W: Hello Divine Father.

DF: Hello Wayne.

W: Jillian asked the other day when I was going to talk about her and I in our dialogues, and that question has got me wondering.

DF: I imagine so.

W: Really, maybe you can help me sort it out.

DF: I’d be glad to, but I prefer to let you lead with your need. It just seems to work better that way. Tell me about your wondering.

W: It seems the light is shining on my wondering as soon as I mentioned it to you. I get why I have hesitated to talk openly about our relationship. One is that both braggarts and bragging are a turn off to me. But another, deeper, and I suspect the truer reason for keeping the shades pulled some on our relationship is that part of me still feels vulnerable for having something so out of this world. I’ve never been around another couple that has anything resembling what we have together. It’s been a very private experience. The only way there has been to digest our uniqueness is with each other, and that just serves to making me feel more separated from what people settle for in romance.

DF: I’m really glad you’re opening this out today, Wayne. I get the distaste for bragging thing. Someone whose bragging is really doing it out of a hunger for love in the form of recognition, or being liked, they’re just going about it in a way that won’t actually get them what they really want. In your case, you and Jillian live inside of what most are not capable of even dreaming of. Seeking to keep that hidden because it feels vulnerable to let it be seen how strange and different you are is understandable.

W: Especially, Father, because of how private and personal relationship is. That’s what makes it so rewarding. It’s like a treasure that I’m happy most of the time to keep to myself.

DF: And then Jillian comes along and asks when you’re going to share about your relationship.

W: Exactly.

DF: Women pull off stuff like that don’t they?

W: Tell me about it. Father.

DF: No, I’d like you to tell me about it, Wayne. And I think the universe is the one really doing the asking, and Jillian is just picking up on that. Why do you think romance portrayed in writing and film is so addictive? It’s because it goes to the deepest heart of us, and our longings for what can be.

W: I’m still a bit hesitant, Father, and don’t know where to begin.

DF: That’s understandable. I’m in no hurry, and I think it will be well worth the wait. If you are up for it, that is.

W: Trying to describe a feeling reality by getting all heady trying to describe it feels really difficult. I am up for it, to share, that is. I’ll just need to be patient with myself to find my way.

DF: Perfect, Wayne. Thank you for accepting the challenge to use words to share about the heart. I’m going into full listening mode, with my heart open. I can feel and fill in what the words can’t do justice to.

W: My first contact from Jillian, a complete stranger, was her sending me a 3 sentence email in a business setting. I got all reactive like I’d never received an email from a woman before. I met her in a seminar some months later, and the attraction came right back to the surface. 3 years and some history later, we became a couple. Now, I can see that we needed the time to get ready for each other and the relationship and what it would ask of us. And ask of us, it did. Geography immediately came up, living a country and 1000 miles apart. Our entire social world came up as well as the spiritual group we were deeply apart of kicked us out on account of our relationship (Much too long of a story to put in here, dear reader, you can read it all if you’d like, Jillian wrote a book about it called; ‘Under The Bloated Banyen’ available on our website). I vacated so much of my entire reality to embrace the relationship and the connection that was so completely life changing. The ease of being together was just the entry point. The joy and fulfillment of sharing current life and feeling into an unfolding future together was so off the chart to me, I felt like I entered another planet. And really, Father, I did, and I still feel that way.

DF: You’re doing just fine, Wayne. Thank you for warming up to this. Please keep on.

W: Okay. Here goes. I suppose I should mention that it’s not like we don’t or didn’t have clashes or differences. We have had clashes that sometimes only compared in scope to the goodness of what dropped into our lap. The intensity of our clashes has lessened and I trust is continuing to, as I believe that we were just minimally ready to be in what we were given. It’s crazy vulnerable to be in something so all encompassing, so good, so rewarding, so beautiful with a very unique human with sexuality upping the ante big time and to embrace and face conflict with as open a heart I could find. It’s like, Father, everything that I experienced in relationship before was preparation for what I entered with Jillian 7 years plus ago. And then on top of that, the relationship never stops beginning really, dependant on how willing we are to keep entering it. Honeymoon is a reality, because both partners risk to enter. It’s the willingness to continue to risk that keeps the sweetness and goodness and surprise over the moon.

DF: Amen, brother.

W: Thank you for that Amen. Forgive me for getting a bit preachy. Even as I set out to open up about Jillian and I, I feel how it’s still a bit more comfortable for a part of me to talk about the values of our relationship, rather than the relationship itself. I’m going to see if I can stay on the relationship.

Jillian is laying 3 feet away from me as I type this dialogue, reading, looking beautiful, and emanating sweetness. Our life is an orbit around each other. Even when either of us needs some space to themselves, it’s all in the anticipation of reconnecting. I’m planning on a city trip with Christopher tomorrow for the day and I actually have an anxiety about being that far apart from Jillian for that long. The return trip and our embrace will be the only thing that can alleviate that anxiety. Some may want to write us off as codependent. I’d actually have to accept the charge, as I know, that losing my relationship with Jillian would feel like the end of my life. Certainly the end of my life as I know it now. I’d have to trust the universe to give me some sort of a rebirth equal to the one that began our relationship for me to be anything less than suicidal. If that’s codependent, that’s what I am. And I’m proud of it. It’s taken all the guts and balls I could and can muster to keep up with her and us, and what life brings us because of our togetherness. Moving to Mexico and exodusing Canada was simply the latest requirement that our relationship beckoned. Wow, I warmed up to this, Father. How am I doing?

DF: You are doing so good, Wayne. You’ve needed to do this. It was going to hinder your relationship if you couldn’t make this current claim. It wasn’t just that Jillian wanted to hear you gush about your relationship, although I’m sure that’s all true too, but she and the universe longs for a man who can claim his truth without bragging and without apology. Feel into if there’s more you want to say, Wayne. I’m not going anywhere.

W: I feel liberated somehow, like keeping all of this goodness in private was somehow weighing on me. In that, I feel how the goodness of my moment by moment with Jillian offset the loneliness of it being such a private experience. I feel how I want to share what I have, as well as receive support by being around other couples that are willing to go in this deep and keep going.

DF: Wayne, I feel how that’s what the universe wants for you both as well. The universe just needed this outing from you.

W: So, keep my eyes open for what’s ahead…?

DF: Yes, keep your eyes and heart open. You’ve been willing to live this from the heart and there is no greater thing that seeds that into the realm that births out more of the same for those ready and willing to embrace that.

W: That sounds good.

DF: I’ll say. If you want it and keep wanting it, Wayne, the saying that you’ve only just begun can be a never ending reality for you.

W: You mean like honeymoon sex all the time?

DF: Yup. That and more, and then some more if you can handle it.

W: Thank you, Father, for holding space for this today.

DF: You are so mega welcome, Wayne. Mega welcome.

 

Wayne Vriend is a co-founder of Soulfullheart Community, healer and author of 90 Days With Yeshua. Visit soulfullheart.com for more information.