Day 24

There have been lives where I have tried to bring the divine feminine into the church and was ridiculed and excommunicated for it.  I have also experienced the other side, in being persecuted for just being female.  The “old ways” were a threat to the ruling church order.  I can feel other lifetimes of going against the grain that ended in pain.   I feel I succumbed to the adage “if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em”.

Christopher:  Good morning, Nathaniel.  After Jillian’s blog yesterday, I realized we haven’t spoken in a while.  Are you up for it?

Nathaniel:  Yes, I would.  Been a little lonely lately.

C:  I am sorry, Nathaniel.  So many changes happening lately.

N:  Yes, there are.  A new romance.  It feels good to feel your heart in that space.  You have much love for her.

C:  Thanks, Nathaniel.  That feels good to hear that from you. Yes, I do.

N:  It is good to feel someone with a daemon as well.  Your past relationships did not have that consciousness.

C:  No, they didn’t.  I was not conscious myself.  Even when we did first connect, a part of me wasn’t permitting me to embody the reality of you.  Now that is far from the case.

N:  I can feel how I may have been partly the cause of the lack of permission.  I can feel the desire of wanting to stay off the radar.  Incognito, as Wayne and Yeshua put it.

C:  I know we have been through a bit of the reasons together, but would you mind sharing with the readers.  This would be the opposite of incognito.

N:  I feel like I would, Christopher.  I would like to have a purpose other than guarding, as I mentioned in another conversation.  Talking about myself may help others like me realize they are not alone.

C:  That would be incredible, Nathaniel.

N:  There have been lives where I have tried to bring the divine feminine into the church and was ridiculed and excommunicated for it.  I have also experienced the other side, in being persecuted for just being female.  The “old ways” were a threat to the ruling church order.  I can feel other lifetimes of going against the grain that ended in pain.   I feel I succumbed to the adage “if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em”.

C:  Incoginito.

N:  Yeah.  Stay hidden.  Protect the feminine.  Which really turned into care-take the feminine.

C:  What do you want this life, Nathaniel?

N:  I know I do not want to stay hidden any longer.  I want to feel my connection to the Divine again. I used to want to go back home, but now that you are among other daemons, I feel more at home.  I don’t know if I want to project myself out to the world at this moment, that feels a bit vulnerable, but I guess that is what I am doing now.

C:  I feel what you mean, Nathaniel.

N:  I want to help in some way, Christopher.  I know I mentioned having gifts and I would like to harness again.  I feel I put them to the side, fearing their use would bring me, and you, more pain.

C:  You may need some healing from the past to help that along.

N:  Yes.  I believe I do.  I feel myself waning, Christopher.  The thought of coming out more makes me nervous and I tend to go back into hiding.

C:  I can feel that in my body right now.  There is a push-pull in you.  Desire and retraction which creates flatness.  You said you wanted more connection with the Divine.  Let’s talk to Mother.

N:  Yes.  I would like that.

Mother:  Hello, my beloved Nathaniel.  Your heart feels closed.  May I sit with you?

N:  Of course, Mother.

M:  Just sit quietly with me and feel my heart with yours.

N:  Yes, Mother.

……..(here, I play Ava Maria)

N:  So much pain, Mother.  I miss you so much.  All those years of being hated for loving you.  I am sorry I went into hiding.  I feel I failed you.

M:  You have NEVER failed me, my son.  You have always been true to me.  I do not blame you for needing to hide after all you have been through, Nathaniel.

N:  You forgive me, Mother?

M:  There is no forgiveness needed, Nathaniel.  That is old church dogma to keep you small.  You are always in a state of Grace, no forgiveness necessary.  My love does not require anything but your love.

N:  I love you, Mother.  So much.

M:  I feel that in your tears and your pain, Nathaniel.  That pain you feel is my love entering you and bringing it up to be felt.  I want you to feel again, Nathaniel.

N:  I do too, Mother.  I want to feel you again like I used to.

M:  Then it shall be so.  Just ask Nathaniel and we can feel each other.  I have tears for you as well, Nathaniel, as I miss you as much as you miss me.

N:  That is hard for me to let in sometimes.

M:  I will keep reminding you.

N:  Thank you so much, Mother.

M:  I thank you, my beautiful son.  For your courage to come out of hiding, one felt step at a time.

N:  Thank you, Christopher, for feeling what I needed.  The music was a stroke of genius.

C:  Oh, Nathaniel.  You are so very welcome.  Sometimes I need a way in too.  Soon the music will just be a part of our heart and it will open without help.  Until then, we both need it.

N:  I feel ready for the day.

C:  Me too!  A dose of Mother Love is better than coffee any day.

N:  Amen.

C:  I love you, Nathaniel.

N:  And I love you too, Christopher.  So much.

My name is Christopher Tydeman and I’ve been embracing the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life since March, 2012. I am a SoulFullHeart facilitator-in-training, author on this blog, and I hosted the SoulFullHeart Experience Radio Show. I was invited by Jillian and Wayne Vriend, co-creators of SoulFullHeart, to begin my own 90 day outing. In the next 90 days, I will be vulnerably sharing my SoulFullHeart process publicly. It will include journaling from one or more of my parts, my daemon, the Divine Mother, or all of them in one big group love fest. You will meet Simon, who is my self-image part or prime monarch; Nathaniel, who is an aspect of my Daemon; Angela, who is my newly arising feminine part; and Peter, who is my magical child. I will not be sharing anything they do not want to share, or I may process with them until they feel comfortable. This is a healing crucible for me, but also a look into the inner world of this way of life called SoulFullHeart. Visit soulfullheart.com for more about the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life.