By Raphael Awen
I received news of quite a scathing email today from an old friend of who I hadn’t spoken with in over 14 years. He blasted me for disowning my daughters, amongst other things. I chose not to read the email as it didn’t have any tones of care or respect, but I did let the contact from this friend and some of his energy land in my heart for some up-to-date digestion.
Kelvin (not his real name) and I met in church life, where we and our young families were a part of the leadership team. His family and mine enjoyed a magical missions experience living and traveling together for three months in remote places in the Philippines. We shared similar kinds of livelihoods as independent contractors and I learned many skills and trades by working alongside Kelvin. Kelvin had a hidden side that was becoming not so hidden as part of him said ‘fuck the hiding’ and his world began to rumble when he eventually openly admitted to being gay, and admitted to being abusive to his wife. His wife asked my help and a few other friends to assist her to pack up and leave their home on a 3 hour stealth mission when Kelvin was away one evening. Kelvin was broken to somewhere deep in his core and the next morning, he was at my door, knowing I was one of the people who had helped his wife make an escape. I was prepared for an attempt at a punch in the face, but was surprised when he simply said ‘Thank you for helping Carol, it was the right thing to do.’
Kelvin and I’s relationship went through several contexts, and nearing the end of our relationship, I perceived him to be distant and unreachable, so painfully similar to all the male friendships in my life. Now, I can see that this distance and unreachability had to do with a distance and unreachability inside of myself, that the universe was reflecting to me in my relationship with all of my male friends. I co-created that reality and the suffering patterns.
I consciously longed for male intimacy, knowing it had to do with my own father’s emotional distance, but still suffering with feeling on the outside of being unable to deeply connect with any of my male friends, all of whom had been in my life for many years and through many changes. In 2005, after thinning out more and more of my Christian faith, I realized that the last pillar of my faith was about to implode, and after that, I couldn’t call myself a Christian any longer. I no longer held Jesus as my personal saviour. I was withdrawing the confession of my faith, or ‘renouncing my Christianity’, you could say. I simply stated quietly to those closest to me, that I no longer held Jesus as my personal saviour, and this was an earthquake that none of my personal social life could sustain. My relationships with my wife and daughters all entered a surprising and sudden completion of the old, not knowing what may or may not arise in any new context.
Strangely though, Kelvin and I’s relationship had been quiet for some time and when we did meet one last time, it was post to my Christianity and with Kelvin living in an openly gay lifestyle, each of us had again a resonance on one level with being outside of the worlds we once knew and treasured, each for our own reasons. I shared some of my new found beliefs and values with Kelvin, but felt a distinct disinterest in him beyond a polite listening. Part of me so wanted to be done with any of the male tugging for intimacy patterns that were all too present in my (by now mostly absent) relationships with men. We never spoke again and it felt like it had just run out of gas; complete in what the transactable relationship was meant to bring us.
Strange though to fast forward 13 years and receive a blast of anger from Kelvin. I so see now that anyone from our past that we no longer have transaction with, we can’t actually be outside of relationship with, on a higher level that is. All of us are far too connected and are actually ‘all-one’, rather than ‘alone’ though our perceptions of things may beg to differ. What was striking to me was that it was also just this week that I wrote of breaking through some lifelong and significant barriers in my relationships with men in my deep friendship with Gabriel Heartman and our now 6 years of intense heart, soul and geographical journey together. I can so feel how me breaking a barrier inside of myself where my male relationship patterns are concerned that then ripples out into the Metasoul and Metasouls that we share, and we unmistakably ping on each others radar.
Part of Kelvin appears to be pissed that I broke the codes we shared, committed ourselves to, and suffered within. I believe I went on to begin to grasp the real prize that we are all in search of – really coming home to oneself inside of our own hearts and then finding that naturally mirror itself out into new relationship patterns with others.
I feel the sacred gift of the times and memories we shared, and what it brought us to and what it brought us through. I feel the sacred gift too even of the scathing email, that again offers me a digestion point of my own journey and what I am being invited into – internally and externally. One also needs some ‘before and after’ pictures to take in how much one has shifted their reality, to hold any wakes needed to shed any residual tears that parts of us may still hold and need to digest. We are all players in each others movies, inextricably linked. When one finds gold, we all find gold, and invite others into the undeniable newness that belongs to the all, and can be leased by any one willing to own it as a steward.
What is unmistakably shaking down or apart in your world? How does this correspond to an inner shaking/completion? What digestions are parts of you needing to have to be able to move on healthily without suppression? What heart knowing do you have with these parts? What would you be willing to pay to purchase this field in which you unmistakably discovered this pearl of great price?
Raphael Awen is co-creator, teacher, and facilitator of the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life. Visit soulfullheartwayoflife.com for more information about sessions, events, videos, etc. Visit our donations page to offer a monthly or one time money donation to support our offerings.