By Cristian Tydeman

When I was a kid, my birthday was a day in which, for one 24 hour period, I was the star.  I took center stage and everyone else was my supporting cast.  It felt good to be recognized and acknowledged for just being me.  So much so, that I remember telling people it was my birthday, just to receive those accolades.  A cheesy grin would be painted on my face.  “If it could only be like that every day, for everyone,” says my young Christopher part.  Words of angelic desire, from the lips of a child.

As I got older, the feeling around my birthday was that it was “just another day”.  I appreciated the phone calls, the cards, and the gifts, but somehow the magic just wasn’t there anymore.  Or I just couldn’t let it in.  The focus of the birthday became the number and not the pats on the back and the sweet cards from my daughter.  Somewhere along the way, I didn’t feel I was worth it.  Or at least a part of me didn’t.

This is hitting me pretty hard in the moment.  This feeling that, out of all the days during my life, a part of me couldn’t let in love for that ONE day.  A part of me couldn’t enjoy the beauty and joy around him.  The same letting in that I allowed as a child.  I had become desensitized to my own heart.

But this birthday was different than any other.  Today I let in the love from those that I love the most.  So much so, I found myself crying in the middle of my classroom as I read emails from my new SoulFullHeart family.  My young Christopher, wanting so desperately to be with them and eat cake and ice cream and be sung to.  “No gifts, Cristian, just love, please,” is the only thing he can say with tears in his eyes.

The tears are of longing and ache to be there with them, but also of letting go.  Letting go of the family he used to spend his birthdays with.  The birth family where the birthday memories began.  Yeah, we got cards and a gift from them.  There is love behind them that we acknowledge and are grateful for.  But it is not the “love” that neither I nor he desire.  It is a “love” for an old me.  The sentiment being sent was that “no matter who you are we still love you.”  It seems like a sweet gesture, but that is not good enough anymore.  I am not swayed by guilt anymore.  I want a family who will feel me AND my parts. I want a family who will shower my young Christopher with love and praise.  I want a family who will lovingly challenge us without the bite of criticism, judgment, or faithlessness.  I want a family who I have a common ground with.  A family we can learn from and respect by their own example.  I choose a SoulFullHeart family.

I am grateful for all my birth family provided for me.  They are why I am here, becoming who I am.  I drew them for a reason, and my time with them has been completed, at least for the short term.  If they so choose to go into their own hearts, and heal their own shadow, I would be there greeting them with open arms.  Until then, this may be my last birthday in contact with them.  Hence, the tears.

On the flip side, there is newness.  A re-birth, if you will.  The uncovering and discovering of the REAL me.  The ME that has been repressed and suppressed for far too long.  The ME that is the head of this household I call my SFH Self.  The ME that is the space-holder and lover of all my parts, especially my dearest Christopher.  They have a new father to lean into.  A new family to be supported and guided by.  As for me, I have a new love blossoming and a new NOW to create with her.  I have a rekindled love affair with the Divine in all Her beauty and grace.

Hello everyone.  Today is my first birthday and my name is Cristian.

Note from Jillian: I made this photo collage for Cristian to celebrate the day of his birth and his emerging birth into himself. Seemed appropriate for this post.:)