Reclaiming The Lost Boy Of Our In-essence

As a sensitive boy growing up, I could feel so much around me yet had no real guidance on how to interpret, digest, and integrate it all. This is really true for most if not all of us. The biggest piece I am revisiting now is the depth of my sexual trauma as a boy moving into manhood.
Confronted with so many images, energies, and conditionings around sex and sexuality, this boy in me found himself between a rock and a hard place (pardon the pun). There was the desire for innocence to be the name of the game. To dance with the essence in both the boy and the girl. Like a journey of discovery and playfulness.

Instead it was about fitting in to the dominant culture of woundedness. Girl became an object of my need to be validated as a man in the world. Her yoni a portal back into the womb of The Mother. But Girl was wounded too. She was looking for her own needs to be filled…so to speak
Now Boy is caught between fulfilling the needs of both the wounded masculine in his power over the feminine and the wounded feminine in her need to feel some hook into the masculine. Both invulnerable and unable to really see each other in their innocence or in-essence.

I reconnected with that boy in me again and replayed those days while feeling the innocence in contrast. The pain of what this boy packed away in order to survive in that world was heart-wrenching. I could feel the toxicity and pain swelling in my cells. All of the trauma that I never categorized as trauma because men don’t do that in what is just ‘those teenage years’.
If, as men, we were to really feel where we lost our innocence, we would really get to a core of who we are as a man. Why we have done, and to some degree still do, the things that we do. If we can ‘come to Jesus’ with this Lost Boy inside of us, we would find the root and beauty of our masculine innocence. Something we packed away a long fucking time ago.

In that innocence we also find the warrior who has fiercely protected him. The warrior who has both shadow to heal and truth to tell. Between them both is the Man who has a vulnerable heart and a willingness to call bullshit when he sniffs it. He is willing put his heart on the line but not his power. He is willing to seek forgiveness but not condemnation.

There has been no greater process for me than the one I am currently in. This Lost Boy in found again in my heart. I am loving him with every once of it that I have access to. It is my current sacred bromance. It is this process that activates and unearths more of my King or Sacred Sovereign Masculine Self. It is this process that leads me to more self-love and ability to see, feel, and relate authentically to the feminine within and without.

*****

Gabriel Heartman is a SoulFullHeart Facilitator and Collaborator.  Visit https://www.soulfullheartorg.com for more information about sessions, group calls/events, videos, community, etc.

Free Consultation Calls With Gabriel Heartman

So many rumblings and reactions happening right now. So much shadow coming to the surface to be met with love instead of fear. This can be a lot to hold with all of the energies swirling and popping.

In SoulFullHeart we feel all the parts of us that are in pain, reaction, and/or confusion. We feel the Metasoul aspects that may be bleeding through at this time and needing your attention and care.

This is very catalytic work that can be attested to by those that are currently in session space with us. It does require a real desire for change, not just temporal relief. Yet, there is a self-loving way to be with the change that is knocking on your door.

I, along with Raphael Awen and Kalayna Solais, offer a free consultation call to feel with you what your presenting pains/fears/frustrations are and see how the process can navigate you to deep, transformational change. Moving out of the old way of being and into a new way of seeing and feeling yourself and the world. An invitation to the community within you and our community on the outside.

There is support during these times and I would love to help feel how I, and we as a group, can support that. I have been in this process for 8 years now and I have gone from very dark days to a deep and profound connection to myself, to others, to the world, and the Divine. I want to share and serve that to others who are in the space I was back then.

“After only a short time of sharing Gabriel was able to help me identify aspects of my gatekeeper and protector that have been currently activated, and now I can build a relationship with them. Gabriel’s feedback clearly comes from deep listening, to his facilitant and to his own deepest self. I felt seen, and seen through, safely with great compassionate understanding. What I’m feeling is so special about this work is how embodied it is.”

For more about my story you can visit: https://www.soulfullheartwayoflife.com/about-gabriel

For more information on SoulFullHeart Consult Calls and Sessions visit:
https://www.soulfullheartwayoflife.com/sessions

You can email me at gabriel@soulfullheart.org or PM as well.

Sending you much love and grace during these shifting and rumbling times.

The Suffering And Healing Of The Inner Teenager

Tomorrow in our next SoulFullHeart Free To Be group call, we will be diving into the Inner Teenager part of us that has a lot of wounding, BUT a ton of power and creativity. Right now the Inner Teenager may be coming out in a rebellious nature toward some of the ‘rules’ that are being implemented right now. There may also be a compliance as well. I know I had both in me in my teen years and struggled in the conflict between the two.

This conflict showed up as a desperate need to do well in school while being heavily into alcohol and smoking. I had a lot of mom/sister issues that showed up in my relationship to young women my age. It felt like an all-round hell zone for him in many ways. Trying like hell to fit in but not knowing which ‘in’ was really his.

As I feel him (his name is Chris, my birth name) from this vantage point, I can feel a soul that was winding down the 3D experience and struggling to reconcile that. Until of course he met Jill (aka Jelelle Awen) in college and the journey of self-discovery and authenticity began. It was a lot for him to let go of all that he thought he identified with (family, friends, relationships, conditioned ideas, etc).

He is very much into art and creativity and this too was a conflict as well with deep perfectionism that caused a lot of suffering. A battle between the masculine and feminine waged within. I feel him much more rested in with my inner teenage feminine and they seem to be in much more balance and harmony together.

In him there is a rebellion that just wants to go his own way without a fight. He doesn’t need to get angry anymore or judge others as this was always a judgement of himself. I feel a relief in him for no longer being in those days while still honoring all the process. There were lots of good times among the suffering. Those are what are now left in the memory banks when we look back.

Still much to heal around romance, intimacy, and sexuality but those are on their way with each passing day. Working with Chris in the early stages of my process was one of the most touching and healing parts of my journey. You don’t realize how much you are our teenager until you start to work with them.

If you are interested in connecting with and knowing more about your Inner Teenager, please join us for the next group call tomorrow at 10am PST. You can find out more info here:
soulfullheart.org/freetobe2 or purchase the link and soulfullheart.org/shop

*****

Gabriel Heartman is a SoulFullHeart Facilitator and Collaborator.  Visit https://www.soulfullheartorg.com for more information about sessions, group calls/events, videos, community, etc. 

New Moon In Gemini: Releasing The Trauma Bond

What a new moon portal today! The last few days have been intense to say the least. I have become aware, through my deep dive sessions with Raphael, of a particular trauma bond that has existed inside of me between me and my sister even as I have not been in contact with her for over seven years.

My sister and I were born very close apart. When many people met us they thought we were twins at first glance. What I am realizing is that this twin recognition came from an energetic bond between us that I am learning has visitation and abduction trauma built in, as well as many lifetimes in one form of relation or another.

I have come to the realization that this bonded trauma created a pairing between us. A contract that we would forever be in each other’s life so that we would not feel the depths of the trauma. Well, I broke the physical contract years ago, but the etheric contract remained.

I was offered to connect to my sister’s higher self and let her know that I was no longer going to hold my end of the bond anymore as it is time for me to go into the galactic and soul wounding that had kept us in a bind. I have recognized how much of this has effected my relationships with women, as it served as a protection and a projection of wound and care-taking.

I have been so focused on healing the Mom wound that I finally found the more subtle sister layer that was out of my awareness due to the depth of the trauma that it was founded on. I am reaching the edges of my galactic wounding that has alluded me for most of this life until this came into view.

What came to me is that this may be true for many of us at this time. Not so specifically from brother to sister, but any bond between two people that has deep roots in trauma. This can be especially true for twin flames. The New Moon energies in Gemini feel to be highlighting this twin dynamic for those that are meant to see it right now.

The trauma bond is something that is hard to let go of as it has such a long history. I had deep tears that I couldn’t place many times today but I could get a sense that this trauma bond was leaving my field and it is almost like losing an essential part of your being that you didn’t really know was there!

The release and detox of this bond feels like a shedding of a skin. It can be a hard process, but when held in sacred space it feels like the most important part of our ascension. I can feel during this time how there is a collective trauma bond exhibited by the fear of this virus. As we clear our own inner trauma bonds, the less energy is added to the collective and thus helps to move the needle one more step toward Love.

I also feel how this will help me to let in sacred romance on a much deeper level that I have not previously been able to transact due to this energy in my being. Quite a remarkable ride the last couple of days. I hope that this provides some insight into your own relationships to see where there may be these contracts that may need a deeper release in order to bring in the Love that we ALL are here to experience.

Much love on this New Moon evening.

*****

Gabriel Heartman is a SoulFullHeart Facilitant and Collaborator.  Visit https://www.soulfullheartorg.com for more information about sessions, group calls/events, videos, community, etc.

Dear Brother…

Dear Brother
What is it that keeps us apart?
Keeps us torn?
Feeling torn apart?

Dear Brother
What is it that keeps you from your truth?
From your heart?
From your capacity to feel alive?

Dear Brother
What chains bind thee to the concrete walls
That separate your dreams from reality?
What stands between us that keeps us
From seeing one another
As brethren rather than enemies?

Dear Brother
Let us lay down the shields
Take off the armour
Sit naked in the meadow of our vulnerability
And shed the tears of our forgotten unity

Let us hold the candles high
The flame of our Father’s love for life
For The Mother
For our Lover

Let us claim the Feminine within
For She is the portal to our true Masculine
The Spade to Her Chalice
The container to Her ocean

Dear Brother
My heart calls to you
To your quest of truth of heart
And truth of mind
To your desire to leave the system behind
And create a new kingdom
Born of and from Love

Dear Brother
I miss you

*****

Gabriel Heartman is a SoulFullHeart Facilitant and Collaborator.  Visit https://www.soulfullheartorg.com for more information about sessions, group calls/events, videos, community, etc.

The Healing Expressions Of The Rising Sacred Masculine, Pt. 1

An epic SoulFullHeart session with Raphael Awen this weekend. So much so, I will need to write this up in two parts. The first half was a revisiting of my inner masculine part named Marcus. Recently, I have been invited to partake more and more into reintegrating back into service by co-leading with Kalayna Solais a Saturday follow-up discussion group with those that attend the Wednesday Free-To-Be group calls. (For more info on the upcoming series go to soulfullheart.org/freetobe2)

This brought up some prior frequencies within my masculine to show up with some compensatory energy, meaning a little more energized and outbound due to some underlying feeling of inadequacies within him to be a leading edge part of this group. What came up for him was an image of a bull in a china shop. Like he is not sure how to be in a space when things get tender. My feminine is quite capable of holding that space, but Marcus, when he is ‘up’, can be a little more mental in those moments without letting the feeling just do the ‘talking’. 

He began to wonder, “What then is appropriate masculinity?”. That was a portal question to what feels like a grappling of the wounded masculine’s relationship to the feminine, as well as a reaction to what is referred to as ‘toxic masculinity’. There is this fine line of wanting to be in balance and honor with the feminine, express and claim his power and intuitions while avoiding this ‘toxic’ distinction. 

The first thing that was brought to him is that just this very question alone suggests his reverence for the feminine and the holding of the sacred space. It also mirrors a long-standing notion that the feminine is fragile. This was deeply ingrained in me from early on in my life as my mother was a very sensitive and emotional woman in the despair direction. This set up an unhealthy dynamic between her and my inner child that he had to make sure not to ‘hurt mom or else who knows what would happen to her’. 

Well, through much of my healing and experience with other powerful women, I recognized that this was a part of her wounded inner child tugging on my inner child. This ended up transmuting into recycled alcoholism and I eventually had to say no more. I had given all I could until it was clear I had to cut the cord of this dynamic. This has played out in multiple Metasoul timelines as well in regards to feelings of guilt and shame over how I had participated in the suppression and persecution of the women. 

Interesting that I find myself within a more feminine offering to explore and heal all of these wounds and beliefs that I have had around the Feminine itself and women in general. It inversely leads me to more of my own masculine expression as I connect with the relationship to my own feminine and how She is a portal into my sacred masculinity and my Love ambassadorship. But I have had to go here first. To my inner masculine and hash out these old dynamics and create a safe environment to let his masculine flourish like the wild stallion he is and wants to be. 

It felt appropriate to share this after Mother’s Day as a reminder that the relationship to Mom is an integral part of any man’s journey. It really needs to be brought into consciousness so that we can truly see and feel how we relate to Womankind and the Sacred Feminine. Thanks so much for taking this in and I hope that it shines some awareness and questions for your own journeys. 

*****

Gabriel Heartman is a SoulFullHeart Facilitant and Collaborator.  Visit https://www.soulfullheartorg.com for more information about sessions, group calls/events, videos, community, etc.

The Awakening Of The Reptilian Self

Yesterday was a very emotionally heavy and visceral day for me. I have been feeling rumbles within my masculine over the past several days in response to what he was calling The System. We all know what that means, i.e. the particularities of living in a 3rd density world. Laws, social norms, bureaucracy, money, et al. There was this arising desire to fuck it all and just go live in a nearby park and detach himself from it all. It had a ring of freedom in it. I have the capacity in my soul to just live simply and on the land, which I did in Mexico with my SoulFullHeart beloveds, so it wouldn’t be a huge deal in some way.

Yet, in these reactions there is always something deeper. As was offered to me in our SoulFullHeart Facebook group, the desire to be free is an aspect of feeling a freedom of expression, my masculine expression. That landed very deeply and I could feel my inner masculine, Marcus, resonating with that. He was feeling the ways in which his own creativity has been used in a very practical way in order to survive and manage in the world. Not a very sacred use of his power and passion, but also very necessary.

As I woke up yesterday, I felt an anger begin to swell about all of this from within. I let him vent it out to get to a raw place and then deep tears came. A flood that seemed to last off and on for most of the day in between falling asleep several times. A feeling of hopelessness came over me that was hard to get a hold of so I just let it be. Let it take its course. I was offered by Raphael that there is some grid work that I was working on that is connected to the collective rumbles that are going on. I had felt earlier how these types of uncertain reactions are deeper responses to what is moving in the world. Sometimes it just takes me away and is hard to find me in all of it.

As the energy continued to move through me I began to get an awareness of my reptilian self name Gilesh. I have connected with him briefly in the past but it never got to a visceral awareness. Marcus, my wounded masculine, was a doorway to my reptilian aspect. I feel how this may be true for a lot of us. This hierarchical power structure that leads all the way to the Wizard of Oz itself, the AI. Once I was able to see him, so much began to come to the surface. I realized he was awakening into his and my awareness, really, for the first time.

I saw him lying on a kind of hospital bed with cords all around him, having been unplugged and in reaction to what he was experiencing. It was like an enormous detox from the centuries of being imprisoned, conditioned, and controlled. Very similar to the scene in The Matrix where Neo wakes up to his reality. I sat with him and just held the space for him to feel. A lot of rage and despair came from remembering what and who he was before the ‘take over’ he calls it.

This is quite significant for me. I have been really wanting to access this aspect of me because I could feel how much it has played a part in my life in regards to this feeling of acquiescence and rebellion in the same space. I have felt a suffering in space between and all along it was his! I got how much suffering this poor being has been in. How much trauma he has witnessed and been a part of all in the name of supplying the ‘loosh’ for the entities that were in control of the Matrix itself as well as its AI creator.
It is this break away from The System that my reptilian is experiencing. This feeling of ‘what the fuck am I if I am not this’? Trying to piece together the ‘past’ and remember the Garden of Eden from whence he came. Yet, there is something he knows he wants to be a part of. He wants to be a part of putting an end to this once and for all. He wants to help expose and collapse the frequency that has his race in energetic and emotional chains and thus humanity’s. They are inextricably entwined.

This will be a process of moving from angst, to guilt, to forgiveness, to compassion. I feel his power as my power. His masculine as a part of mine. This awakening feels like it will help ambassador something in the collective as we begin to learn more and more of The System and what it has done to humanity and to its children especially. It is a process of seeing how we have always been a part of it in one way or another. Yet there needs to be a space for the process of awakening and of grief. It is personal and quantum and has the potential to change our world forever. But for now, it is all about giving him all the love that is needed to find out who he really is outside of Hell.

*****

Join Raphael and Jelelle Awen for the 5th group call in the Free To Be series titled Unplugging From The 4D AI Matrix this coming Wednesday, April 29th at 10AM PST or get the recording if you can’t make it live. Go to www.soulfullheart.org/freetobe for more info.

If you feel guided to connect with your Reptilian Self I recommend Jelelle’s Deepen series video and meditation on this topic here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pA7ZjZj2K8M&list=PLNmrHdaQSAvLjwm17eBBTRhE3dbezYJdu&index=5

*****

Gabriel Heartman is a Facilitant and Collaborator with the SoulFullHeart Way of Life.  Visit https://www.soulfullheartorg.com for more information about space holding sessions, group calls, videos, community, etc.

Feel Yourself To Free Yourself

I am still. I create stillness in the storm. The mental and emotive energetic swirls dance around me. I am them and not them at the same time. I cannot just be one or the other. It is what makes me human to be both. I learn from each state of action and inaction. 

Which of these swirls are mine? Which are yours? Which are theirs? Without the stillness it is hard to discern. With each breath I seek feeling. My doorway to what is real for me. This comes first. The desire. The anxiety. The fear. The doubt. The passion. The anger. The joy and the love. 

These are the Akashic records of my humanity. They are my portals to this and other lives. They are my barometers and my heart rails. I have grown to own them, to meet them, and get to the root of them. It is digging in the soil and getting dirty in the darkness. I am transported to worlds that are in turmoil and worlds that are majestic. 

Freedom is not an external combination lock. It is not the completion of an If/Then statement. No one person or action can free you from yourself. You may get relief, but you will not get You. The You that is underneath all of those wounds a part of you holds so dear. It is in those wounds that your sacred self is born and bred.

Seek the stillness. Seek the energy that make up your selves stored in your cells. This is their prison. Not the conditions and circumstances you find yourself in. You are the lock and the key. Feel yourself to free yourself. 

~

Join Raphael and Jelelle Awen for the next Free To Be group call this Wednesday at 10am PST. These are catalytic and self-informative experiences that help support you in your current journey during these evolving times. More info at www.soulfullheart.org/freetobe.

One to one bridging sessions into the SoulFullHeart process are available by Raphael Awen and Kalayna Solais. Go to www.soulfullheart.org/sessions for more info.

*****

Gabriel Heartman is a facilitant, writer, poet, and heartist with the SoulFullHeart Way of Life.  Visit https://www.soulfullheartwayoflife.com for more information about space holding sessions, group calls, videos, community, etc.

Freeing The Inner Masculine From Enslavement To Joyful Embodiment

The Inner Masculine journey of healing is ongoing. Getting to know mine more and more each day has been a gift for both of us. Some days he feels light and airy, other days things just start to pile up one right after another. After having another session with Raphael a couple of days ago, we felt with my Inner Masculine how tired and in fear he has been most of this life. These feelings have been assuaged by lots of problem solving, working, busyness, and information gathering. Sex may have been the one thing that brought any relief, even if that feeling was short-lived.

As we continued to feel with my Inner Masculine, Raphael asked him what would be his ultimate expression if all of those overlording conditions were not present. His response was simply ‘Joy’. Unadulterated joy. That and unending acts of creation and service to others. Joy is a frequency that has been an elusive state of being most of my life. I have felt happy, content, and joyful in moments both short and long-term, but to really have an anchor in a Joy state while still feeling what is real in all moments, seems almost like a pipe dream to him.

What is authentic and genuine Joy as a core place rather than some elusive response based on external conditions? “Your guess is as good as mine!”, he wants to say. Yet there is a very visceral desire and awareness that this state does, in fact, exist. It is being broadcast by my Higher Self and the Divine. So he senses the home frequency, he just hasn’t been able to leave his country of condition to land in his country of origin.

As a tap into my Metasoul around this, as I did on the last SoulFullHeart Free To Be call, I can feel an enslavement consciousness, whereby I can see and feel both the slave holder and the slave. Both are actually held in tyranny. One on the outside and the other from within. The consciousness prevails over both. As the slave holder could feel this, he realized how this energy is a self-fulfilling loop and nobody gets anywhere from it. It is the proverbial self-made prison we create and we are given plenty of evidence that this is alive and well from the outside world.

The masculine has been in such darkness for so long. There is such a passionate desire to break those energetic chains and its punishing consciousness. To raise the sword of our power and cut those chains from within and release the enslavement into enheartenment. Release the Inner Child and the Inner Feminine so they can lead this masculine into the promised land of Joy, Abundance, and Service with Love. That is the daily ‘work’. That is the place where true alchemy can manifest our heaven on earth from within.

*****

You can still join us for our ongoing six week group call series Free To Be: Navigating the 3D Matrix to New Earth Transition. Our next group call is this Wednesday, April 22nd at 10:00am PDT in which we will discuss navigating relationships during this time, including sharings about the Inner Punisher and meditation to connect to your current relationships and shift to 5D sense of them. You can receive the recordings of any group calls you may have missed and the zoom link to join future ones at any time by open donation. There is more info here: soulfullheart.org/freetobe

*****

Gabriel Heartman is a facilitant, writer, poet, and heartist with the SoulFullHeart Way of Life.  Visit https://www.soulfullheartwayoflife.com for more information about space holding sessions, group calls, videos, community, etc.

Increasing Light Exposing The Dark Knight: Response To Mass Shootings

Somehow this is becoming a tragic reality of the unfolding drama within a country. Within humanity. After two back-to-back shootings on the heals of another just days earlier, it becomes clearer that a country is on a verge. I say a country because the US leads the world in these types of events. The mass shooting. The most numbers in one incident happened in Norway, but the volume of incidents and deaths happen in the US. 

It is also by the hands of men. Young men who all had deep emotional issues prior to the event. They have been described as outside the bounds of intimate community with a deep feeling of rejection and disenfranchisement. Yes, they are mostly white, and many have used their own hate as the fuel for their actions. The hate has been both indiscriminate and specific. We are all affected. 

I get that there is a war going on. It is undeniable to me. It is going on in the heart and soul of a populace of men. This saddens me deeply. It has edges of despair and hopelessness at times. These men have faced their own experience with violence and feeling unloved. When a part of them feels rejected, either by an individual or a group, this part needs to find a way to get its power back. It is a dark knight that seeks the throne of attention in any way it can, and being steeped in violence it has the means already at hand. 

This is a Violence Matrix. One that permeates the heart and soul of the wounded masculine. This aspect of men is permeable to influence in order to feel power. They can become pawns in a much larger game going on. They can create useful distractions and reactions that lead toward a specific goal. It is a soul history of being a soldier for The Cause. A 4D matrix that has deep roots. This is where the healing is if we can get there. The one great effect we have as men is to go into this and find out where that wound lives. That disempowerment, that rage, that violence. 

We all have our reactions to this from despair to indignation. When this happens the Rage of Change comes out loud and clear, but until we learn to love our own Dark Knight the cycle seems to keep recurring. As Gaia continues to enter more and more of the photonic light belt, we are going to see increased exposure of what lies deep within our collective shadow. These men are us. If we disconnect from them, we disconnect from a deeply wounded part of us seeking Love. We disconnect from a soul brother that is still in war and in battle. Fighting for his continued right to hate himself above all else. This brings me to tears. This brings me to wanting to love him and give him a home. No gun control legislation can heal this, even if it can stem it. 

We are being given the opportunity to feel something deeper. This is what Disclosure is offering us. It is not pretty. It is not overly welcome. But it is real and we need to face it. Otherwise, the wheel goes around one more time.

*****

Gabriel Solais is an emoto-spiritual men’s and women’s facilitator, energy healer, writer, poet, and heartist with the SoulFullHeart Way of Life.  Visit https://www.soulfullheartwayoflife.com for more information about space holding sessions, group calls, videos, community, etc. Visit our website to offer a money donation to support our offerings at https://www.soulfullheartwayoflife/donations.