DF: Hey Wayne, I can feel you aching over something. Would you like to talk?
W: Thank you, Father, yes, I would.
DF: What is it?
W: I’m feeling all that we talked about around curiosity lately, and a deep well of feeling is coming up for me.
DF: Please, tell me all about it.
W: It’s really been a lifelong feeling really, but it got pushed up around a couple email exchanges this past couple weeks. People from my past that I hadn’t spoken with in years contacted me, but in their contact didn’t ask a single question inquiring into my life. There wasn’t any curiosity about why we moved to Mexico, or how it was for Jillian and I since we, under pressure, left the group that they remained in until it disintegrated last month. There wasn’t an acknowledgment of Jillian having written a book about our experiences inside of the group. They felt they were exiting a cult like trance and one also apologized for past treatments of us at the time of our exit. The apology was meaningful, but that there doesn’t seem to be a desire for any further connection undergirding the apology, other than for a light facebook level of exchange, which to me feels like the opposite of intimacy. That feels so painful. It’s like part of them is saying ‘this is all you get of me.’ I wept and wept as I watered the garden this afternoon.
DF: Ouch, Wayne, I feel how deep this goes into your heart.
W: Thank you, Father, for feeling this ache in me. I so need to be felt in it. I know it’s related to my life path, since a teenager, always leaving early the circles I joined when I sensed that my desire for deeper community wasn’t able to be realized any further there. I accepted the growth I’d received in being in the group and the personal relationships I made inside, but acknowledged that the time had come to move on. I was surprised how crystal clear and unmistakable the guidance was for me at each of these moving on places.
DF: I feel your heart breaking, but breaking open. I’m so honored to be around a man who is willing to want and ache for more of what you know is out there.
W: I love feeling your honor, Thank you, and you’re right, I do know it is out there because I found it in my sacred friendship with Christopher and my sacred romance with Jillian. Part of what is hard to bear is to be in the deep goodness of what I have and not being felt by open hearted people outside of our connection, who can feel what I have. It’s more than just an opportunity for sharing. It’s the magic of feeling a heart open other feel me, and me getting to feel that in real time.
DF: I feel how it has been like a lifelong search for true family for you, Wayne. I feel too how you honor each setting you were engaged in rather than have any disdain for what the universe brought you. In that, there is a sacred recognition that you needed the time that you did in each setting you were invested in.
W: Yes, the investment needed to be fully in. Anything less would only have been to wallow in something, and to lack the movement that the relationship was meant to give me. When you speak to me not having disdain, that’s a tricky one, because I do have frustrations and even judgments towards people I have been close with in the past.
DF: But the difference is that in your judgment and frustration, there isn’t a superiorizing, or a withholding of love. Part of coming to terms with realness is accepting that everyone has tons of judgments going on, both negative and positive towards those they are in relationship with. It’s not the judgments that hinder a relationship, it’s the disowning of them, and pretending they aren’t there.
W: And it feels like that the only way to not be stuck in superiorizing and withholding love is be honest and transparent about the judgments. It’s impossible to not have judgments; it’s what we do with the judgments that make for a closed or an open heart.
DF: There’s an ocean of wisdom in that for anyone ready to take it in, and a lifetime of practice for the one who wants to come into more and more realness.
W: If they are ready for the immediate and relentless life changes it will bring to them.
DF: Yes, let’s don’t forget the price tag. This is about conditional love, that’s love with a cost and a price, that isn’t free. Where we started feeling today is the ache in you that you were willing to feel. That willingness both earned you something and cost you something. All of this praise for unconditional love is one big smokescreen of the emotional cripple who is demanding that his mommy keep looking after him, but he’s in his forties now and he actually needs to look after himself.
W: And what else it does is, Father, is to keep our very real judgments in all of our relating somehow off the radar, and unprocessed.
DF: In one big toxic soup of relationship called family.
W: Okay, there’s a judgment right there.
DF: And did you have a judgment about my judgment?
W: I had a bit of a reaction of imagining people choking on your choice of words, putting down family.
DF: And I have a bit of a reaction to your reaction, Wayne, because I actually have real love and respect for family that those who claim to be in defense of it actually can’t embody because of their falseness of being.
W: I agree, thank you, and it’s interesting, you defended your truth with another judgment.
DF: We are all so full of judgments that any strategy of sidestepping the judgments we have towards others and those coming at us from others is just plain infantile. There you go, another judgment.
W: We have been immune to reality in our picture of what relationship is. Relationship is something that gets its’ reality by being in reference to something from which it draws it sense of reality. Real relationships reference transparency and honesty as their guiding light. False relationships reference their sense of realness to politeness and obscurity, which kills intimacy. Then relationship itself becomes another drug to medicate the pain of what’s missing in the relationship.
DF: We’re waxing a clarity here, Wayne, and that feels important, to break through the falseness and create a safe and sacred place to begin anew.
W: I feel that, so much, Father, because as we are having this dialogue, I am still feeling the raw place in me that aches to have this something new that we are describing as missing. Do you think it’s safe for me to be putting this on-line and making it public?
DF: I do and I’ll tell you why. Your boundaries have grown to a place where you know what you will and will not settle for in relationship. That’s where the safety comes from. That’s not authority over anyone else, where you can demand anything. This is authority over your self that makes you the author of your self alone, where the entire story coming from your life, you take accountability for. Story telling is giving account after all. My sense for you is that if you weren’t willing to lead this out loud and in public, you wouldn’t be in your self-authority, you’d be living someone else’s reality.
W: When you say ‘leading this out loud,’ what do you mean by ‘this’?
DF: Embodying vulnerability. Nothing more, nothing less.
W: And how do you define vulnerability?
DF: Being vulnerable is being woundable. Only someone who can actually be hurt and feel the hurt is in an open hearted place. Only to the degree that someone has received love and healing of past hurts is the degree that they can bear the possibility of new hurt, which is being in relationship open-heartedly.
W: And how is that not being a doormat?
DF: It is only as a person hasn’t yet felt their own hurts that they are capable of hurting others, as well as being hurt. The self worth and self authorship that comes to a person healing the hurt inside causes them to no longer draw or accept hurtful behavior in relationships. They know both when to enter and when to leave a relationship. The person who is letting others hurt them repeatedly is actually trying to become vulnerable to having a feeling experience of their own hurt inside of them, that can move them towards true healing.
W: I like learning more about being open hearted, being willing to be hurt, and yet not being okay with being hurt when the other won’t take accountability.
DF: or be okay when someone won’t seek to match you in vulnerability.
W: This so gets to the criteria for a healthy relationship.
DF: And a whole lot of fun, if you’re ready for it.
W: Thank you, Father. I’m ready for some more fun.
DF: Good, then get ready for it.