Day 21

You are so used to running the show, Simon.  You have planned, surveyed, discerned, and taken action based on an old way of reacting to that fear, the old way of resisting life and love.  Your family is a ball of unfelt existential anxiety.  You were steeped in that religion, that way of life.  Of course you are going to feel this!  If you didn’t you would be medicating, and I don’t allow you to do that.

Christopher:  Good morning, Simon.

Simon:  Morning, Christopher.

C:  You feel more rested this morning.

S:  I do.  That pillow you bought is awesome!

C:  Tell me about it.  Does that justify the cost?

S:  Yeah, it does.  I got a little locked up around that yesterday.

C:  That was the most we spent in one day in a while.

S:  Yeah.  Thanks for holding me in my breakdown last night.

C:  Would you like to tell the readers what happened?

S:  Not really.

C:  Mind if I do?

S:  Sure.  You are better at that and it feels good to me for you to lead anyway.

C:  Okay.  Thanks, Simon.  So after spending the day spending money, I could feel Simon up quite a bit.  I felt close to fused, in that I didn’t have enough of me to journal about it.  But I had enough of me to put on some music that Jillian gave to me last year that evokes the heart of the Mother.  While cooking dinner, Simon felt Her love coming through the speakers and starting crying.  Would you like to tell me and them what the tears were about Simon?

S:  I just felt fear coming to the surface.  Fear of destitution and misery.  I could feel a past life where I was homeless and alone.  Hungry and afraid.  I fret about money because it triggers that experience.

C:  Do you feel I would draw that again if I am in the Trust of Divine Love?

S:  I did not feel that last night, no.  I could feel how my fear actually blocks that love.

C:  This touches on something that Jillian brought about existential death.

S:  I don’t really understand what that is really, but it sounds horrible.

C:  It does, but it feels like it is inherent in all of us.  A fear of not existing seems to run through the soul of humanity.  This could be made manifest in your fear of destitution.  It is a fear of not existing at all.  Disappearing.

S:  I don’t feel I have gotten there yet, but I can feel what you are saying just a little.

C:  You are so used to running the show, Simon.  You have planned, surveyed, discerned, and taken action based on an old way of reacting to that fear, the old way of resisting life and love.  Your family is a ball of unfelt existential anxiety.  You were steeped in that religion, that way of life.  Of course you are going to feel this!  If you didn’t you would be medicating, and I don’t allow you to do that.  Well, at least for the long term.

S:  Wow.  That feels so true!  The closer we get to this “new” life the more I am going to feel that I guess.

C:  And that is a good thing, Simon!  We get to go through that together and with Jillian, Wayne, and Kathleen.  The death part is a transformation, an opening to real love from a source we have been separate from for too long.  It is our time to get back to this abundant love and spread it to the four corners.

S:  I feel your soul in that statement.  That is a lot to take in for me right now.

C:  I get that, but I also want you feel how there is something for us to lean into that is infinite and unending.  Like a pillow that is even better than the one I bought.  We can rest our head onto it anytime we like and it will support us and hold us when things get scary.

S:  Thank you so much, Christopher.  That is a cool analogy. I wish to take it in more.

C:  I do too.  Feels conceptual to you in the moment, and thus me, but my heart tells me that this is true.  Not through knowing, but through experiencing the feeling of Mother’s Love.

S:  I feel better in the moment but I realize that this will come up again.

C: …and again and again.  And the more I am able to hold you and feel you, the more you will begin to trust in me.  You don’t have to trust life, just trust me.

S:  I just got that deja vu feeling again and I went back to some recent blogs.  This is still coming up for me even after all the kind words and feeling spaces.  Shouldn’t some of this have moved by now? Isn’t this boring to those reading?

C:  We can’t know the extent of your wounding, Simon.  It could be mountainous.  It could be hilly.  What I care about it that you keep talking to me and letting me in.  I don’t care if we go through this for the next year as long as you are feeling held and felt.  If the readers get bored, then so be it.   This is for us, number one.  Number two is for the SoulFullHeart family.  Last is for those who are actually getting something or will eventually get something from it.  The rest will fall away.

S:  Okay.  Thanks again, Christopher.  I have to take into account all of this has just started shifting within the last two weeks plus.

C:  Yes!  Exactly.  I can also feel you feeling Jillian, Wayne, and Kathleen’s experiences as if they were your own.  Walking in their shoes, sort of speak.

S:  That does add quite a bit to my plate.  Feels like a mechanism of my caretaking.

C:  That feels true.  That is what your mother did.  Took on other people’s situations and then fretted about them.  I don’t feel you fretting about them though, Simon.  I just feel you taking it all in.  You sure as hell know they don’t need to be care taken around all that.

S:  I know.  I guess I just feel people’s stuff more than I am conscious of.

C:  That is what makes you a SoulFullHeart, Simon.  : )

S:  Really?  Hmmm…I guess so.  I never realized that.

C:  You have.  You just forgot.  And I will keep reminding you.

S:  This was a lot today, but I feel it going in.  Thank you, Christopher.  We may be having this same conversation tomorrow.

C:  And I will be here again…

S:  …and again and again…

C:  Yes.  I love you, Simon.

S:  I love you too, Christopher.  And I don’t care what people think about that.

C:  My heart is happy to hear that.  Rest today Simon.  Take a day off.

S:  That sounds awesome.  Talk to you tomorrow.

C:  : )

 My name is Christopher Tydeman and I’ve been embracing the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life since March, 2012. I am a SoulFullHeart facilitator-in-training, author on this blog, and I hosted the SoulFullHeart Experience Radio Show. I was invited by Jillian and Wayne Vriend, co-creators of SoulFullHeart, to begin my own 90 day outing. In the next 90 days, I will be vulnerably sharing my SoulFullHeart process publicly. It will include journaling from one or more of my parts, my daemon, the Divine Mother, or all of them in one big group love fest. You will meet Simon, who is my self-image part or prime monarch; Nathaniel, who is an aspect of my Daemon; Angela, who is my newly arising feminine part; and Peter, who is my magical child. I will not be sharing anything they do not want to share, or I may process with them until they feel comfortable. This is a healing crucible for me, but also a look into the inner world of this way of life called SoulFullHeart. Visit soulfullheart.com for more about the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life.