I feel like this is the time of year that gave me an opportunity to get love anyway I could and gift giving was one of them.  We were all looking to do that.  Christmas was like one big unworthiness orgy.  Then we could punish ourselves more for all the money we spent on alleviating our unworthiness.

Day 29

Christopher:  Hello, everyone.  I felt drawn to address all of you this afternoon.  Another roundtable team meeting.

SImon:  Is this like a staff meeting, cuz if it is I’m outta here?  I had enough of those teaching.

C:  No Simon.  I just wanted to feel all my parts around this time of year.  I was moved by Jillian’s blog today and wanted to feel some triggers and joy around the holidays.  I am glad you spoke up, Simon.  I have felt some annoyance with the holidays.  Would you care to share?

S:  I tend to get wrapped up in the gift thing.  Ha!  That was funny.  Get it?

C:  Yes, Simon.  That was good.  What about the gift thing?

S:  I guess I have always been stressed around getting someone a gift they like.  I feel like I have an image around it.  Did I “hit a home run”?  Do they feel I am a good gift finder?  Did I get them enough?  Am I being balanced?  Did I spend enough? Oh, for God’s sakes what is wrong with me?  These are people that love me and just want me for me, not for what I give them for a gift.  I used to fucking hate this!  Looking for acceptance by gift giving.  I feel I used to rail against it as commercialism, which is still true, but it was a truth in service to the stress of feeling my own pressure.

C:  Wow, Simon.  Right on, man.  I feel some juice in this.  I feel I fused with you a bit around this and should have done more checking with you before going out.  Did you feel that this year?

S:  Not as much.  I enjoyed going out with Kathleen and Raianna.  It is just this old shit that followed me around.  Feels like the dregs of an old punishing voice.

C:  That was intuitive, Simon.  What would you like to say to this voice?

S:  Leave me the fuck alone!   I am not a part of the old conditioning anymore.  I have a family that loves me for me and I don’t need to impress any of them to be given love.

C:  Amen, brother!  Can we still love this voice though?  This voice feels like it was there to make sure you got love, Simon, the only way it knew how.

S:  Yeah, I can feel that.  I’m sorry.  It is true.  Had I had SoulFullHeart at that time I would have been able to feel that part of me.  A part of a part.  Is this possible?

C:  I haven’t the faintest clue.  It feels like as I am growing more, you are as well.  Leaving some old things behind.  Getting separation from the old life.  Feels like it could be Marcus.  Is that you, Marcus?

Marcus:  Hi, Christopher.

C:  It has been a while, Marcus.  What is going on, my friend?

M:  I feel like this is the time of year that gave me an opportunity to get love anyway I could and gift giving was one of them.  We were all looking to do that.  Christmas was like one big unworthiness orgy.  Then we could punish ourselves more for all the money we spent on alleviating our unworthiness.

C:  What would you have liked Christmas to be like, Marcus?

M:  I guess just to have people get together and share our love for each other.  Eat good food, tell stories, play games, watch movies, and maybe exchange a gift or two, nothing fancy.

C:  That sounds like a SoulFullHeart Christmas to me.

M:  Yeah, I guess it does.  I feel like I was projecting some old family conditioning when we were shopping.  I am sorry, Simon.

S:  Thanks, Marcus.  I am sorry I said leave me the fuck alone.  That was just backed up frustration of all those years.

M:  I get it.  Believe me.  Thank you, Simon.  There is a better way to hold gift giving and that should be done by Christopher.

S:  Agreed!

C:  I should have held that more and I apologize as well.  I feel that gifts are from the heart and if we are not in our hearts then the gift is just a false token of love.  We are energetically passing on unworthiness and that is held in the gift itself.  If we really looked with our heart-eyes, we would see everyone handing each other piles of shit and saying thank you for it.  That is not what the holidays are about.  How do you feel about this, Nathaniel?

Nathaniel:  I couldn’t have said it better myself.  I have always been irritated by this Christmas thing.  The false social structure, the false religious foundation, the false relationship to the Divine.  It is maddening to really let it in.  But I appreciate the way you are bringing this, Christopher.  The way SoulFullHeart holds this time of year.  Your magical children set the tone of this season and let it be what it truly is.

C:  And that is?

N:  About joy, magic, peace, and love.

C:  You sound like a hippie.

N:  Right on, man.

C:  Now THAT was funny!  Good to feel your sense of humour after what you said.

N:  I am getting that without some light, this world would be way too dark.  Even a daemon needs balance.

C:  Amen.  How about you, Angela.  How are the holidays for you?

Angela:  It is about singing, and dancing, and being creative.  I like making gifts!  So much funner.

C:  We had some fun today creating, didn’t we?

A:  Yes, we did.  I can’t wait to show everyone!

C:  Me too, Angela.  And of course I can’t forget you Peter!

Peter:  Christmas is about snow!!!!  That was soooo coool!  I want to play in it again! Can we? Can we?

C:  Of course!  If it sticks around.  What else is Christmas about?

P:  Cookies!  Lots and lots of cookies!

C:  Hahaha!  Okay, we will make cookies.

P:  It is also about being nice to people and not being so serious.  Too many grumpy bunnies out there.  I don’t like that.

C:  I feel we can all agree on that.  Thanks for reminding us Peter about having fun.

P:  You’re welcome, Santa Christopoopoo.

C:  I love you, Peter.

P:  I love you too, silly.

C:  Merry Christmas everyone.  Let’s go have some fun.

My name is Christopher Tydeman and I’ve been embracing the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life since March, 2012. I am a SoulFullHeart facilitator-in-training, author on this blog, and I hosted the SoulFullHeart Experience Radio Show. I was invited by Jillian and Wayne Vriend, co-creators of SoulFullHeart, to begin my own 90 day outing. In the next 90 days, I will be vulnerably sharing my SoulFullHeart process publicly. It will include journaling from one or more of my parts, my daemon, the Divine Mother, or all of them in one big group love fest. You will meet Simon, who is my self-image part or prime monarch; Nathaniel, who is an aspect of my Daemon; Angela, who is my newly arising feminine part; and Peter, who is my magical child. I will not be sharing anything they do not want to share, or I may process with them until they feel comfortable. This is a healing crucible for me, but also a look into the inner world of this way of life called SoulFullHeart. Visit soulfullheart.com for more about the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life.