It feels like responsibility to me is another word for anchor, ball and chain, or prison.  It is responding to another’s perception of what it means to be responsible.  Some time honoured tradition of putting ourselves in a safe place where real life and love can only trickle in at best.

Christopher:  Good morning, Chris.  I was wondering if you wanted to continue our conversation from yesterday.  I was feeling a lot of power around what you were working through and wanted to give you space to feel through it even further.

Chris:  Yes, I would.  I felt a bit spaced out after we finished yesterday.  Trying to digest what I was saying and feeling a bit nervous about it being read by family members and stirring up some shit.

C:  Tell me about stirring up shit.

c:   I always felt uneasy about vulnerable truth telling.  Like I was going to be either met by anger and then guilt, or hurt someone’s feelings.  A lot of fear and caretaking going on.  It just paralyzed my voice.

C:  Maybe you had good reason for that fear.  Your experiences don’t lie.  There were things you felt early on that contributed to that healthy fear.  You have said many times you wished you could have broken through that, but again I offer it may have been more harmful than good at that time.  If vulnerable truth telling comes in the form of letter writing, then 1) so be it, and 2) that is data that should reflect back at others as to why that is.  They should be asking, “Why is my son/brother writing a letter to me?  What is going on with me that he does not feel safe enough to talk to me directly?”  Instead, they reactively get hurt, and then project that hurt onto you and they become the victim.  There is no self-reflection or inquiry.  You become the problem.  The one to be analyzed and dissected.  You are labeled coward and hypocrite. All the while not realizing that when pointing one finger points toward you, three are pointing right back at them.

c:  Wow.  Thank you, Christopher.  This is all starting to sound familiar, but I feel how necessary it is to come back to again.  I want this feeling of guilt to heal and move.  I know there was another way be vulnerable, but like you said it was the best way for me at that time.  I was so used to putting the responsibility on my shoulders that I never considered the other person’s responsibility.   I can only respond to my needs, desires, and truth.  To take on someone else’s diminishes mine and makes there’s more important.  I know I care about people.  I have love for those in my family regardless of what they choose to believe.  But that can’t override my own needs and feelings.  If that won’t go in, then it won’t.  To try and convince or explain doesn’t hit the heart of the matter.  It only bounces around the mind where truth is debated and not felt.

C:  Now I say wow to you.  So true, Chris.  I know you are preaching to the choir here but I love feeling you feel this and say it.  It helps to move it and heal from it.  This may land in others as well if they are ready to feel it.  I am astounded by your courage to speak about this even if it is through writing.  Who knows, one day you may find yourself in a conversation with someone and you will touch their heart and you would have helped move something in them.

c:  That would be cool.  : )  I have always liked the feeling of helping others with things that I have been through and understand where they are coming from.

C:   I know you do.  You have a heart the size of the planet and others will be changed because of that.  You have already made a difference in the trajectory of the human soul, and you will only continue to do so.

c:  Uh…whoa.  Thank you.  I am not sure where to file that.  I feel your heart in that Christopher.  I do.  I just need to let that in more.

C:  It’s okay.  We have eternity.

c:  Lol!  Okay.  It won’t take that long.

C:  : )  I wanted to touch upon the feeling of responsibility with you.  It feels like a big piece of the upcoming mystery.  We are looking to embark on another adventure into the unknown.  I could feel the tug of “responsibility” dragging on you a bit.

c:  Yeah.  I could hear a familial voice saying, “How are you going to survive?  What about your daughter and your responsibility to her?  Do you expect society to take care of you?  What about your future?  You are not in your 20’s for God’s sakes.  You are in your 40’s.  This is not what grown responsible adults do!”

C:  Ewwww…

c:  Yeah.  I don’t like it either but it is there.

C:  Okay.  So how would you respond to this voice now?

c:  It feels like ‘responsibility’ to me is another word for anchor, ball and chain, or prison.  It is responding to another’s perception of what it means to be responsible.  Some time honoured tradition of putting ourselves in a safe place where real life and love can only trickle in at best.  Being a slave to your career that you are miserable at, so you can live in a home you a financial slave to, so you can buy things to distract from that pain.  All of that to retire and reward yourself for withstanding the pain, because that is what responsible people do.  Respond to pain.

I want to respond to my heart, my love, my soul.  I want to respond to passion, creation, and desire.  I want to respond to life and not death.  I want to respond to faith and trust and not to fear.  I want to respond to growth, to that which leads me to higher places inside myself.  I want to respond to courage and destiny.  I want to respond to purpose and meaning.  I want to respond to intuition and not reason.  I know that I can only live into that.  I know that I have fear and doubt.  But I also feel I can move that if you are with me, as well as the others.  I need you, Christopher, to help me get there.

C:  I am speechless.  I don’t have any words right now.  I need you too, Chris.  I feel us coming together as one in the moment.  Something integrating.  Your words are a beacon.  A lighthouse in the fog of uncertainty.  You are a gift to me.  Let us hold those words closely and feel them together.  This is a beautiful moment that I wish to let in deeply.  Your declaration is making waves.

c:  Thank you, Christopher.  I feel this adventure is what I have longed for in response to the experience I have had this life.  I need this as much as you do.

C:  Then it shall be done, one way or another.

c:  I may feel differently tomorrow.

C:  Then we will feel that tomorrow.

c:  : )  Thanks, Christopher.

C:  Oh, no.  Thank YOU.

 My name is Christopher Tydeman and I’ve been embracing the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life since March, 2012. I am a SoulFullHeart facilitator-in-training, author on this blog, and host of the weekly SoulFullHeart Experience Radio Show. I was invited by Jillian and Wayne Vriend, co-creators of SoulFullHeart, to begin my own 90 day outing. In the next 90 days, I will be vulnerably sharing my SoulFullHeart process publicly. It will include journaling from one or more of my parts, my daemon, the Divine Mother, or all of them in one big group love fest. You will meet Simon, who is my self-image part or prime monarch; Nathaniel, who is an aspect of my Daemon; Angela, who is my newly arising feminine part; and Peter, who is my magical child. I will not be sharing anything they do not want to share, or I may process with them until they feel comfortable. This is a healing crucible for me, but also a look into the inner world of this way of life called SoulFullHeart. Visit soulfullheart.com for more about the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life.

Recommended Reading:

SoulFullHeart Map To Discover Your Parts

Connecting With Your Daemon

From Wounded To Magical: Healing Your Inner Child

Recommended Listening on SFH Experience Radio Show:

Awakening Your Emotional Consciousness Through Parts Work

What Are The Five Key Areas Of Life?

From Wounded To Magical: Healing Your Inner Child