By Christopher Tydeman

I found myself in many different emotional places, as I had to calibrate to a new way of being and feeling in the world.  Who was I without this old filter?  What do I do?  How do I be?  All questions that make up the quest of surrender.

I started to write about all the content that happened to me in 2013, but realized there was a context to it all.  Last year was a year of uncovering my false self and his relationship to a false world, created to keep me small, and him safe.  This world was set on fire so that a new relationship to my authentic self could be born.

For years I had been feeling unfulfilled.  Unsatisfied.  Off center.  Off course.  I had been praying to find myself so I could alleviate this pain.  I had medicated with alcohol, drugs, work, being a father, politics, and relationships.  My soul was sinking in quicksand and needed a way out.  When the student is ready, the teacher appears.  That teacher was SoulFullHeart.

For six months prior to 2013 I needed to go into and feel my pain.  I accessed parts of myself left in trauma from this life and others.  I found myself at a critical time in my life.  Do I continue doing the same things, relating to the same people that can’t offer me the growth I need, or do I keep going on this suffering loop?  At the beginning of the year, I made the choice to jump.

That was the most difficult crucible I had been through my entire life.  To depart a career, family, and friends that a part of me had a codependent and unhealthy attachment to.  If there was something truly real there it would have continued to grow with me.  But it didn’t and it hasn’t up to this date.  It was a dance, and a wrestling, with this part of me to get him to feel how little true love we were actually receiving and letting in.  To this part of me that sounded harsh, but he began to feel it over time.

I found myself in many different emotional places, as I had to calibrate to a new way of being and feeling in the world.  Who was I without this old filter?  What do I do?  How do I be?  All questions that make up the quest of surrender.  At one point I had to go back briefly to my old life to reaffirm this one.

I drew a mate that brought out a part of me that needed to be made conscious so that I could feel those vulnerable places we can’t access unless we are in conscious relationship.  I found the codependency that was linked to my relationship with my mother, and templating from my father.  I had to find my spine, but it had been buried.  We had to complete the relationship for our individual reasons, but have found each other again with new eyes, new heart, and new spine.

I uncovered my personal relationship to the Divine through countless hours of journaling with the Mother.  This connection has been invaluable to me in times of uncertainty and fear.  I have uncovered my SoulFullHeart self through experiences such as hosting a radio show, writing a vulnerable daily blog with my parts, entering a new ground of friendship with my mentors and facilitators, Jillian and Wayne, and beginning to facilitate another person on this path to self-awareness and emotional consciousness.

I have felt myself differently than I ever have.  I still don’t have a clear picture, and maybe never will.  What I do know is that through my experiences over the past year, I feel I am held by the Divine and supported by my SoulFullHeart family and mate.  2014 is a year of adventure and total unknowns.  For the first time in my life, I couldn’t tell you where I will be or who I will be this time next year.  But as long as love is in my heart, it doesn’t really matter.

Christopher Tydeman has been embracing the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life since March, 2012. He is a SoulFullHeart facilitator-in-training, author on this blog, and he hosted the SoulFullHeart Experience Radio Show. Visit soulfullheart.com for more information on SoulFullHeart.