is that they won’t be hiding any bad feelings about your self. You will do what you enjoy to do, simply for the fun of it, not to overcome any feelings about yourself that you don’t like.

T: I’d really like to be in that Father.

DF: Well, see that Tristan, I like starting out with ‘well’ too. Well, as I was saying, then so you shall, Tristan, so you shall. Some things in life just need time to live into the new way. It doesn’t take forever, but it does take some time to undo a deeply entrenched way of living, and make room for the arising new one. I’d say you’re right on track.

T: Thank you again Father.

DF: You’re so welcome, Tristan.

Wayne: Thank you, Father.

DF: You’re welcome, Wayne.

W: Father, I hope people can feel how I am with my parts and not write it off as some imagined thing, some therapeutic method.

DF: I hope they don’t either, because then that puts me out of the picture pretty much too. If people are not able to see and feel a larger context to life, a larger reality than the prevailing one, the safe one, then they are pretty much destined to live in the old one till that changes.

W: If it ever changes…

DF: Oh, it will change, eventually. You can be sure of that. The most difficult change though is being an early adopter of a new emerging story of life in the way that you are with your parts Wayne. There is many though who are ready and able to feel it through you, and are drawn to it, and are ready to embrace it as their truth as well.

W: What do I need to do to connect with them?

DF: Just keep living what you are living. Being this way is what etches it into the grids and makes it possible for others to find it in the soularium. This doesn’t need any of the old marketing energy to find it’s groove.

W: Thank you Father for helping me feel my way through a big piece today. I feel a bunch lighter.

DF: I’m glad you did. If you didn’t have issues Wayne, we wouldn’t have connected. Maybe one day, I’ll bring up my issues.

W: You’ve got issues too. Cool. Makes me feel better.

DF: I’m serious Wayne. I’m sure they will come up as we go keep on. Where did people get the idea that god wouldn’t have issues?

W: I suspect that it came from people trying to hide their issues, so they made a god who happened to be free of issues.

DF: Exactly.

W: Thanks again Father,

DF: You’re welcome, Wayne.

 

Wayne Vriend is a healer and author of 90 Days With Yeshua. Visit soulfullheart.com for more information.

 

W: Hello Divine Father.

DF: Hello Wayne.

W: I didn’t have any sense come to me yet for where I wanted to go with you today, but I just wanted to connect and see what comes.

DF: Works for me, Wayne…

W: It’s great when a need is up and a desire is moving through me as a place to connect, but I’d like to feel I can connect with you any old time, like I don’t need to be primed or anything. In that, I hope others reading will feel how they can act on their own connection with you, right from where they’re at.

DF: Yes, there’s no secret formula, or special enlightenment attainment for someone to brag about. If there is anything that resembles a qualification around connecting with me, it’s no different than what makes for connecting with anyone else. Any relationship connection happens by desire and need, willingness to ask for what you want, or to share what you appreciate. That’s pretty much it.

Oh, maybe I’d add to that, ‘get real’ of course. How did people ever get convinced that masking their true feelings would make for a connection? That is the garden variety stuff of disconnection that we see so prevalent in relationships today.

W: I think the ‘get real’ qualification might come first, Father.

DF: Yeah, you’re right Wayne, because if you can’t feel a need or desire, or an appreciation to get started with, and instead, you are feeling flat, or hostile, all you can start with is the truth. Starting with the truth, something like “I’m not sure I like you and this is why,” or a “I’m so pissed, I want to tell you to fuck off” is actually relational, if you’re heart is seeking a response.

W: You asked ‘how did people ever get convinced that masking their true feelings would make for a connection?’ I’d like to know more about that because I’d say I spent a good part of my life relating to god and others in that territory, and can still find myself needing to pause, back up and get back to real at times.

DF: Now that is a really awesome question, that evidences that you are indeed on a quest, never ending learning and all of that. Why do people pretend? Near as I can tell, it’s simply fear of loss. People are afraid of losing love, or worse, getting disapproval from an other, that they will put forward feelings and energy and words and even a persona that isn’t them at all.

Sounds like in that though, it proves we are meant for love, and that love is native to us and so we go to these crazy lengths to try and have it.

Such crazy lengths in fact, that the person even convinces themselves and many around them that the growing false persona that they have put forward is in fact them, and not the stand-in that it is. This is the world of the false self.

W: How could someone be able to tell the difference between their false self doing the moment as compared to their authentic self?

DF: More good questions, Wayne. Thank you. Nothing makes for a deepening conversation than a heart open and hungry questioner. I think this one is really easy to feel and see the difference if someone is willing to be real with themselves. My truth is that whenever someone is operating from their false self, their needs are not being met. In other words, they aren’t being nourished. There is no joy or fulfillment in the relating. Often, it’s just a sense of duty or obligation that is providing the momentum in the relationship. This is the biggest killer for most people’s relationship with God, and with anyone else. Being devout towards God is the biggest lie there is, because there is always underneath the devotion unspoken and often unfelt anger and hurt towards God.

W: I can feel myself for so long in my past in the way under-nourished department in my relationship with god and others. I wished I was more attuned then to the under nourishment.

DF: What would you have done if you could have figured this one out sooner?

W: Well, I imagine I’d have found what I have with you now a lot sooner, and that would have meant for more nourishment and meaning with others sooner as well, and less suffering.

DF: While that’s true on one level, and ending suffering is the desire of the universe Wayne, the universe also knows that people need the time they need to be able to live their way to knowing and feeling the differences we’re talking about. Whether someone is on the side of not having this nourishment or having it deeply, both are an equally sacred human experience of coming-to-know. It’s the experience of not having that makes the having so sweet and treasured.

W: And the having is what actually melts away all the regret and sorrow over the not having.

DF: Exactly.

W: Christopher shared a piece of journaling today about feeling his past with men, and how much posturing there was around the guys, and how tender it felt to have what we have now in comparison, and then he felt it way deeper still, feeling how a part of him feared losing that with me if more men join in our connection. That he could find and feel that real and underlying vulnerability and bring it with tears is a gift that is still moving through me. That is nourishment.

DF: And you only know it when you know it. The pearl of great price.

W: And then you go and sell all that you have and go out and buy the field that pearl is contained in, if I remember that parable correctly.

DF: Yes, that’s it. I’d add to that: Or you don’t. Instead you remain in your predictable routine, your hiding, your suffering, while the universe aches with the ache you can’t yet feel and supports you to arrive eventually at your sovereign choice one fine day.

W: Father, it feels like all of manhood is aching for every man to grow in this way. That any man who takes any step in this growth is taking a step actually for all men.

DF: Yes, this is the real and true and deep ground of a man being a true man, in his real life, in his real relationships. Everything that is needed for his personal epic drama is in place. That his life looks so normal, so lackluster, so empty possibly, is all just contrasting backdrop to this epic story of the search for realness and nourishment that the universe supports him to reach out for and find and be forever changed. Hopefully, if the price and lesson is deep enough, he will never again return to the false world of pretense of going without for very long, and if he does, he can readily feel the difference and choose again.

W: I like feeling this feeling Father, I mean much of my waking consciousness feels normal and ordinary to me. To be able to feel my life as being this deep in love, and my own unfolding divinity and journey colors my feelings of myself.

DF: Crayola, 64 pack, man! Yes. Color in and out of the lines.

W: Thank you Father, You tired me out again.

DF: I thought I fired you up.

W: Well, you did, and then that needs time and life and rest to digest.

DF: So it does, Wayne.

W: Thank you Father.

 

Wayne Vriend is a healer and author of 90 Days With Yeshua. Visit soulfullheart.com for more information.

 

W: Hey Divine Father, I’d like to connect again, I’m feeling some kind of an ache inside of me today and I think it has to do with where we left off yesterday.

DF: Sure, Wayne. Say more.

W: Well, I’ve been feeling it all day today as a background wanting of something. When I check in with the feeling, it comes up as dissatisfaction, a wanting of something that I don’t have, and then the feeling goes to imagining what it would be like to have a momentum of new people and new intimacy in our lives.

DF: Okay…

W: But then, I, or some part of me, wonders if I’m resisting letting in the goodness that I have right now, by looking outward for something else. Appreciating what I have always feels like an area that I can grow more in.

DF: So, why don’t we try something?

W: Okay.

DF: Let’s put the question of whether you need to just learn to be happy with what you have aside for a moment, if that’s okay.

W: I’m okay with that.

DF: Good. Now, I want you to feel and say more about what, what did you call it? ‘a momentum of new people and new intimacy in your life.’ Imagine that, feel that, and see if you can put picture and feeling words around it.

W: Well, it’s an exciting feeling of being wanted by others, who we are as well as the life we’ve chosen, people like us wanting to be around us, to create something more that we and they, can’t create on our own. It’s deeply sharing the choices of ‘where to live’ and ‘how to live’ together in relationship. Somehow, it’s the opposite of the separate self our society has engendered who perceives they don’t need anyone or anything to large degree.

DF: Don’t stop for me.

W: Okay, what else? It’s feeling life together, all of life, needs for security, food, shelter, sex, culture. All of that takes on a new dimension when you add one more person, and it loses a dimension when you lose a person. I recall being single and how momentously my life changed to not just have someone new in my life, but to give myself fully to that intimacy. Life went to places, and fulfillments along with challenges that I hadn’t dreamed of. Well, actually, I had let myself do some dreaming, but the reality was still way beyond that, and still is.

DF: Wayne, when you feel this in light of mate ache, that growing ache a single person feels that moves them and the universe to manifest their mate, why wouldn’t that also be true around larger community?

W: So you’re saying I’m feeling something natural?

DF: Couldn’t be more natural if you ask me.

W: I am asking you.

DF: Wayne, I like that you hold the question of where your dissatisfaction is coming from, if this is just something that you need to find deeper fulfillment with what you have now. But to me, it isn’t what’s real and alive here. You have found and lived your way into something truly alive and real and it couldn’t be any other way than for there to be an arising dissatisfaction with keeping it to yourselves. You’re meant to feel a missing, an ache for something that isn’t here yet.

W: That feels true.

DF: Wayne, it is true. Something alive that isn’t shared dies. Not that death itself is so bad, but this something dies before it’s time, triggering an ache and a sorrow for what could have been, but wasn’t, in the hopes that it will manifest next time around.

W: I got to tell you a story, father.

DF: Okay. Please do.

W: Yesterday, just before bedtime Father, there was this swarm of bugs outside and so we closed the shutters to keep them out of the house. I took a walk outside to see what was up and to my shock, it looked like the house was on fire with the thick swarms of bugs hovering all over the red tile roof. It came up in minutes, a kind of bug I hadn’t noticed before. We just had like our first week of the rainy season and of course that had everything to do with it. We were first a bit scared as well as annoyed, but as I felt into what message might there be in this, I felt some things.

DF: Such as…

W: Well, here was this little army of bugs, suddenly born out onto the scene of life, previously only existing in potential form and completely off the radar (of us humans at least). I was told they were termites, they had 4 wings, which I they seemed to shed and go to a wingless life…because the ground was littered with wings and the bugs were later crawling instead of flying. Then everything went back to normal overnight and we had a big house cleaning session this morning. All of that speaks of deep and sudden transformation. It existed first in potential larvae form, then baking in the clay tile ovens of the roof tiles and the dry season for who knows how long, then life takes a turn and voila. It was hard to think of anything else. A new time had come. And it felt like the universe was wanting us to feel the potential for sudden change, even as we have been holding and desiring that. The change feels related to the expansion of community.

DF: Wow, Wayne, nature itself showed you the naturalness of deep and sudden transformation. First, it existed in potential and hidden form, ‘baking’ until the cake was ready, and boom, all of life suspends, as a birthing takes place, chaos and then an integrating of that birthing. The insects are powerful totems wanting you to feel with them, and them wanting to feel with you, the energy that the universe is pulsing with, and how it resonates in both you and them.

W: So could community come out of the woodwork that quickly?

DF: It’s a native to the universe desire Wayne, that you are feeling and so are the many others who are drawn to and ache for community. Also, you are entering a time where the old story of separation and independence is crumbling fast. For many like you and others, it’s well beyond crumbling, and the pillars have caved in. You will soon see a surprising coming together of likeminded hearts and souls very ready to explore what a relationship might look like.

W: Wow, I wonder if all of me is ready to feel that. I mean, it’s been so long of not having that, trying to learn to live and be fulfilled without it.

DF: I get the challenge Wayne in that, but all you need to do is feel your desires, as well as what it feels like to try and keep the lid on these desires and I think it deeply and feelingly answers your questions. A new time is coming, and you are actually getting ready for it, fast.

W: Okay, I want to let in those words and feelings Father.

DF: Yes, you worked hard to choose and to be with the comparative isolation of the past. That was the baking of the potential into the cake of what is manifesting soon. I mean, you don’t need to believe me, just take note of what comes next as it does, and remember us feeling all this together. You’ll need that when the chaos shows up.

W: But a good kind of chaos…

DF: The kind you wanted for a very log time, Wayne, more than just this lifetime. And the kind that life and the universe has been preparing you for, for a long time.

W: Thanks again so much, Father.

DF: You are Welcome, Wayne.

 

Wayne Vriend is a healer and author of 90 Days With Yeshua. Visit soulfullheart.com for more information.

W:  Hello Divine Father.

DF: Hey Wayne…

W: I just did a bunch of painting today, the first time in 9 months. I should let the readers know that I retired last year from 30 plus years of self employment as a painting contractor, and today was painting for another couple here at the ranch. I’d like to digest some feelings that came up for me around that, as well as dig some deeper to feel some things that I suspect are off my radar that are wanting to come up to be felt.

DF: Sounds good, let’s go there, Wayne. What did you feel so far?

W: Well, as I got painting, I felt the old familiar mind space start to settle in around estimating how long it would take to complete tasks, then trying to strategize things. I felt a part of me dig in, and try to focus and crank it out. Now, today was all way more relaxed from where I used to be in this, but it was enough of an energetic feeling reminder to put me right back to the feeling space of where I lived and breathed for so long. Productivity was definitely a drug for a part of me, so much so, that I really just was this part of me, most of the time, in the work domain of my life. Then there was all of just the right tools for the task, with tons of options. Today, I used borrowed everything, and it was a stark contrast to how things would have looked and felt a few years ago.

DF: So what feelings came up for you so far?

W: So far, I have this feeling of ‘who was I?’ during this evolving era of my life. The feeling behind the question is one something of a mourning for lost opportunity. What wasn’t in my consciousness and heart that could have been during this time? I felt locked into so much linearity around logistics; the drive to get ahead always dictating; money demands always rising to match or exceed the increased income.

DF: Wayne, I think you need to start with feeling that every bit of that ground and all that it entailed, so many settings and experiences and relationships that were all intertwined, all of it was and is sacred. That’s really important to feel. Feeling the difference in your consciousness today and comparing it to the past does not mean that the past was any less sacred or the present any more sacred. And the future won’t be any more sacred either, with whatever growths you attain to.

W: Wow, when I feel that, that I can’t get to anything more sacred, and never could actually, then in some way, I’ve arrived already to the destination of my life pilgrimage you could say.

DF: Yes, you are as loved, and held, and valued as you will ever be, as you are now. Nothing you do, or feel for that matter, can increase or decrease that. You actually arrived before you began.

W: Which of course begs the question, ‘What’s the point of the journey then?’

DF: Can you feel into the answer to that?

W: When I feel it Father, it feels to me like the point of the journey is to come deeper and deeper into the knowing and feeling this self love, this divine love, to let it in, to let it color my waking and sleeping experience, to let it flow through me relationally with my parts and with others. As I say that, I feel how this is really Tristan, the part of me who held my contractor reality, who is holding this inquiry today.

DF: Thank you for feeling Tristan in this Wayne. Let’s feel it from Tristan’s reality. He held and did a bunch of your life for a long time. He was the best thing you had going, when there wasn’t the you that is here now to lead. He needs to be honoured for that. And what you said Wayne, about letting in the love, that has to go into every part of your being. It’s not just some soul part of you that gets to find deeper context and meaning and fulfillment, but every part of you that needs and wants to share in it for it to be real and wholesome.

W: That jives with what you said about all of life being already sacred. I mean, if the journey is not about attaining the sacred, or connection with god, because that’s already true, then that truth flooding my entire being is the only point or goal that’s left.

DF: I wished I had a heavenly choir to echo that feeling back to you in words and song and a thousand voices. Yes, yes and yes, Wayne. Letting in this love is all that’s left.

W: It feels so rich and deep father, so good to feel this.

DF: And Wayne, you only get to feel this by being human. It is your humanity that craves love and security, and meaning and being seen as unique, and connected to all love.

W: So what then of my feeling of mourning the me who couldn’t feel this goodness that I feel now?

DF: Mourning is feeling what could have been, but wasn’t. Mourning is realizing   you had something, but didn’t know it. Mourning is what makes room for deep change and growth. There was more love to be had and you, or part of you missed out on it. Part of you suffered in it’s absence, and attached to other things like productivity, linearity, and self image in order to medicate over the missing.

W: So I hear you validating deep change and growth, inside of the reality that I can’t get anymore connected to god than I already am.

DF: Yes, and if you can fast forward to the future and know there will be more mourning of what was, and what wasn’t, in this way that we’re feeling together, because mourning always lets in deep growth and change. Sorrow and joy. Sorrow and joy.

W: I can feel myself almost full up for today.

DF: I’ll bet. Celebrate Tristan Wayne, as you feel the mourning moving him and make ready for new levels of joy and connection.

W: Thank you Father, I will.

 

Wayne Vriend is a healer and author of 90 Days With Yeshua. Visit soulfullheart.com for more information.

W: Hello Divine Father.

DF: Hello Wayne. Where would you like to go today?

W: I feel I’d like to talk about intimacy. Yesterday with you was so intimate, and I’m still letting that in. The heart space I live in every day with Jillian and Christopher is more intimate than I’ve ever known, being without most of the distractions from intimacy that so many people’s lifestyle has. And intimacy comes up for me as I’m digesting some recent contact these past couple days from people within the intense group in which Jillian and I met and were a part of 7 years ago.

DF: Let’s talk about intimacy then, and see if we can feel it as we talk about it. What comes for me Wayne, as I open my heart again to you and our dialogue, if you don’t me saying is that what you are really wanting is to feel intimate on some level, and maybe trying to get there by talking mentally about it.

W: That feels true Father, and no, I don’t mind you saying.

DF: Can you feel then the level that you are seeking intimacy, cuz, as you say, you live in it with Jillian and Christopher, and as I know, your parts as well.

W: I feel I still hunger for more intimacy with a growing circle of people who also want and value intimacy. This off-grid lifestyle we’ve chosen is the most off-grid in it’s sense of heart and intimacy. I don’t know of any other group or couple who lives in what we live in.

DF: So more numbers would make it more bearable then?

W: Truth is Father, I think I do think that way a lot of the time and I’m not sure it’s true. I mean, would more intimacy fill this longing I still seem to be carrying? What if more intimacy with more people ended up being a whole lot more difficult on some level?

DF: It’s one of those things again Wayne, that we can’t know till we do. Can you let this longing simply speak it’s words and truth right now? Can you find it’s voice?

W: Thank you Father, I feel you feeling me. I’ll try to feel into this longing and it’s voice right now, as you say.

It says: I want to know and be known. I want the freedom of not hiding my real self, and the joy of not having to live without knowing others real selves. I want my pains to be soothed by knowing and feeling the real pains of others. I want to really know and feel my joy by being around others embracing and living in their joy. I want to be around people who admit the roles they’ve become captive to, heal what’s underneath that role, and let more of them out to truly play.

DF: Hey, great access, Wayne. I admire your willingness to just feel and write.

W: Thank you.

DF: That’s you being intimate with you. Intimacy must start there.

W: Where does it go from there, or where does it need to go?

DF: Let’s put the question this way: Where does the intimacy want to go?

W: Good call.

DF: I’ll say. Everything the voice of your longing said was an ‘I want.’ A good healed and working wanter is what’s needed here, and that you have in spades Wayne.

W: So where does intimacy want to go?

DF: See what I mean, Mr. Impatient Wanter?

Where the intimacy wants to go is of course into more. Intimacy, though it fulfills so deeply is never fully satisfied. It always wants more.

W: Kind of like really good sex, and you think you’re good for a week.

DF: Exactly, 48 hours later and whose all up in a dither? This is about the willingness to live in and bear desire, appetite, wanting. It’s what really being alive is about. Wayne, most folks want a spirituality that will moderate their desire nature, keep it in bounds because this aspect of being fully alive is what takes the balls. Anyone can fuck. But few can feel all that’s to be surrendered to in fucking. Intimacy of heart and soul is no different than body talk. There’s one night stands, friends with benefits and then there’s true lovers. True lovers surrender to the vulnerability of their inflamed desire and wanter that calls them to bear love, to take it to the next level. And what makes it so hot is the risk that both take to keep it alive.

W: This is so true. How many people father have been okay with living without love, real love on all these levels? I want that with more people. I’ll keep the sex between Jillian and I, but the raw, heart open in-to-me-see, I want more of that with more people.

DF: There’s your wanter talking out loud again, Wayne. I love it. And I thank you for being so free to say it. The words of your mouth and the desire of your heart is what is manifesting. Intimacy is begotten by desire that is owned inwardly and spoken outwardly. You’ve got yourself a heart-on!

W: J , Pardon me…

DF: No, don’t hide this one. Be proud of it. Let it out in fact for the world to see.

W: I mean really, what about the pearls before swine thing, Father?

DF: Okay, let’s go there as well. Intimacy is a two way street. Someone has to cross the space and ask for it in some way, shape or form, or it never happens. That involves your heart on your sleeve.

W: I’m reminded of the words:

I can’t know you unless you reveal yourself to me.

You won’t reveal yourself to me unless you trust me.

You can’t trust me unless you know me.

       You won’t know me unless I reveal myself to you.

I get that Father, it must begin with me, which is really cool, because I can act on what I want.

DF: Totally! And now is where the pearls before swine comes in. When you are that willing to be that open, showing off your heart-on proudly I might add, that’s when the other needs to show up for their part with a mutuality. And that’s where healthy protection of your own heart comes in, after you’ve led with revealing yourself to an other, your real self.

And hopefully, you’ve been drawn to people who are open and hungry and at a similar place as you ready to open up, so you won’t have to wade through too many swine, because you’ve been willing to fully bake in your desire and ache for more.

W: Okay, you nailed it, that’s what I want.

DF: Which answers your earlier question about whether more intimacy with more people is what you really want doesn’t it?

W: It does Father, I do want that. I really do. I want to fully embrace that desire, own it, and live in it and be responsive to it, to lead with it, that heart-on as you like to call it. It feels so much better to just admit this, let alone experience another person to share it with.

DF: True, true, because it’s all intimacy. In this case, it’s in-to-you-see, which leads to more in-to-me-see, in a really cool dance. And I think you’re ready for it Wayne, so again, don’t fall off your chair when it shows up.

W: Yeah, don’t want to sprain my heart-on.

DF: Exactly!

Wayne Vriend is a healer and author of 90 Days With Yeshua. Visit soulfullheart.com for more information.