By Jelelle Awen
Yesterday, while Raphael and I were out sitting at a cafe, I thought I saw a woman from my past. In the immediate sense that this MIGHT be her, I felt a knot of anxiety and tension in my third chakra or solar plexus area flare up. After confirming with Raphael that it wasn’t this woman, who I will call “Jane”, I felt the tension move out my field replaced by a sense of calm and love.
In digesting my response to seeing who I thought was Jane, I gave my solar plexus some loving energy as I felt into what the reaction had been. Jane was once a very close friend of mine, true soul family and sister. Almost ten years ago, we were both part of a spiritual and emotional healing group for close to five years together. The same group for which Raphael and I met and eventually left together. I left the group in a highly intense way, after receiving a choice from Daniel – the leader of the group and a man who was like my surrogate father – to either break up with Raphael for a year or leave the group as we were deemed too codependent to be together in a healthy way. This choice was given to me after only three weeks of dating and years of me being in the group within the inner circle and serving as a facilitator of the work for a few years too.
It was a very difficult decision on one end yet, also, my soul was guiding me that it was time to leave this setting which had brought so much love and healing to my life but for which much of it I had outgrown. I heard a strong “No more” in my head which I feel now was my higher self and my guides. I said ‘no’ to the frequencies of control, power OVER those in the group, the gossiping and competition amongst those in the facilitator circle. I said ‘yes’ to my own sovereignty and my choice to explore relationship with Raphael, a man who felt like the deepest mate of heart, soul, and body that I had been desiring for many years. When I left the group, none of the people who I felt to be soul family would or could talk with me any longer.
Jane and I were living together at the time of this dissolution with the group and it was very awkward. We tried to have a friendship ‘outside’ of the group, but she was still very much involved and wouldn’t listen to my growing clarities about the shadow frequencies within it. The separation with her and her disapproval of me was so challenging for me to digest when we had experienced so much love together. Eventually, we went our separate ways, with love, and with her choice to continue in the group. We haven’t spoken in over nine years even as the group fell apart two years ago with Daniel finally being called out for his behaviors by all those in the group.
I am sharing this story, I believe, because it was interesting to feel how even though consciously I have reconciled this experience, my emotional and energy body still held trauma from it. I connected with this energy in my solar plexus last night (and the nasal congestion that came up too) and also cut any karmic bind cords with Jane and yet sent her love too in case it was the Universe telling me that she was thinking of me. In my experience serving others, this is how our emotional and energy bodies work…they store undigested pain in this way, as pockets that release when they are triggered to release (what Carl Jung called ‘being constellated’). We can trigger them to release through consciously connecting with the part of us that holds this energy as we offer and hold space for in SouLFullHeart.
Ultimately, I feel gratitude for my experience in this group and my experience with Jane especially as I trust that our souls signed up for it and it brought me so many gifts of realization around heart-based leadership that invites others into and respects their sovereignty, which is the place I come from related to SoulFullHeart. This group also introduced me to the emotional body, parts work, and the importance of healing at this deep emotional level. Because of the dark night I experienced in leaving the group and ‘losing’ all of my soul family connections that I had at the time, I appreciate the connections that I have with others now in a much deeper way. And, my bond with Raphael was instantly solidified and strengthened by our moving through the trauma of leaving together and we really had no ‘choice’ but to be completely vulnerable with other. This experience also helped me work and heal karmic patterns around rejection, being dominated, dominating others (I connected with my inner Daniel part at some point), shadow side of spirituality, authority, etc.
If you find yourself in or are digesting having been in a relationship with some of these frequencies (and this can happen in romantic and family relationships too, usually what is called the empath and narcissist relationship), it takes time to heal and recover from them for sure and much inner strength and soul resolve to complete them. In fact, ‘time’ doesn’t really exist to these places of trauma as it is stored in the emotional body which doesn’t relate to time. The feeling and connecting with these places through negotiation with the protector part that is protecting them can lead to much movement, growth, and healing with lots of self love and care. Held in a container of love, the lessons are integrated and the tensions are moved with much transformation and deeper embodiment of the higher self.
We can offer support to those of you going through this kind of situation in personal relationship or in recovery from a group through SoulFullHeart space holding sessions. More about that here: soulfullheartwayoflife.com/sessions
Jelelle Awen is an emoto-spiritual teacher, sacred feminine facilitator, soul scribe, wayshower, multidimensional bridge, lover of love and co-creator and teacher of SoulFullHeart Way Of Life. She is author of Keep Waking Up! Awakening Journeys To Avalon And Beyond and an upcoming book, Sacred Human, Arising Wonder. Visit soulfullheartwayoflife.com for more information about space holding sessions with her, group calls, videos, community, etc.